"Lenny's Crush," Scene C

We start Act Two with an exterior of  a "baseball stadium - day (stock shot)."  And "a crowd is in the bleachers.  Optical zoom on a section of the bleachers."

What we get onscreen is first a stadium parking lot with some very '70s-looking cars, and then a maybe '60s clip of a ball game, before we arrive in the bleachers.  Shirley in voiceover asks where Laverne has been.  But there was a heck of a lot left out of the script before that point.  We dissolve to this:

CONTINUE ZOOM TO WHERE EVERYBODY IS SEATED ON BLEACHER STYLE SEATS.  SHIRLEY IS TWO SEATS FROM THE END OF THE ROW, LEAVING ROOM FOR LAVERNE AND LENNY, WHO ARE LATE.  SQUIGGY IS SEATED TO HER RIGHT.  HE IS WEARING A PIRATE HAT, EYE PATCH AND A TOY SWORD AT HIS BELT, AND IS LOOKING THROUGH A SPY GLASS.  FRANK IS SEATED TO HIS RIGHT, WITH A BASEBALL GLOVE.  THE PEOPLE IN THE SHOTZ SECTION HAVE CARDS IN THEIR LAPS.  SHIRLEY TURNS IN HER SEAT, FACES THE SHOTZ GROUP AND BLOWS HER WHISTLE.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And a tip 'o [sic] the Braves cap to the Shotz Brewery workers who are here to day to cheer the team on.

SHIRLEY

All right, does everybody have their cards ready?

THEY NOD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Mr. DeFazio, may I please see your card?

FRANK HOLDS UP THE BACKSIDE OF THE CARD.

FRANK

I don't know why we're holding up cards at a baseball game.

SHIRLEY

Mr. Shotz and I are starting a new tradition.  Enjoy it.  The other side.  Come on.

FRANK RELUCTANTLY TURNS THE CARD OVER.  IT READS "EAT AT THE PIZZA BOWL."

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Eat at the Pizza Bowl?  Where's your team spirit?

FRANK

In my wallet.  I don't work at your crummy brewery.

SHIRLEY
I'm so glad we brought you.  But don't look for a free ticket next time.  (CALLS DOWN TO CARMINE) Carmine, stop talking to that floozie and tell me how the signs look.  (TO GROUP) Okay, everybody, let's show 'em what Shotz is made of.  Number One!

THEY HOLD UP CARDS WHICH READ SHOTZ BEER IS GOO.  SHIRLEY IS HOLDING THE FINAL "O."  CARMINE RUNS UP TO SHIRLEY.

CARMINE

Shirl, you'd better put those down.

SHIRLEY

(HOLDING CARD OVER HER HEAD) Carmine, you know I'm very fond of you but your fat head is blocking everyone's view.

CARMINE

You ought to thank me 'cause you're spelling out 'Shotz beer is goo.'

SQUIGGY

(LAUGHING) Goo.

SHIRLEY HITS SQUIGGY WITH HER CARD.

SHIRLEY

No, that's 'Shotz beer is good.'  Good with a d.

CARMINE

It may be good to you, but to fifteen thousand people it's goo.

SHIRLEY

That's impossible.  Mr. DeFazio has the 'g,' Squiggy the first 'o,' I have the second 'o,' and Laverne has the... (SCREAMS) Where's Laverne?

CARMINE

She and Lenny ain't here yet.

SHIRLEY

I'll kill her.  She begged for that D because it stood for DeFazio.  I should have given her an O.  At least it would have spelled out, 'Shotz beer is God.'  (WHISTLE) Cards down everybody.

FRANK

Relax.  Don't get so excited.  Maybe nobody noticed.

SHIRLEY

Yes, you're right.  Maybe nobody noticed.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Will Miss Shirley Feeney please report to Max Shotz's private box.

SQUIGGY

She's right here.

SHIRLEY

Oh, my Lord.  He's gonna kill me.  I'm responsible for publicly calling Shotz beer goo in front of fifteen thousand potentially thirsty people.  Coming, Mr. Shotz.

SHIRLEY EXITS.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Leading off for the Pittsburgh Pirates, center fielder Bill Virdon.

SQUIGGY

All right.  I'll lead the Pirate cheer.  Gimme a 'Pi.'  Gimme a 'rot.'  What does it spell?

CARMINE

You're a jerk!

SQUIGGY

No, it spells 'Pirot.'  This is my tribute to the Pittsburgh Pirates.

FRANK

(ROLLS) You live in Milwaukee.  You should root for the Braves, ya traitor.

SQUIGGY

I'm a Pirate fan 'cause I like what they stand for.  They're Pirates.  They pillage, they plunder, they impale little children.  That's what our national pastime is all about.  (YELLS TO FIELD) Pitcher's got a rubber duck!

WE HEAR A LOUD CRACK OF THE BAT.  CROWD REACTS.  SQUIGGY LOOKS THROUGH HIS TELESCOPE.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

It's going, it's going, it's going.  It's a pigeon.

LAVERNE ENTERS.  LENNY IS LITERALLY WALKING ON HER HEELS.  HE IS DRESSED FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.  SHE IS WEARING JEANS, A SWEATSHIRT AND A CORSAGE.

LAVERNE

Len, only one of us can fit in my shoes, so back off.

LENNY

Yes, m'love.

SQUIGGY

Hey, Dickiebird.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Batting second for Pittsburgh, the shortstop, Dick Groat.

LENNY

(TO CROWD) Ain't she a vision?  (HOLDS OUT BENCH) Here you go.

LAVERNE

Thanks.

LENNY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND LAVERNE.  THERE'S A LOUD CRACK OF THE BAT.  THE CROWD REACTS, EXCEPT FOR LENNY, WHO CONTINUES TO STARE AT LAVERNE.

SQUIGGY

Go, Dick, go!  See Dick run!  Run, Dick, run!

FRANK TAKES A HOT DOG AND PUTS IT IN SQUIGGY'S MOUTH.

FRANK

Eat, Squiggy, eat!

THE CROWD SETTLES AND LAVERNE TAKES LENNY'S ARM OFF HER SHOULDER.

LENNY

I'm gonna go get you a souvenir.  Wait here, I'll get you something.

LAVERNE

Oh Len, you really don't have to.

LENNY RACES UP THE AISLE TO THE SOUVENIR VENDOR.

LAVERNE

Hi, Pop.  How's the game?

FRANK

Stinks.  Shirley wouldn't let me use my sign.

CARMINE

Hey, Mr. DeFazio, let's go down and get a beer.

FRANK

There's a beer guy right up there.

CARMINE

But the one down there is near the men's room.

CARMINE AND FRANK EXIT.

LAVERNE

Squig, where's Shirl?

SQUIGGY

Simple.  You were late with the D, she spelled goo, and now she's in the Shotz box.

LAVERNE

Thanks, Squig.  That's what I thought.

LENNY DRAGS THE VENDOR DOWN TO LAVERNE AND PUTS A HAT ON LAVERNE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Gee, thanks a lot, Len.  You really don't have to.

LENNY

(PUTTING ANOTHER HAT ON TOP OF HAT) Here's a little something to keep the sun off your hat.

LAVERNE

Thanks.

LENNY

Here, my dear.  (HANDS HER A PENNANT)   Something to wiggle in the air.

LAVERNE

Oh, Len, real felt.

LENNY SLIPS A SEAT CUSHION UNDER LAVERNE

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Thanks, Len.  First time I got a cushion that didn't whoopee.

LENNY

I love that!

SQUIGGY

Say Len, I'm sure she'd like one of them squeaky bats.

LENNY

Comin' right up.

LENNY GIVES LAVERNE A LARGE INFLATABLE BAT.

SQUIGGY

It's yours now, but later I got a date with a big baseball fan.

SHIRLEY ENTERS.

SHIRLEY

Well, well, well, it's the missing D.  Do you realize that because of you I was publicly humiliated by Mr. Shotz?  He took the little ball out of my whistle.  (SHE BLOWS WHISTLE AND NO SOUND IS HEARD)  Now what am I gonna do with this?

LAVERNE

You can call dogs.

SHIRLEY

I'm not amused, Laverne.

Those nine pages did not make it in, other than some costumes that don't quite match the wardrobe notes I shared earlier.  Onscreen, after Shirley asks where Laverne has been, Laverne gives the next line in the script, about Lenny wanting to find a corsage to match her sweatshirt.  Laverne is already holding the bat and pennant, so viewers could assume Lenny bought them for her.  (And she does seem to be wearing two hats.)

Rusty is described in the script as "a tough looking guy."  Lenny was supposed to be holding two hot dogs, presumably one for himself, rather than the one we see onscreen for his beloved.  Rusty calling Lenny "Leonard" was added.

Onscreen, Lenny uses the hotdog like a glove, slapping Rusty after he challenges him to a duel, then Rusty punches him in the stomach.  Here's how it went in the script:

LENNY THROWS A PUNCH, HOT DOGS STILL IN HIS HANDS.  RUSTY BLOCKS IT, TAKES A PUNCH TO LENNY'S HEAD, LENNY DODGES IT AND RUSTY PUNCHES LENNY IN THE STOMACH.  LENNY DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN.

They left out Laverne telling Rusty, "Sure, hit an unarmed man."  Shirley saying, "I knew this would happen" came after Rusty's exit rather than closing out the scene.

In the script, Squiggy calls it their "first lover's quabble" rather than "squabble."  His eating the hot dog as he exits was added.

Many, many thoughts:

• All that with Shirley and the cards and everything is too wordy but it would've been nice if at least some of it had made it in.  For one thing, Carmine and Frank don't get to do much in the aired episode (especially not with the opening song chopped out of the DVD version).
• The announcer obviously has more to do, too.
• As in "The Quiz Show," Frank hopes to promote his business on TV.
• I want to say the cards were more Shirley's idea than Mr. Shotz's.
• "Shotz beer is goo."  I like it.  That slogan could've won a trip to Moosejaw.
• I assume that the "floozie" was also the "buxom blond" mentioned on the list of extras.
• Forgive me, but I laughed at the "fat head" line.
• Squiggy sure is quick to sell out Shirley to Mr. Shotz.
• His cheer and thoughts on the Pirates, oh my!  I wonder what Pirates fan Lander thought of all that.
• And there's definitely a lot more about the game itself, which I'm sure would've pleased '70s viewers who remembered early '60s baseball but does nothing for someone as sportsball-ignorant as I.
• They definitely toned down Lenny's doting/obsession for the aired episode, which probably affects how we see his crush, and her reaction to it.
• He is over the top, but I wish I'd got to hear him call her "m'love" and put his arm around her.  (And she's not exactly in a hurry to remove said arm.)
• Ha, Squiggy's Dick & Jane reference, nice.
• And Frank putting a hot dog in Squiggy's mouth!
• The set-up for Frank and Carmine to leave is awkward but I guess necessary.  Onscreen, they're not even part of this scene, despite the beginning of Scene A.
• I'm amused that Lenny actually drags the vendor, presumably laden down with souvenirs, over to Laverne, rather than just buying stuff and carrying it back to her.
• I like the double-hatting, a neat symbol of his overdoing his protection.
• "Something to wiggle in the air," ha!
• I love that "whoopee" line, too, Len.  Also, um, how does he slip the cushion under her?
• Squiggy has ulterior motives about one gift.
• Poor Shirley and her whistle, she meant well.
• The hot-dog slap is better than Lenny trying to punch Rusty first.
• The filmed scene is more focused but there are definitely some charming and funny things that got left out.