"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene L

And it's back to the apartment, during the "day."  And you might think that we'd see Shirley again, and maybe even hear some mention of her marriage and/or pregnancy, but, no.  It's almost exactly what would air five and a half months later.

We did lose Squiggy saying that they were "going on another expedition in the great tradition of Lewis and Martin," i.e. Jerry and Dean, as well as his line, "C'mon, Len, let's get out of these sheets and into our trapping gear.  In the great tradition of Pat and Daniel Boone, we're going hunting."  The part about shuffleboard was added.

So there you go, a fine script, maybe a bit funnier than what aired, or maybe I was too harsh (and depressed by Season Eight) in giving the filmed episode a B-.  Our next expedition into this darkest, but not deepest season begins tomorrow....

"Blansky's Beauties," Episodes Number Nine and Ten

"Nancy Meets Pa Bates" aired on April 16th.  Some things of note:

• In the opening, some of the Beauties flirt with Joey, and then Arnold wishes he was Joey.  So I guess he's widowed or divorced by this point?  ("Arnold's Wedding" had aired on March, 2, 1976.)  Or just a flirt?  I need to know this for my Nanold fic.
• I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but the dance numbers are terrible.
• "I didn't mean to poke you with my pole."
• I'm not even Southern and I'm offended by the "Arkansas" character.
• Anthony asks Sunshine to help him get dressed.  Is this the creepiest twelve-year-old on '70s sitcoms or have I mercifully blanked out on the rest?  (OK, Little Earl on What's Happening!! had his moments, but he was only nine.  And hitting on a thirteen-year-old.)
• Scott Baio in a leisure suit.  Yes, I'm going to screen-cap this....
• Pa Bates is such a hick he's never heard of slot machines.
• A gambling addiction?  This must be a Very Special Episode.
• Arnold has a Rhonda-like tendency to refer to himself by his first name.
• Charo reference.
• Wow, that is the first thing on this series I actually laughed at, Nancy slapping a man for saying, "Let's shoot craps"!
• They repeat the slap gag a few times.  Nancy and guest Warren Berlinger actually have good comic timing on it.
• "Tomorrow I'm gonna have chitlin foo young on the menu."
• Nancy and Arnold are going hiking in the desert and he promises her a good time.  See, you ship it now, right?
• And Anthony hits on three girls his own age, playing spin the bottle.
• This is Joe Glauberg's only BBeauties script, but he did write ten Happy Days episodes, including the historic My Favorite Orkan.

"To Nancy with Love" aired on April 30th.  Here are my notes:

• Random Laverne cameo in the opening.
• I could've lived my life happily without ever hearing Arnold sing, or call his waitresses "hot to trot."
• Second laugh, Nancy's reaction to the intercom.
• The camel is named Irma.
• Oh, goody, a reprise of the "French Foreign Legion" number.  Except, the camel doesn't actually show up this time.
• This is one of four episodes that Alan Rafkin directed, but the only one on this disc.  And Warren S. Murray is back, after doing the pilot.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene K

It is now "one hour later":

FRANK, CARMINE AND THE BOYS ARE PRETTY WELL DRUNK, AND SING "WE AIN'T GOT A BARREL OF MONKEYS..."

FRANK/CARMINE/LENNY/SQUIGGY

(SINGING) "WE AIN'T GOT A BARREL OF MONKEYS, MAYBE WE'RE RAGGED AND MONKEYS..."

Sadly, this was omitted, and when the scene opens, the four men are drunk, but lying on the ground in a pile, not singing.  Squiggy's line about loving "Jay" actually ran, "Frank.  May I call you Frank... I love you.  (TO CARMINE) I love you...  and (TO LENNY) I love you..."  The "son I never wanted" exchange was indeed in the script.  But instead of Carmine's joke about his father and the two chairs, which makes Squiggy think Mr. Ragusa was a lovely man, there was instead this:

CARMINE

I remember when I was with my father.  He used to always smell like olives.

LENNY

Green or black?

CARMINE

He ate both kinds.  He smelled both ways.

And instead of Squiggy telling Lenny that if the "Grim Reefer" claims him, he'll leave Lenny his picture of Raymond Burr, which Lenny promises to leave back to him, it instead ran this way:

SQUIGGY

I may be rushing things, but, Len, you old sawbuck you, you've been just like a friend to me.  I'm gonna leave you my collection of old socks and all my used handkerchiefs.

LENNY

Thanks, Squig.  The socks never fit, but the handkerchiefs always seemed to be just the right size.

CARMINE

That's beautiful.

LENNY

Carmine, you can have my autograph photo of Mothra, and all of Squiggy's old socks.

Frank's wish that they'd all been this close when they were alive, and Carmine's cry of "Yeah, one for all and all for one" were kept.  But in the filmed version, the boys are rescued because they're at a nuclear testing site, while here are the last couple pages of the script:

CARMINE HUGS SQUIGGY.  LENNY HUGS CARMINE.  THEY ALL WALLA "I LOVE YOU'S."  WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A HELICOPTER APPROACHING.

CARMINE

Listen.  What that [sic]?

FRANK

(LOOKING UP) There!  It's a helicopter.

LENNY

(PUSHING CARMINE ASIDE) I'm saved!

CARMINE

Hey, what happened to all for one?

LENNY

I'm one, you're two.  They can be three and four.

SQUIGGY MAKES A MOVE TOWARDS THE HELICOPTER, BUT FRANK THROWS HIM ASIDE.

FRANK

No one's getting saved before me.

SQUIGGY

I thought I was like a son.

FRANK

Fine.  Women and children last.

THE SOUND OF THE HELICOPTER MOVES AWAY.

FRANK (CON'TD)

They can't see us.  (TAKES BOTTLE)  I'll signal to them with this...

FRANK TAKES THE EMPTY BOTTLE AND TRIES TO BLOW OVER THE OPENING.  HE MAKES LITTLE IF ANY SOUND.

SQUIGGY

Gimme that.  I'll show you how to play it.

SQUIGGY SNATCHES THE BOTTLE AND FLINGS IT UPWARD AT THE HELICOPTER.

LENNY

Wait.  They see it.  They're landing, Squig.  And they're throwing something back at you.

THE BOTTLE COMES DOWN AND SMASHES TO PIECES ON A ROCK.

SQUIGGY

Quick, Len.  We'll glue the glass together and fill it with old coffee.  Then we'll put the cork back in and sell it.

LENNY

We'll be rich again.  How many bottles can there be of Napoleon Coffee?

THE BOYS GET DOWN DRUNKENLY AND BEGIN TO GATHER PIECES OF BROKEN GLASS.

Squiggy really is more of a jerk in the rough draft than the filmed episode.  But I would say that this scene is a bit funnier in this version.  Also, I appreciate that, unlike some Season Eight writers, Goldberg and Alu seem to understand these characters and know that Lenny likes not only Bosco but Mothra.  I think it's interesting that Frank bonds best with Squiggy when they're drunk, like in the script for "Debutante Ball," where Frank has Squiggy call him Pop, and then Frank says, "I love it.  I always did want a son," to which Squiggy would reply, "I always did want a father."

And speaking of fathers and sons, is Carmine's father dead?

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene J

It's a few hours later.  The first couple lines made it in, but they omitted Squiggy saying, "Why don't we just find us a cactus to suck on?", and Carmine's reply, " 'Cause we're in the Devil's Anvil.  There's no cactus here."  With minor variations, the next page and a half made it in, but this is how the rest of the scene went, after Carmine tells Squiggy that he should drink some of the brandy:

SQUIGGY

Are you crazy?  There's a principle involved here.

CARMINE

Have it your way.  (STARTS TO OFFER THE BOTTLE TO LENNY)

SQUIGGY

(GRABS BOTTLE)  Lucky for me I got no principles.

LENNY

My turn, Squig.

SQUIGGY

(POINTING) Snake!

LENNY QUICKLY TURNS TO LOOK AND SQUIGGY SNEAKS ANOTHER DRINK.  LENNY TURNS BACK.

LENNY

I didn't see no snake.

SQUIGGY

Musta been a fish.  (HANDS BOTTLE TO LEN)  Here, and just one sip like the rest of us.

LENNY DRINKS.

CARMINE

Lenny, how's it feel to swallow five hundred dollars' worth of brandy all at once?

LENNY

Call me a gadfly if you will, but I prefer my brandy with a twist of Bosco.

AS THEY ALL BEGIN TO GRAB FOR THE BOTTLE, "PASS THAT OVER HERE," "MY TURN," "YOU HAD A TURN," "GIMME," WE [segue to Scene K]

One thing about this script, Squiggy has fewer principles than he does in the filmed version.  Perhaps Lander wanted that toned down, due to the dire circumstances.  Lenny, in contrast, is truly adorable, Bosco and all.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scenes E and H

Still the desert in parallel time.

AS THE SUN COMES UP, WE SEE THAT AN EARLY MORNING SAND DRIFT HAS BURIED A SLEEPING FRANK AND CARMINE UP TO THEIR FACES.  FRANK WAKES UP AND NOTICES THIS PREDICAMENT.  ONE HAND IS STICKING OUT OF THE SAND.  HE LETS SAND RUN THROUGH HIS EXPOSED FINGERS.

FRANK

What is this?  I musta been eatin' crackers in bed again.  This ain't crackers, it's sand.  Hey, Carmine, wake up!

CARMINE

(AWAKE) Whatever happened to good morning?  (NOTICES SAND) and what happened to us?

FRANK

Must've been a sandstorm.  C'mon, let's get out of these things.

THEY STRUGGLE TO GET THE SAND OFF THEIR BAGS BY KICKING WITH THEIR FEET AND PUNCHING WITH THEIR HANDS.  AS THE SAND SLIDES OFF, THEY CONTINUE STRUGGLING.  WE REALIZE THAT THEY ARE ALSO STUCK IN THEIR SLEEPING BAGS.  THEY FLAIL AROUND, KICK, TWIST, BITE THE ZIPPER WITH THEIR TEETH, ETC.   THEY MANAGE TO GET ONTO THEIR FEET, AND BEGIN HOPPING AROUND LIKE SACKS OF POTATOES.

CARMINE

Okay, that's it.  Emergency measures needed here.  This calls for my Italian Swiss Army Knife.

CARMINE FIDDLES WITH SOMETHING INSIDE HIS SLEEPING BAG.  A KNIFE BLADE POKES THROUGH THE BAG INSIDE AND SLIDES DOWNWARD AND THEN UP UNTIL IT HAS CUT A SLIT THE LENGTH OF THE SLEEPING BAG.  CARMINE SQUIRMS OUT.

FRANK

Now get me out before my mustache melts.

CARMINE APPROACHES FRANK WITH THE KNIFE.  HE IS ABOUT TO CUT OPEN THE BAG.  FRANK REACTS.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Carmine, you don't need a knife to open a zipper.

CARMINE

You take the fun out of everything.

CARMINE UNZIPS FRANK'S SLEEPING BAG AND HELPS HIM OUT.

FRANK

The fun went when we left Burbank.

CARMINE DISCOVERS THE BOYS' SLEEPING BAGS AND PULLS THEM OUT OF THE SAND.

This was all left out and it probably would've been hard to stage, but there are some cute lines here.  The next half page, including the part about Lenny's coloring book, made it in.  Then the last part of this scene was omitted:

FRANK

Those no good bums.  I say we find 'em and wring their scrawny little chicken necks.

CARMINE

Relax.  Their part of the map doesn't work by itself.  When they figure that out, they'll probably come back.

FRANK

Are you nuts?  This is the desert.  We're lost.  The only way they'd stumble back here would be out of dumb luck.

CARMINE

(BEAT)  We'll wait.

Scene E ends here and there's a time-skip for Scene H, although it's still "parallel time":

FRANK AND CARMINE HAVE MADE A TENT OF SORTS OUT OF THE SLEEPING BAGS AND ARE SITTING ON LAWN CHAIRS IN THE SHADE.  THEY ARE SIPPING WATER FROM CUPS CUT OUT OF CACTUS SHAPED LIKE AN ARROW, AND FANNING THEMSELVES WITH THEIR SECTIONS OF THE MAPS.

CARMINE

They've been gone for hours.  Do you think they could've found the treasure?

Onscreen, there's no time-skip and we don't know how long Lenny and Squiggy have been gone, but Carmine does wonder if they've found the treasure.  The rest of the scene got in with mostly minor variations. 

Notable changes:

• The part about Anzio and Coney Island was added.  
• Squiggy was supposed to be crawling, while Lenny would be "using the shovel as a crutch," and then Frank would "yank the shovel" away, so he can dig with it, but onscreen Frank and Carmine have already unearthed the treasure before the boys enter.
• Squiggy was supposed to react to "Napolean [sic] Brandy" with "I don't care who it belongs to.  Finders keepers... losers weepers..." rather than the slightly better "He was my favorite president."
• And Frank was supposed to say, "Rich people collect [brandy] and put it in their basements," to which Lenny would reply, "Couldn't do that at my house.  That's where my mother kept the grapefruit."

This continues to be a solid episode, in both the final draft and the finished product.  The reference to Lenny's mother is less puzzling than the one in "The Duke of Squiggman," since he may be speaking of a time in his very early childhood.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene D

Act Two opens the next morning:

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE WANDERING IN THE DESERT.

LENNY

I think we're lost.

SQUIGGY

(PANICKING) I think we're lost?  I think we're lost?!!  Why don't you worry about yourself for a change.

LENNY

I think we're lost.

SQUIGGY

Who cares?  We're lost.

Squiggy panicking was, well, lost and they skipped to his line about what a bad idea it was to leave a trail of sand.  The next couple pages (including Lenny whining) made it in with minor modifications.  Then this exchange was omitted:

LENNY

But I'm thirsty.  You got any cups?

SQUIGGY

What do we need cups for?

LENNY

Beats me.  I'm just trying to keep a pleasant conversational flow going.  You're the one who drank all the water.  I need something to drink.

SQUIGGY

"I, I, I."  You're really a member of the "We Generation," aren't you?"

Then Squiggy makes the suggestion to think of something that will make him drool, so Lenny says he'll think about water.  For some reason, the filmed version has a brief time dissolve, so that Squiggy can tan himself.  When Rhonda appears, she was supposed to sing, "Cool, cool water."

Interestingly, when Squiggy tells Lenny it's a mirage, it was supposed to be Lenny saying that Rhonda almost touched him, rather than him almost touching her.  In the episode, Lenny says it's on the face, so Squiggy says (since Lenny is lying down), it must be a short woman.  But in the script, when Lenny says she almost touched him on the face, Squiggy tells him, "You got a very clean imagination," which is kind of adorable.

And that's about it for changes.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene C

The next several scenes are set "EXT. DESERT," and this one is in the "late afternoon":

FRANK, CARMINE, AND SQUIGGY ARE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.  LENNY LOOKS LIKE A PACK MULE, AS HE IS CARRYING ALL THE GEAR.

That is what we see, but there's some added dialogue about Squiggy eating all the food.  Here how the dialogue goes in the script:

FRANK

Running out of gas in the middle of the desert.  What a stupid thing to do.

SQUIGGY 

In this dog meets dog world, you do what you gotta do.

LENNY

Well, my dogs are killin' me.

CARMINE

What did you expect walking barefoot?

LENNY

I don't want to get sand in my shoes.  All right with you, Captain Cactus?

They kept the "dog meets dog world" line but not the rest.  Then the next page made it in until we hit this:

CARMINE

Hey, pass me the water, Squiggy.

FRANK

Go easy on it.  We could be here a long time.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, but if we suck it right down, we won't have to worry about it.

FRANK REACTS AND LOOKS AROUND.

FRANK

Stranded, for who knows how long -- with you guys.  I got it!  I died and this is my punishment.

And when Carmine tells Frank that this is beginning to look like a bad idea, Squiggy tells him, "Oh yeah?   Well, you ain't exactly the life of Death Valley."

The rest of the scene made it in with minor modifications.  So far, surprise!Shirley aside, this script is mostly what we'd see months later.  I'm OK with that, however, because it is laugh-out-loud funny.  It is interesting though that they made Squiggy more selfish right off in the filmed version.  And, yep, Lenny deliberately was supposed to look like a pack mule, which McKean does well.

Anyway, this ends Act I and there is indeed a commercial break after Squiggy schemes to ditch Frank and Carmine the next morning and Lenny agrees.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene B

We next go to Cowboy Bill's, "a few hours later":

FRANK IS PULLING GLASSES OUT OF A CARRYING RACK AND PLACING THEM ON THE SERVICE COUNTER.  CARMINE INSPECTS ONE OF THE GLASSES.

CARMINE

Mr. De Fazio, these glasses have so much dirt on them they look like bus windows.

FRANK

What can I do?  I can't afford a new dishwasher, so I gotta stick with the old one.

CARMINE

Want me to take a wrench to it?

FRANK

Nah, he's close to retirement.  You'd break his heart.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.  SQUIGGY IS WEARING A BERNOOSE AND WIELDING A WALKING STICK.  LENNY WEARS AN UMBRELLA HAT AND CARRIES AN ELECTRIC FAN WHICH HE PLACES ON A TABLE.

The Carmine & Frank exchange was left out (probably for the best), and Lenny and Squiggy got more traditionally Old West outfits.

After that, the rest of the scene (not counting Landerian flourishes and whatnot) basically made it in, "What hats?" and all, although we lost Squiggy's "Lemme figure something out.  Ten minus five plus a hamburger, divided by some cheese....  (BEAT)  Deal.  But you only get a third so that me and Len can keep half," and gained "Frankie" kissing Squiggy on the cheek and Squiggy wondering, "Why do older men find me so attractive?"

Also, in the script, Squiggy tells Carmine, "I'm sure you'll add an element of charm to our safari," while as filmed he says it'll be nice to have "a leading man" on their safari, and then Carmine says he's not going to kiss Squiggy.

Lenny's fan joke is in the script, although there it's the one he brought in, rather than the one he borrows from the restaurant.

I don't have a lot to say about this scene, other than it's solid and obviously met with Michael and David's approval.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene A

So, you know how "Please Don't Feed the Buzzards" was the last Michael McKean episode to air?  Well, that's not how it was intended.  In fact, our story begins several months earlier, with the Final Draft on September 9, 1982.

Notice anything about the cast list?  And I don't mean that Kosnowski and Ragusa are definitely Z-less, but Squiggy still gets one G and two N's in his last name.  There's a certain name, second from the top, that may surprise you.  Remember, this was a couple weeks after the "Death Row II" script had Laverne wishing Shirley were there.  Was there a possibility Cindy was coming back after all?  Or is this a vestigial trait from an even earlier draft?

We begin in the Girls' Apartment, during the Day:

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.  {Squee!}  THE GIRLS ARE CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS.  LENNY CARRIES A SUITCASE.  THEY ALL HAVE JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING AT A SWAP MEET.

SHIRLEY

Now that's what I call a successful swap meet.  Three dollars for an original copy of Elvis singing "Hound Dog."

SHIRLEY CROSSES TO THE RECORD PLAYER AND PUTS HER RECORD ON.  WE HEAR:

RECORD (V.O.)

(RECORD SKIPPING) "YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T..."

SHIRLEY

I didn't know he stuttered on his earlier recordings.

LAVERNE

Garbage, Shirl.  You bought garbage.

LENNY

We was gonna buy garbage, but it was too expensive.

For some reason, none of this made it in, and instead Laverne is alone onscreen and spring-cleaning when the boys show up with their "boss suitcase."  The part about Amelia Earhard (Shirley's "correction" of "Emelio Airhead") made it in, with that line going to Laverne, who kept the line about Amelia being lost forty years ago, although it was more like thirty at the time that Season Eight takes place.

Then came this:

SQUIGGY

And what did you buy that's so special, Captain History?

LAVERNE REACHES INTO HER BAG AND PULLS OUT A BLONDE "MARILYN MONROE-TYPE" WIG

SHIRLEY

Laverne, what a lovely dust cloth.

LAVERNE

Dust cloth?  This wig was worn by Marilyn Monroe in "Some Like It Hot."  Look.

LAVERNE PUTS ON WIG, STRIKES A POSE, THE BOYS GO WILD, "RONNIE", ETC.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(TAKING OFF WIG) You're right, Shirl.  This'll make a lovely dust cloth.

SQUIGGY

Aw, put it back on... Put it back on.  Put it back on.

LAVERNE

(PICKING UP SHOPPING BAG) I'm taking my Marilyn Monroe dust cloth, (PULLS OUT RED-HAIRED WIG) and my Susan Hayward floor mop.  Go back to the swap meet and try to sell them to a janitor.  (MOVES TOWARD DOOR)

SHIRLEY

Wait.  (PULLING RECORDS OUT OF SHOPPING BAG) I'm coming with you.  I want to sell my set of Elvis coasters.

THE GIRLS EXIT.

SQUIGGY

Rude women.  Leaving us alone.

LENNY

Yeah.  And not so much as a "get outta here."  (INDICATING SUITCASE) But, at least we got a new place to store our bacon grease.  Things was gettin' pretty sticky in the bathtub.

SQUIGGY

True.  True.  But that grease was a gift horse on lonely nights.

Then the part about Lenny opening up the suitcase and hoping to find a ticket to "Hulalulu" was kept, along with the most of the rest of the remaining two pages, but I would've loved to have had this little gem, after Lenny says "Padre" was probably sorry he made the treasure so hard to find:

SQUIGGY

Not that hard.  Where can you find cactus and sand together?

LENNY

The beach?

SQUIGGY

No wonder you never tan.

Thoughts:

• Core Four!  Oh, my little heart!
• And how cute is it that they all went to the swap meet together?  I only wish there was a scene with that.
• Instead of the pain of Killer threatening to torture Laverne to Elvis, here Shirley buys a set of warped Elvis records.  (A symbol of how much had changed since the '50s?)
• "We was gonna buy garbage," of course you were, Sweetie.  You almost bought a garbage truck instead of an ice cream truck.
• I don't even care that Andy Goldberg and Cheryl Alu are saying that Marilyn wore a wig in Some Like It Hot.  Laverne puts on the wig and strikes a pose (a sexy pose obvs) and the boys go wild!  They Ronnie!  They etc.!
• Squiggy is the one who verbalizes his lust more.  Is Lenny's hand still jammed into his own mouth?  What would they have done over the red Susan Hayward wig?
• Also, I don't know what this does for the Lenny = mop theory, but there you go.
• The boys are offended that the girls don't even have the common courtesy to stay and kick them out.
• Oh dear, bacon grease in the bathtub?  That's, well, in character.
• As is whatever the hell Squiggy does with it to ease his loneliness.
• The "tan" exchange is just so perfect.

This is a delightful start, and I'm not just saying that because it's in Season Eight.

Pre-Crossover Question No. 1

Is the Rita DeFazio, of the second-season Happy Days episode "Who's Sorry Now?", any relation to Laverne?  She lives on the "nice" side of town and is unlikely to be, for instance Uncle Fungee's daughter, but it is a funny coincidence.

"Death Row - Part II," Scene H

The final scene of this script is set on Death Row, at night:

LAVERNE IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.  SHEBA IS ON HER BUNK.

LAVERNE

You know it would be real easy to tunnel out of here except for one thing.  We're on the eighth floor.

SHEBA

(CROSSING TO LAVERNE) You can't give up hope, Laverne.  Think about Susan Hayward in "I Want to Live."

LAVERNE

They killed her in that movie.

SHEBA

Oh, yeah, not Susan Hayward.  I meant Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music."

KLUGER APPROACHES WITH A PRIEST.

KLUGER

(OPENING CELL DOOR) Smith, it's time.

LAVERNE

(BACKING INTO THE CORNER) Time?  What do you mean time?

In the filmed version, both girls are looking out the window, and Laverne hopes that's the governor's car, but it's a hearse.  And they argue over who will go first.

The rest of the dialogue mostly made it in intact. Here's the description of the jaw-dropping musical number:

THE PRIEST BEGINS A SLOW BLUES NUMBER THAT SOON TURNS INTO A GOSPEL ROCKER WITH ALL THE GUARDS, INMATES, AND LAVERNE JOINING IN.  THE SONG ENDS.

Laverne's line, "You don't wanna put me in that chamber!  Think of what you'll save on your gas bill!" was dropped.

Frank was supposed to "drag a man wearing pajamas," but he enters alone and then the judge follows in sleepwear.   Sylvia's father was "Harold Berman" in the script rather than the marginally funnier "Herman Berman."  And instead of a reprise of the gospel number after Laverne exits, the closing line was the "Inmates" yelling, "Shut up.  We're working on our novels!"

There is no tag in this version, which I guess is another way that the filmed episode is worse.  (Except for Carverne shippers of course.)

A few thoughts:

• "Monastery" also refers to Julie Andrews in Sound of Music.  I doubt she would've been flattered.
• I don't know who wrote the gospel number (one hopes it was not McKean), and under other circumstances, it might've been OK.  But here?  Seriously?  A place where Laverne could sit down?  Like in the electric chair?
• I realize that it doesn't specify that the priest and inmates who sing it would be Black (Laverne, Sheba, and Killer aside), but blues and gospel are traditionally African-American genres of music, and that is in fact how the roles were cast.  The Black women are treated like props, rather than individualized and respected as they are at Frank & Edna's wedding.  It's a subtler form of racism than "Chinamen," but I don't think I'm just reacting to it with 21st-century sensibilities.
• The "gas bill" line is not quite as offensive as Rhonda's line about Laverne having a gas is.
• The line about writing in prison is more '60s than '80s but is a particularly weak one to end on.  Then again, how could anyone decently close this episode?

In a different way than the "Monastery" script, this script shows a remarkable lack of insight into not just the established characters (especially Laverne) but human nature, humor, or screenwriting.  I realize that this is "only" the Final Draft, but, as with "Monastery," I'm baffled that this got past more than the plot-bunny stage.  I can look at some C- episodes, like the one with Charles Grodin, and see the potential for entertainment, even if the execution is disappointing.  We've got the script for "How's Your Sister?" ahead of us (not just yet), and I will look to see what worked and what didn't at an earlier stage of development than the finished product.  

But, really, even in Season Eight, how could they think that America wanted a beloved character like Laverne to go to Death Row?  Even Dabney Coleman's title character in Buffalo Bill (1983-84) wouldn't have merited such treatment, and that was a much darker comedy than Laverne & Shirley.  That they're attempting to play this as still goofy comedy only makes matters worse.

Luckily, there was an oasis in the desert of LAS's final season, a story that taught us why we should not feed the buzzards....

"Death Row - Part II," Scene E

It's time to go to Cowboy Bill's, "later that night":

FRANK IS ON THE PHONE

FRANK

(INTO PHONE) Any news about my daughter yet, Sergeant?...I know.  Well, I thought you maybe found her in the last five minutes.

FRANK HANGS UP THE PHONE.  CARMINE AND RHONDA ENTER.  FRANK RUNS TO MEET THEM.

FRANK (CONT'D)

What's the word?  You find her?

CARMINE

Sorry, we looked everywhere and still no Laverne.

FRANK

I don't wanna hear that.  She's been gone twenty-four hours.  She's gotta be somewhere.

RHONDA

I went down to Lover's Lane and flashed a light in all the windows.  Some of the men even flashed back.

CARMINE

I checked all the bars.

FRANK

What for?  My daughter don't go to places like that.  (BEAT)  What'd they tell ya?

CARMINE

No luck.  They haven't seen her.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Innkeeper, table for two.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY SPOT TWO YOUNG GIRLS AT A TABLE.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

On second thought, we'll seat ourselves.

LENNY

What was the first thought?

THE BOYS CROSS TO THE GIRLS.

SQUIGGY

The same as all our others.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY SEAT THEMSELVES WITH THE LADIES.  FRANK TURNS BACK TO CARMINE AND RHONDA.

FRANK

I don't know what to do.  She wasn't home all last night.  What if she's hurt?  What if she's in a hospital?

CARMINE

What is she's with a guy?

FRANK

Then she's gonna wish she was in a hospital.  I'm too old for this.

RHONDA
Well, if she's with a guy, maybe we could call.  I found Laverne's little black book in her apartment.

RHONDA PULLS A BLACK BOOK OUT OF HER PURSE.  IT IS AS THICK AS A BRICK.

FRANK

That's her little black book?

RHONDA

(HANDS BOOK TO FRANK)  Here, you take A through G.  (PULLS OUT ANOTHER OF EQUAL SIZE)  I'll take H through P.  (PULLS OUT YET ANOTHER ONE THE SAME)  Carmine, you start with Q through Z.

CARMINE

(WEIGHING THE LAST BOOK IN HIS HAND) Gee, Q through Z, you'd think it'd be much thinner.

RHONDA

She knows a lot of Chinamen.

FRANK

What are we waiting for?  Let's call these bums.  I'll go get us some dimes.

FRANK CROSSES TO THE CASH REGISTER.  RHONDA FOLLOWS HIM.  CARMINE, LEAFING THROUGH PHONE BOOK, CROSSES TO THE LENNY AND SQUIGGY FOURSOME.

SQUIGGY

So ladies, what say we ditch this place, find ourselves a department store, and watch them change the mannequins?

THE GIRLS ARE REPULSED AND THEY EXIT.   CARMINE SITS WITH THE BOYS.  THE BOYS REACT TO CARMINE'S WORRIED EXPRESSION.

LENNY

What's with the long face?  We'll find other girls.

CARMINE

I'm not worried about you two.  It's Laverne.  She's been missing.  Mr. DeFazio is worried about her.  He thinks she might be in trouble.

LENNY

Tell him to relax.  By tomorrow all his troubles will be over.

THE BOYS LAUGH.

As filmed, the scene starts with Carmine asking Lenny and Squiggy, who are sitting at a table with no girls, if they've seen Laverne.  They deny it and then tell him not to worry about "little Laverne."  Squiggy's line about being like "monkeys in a swap meet" is a Landerian elaboration of a line in the script.

And the next page of dialogue, including Carmine having some encounter with a "chunky" female prisoner, made it in.  But instead of having Frank get angry and beat up Squiggy, including against the jukebox, there was this:

CARMINE JUMPS UP FROM HIS SEAT.

CARMINE

Hey, Mr. DeFazio, the boys know where Laverne is!  They saw her at the prison on Death Row.

FRANK

Impossible.  What's the matter with you, Carmine?  How can you believe those idiots?

CARMINE

Well, usually, I wouldn't, but yesterday I saw her with these commando types.  I knew there was something weird about them.

Then the line of Frank asking Squiggy why they didn't say something sooner was kept, but onscreen Squiggy says, "Well, look what happened when I told it to you later."  Frank heads down to the prison, and Carmine wonders if the boys know the difference between right and wrong.  Squiggy says, "It's left and wrong that has me in a tizzy."  And the scene ends.  Here's the last page and a half of the scene in the script:

SQUIGGY

We thought it would be bad for your health if you got red in the face and looked like you were gonna beat us up.

LENNY

There was a good deal of concern and thought on our part.

FRANK

I got to do something.

CARMINE

I say we call the warden.

RHONDA

No, no.  We have to call the governor.

CARMINE

What are you gonna say, "Hi ho, it's Rhonda.  Let me talk to the governor."

RHONDA

I bet I get further with that than you get with "Hey, Gov, it's the 'Big Ragoo'."

AS CARMINE AND RHONDA CONTINUE ARGUING, FRANK REACTS.

FRANK

I gotta do something.  You watch the store.  I gotta get my muffin.

THE BOYS GO BACK TO THEIR HAMBURGERS.

SQUIGGY

You know, Len, I learned one of life's most important lessons from all this.

LENNY

You don't have to tell me, Squig, I know.  Never hold back important information when a life is hanging by the thread.

SQUIGGY

No, no[.]  Never eat hamburger when there's plenty of steak in the back and the owner ain't here.

SQUIG ESCORTS LENNY TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.

Observations:

1. This scene is both the best so far and still objectively terrible.
2. Frank's concern is for the most part touching and in character.
3. Rhonda is in this scene, but not in the filmed version, where presumably she got lucky with Sean Connery.
4. The.  Men.  Flashed.  Back.  At.  Rhonda.  I bet their dates loved that.
5. Frank is in semi-denial that Laverne goes to bars.
6. Also, fun fact, Los Angeles is a pretty big town.  Did Carmine cover all the bars, or just the ones that Laverne goes to?
7. In another episode, I might've been amused by some of the boys' dialogue, including when they try to pick up the "young girls" (how young? the boys are pushing thirty at this point), but not when Laverne is, you'll recall, on Death Row.
8. Frank's threatened violence towards Laverne is canonical, but geez, please not on this episode.
9. You're too old for this?  Your daughter is also pushing thirty, and if she had run off with a guy, that's her business.  (Unless it's to go on an aircraft carrier, and then LeRose & Co will see that she's suitably punished.)
10. If Laverne is with a guy, Rhonda is going to assume it's someone she's gone out with often enough to be featured in her "little black book" and she won't mind them calling.
11. Laverne's "little black book" is three encyclopedia-sized volumes, which somehow fit in Rhonda's Mary-Poppins-like purse.
12. "Chinamen."  Remember what I said about this script being racist?  Well, I didn't just mean in the prison scenes.
13. Oddly, the "mannequin" proposition is probably one of Squiggy's cleaner ones.
14. All Frank's "troubles" will be over once his only child fries, says Lenny, who once was in love with her.
15. Let this sink in, Carmine knew there was something "weird" about the commando types, but he didn't suggest trying to contact them, rather than running around to bars to ask men if they've seen Laverne lately.
16. It is a measure of how bizarre Season Eight is, that I can visualize Carmine and Rhonda calling Governor Reagan (probably played by Bryan Clark, https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0093546/bio) and pleading for Laverne.
17. Note that, although Squiggy and Lenny raid the restaurant's kitchen (which balances them raiding Laverne's kitchen in a tag that's in the filmed version but not here), there are not actually any stage directions suggesting that anyone but the chatted-up girls exits.  Well, the audience is probably equally repulsed and exits.

"Death Row - Part II," Scene D

Act Two also opens in the Death Row Cell, "later that day."  And guess what?  Everybody doing "Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!" was added!  Definitely a case of something being worse than this script, which is impressive.  Kluger locks everybody back up and says she'll miss "Jones."  Oh, and Sheba's suggestion that Laverne braid her hair comes here, while as the scene opens in the script, "Laverne is pacing," and "Sheba is seated on a bed, braiding her own hair."  

The first page of this scene's dialogue comes next, although they left out Killer saying, "My second husband - may he rest in peace- wouldn't get me a beer."  Also, Sheba talking about fallout was added.

Here's what happened in the script after Lenny and Squiggy enter.

SQUIGGY 

Hello, Ladies, we're back.

WE HEAR APPLAUSE RADIATE FROM THE JAIL CELLS.  FROM HER POSITION LAVERNE CAN'T SEE THE COMMOTION.  SHE TURNS TO KILLER IN THE ADJOINING CELL.

LAVERNE

What's going on?

KILLER

It's a couple idiots the warden lets in to help boost morale.  They're supposed to remind us of what we're not missing on the outside.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY STROLL DOWN THE ROW CARRYING A BOX, PASSING OUT CHOCOLATES, NYLONS AND ASSORTED GOODIES.  THEY THROW THE ITEMS THROUGH THE BARS LIKE A SIDEWAYS FRISBEE.

SQUIGGY

How do you like our new style, girls?  It's all in the wrist.

LENNY

Yeah.  We spent a whole week practicing at the zoo.

Onscreen, Killer and the other women are happy to see the boys, but they don't applaud them.  Squiggy banters with them, and they don't treat the women like animals at a zoo.

Some of the dialogue for their reunion with Laverne was kept, but interestingly, Lenny does not exclaim her name, and there's definitely no kissing in the script.  Squiggy saying that he knew she was desperate to meet men but should do it in bars, not behind bars was added.

This was left out:

LAVERNE

Am I glad to see you guys.  I'm in big trouble.

LENNY

Well, it's no surprise.  Just the other day I was asking Squig just who do we know that might be a mass murderer.

LAVERNE

Will you please shut up and listen to me.

SQUIGGY

Too late for talk Laverne.  I tell you, Len, you leave 'em alone for two minutes and they end up on Death Row.

The part about her saying they've got to tell her pop, and Lenny saying they try not to meddle in family affairs is straight from the script.  Then they added Laverne pleading with them to tell her father, and Squiggy (demonstrating with Lenny) why he's afraid of Frank's temper.  Then Laverne suggests writing a note, and we get one of the few actually decent lines on the filmed version, Lenny's about the "six-foot Pole."

Squiggy offering Sheba "goodies" is from the script but reworded (probably by Lander).  Lenny suggesting that they tell Frank in person since Laverne might really be in trouble was added, I'm guessing by McKean, although Squiggy convinces him to drop the note in the mailbox and have Frank beat up the mailman.  Wanna know how the last page of the scene goes in the script?  OK, if you're sure....

LAVERNE

Guys, I'm in serious trouble.   You gotta go get my Pop!

LENNY

Laverne, why don't you think about someone other than yourself for a change.  It would kill the man if he knew what you did.

LAVERNE

But I didn't do anything.  I'm innocent!

SQUIGGY

Innocent.  Sure.  Sure.  I suppose you're just here for the free Johnny Cash Concerts...  Well, Laverne, we'd love to chat but Cell #18 needs a boost in the old morale.

LENNY

Bye, Laverne.  We'll take care of your mail.

THE BOYS EXIT.

LAVERNE

It's bad enough dying, but do the last two men I see on this Earth have to be Lenny and Squiggy???  (LOOKS HEAVENWARD)

Things that are wrong with this scene that weren't in the script:

• Laverne leading everyone in her childhood chant with Shirley
• Squiggy's easy!Laverne line about meeting men
• Squiggy beating up Lenny to prove a point
• Squiggy convincing Lenny to forget his moment of compassion and just mail the note so the poor mailman can be beat up instead

Things that are wrong with this scene that were in the script but got cut before filming:

• Killer explaining Lenny and Squiggy's presence in a way that is insulting, illogical, and unfunny
• Lenny comparing the inmates to zoo animals, to their faces
• Lenny and Squiggy discussing who among their friends is most likely to be a mass murderer and agreeing that it would be Laverne
• Squiggy being both heartless and blasé about Laverne being on Death Row
• Lenny accusing Laverne of self-centeredness for wanting to upset her father (as if Frank wouldn't notice that Laverne is on Death Row unless someone told him)
• Both boys refusing to believe in Laverne's innocence
• The utter betrayal of Laverne's close friendship with the boys, which has grown and evolved for seven seasons
• The not merely sinking but the setting on fire of the most precious ship of the series
• Oh, and the fact that this scene doesn't particularly advance the plot, while onscreen Lenny at least takes the note

"Death Row - Part II," Scene C

It's back to the Death Row Cell in the morning, presumably the next morning:

KILLER IS ASLEEP ON THE BOTTOM BUNK.  LAVERNE PACES QUIETLY IN THE CELL.  A PIGEON LANDS ON THE CELL'S WINDOW.  LAVERNE CROSSES SLOWLY TOWARDS IT.

LAVERNE

Here, pidgy, pidgy.  (GETTING CLOSER) Stay right there.  (STILL CLOSER) Maybe we can be friends.

LAVERNE REACHES FOR THE PIGEON.  IT FLIES AWAY.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Stupid bird.  What does Burt Lancaster got that I don't got.

KILLER

I can tell you haven't been here very long.

Officer Kluger coming in and asking if Laverne had a nice night was kept, except that Laverne is "Smith" rather than "Jones" in this version.

LAVERNE

Could you try calling me DeFazio?  It is my name.

KLUGER

DeFazio, Smith, after tomorrow night, it's only gonna make a difference to the worms.  Let's go.

LAVERNE JUMPS ON THE BARS LIKE A CAT AND HOLDS ON.

LAVERNE

Well, I ain't goin'.  (TO KILLER) Back me up on this one and I'll shine your shoes for a month.

KILLER

Hey, you don't see me cryin', do ya?

LAVERNE

I don't see you goin' either.

The next page was kept, although for some reason Killer onscreen says she's in prison for killing her "first husband," rather than just her husband as in the script, implying she got married again in prison.  This is the original first part of the conversation Laverne and Sheba have once they're sharing a cell:

LAVERNE

Look, Sheba, this is going too far.  You can get me off the hook if you just tell them the truth.

SHEBA

I suppose I could tell them about having the meeting at your house.  You being the secretary of the gang.  Carrying the dynamite and handing the teller the hold up note...

LAVERNE

Well, how about if you lie.

SHEBA

I really couldn't do a thing like that.

LAVERNE

I'm never gonna get outta here.

SHEBA

How do you want to spend the rest of our lives?  (BEAT) Hey, you could braid my hair.

LAVERNE

I'd rather wring your neck.  Why are you doin' this to me?  You're being so selfish.

SHEBA

I am not selfish....

Instead, onscreen this became Laverne trying to squeeze Sheba through the bars and then the girls arguing about "the cause," with Laverne calling it stupid and Sheba saying it's not stupid.  Then the part about Sylvia's mother and the soup and being Sylvia Berman was kept.  The next part was also different in the script:

SHEBA

I don't like the name either, alright?  So, I changed it.  And I got tired of living at home with my parents, and maids and all that money.

LAVERNE

Sounds terrible.

SHEBA

Well it is.  Or it was.  (BREAKING DOWN) I'm not really sure anymore.  I don't know what to do.  I just want to go to Bardwell's and hang out at the make-up counter.

LAVERNE

You know something?  You're a real fruitcake.  I'm getting outta here.

Onscreen, Sylvia sounds more like a surfer girl than a rich girl, and Laverne sort of tries to comfort her.

The last page, with Laverne "clanking" the paper cup and Kluger telling her she already got her phone call and will die that night, was all kept.

Well, you know, for a scene in this script, I don't hate it.  The Birdman of Alcatraz reference is relatively cute, and I almost like the odd callback to Bardwell's.  By the way, Killer's reply, "I can tell you haven't been here very long" may be a muddled lesbian joke, I don't know.  

It still bugs me that Kluger and presumably the other authorities don't care that these may not be the actual Smith and Jones.  They just want to fry someone soon, it doesn't really matter whom.  And I do feel that LeRose writes like he's never had a real conversation with a woman, because even someone who's as shallow as Sheba would not suggest that Laverne braid her hair during their last day on Earth.  (And from a comedic standpoint, "Hey, we could braid each other's hair" is better.)

This closes out Act I.  Act II, with Lenny and Squiggy and so much more is on its way....

"Death Row - Part II," Scene B

Let's go to the "girls' apartment" (yes, still plural), that "same night."  As filmed, Rhonda says "Hi ho" and calls to Laverne that it's time to go to a premiere of a James Bond movie, while Carmine, in his usual wardrobe, holds a picnic basket.  Carmine says Laverne wouldn't leave without him since she likes to climb on someone, and he hopes she won't wear spiked heels again.  Rhonda hopes Sean Connery will notice her, including her name and number on the back of her T-shirt.  Carmine briefly turns on the news and of course (under the Gilligan Rule of Broadcasting) hears that the governor has refused a pardon for prisoners Smith and Jones.  Rhonda and Carmine leave and he hopes Laverne won't climb on somebody she doesn't know.  Rhonda says it wouldn't be the first time, because by Season Eight even Rhonda can slut-shame Laverne.

But if you think that's bad, hoo-boy, here's how it went in the script:

THE APARTMENT IS EMPTY.  CARMINE KNOCKS AND THEN ENTERS.  HE IS DRESSED WITH A SKI MASK, A SKI HAT ON TOP OF THAT, TWO SKI JACKETS AND A SCARF.  HE CARRIES TWO PAIRS OF SKIS, SKI POLES, BOOTS, CRUTCHES, A CANE AND AN EQUIPMENT BAG.  HE STRUGGLES IN THE DOOR.

CARMINE

Laverne?  Laverne?  How do you like that after all the trouble I went through for her.

CARMINE DROPS THE EQUIPMENT, TAKES OFF THE HAT, MASK, THE TWO JACKETS, THE SCARF AND HIS PANTS. HE'S GOT A CAST ON EACH LEG.  AS HE BENDS OVER IN HIS UNDERWEAR, AND BEGINS TO UNFASTEN THE CASTS, RHONDA ENTERS.

RHONDA

Hi ho, Rhonda time.  (SPOTS CARMINE) Well, I hope I have this kind of luck where I'm going tonight.

CARMINE, EMBARRASSED, SCURRIES BEHIND THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS PANTS BACK ON.

CARMINE

There's all the stuff you and Laverne wanted.  What are you gonna do with all of this?

RHONDA

Well, tonight's the International Ski Instructor's Convention.  So we're just putting the skis on the car to look professional.

CARMINE

What's with the cast and crutches?

RHONDA SLIPS A CAST ON HER LEG AND STRIKES A SEXY POSE.

RHONDA

Lots of sandy-haired instructors will be there.  Could you keep your hands off this kind of vulnerability?

CARMINE

At ease, Rhonda.  You're making me forget I'm a decent man.

RHONDA

See what I mean?  (TOWARDS UPSTAIRS) Laverne?  Time to go.  Laverne.

CARMINE

Don't bother.  She's not here.

RHONDA

Gee, all those cute guys, it's not like her to miss something like this.  Well, Rhonda doesn't really want to go alone.  What're you doing tonight?

CARMINE

Forget it.  Skiing doesn't interest me.

RHONDA

The French women's ski team will be there.

CARMINE

I think I just heard my leg snap.

CARMINE SLIPS ON THE OTHER CAST.

RHONDA

And the Swedish women's team will show how to ski in bikinis without getting goosebumps.

CARMING

(GRABBING THE BACK OF HIS NECK) There goes the old whiplash.

CARMINE REACHES INTO THE BAG, PULLS OUT A NECK BRACE AND SLIPS IT ON.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

(GETS ON CRUTCHES AND OFFERS RHONDA HIS ARM)  Shall we?

RHONDA TAKES CARMINE'S ARM AND THEY HOBBLE TOWARD THE DOOR.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

I don't know why Laverne didn't get home.  But she must be doin' something that's a lot of fun.

RHONDA

Yeah.  Whatever she's doing is probably a gas.

CARMINE AND RHONDA EXIT.

A few thoughts:

• I'm sorry, why is Carmine in his underwear?  Excuse me, why is he bending over in his underwear?
• Does this scene count as Carhonda or is it too weird and sleazy?  ("Hello."  No, don't worry, there will be a Lenny & Squiggy entrance in this script.  I bet you can't wait.)
• "I don't know why Laverne didn't get home."  Um, Carmine, do you remember that group of people in her living room that you were suspicious of on Part I?  Could they possibly have something to do with this?
• There are arguably more tasteless lines that actually made it onto the air (*cough*theytootedthebighorn*cough*), but I think Rhonda's exit line is a strong contender for most tasteless rejected line, even in a script chockful of goodies.

"Blansky's Beauties," Episode Number Eight

"Nancy Meets Laverne" aired on April 9th and here's a running commentary (time-marks may be approximate):

00:17 "I'm Laverne DeFazio and tonight I'm one of the Blansky [sic] Beauties."

02:00 Written by Roger Garrett and directed by (once again) Jerry Paris.

02:18 Scott Baio hits on Lynda Goodfriend again, with his character being twelve as a selling point.

04:14 Marvin the Bellhop returns.

04:46 Shirtless Eddie

05:25 Flashback begins with the "Welcome Milwaukee Visitors" tower.

05:31 "1957" appears on the screen!  So Laverne is nineteenish, right?

05:47 Nancy, with a '50s hairstyle but otherwise not de-aged is greeted in her hotel room by Frank DeFazio.

06:00 Frank is smoking a cigar!  Also, he's running the benefit that she's in town for.

06:30 "Incidentally, my daughter, Laverne, is a good dancer, you know."

07:38 Laverne walks in and of course the crowd goes crazy.

08:10 Laverne is starstruck, by Nancy.

08:50 Nancy was a big Broadway star?  How did I miss that earlier?

09:35 Laverne wants an autograph for her "best friend, Shirley Feeney."

10:10 Laverne is imitating Señor Wences.

10:44 "I just got my first part-time job, down at the brewery."  So it was only part-time then?

10:50 They started her off as a barrel-roller, but she hopes to be promoted to either bottle-capper or labeller.  Also, she's taking a stenography class.

11:02 Nancy offers her a job as secretary.

13:00 Penny and Nancy have decent comic chemistry together and I wonder what they could've done with stronger material.

13:43 Laverne offers to drive Nancy to the rehearsal hall, although she admits she drives "not real good."  Canonically, Laverne at this point is afraid to drive and does not yet have her license in '57.

13:46 Laverne admits she can't drive at all.

14:40 "Pfister Convention Center Sons of Sicily Benefit for Underprivileged Children"

14:43 Frank is hosting.

16:16 Nancy's dance partner, a male butcher, can't go on because his shop caught on fire, so it'll have to be Laverne.

16:57 When Laverne reluctantly agrees, she asks if she can sew an L on the costume.

17:27 Fortunately, the costume fits perfectly.

17:33 "Nancy Blansky and my little muffin."

17:44 "Fit as a Fiddle" from Singin' in the Rain

19:32 Nancy invites Laverne to Vegas, which of course would've eliminated Laverne & Shirley.

21:05 Laverne doesn't want to go to Vegas.  She's going to stay in Milwaukee and work in the brewery.

21:34 Laverne plans to get a roommate and move out and then meet a fella and move out to get married and have a family life.  But by this point, more than six months after graduation, Laverne should be living with Shirley already, according to not-yet-aired canon.  And we know it would actually be "...Get fired from the brewery, move with my roommate and our best friends to California.  And then she'll marry a guy completely covered in bandages, get pregnant, and she'll move out."

22:51 Back to the present.

23:14 Joey has to decide if he wants Cochise more than dancing.

23:33 Joey bites his hand!

23:50 Nancy encourages him to take a break from dedication.

24:42 Nancy gets eaten by an inflatable raft.

Maybe a C+, I don't know.  Not bad for this series, but not on the level of Season Two of LAS.

"Blansky's Beauties," Episodes Two Through Five

"Blansky for the Defense" aired on February 19, 1977.  A few things of note:

• We learn a little about Joey and Nancy's backstories, including that Joey hopes to break into show biz, so I guess that runs in the family.
• Joey does some acrobatic flips at the custody hearing, because you know, Garry figured that's what Eddie should do.
• The combined writing talents of LAS's Judy Pioli, Marc Sotkin, and Chris Thompson still can't make me laugh at this series.  Not even with Jerry Paris borrowed from Happy Days for the time being.

"Nancy's Cover-Up" aired on February 26th (except IMDB has it as the fourth episode).  Here's what I can tell you about it:

• In the girls' opening intro, Arnold Takahashi "from Miami Beach, Florida" pops up!  This is about four months after the last episode Mr. T and Tina (nothing to do with the later famous Mr. T).  How does Pat Morita's crossover character fit in?  Well, he's a fry cook at his own coffee shop.  (And apparently also lives in Nancy's apartment building.)  I have no idea what he's been doing in the dozenish years since his last canonical appearance on Happy Days, Season Eleven, in 1983.  (Yes, it hurt my brain to type that.)  He's still trilingual (English, Chinese, and Japanese).
• A sample of the writing on this series, the British Beauty observes, "Such a pity this country outlawed flogging."
• How desperate is this show that they bring on a live camel this early in the run?  Or that they promise that the girls might go topless?
• The word "kinky" is used no less than six times (including in Nancy's line "I want the world to know that Nancy Blansky is kinky"), which seems like a lot for a Garry Marshall show.

"Nancy's Magic Moment" aired on March 12th (except IMDB has it as the third episode).  Here's more than you ever wanted to know about it:

• Well, they're getting their money's worth out of the camel at least, including in the French Foreign Legion number.
• "Ministers applauding a stripper?"  And the surprise there is what?
• They're not very consistent about how many "Beauties" Nancy manages, since it seemed to be ten and then twelve and now it's thirteen.  Or maybe she keeps hiring new ones to represent more of the United States.  (One girl is named "Arkansas," while one is, shudder, "Cochise.")
• No, wait, one of the baker's dozen of coffee orders is for the comic-relief dog, Blackjack.
• They lock the magician's assistant in a closet for one of their nutty schemes, and I'm so exhausted from being outraged by Scott Baio's character's pubescent predatory behavior, I can't manage more than a head-shake at that.
• You might've thought it was physically impossible for 4'11" Nancy Walker to dip 6'5" Herb Edelman for a kiss, but you'd be wrong.
• King Tut reference, didn't they realize that that would date the series in syndication?
• LAS writers Tony DiMarco and David Ketchum wrote this episode.

"Nancy Goes Sheik" aired on March 19th.  Stuff about this one:

• They seem to vary the girls' introductions each episode, which with much sharper writing would've been neat.
• Joey is a lot shyer with women than his cousin Carmine is, or for that matter than his kid brother, "who turns everything into smut."
• They use the word "noogie" on this series a lot.
• Picture this said as suggestively as possible, "I can't wait to meet Sheik Ben-Ali.  I bet I could make his carpet fly."
• Well, there's a crossover I wasn't expecting.  Fred Fox, Jr., who would be Freddie the Bellhop on the "Fabian" episode of LAS that Fall, and Freddie on HD in '79, here plays Marvin the Bellhop for the first of two times.  He'd already written the LAS/HD crossover episode "Excuse Me, May I Cut In" and had recently started his run of twenty-nine HD scripts, all the way into Season Eleven.  Anyway, under the Blansky Law of Relativity, I'm going to assume that Marvin is Freddie's younger cousin.
• Bambi apparently does make the sheik's carpet fly, because he holds her captive so she can become his 33rd wife.  Hilarious, right?
• Nancy gets a "magic lantern" as an apology gift from the sheik after she helps Bambi escape by donning a Farrah wig (don't ask), and Nancy wishes for Rock Hudson.  Oh, Honey, no.
• Arnold Kane didn't write any other Blansky episodes, but he doesn't seem to have settled at any sitcom for long.  But then this is the worst episode so far, like a D or D+ rather than the C- I might give the first four episodes, if I were grading them.

Episodes Six and Seven, "Anthony Falls in Love" (with Bambi) and "Nancy Meets Francie" (Sunshine's mother) did not make it onto this disc, so I can't share any "goodies" from them.  Next up, the coveted "Nancy Meets Laverne"!

"Blansky's Beauties," Episode Number One

I spent too much for a very cheap burn of most of Blansky's Beauties, just to settle my own curiosity and share this very crossover series with my loyal reader(s).  I won't blog in depth until we get to "Nancy Remembers Laverne," but just make notes along the way.

The debut episode, "Blansky's Biking Beauty," aired on February 12, 1977.  Some things of note for LAS fans and other students of Marshallania:

• It sets up the basic premise and characters.  It is also remarkably laugh-free but not as cringey as some short-run '70s sitcoms.
• Eddie Mekka, as Joey DeLuca, is a devoted nephew and assistant to Nancy Blansky.
• He is also friends with a remarkably well-preserved Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly).  Correction, she is a "friend of my cousin Carmine's from Milwaukee."  So did Carmine move back to Milwaukee after Burbank and New York, or does Joey mean that Carmine and Pinky met in Milwaukee?  (Either way, Carmine probably boned her.)
• I knew going into this that sixteen-year-old Scott Baio (playing Joey's twelve-year-old brother Anthony) would hit on the showgirls, but it's still weird to see him ask out a character ("Sunshine") played by Lynda Goodfriend.  Dude, that's your future wife's sister-in-law!  Not cool.
• Garry Marshall directed.

"Death Row - Part II," Scene A

Remember how the script for "The Monastery Show" was somehow worse than what would air?  How bad do you think the script for the second worst episode of the series could be?  Especially with one of the "Monastery" writers flying solo?  Well, it's a little bit worse than what you probably just pictured.  From August 25, 1982, the same day that the Pre-Production Draft was turned in for "The Playboy Show," comes the Final Draft of an ill-conceived and ill-executed second part of a two-parter.

The sets are the usual, you know, "Girls' Living Room," "Cowboy Bill's," "Death Row Cell Block."  We begin at the third listed set, at night:

LAVERNE AND SHEBA ARE LED DOWN THE CELLBLOCK BY KLUGER.  THEY ARE DRESSED IN PRISON GARB AND ARE NO LONGER HANDCUFFED.  THE INMATES ARE HOOTING, HOWLING, WHISTLING, AND IN A NEAR RIOT STATE.  KLUGER BLOWS HER WHISTLE, BUT THE INMATES CONTINUE SCREAMING.  KLUGER PULLS HER GUN AND FIRES OFF A ROUND INTO THE CEILING.  THE INMATES CONTINUE THEIR NOISE.

This is a lot calmer in the filmed version.  And here's the first omitted dialogue:

KLUGER

There's a phone call from the governor.

EVERYONE QUIETS.

KLUGER (CONT'D)

Never fails.  (TO LAVERNE AND SHEBA) So, how do you like your new neighbors?

LAVERNE

I like 'em just the way they are - behind bars.

SHEBA

Aaron told me it would be overcrowded in here, but I didn't know it would smell so rank.  Haven't you ever heard of Lysol?

KLUGER

Sure.  It's the most popular drink on the row.

THE INMATES START IN AGAIN WITH THEIR HOOTING AND HOWLING.  THEY WALLA, "I WANT THE SHORT ONE, I WANT THE TALL ONE."  KLUGER STOPS LAVERNE AND SHEBA IN FRONT OF A CELL.  A BIG, INTIMIDATING WOMAN IS INSIDE THE CELL.  HER NAME IS KILLER.

Then there was some modified dialogue.  Here's how it goes in the script:

KILLER

I want the big one.  With the size of those feet, she'll be able to keep my cell "bug-free."

LAVERNE

(TO KILLER) The only bug I see in your cell, is you.

KILLER

Why don't you come closer and say that.

LAVERNE WALKS TO THE CELL BUT STAYS JUST OUT OF REACH.

LAVERNE

You heard me, bug face.

Instead onscreen Laverne compares Killer to a neighbor she used to call "bug-face," which gets Killer mad, although Laverne is much less confrontational.

The next page and a bit, including Laverne's complaint about the authorities "looking for things in places I never hid nothin'," basically made it in, although Kluger's observation that "bug-face" is "the nicest thing that's been said to [Killer] in twelve years" did not.  And then this was left out:

LAVERNE

(TAKES ONE LOOK AT KILLER.  KILLER SNARLS)  I know teamsters that don't act tougher than her.  How long can I keep it up?

KLUGER

Don't worry.  It's just for a short time.  You're scheduled for tomorrow night.

KLUGER EXITS.

LAVERNE

(CALLING AFTER) Scheduled?  Scheduled for what?  My hair?  My nails?  (BEAT)  Scheduled?  I'm too young to be scheduled.

KILLER APPROACHES LAVERNE AND PUSHES HER AGAINST THE BARS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Listen sister, I've been in and out of prisons all my life. I've made license plates for every state in the union.  Arizona, land of enchantment.  Illinois, land of Lincoln.  Tennessee, land of Slim Whitman.

KILLER

All your life, huh?  I didn't know you could get a tan like that in jail.

LAVERNE

They used to lock me on the roof.  I was too dangerous to be near the other inmates.

KILLER

You don't look that dangerous to me.

KILLER PULLS PACK OF CIGARETTES OUT OF HER POCKET.

KILLER (CONT'D)

Here, want a smoke?

LAVERNE

(LOOKS AT PACK) Uh, I don't like 'em without filters.

KILLER

What's a matter?  A tough girl like you has to have a filter.

LAVERNE

Well, actually, I only smoke cigars.

KILLER PULLS A CIGAR OUT OF HER POCKET.

KILLER

Here you go, sweetie.  It's light up time.

LAVERNE

Well, the only time you should really smoke a cigar is after a good meal.

LAVERNE TAKES THE CIGAR AND PUTS IT IN HER POCKET.

KILLER

What would you like?

LAVERNE

I'd kill for a Twinkie.

In the filmed version, Killer explains that Laverne can't do anything without her permission, while Laverne cowers.  The "Twinkie" line made it in though and closes out the scene.  Here's the rest of the scene in the script:

KILLER CROSSES TO A PILE OF STONES IN A CORNER OF THE CELL.  SHE REMOVES SOME ROCKS AND PULLS OUT A TWINKIE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Thanks.   How did you get this?

KILLER

I killed for it.

LAVERNE REACHES FOR THE TWINKIE, BUT KILLER PULLS IT AWAY.

KILLER (CONT'D)

Not so fast.  That'll be five bucks.

LAVERNE

(WHINES) Five bucks? (BACK TO TOUGH) You took the shower.  Where would I have five bucks?

KILLER

That's tough.  Pay up.

LAVERNE

What do you think this is, my first time in the slammer?  Give me that twinkie, or I'll teach you a lesson that you'll never forget.

LAVERNE POKES KILLER.  KILLER CROSSES TO THE BUNK BEDS AND PULLS OUT A PIECE OF IRON PIPE.  SHE SLAPS IT AGAINST HER HAND.

KILLER

A lesson, huh?  You mean like breaking every bone in my body and making me thank you for the honor?

LAVERNE REACTS AND STEPS BACK.

LAVERNE

Maybe.

KILLER

You mean like rearranging every part of my body so that I'd have to stand on my head just to see straight?

LAVERNE

Not exactly.

LAVERNE CONTINUES TO BACK UP.  KILLER FOLLOWS HER.

KILLER

You mean like making me scream in pain to the tune of "Jailhouse Rock"?

LAVERNE RUNS OUT OF SPACE AND STANDS WITH HER BACK TO THE WALL.  KILLER MEETS HER FACE TO FACE AND SLAPS THE PIPE IN FRONT OF HER FACE.

LAVERNE

Boy are you lucky.  I have this hot Italian temper.  I flare up and then cool off (SNAPS FINGERS) just like that.  Lucky for you, huh?

KILLER

You're a twit.  Here, take the twinkie and shut up.

LAVERNE TAKES THE TWINKIE.  KILLER GOES TO HER BED.  LAVERNE MOVES TO A CORNER OF THE CELL AND SITS ON THE FLOOR.  SHE OPENS UP HER TWINKIE, BUT A HUGE HAND FROM THE ADJOINING CELL REACHES IN AND GRABS IT FROM HER.  LAVERNE REACTS.

LAVERNE

Hey, that's my...

LAVERNE REACTS AS IF SHE IS LOOKING AT A HUGE MONSTER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Try sucking the cream out first.  It's more fun.

LAVERNE RETURNS TO HER SPOT ON THE FLOOR.  SHE IS A BROKEN WOMAN.

LAVERNE

I wish Shirley were here.  (BEAT)  Instead of me.

Thoughts, sort of in order:

1. I'll get back to this later, but this script is racist.  Making the mostly Black inmates (and that they are Black will be strongly implied by a later scene) on the edge of rioting is more offensive than what we'd see onscreen (and that's saying something).  Yes, Killer is white but she's also more of an individual, rather than part of a mob that acts like a pack of wild animals.
2. Kluger is more sadistic in the script, like when she asks how they "like their new neighbors."
3. The Lysol joke, what the what?
4. Also, when did Sheba and Aaron discuss Death Row, and where is he during this?  Changing his name to Rick West and hiding out off-Broadway?
5. Are the inmates predatory lesbians or am I reading that into it?  Killer just wants Laverne for her big feet and her nonexistent five bucks.  (Anne Ramsey had not yet been cast as of this draft, but she's not really big, although intimidating.)
6. Laverne is more defiant at first in the script than onscreen, which makes her "breaking" all the more painful.
7. Boy, LeRose and Ed Solomon have this thing about Laverne being clueless, as in "Monastery," here with her not realizing that, since she's on death row, that might have something to do with what she's being scheduled for.
8. Is Killer a former cigarette girl?  What's she doing pushing all the tobacco products?
9. Killer literally killed for a Twinkie.
10. LeRose apparently thinks cavity searches are hilarious.
11. Killer is tough in the episode, but she doesn't threaten Laverne with an iron pipe!
12. Killer would torture Laverne to the tune of Elvis.
13. LeRose's version of Laverne is such a twit that a woman named Killer decides she's not worth beating up.
14. The woman in the neighboring cell is even scarier than Killer.
15. Laverne is a broken woman, and LeRose will be back to break her further in December.
16. If Shirley were here, Laverne wouldn't have befriended Sheba and ended up on Death Row.  Or Shirley would've got her sprung, like she did from the shoplifting charge back in Milwaukee.
17. This script is already off to an unfunny, tasteless start, and I'm afraid it's not going to get any better.