"Blansky's Beauties," Episodes Two Through Five

"Blansky for the Defense" aired on February 19, 1977.  A few things of note:

• We learn a little about Joey and Nancy's backstories, including that Joey hopes to break into show biz, so I guess that runs in the family.
• Joey does some acrobatic flips at the custody hearing, because you know, Garry figured that's what Eddie should do.
• The combined writing talents of LAS's Judy Pioli, Marc Sotkin, and Chris Thompson still can't make me laugh at this series.  Not even with Jerry Paris borrowed from Happy Days for the time being.

"Nancy's Cover-Up" aired on February 26th (except IMDB has it as the fourth episode).  Here's what I can tell you about it:

• In the girls' opening intro, Arnold Takahashi "from Miami Beach, Florida" pops up!  This is about four months after the last episode Mr. T and Tina (nothing to do with the later famous Mr. T).  How does Pat Morita's crossover character fit in?  Well, he's a fry cook at his own coffee shop.  (And apparently also lives in Nancy's apartment building.)  I have no idea what he's been doing in the dozenish years since his last canonical appearance on Happy Days, Season Eleven, in 1983.  (Yes, it hurt my brain to type that.)  He's still trilingual (English, Chinese, and Japanese).
• A sample of the writing on this series, the British Beauty observes, "Such a pity this country outlawed flogging."
• How desperate is this show that they bring on a live camel this early in the run?  Or that they promise that the girls might go topless?
• The word "kinky" is used no less than six times (including in Nancy's line "I want the world to know that Nancy Blansky is kinky"), which seems like a lot for a Garry Marshall show.

"Nancy's Magic Moment" aired on March 12th (except IMDB has it as the third episode).  Here's more than you ever wanted to know about it:

• Well, they're getting their money's worth out of the camel at least, including in the French Foreign Legion number.
• "Ministers applauding a stripper?"  And the surprise there is what?
• They're not very consistent about how many "Beauties" Nancy manages, since it seemed to be ten and then twelve and now it's thirteen.  Or maybe she keeps hiring new ones to represent more of the United States.  (One girl is named "Arkansas," while one is, shudder, "Cochise.")
• No, wait, one of the baker's dozen of coffee orders is for the comic-relief dog, Blackjack.
• They lock the magician's assistant in a closet for one of their nutty schemes, and I'm so exhausted from being outraged by Scott Baio's character's pubescent predatory behavior, I can't manage more than a head-shake at that.
• You might've thought it was physically impossible for 4'11" Nancy Walker to dip 6'5" Herb Edelman for a kiss, but you'd be wrong.
• King Tut reference, didn't they realize that that would date the series in syndication?
• LAS writers Tony DiMarco and David Ketchum wrote this episode.

"Nancy Goes Sheik" aired on March 19th.  Stuff about this one:

• They seem to vary the girls' introductions each episode, which with much sharper writing would've been neat.
• Joey is a lot shyer with women than his cousin Carmine is, or for that matter than his kid brother, "who turns everything into smut."
• They use the word "noogie" on this series a lot.
• Picture this said as suggestively as possible, "I can't wait to meet Sheik Ben-Ali.  I bet I could make his carpet fly."
• Well, there's a crossover I wasn't expecting.  Fred Fox, Jr., who would be Freddie the Bellhop on the "Fabian" episode of LAS that Fall, and Freddie on HD in '79, here plays Marvin the Bellhop for the first of two times.  He'd already written the LAS/HD crossover episode "Excuse Me, May I Cut In" and had recently started his run of twenty-nine HD scripts, all the way into Season Eleven.  Anyway, under the Blansky Law of Relativity, I'm going to assume that Marvin is Freddie's younger cousin.
• Bambi apparently does make the sheik's carpet fly, because he holds her captive so she can become his 33rd wife.  Hilarious, right?
• Nancy gets a "magic lantern" as an apology gift from the sheik after she helps Bambi escape by donning a Farrah wig (don't ask), and Nancy wishes for Rock Hudson.  Oh, Honey, no.
• Arnold Kane didn't write any other Blansky episodes, but he doesn't seem to have settled at any sitcom for long.  But then this is the worst episode so far, like a D or D+ rather than the C- I might give the first four episodes, if I were grading them.

Episodes Six and Seven, "Anthony Falls in Love" (with Bambi) and "Nancy Meets Francie" (Sunshine's mother) did not make it onto this disc, so I can't share any "goodies" from them.  Next up, the coveted "Nancy Meets Laverne"!

"The Fashion Show"

"The Fashion Show"
February 1, 1983
C+

The last L & S episode written by Al Aidekman and Marc Sotkin, and the next to last written by Roger Garrett, has potential it doesn't live up to but, yes, it's not bad for Season Eight.  Laverne's fashion photographer boyfriend, Mike Bailey (Larry Breeding, as presumably the same character he was on "Window on Main Street," although this Mike has been dating Laverne only four weeks), has to flatter and flirt with his models, so Laverne gets very jealous, despite his reassurances.  Inevitably, she has to cover for the model she makes quit, and it goes disastrously, or does it?  Note that Mike likes Laverne because she's "real," and yet she never confesses that the chicken dinner came out of a fast-food bucket.

Speaker Kit McDonough, with her distinctive voice, was Julie the Stewardess in "Airport '59."  Guard Robert Arcaro was a nameless Man the season before.  This time Anjelica Houston plays Miss Paris, although I didn't recognize her.  And Joanna Kerns is unmistakable, if miscast, as spoiled model Monique, a couple years before Growing Pains.

"Ski Show"

"Ski Show"
February 23, 1982
C+

Foster is the funniest part of this episode, written by Judy Pioli and Marc Sotkin, as Frank explains how he used to "ski" as a kid in Brooklyn.  The rest of it is pretty much a standard "ski show" for a sitcom, although we do see not just Laverne but Shirley kiss someone she just met, quite a change from the Shirley of the early seasons (although not the pre-show Shirley of course).

Note that Laverne is still 28 and Frank is 56.  (Foster was pushing 70 and would be dead in three and a half years.)

"Chorus Line"

"Chorus Line"
November 21, 1978
B-

Marc Sotkin wrote this, another episode where Shirley goes on a trip, this time only showing up in the tag.  It's not like the eighth season, where Cindy W. left the show (more about that later of course), but I don't know what was going on here.  (Contract dispute?  In a play?  Working on More American Graffiti?)  It doesn't impact the plot much, but it does mean that Laverne is relying on her male friends more than usual for the middle of the series.

Laverne wants to go to Chicago to audition for West Side Story.  Her father discourages her and refuses to loan her money.  Lenny & Squiggy agree to be her agents in exchange for a ride to Chicago.  Carmine, who of course has dreams of dancing success, goes as moral support and choreographer, especially after seeing the silly dance she does to the boys' deadpan rendition of "I Feel Pretty."  Laverne fails the audition but her father, who claims to be delivering a pizza in Chicago, cheers her on.

So fine you blow my mind, hey, Mickie!

The shipping notes here are obviously Shirley-less, but we do get some Fredna, with him asking and getting a big kiss.  When Squiggy wants to seal the deal with a kiss, Lenny kisses his forehead!  Earlier, the guys asked who was "handsomer," and the costumer seems to be stacking the deck with a black sleeveless T-shirt that shows off Lenny's arms and chest, not to mention the tight blue jeans!  Laverne diplomatically says both boys are cute.

But, yes, there is some Carmerne.  Not only does he teach her a dance routine, but he holds her hand when they arrive at the theater, and he gives her a shoulder massage when she's nervous.  Don't forget that not that long ago, she was afraid to touch his feet when he had a toe cramp and Shirley was out of town.  I feel like all this "don't touch Carmine" stuff is building sexual tension, but I don't know what the payoff if any will be, especially on an episodic rather than arced series.

The sympathetic experienced dancer who briefly befriends Laverne is played by 35-year-old Toni Basil, who had been dancing professionally almost since the actual 1960, and the character is named, with an irony that did not yet exist in '78, Mickie!

"Laverne & Shirley Go to Night School"

"Laverne & Shirley Go to Night School"
October 17, 1978
C+

This is saved from a C or lower by two things: the cameo by Hans Conreid (although I wish he had better material than the script by Marc Sotkin) and the heart-to-heart talk with Laverne and her father, where he says that she's just like her mother, only able to learn things she cares about.  However, it was hard for me get past Shirley pressuring Laverne to go to night school to become a medical technician, something that seems to make Laverne even more uncomfortable than candy-striping did.  Note that Laverne thinks Shirley is the smart one because Shirley got "straight C's" in school.

Carmine, Lenny, and Squiggy are all missing, although there's a perfect "Hello" moment when Laverne tells Edna, "You have a lot of filth living in this building."  Co-creator Lowell Ganz didn't direct any other L & S episodes, which is probably just as well.

"The Robbery"

"The Robbery"
September 26, 1978
C+

This Sotkin-written episode was a bit of a letdown after the first two of the season, not that it's bad, but the two main threads don't really work, separately or together, although, yes, the thing of Laverne and Shirley being hung on the wall is some nice physical humor.  (At that, are they really stupid enough to not just unbutton their coats?)

Laverne is dating Jake the Snake of the Purple Fiends (who we saw on the St. Patrick's Day episode, but I'm not sure if he was played by the same actor, Larry Bishop, there) and Shirley disapproves because Jake is not just rude but a hood.  At the same time, Laverne thinks Shirley doesn't know how to have fun.  (I don't know if this is set before or after the "Roxy" episode.)  So Shirley decides to give Carmine an evening where he won't have to take a cold shower.  Instead, he ends up having to leave in Laverne's fluffy pink robe, and apparently goes outside in it.  (I kept waiting for a payoff where Lenny and Squiggy would see him in it, or Laverne's father, but Frank and Edna are absent again.)  Shirley sends him away because Laverne has just confessed that she was along when Jake robbed a grocery store.  Shirley wants to call the police but Laverne goes over to Jake's apartment (which looks like they redressed the Lenny & Squiggy apartment set) to talk him into giving himself up to the police.

Since my last two posts were so long, I didn't get to mention that in Season Four McKean & Lander get a still with their names in the closing credits, unlike Mekka, Foster, and Garrett.  Clearly, the powers that be recognized how important Lenny & Squiggy were to the series.  (It was around this time, maybe Season Three, that their spin-off was considered but wisely rejected.)  They don't get to do much here, except play detectives and then tour guides.  Note that Laverne accepts the description of a "cheap floozy bimbo" as accurate for her, rather than bristling at it as she would've done in the first two seasons.

"The Festival: Parts 1 and 2"

"The Festival: Parts 1 and 2"
September 5, 1978
B

For the 1978-79 season, the Tuesday ABC line-up stayed intact, and although I still preferred Thursdays (soon with Mork & Mindy before What's Happening!!, with poor on-its-last-legs Welcome Back, Kotter shuttled all over the week as it staggered on, usually Barbarino-less), this was my second favorite night of television in 5th grade.

That said, I definitely remember all the third season Three's Company a lot better than I remember this particular episode of L & S, and not just because 3'sC would be much more heavily syndicated.  I even remember the next week's hour-long Happy Days visit to a dude ranch more clearly and I'm sure I haven't seen that in over thirty years.  That's no reflection on this Roth-and-Sotkin-penned story, which, especially the first half, is a lot of fun.  But I do want to say that my initial reaction was Wow, I didn't know they did an episode set in New York!

I'm treating the two-parter as one episode, because that's how it aired, and there is no "Next week" or "Previously" on the DVD version.  Plus, although it feels like the split probably came with Frank's determination to enter the greasy-pole contest (no, they don't make the obvious joke about Lenny, although there is of course a "hello" entrance for him and Squiggy when Shirley reacts in disgust to the grease), I feel like the two parts hang together better than the halves of "The Cruise" did.

So Laverne and her father invite Shirley and Edna to a street festival in the old neighborhood, and to stay with Frank's mother.  Grandma DeFazio is played by Penny Santon, who was only 62 (three years younger than Phil Foster) but would have a very long career in television, spanning from Mr. Peepers to Friends.  Frank is reluctant to go because his mama is very critical of him, and he knows she isn't going to like his new mustache.  (I remember Foster with the mustache more than without, but I don't know if he keeps it through the next five seasons.)  Carmine is staying behind to look after the Pizza Bowl, so he and Shirley make out in a phone booth at the bus station.  He also gives Edna, Laverne, and almost Frank quick kisses.  Then Lenny asks, "Hey, Laverne, aren't you going to say goodbye to us?"  And he and Squiggy both grab and kiss her!  Good luck charting the shipping on this episode!  (But I'll try.)

It gets even more complicated when Laverne sees a cute guy, who turns out to be her cousin Anthony DeFazio (John Lansing, who would be a nameless Director in the final season).  They're very affectionate, although he flirts with Shirley, and Laverne reveals that Anthony was pretty cute when they used to play doctor as little kids.  Shirley says, "Smut with relatives, Laverne?"

Then Lenny & Squiggy show up, since, as Lenny puts it, there was nothing keeping them in Milwaukee but their job and their apartment.  They're actually there to spy on Shirley for Carmine, which Lenny takes a lot more seriously (and humorously) than Squiggy does.  I got the impression during the first three seasons that Carmine and Shirley weren't that serious and they were free to see other people, especially during their "breakup" and the whole thing with Lucille Lockwash.  Carmine was more protective than jealous or possessive.  Now she can't even go to New York for a few days without him worrying she's going to cheat on him?  Of course Lenny makes things worse in his phone updates, while still managing to cockblock Anthony (including with, if I caught it correctly, a story that ends, "...And that's how Shirley met Carmine."  And he keeps blinding Shirley and Anthony, who don't seem to do more than a little cuddling, with his flash camera.

As for Squiggy, he wins over "Mrs. Grandma" by eating a lot of her home-cooking, so she's thrilled when Frank lies and says Laverne is engaged to Squiggy, which leads to them kissing, and Laverne definitely doesn't enjoy it.  (Of the four possible straight pairs from L, L, S, and S, Squigerne has always struck me as the least plausible.)  Mrs. DeFazio dotes on Laverne, including in Italian, with Shirley having a hilarious reaction of "Well, I don't know about Gina Lollobrigida, but she is very proud of those" about Laverne's chest.  When Shirley reveals that she has a distant Italian relative, the series is lampshading the fact that Cindy Williams was in fact part Italian.

Grandma is upset about being lied to, so Frank decides to form a team for the pole-climbing contest and win his mother a trip to Italy.  Laverne has fun looking for muscular guys, until they defect to form their own team.  Since Grandma and Edna aren't climbing, that leaves five of the regulars, plus Cousin Anthony, and I guess three nameless relatives to form the required team of nine.  I knew as soon as Carmine showed up to fight with Shirley-- on the pole!-- that the team would "win" but lose on a technicality, and that's just Sitcom 101 and not anything I remember from the time.

Carmine and Shirley of course make up, and Lenny wants a reward, specifically a makeout with Shirley, or a box of Crackerjack.  Guess which one he gets?  (Lenley-- Shirny?-- was always a little more plausible than Squigerne.  He clearly lusted for her in a secondary way, and she sometimes seemed fond of "Leonard," although she's arguably maternal or auntly with him, while Laverne treats Squiggy as at best an annoying kid brother.)

Laverne has to make peace between her father and grandmother, which she does, and they have a tearful group-hug, which Shirley joins without knowing what it's about, because that's how sensitive she is.  The regulars wrap up the festival with a group dance and we never see any of Laverne's Brooklyn relatives, friends, or acquaintances ever again.

Cabbie Ogden Talbot previously was Wilbur and a Delivery Man.  Concessionaire William Sumper would play four other roles on this show

"2001: A Comedy Odyssey"

"2001: A Comedy Odyssey"
May 16, 1978
C+

This Sotkin & Thompson story is weird for a few reasons, so let's start with the title.  It of course plays on the 1968 film, but the year is wrong.  Squiggy, who admittedly might be bad at math as an old man (or at least in Laverne's dream) says they haven't seen Laverne and Shirley in 48 years, which makes this at least 2008.  But later on, Laverne says she's 83, which would put this in 2021.  However, Penny M. was 34 at the time, so 48 years later she'd almost be 83.  Furthermore, Shirley says something about wanting to beat up Laverne for 60 years.

Of course, nearly all of the episode is Laverne's dream, and I know, dreams aren't supposed to make sense.  Certainly the girls act a lot older than the 63 they'd be in 2001.  Marshall would indeed gain weight by then (when she was 58), but not as much as Laverne fears.  Most of the episode is wrapped up in unfunny fat jokes, which have not aged well.

The dream is brought on by Frank nagging Laverne about getting married and providing grandchildren, as he has before, but maybe it's getting to her more lately.  We see her and a very near-sighted Shirley in the same old apartment, where Laverne has started to cover even more of the inanimate objects with her L's.  Laverne thinks she's at last getting married, and will at last be able to voe-dee-oh-doe (Shirley's "good influence" lasting decades apparently), but her unseen suitor dies.  Meanwhile, Shirley gets her hopes up when Carmine returns, but he's now a priest.

Then Lenny and Squiggy show up, owning the apartment building and other real estate, and they offer a package deal on marriage, and you of course know how the pairs are going to line up.  Laverne is quite eager to marry Lenny, and I don't think it's just that she's desperate  In fact, they make out on the couch after she accepts, and she's excited that Lenny can still perform his "husbandly duties."  Shirley however resists marrying Squiggy and, even when they're about to have a double wedding performed by Father Ragusa, Shirley can't go through with it.

The men leave and the women fight.  Then they decide that they've had good lives and they don't have to marry anyone.

Laverne talks in her sleep and says she doesn't have to marry Lenny.  Frank and Edna rush in from the living room, where they've been watching television.  Again, this is weird, and not dream-like weird.  I understand why, for the purposes of the story, they're there, but they both have places of their own.  It might've worked if Laverne fell asleep on the couch, and then Frank and Edna dropped by, but going into her bedroom, especially when they know she's asleep and Shirley is in the other bed, just feels off, although we do learn that Edna thinks Laverne marrying Lenny would be a nightmare.

It also feels strange that all this fuss doesn't wake up Shirley, but it turns out that she's suppressing her laughter until Frank and Edna leave, he saying she can marry whoever she wants, as long as the groom is Italian.  Of course, Shirley doesn't find it amusing that she was going to marry Squiggy, especially when Laverne pretends Shirley was enthusiastic about it.  And the subtlest shippy note I have here is that when Laverne jokes about the names of S & S's five children, the last two are Godzilla and Rodan, which Lenny would certainly approve of.  (Rodan came out in 1956 but his [its?] next appearance wouldn't be until 1964's Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster, where G & R team up with Mothra.  You're welcome.)

So what do we learn from Laverne's dream?  That is, what does her subconscious fear/expect about her future?

1. Laverne expects to be fat and unwed, although it's difficult to say which, if either, is cause and which is effect.
2. She thinks that she will be still be living with Shirley, who will be extremely near-sighted and unwed, although these may not be related.
3. She thinks that fashion and technology (like the phone) will not be significantly different, which makes the sci-fi title a waste in that sense as well.
4. She thinks that she would be willing to marry Lenny for sex, and not procreative sex, although obviously it's too late to give her father grandkids.  (Squiggy hasn't given up hope of kids after twelve childless marriages!)
5. She thinks that Lenny, who literally "lost his wife," would be eager to marry her.  
6. She thinks that Squiggy would want to marry Shirley, who wouldn't want to marry him.
7. She thinks that the guys would be a package deal.
8. She thinks that she'll still end up unwed and living with Shirley.

So, although there are better and funnier episodes, including that season, this is definitely a must-see for anyone who ships Lavenny.

"New Year's Eve 1959"

"New Year's Eve 1959"
December 27, 1977
B

Marc Sotkin also wrote this episode, which is the best of the season so far.  Laverne has a chance to finally date Pete, the guy who gave her her first kiss ten years ago, when she was in the 6th grade.  (This confirms that they're going with the girls being born in '38, no matter what we might've thought in Season One.)  He's recently broken up with his long-term girlfriend, Bea, and Shirley encourages Laverne to get Pete to invite her to the five-dollars-a-couple dance Shirley is throwing at the Pizza Bowl for New Year's.  Laverne goes skating with Pete and they have a great time, and then they make out on her couch, despite Shirley bursting in and cockblocking every couple minutes (not that they called it that back then).  They do go to the dance together, but Bea shows up and only has to play their song, "Chances Are," for Pete to take her back.  Poor Laverne is heartbroken, but Shirley cheers her up, including insisting that Laverne is pretty on the inside and out.

I found the episode both funnier and more touching than any episode in awhile, sometimes within the same minute.  We find out that Pete (like Lenny) admires Laverne's toughness, in this case her ability to take a punch, but he finds milk & Pepsi disgusting, so Laverne, who sometimes gives up part of herself to please men, says she's going to give up m & P.  Then later, when she's lost Pete (and he doesn't even dump her or acknowledge her once he sees Bea), she pours a bucket of milk & Pepsi to drown her sorrows.  Also, it's poignant that Laverne doubts her looks, because Penny Marshall always did. 

Cindy Williams does well with both the comedy and drama, and we can see that her heart breaks for Laverne in the scene at the Pizza Bowl.  Although Officer Norman, who's referred to earlier, shows up shortly before midnight, it is the girls' sisterhood that is the most important relationship here.

As for romance, it's actually Shirmine that gets the most attention of the established couples.  Well, we do see Frank refuse to do the Twist with Edna and put on a waltz instead.  But Carmine gets Shirley a diary and writes the first entry for her, saying that "Carmine" told her that she was the best part of the '50s for him and will be the best part of the '60s.  Of course, little did he know they wouldn't see the next decade out together, but that is a long way off at this point.

"Take My Plants, Please"

"Take My Plants, Please"
December 13, 1977
C-

This Marc-Sotkin-written episode is my least favorite of the series so far.  I couldn't get past my irritation at Shirley spending not only her own money but Laverne's to fill the apartment with houseplants that she expects to sell, especially when they had to scrimp and save for the Great Lakes cruise.  Even the thing with Lenny and Squiggy inventing a radio-toothbrush didn't make me smile.  I did like that Jeffrey (I think its name was), the dead iguana-whatsit from "Hi, Neighbor," is apparently being kept in Lenny's locker, as poor Boo Boo Kitty is in Shirley's (presumably not as a regular thing).  Note that Shirley charms Squiggy into buying a plant so of course Laverne convinces Lenny.  Oh, and this time Penny shows off her legs in shorts after playing baseball.

Ralph James, who plays the nameless Man, would the following season land his voiceover role of Orson on Mork & Mindy.

"Tag Team Wrestling"

"Tag Team Wrestling"
September 27, 1977
C+

Marc Sotkin's first of eleven L & S stories is another of those that has jokes that vaguely came back to me as I watched the episode today-- like "People don't like to be called fruit" and "Billy button"-- even though it's not like it's a classic episode.  To raise money for an orphans' playground, Laverne and her big friend Terry Buttafucco (Judy Pioli, who'd return twice in the role) are going to wrestle two other girls.  In an exchange that doesn't seem to get much studio audience reaction, Mrs. Babish and Shirley hope that Terry's last name won't be misspelled.  (A '90s audience wouldn't be that innocent.)  Meanwhile, Shirley is unable to find someone willing to box Carmine, until Squiggy shows up.

Note that this is the second episode in a row where Shirley wakes from a dream about Fabian.  More noticeable is that Lenny really roots for Laverne, his voice (but not Carmine's, Squiggy's, Mrs. Babish's, or even Laverne's father's) very audible several times as he cheers her on.  Laverne would at times try to be more "feminine" for men she was trying to impress, but Lenny definitely likes the tough side of her.  Meanwhile Shirley doesn't even act jealous at Carmine kissing another girl; over two seasons into this show and it's hard to believe that they were ever a canon couple.

Lynne Marie Stewart, whose first role on the show was the very different Barbara Tedesco, here is the Wrestling Coach.  Rose Michtom previously played a Ticket Woman but here settles into her recurring role of the possibly hard-of-hearing or just oblivious neighbor Mrs. Kolchek, who winces when she drinks milk & Pepsi.  And Penny's then 13-year-old daughter Tracy (who had taken her stepfather's last name of Reiner) has her first of three roles on the show, here as Helen, the girl who likes to shove people.