"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part One, Scene B

We get a brand-new set, "girls' train compartment - evening."  By the time this hit the air about thirteen months later, both Laverne and Shirley would be charmed by their cozy compartment, and Shirley would remark that it must be germ-free, which was a Hello Cue.  However, that emphatically is not how it went in the draft:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER, AND LOOK AROUND.  LAVERNE'S EXCITED FACE FALLS A LITTLE WHEN SHE SEES THE COMPARTMENT.

SHIRLEY

Oh, look.  How cozy.

LAVERNE

Cozy?  Yeah, you could say cozy.  Me, I like the word closet.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Laverne.  In life, as in sex, size means nothing.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Hello.

Then we get the scene as filmed for awhile, except, one, the "old lady" in the script "swats Squiggy with her purse" rather than "her" umbrella, and two, she is named Miss Peacock.  Also, she reminds Squiggy of his "sainted mother," which was Landerized to "tainted mother" of course.

This bit was dropped:

SHIRLEY

Guys, when we were getting on the train, I heard a group of people mutter, "Who are the loons in the detective outfits...?"  What I wanna know is, why are the loons in the detective outfits?

LENNY

To get to the other side?

LENNY PLAYS WITH THE SWITCH AGAIN.  LAVERNE STOPS HIM.

SQUIGGY

Leonard and I came prepared....

Then he launches into the "mysteries on trains" bit.

In the script, Lenny says that he's "Lenny," which was improved to "Dr. Seuss" (instead of Watson) onscreen.

They omitted these lines as the boys are heading out:

SQUIGGY

Hey, Len.  The dining car has two of my favorite things.  Food and women.

LENNY

Hey, maybe we'll get lucky, and see a woman eating.

SQUIGGY

Ohh, a sight like that could curl a strong man's toes.

This little bit was left out, when Laverne is eager to "ride the Iron Horse right to Smut Mountain":

SHIRLEY

...But let's just put our things away first, okay?

LAVERNE

You got it.

SHIRLEY OPENS THE CLOSET DOOR, LAVERNE THROWS IN THEIR SUITCASES, SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Well, that's done.  Let's go.

Some dialogue was added before and during the girls trying to drink coffee, perhaps filler adlibs.  When someone knocks at the door again, Shirley in the script thinks it's "someone with complimentary donuts," which became a less funny "complimentary mop" onscreen.

Thoughts:

• Laverne likes the word "closet."
  
• OH MY GOODNESS!!!  There is no way they could've got that "sex" line on the air, especially said by virginal Shirley.  My guess is it was either a joke to crack up the cast, or a bargaining chip for some less outrageous line they wanted to get past the censors.
• And the implications re Squiggy, and maybe Lenny!
• "Miss Peacock" would be renamed "McGuffin" later, which is a cute pun but I'm Sorry that Parker Brothers apparently had a Monopoly on the Clue character names.
• An instance of Squiggy saying "Leonard."
• I like the "woman eating" exchange, but some of the other dialogue I don't care about.