"Blansky's Beauties," Episodes Number Nine and Ten

"Nancy Meets Pa Bates" aired on April 16th.  Some things of note:

• In the opening, some of the Beauties flirt with Joey, and then Arnold wishes he was Joey.  So I guess he's widowed or divorced by this point?  ("Arnold's Wedding" had aired on March, 2, 1976.)  Or just a flirt?  I need to know this for my Nanold fic.
• I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but the dance numbers are terrible.
• "I didn't mean to poke you with my pole."
• I'm not even Southern and I'm offended by the "Arkansas" character.
• Anthony asks Sunshine to help him get dressed.  Is this the creepiest twelve-year-old on '70s sitcoms or have I mercifully blanked out on the rest?  (OK, Little Earl on What's Happening!! had his moments, but he was only nine.  And hitting on a thirteen-year-old.)
• Scott Baio in a leisure suit.  Yes, I'm going to screen-cap this....
• Pa Bates is such a hick he's never heard of slot machines.
• A gambling addiction?  This must be a Very Special Episode.
• Arnold has a Rhonda-like tendency to refer to himself by his first name.
• Charo reference.
• Wow, that is the first thing on this series I actually laughed at, Nancy slapping a man for saying, "Let's shoot craps"!
• They repeat the slap gag a few times.  Nancy and guest Warren Berlinger actually have good comic timing on it.
• "Tomorrow I'm gonna have chitlin foo young on the menu."
• Nancy and Arnold are going hiking in the desert and he promises her a good time.  See, you ship it now, right?
• And Anthony hits on three girls his own age, playing spin the bottle.
• This is Joe Glauberg's only BBeauties script, but he did write ten Happy Days episodes, including the historic My Favorite Orkan.

"To Nancy with Love" aired on April 30th.  Here are my notes:

• Random Laverne cameo in the opening.
• I could've lived my life happily without ever hearing Arnold sing, or call his waitresses "hot to trot."
• Second laugh, Nancy's reaction to the intercom.
• The camel is named Irma.
• Oh, goody, a reprise of the "French Foreign Legion" number.  Except, the camel doesn't actually show up this time.
• This is one of four episodes that Alan Rafkin directed, but the only one on this disc.  And Warren S. Murray is back, after doing the pilot.

"Breaking Up and Making Up: Edna & Frank"

"Breaking Up and Making Up: Edna & Frank"
May 30, 1978
B-

Foster wrote this story with Marion Zola, who didn't do any other L & S episodes, and it's the one where Frank & Edna get ampersanded.  (It looks like he also wrote a Season Eight episode called "Councilman DeFazio," so I guess he occasionally had ideas about what would happen with his character.)  Frank is jealous when Edna has dinner with her fifth and at that point final ex-husband, Johnny Babish (Dale Robinette, who was Bart Andrews the year before), but he refuses to admit it.  He also believes that he's too old to change his ways and be romantic.  The girls, whom Edna introduces to Johnny as her best friends, do their best to get Edna and Frank to make up, from Laverne having a heart-to-heart talk with her father (including some nice memories of her mom back in Brooklyn) to Shirley borrowing a slinky green dress from Squiggy's uncle's wax museum and serenading the estranged couple on a piano.  In the end, Frank and Edna admit their love, and I think Fredna stays intact for the most part for the next three or four seasons.

The other shipping notes are some definite Shirmine (Carmine is clearly excited by the green dress) and Lenny and Squiggy of course responding to Shirley's cry, "Will someone help me out of this dress?" when Edna runs off leaving Shirley pinned in a different dress.  But, Fredna aside, I'm going to go with Shirverne as the dominant ship here.  Laverne calls Shirley beautiful in the green dress, and Shirley calls Laverne cute in the waitress outfit that, this being Season Three, shows off Laverne's legs.  Also, Laverne thinks Shirley's excruciating serenade is wonderful.  Now that's true love!

For some reason, the things I vaguely remember from the time are Shirley's list of silly endearments that Laverne starts to read to her father, and  Lenny and Squiggy's hurt reaction to Frank calling them "pickleheads," although I forgot Squiggy's proud declaration that they are "the best pickleheads in the state of Milwaukee."  But I was ten and that's what would've amused me.

Laverne & Shirley was the top-rated TV series for 1977-78, with its brother show Happy Days at #2 and the more suggestive and farcical Three's Company at #3, so Tuesday nights really were must-see television, and not just for me and my fellow fourth-graders.  Watching the season more than forty years later, it ranges from C- to B+, averaging out to a B-, like the first two seasons, but I think the roughly second half (the thirteen episodes starting with the "New Year's" episode) is stronger than the first half.  Things start clicking more, and the characters feel more in character, so the show gets funnier and sometimes more touching.  Also, arguably the musical numbers are better this season.

I don't remember anything specific about Season Four from the time, although I'm sure things will come back to me as we start that part of our journey tomorrow....

"The Debutante Ball"

"The Debutante Ball"
May 9, 1978
B+

Heavy Lavenny, cannibalistic Squiggy, and a major class clash?  Let's break this bad boy down....

So, after a hiatus of over two months (I don't remember why, maybe ABC was trying out midseason replacements, maybe the cast beheaded half the writing staff, who knows?), L & S came back with this episode written by Ervin & Roth.  I wouldn't necessarily say that the reason it manages to contain a princess fantasy, rich bitches, and sisterhood solidarity is that two women wrote it, but I wouldn't rule that out either.

Laverne and Shirley are eating Chinese food in their kitchen when they find out that Laverne got an invitation to a debutante ball thrown by The Society of Exiled Royalty.  Laverne assumes it's a joke, but it turns out that Lenny is the Count of Kulakowski, and thus 89th in line for the Polish throne.  (As Squiggy puts it, "One good plague, and the kid is practically a queen.")

Laverne says she can't go because she has nothing to wear, so Squiggy says that his Uncle Elliot's Wax Museum will provide costumes.  For once, Shirley encourages Laverne to go out with Lenny, not because she ships them (I don't think she ever does, quite the opposite), but because it's a debutante ball.  Laverne says that she and rich people don't get along, which we've seen examples of in previous episodes, including the first episode.  And Laverne says there are a million girls who'd want to go out with a count like Lenny.

He replies, "Of course a million girls would like to go with me, but I want to go with you!  I mean, you're pretty and you're smart and you happen to be the classiest girl I know."  Shirley nods eagerly, the audience awws, and Lenny more humbly says, "Please, Laverne."

Laverne smiles and accepts, then curtsies (or "crusties" as Lenny would say) and thanks him.  He says that the simple peasant joy on her face is thanks enough.  But his squire Squiggy says with a wink before they exit, "But if you, uh, want to throw in a little royal voe-dee-oh-doe after the ball, it won't break his heart."  Lenny snickers and then bites his wrist.  (Thanks, Judy and Paula, for keeping it real.)

The actual Lizzie Borden

The next scene takes us immediately to the ball, although presumably a longer episode would've had Shirley helping Laverne learn etiquette.  Lenny is wearing a magician's suit and looks surprisingly elegant, despite the pigeon in his pocket.  (Suit pocket, so please hold back your Mae West quotes.)  Laverne looks like something out of Gone with the Wind but it's actually supposed to be a Lizzie Borden gown.

Lenny gets them champagne by reaching behind the server and taking two glasses.  They share a little giggle together and then toast.  But then he "accosts" a woman who throws a drink in his face and says, "Here, Bumpkin!", so he reciprocates, thinking it's like "cheers."  Laverne knows he's been rude, but she tries to dry off his tuxedo, until she realizes that his handkerchief is actually the magician's long scarf.  She sends him to the restroom.

She accidentally flashes her bloomers when she sits down in the hoop skirt.  Then she has to deal with snobbish women, one of whom refers to "dreadful riffraff, rubbing elbows with the rich."  Laverne says she doesn't want to rub their "crummy elbows," and she's there as a debutante being presented by her friend Lenny, the Count of Kulakowski, and points out the tall man who's wolfing down a sandwich.  She proudly says, "Quite a guy, isn't he?"  The two women are aghast and then amused, deciding he's an impostor.

Then it turns out that newcomers have to present their papers that prove their nobility, but Lenny left his in the Pizza Bowl safe.  So we switch to the basement of the Pizza Bowl, where Squiggy tries to frighten Shirley with tales of "the mummy's tomb."  Mr. DeFazio finds "Lenny's royal papers," and a bottle of 100-year-old wine that he's saving for Laverne's wedding.  Shirley hopes that they can all "take a slug" out of it real soon.

Squiggy comes over to look at the bottle, and the door slams behind him, locking the three of them in.  Now, if Squiggy were trapped in a basement with Shirley and a bottle of wine but without Frank, his thoughts might turn to seduction, but instead they turn to, yes, cannibalism.  Or as he puts it, "devouring their comrades."  She gets comically violent with him.  Mr. DeFazio says they'll just have to sit and wait, but for who?  Mary the waitress?  Big Rosie?  Lenny and Laverne after they get kicked out of the ball?

Back at the ball, Laverne waits impatiently for Shirley, while Lenny has lost his "friend," the pigeon.  When he asks Laverne to cover for him while he looks under a couch, she takes him literally and squats over him so that her hoop skirt covers him while he lies face down on the floor.

We return to the Pizza Bowl basement, where the men are sipping wine and Shirley is desperately trying to escape.  Finally, after some more of Squiggy being scary, Shirley makes it out the barred window, although she later reveals that she is not in fact the perfect Size Five she's been telling us she is for three seasons, but from the waist down she's a Seven or an Eight!

Some time later at the ball, the presentations have apparently been going on long enough for Lenny to have started yawning, while Laverne nervously waits to be presented.  Unfortunately, they don't have Lenny's papers and the guards are called.  Shirley bursts in with the papers and Laverne gets them and hands them over.

One of the snobbish women has the guards release L & L, curtsies, and says, "Oh, my apologies, Your Excellency!"

Lenny chuckles and says, "Well, I'm good, but excellent?", which is a variation on a Groucho line from Duck Soup.  Laverne grins and playfully hits his arm.

Then the snobbiest woman says in disbelief, "They're legitimate?", to which Laverne replies, "Yeah, are you?"  Lenny guffaws and pats her arm.

It's now time for Lenny to present Laverne, so after coming onstage without her, he goes back and leads her by the arm.  He tells her, "You're gonna be fine.  I'm really proud to be here with you, Laverne."  He kisses her cheek and whispers, "Go get 'em!"  She's been rehearsing what she'll say to their host, the duke, but she gives Lenny a look of affectionate surprise.

Unfortunately, she trips going down the ramp, knocks over two or three men, and gets a punch bowl spilled on her.  Lenny comes over and suggests she keep going, "maybe nobody noticed."  He helps her to her feet, but the rich crowd is already laughing heartily.  She tearfully says, "I'm sorry, Len," and exits, to the restroom we discover in the next scene.

Shirley scolds the crowd and then goes to tell Laverne that she "put those people in their place."  She tries to make Laverne laugh, including singing lyrics to "the Blue Danube Waltz by Strauss, the louse," which is the main thing I remember about this episode from the time.  Then more seriously, she gives Laverne a talk about true dignity and class, and makes her see that the people at the ball aren't any better than the gang at the Pizza Bowl.  She gives Laverne the courage and support to go out there and face the snobs again.

While Laverne is looking for Lenny, he comes in with the pigeon perched on his hand, but she doesn't see him.  Then the duke invites her to dance with him for the Duke's Dance.  The snobbiest woman looks shocked, while Lenny looks proud and Shirley looks like one of her fairytale dreams has come true.  Now, note that the duke is an older if distinguished gentleman, and he's not presented as a Prince Charming.  It is the honor of dancing with a duke, and one who admires Laverne's courage and true class, that matters, not a potential romance with a stranger.  Shirley starts crying, so Lenny offers her the magician's long scarf, to her confusion.  Laverne beams at her friends: her roommate who saved the day and her pride, and her neighbor that she seems to appreciate in a fresh way.

AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY AFTER.

The Duke and most of the guest stars aren't credited.  Carmine and Edna are both absent, because they eloped.  Kidding!  (Maybe.)

"The Obstacle Course"

"The Obstacle Course"
February 28, 1978
B-

This Arthur-Silver-written episode starts out with a very-Three's-Company-like situation, as first the audience and then Laverne and her date, Officer Norman (Bo Kaprall in his last appearance), are led to believe that Carmine is apologizing for deflowering Shirley, who's nonchalant about it.  Of course, it's all just a Big Misunderstanding (TM), and he split his pants while they were dancing.  (I'm not sure if that explains why she's in her bathrobe, but just go with it.)

Then we find out the plot, which is that Norman has asked Laverne to try out for the LAMP (Ladies' Auxiliary Milwaukee Police), and Shirley, who never got good at athletics because her family didn't approve of scabs, wants to apply, too.  She bungles it and Norman's superior makes some sexist comments, including that women should be "barefoot and pregnant."  Laverne kicks butt at the obstacle course and the chauvinist falls in the water.  (As a Three's Company fan, there's an extra satisfaction in seeing Laverne triumph over Capt. Schmidt, as Mickey Deems played five different creeps on 3'sC.)

Laverne also literally kicks Lenny's butt when he suggests she "show some skin" for the movie that he and Squiggy are shooting.  It's another odd episode for shipping, with Edna trying to get Frank to yell less and failing.  I do think it's interesting that Laverne agrees to meet Norman's mother, and then we never see him again.  That might've been a good episode in itself, and I like Norman, although I don't think he and Laverne (Lavorman?) make a great ship.

"The Driving Test"

"The Driving Test"
February 21, 1978
B+

This Chris-Thompson-written episode is a lot of fun, although it uses only six of the regulars (no Mrs. Babish) and only three basic sets: the Shotz lunch room, the girls' living room, and the boys' apartment.  We find out that Squiggy failed the written part of his truck-driver's license six months ago and has to take it again or be fired.  Lenny offers to help but Squiggy wants to go it alone.  Of course, as soon as Lenny points out that if Squiggy gets fired, Lenny might have to move in with the girls (rather than with his family or whoever), they insist that Lenny help Squiggy, and they get drafted into helping, too.

The girls quickly get frustrated with Squiggy and the scene of first Laverne and then Shirley getting comically violent with him works, although comic violence doesn't always (and not just on this show).  Even better is the tragic accident with Squiggy on a tricycle and Laverne on what looks like a homemade crate-scooter (I'm sure there's a name for it, but it seems like something kids would make from the '30s through '50s), and Boo Boo Kitty as the innocent victim.

But my favorite part is Lenny's pep talk/ hero-worship speech to a drunk Squiggy, who hugs him and exclaims, "How selfish can you be?"  I love the reversal of cliches, and the underlying sincerity of their friendship, as Lander and McKean gleefully yet straight-facedly overact.  Even Laverne Twisting in the living room to mop the floor is fun, as is Lenny's predictable but nonetheless satisfying slip, helped to his feet by Laverne.

The shipping notes are odd here.  Shirley convinces Carmine to offer Squiggy a job, but she just talks sweetly and doesn't kiss him or anything.  And it turns out that both Laverne and Shirley are in Squiggy's little black book, Laverne because her father paid Squiggy to never try to ask her out, and Shirley with a warning that she wants to marry Squiggy and have his babies!  And when the boys want to go to a truckstop to celebrate Squiggy passing his test, they have to tell the girls it's just for truckers, and they wonder aloud why the girls always want to tag along with them.

"Bus Stop"

"Bus Stop"
February 14, 1978
B+

I found this Barry-Rubinowitz-written episode delightful, from Harry Shearer as Interviewer asking Laverne and his future fellow Spinal-Tapper Christopher Guest about whether they prefer Kennedy or Nixon, to the other Spinal-Tapper, McKean, contributing the song "Milwaukee Moon" that the regulars sing in the tag.  It's a hot couple days, possibly shortly after the famous Nixon-Kennedy television debate, on Sept. 26, 1960.  (And, yes, we just had St. Patrick's Day three episodes ago, but no one ever said these all happen in order.) The girls appear on a pre-recorded person-on-the-street interview, and two cute medical students prefer Nixon, while the girls prefer Kennedy.  That right there is a tip-off that the young men are not the Mr. Rights that Shirley will later daydream of.

(Lenny somehow has never heard of Kennedy, while Squiggy says that Nixon reminds him of his dad, which is disturbing on several levels in the post-Watergate era, especially since Squiggy's father is dead.)

The med school guys invite Laverne and Shirley to visit them in Oshkosh, which, in a line that made me laugh out loud, Shirley says, is "everything she imagined," even though all they see of it is the bus station.  She thinks that if they act classy, they can marry future doctors, but the Nixon fans are only interested in a little vo-dee-oh-doe.  (I think there's an implication that this is partly an economic class thing, that the med students would only want working-class girls for one thing, although I might just be reading that into the show.)  Laverne is tempted but listens to Shirley, so the guys sneak out and abandon them in Oshkosh with only bus fare home, not enough to stay in a hotel.

There's some good physical comedy, as when Laverne realizes that the Station Master (actor-writer Carl Gottleib) is not just benevolently offering hotel money, and Marshall has to react to Williams's innocence.  But there's also something poignant in Shirley trying not to be such a dreamer and Laverne telling her to keep dreaming for both of them.  This is one of the episodes that really spotlights their bond and their differences.

Laverne leaves a message with "Mary the waitress," whom we've seen on several episodes and who has been referred to, although she is definitely a background character.  Mr. DeFazio gives Lenny and Squiggy $25 to go get Laverne and Shirley in their truck.  The guys decide to wake the two "Sleeping Beauties" with kisses, but the twist here is that Squiggy kisses Laverne, and Lenny kisses Shirley!  So this is definitely not a show with fixed ships.  (And I sort of ship Carmine/Edna-- Edmine? Carna?-- at least when they dance, as they do during "Milwaukee Moon.")

For once, Peter Elbling doesn't play a character with a foreign accent on the show, since he has no lines as the Bum.

McKean singing "Milwaukee Moon" solo in 2016:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1a0gIoLYMA

"The Dentist"

"The Dentist"
February 7, 1978
B-

The title character in this Babaloo Mandel story is Shirley's cousin, Mikey Feeney (I assume the twin of Mickey, mentioned on other episodes), an aspiring dentist who Shirley wants to fix Laverne's broken tooth.  Shirley is of course proud of almost having a doctor in the family, and we find out that the Feeneys are "late bloomers."  (Shirley in a swimsuit at 15 looked 8.)

There are some funny bits, like the girls' laughing-gas-induced shootout and of course the stuff with Lenny and Squiggy wanting to play dentist with Laverne.  And it is, in that twisted Lenny way, pretty shippy that he's going to "sacrifice" one of his baby teeth for Laverne, with Squiggy exclaiming, "He loved those baby teeth!  As if they was his own!"  (Does Lenny collect teeth, like Squiggy collects moths?  As with the unseen Jello-skating in their apartment, perhaps it's better not to ask.)

Strangely, not only the actor playing Mikey but the one for the older doctor are uncredited, both on the episode and at IMDB.  Perhaps they were screenwriters for the show, or had other reasons for being uncredited.  Not only is Foster absent, but there are lines about Mr. DeFazio being out of town.

"The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show"

"The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show"
January 31, 1978
B

This aired about twenty months after the previous Shotz Talent Show episode ("From Suds to Stardom"), hence the "almost annual," and is definitely superior.  There were moments when I considered a B+, but it feels a bit choppy, which may be due to the Paula A. Roth story not having much of a plot or may be the fault of syndication and other editing.  This time around, the girls are running the talent show, and recruiting friends from the neighborhood, which is how Carmine, Frank, Edna, and other friends and acquaintances happen to audition.*

Their boss, Mr. Shotz, expects them to include his talentless son, or he'll fire them.  Laverne is predictably defiant, even squirting ketchup on his portrait in the break room, while Shirley of course tries to be more diplomatic.  They end up including Junior in their rendition of "Abba Dabba Honeymoon," on skates, which is what I most remember from the time.

Had I been a few years older, I might've gravitated towards the Lenny & the Squigtones classic "Night After Night," which Squiggy helpfully explains is "about two nights in a row."  It's a gorgeous '50s pastiche, with subject matter as cynical as but more mundane than "Starcrossed."  I would've had to have been a lot older than nine to get that the song is about the age of consent:
BOTH: Night after night
SQUIGGY: I'll treat you like a queen
LENNY: (deep-voiced) Darlin'!
SQUIGGY: Night after night, 'cause you were seventeen.
LENNY: Night after night, wa-ooh!
SQUIGGY: Then your birthday rolled around.
LENNY: (overlapping) Wa-ooh!
SQUIGGY: So you let me go to town...

(A relatively more explicit and more punk version would later be available on their album, with Lenny asking, "Who wants to sleep with the same broad?" rather than "look at":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUwTa8G1B6g)

No shipping notes on this episode, unless you want to count Laverne seeming to enjoy "Night After Night" more than Shirley does.

Fish Trainer Joie Magidow would be on the "Blue Team" in a couple of the "Army episodes" the next year.  Marvin Braverman is Marvin here but would later be an Emcee.  Both Penny and Cindy's moms appear in the episode, Marjorie Marshall as Mrs. Ward, and Frances E. Willliams as Mrs. Bellini.  Ed Greenberg, who's Max Shotz, Jr., not only was in the Committee comedy troupe, but he was Kip in American Graffiti, which starred Cindy Williams, Ron Howard, etc., etc.  And, yep, that's Harry Shearer doing voiceover again, this time as Max Shotz, Sr.


*The geography of Knapp Street and vicinity is always a bit fuzzy on the show.  My impression is that the Pizza Bowl is on the same block or at least very close to Mrs. Babish's apartment building, and there's a downtown where the Pfister Hotel and other classy buildings are located.  Where Shotz Brewery fits into this is unclear, since if it's the same neighborhood as where the girls live, why do they drive into work or take the bus rather than walk?  Yes, it seems to snow on half of these episodes, but still.

"The Slow Child"

"The Slow Child"
January 24, 1978
B

Dan E. Weisburd, who has very few IMDB credits overall, wrote this episode that plays off of and subverts the predatory!Lenny that we've seen so much of in Season Three.  Mrs. Babish's 18-year-old daughter Amy visits from the "special school" she attends.  In the terms of the time (early '60s, although late '70s, too), she is "retarded," although she's described as being at an 8th-grade level, even if her overprotective mother treats her like she's six.  Both Amy and Mrs. Babish grow up in this episode, and Garrett does some fine acting, including when she's angry with the girls for recognizing that Amy is a young woman, not a little girl.

Lenny, who had to take Remedial Reading a few times in school, is drawn to Amy, not just because she's pretty but because she's nice and playful.  When Squiggy calls her a "retard" and a "dummy," Lenny gets genuinely angry, although the boys make up later, ironically calling each other "stupid" as they shake hands.  It's implied that Mrs. Babish is afraid that Lenny will rape Amy if he's alone with her, although Laverne says you just have to tell him no.  He's actually very sweet with Amy, and she kisses him, following the instructions the girls gave her (on one of Shirley's spare autographed pictures of Fabian).  He even loans her his Lone Wolf jacket, and says that he's never let anyone else wear it before.

Meanwhile, it's St. Patrick's Day, despite the January airdate.  The girls have a party, where they do an Irish dance with Carmine.  And he serenades Shirley with "Danny Boy."  This puts the audience in a sentimental mood, and then Mrs. Babish encourages Lenny to dance with Amy.  So it's understandable that I teared up watching the scene today.

Surprisingly, Linda Gillin, who plays Amy, would come back only nine months later as a completely different character, Denise.  Of course, I can't remember if Amy (or any of Mrs. Babish's other four kids) is ever mentioned again, although they would be Laverne's step-siblings for a few years.

Note that Jake the Snake, who was mentioned on a previous episode, here appears with his gang, the Purple Fiends, but none of those performers are credited.  (Jake the Snake was also the name of one of Angela's high school crushes on Who's the Boss?, but I doubt that was an homage.)

"The Horse Show"

"The Horse Show"
January 17, 1978
B-

If you can get past the implausibility that Shirley would take home a horse and Mrs. Babish would be not only OK with it but supportive enough to tell off the authorities, this Judy Ervin story is a pretty good one.  There are some funny moments, like when the girls compare Mr. DeFazio and Buttercup, and when the boys* come in wearing ridiculous cowboy outfits.  I also like Penny M's Harpoesque mime when she accidentally swallows a horse pill, even though I saw that coming. 

I vaguely remember the "Mr. and Mrs. Ed" joke from the time.  (And Mr. Ed wouldn't premiere until about a year after this is set, but that's a minor anachronism for this show.)  The girls pretend that the horses can talk, in order to discourage the boys from jumping them (Laverne and Shirley) at the farm.  Earlier, Lenny bites his hand when he's reminded that he's in Laverne's bedroom.  More of a shipping note is that it takes only one kiss from Shirley to make Carmine drive all over the Wisconsin countryside to find a home for Buttercup.  Both girls must've been Fonzie-level kissers if this series is to be believed.

Bob McClurg has an unnamed role here and would be Policeman #3 four years later.  Robert Casper, who played Max Gruber and is apparently still alive at 95, has TV credits going back to the '50s, but I mostly recognize him as the judge who performed Carol's wedding on The Bob Newhart Show and a bizarre man off the street on Bosom Buddies.


*By this point, just assume that I mean "Lenny & Squiggy" when I say "the boys."  Carmine was in his own category, while Laverne and Shirley do in fact call their upstairs neighbors "the boys."

"The Mortician"

"The Mortician"
January 10, 1978
C+

In Laura Levine's second L & S story, we learn that not only celebrities like Fabian, but ordinary men, like a handsome undertaker, like women to stalk them.  In fact, Laverne even tells the title character that Shirley is dying!  He forgives her pretty quick when he finds out that Laverne just wants to go out with him.

The only shipping notes I have here are that Carmine says, "Va va va voom!" at Shirley's legs, but there's actually more of him dancing with Mrs. Babish, whom he calls "Edna"; and when "the boys" think Shirley is dead, Squiggy refers to Laverne as "the widow DeFazio."

The arrow is from the webpage I stole this from.

John Fink wouldn't do any other L & S roles besides Stan the mortician, but he would be Barry Gates on the Three's Company episode where Janet and Chrissy are rivals for his interest, an episode that aired later that night!  (I doubt nine-year-old me noticed.)

"New Year's Eve 1959"

"New Year's Eve 1959"
December 27, 1977
B

Marc Sotkin also wrote this episode, which is the best of the season so far.  Laverne has a chance to finally date Pete, the guy who gave her her first kiss ten years ago, when she was in the 6th grade.  (This confirms that they're going with the girls being born in '38, no matter what we might've thought in Season One.)  He's recently broken up with his long-term girlfriend, Bea, and Shirley encourages Laverne to get Pete to invite her to the five-dollars-a-couple dance Shirley is throwing at the Pizza Bowl for New Year's.  Laverne goes skating with Pete and they have a great time, and then they make out on her couch, despite Shirley bursting in and cockblocking every couple minutes (not that they called it that back then).  They do go to the dance together, but Bea shows up and only has to play their song, "Chances Are," for Pete to take her back.  Poor Laverne is heartbroken, but Shirley cheers her up, including insisting that Laverne is pretty on the inside and out.

I found the episode both funnier and more touching than any episode in awhile, sometimes within the same minute.  We find out that Pete (like Lenny) admires Laverne's toughness, in this case her ability to take a punch, but he finds milk & Pepsi disgusting, so Laverne, who sometimes gives up part of herself to please men, says she's going to give up m & P.  Then later, when she's lost Pete (and he doesn't even dump her or acknowledge her once he sees Bea), she pours a bucket of milk & Pepsi to drown her sorrows.  Also, it's poignant that Laverne doubts her looks, because Penny Marshall always did. 

Cindy Williams does well with both the comedy and drama, and we can see that her heart breaks for Laverne in the scene at the Pizza Bowl.  Although Officer Norman, who's referred to earlier, shows up shortly before midnight, it is the girls' sisterhood that is the most important relationship here.

As for romance, it's actually Shirmine that gets the most attention of the established couples.  Well, we do see Frank refuse to do the Twist with Edna and put on a waltz instead.  But Carmine gets Shirley a diary and writes the first entry for her, saying that "Carmine" told her that she was the best part of the '50s for him and will be the best part of the '60s.  Of course, little did he know they wouldn't see the next decade out together, but that is a long way off at this point.

"Take My Plants, Please"

"Take My Plants, Please"
December 13, 1977
C-

This Marc-Sotkin-written episode is my least favorite of the series so far.  I couldn't get past my irritation at Shirley spending not only her own money but Laverne's to fill the apartment with houseplants that she expects to sell, especially when they had to scrimp and save for the Great Lakes cruise.  Even the thing with Lenny and Squiggy inventing a radio-toothbrush didn't make me smile.  I did like that Jeffrey (I think its name was), the dead iguana-whatsit from "Hi, Neighbor," is apparently being kept in Lenny's locker, as poor Boo Boo Kitty is in Shirley's (presumably not as a regular thing).  Note that Shirley charms Squiggy into buying a plant so of course Laverne convinces Lenny.  Oh, and this time Penny shows off her legs in shorts after playing baseball.

Ralph James, who plays the nameless Man, would the following season land his voiceover role of Orson on Mork & Mindy.

"Shirley's Operation"

"Shirley's Operation"
December 6, 1977
B-

This David W. Duclon story has the cast in Alice in Wonderland costumes for most of the episode, costumes that we hear are borrowed from Squiggy's uncle's wax museum (mentioned in at least one previous episode).  The gang is rehearsing for a play when Shirley doubles over in pain and then passes out.  She's rushed to the hospital and it turns out she has to have her appendix removed.  She's scared of the operation, a contrast to earlier episodes where Laverne was the one who was scared.  (Of driving, of flying, maybe they're just travel fears, although she was fine on the ship.)

And speaking of ships, we get a bit of Shirmine-- Laverne jokes Shirley told her that Carmine (here dressed as the Caterpillar) was all hands-- but there's actually more of Squigley, although that's arguably platonic.  She actually turns to him for comfort, including an embrace, and he tells her that he's always thought of her as "the female Squiggy" (a line I vaguely recall from the time).

And there is definitely comforting going on with Lavenny.  When she thinks that Shirley has died, she automatically goes to him for a hug, and I don't think that it's just that he's standing right next to her.  Later, when she hears that Shirley is going to be all right, she and Lenny hold hands, until she gets self-conscious about it.  Of course, there's also Lenny still in his team-lust, offering himself and Squiggy as Shirley's potential sponge-bathers.  Season Three is kind of weird, and not just romantically.

Oh, and note that they're still dressing P. Marshall more sexily than in the first couple seasons, here with fishnet stockings that make her look like, as Carmine jokes, "the Mad Hooker."

"The Stakeout"

"The Stakeout"
November 29, 1977
C+

Not to be confused with Season One's "Fakeout at the Stakeout," this Barry Rubinowitz story has the FBI staking out a neighbor from the girls' apartment and suspecting Carmine of being an accomplice.  It's a potentially funny episode but it feels like it just doesn't come together, starting with Mrs. Babish letting the G-Men into the apartment before telling the girls about it, and continuing on with Laverne's "seduction" of a married man.  (I do love the Christmas bow in her hair, which she keeps on even after she changes out of her "tramp" outfit.)  Note that the whole thing about Laverne lying about having a Negro "cousin" is very '70s and a bit cringey in its obviousness.  I don't have any shipping notes, other than Shirley describing Carmine as a man she dates "semi-regularly."

Michael L. McManus, who was Moose earlier, here plays Herb Prange.

"Laverne & Shirley Meet Fabian"

"Laverne & Shirley Meet Fabian"
November 22, 1977
C+

Paula A. Roth wrote this episode that doesn't particularly work but is nonetheless interesting.  As the title suggests, the girls meet Fabian, who plays himself.  The problem is that Fabian at 34, especially with gold chains and hair and wardrobe that don't look particularly '50s, seems unable to play himself at sixteen.  (This incidentally makes Shirley even more of a cradle-robber than she was with Richie Cunningham, particularly since we know that "gaga" Shirley has dreamed about Fabian at least twice.)  Furthermore, the girls stalk Fabian, admittedly at the risk of their own lives, and his reaction is to welcome them in off the ledge, offer them coats, pause for the selfie they need to win a bet with Big Rosie (White is good in her couple scenes), and then, with irony that's supposed to be funny, sing "Turn Me Loose" as they cling to him.

Meanwhile there are a couple things going on with Lenny's recent lust for Shirley (Shirlen ship?), as seen on the "cruise" episodes.  One is that it seems to be, for lack of a better term, tag-teaming with Squiggy, as when they grabbed her on the boat and here where he says that they have the right to see her naked since they saved her life (from frostbite waiting on line for tickets).  The other is that it doesn't mean he's lost interest in Laverne, as when he snaps her bra while she's on the phone and when he roots her on in her catfight with Rosie at the Pizza Bowl.  I prefer the moment in the tag, when L, L, S, and S are sitting around playing Monopoly (a scene that should've been longer and less of a throwaway), and Laverne wants Lenny to tell them more about the "midget luau" he and Squiggy went to, but Shirley says, "Don't encourage him" (or maybe it's "Don't encourage them").

Fred Fox, Jr., who wrote "Excuse Me, May I Cut In?" last season, here plays Freddie the Bellhop.

"Cruise: Part 2"

"Cruise: Part 2"
November 15, 1977
B-

Babaloo Mandel's first of two L & S scripts (written with Barry Lange, who has zero other IMDB credits) gets things a bit more on track, although there is Squiggy forcing a kiss on Shirley, admittedly after she's claimed he's her husband in order to keep the two stowaways from being thrown off board.  And when the guys try to hide in the girls' cabin, Squiggy calls "dibs" on Shirley.

I remember both parts vaguely from the time, specifically Lenny's "do some barks" confusion about disembarking on Part One and this time Squiggy looking down the girls' dresses.  Penny M. has some lowcut or spaghetti-strapped outfits here that reveal parts of her tan torso, and she really is being presented less frumpily than in the first season or two, a trend that would continue as I recall.

As for Cindy W., she gets a nice mix of drama and comedy, especially with her whirlwind romance with Ensign Benson (Phillip Clark again).  She thinks he's going to propose and wonders how to let him down, but of course she's mistaken.  Note that Laverne is a lot happier for Shirley than Shirley was for her in Season One, but this won't be the last time that one or both girls think marriage is on the horizon.

"Cruise: Part 1"

Another humiliating attempt
to earn more money.

"Cruise: Part 1"
November 8, 1977
C+

Chris Thompson wrote this first-parter that did give me some moments I really enjoyed, mostly with Mrs. Babish, but also had some consent issue problems, even for the time ('50s or '70s).  Betty Garrett has another nice scene with Cindy W., here telling her that the tour of the Great Lakes will be fun and "of course" the girls will go to Europe someday.  There's some censor-bait in their exchange about men liking "pounding" (as in the waves and other things).  And then later she shows she's still got her musical-comedy skills, dancing with Mekka at the bon voyage party.

That party has Lenny and Squiggy giving goodbye "grabs" not just to Laverne and Shirley but to every woman they can get their hands on.  Not only that, but when the girls are short $50, Lenny encourages Squiggy to donate his beloved moth collection (mentioned on multiple episodes) to them, not out of generosity but so that the girls will be in their debt, day or night.  I prefer the actual shippy moment of Laverne yelling out the window that if Lenny ever puts their money in his mouth again (don't ask), she'll tell everyone he's never vo-di-oh-doed, to which he replies that he has witnesses!  Oh, and I should mention that Fredna are "going steady," an odd term for people in their 50s in the '50s, but whatever.

As the "next week" sequence suggests, Phillip Clark would return as Ensign Benson, Shirley's potential love interest.

"Laverne's Arranged Marriage"

Some nice physical comedy as Laverne takes
off layer after layer of L-embroidered sweaters

"Laverne's Arranged Marriage"
November 1, 1977
B-

Emily Purdum Marshall (whom I'm assuming is some relation to Penny and Garry) didn't write any other L & S episodes, but she offers some insights into Laverne's relationship with her father.  Laverne is afraid to stand up to him when he arranges a marriage for her, but when, at Shirley's encouragement, she does, he gives her the silent treatment, which hurts even more than if he hit her.  Shirley has to talk to Frank and make him see that Laverne can't marry a man she doesn't love.  (Another of the odd things that come back to me after all these years is that the unseen prospective husband has hair on his thumbs.)  We learn that Laverne's parents had an arranged marriage, which seems old-fashioned even for the '30s, but Who's the Boss? would do an arranged-marriage plot in the '80s.

Which brings us to the issue of ethnicity on '70s sitcoms.  On a show like Welcome Back, Kotter, someone's ethnicity is part of their personality and their shtick, taken to ridiculous heights with Juan Epstein, the Puerto-Rican Jew.  On L & S, ethnicity is usually just in the background, although we never forget that Mr. DeFazio is a pizzeria owner with a temper.  (And several episodes reference Laverne's unseen Uncle Fungy [sp?].)  Here on this episode, ethnicity is front and center, from the first moment that an Italian man walks in and looks like he stepped out of The Godfather.  Lenny and Squiggy assume he's a mobster, and being Lenny & Squiggy they jump to the conclusion that what Frank has arranged is their murder (on the grounds that he must hate them more than anyone he knows).  They later pretend to be Italian, although Mr. DeFazio points out that Lenny's last name is Kosnowski.  (Ironically, Andrew Squiggman was supposed to be Italian, as in McKean & Lander's college comedy routine, but then someone decided that there were already too many Italian characters on the show.)  And when Laverne and Shirley enter, Lenny embraces her as his "sister," while Squiggy rejects Shirley for being Irish.

Which of course brings us back to shipping.  Lenny and Squiggy decide in their middle scene to spoil Laverne in order to get her to tell her father not to have them rubbed out.  Lenny does more of the spoiling and even calls Laverne "our little princess."  (That he's got a maid's cap and apron just adds to the humor.)  But the episode is more notable for the revival of Shirmine.  They (offscreen) share some Chinese food and agree to start dating again.  They don't know whether to kiss goodnight but eventually do and we can tell by the fact that they separately burst into song that it's a good kiss.  I'm not sure why that ship is back on, but maybe the producers decided there wasn't enough for Carmine to do as a platonic friend.

Which brings us to the opening credits.  I only noticed this on the previous episode and this one, but the Season Three credits are very similar to the ones for Season Two, except for three brief scenes that have been inserted.  One has Fredna kissing as he throws pizza dough and it lands on them, the show's usual blend of humor into romance.  The others have Lenny & Squiggy, first bursting in after watching a fire in that one episode where Laverne & Shirley were getting ready to go on dates; and Lenny & Squiggy ogling girls in their usual manner.  There is no new Carmine scene, and I think he's just in the clip where he crashes into the girls during a dance lesson.  I'm curious to see if he'll be built up more, in the episodes and in the credits, but it's fair to say he didn't have the following of Lenny & Squiggy, then or now.  (Nothing against Carmine or Mekka of course.)

"The Robot Lawsuit"

"The Robot Lawsuit"
October 25, 1977
B-

This is the first of fourteen episodes written by Judy Ervin, who had recently played Terry Buttafucco.  It's another that I vaguely remember from the time, especially moments that would've amused a nine-year-old, like Shirley's Mr. Get Well singing to cheer up Laverne.  L & S are toy-shopping for Shirley's nieces, Mindy & Cindy.  (It doesn't say who their father is, but I get the impression that Shirley has at least two older brothers.)  Laverne plays with a robot, which attacks her.  She can't move her neck, which is why Shirley has to cheer her up.  Also, the toy store is charging them $120 (about $250 in 1977 money, $1050 in 2019) for damage to the robot.  A lawyer shows up and encourages them to sue for $100,000, even if it means Laverne must lie on the witness stand.  Laverne gives a speech about "your system," but the judge does the right thing and makes a little speech of his own, another way this was very much a kids' show (no matter the innuendo of a robot mounting Laverne).

The shipping notes on this one are pretty straightforward.  Lenny and Squiggy want Laverne to give them money even before she goes to court, and in the effort to kick them out of the apartment, her neck is cured.  She acts as if she's going to kiss both boys in gratitude but thinks better of it.  Squiggy doesn't seem to notice, but Lenny is definitely receptive.

Richard Karron is Robert A. Markland here but would return as The Ghost in the final season.  Although he didn't do any other L & S episodes, Billy Curtis, who is in the robot suit, had a long-running career, from The Terror of Tiny Town and The Wizard of Oz in the '30s to Faerie Tale Theatre and Eating Raoul in the '80s.