"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scene C

We're still in the girls' compartment, "minutes later."  The first half page was kept, but this was dropped after the Porter says of the absent man, "Tiny fella, ain't he?"

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY REACT TO EACH OTHER.  THE PORTER BENDS DOWN FOR A CLOSER LOOK.

PORTER (CONT'D)

(TO SHIRLEY) You see him laying here?

SHIRLEY

No, he's gone!  But you gotta believe us, he was here and he was dead.  Not only nearly dead, but really most sincerely dead.

LAVERNE ACTS OUT THE MAN'S DEATH.

LAVERNE

Yeah, he staggered in, went, (CHOKES) and did this.  (COLLAPSES)

THE PORTER APPLAUDS.

PORTER

Very good.  You got the gift.

LAVERNE

I don't think he believes us.

PORTER

I believe you.  I figure you gals left to get me, the dead guy said to himself, "Hey!  This is a lousy place to die.  Besides, I'm late for dinner..."  So he left.

SHIRLEY

(SHAKES HIM)  He was dead, he was dead, he was dead.

LAVERNE RESTRAINS SHIRLEEY.

LAVERNE

Shirl.  Maybe someone hid the body.  C'mon.

Then in both versions, the girls look for the body around the compartment.  This was left out of the Porter's speech about how he should've been a bus driver instead, "Nobody messes with them.  Porter's gotta be nice.  'Yes Sir.  Yes Maam [sic].'  A bus driver can be mean.  'Get your butt off my bus.' "

In the script, the dead man was wearing a blue suit rather than a gray suit.

They omitted this after Shirley points out that they didn't imagine the film cannister:

LAVERNE

So we're not nuts.  But that means somebody came in our room while we were gone.

SHIRLEY
Yeeeeecch.

LAVERNE

Picked up the dead body.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Yeeeech.

LAVERNE

Dragged it outa here, and searched it for the film.  And I'll bet that "somebody" is...

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Bald!

THE GIRLS CLUTCH THEIR HEADS.

Shirley trying to make Laverne eat the film was added, as was Mr. Ripper the Conductor making a deal that he won't kill them and they won't kill him.

A few thoughts:

• I appreciate the Wizard of Oz reference.
• It would've been fun to see Laverne act out the death, but oh well.
• They had obviously cast Scatman Crothers early and were writing to him.  I don't know if the censors would've let him say "butt," but I can clearly hear it in my head.
• "Yeeeeecch" has a MAD Magazine feel, which is neat.  
• All things considered, ten- or eleven-year-old me would've enjoyed this version of the scene even more.  (I would've been pretty damn shocked by Shirley's "sex" line in the previous scene of course.)