"Death Row - Part II," Scene H

The final scene of this script is set on Death Row, at night:

LAVERNE IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.  SHEBA IS ON HER BUNK.

LAVERNE

You know it would be real easy to tunnel out of here except for one thing.  We're on the eighth floor.

SHEBA

(CROSSING TO LAVERNE) You can't give up hope, Laverne.  Think about Susan Hayward in "I Want to Live."

LAVERNE

They killed her in that movie.

SHEBA

Oh, yeah, not Susan Hayward.  I meant Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music."

KLUGER APPROACHES WITH A PRIEST.

KLUGER

(OPENING CELL DOOR) Smith, it's time.

LAVERNE

(BACKING INTO THE CORNER) Time?  What do you mean time?

In the filmed version, both girls are looking out the window, and Laverne hopes that's the governor's car, but it's a hearse.  And they argue over who will go first.

The rest of the dialogue mostly made it in intact. Here's the description of the jaw-dropping musical number:

THE PRIEST BEGINS A SLOW BLUES NUMBER THAT SOON TURNS INTO A GOSPEL ROCKER WITH ALL THE GUARDS, INMATES, AND LAVERNE JOINING IN.  THE SONG ENDS.

Laverne's line, "You don't wanna put me in that chamber!  Think of what you'll save on your gas bill!" was dropped.

Frank was supposed to "drag a man wearing pajamas," but he enters alone and then the judge follows in sleepwear.   Sylvia's father was "Harold Berman" in the script rather than the marginally funnier "Herman Berman."  And instead of a reprise of the gospel number after Laverne exits, the closing line was the "Inmates" yelling, "Shut up.  We're working on our novels!"

There is no tag in this version, which I guess is another way that the filmed episode is worse.  (Except for Carverne shippers of course.)

A few thoughts:

• "Monastery" also refers to Julie Andrews in Sound of Music.  I doubt she would've been flattered.
• I don't know who wrote the gospel number (one hopes it was not McKean), and under other circumstances, it might've been OK.  But here?  Seriously?  A place where Laverne could sit down?  Like in the electric chair?
• I realize that it doesn't specify that the priest and inmates who sing it would be Black (Laverne, Sheba, and Killer aside), but blues and gospel are traditionally African-American genres of music, and that is in fact how the roles were cast.  The Black women are treated like props, rather than individualized and respected as they are at Frank & Edna's wedding.  It's a subtler form of racism than "Chinamen," but I don't think I'm just reacting to it with 21st-century sensibilities.
• The "gas bill" line is not quite as offensive as Rhonda's line about Laverne having a gas is.
• The line about writing in prison is more '60s than '80s but is a particularly weak one to end on.  Then again, how could anyone decently close this episode?

In a different way than the "Monastery" script, this script shows a remarkable lack of insight into not just the established characters (especially Laverne) but human nature, humor, or screenwriting.  I realize that this is "only" the Final Draft, but, as with "Monastery," I'm baffled that this got past more than the plot-bunny stage.  I can look at some C- episodes, like the one with Charles Grodin, and see the potential for entertainment, even if the execution is disappointing.  We've got the script for "How's Your Sister?" ahead of us (not just yet), and I will look to see what worked and what didn't at an earlier stage of development than the finished product.  

But, really, even in Season Eight, how could they think that America wanted a beloved character like Laverne to go to Death Row?  Even Dabney Coleman's title character in Buffalo Bill (1983-84) wouldn't have merited such treatment, and that was a much darker comedy than Laverne & Shirley.  That they're attempting to play this as still goofy comedy only makes matters worse.

Luckily, there was an oasis in the desert of LAS's final season, a story that taught us why we should not feed the buzzards....