"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene A

So, you know how "Please Don't Feed the Buzzards" was the last Michael McKean episode to air?  Well, that's not how it was intended.  In fact, our story begins several months earlier, with the Final Draft on September 9, 1982.

Notice anything about the cast list?  And I don't mean that Kosnowski and Ragusa are definitely Z-less, but Squiggy still gets one G and two N's in his last name.  There's a certain name, second from the top, that may surprise you.  Remember, this was a couple weeks after the "Death Row II" script had Laverne wishing Shirley were there.  Was there a possibility Cindy was coming back after all?  Or is this a vestigial trait from an even earlier draft?

We begin in the Girls' Apartment, during the Day:

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.  {Squee!}  THE GIRLS ARE CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS.  LENNY CARRIES A SUITCASE.  THEY ALL HAVE JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING AT A SWAP MEET.

SHIRLEY

Now that's what I call a successful swap meet.  Three dollars for an original copy of Elvis singing "Hound Dog."

SHIRLEY CROSSES TO THE RECORD PLAYER AND PUTS HER RECORD ON.  WE HEAR:

RECORD (V.O.)

(RECORD SKIPPING) "YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T..."

SHIRLEY

I didn't know he stuttered on his earlier recordings.

LAVERNE

Garbage, Shirl.  You bought garbage.

LENNY

We was gonna buy garbage, but it was too expensive.

For some reason, none of this made it in, and instead Laverne is alone onscreen and spring-cleaning when the boys show up with their "boss suitcase."  The part about Amelia Earhard (Shirley's "correction" of "Emelio Airhead") made it in, with that line going to Laverne, who kept the line about Amelia being lost forty years ago, although it was more like thirty at the time that Season Eight takes place.

Then came this:

SQUIGGY

And what did you buy that's so special, Captain History?

LAVERNE REACHES INTO HER BAG AND PULLS OUT A BLONDE "MARILYN MONROE-TYPE" WIG

SHIRLEY

Laverne, what a lovely dust cloth.

LAVERNE

Dust cloth?  This wig was worn by Marilyn Monroe in "Some Like It Hot."  Look.

LAVERNE PUTS ON WIG, STRIKES A POSE, THE BOYS GO WILD, "RONNIE", ETC.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(TAKING OFF WIG) You're right, Shirl.  This'll make a lovely dust cloth.

SQUIGGY

Aw, put it back on... Put it back on.  Put it back on.

LAVERNE

(PICKING UP SHOPPING BAG) I'm taking my Marilyn Monroe dust cloth, (PULLS OUT RED-HAIRED WIG) and my Susan Hayward floor mop.  Go back to the swap meet and try to sell them to a janitor.  (MOVES TOWARD DOOR)

SHIRLEY

Wait.  (PULLING RECORDS OUT OF SHOPPING BAG) I'm coming with you.  I want to sell my set of Elvis coasters.

THE GIRLS EXIT.

SQUIGGY

Rude women.  Leaving us alone.

LENNY

Yeah.  And not so much as a "get outta here."  (INDICATING SUITCASE) But, at least we got a new place to store our bacon grease.  Things was gettin' pretty sticky in the bathtub.

SQUIGGY

True.  True.  But that grease was a gift horse on lonely nights.

Then the part about Lenny opening up the suitcase and hoping to find a ticket to "Hulalulu" was kept, along with the most of the rest of the remaining two pages, but I would've loved to have had this little gem, after Lenny says "Padre" was probably sorry he made the treasure so hard to find:

SQUIGGY

Not that hard.  Where can you find cactus and sand together?

LENNY

The beach?

SQUIGGY

No wonder you never tan.

Thoughts:

• Core Four!  Oh, my little heart!
• And how cute is it that they all went to the swap meet together?  I only wish there was a scene with that.
• Instead of the pain of Killer threatening to torture Laverne to Elvis, here Shirley buys a set of warped Elvis records.  (A symbol of how much had changed since the '50s?)
• "We was gonna buy garbage," of course you were, Sweetie.  You almost bought a garbage truck instead of an ice cream truck.
• I don't even care that Andy Goldberg and Cheryl Alu are saying that Marilyn wore a wig in Some Like It Hot.  Laverne puts on the wig and strikes a pose (a sexy pose obvs) and the boys go wild!  They Ronnie!  They etc.!
• Squiggy is the one who verbalizes his lust more.  Is Lenny's hand still jammed into his own mouth?  What would they have done over the red Susan Hayward wig?
• Also, I don't know what this does for the Lenny = mop theory, but there you go.
• The boys are offended that the girls don't even have the common courtesy to stay and kick them out.
• Oh dear, bacon grease in the bathtub?  That's, well, in character.
• As is whatever the hell Squiggy does with it to ease his loneliness.
• The "tan" exchange is just so perfect.

This is a delightful start, and I'm not just saying that because it's in Season Eight.