"Fourth Annual Talent Show" script, Scene D

And it's back to the fabulous Shotz Auditorium, at night, in fact, the night of the Fourth Annual Talent Show....

A HUGE FLAG HANGS IN BACK OF THE STAGE.  A BEAR IN A PILGRIM SUIT BOWS.  FRANK ENTERS DRESSED AS UNCLE SAM.

Frank's intro mostly made it in, but he was supposed to tell the audience, "Now shut up and listen," which works better coming from Squiggy in the episode.  In the stage directions, Squiggy is dressed as an old man, rather than Ben Franklin specifically.  The boys' introduction is mostly intact, and the girls are dressed as described in the script.  However, it was supposed to be just Laverne "singing a little song," not both girls, during their "orange bit."  That page of the script is otherwise intact.

We lost this part after Squiggy's "silverware" mistake and correction:

THEY TURN TO THE CURTAIN.  LAVERNE POPS HER HEAD AROUND THE CURTAIN

LAVERNE

(SOTTO TO THE BOYS) We ain't ready.

SQUIGGY

How could you not be ready?  You had a hundred years.

LAVERNE

Stall.

SQUIGGY

It was called the Civil Stall.

LENNY

Say, Mr. History, wasn't it the blue versus the grey?

SQUIGGY

I believe that is true.

LENNY

It was the North versus the South.  The Johnny Reb versus Franky the Yankee.

SQUIGGY

The Civil War.  It was war, and yet it was civil.  The Civil War.

THE GIRLS COME OUT DRESSED AS SOUTHERN BELLES.  THEY SPEAK WITH SOUTHERN ACCENTS.

SHIRLEY

Lulabell, can't you keep up with me?

LAVERNE

'Sho nuff, Violet, but I gotta problem.  (AS HERSELF) Get outta here, Bernice.

The full lyrics of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again" are in the script, but the boys were written to be less enthusiastic in the script, with "Yeah" and "Shout," no exclamation points.  Also, Shirley having trouble getting to her feet was added, maybe to balance not having Laverne's dress troubles at the beginning.

Lenny was supposed to rip off more calendar pages, as Squiggy talked about time passing, but otherwise, their funny routine is from the script.  We did lose this, after Squiggy mentions World War I:

LENNY

Oh, my.  Did we win that war, too, Mr. History?

SQUIGGY

You're darn tooten.  But as you know, time marches on.

LENNY

I'm out of pages.  You'll just have to take my word for it.

SQUIGGY

We know what happened next.

LENNY/SQUIGGY

More strife.

And then there's Lenny's line about Americans not getting along with anybody.

The full lyrics of "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" are in the script.

The "wait" routine with the boys was added between Lenny "throwing the empty calendar across the stage" and their discussion of "the biggest thing to happen to America since World War Two."  The "Rock & Roll Is Here to Stay" number was basically in the script, gold lamé jumpsuits and all, although the choreography and little Lavenny moments were added later.

I laughed out loud reading this scene the first time, when I didn't remember what made it into the episode.  Much credit has to go to McKean and Lander's delivery, but in this scene at least, Chris Thompson gave them a lot to work with.  We lost a few good lines along the way (my favorite for Squiggy is "It was war, and yet it was civil," while Lenny's is "You'll just have to take my word for it"), but we gained some good ones in exchange.