"From Suds to Stardom," Scenes H through L

Act Two opens at the "auditorium - day."  This was omitted after Squiggy says he can be laughed at in the privacy of his own home:

GLORIA TWIRLS SQUIGGY'S SPITCURL SEDUCTIVELY.

GLORIA

Come on, Squiggy.  You want to be in the show, don't you?

SQUIGGY TRIES TO BACK OFF.

SQUIGGY

No way.  You shouldn't have told me your plan.

GLORIA

You mean, I should have tricked you?

SQUIGGY

You're darn right.  I'm nobody's fool but my own.  The only way I'd do it is if I was stupid enough to know I wasn't doing it.

GLORIA

(TO LEON) He's right.  Nobody's going to want to do the finale and let us make fools of them.  We've got to trick somebody.

SQUIGGY

That's your problem, lady.  Music is all I care about.  Here's a little thing I call the blues.

SQUIGGY EXITS, PLAYING CLARINET.

GLORIA

(TO LEON) Who am I going to get this late?  Oh, I'll find somebody.

Instead, we got the two male Shotz employees (one named Wilber) being worried they won't have a finale to ruin.  This is what happened after Shirley said she'd like a word with Gloria:

GLORIA

(REACTS TO LEON) Shirley.  How wonderfully fortunate to see you.

GLORIA CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

Gloria, I won't mince words.  I'm here to tell you exactly what I think of you.

GLORIA

You hate me.

SHIRLEY

Hate is such a strong word. I don't hate people.  Dislike might be a better way to describe it.

LAVERNE NUDGES SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(TO GLORIA) I hate you...  You treated Laverne and me very unfairly at the audition.

GLORIA

You're absolutely right.

SHIRLEY

That's why I'm asking you...

LAVERNE NUDGES SHIRLEY AGAIN.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

... no, no, I take that back... I'm demanding that you put us back in the show, or else!

GLORIA

Okay, you're in the show...

SHIRLEY

... Or else...  I'll...

GLORIA

Shirley.  You're in the show.

LAVERNE

Don't you even want to hear the "or else"?

GLORIA

It's not necessary.

LAVERNE

Well, I want to hear the "or else"...  Shirl, what's the "or else"?

SHIRLEY

You're the "or else".

LAVERNE

I'm the "or else"?

Most of that was omitted.  The script has the detail that the "man who plays his eyes" is the head of accounting.

The next scene is in the same place but at "night."  The girls' costumes are described as "cute but obviously home-made."  And the guys in the background are "wearing funny stuff."  They were supposed to "go into a mock strip which really gets the audience going."  Other than that, Scene J aired as is.

Then we go to the "girls' bedroom - night."  Although Boo-Boo Kitty is namechecked in the dialogue, he is first described in the stage directions as "a stuffed kitty."  Laverne's descriptions of specific audience members was added.

The tag is at the "Pizza Bowl - night."  Frank's speech was very different, "So the gorilla says to the bartender ... 'All right then, give me a haircut.'  (RIM SHOT)  Enough humor.  Alright, everybody shut up.  It's show time.  As you all know, we have a new policy here at the Pizza Bowl.  Every Friday night we're gonna bring you entertainment.  Tonight we have a local favorite who has a brand new act...  Carmine Ragusa, and the little Rageese."

Thoughts:

• It's interesting that this Gloria tries, unsuccessfully, to use her feminine wiles on Squiggy.
• He wants to be tricked into doing wrong, but she's not doing a very good job of tricking him, although she will fool the girls.
• I'm not clear in either version why Gloria wants to make fools of people in general.  I get why she'd want revenge on the girls specifically, but why does it come up before that?
• It's cute that Laverne has to nudge Shirley to be tougher, but I can see why this part was cut for time.
• I also think it's cute that Laverne is Shirley's "or else."
• In both versions, Gloria is going to tell a joke about a gorilla going into a bar, so I assume that that's the joke Frank tells the punchline to in the tag.
• Overall, this script isn't shockingly different from what would soon air, although the regulars, especially Laverne, are made more sympathetic in the later version.

"From Suds to Stardom," Scenes D and E

The next scene is at the "auditorium of the Shotz Brewery - day."  We didn't get to see "singers warming up, dancers tapping and stretching, jugglers juggling, etc."

When Gloria jokes that Squiggy is going to drive his truck as his act, "Lenny laughs his famous laugh," which is a charming stage direction, although the close-captioning describes it as "snickering" and "guffawing."  All the script says about "Star-Crossed" is that the boys "break into a rock song.  The song ends with Squiggy on the clarinet."

They dropped this line of Gloria's during the girls' audition:  "(INTERRUPTING LOUDLY) All right, I'd like to get the next three acts lined up.  Number three -- you're up.  Make sure the piano player has your music and don't leave the room until someone dismisses you."

They understandably skipped Shirley telling Gloria, "You wouldn't be able to talk at all if she had kept your lips glued together."

After that, we're at the "girls' apartment - a short time later - day":

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER.  THEY'RE BOTH VERY ANGRY AND VERY SILENT.  THEY BOTH ANGRILY REMOVE THEIR COATS.  SIHRLEY FLINGS HERS ONTO THE FLOOR.  LAVERNE HAS TROUBLE GETTING HER COAT OFF.  SHE STALKS TOWARD THE KITCHEN WITH ONE ARM FIGHTING TO GET OUT OF A SLEEVE.  FINALLY, AS SHE REACHES THE KITCHEN, SHE GETS OUT OF THE SLEEVE BY PULLING IT INSIDE-OUT.  SHIRLEY HAS GONE TO AN IRONING BOARD THAT IS ALREADY SET UP.  SHE BEGINS IRONING, FURIOUSLY.  THERE IS NO CLOTHING ON THE IRONING BOARD.  LAVERNE PACES BACK AND FORTH IN FRONT OF SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

(UPSET) Will you settle somewhere?  You're acting crazy.

LAVERNE

I'm acting crazy?!  Why are you ironing the ironing board?

SHIRLEY

It's wrinkled!

SHIRLEY SLAMS DOWN THE IRON.

Onscreen, the scene opens with Laverne pacing and Shirley ironing, although I can picture their entrance and feel like I saw it in some episode.

And that's it for changes to Act One.

I don't really have much to add, other than I like the idea of Shirley ironing the wrinkles out of the ironing board, because I think she actually would.

"From Suds to Stardom," Scenes B and C

We go to "Laverne and Shirley's apartment - that night."  Here's the script's explanation of Gloria Lubitz's hatred of Laverne:

LAVERNE

Well once at work she fell asleep so I glued her lips together.

CARMINE STARES AT HER.

CARMINE

Why'd you do that?

LAVERNE

I had an hour off.

SHIRLEY

They put Gloria in charge of the show just because she used to be a standby Rockette.  Only she got kicked in the throat thirty-eight times, so she quit.

CARMINE

She's had a tough life.

Onscreen, Laverne says that Gloria spread a rumor that Laverne was easy, so Laverne glued Gloria's cheese sandwich together.  We get the information about Gloria being a Rockette later, but without that detail.

When Carmine asks about their act, there's this:

LAVERNE

Well, we've got a slow one or a fast one...  which do you want to hear?

SHIRLEY

She means a down tempo or an up tempo.

CARMINE

Give me the slow one first.

LAVERNE

You want us to do the whole thing, gestures and everything?

CARMINE

Yeah, give me the total effect.

In the aired version, Laverne would just say they'll do the slow one.

They omitted very short Scene C:

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

CARMINE

Okay, girls, we're almost there.  Let's do the last chorus one more time with the music and really sell it.

CARMINE PUTS ON THE MUSIC.  THE GIRLS DO THEIR CALYPSO SONG AND DO IT VERY WELL, COMPLETE WITH HATS AND AUTHENTIC MOVEMENTS.  THEY FINISH, LOOK TO CARMINE FOR HIS REACTION.  THE GIRLS ARE VERY HAPPY.

Thoughts:

• Wow, Laverne is verging on sociopathic here!  She's much more sympathetic in the filmed version of her revenge on Gloria.
• My sympathy for Gloria is also stronger in this version because of the whole being kicked in the throat almost forty times thing.
• Having Carmine decide which act to see first feels like filler, so that's easily dropped.
• I have mixed feelings about them leaving out Scene C.  On the one hand, it would've been nice to see the whole act, without interruptions or distractions.  Also, I like the idea of Carmine using his talent to help the girls.  However, it isn't strictly necessary that we get a preview of the act.

"From Suds to Stardom," Scene A

On April 21, 1976, less than three weeks before "From Suds to Stardom" aired, its Shooting Script was done.  I don't know if there was a revised version or if they went with this because the clock was ticking.

We start at the "Pizza Bowl - evening - night."  In the script, Frank tells Carmine, "The place hasn't been this crowded since Dominic and Angelina got married on lane five," but onscreen he'd say that they didn't have one fight during Carmine's song.

This was dropped after the girls say they want Carmine to help them with their act for the talent show:

CARMINE

Okay... but do you think you two can do an act?

LAVERNE

Why not?  You should see some of the junk they let in that show.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Hello!

LENNY

Hey, Carmine, what time do you go on?

CARMINE

Ten minutes ago.

SQUIGGY

Good, we're early.

LENNY

Hey, ladies, you ready for the talent show audition?

SHIRLEY

Yeah, we're going home to rehearse.

AS SHIRLEY, LAVERNE AND CARMINE EXIT:

SQUIGGY

Well, we're ready, too.

LENNY

Yeah, I even washed my guitar.  Let's us rehearse.

THEY WALK OVER TO PIANO.

SQUIGGY

Look what they did to the driving machine.

LENNY

It's a piano.

SQUIGGY

Where do you put the quarter?

Thoughts:

• Some more of the colorful unseen neighborhood characters we never got to hear about on air, this time Dominic and Angelina.
• That is a pretty harsh Hello Cue.
• And the boys are rude about deliberately skipping Carmine's performance, which doesn't usually happen in canon.
• I do kind of love Lenny washing his guitar though.
• I have mixed feelings about the "driving machine" part.  On the one hand, it makes Squiggy seem extra moronic, and on the other, I appreciate the continuing mentions of that machine in Season One.

"The Bachelor Party," Scenes E through K

Act Two opens in the "girls' apartment - a few minutes later - night," even though it was day in the previous scene.  They skipped Shirley saying, "Spaghetti -- ravioli  -- inka dinka bottle of ink, cork fell out and you stink.  I don't want you.  I want you -- so you stink," and I guess this is before she notices Laverne entering with a pizza box.  But that's the only change in Scene E.

The next scene is set at the "Pizza Bowl - the next night."  The beginning of the description is "It's bedlam," which is fairly accurate.  They seem to have left out the men pinching Shirley, although Squiggy and others seem to be trying.

They dropped the groom's first line:

MILO

(TOO MUCH BEER AND PIZZA) Getting married -- (FALLS IN HIS PIZZA)

They added Fonzie kissing Laverne again when she reluctantly agrees to be the cake-girl.  After the men go into the bowling alley, Laverne said to herself, "Look, I'm in show business."

The scene after that is also in the Pizza Bowl, "a few minutes later":

THE CAKE IS NOW IN POSITION NEAR THE GUYS' TABLE.  ALL THE GUYS HAVE TURNED THEIR CHAIRS TO FACE IT.  LAVERNE IS STANDING NEXT TO THE CAKE.  FONZIE IS MAKING A TOAST.

FONZIE

And while I'm toasting you, Milo, I wanna toast all my old gang.  Carmine Ragusa the big Ragoo [sic], may he win the Golden Gloves and Shirley, too.

ALL CHEER.

FONZIE (CONT'D)

(TOASTS) And to Silky Mulcheck, who now that I've moved across town, is the biggest ladies' man in the neighborhood.  (WINKS)  And to Squiggy and Lenny -- the reason I moved out of this neighborhood.

LENNY

(LAUGHS) He's got a good sense of humor.

SQUIGGY

Did he ever put French fries in his hair?

In the script, after Laverne says that "a very nice girl" is going to come out of the cake, there's the stage direction, "LENNY APPLAUDS," which McKean does very lecherously.

In the script, Fonzie's threat to Lenny was "How'd you like to feel my fist up your nose?", which became a threat to Lenny's throat.  They again added a little kiss between Fonzie and Laverne, after she thanks him for handling the disappointed men.

They omitted Laverne taking the "top hat" off the cake and putting it on.  And the scene and act end with Shirley asking, "Can I try that hat on?"

The tag is set in the "girls' apartment - day," and the stage directions say that "it's Monday."  They added Frank saying that the old neighborhood is changing and even the snow is dirtier.  Otherwise, the scene basically made it in.

Thoughts:

• There's not much to say about Scenes E, H, and K, other than they were polished a bit.
• It is J, the scene of the title party, that is of most interest here.
• Carmine would win the Golden Gloves by season's end, although not Shirley.
• Aired canon would hint that Fonzie is from this neighborhood, but here it is clearly stated.
• It's weird to have Silky mentioned in the toast, as if he's equally important to viewers as Carmine, Squiggy, and Lenny, but like I said, they were still figuring things out about characters at this point.
• The line about Squiggy and Lenny being the reason that Fonzie moved away, and his later threat to Lenny, ricochets off Squiggy's line in the "Fonzie's Funeral" episode of Happy Days, where Squig says that the Fonz was the nicest guy who ever beat him up.
• Lenny finding Fonzie funnier than Squiggy feels weird, and the French fries thing comes back again, a meh running joke.
• I don't know what the "top hat" of the cake is.  Is it part of Shirley's costume?  Is it the term for the very top layer of the cake?
• Overall, this script for the second episode of the series shows them definitely finding their way with the characters, from people we'd never see again to Fonzie's relationship to both girls.  I gave the resulting episode only a C+, and I think this script is weaker, but nonetheless intriguing in its primitiveness.

"The Bachelor Party," Scenes C and D

We're again at the Pizza Bowl during the day:

THE PIZZA BOWL IS PRETTY BUSY.  LORENZO IS MAKING PIZZA.  MARY IS WAITING ON TABLES.  LAVERNE IS AT THE REGISTER.  SHIRLEY IS WATCHING A CUSTOMER PAYING LAVERNE.

LAVERNE

(VERY PLEASANT) Thank you.  Do call again.

THE CUSTOMER EXITS.

SHIRLEY

(IMPRESSED) Laverne, you're such a person.

LAVERNE

(SHY) Yeah...

SHIRLEY

You're such a person.  You say "Hello" you say "Goodbye", you don't hit anyone.  Your father was wrong.

LAVERNE

It's an effort, believe me.

LAVERNE GOES TO A CUSTOMER AT A TABLE WHO IS JUST LEAVING.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(VERY PLEASANT) Hello, how was your meal?

CUSTOMER

It stunk!

LAVERNE

Really... (PLEASANT) Why whatever was the trouble?

CUSTOMER

The trouble was it stunk.

LAVERNE

(HOSTILE) Ahh, dry up and blow awa -- (PLEASANT) Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that --

THE CUSTOMER THROWS DOWN SOME MONEY AND EXITS.

SHIRLEY

That's okay, he had it coming, Laverne.

LAVERNE

No.  I gotta watch myself.

SILKY ENTERS.  HE'S IN HIS DRESS WHITE SAILOR SUIT.  SQUIGGY AND LENNY SEE HIM.

SQUIGGY

Hey, Lenny, look, it's Silky.  Hey, Silky, when you get back?

SILKY

I never left.

SQUIGGY

Oh, then you got back last time.

SILKY

Excuse me, fellows, I gotta swing into action.

LENNY
He's girl crazy.  I hope I never get that way.

SQUIGGY

Don't worry about it.

SILKY GOES OVER TO LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

SILKY

Hey, beautiful, you look great.  I don't know what you do to your eyes but I thought there was a movie star here.

SHIRLEY

Hi, Silky.

SILKY

Is that you, Shirley?  You beautiful doll!

HE KISSES SHIRLEY'S HAND.

LAVERNE

I thought your ship sailed out this month.

SILKY

It did?

SHIRLEY

How come you get to stay here?

SILKY WINKS AND MAKES CLICKING SOUNDS.

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) What does that wink mean?

SILKY

There's a young lady who works in the admiral's office who makes out the duty rosters.

LAVERNE

So?

SILKY WINKS.

LAVERNE (CONTD)

Again he's winking.

SHIRLEY

This young lady has a crush on you?

HE WINKS.

SILKY

Gives me anything I want.

SHIRLEY
I'll bet.

LAVERNE NUDGES HER.

SILKY

Stay beautiful, girls, I'll be back.

SHIRLEY

He's such a smooth talker.

LAVERNE

But he says the same things to everyone.

SHIRLEY

Only girls.  I'm going home.  When are you coming home for dinner?

LAVERNE

No, I gotta work.  I've gotta prove to my father that he doesn't have to watch me like a hawk.

FONZIE (O.S.)

Hey, Laverne.

FONZIE ENTERS.

LAVERNE

Hi, Fonzie.

FONZIE COMES TO THE COUNTER.

That mostly got cut out, presumably on the assumption that the audience wouldn't want to wait more than four minutes for Fonzie this time.  So the second scene of the aired episode starts with him entering and talking to Shirley.

They added Fonzie kissing Laverne, but they omitted this:

LAVERNE

Listen, Fonzie, I've got to cancel our date this weekend.  I've gotta work.

FONZIE

That's okay.  I've gotta cancel myself.  We'll make it next week and we'll make up for lost time.

SHIRLEY

How?

LAVERNE

It's your business?

In the script Shirley says she's heard stories about bachelor parties, which was improved for filming to her brothers being the ones who've heard the stories.  (Her brothers are mentioned later in the scene, in both versions.)  And Fonzie kissing both Laverne and Shirley was added.  In the script, Shirley predicts that the bachelor party will be "an orgy," the first use of that word in any L&S script I assume.

The scene ends with Laverne calling after Shirley, "You don't understand business.  Go join the Campfire Girls!"

Scene C dissolves into Scene D, but onscreen they're just one scene.  Carmine calling Laverne "Vernie" is a nice touch for filming.  Onscreen, the scene ends with the three guys being amused that Mary and Lorenzo refuse to work overtime, but the script has this:

LENNY

(TO LAVERNE) Boy, you're in trouble.  (TO SQUIGGY) That's funny,

SQUIGGY

(STARTS TO EXIT) I don't get it.

LENNY

That's because you got no sense of humor.

SQUIGGY

And didn't I make that waitress laugh when I put the french fries in my hair?

LENNY

She didn't laugh.  She poured milk on your pants.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, but that was funny.

LENNY

That was her, that had nothing to do with the french fries.

SQUIGGY

But if I hadn't done the french fries chances are she wouldn't have brought the milk --

THEY EXIT.

The aired version continues with the rest of this scene after the commercial break, as Laverne and Carmine talk about his "little angle face Shirley."  And that finishes up Act One of the Script.

Many thoughts:

• Laverne here is all of us who've worked in customer service, which tells us a lot about why she was probably happiest when she worked at the brewery.
• That's so cute how Shirley uses "person" as a compliment.
• We would see Silky onscreen but he's just a sailor at the bachelor party.  (Timothy Thomerson had not been cast at the time of this script.)  I don't know why there's all this backstory here (and later), unless they were trying to see which characters would work and which wouldn't.  But by airdate, they'd wisely pared things down to the basic recurring characters for the most part.
• Lenny & Squiggy's "girl crazy" exchange is open to at least three interpretations, and I love them all.
• It's interesting, especially compared to the later characterizations, that it is Shirley who's charmed by the smooth-talking sailor here, while Laverne is skeptical.
• The winking is a little creepy.
• Silky does not hit on guys, apparently.
• Fonzie and Laverne dating was being phased out by the time this aired, but here we're supposed to see them as an occasional item.  Shirley's curiosity/voyeurism would end up being a very characteristic trait.
• On the other hand, they did want Fonzie to kiss both girls, even though he "picks up a spare" in both versions.
• The "Campfire Girls" line would become somewhat ironic later, when it would be revealed that Laverne and Shirley got kicked out of the Brownies together.
• Lenny and Squiggy's exchange about being funny is remarkably unfunny, and I'm glad it was dropped.  Except, it does show an early version of what would come up in "The Duke of Squigman," where Squiggy won't admit that sometimes girls don't like his style of flirtation.
• Like I said, we can see in these two scenes that characterization was a work in progress.  Oddly enough, the Carmine stuff made it in, and yet this Carmine is little like who he'd be even by the end of Season One.

"The Bachelor Party," Prologue and Scenes A and B

On January 8, 1976, exactly one month before "The Bachelor Party" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was done.  Unlike other Season One scripts I own, this one in fact lists the series title as "Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney," just like we'd see on the opening credits throughout that season.

Another difference is that we get an unlettered little prologue, set on the "brewery assembly line - day."  It has the girls reacting to Laverne being summoned on the loudspeaker, as we'd see on the air.

Then Scene A is in the "break room," still day.  They added Shirley asking a couple girls if they know what happened to Laverne.  In the script, she's instead eating lunch, which makes her seem less worried.  Otherwise, what's here is what we got.

The next scene is at the Pizza Bowl, also daytime:

FRANK DE FAZIO IS AT THE CASH REGISTER.  THE PHONE RINGS.

FRANK

(INTO PHONE) Pizza Bowl, Frank De Fazio.  Yeah we deliver.  Yeah it'll be hot.  What are you, a gourmet?  What's your address?  (STARTS TO WRITE)  You want it in ten minutes.  You got it.  (HE HANGS UP)

SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER.  THEY ARE DELIVERING A KEG OF BEER TO FRANK DE FAZIO.  LORENZO IS OFF TO THE SIDE MAKING PIZZA.

SQUIGGY

Where do you want it?

FRANK

The same place I've wanted it every week for the last eight years.

SQUIGGY

Where's that?

FRANK

You don't know?

SQUIGGY

Hey, we ain't been comin' here no eight years.

LENNY

Yeah, three, four years at the most.  Can't you count?

LENNY AND SQUIGGY LAUGH.

FRANK

Put it in the back.

SQUIGGY

Where's the back?

FRANK

This is the front.  That's the back.

SQUIGGY

Why didn't you just say so.

LENNY

Hurry up my arms are getting tired.

THEY EXIT TO THE BACK AD LIBBING.

SQUIGGY

Oh, here's the back.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER.  FRANK SEES THEM.

LAVERNE

Hi, Pop.

FRANK

Hey, Laverne.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY GO UP TO THE TABLE.

LAVERNE

You all packed and ready to go?

FRANK

(TO LAVERNE) Yeah I'm ready.  (NICE) Hiya, Shirley.  (PINCHES HER CHEEK)

SHIRLEY

I'm very sorry about your Uncle Nunzio.

FRANK

He kept telling everyone he was sick.  For forty years no one believed him.

SHIRLEY GASPS.

LAVERNE

It was his time.

LAVERNE IS SILENT.

FRANK

Let me make sure you know what you're doing here.  You open at eleven for the lunch crowd.

LAVERNE

Open at eleven.

FRANK

(TO SHIRLEY) Make sure she does it.  (TO LAVERNE) If they want anchovies on half, you charge for the whole thing.

LAVERNE

Charge for anchovies.

FRANK

(TO SHIRLEY) Make sure she does it.  (TO LAVERNE) When you close up -- and this is very important, Shirley -- you --

LAVERNE

Why do you keep checking with her?  I'm the one you're leaving in charge.  Why don't you trust me.

FRANK

(LOOKS AT SHIRLEY AFFECTIONATELY) Because a face like this you can trust...  (TO LAVERNE) And a face like this you watch like a hawk.  (TO SHIRLEY) Did she tell you how she wrecked the place the last time she was in charge?  She beat up two sailors.  Knocked 'em through a two hundred dollar window.

SHIRLEY STARES AT LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

How could you do that?

LAVERNE

... A lucky punch.

FRANK

No more lucky punches.  Mary is here to wait tables, Lorenzo is here to make the pizza.

LORENZO WAVES.

LAVERNE

Don't worry.

FRANK

If I had a son I wouldn't have to worry.

LAVERNE

I fought like a son.  What'd you want me to do, grow a moustache?

FRANK

That reminds me.  I'm gonna have to see your Aunt Josephine.  See you Monday.  (GIVES APRON TO LAVERNE)

SHIRLEY

I never saw you in a suit before, Mr. De Fazio.

FRANK

Yeah, I was saving it for Laverne's wedding but I figure it can turn to dust before then.  (TO LAVERNE) Remember, Laverne, open at eleven... anchovies... no fighting.  Got it.

LAVERNE

Got it.

FRANK

(TO SHIRLEY) Make sure she's got it.

HE KISSES LAVERNE AND EXITS.

LAVERNE

See how he doesn't trust me.  This time I'm gonna show him I can run this place as good as anyone.

SHIRLEY

You bet you will.  Laverne, how did you knock two sailors through the window with one punch?

LAVERNE

The wind was with me.

That entire scene was dropped.  Some of my many thoughts:

• Ten minutes to cook and deliver a pizza seems mighty speedy, unless there was already that kind in the oven and the address is on Knapp Street (or whatever the street was called at this point).
• I hadn't realized that the original cook was Lorenzo, but Mary the waitress, bless her, is there, as she will be to the end.
• Squiggy and Lenny (and, yes, that order feels weird) don't get much to do here, especially compared to later, but I am intrigued by a few things in this exchange.
• Frank apparently has had the Pizza Bowl for eight years, or at least has had Shotz beer delivered to the back for eight years.  If I remember correctly, it's his tenth anniversary in Season Four's "Date with Eraserhead."
• The boys have been coming to the P.B. only three or four years, but I don't know if this is as deliverymen or includes them coming in as customers.
• They don't know where the back is, which might be a fair question, since we're never shown it.
• I like that Laverne calling her father "Pop" is already established in the second episode.
• Why is Frank extra nice to Shirley?  That feels off to me.
• The thing of the hypochondriac finally dying is an old, sort of vaudeville/Catskills kind of joke.
• Ah, the answer to one of my lingering questions, the P.B. opens at eleven for the lunch crowd.  At least in this version anyway.
• Laverne does mention, in Scene A, that she started a fight, but we get the details here.  This is a very tough Laverne, beating up two sailors and knocking them through the window, although, yes, the wind was with her.
• Laverne will eventually wear a false mustache, as will Shirley for that matter.
• An Aunt Josephine mention!  I think she has a mustache in the other mention, too.
• I guess Frank is wearing a suit on the bus/train/plane to get to Brooklyn, since people used to dress up for travel back then.
• The line about Laverne's wedding is harsh, especially she can't be that old at this point, even in the days of establishing canon.
• Scene B isn't strictly necessary, since we get from the other scenes that Laverne wants to make her father proud, but it's still an interesting early glimpse at Frank De Fazio, and the boys.

"Short on Time," Scenes L and M

We're at the apartment again, somehow "minutes later," which doesn't make any sense, because, for one thing, Laverne has changed back to her waitress uniform, and for another, even if she drove, how could she get from the auditorium back home, especially considering Los Angeles traffic?

They dropped Frank saying that Chuckie got the phone number of the waitress at the coffee shop, because "he's a real operator."  And they omitted the last part of the scene, after the DeFazios hug:

FRANK GOES TOWARD THE DOOR AND HE TURNS TOWARD LAVERNE.

FRANK

Listen, Muffin, maybe I can start getting used to this alone business tomorrow.  But for tonight, is it all right if I sleep on your couch?

LAVERNE

I got a better idea.  Why don't you sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch?

FRANK

That is a better idea, thanks.

LAVERNE

Okay, Pop.  But if there's anything you need, just let me know.

FRANK

There is one thing.  Can I borrow ten bucks?...  I owe the monkey some money from Gin Rummy.

LAVERNE GIVES HIM A "LOOK."

LAVERNE

Gin Rummy?  Wow, Chuckie really is smart.

FRANK

He ain't that smart.  He only beat me two out of three.

LAVERNE

Pop, look at this tally sheet.  He killed you...

FRANK

He was keepin' score.  He cheated.  Look.  He don't even know how to add.  Seven and six is thirteen.

LAVERNE SHOOTS HIM A LOOK, AS WE:

FADE OUT.

In the tag at Cowboy Bill's, in the "evening," Frank was supposed to be carrying "several boards and a hammer.  On one of the boards is written, 'Women, go home.' "  And then after Mary exits to the kitchen (rather than outside, as in the filmed version), Frank "dumps the boards on a customer's table" and says, "Here.  Souvenir."  Otherwise, no changes.

A few thoughts:

• With Chuckie knowing about women and getting the waitress's number, he seems like a real swinger in this episode.  (You're welcome.)
• Frank is a little more vulnerable in this version, although of course they have to undercut that by making him more stupid than a chimp.
• Despite the long gap until the airdate, this script is remarkably close to the later version.  I would like to see a much earlier version, and find out if Edna's departure was handled any better, or worse.  Also, I wonder if they planned to combine all these odd threads together from the first, or if they later threw everything into the stew and hoped for the best.

"Short on Time," Scenes D through K

Act Two opens at the "apartment - one hour later."  And the script is almost identical to the aired version.  Scene E is at the auditorium, no time given, and that, too, is faithful.  

Then Scene H is in the "auditorium wings - minutes later."  The description says, "The usual hubbub during a rock concert is taking place in this backstage area," but it doesn't look that frantic, especially by Laverne & Shirley standards.  The costumer, Jane, says, "Lucky thing you called in your measurements this afternoon," making Laverne respond, "Oh, that must have been Rhon...  Yeah, lucky thing."  They added Lamar telling her that her father just called, another example of how they tried to tie the various threads together more by the time of filming.

Then it's back to Laverne's apartment, "time parallel."  They dropped this, after Frank tells Chuckie about Edna's note:

CHUCKIE DOES NOT RESPOND.

FRANK

You don't understand, do you?  Edna (PANTOMIMES INDICATION OF EDNA) left me (POINTS TO HIMSELF) for a jockey.  (INDICATES SHORT)  Women, huh?  Who can figure 'em?

CHUCKIE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

FRANK (CONT'D)

You been there, huh?  Ah, who cares.  (CRUMPLES NOTE AND THROWS IT ON THE FLOOR)  I'll get over it.  No sweat.

CHUCKIE RASPBERRIES.

FRANK (CONT'D)

(THEN) I don't get it.  I tried to make her happy.  Even used moustache wax when she wanted me to.  I hated the taste, but I did it cause I loved her.  I wonder what she's doing right now?  Probably sitting on her jockey's lap.

CHUCKIE NODS.

FRANK (CONT'D)

It hurts.  All those years.  We ate a lot of pizza together.

FRANK LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE NO ONE IS LISTENING ALTHOUGH NO ONE IS EVEN THERE.

Scene K is at the "stage of auditorium," again with "parallel time."  (I guess they got tired of saying "continuous action.")  Laverne was supposed to be wearing "a Supremes wig," but she's just got her regular early '80s hairdo.  The scene is otherwise as is.

Thoughts:

• There's no explanation in the aired version about Laverne's borrowed dress being too big, but then this episode isn't exactly known for its careful plotting.
• Phil Foster doing drunken pantomime is clearly what was missing from this episode.
• Was Frank eating the moustache wax, or did it just get in his food?
• "Eating a lot of pizza together" sounds dirty to me, especially if wax was involved, but I have a dirty mind sometimes.
• That is such a sad, almost existentialist stage direction about no one being there, especially since it negates Chuckie's presence, even as Frank confides in him.

"Short on Time," Scenes A, B, and C

Scene A reads in its entirety, "THIS SCENE HAS BEEN OMITTED."  So let's move on to B, which is set at "Laverne's apartment - night."  They added Laverne saying she tried to call Edna to find out what's wrong with her pop, but there was no answer.  Other than that, the scene is basically what would air.

So Scene C, which is in the same place, "later."  They added Laverne wondering if she should call her pop.  They changed the leader of the Polka Cats from Myron Florin to Myron Chomsky.  In the script, Laverne tells Chuck she's been working with him "for months," which became the more specific "two months" by the time of filming, which messes up continuity, considering the eventual airdate.

Onscreen, there's a quick explanation of the colors of the Star Trek uniforms, and Chuck says he's "janitor Eigari."  But in the script she says, "I know you're not supposed to be Mr. Spock.  And I know you're not Mr. Sulu.  Who're you supposed to be?", then he replies, "Yeoman Eigari."  The description of the ST episode is similar, but there was also this in the script:

CHUCK

...But it [shooting at the monster] does no good, the monster swallows them.

LAVERNE

Is this a two-parter?

CHUCK

I'll go right to the end.  After eating all that gas the monster got sick and Yeoman Eigari is now one big cosmic burp.

LAVERNE

I musta missed that one.

CHUCK

Yeah, it was the first season when nobody watched.

And that's it for changes to Act One.

A few thoughts:

• I wonder which of the crazy plot threads was in Scene A.  Or maybe it was something else entirely.
• They tried to do a bit more of Laverne worrying about her pop by the time of filming, not that it helps much.
• The "first season" line is cute, but yeah, we're not missing much here, no lost gems.

"Short on Time" script, introduction

On October 5, 1982, over four months before "Short on Time" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was good to go.  From what I've heard, they delayed airing the episode, so that Edna's departure wouldn't appear too close to Shirley's, although of course Betty Garrett left at the end of the sixth season.  Next time, I'll start to get into what changes happened between script and filmed episode, but first, have some wardrobe notes:

My favorite thing here is that Wes Eckhart had to provide costumes for Chuckie, and it looks like he wrote, "Oopsie-Chimp."  And, yes, he had to specify that Star Trek was a series.

"The Note," Tag

The first part of the scene is pretty much what aired, but the Squiggy portion is not.  This time, I'm going to transcribe what aired, and then show you the version in the script:

LAVERNE

Goodnight, Shirley.  Wherever you are.

SQUIGGY:

Goodnight, Laverne.  And I know where you are.

LAVERNE

It's like I haven't fallen asleep yet and I'm already getting nightmares.

SQUIGGY ENTERS IN NIGHTCLOTHES AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.

LAVERNE

What are you doin' here, Squig?

SQUIGGY

Now, now, don't jump to any tasty conclusions.  Uh, well, I, I, this may not be exactly the right time, but, Laverne, I have a proposition to make for you.

LAVERNE

No way!  Get out!

SQUIGGY

No, no, no, it's not anything good.  No, it's nothing like that.  No, what I would like to do is....May I buy your crib?

LAVERNE

What do you want a crib for?

SQUIGGY

Well, to sleep in, of course.  You see, the night I spent over here, sleeping in that crib, I....Well, for the first time in my adult life, I felt like a real man.

And here's the version from a month earlier:

LAVERNE

Good night, Laverne.

SQUIGGY'S VOICE

Good night, Squiggy.

STARTLED, LAVERNE TURNS ON THE LIGHT TO SEE SQUIGGY AT THE DOOR.

LAVERNE

Aw, gee.  I ain't even asleep yet, I'm havin' a nightmare.

SQUIGGY

I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time, Laverne.  But I have a proposition for you.

LAVERNE

Forget it.  You ain't sleepin' here with me.

SQUIGGY

You kidding?  The way you look right now?  I'm surprised you're sleepin' here with you.  What I was wondering was if I couldn't buy that crib over there from you?

LAVERNE

What do you need a crib for?

SQUIGGY

Why, to sleep in, Laverne.  When I slept in that thing I slept like a... dare I say it?  Like a real man.

LAVERNE

Ten bucks, it's yours.

SQUIGGY

Eight.

THEY BARTER.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

I'll send Lenny to pick up the crib tomorrow.

SQUIGGY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT AND JUMPS IN BED WITH LAVERNE.

LAVERNE

Out!!  OUT!!  Get out!

AS LAVERNE CHASES HIM OUT, WE:

FADE OUT.

Thoughts:

• It's sweeter to have Laverne bid goodnight to Shirley than to herself.  Squiggy bidding goodnight to himself is just odd, even for Season-Eight Squiggy.
• They kept the basic idea of the "nightmare" line.
• Squiggy is a lot nicer about "rejecting" Laverne in the aired version.
• He hems and haws about his wish more in the later version, and then they just end it with him wanting to sleep "like a real man."
• The haggling is cute, and I can see Lenny being made into a pack mule to carry the crib back to the boys' apartment.
• Although Squiggy said he doesn't want to sleep with Laverne, he jumps into bed with her.  This crosses a line that is only crossed in canon, I believe, in the controversial and sometimes out-of-character "Road to Burbank," and there it is the usual L&L and S&S pairs.  This scene does reinforce that Judy Pioli, who was such a Lavenny shipper in "The Debutante Ball" and "Lenny's Crush," for whatever reason,  had moved on.
• Overall, this script isn't too surprising, the Squiggy bits aside.  Probably that close to filming, they didn't want to change very much.

"The Note," Scenes E through K

Act Two opens on the "apartment - a couple days later."  The initial part with Patti made it in.

Interestingly, "A bartender from the Playboy Club enters dressed to look youthful."  His name is Tom and he's played by Tom Trbovich, whose "Playboy Show" role didn't make it to air, so this feels like an in-joke, especially since Trbovich sometimes directed L&S.

They omitted Laverne's line, "The bag ladies in California look so much better than the bag ladies in Milwaukee.  Must be their tan."

They added Maxine having the same Beatles poster.  After Patti and Maxine leave together, Laverne originally said, "Fine.  If they're gonna desert me, better now than in ten years.  Who needs those people!"  Onscreen she'd insult the combination of milk & Coke.

The next scene is in the same place, "later that night":

ONLY THE BLACK LAMP IS LIT NEXT TO CARMINE.  FRANK, CARMINE, RHONDA, SQUIGGY AND LENNY ARE ALL DRESSED FOR BED IN THE LIVING ROOM.  SQUIGGY IS IN THE CRIB.  RHONDA IS IN A CHAIR.  FRANK IS IN A CHAIR.  CARMINE IS IN A CHAIR.  AND, LENNY, IS ON THE SOFA.

Onscreen, Squiggy says that a married woman changes her name, which he read in House Beautiful, while in the script he says, "I saw Lon Chaney change into a werewolf.  I'd like to see Shirl with a fuzzy face and fangs."

One stage direction is "They do a snoring bit (see Judy)."  I presume that Judy Pioli, the writer for this script had the specific routine for group snoring in mind and she had to explain it in person.

Onscreen, Squiggy says they didn't want Laverne to have to be alone, but he was scripted to say, "We're all gonna stay right here with you and spend the night.  Ooh, I like the way that sounds."

Scene J is in the bedroom, again with continuous action, and it's basically what would air.

Scene K goes back to the living room, still with continuous action.   Onscreen, Rhonda is sleeping on the other side of Squiggy in the crib, nowhere near the couch, but the script has the stage direction, "Lenny shakes Rhonda and, half-asleep, she slaps him, knocking him back to the couch."

In the script, Laverne, reading from Shirley's note says, " 'Love you always, Shirley.  XXXOOO XXX,' " so Squiggy replies, "I wonder what she meant by the last part."  In the filmed version, she says it as "hugs and kisses" and Squiggy has his line about always hoping to meet his own Walter.  Someone, likely Lander, added Squiggy saying he'll "miss that little whippet."

And that's it for Act Two changes.

A few more notes on "The Note":

• Laverne has understandable abandonment issues in both versions.
• Although there are some un-Lenny moments in this script, that lead-up to him sleeping on the sofa is just right.
• Squiggy having classic-horror-movie fantasies about Shirley is on brand, although the House Beautiful line works, too.
• Squiggy lusts after Laverne more in the script than onscreen, which is surprising, but then so is Lenny being interested in Rhonda, in both versions.
• Next time, we'll look at the tag, which short though it of course is, deserves to stand alone.

"The Note," Scenes A through D

We start at the "Burbank Business Association's monthly meeting - night":

THE MEETING IS TAKING PLACE IN A LARGE ROOM.  A SIGN ON THE WALL READS "BURBANK BUSINESS ASSOCIATION."  THERE IS A SPEAKER'S STAND AT THE HEAD TABLE.  THE ROOM IS SCATTERED WITH OTHER TABLES THAT SEAT MOSTLY OLDER COUPLES.  AT ONE TABLE SITS [sic] LAVERNE, CARMINE, RHONDA AND SQUIGGY.  LENNY IS PACING BEHIND THEM.  FRANK APPROACHES THE SPEAKER'S STAND AND GRABS THE MICROPHONE.

FRANK

It's really an honor to be your host for this month's meeting.

APPLAUSE.

FRANK (CONT'D)

As long as people still need stuff, I predict better business in Burbank.

THE CROWD POLITELY APPLAUDS.

ANGLE ON:

LAVERNE, CARMINE, RHONDA AND SQUIGGY AT THEIR TABLE.

LENNY

Laverne, I can't believe we let you drag us here.

SQUIGGY

Five bucks says the guy on the left drops dead doing the Tarantella.

LAVERNE

C'mon, I promised my Pop that we'd give him our support.  But I gotta admit, I didn't promise that I'd stay awake.

They skipped that opening and went right to Frank announcing the dance contest.  They dropped Lenny's line after Laverne and Carmine win the dance contest, "If it couldn't be me, I'm glad it was you two."  Lenny sitting down and eating the chicken from Cowboy Bill's was added, as was Laverne and Carmine trying to leave.  

Another addition was the exchange about Shirley never having a baby before not being Carmine's fault.  The script instead has Carmine saying, "I just thought it would be manly to own my own chain saw," and Laverne telling him, "You wanna be manly?  --  Here, you carry the crib."

Scene B is set in the "apartment - later that evening," and it all made it to air.  Scene C is in the "bedroom" with continuous action, so it's set right afterwards, and it's also remarkably faithful.  So let's move on to Scene D, at "Cowboy Bill's - day - two days later."

They left out Laverne saying, "She took the iron, too.  Did she have a good reason for that?"  They added Laverne calling the note "chintzy" and Carmine pointing out that Shirley left all her friends, not just Laverne.  The first significant difference, however, is that onscreen Squiggy says that he and Lenny agreed that Laverne can move in with them, while in this script he says, "Laverne, your misery is under the dam.  Me and Lenny voted, and now that Shirley's gone, I'm gonna move in with you."

The onscreen scene ends with Laverne saying she's just going to live by herself.  Here's how it goes in the script:

LAVERNE

Hold it, guys.  Nobody's tellin' me what to do.  I can think for myself.  If Shirley can have her own life, so can I.  I don't need a roommate.  I'm living alone.

CARMINE

What're you gonna do when the rent's due on Tuesday?

LAVERNE

Well, maybe I will get a roommate.

She exits and the first act ends.

A few notes on "The Note":

• That opening is definitely droppable.  The first Lenny line feels out of character, in the sense that it would work just as well if not better coming from Carmine.  The Squiggy line is vaguely Squiggy though.
• The rest of the first scene is more polished onscreen, not a great scene but better.
• Two days doesn't seem like enough time to mourn such a long, close friendship.
• In what universe would Lenny agree to Squiggy moving in with Laverne and without him?
• This scene does confirm my headcanon that Carmine took over as manager after Sonny left.
• This Laverne is more open to getting a roommate than the one onscreen.

"The Note" script, introduction

On September 21, 1982, when it was clear that Cindy Williams was not coming back, the script for "The Note" was turned in, only four weeks before the episode was aired.  Obviously, there wasn't much time for further changes but we shall see.  First though, some wardrobe notes:

What I find most interesting here is, one, Carmine had a lot of wardrobe changes, and two, originally Lenny was going to wear the "Bullmoose P.J.'s" and Squiggy had cowboy pajamas, but wonderfully by filming Squiggy had the Bullwinkles.

"The Mummy's Bride," Scenes J and K

We go to the "hospital room - continuous - night."  This was dropped:

WHEN SHIRLEY REACHES THE END OF THE AISLE SHE NOTICES LENNY AND SQUIGGY LYING ON A BED.

SQUIGGY

Len, we've got the best seats in the house.

LENNY

Maybe later we'll get a sponge bath.

I like this stage direction:

THIS "MUMMY" KISSES OUR GIRL.

Basically, this is what we saw.  The tag, however....

It's still the hospital room, "soon after."

WALTER, SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE ARE TALKING IN ONE CORNER.  RHONDA SITS ON A BED TALKING TO A SOLDIER, AS IS CARMINE.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE STILL ON THEIR BED.

ANGLE ON:  RHONDA

RHONDA

You know, in the theatre, it's good luck when you break a leg.  I guess it's not the same when you're jumping out of a plane.

THE SOLDIER SMILES GOONILY.

ANGLE ON:  CARMINE - TALK TO SOLDIER

CARMINE

I broke my leg once.  I'll never forget how itchy it was under the cast.  I was alright [sic] as long as I didn't think about it.  But the more I thought about it, the more I itched, and the more I itched, the more I scratched, the more I scratched...

SOLDIER

Nurse.  Get this guy outta here.

ANGLE ON:  FRANK

FRANK

(TO SOLDIER) So there I was -- all alone on the Anzio beachhead.  Facing thousands of the enemy by myself.

THE SOLDIER YAWNS.

That all got chopped out, but thankfully Squiggy scaring Lenny about "The Mummy's Bride" made it in.

Thoughts:

• Overall, this script isn't dramatically different from what aired, compared to some, although with little surprises here and there.
• Lenny and Squiggy being in bed together is definitely a thing in script and onscreen.
• Rhonda, Carmine, and Frank each in their own way are self-centered with the soldiers.  And, yay, another Anzio story from Frank.
• Anson Downes, by the way, the soldier with a line, has just a handful of acting credits, including on Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, but he did appear in a movie in 2019.  (He mostly seems to be a producer these days though.)

"The Mummy's Bride," Scenes E and H

We're again in "the girls' apartment - later that day."  Since Laverne went upstairs in the script, she comes downstairs to answer the door, but onscreen she just moves from the couch.  They dropped this:

CARMINE

(SUSPICIOUS) Did Laverne tell me something I don't know she told you?

SHIRLEY

I don't know.  What do you know?

CARMINE

I know I have to tell you something.  That's why I brought the flowers.

SHIRLEY

Oh, no.  Dear Carmine, if you want to talk engagement, I'm not sure this is the proper time.

CARMINE

(RISING) Okay.  That's fine with me.

SHIRLEY

(PULLS HIM) But I think we should talk marriage.

CARMINE

Marriage?  Angelface, this may come as a shock to you...

Then they go into her telling him she's marrying Walter.  They left out Carmine giving her the flowers in honor of her wedding, and her saying, "Oh, thank you.  I've never seen anything so beautiful."

For the next scene, we get an exterior stock shot of an army hospital at night, followed by an interior of the "hospital waiting room," also at night.  After Laverne's line about a wedding at a hospital, there was this:

SHIRLEY

All the conveniences of a church and Uncle Sam picks up the tab.  Isn't it wonderful?

LAVERNE

Wonderful?  Where are all those things ya always dreamed of... the big church... the shrimp pinwheels... napkins with your name on 'em... I mean, I got writer's cramp here, Shirl.

That was replaced by the girls bickering about the gowns.

Walter was supposed to be wheeled on a dolly into the room by another man, but instead it's a female nurse.  They dropped Shirley telling him, "You look beautiful, Walter darling," and asking, "Are you happy darling?...Blink once for 'yes.' "  And then when he does, she says, "I'm happy too."

This was lost after Shirley says that she already told Laverne that Walter has a rash that covers 98% of his body:

LAVERNE

And the other 2%?

SHIRLEY

Our honeymoon.

LAVERNE

Thank the Lord.

SHIRLEY

Don't worry.  The doctor said that the rash will be gone completely in a few days.

Thoughts:

• The confusion between Carmine and Shirley isn't as drawn out onscreen.
• I like that Laverne points out that this isn't Shirley's long-planned dream wedding, but maybe they didn't want to call too much attention to how rushed this was offscreen as well.
• Shirley interacts some with Walter onscreen, but that, too, is trimmed.
• Wow, I can't imagine the censors letting the "2%" line by, with the implication that the part that counts most for a honeymoon is rashless.

"The Mummy's Bride," Scenes C and D

We return to the "girls' apartment - same day."  They left out Laverne telling Shirley she should've used mothballs with the wedding dress, and Shirley replying, "I did.  They ate those too."

When Shirley was on the phone, Laverne was supposed to say to herself, "She's right.  I'm gonna look up from that bowl of chili and meet Mr. Right.  I gotta remember to always have breath mints."  But otherwise, the short scene is faithful and it ends Act One.

Act Two opens in the same place but the next day.  In the script, the girls serve cake at the short wedding shower, but it's "pie," as in pizza, onscreen.  We only see Rhonda's gift-giving, but the script has this:

FRANK

I, Frank DeFazio, being of sound mind and body...

LAVERNE

(LOOKING AT WATCH) Two seconds.

FRANK

(OFFERING GIFT TO SHIRLEY) Here.

SHIRLEY

(CHECKING CLIPBOARD) Thank you, Mr. DeFazio.  I'm all aglow.

LAVERNE

She's all aglow.  Here's your cake.

In the script, Squiggy calls Shirley "my pretty little ducklette," which became "my little butterlips."  His pronunciation of "nuptials" as "nuppitals" sounds like another Lander touch.

We missed this:

SHIRLEY

There's nothing mysterious about Walter.

LENNY

Easy for you to say.  You know the guy.

SQUIGGY

And did you come to me seeking advice and console?  No.  'Cause I woulda said "Hold your horse, Shirley Feeney, don't marry some fly-boy who's gonna take you off for foreign legions as soon as you...share your nuptials with him."

LENNY

You coulda married Squiggy.  He ain't goin' no place.

SQUIGGY

That's right.  I've been going no place for years.  (TO SHIRLEY) So what's your excuse?  And make it good, woman.

Then it goes into the dialogue about Shirley being in love with Walter Meeney.  Onscreen, Squiggy says that Lenny is a funny man because of the suggestion of names for the Feeney-Meeney children, and then he suggests they wash their hair and go down to the ladies' prison, but there was actually more to it in the script:

Except for the phone ringing, this was mostly dropped after Laverne comes back downstairs and asks what's next on the list:

SHIRLEY

(CHECKS CLIPBOARD; READS) "Exchange shower gifts.  Read the manual.  Break Carmine's heart."

THE PHONE RINGS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I'll take that upstairs.  If Carmine happens to show up, you know what to do.

LAVERNE

Sure, I won't beat around the bush either.  I'll look him straight in the eye and say, "Carmine, Shirley's gonna take away your reason to live."

SHIRLEY

(CROSSING TO PHONE) All right, Miss Coward.  I'll do everything.  I'll get the phone, I'll deal with Carmine.

Laverne was supposed to "read the manual" upstairs, but onscreen she makes herself comfortable on the couch.

Thoughts:

• There's not really anything to say about Scene C, but there's definitely stuff going on in D.
• Frank sounds like he's dictating his will.
• Shirley is all aglow.
• It's ironic that Shirley says there's nothing mysterious about Walter, when of course the character would remain a mystery to the audience.
• I love the boys' dialogue about Walter.
• Squiggy is concerned that Walter's just going to deflower Shirley and then leave.
• Lenny remains a Squirley shipper.  And Squiggy acts like he would be willing to marry Shirley.
• Damn, we lost a "woman" line!
• But the love between the boys is even stronger, with that wonderful tribute to Lenny from Squiggy.
• And of course the boys still visit women's prisons, as we'd see proof of in "Death Row," Part Two.
• C'mon, I know Carmine loves Shirley, but she's not his reason to live!
• Shirley has some nerve calling Laverne a coward, when she's trying to get out of telling Carmine herself.  Why is that Laverne's responsibility?