"The Fire Show," Scenes J and K

And it's back to the girls' apartment, still "night."  The scene is remarkably faithful, although Laverne wanting to keep the 3-D glasses as a souvenir was added.  Scene J became the aired tag.

However, the tag, Scene K, in the script was all dropped.  It's got the same setting, but "afternoon - next day":

LAVERNE IS LICKING GREEN STAMPS AND PUTTING THEM IN A BOOK.

LAVERNE

This time we're getting an electric blanket.

CARMINE ENTERS WITH A MATTRESS AND FLOPS ON FLOOR.

CARMINE

I'm beat.  My car broke down and I had to carry this ten blocks.  Now, c'mon over here and see if it's firm enough.  I wanna go home and go to sleep.

LAVERNE GETS ON THE MATTRESS WITH CARMINE.

LAVERNE

I like it.  It's got a lump in the same place mine did.

SHE GOES INTO HER DIFFERENT SLEEP POSITIONS.  SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM THE DOOR [presumably the front door] WITH HER COAT ON, TAKES A BEAT, DROPS GROCERIES AS SHE SEES CARMINE AND LAVERNE, WHO ARE NOW LOOKING AT HER SPEECHLESS.

SHIRLEY

If anybody wants me, I'll be at the fire station.

SHIRLEY EXITS.

LAVERNE

We gotta stop her, Carmine.

CARMINE IS ASLEEP.

LAVERNE

Carmine?

AS LAVERNE ATTEMPTS TO WAKE CARMINE, WE:

FADE OUT.

I can see why this tag was dropped.  It's not especially funny and it feels contrived, especially Carmine needing to single-handedly carry a mattress ten blocks.  I'm sure the boys could've brought it in their truck, or Carmine could've found another vehicle.  Also, how could Carmine fall asleep that quickly?  It feels like just an excuse for Shirley to find the two of them in another compromising position.  That said, I do appreciate that it attempts closure on Laverne losing her bed in the waffle-iron fire.

The best of what's missing from this version of the script is, no surprise, the boys' material.  Still, I gave the aired episode a B-, and this script was a pretty solid base to work from.

"The Fire Show," Scene H

We switch to a completely different setting, "Theatre - night":

THE THEATRE IS ABOUT HALF FULL OF PEOPLE WEARING 3-D GLASSES.  LAVERNE AND CARMINE ARE SEATED IN THE FRONT ROW.  CARMINE HAS THE AISLE SEAT AND LAVERNE IS NEXT TO A LADY WEARING REGULAR GLASSES OVER HER 3-D GLASSES.  ABOVE THE STRAIN OF MELODRAMATIC CARNIVAL MUSIC, WE HEAR THE WOMAN IN THE MOVIE SPEAK.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Alfred, don't turn around.  Guido, the knife thrower, is following us.  (BEAT) Alfred, look out for that knife!

THE AUDIENCE CRINGES AND DUCKS.  THE WOMAN SCREAMS.

WOMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Alfred, thank heavens you're alive.  You owe your life to that poor, dead balloon man.

SHIRLEY AND TED ENTER, WEARING 3-D GLASSES.  TED HAS A BOX OF POPCORN.  SHIRLEY IS LOOKING FOR LAVERNE.  TED STARTS TO MOVE INTO A ROW WHEN SHIRLEY SPOTS LAVERNE.  SHE REACTS STRONGLY, YANKS TED BACK AND LEADS HIM TO THE FRONT ROW, AND THEY SIT DOWN.

LAVERNE

Oh you lucky dog, Alfred.

The aired scene starts with the female voiceover hoping they can lose Guido on the rollercoaster.  Oddly enough, "Shirley and Ted enter" again, right before the woman warns Alfred about the keg of dynamite, as if they were already considering what to omit in this script but hadn't yet edited out that first part.

Laverne was supposed to "suck Carmine's fingers," not just lick them!

They skipped these stage directions after Carmine offers to buy Milk Duds:

SHIRLEY TAKES HER HAND[,] PUTS FINGERS IN TED'S MOUTH.  LAVERNE DRUMS HER FINGERS UP CARMINE'S CHEST.  SHIRLEY DRUMS HER FINGERS UP TED'S CHEST.  LAVERNE SPEEDS UP THE FINGER BIT.  SHIRLEY SPEEDS UP THE FINGER BIT.  LAVERNE RUBS CARMINE'S CHEST VERY FAST.  SHIRLEY RUBS TED'S CHEST VERY FAST.

And then both Carmine and Ted say, "Knock it off."

The middle-aged woman standing up and telling the two couples making out on the floor, "Cut it out!" was not in the script.

My main thoughts are I wish we got a bit more of the 3-D movie soundtrack on the air; and I'm a little surprised they left out some of the double makeout considering what they kept.

"The Fire Show," Scene E

We're still at the girls' apartment, "a short time later":

LENNY TURNS OFF THE T.V.

LENNY

Oh.  My sides.  How do Bugs and Woody think of those zany gags.  [Yes, with this punctuation.]

SQUIGGY

I hate to spoil your fun, but Bugs and Woody, they steal from Heckle and Jeckle.  How many times have you seen the paint the tunnel on the rock routine?  It's so old my grandmother fell off her dinosaur laughing at it.

LENNY

It's a classic.

SQUIGGY

It's an old classic.

In the filmed version, the boys are still watching and laughing at the comedy stylings of Bugs Bunny and Woody Woodpecker.

In the script, Shirley tries to pull the boys up when she says she wants their "slimey bodies" out of there, and then "the boys pull her on to the couch between them."  But this doesn't happen onscreen until she says that Laverne is out with "Ted Nelson, fireman."

In the written version, Squiggy calls Shirley "sucker," rather than "sister."

In the filmed version, Squiggy suggests cutting off Laverne's air supply, but Shirley says she can handle this by herself.  In the script, this is what happens after Shirley refers to their slimey bodies again:

LENNY

Low blow on us.

SQUIGGY

But all is forgiven.  Now let's all go to the Bijou.

SHIRLEY

No, I'm gonna take care of this myself.

THE BOYS START TO LEAVE.

SQUIGGY

It's beautiful.  She's strong, like a pioneer woman.

LENNY

And yet, she's gentle, like a fairy princess.

SQUIGGY

And still, she manages to look fresh at the end of the day.

My main thought is I kind of love the boys' lost dialogue, especially the "pioneer princess" part, like they're doing an ad for a feminine hygiene product..

"The Fire Show," Scene D

We remain at the girls' apartment as Act Two opens, but now it's "night":

THE TV SET, A GLASS OF MILK AND THE REST OF SHIRLEY'S FIREMEN COOKIES ARE ON THE COFFEE TABLE.  LAVERNE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.

LAVERNE

Hello, fire department?  Is Ted Nelson there?  Why would he go home?  We had a date.  He wouldn't forget me.  He blew in my mouth.  I think that's him now.  (BANGS PHONE ON TOP OF BOOKCASE)  See, smartie pants, he's beating down my door right now.  So there! (HANGS UP; CROSSES TO COUCH)  I wish.  Well, I still got "Sea Hunt."

Most of that was replaced by Laverne wondering in a voiceover why she got stood up, considering she blew in Ted's ear.  Then she says, "At least I got Sea Hunt."

This was dropped:

LAVERNE

Why don't you watch the spectacular in your place?

SQUIGGY

We can't see through the fumes.

LENNY

Yeah.  Our insects, bless their hearts, refuse to die.

SQUIGGY

They're fighters.

Carmine calling the boys "animals" was added.  Lenny's line "Kissy-face, pressy-bod" replaced "Kissy-face, huggy-poo."

Almost a whole page was omitted at the end of the scene:

LAVERNE

Now, remember, stay out of the refrigerator, don't look through our drawers... and if you use the bathroom, put the seat back down.  Goodnight.

SQUIGGY

Rules, rules, rules.

LAVERNE AND CARMINE EXIT.  THE BOYS ARE SHOCKED.  THEY STARE BACK TOWARD THE COUCH.

LENNY

That scarlet woman.  Running off with Carmine like that.

SQUIGGY

Shameful.  Some people have no respect for the others.

LENNY

Yeah, some people don't care how much they hurt other people's feelings.

SQUIGGY

We'll flip to see who gets to tell Shirley.

Thoughts:

• I want the firemen cookies to be shaped and decorated like Dalmatians.
• I'm glad they didn't show us Laverne calling the fire department about Ted, because that feels too desperate.
• Laverne might've blown in both Ted's mouth and ear.  I didn't watch that closely.
• It feels in character for the boys to be rooting for their plague of locusts.
• Laverne laying down the rules for the boys in her absence foreshadows "Duke of Squigman" the next season, although they couldn't have known that then.
• I'm used to Squiggy being that judgy, but "scarlet woman" feels harsh for Lenny to say of Laverne.  He might be jealous, but still.
• And of course the boys are hypocrites, who can't wait to rat Laverne and Carmine out to Shirley.

"The Fire Show," Scene C

We remain in the girls' apartment, now "next day":

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, EDNA AND FRANK ARE ON THE COUCH LISTENING TO TED LECTURE.  MRS. KOLCHECK FROM THE BUILDING IS ALSO THERE.  THERE IS A FIRE EXTINGUISHER BY THE COUCH.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE ALL DOLLED UP.

TED

And rule number ten, never overload your electrical outlets.

EDNA

And rule number eleven, don't burn other people's buildings.

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry.

LAVERNE

But it's a great way to meet firemen.

EDNA

You want to meet firemen?  Get stuck in a tree.

SHIRLEY

Not necessarily, Mrs. Babish.  I once got stuck in a tree trying to save a kitty.  I was hoping a fireman would save me.  None showed up.  Just a bunch of little boys who looked up my dress.

That dialogue all got taken out.  The girls are on chairs, while Mrs. Kolcheck is on the couch with Edna and Frank.  The girls are, however, dolled up.

They added Laverne apologizing to her pop when she and Shirley cover him with foam from the extinguisher.

They dropped this after Frank exits:

EDNA

I'd better go with him.  I know he looks calm now, but any minute he's going to do something ugly to my building.

THERE'S A YELL OUTSIDE THE DOOR.  EDNA OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS OUT.

EDNA (CONT'D)

Frank, get that doormat out of your mouth.

EDNA EXITS.

After Ted says that sometimes "something magical happens between fireman and victim," Shirley originally observed, "Looked like making out to me," so Laverne told her, "Shut up."

The onscreen scene ends with Ted's exit line to Shirley, "Don't play with matches."  Here's how the scene, and act, continue a bit further in the script:

LAVERNE

I guess the shower paid off.

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE) Well, you got him.  Never let it be said that Shirley Feeney is a bad loser.  (SHE STARTS TO CRY)

A few thoughts:

• Not for the first or last time, we lost some Edna dialogue, although it's of course not as interesting as the peeks at her love life.
• I don't know what to say about Shirley's "stuck in the tree" story, other than that's probably more than Ted or anyone wanted to know.
• This Shirley is also a poorer loser than the one in the filmed version, pointing out that Laverne and Ted are making out, and actually bursting into tears.
• The shower paid off, although not really comedically.
• Mrs. K doesn't get any lines.  She's just there so the girls aren't alone with Ted I guess, and so Shirley can suggest Ted practice with Mrs. K.

"The Fire Show," Scene B

We're still in the girl's apartment, "half an hour later":

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE SAYING "GOODBYE" TO THE TWO FIREMEN.  ONE OF THEM HAS A FIRE EXTINGUISHER.  THE FIREMEN EXIT.  THE GIRLS PUT ON LIPSTICK.

LAVERNE

Hey, come back when you're not in such a hurry.

SHIRLEY

There go two wonderful community servants.  Don't you love men in rubber boots?

LAVERNE

And did you get a load of that cutie who's still in the bedroom?

SHIRLEY

Yeah, I saw him.  I wish there was a way to make him stay.

LAVERNE

We could burn the couch.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Nah.

Onscreen, this would all be replaced by Laverne's voiceover "Did you see that cute fireman who's still in the bedroom?"  In the stage directions, Ted is helpfully described as "a cute fireman."  After Shirley blames Laverne for fire traps/hazards, this was dropped:

TED

For instance, a frayed lamp cord.  And all those copies of "Scandals on Parade" under your beds.

LAVERNE AGAIN TRIES TO ANSWER BUT SHIRLEY CUTS HER OFF.

SHIRLEY

Laverne reads them for their dirty stores [sic].  I, myself, only save them for their casserole recipes.

THE GIRLS START FOR HIM.  LAVERNE SWINGS SHIRLEY OUT OF THE WAY BY THE HAIR.

Laverne does a bit later tear out some of Shirley's hair.  In this script, Shirley's middle name is spelled "Wilhomena."  Shirley saying she's known Laverne since the eighth grade seems to be an adlib, and probably an inaccurate one.

There's a fadeout onscreen after the girls shake hands for their agreement to let Ted decide between them the next day, but there was a bit more in the script:

SHIRLEY

But I'm warning you, I do intend to bake.

LAVERNE

Well, I intend to shower.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.  BEAT.  THEN SHIRLEY HEADS FOR KITCHEN AND LAVERNE FOR BEDROOM.

Thoughts:

• I can see why they didn't bother with the two non-speaking firemen and just introduced Ted Nelson.
• No judgment, but I think Shirley has a rubber-boot fetish.
• Squiggy tries to save the beds from burning, but the girls consider burning their couch, just to get a cute guy.
• I guess reading Scandals on Parade for the recipes is sort of like reading Playboy for the articles.
• Shirley's hair is way too short for her to be swung around by it.
• Does Laverne not shower every day?
• Shirley apparently is going to get started on the baking early.

"The Fire Show," Scene A

On January 16, 1979, five weeks before "The Fire Show" would air, its Revised Shooting Script came in.  Let's take a look.

FADE IN:

EXT. GIRLS' APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT

SNOW IS FALLING.

INT. GIRLS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE IN THE KITCHEN, DRESSED WARMLY.  SHIRLEY IS POURING TWO CUPS OF HOT CHOCOLATE AS LAVERNE WARMS HER HANDS ON ONE OF THE CUPS.

We do see both exterior and interior onscreen.  The first five pages are pretty faithful, although I'll note that the iguana spelled his name "Jeffry" in Season One but it's now "Jeffrey," with an extra E.  Also, Shirley repeatedly calling Lenny "Leonard" was added.

And then when the fire breaks out, Shirley in the script tells the boys, "Don't just stand there.  Do something," so they sing "Night After Night," I kid you not.

Shirley rescuing not just Boo Boo Kitty but Poo Poo Puppy and the Feeney Family Album is from the script by the way.

Here's the last part of the scene, after Squiggy tells Lenny he's been singed:

SQUIGGY

...Quick, let's go back and save those beds.

LENNY

How does he fit that big heart into that little body?

LENNY HEADS FOR THE DOOR WITH SQUIGGY IN HIS ARMS.

I can't picture Lander & McKean going for the random inclusion of one of their classic songs at a time like this.  However, Lenny admiring Squiggy's warmth and bravery, and continuing to carry him in his arms, is adorable.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scenes E and H

It's back to the girls' compartment, still night.  After Shirley fears that they'll be murdered in their sleep, Laverne in the script says, "Shirl, you mind if we get separate compartments?  You can keep this one."  Then Shirley replies, "Laverne, we're in this together."

This was dropped after Laverne suggests dropping the microfilm out the window:

SHIRLEY

And have government secrets eaten by a passing moose?

LAVERNE

Okay, no moose.  How 'bout this.  We knock on someone's door, hand 'em the film, say "Beware of the bald man", and fall down.  When they go to get the porter, we run away.  Then it's their problem.

SHIRLEY

Laverne.

LAVERNE

It worked once.

SHIRLEY

Look, whoever is after us is still going to think we have the film.

LAVERNE

Not if we're wearin' signs around our necks that say, "We ain't got the film no more.  Try down the hall."

Instead, we would get Laverne saying she wants to have babies.

Then after Laverne says she has a sacred duty to protect her own "hiney" (that spelling), Shirley in the script says, "C'mon, Laverne you're stronger," but Laverne argues, "Uh-uh.  The dead guy gave it to you.  He wanted you to have it."

The girls "choosing for" the microfilm is longer in print:

SHIRLEY

Okay, we'll choose for it.

LAVERNE

Okay, that's fair.  But no tax, no backs.  Once, twice, three... shoot.

THE GIRLS SHOOT.  IT'S ODD.  THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Odds.

SHIRLEY

You can't call it now.  You big cheater.

LAVERNE

I swear, Shirl, I was gonna call odds.

SHIRLEY

Well, so was I.  You big cheater.

LAVERNE

Okay.  I'm even.

SHIRLEY

Once, twice, three... shoot.

THEY SHOOT AGAIN.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Odds it is.

They skipped Shirley wondering, "Now, where are my P.J.'s," and Laverne telling her, "You go ahead, but if I'm gonna be found dead, it ain't gonna be in my jammies."

The girls don't actually go to bed onscreen, but here's the version in the draft:

LAVERNE

Move over.  I'm comin' up.

SHIRLEY

No, there's not enough room...

LAVERNE CLIMBS ONTO THE TOP BUNK WITH SHIRLEY.  THEY TWIST AND TURN, TRYING TO FIND COMFORTABLE POSITIONS, BUT ELBOWS AND KNEES KEEP GETTING IN THE WAY.  FINALLY, THEY BOTH FIND A COMFORTABLE SPOT.

LAVERNE

Good night, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

Good night, Laverne.

CUT TO:

INSERT

INT. CORRIDOR - PARALLEL ACTION

ANGLE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE GIRLS' DOOR.  A TRAY IS ON THE FLOOR.  ON IT IS TWO CUPS OF HOT COCOA AND TWO MACAROONS.  A HAND COMES INTO THE FRAME AND DROPS A TABLET IN BOTH CUPS.

CUT TO:

INT. GIRLS' COMPARTMENT - CONTINUOUS ACTION

THE GIRLS ARE RESTING COMFORTABLY.  SUDDENLY, THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.  THE GIRLS YELP, AND JUMP OUT OF BED.  THEY REALIZE TOO LATE THAT THEY ARE IN AN UPPER BUNK.  THEY WIND UP HANGING FROM THE EDGE OF THE BUNK.

So then when a voice offstage says that it's their "complimentary snack," the blocking is different than it would be for filming:

THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND DROP TO THE FLOOR.  SHIRLEY PICKS UP A PILLOW.  LAVERNE PICKS UP A SHOE.  THE GIRLS GO TO THE DOOR, BRANDISHING THEIR WEAPONS.  THEY POSITION THEMSELVES BEHIND THE DOOR.  LAVERNE FLINGS IT OPEN, AS SHIRLEY LIFTS HER PILLOW TO STRIKE.  NOTHING IS THERE BUT THE TRAY.  THE GIRLS PEEK OUT THE DOOR, LOOKING DOWN THE HALL.

Onscreen, the girls do use those weapons.  However, the macaroons for some reason became Oreos.  Laverne's line about "monkey nerves" is I suspect Penny's addition.

They left out Shirley saying that they're "adventurers" and "swashbucklers."

In the script, rather than Shirley making "noise" during her choking charades, for "sounds like noise," and then Shirley acting out poise, it went like this:

SHIRLEY PICKS UP A BOOK, PUTS IT ON HER HEAD.  SHE WALKS POISED, CLUTCHING HER THROAT.

LAVERNE

Cocoa model?  Cocoa classy?  Cocoa puffs.  Cocoa poise?

SHIRLEY NODS.  MAKES STRETCHING SIGNS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Cocoa poise... on.  Poison!  Cocoa poison!  I got it.  You been poisoned.

The last scene of this script has the same setting, "minutes later."  They dropped the Porter's line, "Take it easy, lady.  My legs are old," but they added him lifting his cap and scratching his head, revealing his bald scalp.

Thoughts:

• I'm glad they didn't keep Laverne wanting to ditch Shirley to save her own life.  (Which probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.)
• I do miss the moose though.
• I like these moments of the girls' childhood rituals, like how to shoot for odds.
• What outfit would you want to be killed in on a train to Moose Jaw by a bald man?  I mean, pajamas seem as good as anything else.  At least they're comfy.
• I wish we could've seen the girls sharing the bunk, and not just for slashy reasons.  After all, they somehow sleep comfortably, despite their lives being in danger.
• It's probably as well that they skipped Shirley picking up a random book.
• The casting of Scatman Crothers was, as I said, already planned, and he had enough hair loss for that ending of the episode to seem obvious, but apparently not yet in this version.
• We can see the basics of Part One here, but obviously a lot would change in the next year, including some very suggestive lines.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scene D

We go to the "dining car - night":

THERE IS A BAR AT ONE END OF THE CAR.  THE PLACE IS BUSY.  THERE ARE A NUMBER OF BALD MEN IN THE CAR, SOME OF WHOM ARE WEARING HATS.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE AT THE BAR, HOLDING CALABASH PIPES.

The boys aren't actually at the bar, although they do have pipes.  Squiggy calls the bartender-waiter a "barhop" instead of the "barkeep" of the script.  Lenny's line is "Make mine neat.  The last one you gave me was running over the sides," which became "Yeah, you can hit me again with that rum Bosco.  And try and keep your thumbs out this time, okay?"  The bartender calling Squiggy "a repulsive little man" was added, as was Squiggy's reply "Oh yeah?  Well, so's my mother."

We lost this:

LENNY STRIKES A MATCH ON THE BAR, HOLDS IT TO HIS PIPE.  THEN HE FLICKS AWAY THE MATCH.  HE PUFFS ON THE PIPE, AND BUBBLES COME OUT.

LENNY

Good blend.

TWO ATTRACTIVE WOMEN SIT AT THE BAR.  SQUIGGY ELBOWS LENNY.

SQUIGGY

Len, it's time for us private eyes to eye some privates.

THEY RONNIE.  THE BOYS APPROACH THE WOMEN.

Onscreen, it's just one nameless attractive woman, played by Charlene Tilton.  In the script, her character is called "Irene."  Squiggy describes himself and Lenny as "a couple of dicks," which was cleaned up a bit by adding "private" before "dicks."

They skipped Lenny telling the women, "Yep, we've solved some pretty big cases.  Ever hear of the Hound of the Basketballs?" and Squiggy adding, "You shoulda seen that little mutt slam-dunk."

The girls having trouble getting past Irene in the doorway was not in the script.

Laverne in the script says that "the place is crawling with chrome domes," but that became "crawling with 'em."

They left out Laverne telling the boys, "Hey, am I glad to see you guys.  (TO SHIRLEY) Did I really say that?"  Shirley replied, "You're under a great deal of stress."  Lenny's leering reaction to a man coming into the girls' compartment seems to be a McKean touch.

Here's what was in the script after the boys exclaim, "A case!"

SQUIGGY

Lenny, did you do it?

LENNY

I don't think so.

SQUIGGY

Then maybe I did it.

LENNY

Brilliant.

LAVERNE

We know you didn't do it. The man was knifed, not driven insane.  Besides, before he died, he said --

LENNY

Don't tell me.  He said (MAKES SOUND OF MAN DYING)

SQUIGGY

Hold it, Len.  If you're innocent, how'd you know that!

SHIRLEY

Would you slam it shut?  He didn't say (DYING SOUNDS), he said....

And then she tells the boys the warning about "the Bald Man."  Onscreen, Squiggy says he has "the hives," but here's how it goes in the script:

SQUIGGY

I've got chills, Len.

LAVERNE

Look at all these baldies.

LENNY

Maybe the killer is a mad barber.

Onscreen, after Lenny asks for some clues, Laverne says the guy is dead.  The dialogue was a little longer in this version:

LENNY

Okay, but we need some clues.  Is the guy hard of hearing?

SQUIGGY

Does he walk with a limp?

SHIRLEY

The man is a stiff.  He can't hear and he can't walk.

SQUIGGY

Our first clue.  Len, watch out for a deaf guy on crutches.

In the filmed version, Laverne wants the boys to be careful, but in the earlier version, Shirley says, "Sometimes they're truly frightening."

In the script, the girls meet "Colonel Emerson T. Mustard," but for filming the colonel's name is "Emerson P. Kalaback."  (I get why they changed the possibly copyrighted "Mustard," but why the middle initial?)  When Shirley calls him bald, he in the written version says, "Only because I have no hair.  But some women find that attractive," which was improved to him saying he "also has a body that won't quit."  And in the script, he says, "I guess you don't," meaning the girls don't find him attractive, while onscreen he got a better line about not killing anyone since India.  (I mean funnier, although of course the line supports imperialism.)

They skipped Shirley saying that the man who "cried" in their compartment "staggered in weeping to beat the band."

And a little later, most of this was dropped:

WAITER

I see.  Well, I'm your waiter, Mr. Green.  Can I get you something to drink?

SHIRLEY

Yes, a very stiff ginger ale.

LAVERNE

And I'll have a double baldy... brandy.

THE WAITER REACTS AND MOVES OFF A FEW STEPS.  HE STOPS AND WATCHES THE GIRLS THROUGH THE REST OF THE SCENE.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, when did you start drinking?

LAVERNE

About three bald men ago.  I don't trust that waiter.  I don't trust anybody.

SHIRLEY

Look, all we have to do is stay alive until we get to the Canadian Border.  The train will stop and we'll get help from a friendly Mountie, and his trusty dog, King.

LAVERNE

Our luck they'll both be bald.

In the version that would air, there's a little time-skip and the girls are now seated at a table at the side of the room, rather than in the center.  Laverne says she doesn't trust anyone, and Shirley says she doesn't blame her.  In both versions, Shirley says that "Death rides these rails."  And the rest of Scene D is intact.

Some thoughts:

• The boys' opening dialogue is about equally good in both versions.
• I think you can see Lenny's bubble pipe onscreen, but it's definitely not played up.
• The "eying privates" line understandably did not make it onscreen, and even the "private dicks" change is still surprising to hear.
• I don't know why they didn't name Irene "Miss Peacock," since that seems so obvious.  Making it one woman rather than two is an improvement.
• The Sherlock Holmes joke about the "hound" is cute.
• It feels like they toned down the insults to bald men by air-date.  Was there some bald network executive who took offense?
• The girls insult the boys more in the written version, and I'm guessing Penny and/or Cindy objected.
• I do like the boys discussing whether they could've committed the murder themselves.
• "Hives" is funnier than "chills."
• Even the colonel's dialogue was improved.
• I don't get the line about Laverne not drinking, unless Shirley doesn't count beer.
• Was the Sgt. Preston of the Yukon reference also copyrighted?
• Overall, the aired version of the scene is better, but there's some interesting stuff that got omitted.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scene C

We're still in the girls' compartment, "minutes later."  The first half page was kept, but this was dropped after the Porter says of the absent man, "Tiny fella, ain't he?"

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY REACT TO EACH OTHER.  THE PORTER BENDS DOWN FOR A CLOSER LOOK.

PORTER (CONT'D)

(TO SHIRLEY) You see him laying here?

SHIRLEY

No, he's gone!  But you gotta believe us, he was here and he was dead.  Not only nearly dead, but really most sincerely dead.

LAVERNE ACTS OUT THE MAN'S DEATH.

LAVERNE

Yeah, he staggered in, went, (CHOKES) and did this.  (COLLAPSES)

THE PORTER APPLAUDS.

PORTER

Very good.  You got the gift.

LAVERNE

I don't think he believes us.

PORTER

I believe you.  I figure you gals left to get me, the dead guy said to himself, "Hey!  This is a lousy place to die.  Besides, I'm late for dinner..."  So he left.

SHIRLEY

(SHAKES HIM)  He was dead, he was dead, he was dead.

LAVERNE RESTRAINS SHIRLEEY.

LAVERNE

Shirl.  Maybe someone hid the body.  C'mon.

Then in both versions, the girls look for the body around the compartment.  This was left out of the Porter's speech about how he should've been a bus driver instead, "Nobody messes with them.  Porter's gotta be nice.  'Yes Sir.  Yes Maam [sic].'  A bus driver can be mean.  'Get your butt off my bus.' "

In the script, the dead man was wearing a blue suit rather than a gray suit.

They omitted this after Shirley points out that they didn't imagine the film cannister:

LAVERNE

So we're not nuts.  But that means somebody came in our room while we were gone.

SHIRLEY
Yeeeeecch.

LAVERNE

Picked up the dead body.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Yeeeech.

LAVERNE

Dragged it outa here, and searched it for the film.  And I'll bet that "somebody" is...

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Bald!

THE GIRLS CLUTCH THEIR HEADS.

Shirley trying to make Laverne eat the film was added, as was Mr. Ripper the Conductor making a deal that he won't kill them and they won't kill him.

A few thoughts:

• I appreciate the Wizard of Oz reference.
• It would've been fun to see Laverne act out the death, but oh well.
• They had obviously cast Scatman Crothers early and were writing to him.  I don't know if the censors would've let him say "butt," but I can clearly hear it in my head.
• "Yeeeeecch" has a MAD Magazine feel, which is neat.  
• All things considered, ten- or eleven-year-old me would've enjoyed this version of the scene even more.  (I would've been pretty damn shocked by Shirley's "sex" line in the previous scene of course.)

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scene B

We get a brand-new set, "girls' train compartment - evening."  By the time this hit the air about thirteen months later, both Laverne and Shirley would be charmed by their cozy compartment, and Shirley would remark that it must be germ-free, which was a Hello Cue.  However, that emphatically is not how it went in the draft:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER, AND LOOK AROUND.  LAVERNE'S EXCITED FACE FALLS A LITTLE WHEN SHE SEES THE COMPARTMENT.

SHIRLEY

Oh, look.  How cozy.

LAVERNE

Cozy?  Yeah, you could say cozy.  Me, I like the word closet.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Laverne.  In life, as in sex, size means nothing.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Hello.

Then we get the scene as filmed for awhile, except, one, the "old lady" in the script "swats Squiggy with her purse" rather than "her" umbrella, and two, she is named Miss Peacock.  Also, she reminds Squiggy of his "sainted mother," which was Landerized to "tainted mother" of course.

This bit was dropped:

SHIRLEY

Guys, when we were getting on the train, I heard a group of people mutter, "Who are the loons in the detective outfits...?"  What I wanna know is, why are the loons in the detective outfits?

LENNY

To get to the other side?

LENNY PLAYS WITH THE SWITCH AGAIN.  LAVERNE STOPS HIM.

SQUIGGY

Leonard and I came prepared....

Then he launches into the "mysteries on trains" bit.

In the script, Lenny says that he's "Lenny," which was improved to "Dr. Seuss" (instead of Watson) onscreen.

They omitted these lines as the boys are heading out:

SQUIGGY

Hey, Len.  The dining car has two of my favorite things.  Food and women.

LENNY

Hey, maybe we'll get lucky, and see a woman eating.

SQUIGGY

Ohh, a sight like that could curl a strong man's toes.

This little bit was left out, when Laverne is eager to "ride the Iron Horse right to Smut Mountain":

SHIRLEY

...But let's just put our things away first, okay?

LAVERNE

You got it.

SHIRLEY OPENS THE CLOSET DOOR, LAVERNE THROWS IN THEIR SUITCASES, SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Well, that's done.  Let's go.

Some dialogue was added before and during the girls trying to drink coffee, perhaps filler adlibs.  When someone knocks at the door again, Shirley in the script thinks it's "someone with complimentary donuts," which became a less funny "complimentary mop" onscreen.

Thoughts:

• Laverne likes the word "closet."
  
• OH MY GOODNESS!!!  There is no way they could've got that "sex" line on the air, especially said by virginal Shirley.  My guess is it was either a joke to crack up the cast, or a bargaining chip for some less outrageous line they wanted to get past the censors.
• And the implications re Squiggy, and maybe Lenny!
• "Miss Peacock" would be renamed "McGuffin" later, which is a cute pun but I'm Sorry that Parker Brothers apparently had a Monopoly on the Clue character names.
• An instance of Squiggy saying "Leonard."
• I like the "woman eating" exchange, but some of the other dialogue I don't care about.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scene A

On January 9, 1979, the same as the submission of the Revised Shooting Script for "Supermarket Sweep," and over a year before the first part of the train mystery aired, the Final Draft for "MMJE" came in.  I have already analyzed the Revised Shooting Script for Part Two (from January 22, 1980), and obviously this is an odd mashup, but here goes....

The first thing to discuss is the cast list: 

Note that Scatman's last name would be correctly spelled the following year.  But more amusing is the use of character names from Clue (Mr. Green, Col. Mustard, Mrs. Peacock), six years before Michael McKean would star in that cult movie.

For some reason, my copy of Part Two includes the revised version of Scene A, so I've got three different versions.  Comparing the scripts, the two Scenes A are remarkably similar, although for some reason, the word "pain" would later be capitalized in the boys' slogan.

In the draft, Laverne tells her father, "Pop, it ain't Easter," while in the later version we learn that it's the day before Easter.  Then neither line is in the filmed version, although they did keep Frank saying a little later that they'll be on the train during Easter.

"Supermarket Sweep," Scenes E and H

It's back to the girls' apartment, at an unspecified time.  All the business at the beginning, like with Laverne throwing Shirley's coat on the floor, is in the script, in detail.

This closes out the scene and the act, after the girls decide they'll have to take Dave/Gunther back to Phister's [sic again] Plaster Palace:

LAVERNE

Before we lug him back there, there's one thing I want to do.

LAVERNE GETS HAMMER AND CHISEL AND HEADS FOR DAVE.

SHIRLEY

You wouldn't.

THEY EXIT TO BEDROOM.

The tag is set in the same place, the "next day."  Onscreen, Shirley says they can't take the statue back to PPP, but in the script she says it's because of "the damage" Laverne did to him.  Then Laverne replies, "What damage?  I still got the fig leaf," and she "points to the bag."  And we can see a paper bag at the statue's feet.

Onscreen, the scene and episode end with Edna eagerly agreeing to take "Gunther."  Here's what was left out:

EDNA

Oh, please.  I got the perfect spot.  I'll get rid of my refrigerator.  The light burnt out anyway.

EDNA EXITS.

SHIRLEY

You know, Laverne, I'm gonna miss the big guy.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  But at least we got our memories.

SHE JIGGLES THE BAG.

My main thought is it seems like the censors stepped in twice.  I suspect an earlier draft made it clearer that Laverne wanted to chip off part of the statue's anatomy for (prudish people, avert your eyes while we go PG-13 here) a dildo.  Then the writers changed this to her keeping the "fig leaf."  But even that might've been too much for ABC in late '70s prime time, so that got stripped out of the aired episode.  (This is just my theory, unless I come across an earlier version of the script.)

Overall, this script is close to what aired, but we lost some naughtiness and other verbal humor.

"Supermarket Sweep," Scene D

It's back to Slotnik's supermarket, at night:

THE SUPERMARKET IS DECORATED.  A TIMER IS HANGING ON THE WALL.  A BANNER READING "FINISH LINE" IS HUNG OVER THE LAST CHECK-OUT COUNTER.  BEHIND THE FINISH LINE ARE EDNA, CARMINE, LENNY AND SQUIGGY.  THE BOYS HAVE A SIGN THAT READS, "DON'T FORGET THE BOSCO."  SOME EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS ARE ALSO THERE TO WATCH.

They didn't bother with the crowd onscreen though, just the girls' friends.  In the script, Squiggy says, "Let Frank cut his own cheese."  This has been dubbed over so that he says "grow" rather than "cut," although we can see Edna react to "cut."

The timer was set for five minutes and Squiggy wanted it to be six, which was shortened to three and four respectively for filming.  This was omitted:

EDNA

(JUMPING UP AND DOWN) She's got the cheese!

LENNY CALMS HER DOWN.

LENNY

Calm down, Mrs. B., you'll die.  They still got a long road to hoe.

ANGLE ON AISLE

GIRLS GO DOWN AISLE TWO AND GET THE TOILET PAPER.

SHIRLEY

Make sure they're two-ply.

ANGLE ON CARMINE

CARMINE

Keep it on top.  Don't dent it.  (ASIDE TO SQUIGGY) Doesn't fit on the roller right.

ANGLE ON AISLE

GIRLS START UP AISLE THREE JUST FAR ENOUGH TO GET A BOTTLE OF BOSCO AND THEN BACK OUT.

ANGLE ON LENNY AND SQUIGGY

SQUIGGY

Just one Bosco?!  She's mad!

LENNY

Well, at least we're on the scoreboard.

ANGLE ON AISLE

SHIRLEY SWINGS THE CART TOWARD THE MEAT SECTION.  SHE BACKS UP AISLE FOUR.  LAVERNE GRABS A CHUCK ROAST AND T-BONE STEAK AND HOLDS THEM UP.

ANGLE ON CARMINE AND EDNA

CARMINE

Perfect.

EDNA

Looks a little fatty.

ANGLE ON AISLE

SHIRLEY STARTS PUSHING CART BACK TO STARTING LINE.

LAVERNE

Well, that takes care of all the paying customers.  Now, let's take Slotnik to the cleaners.

There seem to be a lot fewer aisles on the set than the script called for, which is understandable.

The girls in the script get beans, which seems to be left out.  Squiggy's "Bosco meatballs" sounds like an ad-lib.  On the other hand, we lost this exchange:

SQUIGGY

Go for the Bosco.  Meat is bad for you.  It will make you can't have babies.  [Yes, with that phrasing.]

LENNY

You'll never be barren with Bosco.

In the script, the girls have a knapsack, but maybe that was too much for filming.

They skipped Laverne's line about the cart, "It ain't moving, Shirl.  Call the Auto Club."

A few thoughts:

• The censors obviously went to work on this Revised Shooting Script, with the cheese-cutting and the "barren" dialogue with the boys.
• In fact, the boys' dialogue about Bosco would all get condensed to a simple, repeated "More Bosco!"
• Carmine and Edna get more dialogue in this version as well.
• Overall, the filmed version has more emphasis on physical humor than this version, at the cost of dropping some verbal humor.

"Supermarket Sweep," Scene C

It's the girls' apartment again, this time at night:

LAVERNE IS ADJUSTING A BLANKET THAT COVERS A LARGE STATUE.

For some reason, "Pfister" is spelled "Phister."

After Shirley says that she and Laverne are "a finely-tuned shopping machine," the girls in the script demonstrate their teamwork:

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE) Mozarella [sic] cheese.

LAVERNE

(RAPID FIRE) Dairy section, south wall, lower shelf.

SHIRLEY

Carmine's toilet paper.

LAVERNE

Aisle one-B, top shelf, yellow-double-ply extra soft.

SHIRLEY

Lenny and Squiggy's Bosco.

LAVERNE

Aisle two-A, top shelf, pump bottle if they got 'em.

SHIRLEY

We are so ready, I'm almost tempted to do this blindfolded.

EDNA

Let me try one.  Chuck roast.

LAVERNE

That's easy.  The meat section.

EDNA

You're right.  Pick one up for me.  Nicely marbled, not too fatty.

SHIRLEY

You got it.  And after that, we're free to stock up on our own favorite foods.

Then they dropped the last page, after Shirley says they can get everything if they remain calm:

THE GIRLS START TOWARD STATUE.

EDNA

Do your best, I've gotta go.

LAVERNE

Be sure to come early if you want a good seat.

EDNA

Don't forget my chuck roast.   (LOOKS TO GUNTHER) Mmmm, make that a rump roast.

EDNA EXITS.

SHIRLEY

She's so romantic.

LAVERNE

Boy, I can't wait.  We're gonna empty those shelves.

SHIRLEY
And burn up those aisles.

LAVERNE

And tear that place apart.

SHIRLEY

And grab, grab, grab... but always as ladies.

THEY CURTSEY WITH STATUE.

A few thoughts:

• The rapid-fire drill is cute but I can see why it was cut for time.
• I like that the statue is sometimes referred to as "Gunther" in the stage directions (after Mrs. B's first ski instructor, if you'll recall).
• "Rump roast," you naughty landlady!
• Shirley somehow sees this as romantic.
• Even as an anarchist, Shirley remains a lady.

"Supermarket Sweep," Scenes A and B

On January 9, 1979, only four weeks before "Supermarket Sweep" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script came in.  Let's see what got chopped and changed.

As on the air, we start at "Slotnik's Supermarket - day":

THE PLACE IS FAIRLY BUSY.  SHIRLEY IS PUSHING A SHOPPING CART ABOUT HALF FULL OF GROCERIES.  LAVERNE TAKES A BOX OF CEREAL OFF THE SHELF AND PLACES IT IN THEIR CART.  SHIRLEY DOES THE SAME.

They added Laverne's line about wanting to make spaghetti for her father when he comes back from a convention, perhaps to explain Frank's absence.  (He's not in this version of the script either.)  They also added the small talk between Laverne and Mr. Slotnik, a nice touch.  Other than that, the filmed version is faithful to this scene in the script.

The next scene is at the girls' apartment, still day:

SHIRLEY IS ON THE COUCH, ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.  CARMINE SITS BESIDE HER, WITH BOO BOO KITTY BETWEEN THEM.  SHIRLEY IS PETTING BOO BOOK KITTY'S HEAD AND CARMINE IS PETTING SHIRLEY'S HEAD.

After Shirley reels off a bunch of synonyms for "nothing," this was dropped:

LAVERNE

Enough.  Alright, I'm sorry.  I'll split the food with you.

SHIRLEY

I don't want the food.

LAVERNE

Then what is it?

SHIRLEY

I wanna help in the shopping spree.  I want the excitement of racing against the clock.  Running down the aisles with the wind muffling my hair and my face all aglow.

LAVERNE

It's a little late, Shirl.  You shoulda said something at the store.

SHIRLEY

I tried.  But while you were having your picture taken, I almost got arrested for shoplifting 'cause I went for your Scooter Pies.

The filmed scene picks up again as Laverne says she feels like dirt.  Both versions end the scene and the act with Shirley's whining literally giving Laverne a pain in the neck.

A couple thoughts:

• I don't think wind "muffles" hair.  Ruffles maybe.
• This first act is remarkably faithful, as these scripts go.  Even what was cut doesn't really add much, to the exposition or the humor.

"Lenny's Crush," Scenes D and E

We return to the "girls' apartment - a short time later."  Shirley saying she had to "mop up" Ned Stearns was added, as was Laverne getting out milk and Pepsi but not drinking them.  Laverne calling Lenny a "big dope" was not in the script.

There's an amusing typo, "In Foho scope," with an F.  In the script, it's Rodan rather than Mothra that "makes a rare cameo appearance."

In the script, Laverne tells Lenny, "Forget it, Len," after he points out they have a lot in common, while onscreen it's a gently scolding, "Lenny."  Also, onscreen Lenny actually goes out the door with her coat and then laughs when he returns, while in the script he "turns around and smiles."  They were supposed to "shake hands and he pushes her out," but onscreen he pulls her by the hand after they shake.

The tag is also at the girls' apartment, the "next evening."  Lenny's date is described as "a reasonably goodlooking girl," emphasis in the original.  She does not have a name, unlike onscreen, where Lenny calls her Bridget.

The filmed scene seems to end with Shirley scolding Laverne, but you can see Squiggy fluffing pillows.  So here's the last page of the script:

SQUIGGY STARTS FLUFFING PILLOWS.

LAVERNE

What are you doing?

SQUIGGY

I'm spending the night.  You let Lenny stay when he got lucky.  Now I got lucky.  It's only fair.

SHIRLEY

No.  He'll get hair on our slip covers.  He sheds.

LAVERNE

Let him stay, Shirl.  I don't want him to go into his phony begging act when his lip quivers -- Oh, there it goes.

SHIRLEY

All right.  But you had better be out of here before sunup.

LAVERNE

I'll get you a blanket.

LAVERNE EXITS AND SHIRLEY IS ABOUT TO FOLLOW.

SQUIGGY

Hey, wait a minute.  You forgot something.  When Lenny stayed, he got to make out with Laverne.  Now get over here Shirl and pucker up.

SQUIGGY GRABS SHIRLEY, THEY WRESTLE AND SHIRLEY KNOCKS SQUIGGY TO THE FLOOR.  SHE EXITS TO BATHROOM.  LAVERNE ENTERS.

LAVERNE

(THROWING BLANKET ON SQUIGGY) Wherever you're the most comfortable.

Thoughts:

• The changes in Scene D may somewhat impact how we view L&L, but less than earlier scenes.
• "Reasonably" feels harsh, but, well, accurate.  Lenny's date isn't gorgeous but she looks OK.
• Is Squiggy obtuse about what really happened between L&L?  And does he honestly think he has a chance with Shirley that night?
• It's a change from HN1, Laverne being the one more willing to have Squiggy sleep over.
• I don't like the grab & wrestle, but at least Shirley fights him off.  And, this show being this show, she doesn't kick him out but just leaves the room.
• I do like the "sheds" line.

"Lenny's Crush," Scene C

We start Act Two with an exterior of  a "baseball stadium - day (stock shot)."  And "a crowd is in the bleachers.  Optical zoom on a section of the bleachers."

What we get onscreen is first a stadium parking lot with some very '70s-looking cars, and then a maybe '60s clip of a ball game, before we arrive in the bleachers.  Shirley in voiceover asks where Laverne has been.  But there was a heck of a lot left out of the script before that point.  We dissolve to this:

CONTINUE ZOOM TO WHERE EVERYBODY IS SEATED ON BLEACHER STYLE SEATS.  SHIRLEY IS TWO SEATS FROM THE END OF THE ROW, LEAVING ROOM FOR LAVERNE AND LENNY, WHO ARE LATE.  SQUIGGY IS SEATED TO HER RIGHT.  HE IS WEARING A PIRATE HAT, EYE PATCH AND A TOY SWORD AT HIS BELT, AND IS LOOKING THROUGH A SPY GLASS.  FRANK IS SEATED TO HIS RIGHT, WITH A BASEBALL GLOVE.  THE PEOPLE IN THE SHOTZ SECTION HAVE CARDS IN THEIR LAPS.  SHIRLEY TURNS IN HER SEAT, FACES THE SHOTZ GROUP AND BLOWS HER WHISTLE.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And a tip 'o [sic] the Braves cap to the Shotz Brewery workers who are here to day to cheer the team on.

SHIRLEY

All right, does everybody have their cards ready?

THEY NOD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Mr. DeFazio, may I please see your card?

FRANK HOLDS UP THE BACKSIDE OF THE CARD.

FRANK

I don't know why we're holding up cards at a baseball game.

SHIRLEY

Mr. Shotz and I are starting a new tradition.  Enjoy it.  The other side.  Come on.

FRANK RELUCTANTLY TURNS THE CARD OVER.  IT READS "EAT AT THE PIZZA BOWL."

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Eat at the Pizza Bowl?  Where's your team spirit?

FRANK

In my wallet.  I don't work at your crummy brewery.

SHIRLEY
I'm so glad we brought you.  But don't look for a free ticket next time.  (CALLS DOWN TO CARMINE) Carmine, stop talking to that floozie and tell me how the signs look.  (TO GROUP) Okay, everybody, let's show 'em what Shotz is made of.  Number One!

THEY HOLD UP CARDS WHICH READ SHOTZ BEER IS GOO.  SHIRLEY IS HOLDING THE FINAL "O."  CARMINE RUNS UP TO SHIRLEY.

CARMINE

Shirl, you'd better put those down.

SHIRLEY

(HOLDING CARD OVER HER HEAD) Carmine, you know I'm very fond of you but your fat head is blocking everyone's view.

CARMINE

You ought to thank me 'cause you're spelling out 'Shotz beer is goo.'

SQUIGGY

(LAUGHING) Goo.

SHIRLEY HITS SQUIGGY WITH HER CARD.

SHIRLEY

No, that's 'Shotz beer is good.'  Good with a d.

CARMINE

It may be good to you, but to fifteen thousand people it's goo.

SHIRLEY

That's impossible.  Mr. DeFazio has the 'g,' Squiggy the first 'o,' I have the second 'o,' and Laverne has the... (SCREAMS) Where's Laverne?

CARMINE

She and Lenny ain't here yet.

SHIRLEY

I'll kill her.  She begged for that D because it stood for DeFazio.  I should have given her an O.  At least it would have spelled out, 'Shotz beer is God.'  (WHISTLE) Cards down everybody.

FRANK

Relax.  Don't get so excited.  Maybe nobody noticed.

SHIRLEY

Yes, you're right.  Maybe nobody noticed.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Will Miss Shirley Feeney please report to Max Shotz's private box.

SQUIGGY

She's right here.

SHIRLEY

Oh, my Lord.  He's gonna kill me.  I'm responsible for publicly calling Shotz beer goo in front of fifteen thousand potentially thirsty people.  Coming, Mr. Shotz.

SHIRLEY EXITS.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Leading off for the Pittsburgh Pirates, center fielder Bill Virdon.

SQUIGGY

All right.  I'll lead the Pirate cheer.  Gimme a 'Pi.'  Gimme a 'rot.'  What does it spell?

CARMINE

You're a jerk!

SQUIGGY

No, it spells 'Pirot.'  This is my tribute to the Pittsburgh Pirates.

FRANK

(ROLLS) You live in Milwaukee.  You should root for the Braves, ya traitor.

SQUIGGY

I'm a Pirate fan 'cause I like what they stand for.  They're Pirates.  They pillage, they plunder, they impale little children.  That's what our national pastime is all about.  (YELLS TO FIELD) Pitcher's got a rubber duck!

WE HEAR A LOUD CRACK OF THE BAT.  CROWD REACTS.  SQUIGGY LOOKS THROUGH HIS TELESCOPE.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

It's going, it's going, it's going.  It's a pigeon.

LAVERNE ENTERS.  LENNY IS LITERALLY WALKING ON HER HEELS.  HE IS DRESSED FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.  SHE IS WEARING JEANS, A SWEATSHIRT AND A CORSAGE.

LAVERNE

Len, only one of us can fit in my shoes, so back off.

LENNY

Yes, m'love.

SQUIGGY

Hey, Dickiebird.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Batting second for Pittsburgh, the shortstop, Dick Groat.

LENNY

(TO CROWD) Ain't she a vision?  (HOLDS OUT BENCH) Here you go.

LAVERNE

Thanks.

LENNY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND LAVERNE.  THERE'S A LOUD CRACK OF THE BAT.  THE CROWD REACTS, EXCEPT FOR LENNY, WHO CONTINUES TO STARE AT LAVERNE.

SQUIGGY

Go, Dick, go!  See Dick run!  Run, Dick, run!

FRANK TAKES A HOT DOG AND PUTS IT IN SQUIGGY'S MOUTH.

FRANK

Eat, Squiggy, eat!

THE CROWD SETTLES AND LAVERNE TAKES LENNY'S ARM OFF HER SHOULDER.

LENNY

I'm gonna go get you a souvenir.  Wait here, I'll get you something.

LAVERNE

Oh Len, you really don't have to.

LENNY RACES UP THE AISLE TO THE SOUVENIR VENDOR.

LAVERNE

Hi, Pop.  How's the game?

FRANK

Stinks.  Shirley wouldn't let me use my sign.

CARMINE

Hey, Mr. DeFazio, let's go down and get a beer.

FRANK

There's a beer guy right up there.

CARMINE

But the one down there is near the men's room.

CARMINE AND FRANK EXIT.

LAVERNE

Squig, where's Shirl?

SQUIGGY

Simple.  You were late with the D, she spelled goo, and now she's in the Shotz box.

LAVERNE

Thanks, Squig.  That's what I thought.

LENNY DRAGS THE VENDOR DOWN TO LAVERNE AND PUTS A HAT ON LAVERNE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Gee, thanks a lot, Len.  You really don't have to.

LENNY

(PUTTING ANOTHER HAT ON TOP OF HAT) Here's a little something to keep the sun off your hat.

LAVERNE

Thanks.

LENNY

Here, my dear.  (HANDS HER A PENNANT)   Something to wiggle in the air.

LAVERNE

Oh, Len, real felt.

LENNY SLIPS A SEAT CUSHION UNDER LAVERNE

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Thanks, Len.  First time I got a cushion that didn't whoopee.

LENNY

I love that!

SQUIGGY

Say Len, I'm sure she'd like one of them squeaky bats.

LENNY

Comin' right up.

LENNY GIVES LAVERNE A LARGE INFLATABLE BAT.

SQUIGGY

It's yours now, but later I got a date with a big baseball fan.

SHIRLEY ENTERS.

SHIRLEY

Well, well, well, it's the missing D.  Do you realize that because of you I was publicly humiliated by Mr. Shotz?  He took the little ball out of my whistle.  (SHE BLOWS WHISTLE AND NO SOUND IS HEARD)  Now what am I gonna do with this?

LAVERNE

You can call dogs.

SHIRLEY

I'm not amused, Laverne.

Those nine pages did not make it in, other than some costumes that don't quite match the wardrobe notes I shared earlier.  Onscreen, after Shirley asks where Laverne has been, Laverne gives the next line in the script, about Lenny wanting to find a corsage to match her sweatshirt.  Laverne is already holding the bat and pennant, so viewers could assume Lenny bought them for her.  (And she does seem to be wearing two hats.)

Rusty is described in the script as "a tough looking guy."  Lenny was supposed to be holding two hot dogs, presumably one for himself, rather than the one we see onscreen for his beloved.  Rusty calling Lenny "Leonard" was added.

Onscreen, Lenny uses the hotdog like a glove, slapping Rusty after he challenges him to a duel, then Rusty punches him in the stomach.  Here's how it went in the script:

LENNY THROWS A PUNCH, HOT DOGS STILL IN HIS HANDS.  RUSTY BLOCKS IT, TAKES A PUNCH TO LENNY'S HEAD, LENNY DODGES IT AND RUSTY PUNCHES LENNY IN THE STOMACH.  LENNY DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN.

They left out Laverne telling Rusty, "Sure, hit an unarmed man."  Shirley saying, "I knew this would happen" came after Rusty's exit rather than closing out the scene.

In the script, Squiggy calls it their "first lover's quabble" rather than "squabble."  His eating the hot dog as he exits was added.

Many, many thoughts:

• All that with Shirley and the cards and everything is too wordy but it would've been nice if at least some of it had made it in.  For one thing, Carmine and Frank don't get to do much in the aired episode (especially not with the opening song chopped out of the DVD version).
• The announcer obviously has more to do, too.
• As in "The Quiz Show," Frank hopes to promote his business on TV.
• I want to say the cards were more Shirley's idea than Mr. Shotz's.
• "Shotz beer is goo."  I like it.  That slogan could've won a trip to Moosejaw.
• I assume that the "floozie" was also the "buxom blond" mentioned on the list of extras.
• Forgive me, but I laughed at the "fat head" line.
• Squiggy sure is quick to sell out Shirley to Mr. Shotz.
• His cheer and thoughts on the Pirates, oh my!  I wonder what Pirates fan Lander thought of all that.
• And there's definitely a lot more about the game itself, which I'm sure would've pleased '70s viewers who remembered early '60s baseball but does nothing for someone as sportsball-ignorant as I.
• They definitely toned down Lenny's doting/obsession for the aired episode, which probably affects how we see his crush, and her reaction to it.
• He is over the top, but I wish I'd got to hear him call her "m'love" and put his arm around her.  (And she's not exactly in a hurry to remove said arm.)
• Ha, Squiggy's Dick & Jane reference, nice.
• And Frank putting a hot dog in Squiggy's mouth!
• The set-up for Frank and Carmine to leave is awkward but I guess necessary.  Onscreen, they're not even part of this scene, despite the beginning of Scene A.
• I'm amused that Lenny actually drags the vendor, presumably laden down with souvenirs, over to Laverne, rather than just buying stuff and carrying it back to her.
• I like the double-hatting, a neat symbol of his overdoing his protection.
• "Something to wiggle in the air," ha!
• I love that "whoopee" line, too, Len.  Also, um, how does he slip the cushion under her?
• Squiggy has ulterior motives about one gift.
• Poor Shirley and her whistle, she meant well.
• The hot-dog slap is better than Lenny trying to punch Rusty first.
• The filmed scene is more focused but there are definitely some charming and funny things that got left out.

"Lenny's Crush," Scene B

We're still at the girls' apartment, now the next morning.  Lenny was supposed to be not just strumming his guitar but "sipping a glass of milk."  I don't know how he would do both at once, but we do see a cup on the coffee table.

Shirley was supposed to immediately cover herself with a pot and a potholder at first, and then a blanket from the couch.  Instead onscreen, she hides behind the half-wall between the kitchen and living room, and eventually covers herself with a dish towel.  (She waits until she says no man has ever had a good time before she goes and gets the blanket onscreen.)

In the script, after Lenny says he and Laverne are "kind of a hot item now," he adds "It's love."  And for some reason, in the script it's "your runway" (as in Shirley's) rather than "the runway."

Onscreen, Squiggy is definitely irritated when he "walks through the door" like love, but script-Squiggy is a different animal:

Onscreen he was "a worried stiff" about the chemical treatment.

The "Cupid's arrow" part was added.  And onscreen Squiggy says it's terrific, while in the script Squiggy is more lukewarm with "so probable."  Squiggy having a cold was another improvement onscreen.

In the script, Laverne is merely bleeding, not "bleeding to death."  Also, in the script, Shirley says, "You're the boom-boom, Laverne," for kissing Lenny.

In the script, we learn even more of the backstory to Ned Stearns, and an explanation for why he wanted to carry Shirley's ballet slippers:

SHIRLEY

Ned was a guy who had a crush on me.  We met when I was studying interpretive dance.  He loved my weeping willow.  (PLAYS A WEEPING WILLOW)

LAVERNE

Oh yeah.  Wasn't he the kid they said was half wolf?

SHIRLEY

That was Red Derns.

LAVERNE

Red Derns.

In case you're curious, the song is intact in the script, but I assume Michael McKean had already submitted it by this phase of the writing process.

A few thoughts:

• Lenny doesn't say "in love" or equivalent onscreen nearly as early as in the script, but on the other hand he does tell Squiggy about Cupid's arrow.
• This Squiggy definitely got laid, suggesting that onscreen Squiggy's anger might've been motivated in part by sexual frustration.  I like both versions.
• OK, now I'm imagining Shirley playing a Weeping Willow at the Buttered Cocoon as the Art Garfunkel character is the Mighty Oak.
• And yet another interesting acquaintance of the girls' we'll never meet, Red Derns, the demi-wolf.