"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scene D

We go to the "dining car - night":

THERE IS A BAR AT ONE END OF THE CAR.  THE PLACE IS BUSY.  THERE ARE A NUMBER OF BALD MEN IN THE CAR, SOME OF WHOM ARE WEARING HATS.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE AT THE BAR, HOLDING CALABASH PIPES.

The boys aren't actually at the bar, although they do have pipes.  Squiggy calls the bartender-waiter a "barhop" instead of the "barkeep" of the script.  Lenny's line is "Make mine neat.  The last one you gave me was running over the sides," which became "Yeah, you can hit me again with that rum Bosco.  And try and keep your thumbs out this time, okay?"  The bartender calling Squiggy "a repulsive little man" was added, as was Squiggy's reply "Oh yeah?  Well, so's my mother."

We lost this:

LENNY STRIKES A MATCH ON THE BAR, HOLDS IT TO HIS PIPE.  THEN HE FLICKS AWAY THE MATCH.  HE PUFFS ON THE PIPE, AND BUBBLES COME OUT.

LENNY

Good blend.

TWO ATTRACTIVE WOMEN SIT AT THE BAR.  SQUIGGY ELBOWS LENNY.

SQUIGGY

Len, it's time for us private eyes to eye some privates.

THEY RONNIE.  THE BOYS APPROACH THE WOMEN.

Onscreen, it's just one nameless attractive woman, played by Charlene Tilton.  In the script, her character is called "Irene."  Squiggy describes himself and Lenny as "a couple of dicks," which was cleaned up a bit by adding "private" before "dicks."

They skipped Lenny telling the women, "Yep, we've solved some pretty big cases.  Ever hear of the Hound of the Basketballs?" and Squiggy adding, "You shoulda seen that little mutt slam-dunk."

The girls having trouble getting past Irene in the doorway was not in the script.

Laverne in the script says that "the place is crawling with chrome domes," but that became "crawling with 'em."

They left out Laverne telling the boys, "Hey, am I glad to see you guys.  (TO SHIRLEY) Did I really say that?"  Shirley replied, "You're under a great deal of stress."  Lenny's leering reaction to a man coming into the girls' compartment seems to be a McKean touch.

Here's what was in the script after the boys exclaim, "A case!"

SQUIGGY

Lenny, did you do it?

LENNY

I don't think so.

SQUIGGY

Then maybe I did it.

LENNY

Brilliant.

LAVERNE

We know you didn't do it. The man was knifed, not driven insane.  Besides, before he died, he said --

LENNY

Don't tell me.  He said (MAKES SOUND OF MAN DYING)

SQUIGGY

Hold it, Len.  If you're innocent, how'd you know that!

SHIRLEY

Would you slam it shut?  He didn't say (DYING SOUNDS), he said....

And then she tells the boys the warning about "the Bald Man."  Onscreen, Squiggy says he has "the hives," but here's how it goes in the script:

SQUIGGY

I've got chills, Len.

LAVERNE

Look at all these baldies.

LENNY

Maybe the killer is a mad barber.

Onscreen, after Lenny asks for some clues, Laverne says the guy is dead.  The dialogue was a little longer in this version:

LENNY

Okay, but we need some clues.  Is the guy hard of hearing?

SQUIGGY

Does he walk with a limp?

SHIRLEY

The man is a stiff.  He can't hear and he can't walk.

SQUIGGY

Our first clue.  Len, watch out for a deaf guy on crutches.

In the filmed version, Laverne wants the boys to be careful, but in the earlier version, Shirley says, "Sometimes they're truly frightening."

In the script, the girls meet "Colonel Emerson T. Mustard," but for filming the colonel's name is "Emerson P. Kalaback."  (I get why they changed the possibly copyrighted "Mustard," but why the middle initial?)  When Shirley calls him bald, he in the written version says, "Only because I have no hair.  But some women find that attractive," which was improved to him saying he "also has a body that won't quit."  And in the script, he says, "I guess you don't," meaning the girls don't find him attractive, while onscreen he got a better line about not killing anyone since India.  (I mean funnier, although of course the line supports imperialism.)

They skipped Shirley saying that the man who "cried" in their compartment "staggered in weeping to beat the band."

And a little later, most of this was dropped:

WAITER

I see.  Well, I'm your waiter, Mr. Green.  Can I get you something to drink?

SHIRLEY

Yes, a very stiff ginger ale.

LAVERNE

And I'll have a double baldy... brandy.

THE WAITER REACTS AND MOVES OFF A FEW STEPS.  HE STOPS AND WATCHES THE GIRLS THROUGH THE REST OF THE SCENE.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, when did you start drinking?

LAVERNE

About three bald men ago.  I don't trust that waiter.  I don't trust anybody.

SHIRLEY

Look, all we have to do is stay alive until we get to the Canadian Border.  The train will stop and we'll get help from a friendly Mountie, and his trusty dog, King.

LAVERNE

Our luck they'll both be bald.

In the version that would air, there's a little time-skip and the girls are now seated at a table at the side of the room, rather than in the center.  Laverne says she doesn't trust anyone, and Shirley says she doesn't blame her.  In both versions, Shirley says that "Death rides these rails."  And the rest of Scene D is intact.

Some thoughts:

• The boys' opening dialogue is about equally good in both versions.
• I think you can see Lenny's bubble pipe onscreen, but it's definitely not played up.
• The "eying privates" line understandably did not make it onscreen, and even the "private dicks" change is still surprising to hear.
• I don't know why they didn't name Irene "Miss Peacock," since that seems so obvious.  Making it one woman rather than two is an improvement.
• The Sherlock Holmes joke about the "hound" is cute.
• It feels like they toned down the insults to bald men by air-date.  Was there some bald network executive who took offense?
• The girls insult the boys more in the written version, and I'm guessing Penny and/or Cindy objected.
• I do like the boys discussing whether they could've committed the murder themselves.
• "Hives" is funnier than "chills."
• Even the colonel's dialogue was improved.
• I don't get the line about Laverne not drinking, unless Shirley doesn't count beer.
• Was the Sgt. Preston of the Yukon reference also copyrighted?
• Overall, the aired version of the scene is better, but there's some interesting stuff that got omitted.