"We're in the Army Now" script, Scene A

OK, I do not at present own Part Two, but I'm going ahead and taking a look at the first half of one of my least favorite Season Five scripts.  Before I get into Scene A, I have to note that shockingly, as of the October 18, 1979 "revised final draft," Sgt. Plout and the rest of the guest characters had not yet been cast!  So bear that in mind when we get to what would be Vicki Lawrence's debut of a very memorable character.

Scene A is set, like so many, in the girls' apartment, this time at night.

THE GIRLS ARE IN THE KITCHEN ABOUT TO MAKE THEIR LUNCHES FOR WORK THE NEXT DAY.  LAVERNE TAKES THE LAST HEEL OF BREAD FROM THE PACKAGE.

LAVERNE

Down to our last slice of bread.  Who gets to eat lunch tomorrow?

SHIRLEY

We'll flip for it.

THEY BOTH CHECK THEIR POCKETS AND PURSES.  COMING UP EMPTY HANDED, THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER SADLY.  

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

It's so sad.  Not one red cent between us.

LAVERNE

We'll cut the bread in half.

LAVERNE TAKES A KNIFE AND DIVIDES THE SLICE OF BREAD.  DURING THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE, EACH GIRL MAKES AN OPENFACE SANDWICH WITH HER HALF OF THE HEEL SLICE.  SHIRLEY'S IS PEANUT BUTTER, LAVERNE'S IS BOLOGNA.

LAVERNE

Boy, how much lower can we get.  I don't even have a top for my sandwich.

SHIRLEY

Cheer up, we've been this broke before.  Remember when we had to make B-L-T sandwiches with the "B" and the "T"?  [This line makes better sense if it's "without" rather than "with.]

LAVERNE

We didn't have much "L" either.

SHIRLEY

Well, we made it through that and we'll make it through this, because tomorrow is Shotz promotion day.

LAVERNE

Yeah, we're shoo-ins to be the new Senior Bottlecappers.  With a big fat twenty-cent an hour raise.

SHIRLEY

Here's where five years of hard work pays off.

THE GIRLS HAVE FINISHED MAKING THEIR HALF-SANDWICHES.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I got a problem with my peanutbutter sandwich, Laverne.  It's gonna stick to the roof of my lunch bag.

LAVERNE

Well, I could put my half on top of your half.  We'll eat peanut butter and bologna.

SHIRLEY

Yes, you could but that would be disgusting.

LAVERNE TEARS A TINY PIECE OF HER BOLOGNA, DIPS IT IN THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR AND EATS IT.

LAVERNE

Hmmmm.  Pretty good.

SHIRLEY

Why should I listen to you?  You mix milk with Pepsi.

LAVERNE

Okay, then go hungry.

SHIRLEY

I'll give it a try.

LAVERNE PLASTERS THE SANDWICH HALVES TOGETHER, THEN CUTS IT IN HALF.  EACH GIRL HAS A ONE INCH SQUARE SANDWICH.

LAVERNE

(HOLDING UP HER SANDWICH) Well, we don't hafta worry about saving room for dessert.

EDNA ENTERS.  SHE AND THE GIRLS EXCHANGE HELLOS.

EDNA

(CALLS O.S.) Frank, do I have to do this?

FRANK (O.S.)

Yeah!

EDNA

(READING FROM AN INDEX CARD) Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to present one of the roughest, toughest soldiers to whip up chipped beef on toast, the Battling Baker, Sergeant Frank DeFazio.

FRANK MARCHES IN, DRESSED IN FULL MILITARY REGALIA.  HE HAS A LADLE AT HIS SIDE AND A "BATTLING BAKER" CHEF'S HAT ON HIS HEAD.  

FRANK

Hut-two-three-four, company halt!

LAVERNE

Pop, you look great.  You could pose for a recruiting poster.

SHIRLEY

Yes, very spiffy.  (TO EDNA) Aren't you going with him to the costume party?

FRANK

Costume!  I'm going to my Army reunion.  And there's no women allowed.

EDNA

As Frank enters, I have to read the Battling Baker speech through an open window.

FRANK

Boy, I love the Army.  Did I ever tell you about the time I won the war?

EDNA/LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Yes.

FRANK

This is a different time.

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND EDNA ALL SIT AND MAKE THEMSELVES COMFORTABLE.

FRANK (CONT'D)

It was the night before D-Day.  It was cold, I had chapped lips.

EDNA AND THE GIRLS GASP IN MOCK HORROR.

FRANK (CONT'D)

The whole war was up to me.  That night, I cooked dinner for General Eisenhower.  He ate every bite and never got sick.

SHIRLEY

Thank you for making the world safe for democracy.

FRANK

My pleasure, Shirley.  Come on, Edna, let's go.

FRANK AND EDNA START FOR THE FRONT DOOR.

EDNA

What's the big rush?

FRANK

I don't want to be late for the reunion party.  At nine o'clock they dynamite the cake.

THE GIRLS AD LIB GOODBYES TO FRANK AND EDNA.

LAVERNE

Well, Shirl, we better get some shut-eye.  We want to be wide awake when we get those promotions.

SHIRLEY

You go ahead.  I feel like a little snack.

SHIRLEY SLICES OFF A TINY PIECE OF HER SANDWICH AND EATS IT.  LAVERNE STARES AT HER.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

That really hit the spot.

You know how much of this scene made it into the episode?  That's right, the "shoo-ins" line and "the five years of hard work" line.  (Which puts this episode in 1961, since the girls started at Shotz right out of high school.)  There's a line before these two lines, about promotions being posted, but the episode proper doesn't really get going until the Scene B of this script.

As for A, it's cute but more easily cut than a heel of bread.  It tells us a little about how the girls cope when money is tight, and it contrasts the two characters, including how Laverne has a higher tolerance for weird food than Shirley does.  The Frank and Edna thing doesn't really add anything, unless it's meant to plant the seed of joining the Army into the girls' heads, and Edna is out of character in being needlessly self-sacrificing for Frank.  I could see Scene A getting a few chuckles if done right, but it doesn't advance the plot.  And, yep, any time they can cut out/down on the girls eating in a Scene A, they will.