"Blansky's Beauties," Episodes Two Through Five

"Blansky for the Defense" aired on February 19, 1977.  A few things of note:

• We learn a little about Joey and Nancy's backstories, including that Joey hopes to break into show biz, so I guess that runs in the family.
• Joey does some acrobatic flips at the custody hearing, because you know, Garry figured that's what Eddie should do.
• The combined writing talents of LAS's Judy Pioli, Marc Sotkin, and Chris Thompson still can't make me laugh at this series.  Not even with Jerry Paris borrowed from Happy Days for the time being.

"Nancy's Cover-Up" aired on February 26th (except IMDB has it as the fourth episode).  Here's what I can tell you about it:

• In the girls' opening intro, Arnold Takahashi "from Miami Beach, Florida" pops up!  This is about four months after the last episode Mr. T and Tina (nothing to do with the later famous Mr. T).  How does Pat Morita's crossover character fit in?  Well, he's a fry cook at his own coffee shop.  (And apparently also lives in Nancy's apartment building.)  I have no idea what he's been doing in the dozenish years since his last canonical appearance on Happy Days, Season Eleven, in 1983.  (Yes, it hurt my brain to type that.)  He's still trilingual (English, Chinese, and Japanese).
• A sample of the writing on this series, the British Beauty observes, "Such a pity this country outlawed flogging."
• How desperate is this show that they bring on a live camel this early in the run?  Or that they promise that the girls might go topless?
• The word "kinky" is used no less than six times (including in Nancy's line "I want the world to know that Nancy Blansky is kinky"), which seems like a lot for a Garry Marshall show.

"Nancy's Magic Moment" aired on March 12th (except IMDB has it as the third episode).  Here's more than you ever wanted to know about it:

• Well, they're getting their money's worth out of the camel at least, including in the French Foreign Legion number.
• "Ministers applauding a stripper?"  And the surprise there is what?
• They're not very consistent about how many "Beauties" Nancy manages, since it seemed to be ten and then twelve and now it's thirteen.  Or maybe she keeps hiring new ones to represent more of the United States.  (One girl is named "Arkansas," while one is, shudder, "Cochise.")
• No, wait, one of the baker's dozen of coffee orders is for the comic-relief dog, Blackjack.
• They lock the magician's assistant in a closet for one of their nutty schemes, and I'm so exhausted from being outraged by Scott Baio's character's pubescent predatory behavior, I can't manage more than a head-shake at that.
• You might've thought it was physically impossible for 4'11" Nancy Walker to dip 6'5" Herb Edelman for a kiss, but you'd be wrong.
• King Tut reference, didn't they realize that that would date the series in syndication?
• LAS writers Tony DiMarco and David Ketchum wrote this episode.

"Nancy Goes Sheik" aired on March 19th.  Stuff about this one:

• They seem to vary the girls' introductions each episode, which with much sharper writing would've been neat.
• Joey is a lot shyer with women than his cousin Carmine is, or for that matter than his kid brother, "who turns everything into smut."
• They use the word "noogie" on this series a lot.
• Picture this said as suggestively as possible, "I can't wait to meet Sheik Ben-Ali.  I bet I could make his carpet fly."
• Well, there's a crossover I wasn't expecting.  Fred Fox, Jr., who would be Freddie the Bellhop on the "Fabian" episode of LAS that Fall, and Freddie on HD in '79, here plays Marvin the Bellhop for the first of two times.  He'd already written the LAS/HD crossover episode "Excuse Me, May I Cut In" and had recently started his run of twenty-nine HD scripts, all the way into Season Eleven.  Anyway, under the Blansky Law of Relativity, I'm going to assume that Marvin is Freddie's younger cousin.
• Bambi apparently does make the sheik's carpet fly, because he holds her captive so she can become his 33rd wife.  Hilarious, right?
• Nancy gets a "magic lantern" as an apology gift from the sheik after she helps Bambi escape by donning a Farrah wig (don't ask), and Nancy wishes for Rock Hudson.  Oh, Honey, no.
• Arnold Kane didn't write any other Blansky episodes, but he doesn't seem to have settled at any sitcom for long.  But then this is the worst episode so far, like a D or D+ rather than the C- I might give the first four episodes, if I were grading them.

Episodes Six and Seven, "Anthony Falls in Love" (with Bambi) and "Nancy Meets Francie" (Sunshine's mother) did not make it onto this disc, so I can't share any "goodies" from them.  Next up, the coveted "Nancy Meets Laverne"!

"The Rock and Roll Show"

This isn't helping Laverne's ulcer.

"The Rock and Roll Show"
January 25, 1983
C+

Maybe I'm so beaten down by Season Eight that I sort of liked this episode, even if there's something a little heart-breaking about an episode with this title not only missing Michael McKean but with Lander soloing in the opening credits.  (And Squiggy isn't even in it that much.)

In Jill Gordon's third and final L & S story, Laverne encourages Chuck to pursue music because of his harmonica skills.  (Fleischer's harmonica had perked up a dreary final-season Welcome Back, Kotter episode four years earlier.)  He recruits a bunch of science geeks from work, played by Jack Mack and the Heart Attack, and it's up to briefly Carmine but mostly Laverne to teach these nerds how to rock out.  That they achieve only at best a sort of Huey Lewis and the Far from Headline News isn't her fault.  And don't get me started on the stadium audience that looks like it's from 1957 rather than '67.

Promoter Bob Perlow had written three episodes but this is his only onscreen appearance on L & S.  Former writer Chris Thompson does his only directing gig on the series, here in the post-Bosom-Buddies phase of his career.  Note that IMDB claims that "Weird Al" Yankovic is uncredited as the keyboard player, but I don't buy it, especially since the keyboardist looks too tall and not really anything like WAY would look in the "Ricky" video from later that year.

"The Fourth Annual Shotz Talent Show"

"The Fourth Annual Shotz Talent Show"
December 6, 1979
B-

Chris Thompson's writing is a little weak here, with characters meta-discussing, talking about what they need to discuss, too much.  But Carmine & Edna do a nice "Yankee Doodle Dandy," the girls put on Scarlett O'Hara dresses and gold disco-wear, and best of all Lenny & Squiggy do the hard-rocking "If Only I Had Listened to Mama,"* as well as a funny running commentary on the finale.  Oh, and this time Frank has ventriloquist dummies that look a little like Laverne & Shirley.

Valorie Armstrong played Cookie before and is Bernice this time, while William Sumper was a Concessionaire before and is Milo here.  Squigtone W.G. Snuffy Walden would go on to write the theme for Roseanne, among many other shows.  The actor who does the voiceover for Mr. Shotz isn't credited but I definitely miss Harry Shearer's version.


*The line "She said you better wear your rubbers or you're gonna catch your death" sounded a lot different in the pre-AIDS era.  (Rubbers as in galoshes, although then again, who knows with McKean's subversive humor?  Maybe it was about gonorrhea.)

"What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor?"

"What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor?"
October 18, 1979
B-

Bobby Feeney returns in this Very Special Episode written by Chris Thompson and Gary H. Miller (the only L & S script by Miller).  It's a nice touch having Shirley's favorite brother, and the only one we've "met," as well as someone that Laverne is fond of, be the one who is alcoholic, so that the message is more meaningful.  (And knowing that Cindy Williams's father was an alcoholic adds to the poignancy of Shirley saying that "Daddy" was an alcoholic, too.)  I'm just not sure how well the sword-fighting and Lenny and Squiggy's silly costumes fit in with that.  Note that Mrs. Babish gives serious advice for the first time in awhile, since her third husband George had a drinking problem.  We also see the return of Shirley's "Dear Diary" in the tag, and even Laverne singing "Rubber Tree Plant" to encourage Shirley, who doesn't think it's applicable in this situation.

Confusingly Lynne Marie Stewart does in fact play Barbara Tedesco here, but she was definitely a different Barbara in "Hi Neighbor, Book 2," no matter what IMDB says.  She's an ex-classmate here but would be a different ex-classmate in her next, and final, L & S role three years later.

"Feminine Mistake"

"Feminine Mistake"
March 6, 1979
B-

In this Chris Thompson story, Laverne decides to act more feminine to win over her latest crush, Joey Mitchell (a young Jay Leno, who'd play Bobby Bitts in the last season).  She gets advice from Shirley, including the Shirley Shimmy (seen on several earlier episodes).  But Laverne realizes in the end that she needs to be herself, and that she is a real woman.  Also, she says that Shirley is fine the way she is. 

Bum Jack Perkins previously played a Patient and a Bartender, and it looks like he usually was a bartender or a drunk on '70s shows.

"The Bully Show"

"The Bully Show"
October 31, 1978
B-

Chris Thompson wrote this episode that aired on Halloween and deals with an all too real scare: the threat of rape, although it's addressed in the usual cartoon setting of this show, rather than the realism of the attempted rape of Edith Bunker on All in the Family the previous Fall.  Compared to the way this topic was handled in Season One, there is definite progress, not that I'm completely happy with the episode, but it is better than, say, the way it would've gone on Three's Company.

Shirley goes out of town over night to see her unspecified brother graduate from "heavy equipment school."  At first, the worst thing that Laverne thinks she has to deal with is the accidental Manxing of Boo Boo Kitty when Carmine sits on the stuffed animal.  (If I remember anything about this episode from the time it's Carmine saying he "got the cat fixed.")

Unfortunately, Lenny and Squiggy are bullied into setting up their new foreman, Biff (Larry Hankin, who previously was the Tall Dancer on the taxi-dancing episode), with Laverne, who they've just boasted is "loose as a moose" and crazy about one or both of them.  He threatens to fire and beat them up if they don't get him a date with her.  Then they tell her that Biff will be taking her to a Man of the Year banquet.  (This is one of the episodes where Terry Buttafuco is referred to but not seen, here as their supposed next choice for Biff.)  Laverne decides she might as well go out with Biff.

He tells her she might see a "big trophy" by the end of the night and he soon makes his intentions clear.  Although Laverne has gone out with guys who've come on strong, we see that this is not the same thing, especially when he won't let her go out the door and he insists she take off her dress.  He is not asking, he is telling, and then demanding.  And Laverne later gives a little speech about how she chooses the "jerks" she'll be with.  It's played for laughs but it is also a feminist statement of consent, from a character who is not 100% pure (although probably still at least technically a virgin at this point).  She does her best to defend herself, through her intelligence and strength.  But when he plays on her sympathy, she falls for it, and he actually is on top of her on the couch when Lenny and Squiggy come in.

And that's where this episode is, if not problematic, at least not fully evolved.  And, yes, I am looking at this from a 21st-century perspective, as well as a literal child of the '70s and someone who knows quite a bit about the late '50s/ early '60s.  Lenny and Squiggy got Laverne into this mess and it is only Lenny's guilt, and fear of being seen as a coward, that bring them to the rescue just in the nick of time.  (At that, it takes all three of them to beat up Biff as an awkward team.)  Laverne is so grateful that she kisses, Squiggy?!  And then she finds out that the boys knew about Biff and she tells them that a friend should be more important than a job, "especially our jobs."

She does forgive Lenny and Squiggy, and they insist she throw them out to show that she still likes them.  And it's sweet, in a weird way, but let's not forget that even if the boys hadn't set up the date, they were spreading rumors about her in the break room at work, and they should know better about this, considering Season One's "Once Upon a Rumor."

In the tag, Laverne tells Shirley it was dull around there while she was gone, and Shirley finds out about Boo Boo Kitty's injury and repair.

"2001: A Comedy Odyssey"

"2001: A Comedy Odyssey"
May 16, 1978
C+

This Sotkin & Thompson story is weird for a few reasons, so let's start with the title.  It of course plays on the 1968 film, but the year is wrong.  Squiggy, who admittedly might be bad at math as an old man (or at least in Laverne's dream) says they haven't seen Laverne and Shirley in 48 years, which makes this at least 2008.  But later on, Laverne says she's 83, which would put this in 2021.  However, Penny M. was 34 at the time, so 48 years later she'd almost be 83.  Furthermore, Shirley says something about wanting to beat up Laverne for 60 years.

Of course, nearly all of the episode is Laverne's dream, and I know, dreams aren't supposed to make sense.  Certainly the girls act a lot older than the 63 they'd be in 2001.  Marshall would indeed gain weight by then (when she was 58), but not as much as Laverne fears.  Most of the episode is wrapped up in unfunny fat jokes, which have not aged well.

The dream is brought on by Frank nagging Laverne about getting married and providing grandchildren, as he has before, but maybe it's getting to her more lately.  We see her and a very near-sighted Shirley in the same old apartment, where Laverne has started to cover even more of the inanimate objects with her L's.  Laverne thinks she's at last getting married, and will at last be able to voe-dee-oh-doe (Shirley's "good influence" lasting decades apparently), but her unseen suitor dies.  Meanwhile, Shirley gets her hopes up when Carmine returns, but he's now a priest.

Then Lenny and Squiggy show up, owning the apartment building and other real estate, and they offer a package deal on marriage, and you of course know how the pairs are going to line up.  Laverne is quite eager to marry Lenny, and I don't think it's just that she's desperate  In fact, they make out on the couch after she accepts, and she's excited that Lenny can still perform his "husbandly duties."  Shirley however resists marrying Squiggy and, even when they're about to have a double wedding performed by Father Ragusa, Shirley can't go through with it.

The men leave and the women fight.  Then they decide that they've had good lives and they don't have to marry anyone.

Laverne talks in her sleep and says she doesn't have to marry Lenny.  Frank and Edna rush in from the living room, where they've been watching television.  Again, this is weird, and not dream-like weird.  I understand why, for the purposes of the story, they're there, but they both have places of their own.  It might've worked if Laverne fell asleep on the couch, and then Frank and Edna dropped by, but going into her bedroom, especially when they know she's asleep and Shirley is in the other bed, just feels off, although we do learn that Edna thinks Laverne marrying Lenny would be a nightmare.

It also feels strange that all this fuss doesn't wake up Shirley, but it turns out that she's suppressing her laughter until Frank and Edna leave, he saying she can marry whoever she wants, as long as the groom is Italian.  Of course, Shirley doesn't find it amusing that she was going to marry Squiggy, especially when Laverne pretends Shirley was enthusiastic about it.  And the subtlest shippy note I have here is that when Laverne jokes about the names of S & S's five children, the last two are Godzilla and Rodan, which Lenny would certainly approve of.  (Rodan came out in 1956 but his [its?] next appearance wouldn't be until 1964's Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster, where G & R team up with Mothra.  You're welcome.)

So what do we learn from Laverne's dream?  That is, what does her subconscious fear/expect about her future?

1. Laverne expects to be fat and unwed, although it's difficult to say which, if either, is cause and which is effect.
2. She thinks that she will be still be living with Shirley, who will be extremely near-sighted and unwed, although these may not be related.
3. She thinks that fashion and technology (like the phone) will not be significantly different, which makes the sci-fi title a waste in that sense as well.
4. She thinks that she would be willing to marry Lenny for sex, and not procreative sex, although obviously it's too late to give her father grandkids.  (Squiggy hasn't given up hope of kids after twelve childless marriages!)
5. She thinks that Lenny, who literally "lost his wife," would be eager to marry her.  
6. She thinks that Squiggy would want to marry Shirley, who wouldn't want to marry him.
7. She thinks that the guys would be a package deal.
8. She thinks that she'll still end up unwed and living with Shirley.

So, although there are better and funnier episodes, including that season, this is definitely a must-see for anyone who ships Lavenny.

"The Driving Test"

"The Driving Test"
February 21, 1978
B+

This Chris-Thompson-written episode is a lot of fun, although it uses only six of the regulars (no Mrs. Babish) and only three basic sets: the Shotz lunch room, the girls' living room, and the boys' apartment.  We find out that Squiggy failed the written part of his truck-driver's license six months ago and has to take it again or be fired.  Lenny offers to help but Squiggy wants to go it alone.  Of course, as soon as Lenny points out that if Squiggy gets fired, Lenny might have to move in with the girls (rather than with his family or whoever), they insist that Lenny help Squiggy, and they get drafted into helping, too.

The girls quickly get frustrated with Squiggy and the scene of first Laverne and then Shirley getting comically violent with him works, although comic violence doesn't always (and not just on this show).  Even better is the tragic accident with Squiggy on a tricycle and Laverne on what looks like a homemade crate-scooter (I'm sure there's a name for it, but it seems like something kids would make from the '30s through '50s), and Boo Boo Kitty as the innocent victim.

But my favorite part is Lenny's pep talk/ hero-worship speech to a drunk Squiggy, who hugs him and exclaims, "How selfish can you be?"  I love the reversal of cliches, and the underlying sincerity of their friendship, as Lander and McKean gleefully yet straight-facedly overact.  Even Laverne Twisting in the living room to mop the floor is fun, as is Lenny's predictable but nonetheless satisfying slip, helped to his feet by Laverne.

The shipping notes are odd here.  Shirley convinces Carmine to offer Squiggy a job, but she just talks sweetly and doesn't kiss him or anything.  And it turns out that both Laverne and Shirley are in Squiggy's little black book, Laverne because her father paid Squiggy to never try to ask her out, and Shirley with a warning that she wants to marry Squiggy and have his babies!  And when the boys want to go to a truckstop to celebrate Squiggy passing his test, they have to tell the girls it's just for truckers, and they wonder aloud why the girls always want to tag along with them.

"Cruise: Part 1"

Another humiliating attempt
to earn more money.

"Cruise: Part 1"
November 8, 1977
C+

Chris Thompson wrote this first-parter that did give me some moments I really enjoyed, mostly with Mrs. Babish, but also had some consent issue problems, even for the time ('50s or '70s).  Betty Garrett has another nice scene with Cindy W., here telling her that the tour of the Great Lakes will be fun and "of course" the girls will go to Europe someday.  There's some censor-bait in their exchange about men liking "pounding" (as in the waves and other things).  And then later she shows she's still got her musical-comedy skills, dancing with Mekka at the bon voyage party.

That party has Lenny and Squiggy giving goodbye "grabs" not just to Laverne and Shirley but to every woman they can get their hands on.  Not only that, but when the girls are short $50, Lenny encourages Squiggy to donate his beloved moth collection (mentioned on multiple episodes) to them, not out of generosity but so that the girls will be in their debt, day or night.  I prefer the actual shippy moment of Laverne yelling out the window that if Lenny ever puts their money in his mouth again (don't ask), she'll tell everyone he's never vo-di-oh-doed, to which he replies that he has witnesses!  Oh, and I should mention that Fredna are "going steady," an odd term for people in their 50s in the '50s, but whatever.

As the "next week" sequence suggests, Phillip Clark would return as Ensign Benson, Shirley's potential love interest.

"Airport '59"

"Airport '59"
September 20, 1977
B-

Chris Thompson's first of nine L & S episodes kicks off Season Three, when this series was in the most popular block of television.  (Happy Days still at 8 on Tuesdays, but now Three's Company at 9.)  I know Thompson's work better for Bosom Buddies (which he co-created and wrote nine episodes of), but he gets the gist of what this show was about: slapstick and a bit of sentiment.  Director Alan Rafkin's name is another that is new to this show but familiar to me, for, among others, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Bob Newhart Show, and It's Garry Shandling's Show.  He would do an impressive 22 out of 24 of this season's episodes, and then move on.

The story is told mostly in flashbacks, as the girls reveal that instead of flying to Wisconsin as "Packer Backers," flight-fearing Laverne had to pilot the plane.  Surprisingly, the most shippy thing that happens is Shirley planting a kiss on Laverne's lips when she thinks they're going to crash.  Laverne remarks that they'll talk about this later.  (A similar thing happens on a Bosom Buddies episode, when Henry tells Kip, "I love you!", because he thinks they're going to be killed by mobsters.)

The other four things of note are that, one, apparently no one wears a seatbelt even when their lives seem to be in danger; two, it's a comparatively religious episode, with half-serious jokes about "God as co-pilot"; the episode title not only references the (at that point) three Airport movies but it provides us with a definite timeline confirmation; and four, Penny M. has finally been given a more flattering hairstyle.

Kit McDonough, who plays Julie the stewardess, made twelve appearances on Happy Days prior to this, but I immediately recognized her from the Three's Company pilot (and Soap, Mork & Mindy, and M*A*S*H) in that era.  She would actually wait six years before she returned, as a nameless Speaker.  Packer Fan Ed Peck didn't do any other L & S, but he would've been recognizable then as the recurring Happy Days character Police Officer Kirk.