"Fourth Annual Talent Show" script, Scene E

Yes, we're already at the tag scene, since this script has a mere five scenes.  It's still the Shotz Auditorium, later that night.  "The stage is empty, Laverne and Shirley are slowly walking out, looking exhausted."  Laverne's "We were good" was added, as was her "I can hear," when Shirley says, "He liked it."  But otherwise, except for the girls originally running off rather than strolling off, the scene was unchanged.

Of the six scripts I've examined so far, this seems to have been the most intact, although even here things were tweaked before filming.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Nine

In this chapter, we learn that neither Penny nor Cindy liked beer, but they did resemble their characters in some ways.  Penny saw herself as a realist like Laverne, although "not as full of wise cracks."  We again hear how insecure she was about her looks.  For some reason, Berman here says Penny had a "five-foot-three, 123-pound frame," while the stats in the back are more accurately 5' 6 1/2", with the same weight.  And again, we read that Penny mistrusted her success.

Here's a quote from her father-in-law, Carl Reiner: "Rob always told me she was funny and talented, but I never saw it because she's so quiet.  I think success will be good for her.  She's becoming more outgoing."

Berman helpfully informs us, "In real life, Penny is not a squawking bimbo."  But, yes, she did like milk & Pepsi.  Penny smoked and Rob didn't, so he tried to get her to quit, but "it was the worst thing she ever did."  She gained "over ten pounds" and became "almost impossibly irritable."

She loved jigsaw puzzles and needlepoint, but Rob did all the cooking.

"She is a demonstrative person, eager to show her affection....When she wants to combat on-the-set friction, she suggests that everybody embrace everybody."

She was a naturally funny person, amusing everyone who met her.  And she was a good friend, happy to listen and sympathize.

"She's a devoted, caring, and loving mother who hates to spend so much time away from her only child.  She has streaks of contradictions, but Penny Marshall is unique and she is wonderful, as unforgettable and endearing as Laverne."

"Fourth Annual Talent Show" script, Scene D

And it's back to the fabulous Shotz Auditorium, at night, in fact, the night of the Fourth Annual Talent Show....

A HUGE FLAG HANGS IN BACK OF THE STAGE.  A BEAR IN A PILGRIM SUIT BOWS.  FRANK ENTERS DRESSED AS UNCLE SAM.

Frank's intro mostly made it in, but he was supposed to tell the audience, "Now shut up and listen," which works better coming from Squiggy in the episode.  In the stage directions, Squiggy is dressed as an old man, rather than Ben Franklin specifically.  The boys' introduction is mostly intact, and the girls are dressed as described in the script.  However, it was supposed to be just Laverne "singing a little song," not both girls, during their "orange bit."  That page of the script is otherwise intact.

We lost this part after Squiggy's "silverware" mistake and correction:

THEY TURN TO THE CURTAIN.  LAVERNE POPS HER HEAD AROUND THE CURTAIN

LAVERNE

(SOTTO TO THE BOYS) We ain't ready.

SQUIGGY

How could you not be ready?  You had a hundred years.

LAVERNE

Stall.

SQUIGGY

It was called the Civil Stall.

LENNY

Say, Mr. History, wasn't it the blue versus the grey?

SQUIGGY

I believe that is true.

LENNY

It was the North versus the South.  The Johnny Reb versus Franky the Yankee.

SQUIGGY

The Civil War.  It was war, and yet it was civil.  The Civil War.

THE GIRLS COME OUT DRESSED AS SOUTHERN BELLES.  THEY SPEAK WITH SOUTHERN ACCENTS.

SHIRLEY

Lulabell, can't you keep up with me?

LAVERNE

'Sho nuff, Violet, but I gotta problem.  (AS HERSELF) Get outta here, Bernice.

The full lyrics of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again" are in the script, but the boys were written to be less enthusiastic in the script, with "Yeah" and "Shout," no exclamation points.  Also, Shirley having trouble getting to her feet was added, maybe to balance not having Laverne's dress troubles at the beginning.

Lenny was supposed to rip off more calendar pages, as Squiggy talked about time passing, but otherwise, their funny routine is from the script.  We did lose this, after Squiggy mentions World War I:

LENNY

Oh, my.  Did we win that war, too, Mr. History?

SQUIGGY

You're darn tooten.  But as you know, time marches on.

LENNY

I'm out of pages.  You'll just have to take my word for it.

SQUIGGY

We know what happened next.

LENNY/SQUIGGY

More strife.

And then there's Lenny's line about Americans not getting along with anybody.

The full lyrics of "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" are in the script.

The "wait" routine with the boys was added between Lenny "throwing the empty calendar across the stage" and their discussion of "the biggest thing to happen to America since World War Two."  The "Rock & Roll Is Here to Stay" number was basically in the script, gold lamé jumpsuits and all, although the choreography and little Lavenny moments were added later.

I laughed out loud reading this scene the first time, when I didn't remember what made it into the episode.  Much credit has to go to McKean and Lander's delivery, but in this scene at least, Chris Thompson gave them a lot to work with.  We lost a few good lines along the way (my favorite for Squiggy is "It was war, and yet it was civil," while Lenny's is "You'll just have to take my word for it"), but we gained some good ones in exchange.

"Fourth Annual Talent Show" script, Scene C

It's back to the girls' apartment, now the next morning.  As on the episode, "The girls are having breakfast.  Laverne is squeezing oranges for juice."  The first three pages of dialogue, including the boys' entrance, made it in.  Since the script didn't actually have the boys' act in it, we get this "The boys try to sing their song with American lyrics.  The song peters out after a couple of lines."  We lost this bit after Lenny says the song needs more work:

LAVERNE 

Maybe you can sing up to where you're stuck and then we'll throw oranges at you.

SQUIGGY

A medley.

Frank enters and says the lines he would in the episode.  But when Laverne suggests everyone think, Lenny and Squiggy were supposed to "take thinking poses," rather than sit on the couch as Squiggy says, "I hate that stuff."

In the script, Shirley was supposed to say, "If it wasn't for Thomas Edison, we wouldn't have the night light.  We're a country that got tired of burning bread in an oven so we invented the pop-up toaster."  In the episode, she mentions the automobile and the electric light.

So, not a lot of changes, but I can see why I wrote in my review of the episode, "Chris Thompson's writing is a little weak here, with characters meta-discussing, talking about what they need to discuss, too much."  It's there in this version of the script to begin with.

"Fourth Annual Talent Show" script, Scene B

It's the next day, at the Shotz Auditorium:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE SEATED AT A TABLE.  BERNICE AND MILO, THE DANCING BEAR, ARE DOING A GREEK FOLK DANCE.

SHIRLEY

I love it.  Isn't that cute?  That bear's so light on his paws.

LAVERNE

Shirl, we got five animal acts already.  Even Ed Sullivan never has more than two.

SHIRLEY

You got your mother and father -- I get my animals.  Admit it, you loved the dog that imitated Pat Boone.

LAVERNE

Yeah, I did like the four little white shoes.

SHIRLEY

C'mon, whataya say?  Whataya say?

LAVERNE

Okay.

This was all left out and the scene begins with Bernice and Milo finishing up their act.  Note that in the script, Milo appears to be an actual bear, like in "Antonio the Amazing," while it's someone in an obvious bear costume in the episode, although Milo is treated like a real bear.  So the line about him doing the choreography has a different feel.

The dialogue was mostly intact for about a page, but in the episode Squiggy hellos after Laverne wonders if Mr. Shotz hates animals, while in the script we got a little more.

SHIRLEY

Unfurl your brow, Laverne.  We'll dazzle him with our rock and roll number.

LAVERNE

I don't know.  The mood he's in he'd...  (RASPBERRY SOUND)... Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

This is arguably funnier, or at least more original.  After Lenny wonders why a talking bear is wasting his time dancing, Squiggy was supposed to say, "He's worried.  Look how long it's been since Francis the talking mule made a picture," which doesn't quite work, although Lander's delivery might've salvaged it.

The script just tells us, "The boys do their act," so presumably McKean and Lander were expected to come up with their song for the episode, as usual.  Also not scripted, the girls boogying down to the song, and Laverne telling the boys that they were very good, and Lenny's reply, "Ah, thanks a lot, Laverne," another of those little Lavenny moments we can thank Marshall and McKean for.  (There are more later on this episode of course.)

Also, in the script, Squiggy was supposed to think that Mr. Shotz's raspberry meant he "loved it," while in the episode it's Lenny who thinks it, so Laverne gently says, "No, Len."  Furthermore, Lenny in the script says, "You know, Squig, in some Arab lands they do that every good meal," and then the boys exit.  But in the episode, Laverne suggests they take the band out for burgers.

The next three and a half pages carried over from script to episode, with full "Yankee Doodle Dandy" lyrics, although Laverne yelling, "Sell it, Mom!" was added.  Also, the girls were supposed to sing, "God Bless America," rather than "You're a Grand Old Flag."

And so ends Act One.

So far, there's not anything startling in this script.  It continues to be a good base for the episode, although it had to be trimmed and added to as needed.

"Fourth Annual Talent Show" script, Scene A

As so many scripts apparently do, this one starts at the girls' apartment at night:

FRANK IS SITTING ON A CHAIR SULKING.  THERE IS A SUITCASE ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HIM.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE STANDING BEHIND HIM.

The first part of the dialogue mostly made it in, except for Shirley saying that Frank is a much better M.C.  Also, she was supposed to say that the Laverne dummy bore a "striking resemblance" rather than a slight one.  When Frank does his act, he was supposed to have the dummy say, "Aw, Pop, I ain't no nun," rather than that she was a big girl now.*

Note that the girls are scripted to "ad lib argument," which they do a fine job of in the episode.  The scene in the episode ends with Frank saying, "When you got it, you got it," and we lost the next couple pages.

EDNA AND CARMINE ENTER, AS FRANK STARTS TO EXIT.

EDNA

Hi, Frank.  How'd it go?

FRANK

I was too good.  Didn't even get to my big finish where one dummy sings, "High Hopes" and the other one drinks milk and Pepsi.  So I'm gonna be M.C.  I gotta go practice my ad libs.

FRANK EXITS

CARMINE

We got a real show stopper for you.  Me and Edna doing "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

SHIRLEY

I'm sure your number is great, but we have to work on our act... We're doing a hot rock and roll routine.

LAVERNE

And we need the time.  Shirl don't even know how to twirl a mike.

SHIRLEY

I thought that was our little secret.

EDNA

C'mon, girls, we've worked so hard and we've gotta try it out on somebody.

LAVERNE

How about if we see it tomorrow when we show all the acts to Mr. Shotz...  You'll get a stage, a spotlight and a free can of beer.

EDNA

Okay, fine.  I'm only your stepmother.  Run roughshod over me.  Don't give me the support and encouragement I need.  I'll be all right.

CARMINE

(TO SHIRLEY) And don't worry about me.  I'll still love you and take care of you and expect nothing in return.  Come on, Edna, let's go somewhere and cry our eyes out.

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) She's my mother.

THE GIRLS STARE AT EACH OTHER A BEAT.

SHIRLEY/LAVERNE

Five, six, seven, eight.

EDNA AND CARMINE BEGIN THEIR NUMBER....

But we won't see it until Scene B.  I can see why this was cut, since Edna and Carmine don't come off particularly well, and it's silly to have their act mentioned but not seen.  I would've liked Frank's line about his big finish, but that could've been included without the other two coming in.  We're off to a decent start, but the script will get better.

 

*Laverne's inability to be a nun seems to be a recurring theme in these script drafts.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Photo Group No. 2

Pages 104 and 105 show Cindy on her own and with a couple of her boyfriends:

The captions read, "Cindy has always looked younger than her years, which is why she has many teenage roles to her credit.  She played a high school senior in American Graffiti when she was twenty-five," "Not content to confine her talents to acting, Cindy also hopes to get into writing.  She was working on a screenplay about the bicentennial when she landed the part of Shirley Feeney," "One of the great loves of Cindy's life was none other than Henry Winkler, the actor who plays the famous Fonzie.  Although they no longer date, Cindy says they still have a 'very special relationship,' " and "In between steadies at this time in her life, Cindy's enjoying playing the field with handsome escorts like Rob Louwine."

My favorite picture here is the first one, of her in the big hat.

"Laverne & Shirley": The Collector's Edition, Volume Four

"Laverne in Love" sounds like a natural for a theme for a volume, and not just for alliteration:  "Like the letter 'L' embroidered on all her shirts, Laverne DeFazio wears her heart on her sleeve.  While street-smart Laverne seems like a brassy loudmouth on the outside, she is actually an insecure sweetheart on the inside.  While she yearns to 'vo-dee-oh-doh-doh,' virginal Laverne laments over having never 'done the dirty deed.'  Penny Marshall (Laverne), sister of co-creator Garry Marshall, had played Oscar Madison's secretary Myrna Turner on The Odd Couple and was married to Rob Reiner, who played Mike 'Meathead' Stivic on All in the Family."

The first selection is Season Two's "Angels of Mercy": "When Laverne decides to join Shirley as a volunteer nurse at a hospital (to be close to her latest heartthrob, Jerry Callihan, who checks in for an operation), Shirley gets several patients' false teeth mixed up while Laverne changes the sheets on the bed of an overweight patient.  Note: Charles Frank (Jerry Callihan) starred as Stanley Beck on Filthy Rich, Senator Ryder on Hill Streets Blues, Lester Chisholm on The Chisholms, and Ben Maverick on Young Maverick."  The Stay Tuned is Laverne's "Shirl and I will be back in a minute, so don't go away."

This choice is a bit odd since Laverne is simply, as Lenny puts it, "sweet on" Jerry, and we never actually see them go on a date.  But the next selection is beyond odd.

Season Four's "The Bully Show" is described thusly: "When Shirley is out of town attending her brother's graduation from Heavy Equipment School, Lenny and Squiggy are coerced into setting Laverne up on a blind date with their new foreman, Biff ("The Milwaukee Man of the Year"), who turns out to be a wolf on the prowl.  Note: In this episode discover what Woo Foo Young [sic] does to Shirley's plush cat, Boo Boo Kitty."  Right, because that's the real danger in the episode!

Well, at least I finally found a music edit, as we lose Laverne singing a couple lines of Fred Astaire's "Lovely to Look At" as she enters in her rented gown, and disturbingly Biff sings a line of it while he's waiting for Laverne to reenter the room naked.  And maybe because the boys are featured so heavily on this episode, they do the "or else" Stay Tuned.

Season Seven's "Friendly Persuasion" gets this blurb: "Laverne and Shirley move to Southern California in the sixth season of the series and go to work as gift-wrappers at Bardwell's Department Store.  When Charles Grodin tries to convince Laverne and Shirley's boss, Mr. Pennington, to be nice to them, Laverne mistakes his kindness for romantic interest.  Note: Charles Grodin starred in The Heartbreak Kid, Beethoven, Heaven Can Wait, The Couch Trip, The Lonely Guy, Movers and Shakers, and hosts a talk show on CNBC."  No mention of the fact that he wasn't exactly a household name at the time this episode is set.  And, yeah, again Laverne is not in love, just infatuated, and arguably less than she was with Jerry C.  There is no Stay Tuned this time, so you might think they were phased out during the California years, but that will prove not to be the case.

Because we then have Season Eight's "The Fashion Show," described as "In the last season, Cindy Williams, who was pregnant, left the series after a contract dispute, and Penny Marshall starred alone.  While spying on her new boyfriend, a photographer, at a fashion show, Laverne poses as a model wearing a huge replica of the Liberty Bell on her head.  Note: Anjelica Huston (Miss Paris) starred in Prizzi's Honor, The Addams Family, Crimes and Misdemeanors, and The Postman Always Rings Twice.  Joanna Kerns (Monique) starred as Maggie Seaver on Growing Pains.  Note the painting of Boo Boo Kitty on the wall in Laverne's apartment."

To my surprise, there is a Stay Tuned, Laverne's "Don't go away, we'll be right back.  Really," which seems to capture the insecurity of this episode and of Season Eight.  And then, this will break your heart, another thing was left out of the DVD version, right after the tag:

Because of course, Penny Marshall had been in love with Breeding, who died tragically.  If I had been at Columbia and had put this tape together, I might've kept this episode, since, although it's not a strong one, it is about one of Laverne's relationships.  I'd have dumped the rest and added "Why Did the Fireman...?", and maybe one each for Sonny and Norman.  Showing Laverne infatuated— and fighting off a date-rapist!— is not the best way to portray her "in love."

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene K

For the final scene of Part One, it's back to the barracks, a couple days later:

THE GIRLS' AREA IS FIXED UP WITH VARIOUS ITEMS FROM HOME.  LAVERNE IS HANGING UP A PICTURE OF JULIUS LA ROSA AND SHIRLEY IS WRITING IN HER JOURNAL.  SHIRLEY RISES AND ADDRESSES THE ROOM.

SHIRLEY

Ladies, may I have your attention please.  For all those who are interested in classic literature, tonight at 2100, I will be reading excerpts from "How I Saved My Country" by Shirley Wilhelmina Feeney.

THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(TO ROOM) I'm writing this down.

LAVERNE

Don't worry, Shirl.  They'll be sorry when they have to pay for it.

This was omitted and the scene starts with Sgt. Shannon entering and calling everyone to attention.  Then she gives them their assignments.  For whatever reason, the clerk-typists were changed from Jones, Walker, and Winnick to Chapman and Atkins.  And Wilkins, MacNamara, and Sheldon were the field nurses, while here Washington says, "That's just me," when Shannon assigns Jefferson, Washington, and Lincoln.  (I think, since Washington is Black, this was meant to be funny, but it makes Shannon look mildly racist.)  In the script, all of the WACs besides our girls are now assigned, but in the episode the remaining three become dispatchers, which Shirley is audibly jealous over.

The next part of the script made it in intact, except that Shannon wishing, "May all your Christmases be white" was added.  (Which in light of the Washington mix-up again sounds racist.)

Sgt. Plout enters, and there is, surprisingly, no description of her in the script.  After Laverne guesses that this is Mrs. Hope, Shirley originally said, "She doesn't look like she has much of a sense of humor."

Laverne's anecdote about slouching because she was an early bloomer was added.  On the other hand, when Plout says she can change them from "strong, agile, and not good at anything in particular," Shirley was supposed to say, "You're gonna make us weak and clutzy?"

Ah, Laverne's Eddie Haskell line was moved from Scene H to this scene in the episode.  (It's not exactly one I have committed to memory.)  In the script, she asked, after Plout said that she was going to prove to the Army that a woman can do anything a man can do, "We gotta grow beards?"  (The Haskell line is funnier.)

After Plout says she'll make them combat ready, the script had Shirley saying, "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind weak and clutzy," followed by Laverne's "Yeah, maybe you could use a battling baker.  I already got the hat."  (This now ranks as one of the weakest running gags ever in semi-canon.)

In the episode, the girls are stupid enough to think Plout has left the room, when she's just moved to the other side of Shirley, and they badmouth her and then worry she'll hit them.

After the patrol of "six huge women" enters, Shirley was supposed to say, "Nice to meet you," and Laverne would add, "I'm glad I'm on your side."  Plout's exit lines were added, probably after Lawrence was cast.  In the script, the act ends with the girls looking around.

So, of the five scripts I've looked at so far, this is definitely the one I find least interesting.  It has some nice little moments, mostly with the boys and Carmine, but it is basically a C script that led to a C episode.  There are no dazzling stage directions like Laverne's "dirty thoughts" in "Dance Studio" or even "Squiggy twitches" in "That's Entertainment."  It is, pardon the pun, serviceable.  And I would only buy Part Two if I could, as with Part One, get it dirt cheap.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Eight

"About the only thing that could be a better match for enthusiastic TV fans than the marriage between Michael Stivik [sic] and Laverne DeFazio must be a romance between Fonzie and Shirley Feeney."  Well, I'd put a romance between Squiggy and Shirley Feeney above that, but Berman wasn't clued in.  (More on that later.)

"...Although Cindy and Henry no longer date, she still speaks of him with a lilt in her voice, and her eyes dance when she mentions his name."  He was still her best friend at the time of this book.  She correctly predicted that when he married, it would be for keeps.  (Henry is still with his wife Stacey, since 1978!)

She incorrectly predicted that she herself would marry for keeps.  She also vowed never to marry an actor, although she had dated several, including Richard Dreyfuss.  Amusingly, she thought she might marry a dentist, because "they always smell very good.  Their hands are fabulous."  Mostly she was playing the field at that time, mainly because she was trying to focus on her career.  And after a long, stressful day on the set, she'd rather be by herself, unlike Penny, who "looks forward to running home to Rob to help her ease away her traumas and get her from jitters to giggles."

But Cindy was sure that marriage and children would come along when it was meant to happen, yes, a contrast to Shirley's worries.

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene J

This scene is a montage, where the first part, exterior field, was omitted:  "The WACS are marching.  They approach a puddle of mud.  Laverne and Shirley walk completely around the mud, then fall back in formation.  Sergeant Shannon stops the group.  The group does an about-face and marches back.  Sergeant Shannon walks next to Laverne and Shirley and sees that they walk through the mud."

We just got a little of them exercising for "assorted shots of all the WACs doing sit-ups, push-ups and jumping jacks," where "Laverne and Shirley do fine."

We lost the third part, where, in the barracks, "The WACs are preparing to load their backpacks.  On each bed there is a rolled blanket, a first aid kit, clothes, a canteen, etc.  We SEE Sergeant Shannon start the girls with a stop watch.  Laverne crams everything into her backpack.  Shirley starts to neatly pack hers.  Laverne finishes first.  Sergeant Shannon turns Laverne's backpack upside down and dumps everything out."

The fifth part, again in a field, was changed for the episode, where Sgt. Shannon pats the girls' tent and it collapses, while in the script Shirley is hiding inside Laverne's tent, supporting it.

Part six disappeared: "Laverne and Shirley have set up camp in the field.  Laverne is cooking fried eggs in a hinged pan over a sterno can.  She removes the can and the handle collapses causing the eggs to fall to the ground.  She looks around, dusts the eggs off and puts them on a plate and hands the plate to Sergeant Shannon.  We SEE Shirley using her helmet to shave her legs."

We did get the seventh part, the typing test in the barracks.  And part four, the sprint that the girls win, was moved here, although the WACs' backpacks were omitted.

Part eight, still in the barracks, was left out: "The WACs are practicing applying bandages to each other as Sergeant Shannon inspects.  First we SEE one pair of WACs.  The 'patient' stands up and displays a bandaged arm.  We MOVE ON to another pair of WACs.  The 'patient' stands up.  She has a bandaged head.  Next we PICK UP Laverne and Shirley.  Laverne has bandaged Shirley's stomach and her chair.  Shirley stands up and the chair rises with her."

Part nine, a "field" scene of the girls with a "body" on a stretcher, was changed for the episode, where the "body's" reflexes cause it to keep hitting Laverne in the head.  In the script, the WACs are supposed to move bodies on stretchers, but Laverne and Shirley "pick up the stretcher sticks and walk away leaving the stretcher and the woman on the ground."

The tenth and last part, the cone test, made it mostly intact, although sadly there is no close-up of "the world's cutest chipmunk" that Shirley swerves to avoid.  On the other hand, Laverne and Sgt. Shannon climbing a flagpole wasn't in the script.

Shirley's narration, from her Army journal, was added, as was a little dialogue, and the montage moves along quickly in the episode.  Again, this is a case where I don't find either version hilarious.

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene H

New set (left over from the boys' failed spinoff apparently): the barracks, daytime.

THERE ARE EIGHT COTS, FOUR ON EACH SIDE.  LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND SIX OTHER WACS ALL ENTER THE BARRACKS.  ALL THE GIRLS ARE DRESSED IN FATIGUES AND CARRYING DUFFLE BAGS, EXCEPT FOR SHIRLEY WHO HAS HER OVERNIGHT CASE.  LAVERNE HAS HER CAMERA AND IS TAKING PICTURES AS SHIRLEY WRITES IN A NOTEBOOK, HER ARMY JOURNAL.

LAVERNE

(TAKING PICTURE) Smile sexy, Shirl.  [!!!!]  I'm sending this one to Carmine.  [Sure you are, Laverne.]

SHIRLEY POSES AND SMILES.  LAVERNE SNAPS THE PICTURE.

SHIRLEY

(WRITING IN NOTEBOOK) Please no more picture [sic].

The thing of her planning to publish How I Saved My Country is in there, although in the script her pen name was "Shirley Wilhelmina Feeney," rather than S. Wilhelmina Feeney.  (I thought Shirley was embarrassed by her middle name, but maybe she's gotten over it by Season Five.)

In the script, Shirley hopes that Laverne's book-jacket photo was "above the waist," because "no one takes an author seriously if their knees are showing," while in the episode she worries that Laverne was shooting up her nose.

Sgt. Shannon enters and is described as "kindly."  When Shannon asks if the "ladies" have any questions, Shirley replies, "This isn't exactly a question, but I want to commend you on how tidy you keep these barracks," and takes out a feather duster to show how she intends to keep them tidy.  In the script, Laverne worries, "Are you gonna give me one of those short little haircuts that'll make me look like Eddie Haskell?", before wanting to know, as she does in the episode, when the next USO dance is.  The part about the isolation from men and the exact number of men, including Laverne's heart and Shirley's journal, was all kept.

In both, the WACs will go through physical tests, but the closer was omitted:

SHIRLEY

Gee, they don't waste any time here.

LAVERNE

Didn't you hear her?  We only got eight weeks to get in shape for two million guys.  Move it!

So Laverne is more man-crazy in this version, although I still maintain that the "smile sexy" line is one of the slashiest Laverne was ever written to say by a staff writer.

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene E

This scene is so short, I'm not going to transcribe it but instead just post it:

The episode doesn't have this transition but just has the girls arriving at "a real live Army base."  I assume there would've been a stock shot of a bus, like on the "Monastery" episode.  Not a big loss in any case.

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene D

It's back to the girls' apartment, with a sort of specific time, "3:00 A.M.-ish":

SHIRLEY AND CARMINE ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH.  CARMINE IS IN PAJAMAS AND BATHROBE, RESTING HIS HEAD ON SHIRLEY'S SHOULDER, EYES GLUED TO HIS WRIST WATCH.  SHIRLEY IS DRESSED FOR TRAVEL, AND IS FINISHING PACKING HER OVERNIGHT CASE.

CARMINE

Twenty-five minutes and thirty seconds until three A.M.

SHIRLEY

Calamine lotion, shower slippers and my moraccas [sic].

CARMINE

What are those for?

SHIRLEY

For when we sing around the campfire.

CARMINE

In twenty-five minutes and twenty seconds you'll be gone.  A big silver bus will take you away to the other side of the world.

SHIRLEY

I'm going to Alabama, Carmine.  It's only a hop, skip and a 700 mile jump away.

CARMINE

Shirl, I'm gonna wait right here for you to come home.  I'll eat here, sleep here, give dance lessons here...

SHIRLEY

Come on, kid, buck up.  (CHUCKS HIM UNDER CHIN) Sure I'm going off to defend our country.  Of course there's danger ahead.  Yes, even a good chance I might not come back.

This was mostly cut, just keeping Carmine in voiceover saying that it's three o'clock in the morning.  She is holding the maracas in the episode, but she's not packing.  In the episode, he asks how he can get along without her, while in the script he says, "Angelface, don't go.  I can't live without you," and then he "hugs Shirley and starts kissing her hysterically."  Their exchange about "the big goodbye" vs. "a big goodbye" was kept.

Shirley does lead him into the bedroom in both, and Laverne's reminder that basic training is "only eight weeks" is in both, but on the episode he yells about this, while in the script he "whimpers."

Frank and Edna's entrance is similar, but Edna "carries a large picnic basket" rather than two paper bags, and we lose her line, "Sure, it'll be fun.  Going someplace new, making new friends, waking up at six A.M. to the sound of a bugle."

Frank giving Laverne his "Battling Baker" chef's hat was kept, despite the omission of most of Scene A, but it was moved to after Edna's gift of the food.  We lost Frank and Edna planning to put the food in Laverne's suitcase and her telling them to let the air out of her beach ball to make room.

In the episode, Carmine and Shirley reenter the living room, disagreeing about whether her farewell counted for eight weeks, while in the script she comes back alone:

LAVERNE

Where's Carmine?

SHIRLEY

He's in the bedroom, recovering.  I took his breath away.

LAVERNE

You didn't give him the big goodbye, did you?

SHIRLEY

What!  Waste the big goodbye for eight measly weeks?

LAVERNE

Stupid question.

(Note, it's been less than two pages since Shirley left the room, so whatever she did with Carmine, it couldn't have taken long.)

In the episode, Lenny yells down through the window, while Squiggy has one offstage line.  The boys' material was again cut:

LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN, DRESSED IN NIGHT CLOTHES.

SQUIGGY

Front and center, you G.I. Josephines.  Me and Len are here to give you the big goodbye.

SHIRLEY

You wouldn't dare!

LAVERNE

It's okay.  It was a lucky guess.  [I have no idea what this line means.]

LENNY

First, we have something that could save your life and limbs.  Show 'em, Squig.

SQUIGGY TAKES OUT A WINDUP TOY SOLDIER.

SQUIGGY

I have here a land mine detector.

LAVERNE

It's a toy soldier.

LENNY

Only to the naked eye.  You wind it up and it will guide you safely through booby-trapped enemy real estate.

SQUIGGY WINDS IT UP AND PUTS IT ON THE FLOOR.  HE AND SQUIGGY FOLLOW BEHIND IT TAKING TINY STEPS.

SHIRLEY

But look how close you have to follow it.

SQUIGGY

Shirl, you gotta keep winding it.

LAVERNE

But if it steps on a mine we'll be blown to bits.

LENNY

In that case, it'll be the last toy you'll ever play with.

LAVERNE

(TAKING THE TOY SOLDIER) Thanks, guys.  It's the thought that counts.

LENNY

Who thought?

SQUIGGY

I did.  I figured since Edna ain't renting out your apartment, you'd leave us the keys in exchange for our live-saving gift.

LAVERNE HANDS THE TOY SOLDIER BACK TO SQUIGGY.

LAVERNE

Here you go, guys.

SQUIGGY

Aw, we don't need it.  There ain't no mine fields in Milwaukee.

FRANK, EDNA AND CARMINE ENTER FROM THE BEDROOM.  FRANK BRINGS LAVERNE'S DUFFLE BAG FROM THE BEDROOM AND GIVES IT TO HER.  CARMINE CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

CARMINE

Shirl, I almost forgot.  I went out to the all night drugstore and took some pictures of me for your locker.

CARMINE HANDS HER SEVERAL STRIPS OF PHOTOS, THE KIND YOU GET FOUR FOR A QUARTER.

SHIRLEY

They're beautiful.  If only your eyes were open.

The thing of the girls almost kissing during the farewells was added.  We lost Lenny "handing out hankies to the entire group," although hankies are waved anyway.

So let's talk about Shirmine.  On the surface, it's similar in the script to what aired, but the reversal of wartime gender cliches is taken to the extreme that he is distraught over her departure, while in the episode he's in turns wistful and annoyed.  She is touched by his photo booth pics, and I'm pleased to learn that there's an all-night drug store in the neighborhood.

The boys' bit could've been funny in an absurd way, and I'm fond of the Lenny line, "Who thought?"  But I can see why it was cut, since the scene is kind of long (eight pages).  

I do find it interesting that Edna had no plans to rent out the girls' apartment.  I could see if they were joining the Reserves (as they will in the end), but they are planning to travel the world.  Did she wisely suspect that the Army wouldn't work out and the girls would be back for good, in eight weeks or less?  I like that Laverne gets nice moments with both "parents," and she does see Edna as her mother by this point (two episodes after "The Wedding"). 

And, yeah, apparently Carmine, Lenny, and Squiggy were all planning to hang out in the empty apartment.

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene C

This scene is set at the Army Induction Center during the day:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY HAVE FINISHED THEIR PHYSICAL EXAMS.  THEY ARE DRESSED IN HOSPITAL GOWNS.  THEY ARE SEATED ON A LONG BENCH, ALONG WITH SEVERAL OTHER INDUCTEES.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, assuming we passed our physical, a couple minutes from now we'll be working for Uncle Sam.

LAVERNE

I hope so, 'cause we'll never work for Mr. Shotz again.  Not after what I did to his picture in the lunchroom.

SHIRLEY

I thought he looked better with a moustache, however, the antlers were a bit too much.

LAVERNE

You know, Shirl, you showed a lot of courage with that nurse.  You let her take blood and I never heard one scream.

SHIRLEY

Only because she didn't use a needle.  I was so scared I bit my lip and she let me bleed into the test tube.

LAVERNE

Good thing you didn't have chapped lips.

A DOCTOR WALKS BY, SEES LAVERNE AND MOVES AWAY FROM HER.

SHIRLEY

How come that doctor did that?

LAVERNE

It mighta been because of the knee jerk test.  I wanted to do good, so I put a little extra into it and kicked his glasses off.

This page and a half was dumped and instead we get Laverne taking photos and the girls reacting to the cold chairs against their hospital gowns, as well as Colonel Turner dealing with a headache.  Colonel Turner's line about everyone passing the physical was kept, but no one was scripted to react to it, positively or otherwise.  Similarly, she does have the women line up, but there's no gag about them forming a typical line, rather than shoulder to shoulder.

On the other hand, this dialogue was omitted:

SHIRLEY

Well, Laverne, this is it.  Once we're in uniform, just think of the respect we'll get.

LAVERNE

People will call us "Sir".

The oath part is basically intact, Shirley's miniature American flags, Laverne's selfie, and all.  They omitted another pair of the girls' lines:

LAVERNE

Do you think he'll pose for pictures?  [I think she means the President.]

SHIRLEY

Sshh.  This is solemn.  Wave your flag.

Colonel Turner is less upset in the script than in the episode.  After she welcomes the women to the WACs on the episode, she drinks more of her headache potion and the scene fades out before this part:

LAVERNE

(TO ROOM) Hold it.  Everybody form a pyramid.  Big girls on your knees.

AS THEY START TO FORM A PYRAMID, WE:

FADE OUT.

And so ends Act One.

I don't find either version particularly hilarious, but it is notable that Laverne definitely likes to deface Mr. Shotz's lunchroom portrait, as she will the next season, when they'll quit more permanently.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Photo Group No. 1

Pages 89-91 offer pictures of Penny, with others and by herself:

 

Penny looks lovely in all of these pictures (especially her eyes in the third picture), and it's just too bad she wasn't able to see it.  But she brought that insecurity to the brassy character of Laverne, making it a subtler portrait than it might've been with other actresses.

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene B

It's again the girls' apartment at night, but presumably the next evening.  The scene starts out the way it was shot, with Carmine singing and dancing to "Rags to Riches" after the girls come in to the room he's decorated for the celebration, but in the episode he goes to get "dolled-up" Boo Boo Kitty while the girls vent about losing the promotion to two girls who went to industrial training.  Here's what happened in the script:

...CARMINE CONTINUES TO SING AND DANCE AROUND SHIRLEY WHO IS STARING INTO SPACE.  SHIRLEY SILENTLY MOUTHS "STOP PLEASE."  CARMINE DOESN'T STOP.  LAVERNE TEARS THE CONGRATULATIONS SIGN DOWN, CROSSES TO CARMINE, WADS UP THE SIGN AND PRESSES IT INTO HIS HAND.  CARMINE STOPS SINGING.

In the episode, it's not until he's lightly embracing the girls on the couch that he realizes they didn't get the promotions.  He does sing, "Gray skies are gonna clear up," in both versions, but in the episode both girls elbow him in the stomach, while in the script it's just Shirley "punching" him in the stomach.  Then she says, "I'm sorry, Carmine.  I needed to hit someone."

CARMINE

I understand, Angelface.  What went wrong?  I thought your promotion was in the bag.

LAVERNE

Mr. Shotz put it in somebody else's bag.  He gave it two girls we trained just three weeks ago.

CARMINE

Look on the bright side.  You must be very good trainers.

SHIRLEY

There is no bright side.  There's only darkness and despair.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

In the episode, Carmine's reference to "the wolf at their door" is what prompts the boys' entrance.

In the script, it's Lenny who says that "dear, sweet Mr. Shotz" gave them a raise and promotion to semi-truck drivers, but this line is split up between the boys, with Squiggy still getting the line about doing "a semi-good job."

We lost this cute bit:

CARMINE

(TO THE BOYS) Thanks for stopping by, guys.  Close the door behind you.  

WITHOUT LEAVING LENNY AND SQUIGGY CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AND ENTER THE LIVING ROOM.

LENNY

Hey champagne!  Guess you musta heard our good news!

CARMINE

That ain't for you.

SQUIGGY

(POURING CHAMPAGNE) Then you must be celebrating Laverne and Shirley's new record.  Most years at Shotz Brewery without a promotion.

In the episode, this became Lenny saying there are two things to celebrate, before it went into the part about the girls' record.

LENNY

Job well done!

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY MAKE BOO-BOO FACES.

SQUIGGY

Up to now we thought we had it sewed up.  But you guys were just too tough.

LENNY

Bear in mind, you only hold the Brewery record, so don't rest on your laurels.  All you need to break the world's record is another 75 years of bottlecapping and...

In the episode, the boys go for the champagne after talking about the girls' record, and then Lenny says it would take another 41 years on the line to break "the Nationals."  As Carmine kicks them out, Squiggy can just be heard talking about "Emil Haufnagger, who did it in '19."  (I assume Prohibition cut his time short.)  Carmine escorts the boys out, but we actually get more in the script:

CARMINE

Get out.  Get out.  Get out.

CARMINE STARTS TO PUSH THE BOYS OUT THE DOOR.

SQUIGGY

(INDICATING LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY) They say it much better.

LENNY

You see, the emphasis in on the word "out."

CARMINE

Get out.  Get out.  Get out.

SQUIGGY

We'll leave, but only because you tried.  Not because you did it right.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT.

Even though Carmine isn't mentioned as exiting, he doesn't seem to be present for the remaining two pages of the scene.

LAVERNE

I don't think I can ever show my face at the Brewery again.

SHIRLEY

Five years down the drain.  Our entire adult lives wasted.  Shotz is a dead-end.  No place to go but down.

As on the episode, Laverne is the one to suggest quitting, which causes Shirley to "go into a state of catatonia."  Shirley dropping BBK, and Laverne carrying her to the couch were added, but the lines telling her to snap out of it or she'll spend her life in a tub of warm water were in the original.  In both, Laverne says there are other jobs out there and they could become nuns.  In the episode, she adds, "Well, you could," but in the script she's acting "as if Shirley is answering," so she asks, "How do you know they wouldn't let me in?"  (Oh, the irony of "Monastery Story" three seasons later!)  

In the script, she also suggests running a lemonade stand, although "You're right, the winter months would kill us."  In the episode, she suggests becoming beauticians, manicurists, telephone operators, welders, or cowboys.  Then she says she's pacing around like she's in the Army, which inspires Shirley.  In the script, Laverne goes straight from the lemonade stand to "Well, there's always the Army."

Shirley likes the idea and goes into the little speech about promotions and their faces on a stamp.  Laverne's line about people licking the backs of their heads, and the part about meeting foreigners, were added.

In exchange, we lost a Horny-Virgin-Laverne moment:

LAVERNE

Would we get to meet Marines?

SHIRLEY

Entire platoons.

LAVERNE

Entire platoons.  How many in a platoon?

SHIRLEY

I don't know.  Enough to attack.

The girls drinking a toast to the Army is in both versions.

While this scene is more intact than Scene A, there are definitely some changes.  The girls are less upset, catatonia aside, in the episode than the script, since they don't make boo-boo faces and don't seem as angry at Carmine.  And their loss of the promotion is more unfair in the script, since the new girls don't seem to have any special qualifications or education.  

The boys' material is cut back, although they definitely make their presence felt in the filmed scene.

"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene A

OK, I do not at present own Part Two, but I'm going ahead and taking a look at the first half of one of my least favorite Season Five scripts.  Before I get into Scene A, I have to note that shockingly, as of the October 18, 1979 "revised final draft," Sgt. Plout and the rest of the guest characters had not yet been cast!  So bear that in mind when we get to what would be Vicki Lawrence's debut of a very memorable character.

Scene A is set, like so many, in the girls' apartment, this time at night.

THE GIRLS ARE IN THE KITCHEN ABOUT TO MAKE THEIR LUNCHES FOR WORK THE NEXT DAY.  LAVERNE TAKES THE LAST HEEL OF BREAD FROM THE PACKAGE.

LAVERNE

Down to our last slice of bread.  Who gets to eat lunch tomorrow?

SHIRLEY

We'll flip for it.

THEY BOTH CHECK THEIR POCKETS AND PURSES.  COMING UP EMPTY HANDED, THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER SADLY.  

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

It's so sad.  Not one red cent between us.

LAVERNE

We'll cut the bread in half.

LAVERNE TAKES A KNIFE AND DIVIDES THE SLICE OF BREAD.  DURING THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE, EACH GIRL MAKES AN OPENFACE SANDWICH WITH HER HALF OF THE HEEL SLICE.  SHIRLEY'S IS PEANUT BUTTER, LAVERNE'S IS BOLOGNA.

LAVERNE

Boy, how much lower can we get.  I don't even have a top for my sandwich.

SHIRLEY

Cheer up, we've been this broke before.  Remember when we had to make B-L-T sandwiches with the "B" and the "T"?  [This line makes better sense if it's "without" rather than "with.]

LAVERNE

We didn't have much "L" either.

SHIRLEY

Well, we made it through that and we'll make it through this, because tomorrow is Shotz promotion day.

LAVERNE

Yeah, we're shoo-ins to be the new Senior Bottlecappers.  With a big fat twenty-cent an hour raise.

SHIRLEY

Here's where five years of hard work pays off.

THE GIRLS HAVE FINISHED MAKING THEIR HALF-SANDWICHES.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I got a problem with my peanutbutter sandwich, Laverne.  It's gonna stick to the roof of my lunch bag.

LAVERNE

Well, I could put my half on top of your half.  We'll eat peanut butter and bologna.

SHIRLEY

Yes, you could but that would be disgusting.

LAVERNE TEARS A TINY PIECE OF HER BOLOGNA, DIPS IT IN THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR AND EATS IT.

LAVERNE

Hmmmm.  Pretty good.

SHIRLEY

Why should I listen to you?  You mix milk with Pepsi.

LAVERNE

Okay, then go hungry.

SHIRLEY

I'll give it a try.

LAVERNE PLASTERS THE SANDWICH HALVES TOGETHER, THEN CUTS IT IN HALF.  EACH GIRL HAS A ONE INCH SQUARE SANDWICH.

LAVERNE

(HOLDING UP HER SANDWICH) Well, we don't hafta worry about saving room for dessert.

EDNA ENTERS.  SHE AND THE GIRLS EXCHANGE HELLOS.

EDNA

(CALLS O.S.) Frank, do I have to do this?

FRANK (O.S.)

Yeah!

EDNA

(READING FROM AN INDEX CARD) Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to present one of the roughest, toughest soldiers to whip up chipped beef on toast, the Battling Baker, Sergeant Frank DeFazio.

FRANK MARCHES IN, DRESSED IN FULL MILITARY REGALIA.  HE HAS A LADLE AT HIS SIDE AND A "BATTLING BAKER" CHEF'S HAT ON HIS HEAD.  

FRANK

Hut-two-three-four, company halt!

LAVERNE

Pop, you look great.  You could pose for a recruiting poster.

SHIRLEY

Yes, very spiffy.  (TO EDNA) Aren't you going with him to the costume party?

FRANK

Costume!  I'm going to my Army reunion.  And there's no women allowed.

EDNA

As Frank enters, I have to read the Battling Baker speech through an open window.

FRANK

Boy, I love the Army.  Did I ever tell you about the time I won the war?

EDNA/LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Yes.

FRANK

This is a different time.

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND EDNA ALL SIT AND MAKE THEMSELVES COMFORTABLE.

FRANK (CONT'D)

It was the night before D-Day.  It was cold, I had chapped lips.

EDNA AND THE GIRLS GASP IN MOCK HORROR.

FRANK (CONT'D)

The whole war was up to me.  That night, I cooked dinner for General Eisenhower.  He ate every bite and never got sick.

SHIRLEY

Thank you for making the world safe for democracy.

FRANK

My pleasure, Shirley.  Come on, Edna, let's go.

FRANK AND EDNA START FOR THE FRONT DOOR.

EDNA

What's the big rush?

FRANK

I don't want to be late for the reunion party.  At nine o'clock they dynamite the cake.

THE GIRLS AD LIB GOODBYES TO FRANK AND EDNA.

LAVERNE

Well, Shirl, we better get some shut-eye.  We want to be wide awake when we get those promotions.

SHIRLEY

You go ahead.  I feel like a little snack.

SHIRLEY SLICES OFF A TINY PIECE OF HER SANDWICH AND EATS IT.  LAVERNE STARES AT HER.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

That really hit the spot.

You know how much of this scene made it into the episode?  That's right, the "shoo-ins" line and "the five years of hard work" line.  (Which puts this episode in 1961, since the girls started at Shotz right out of high school.)  There's a line before these two lines, about promotions being posted, but the episode proper doesn't really get going until the Scene B of this script.

As for A, it's cute but more easily cut than a heel of bread.  It tells us a little about how the girls cope when money is tight, and it contrasts the two characters, including how Laverne has a higher tolerance for weird food than Shirley does.  The Frank and Edna thing doesn't really add anything, unless it's meant to plant the seed of joining the Army into the girls' heads, and Edna is out of character in being needlessly self-sacrificing for Frank.  I could see Scene A getting a few chuckles if done right, but it doesn't advance the plot.  And, yep, any time they can cut out/down on the girls eating in a Scene A, they will.