"Death Row - Part II," Scene D

Act Two also opens in the Death Row Cell, "later that day."  And guess what?  Everybody doing "Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!" was added!  Definitely a case of something being worse than this script, which is impressive.  Kluger locks everybody back up and says she'll miss "Jones."  Oh, and Sheba's suggestion that Laverne braid her hair comes here, while as the scene opens in the script, "Laverne is pacing," and "Sheba is seated on a bed, braiding her own hair."  

The first page of this scene's dialogue comes next, although they left out Killer saying, "My second husband - may he rest in peace- wouldn't get me a beer."  Also, Sheba talking about fallout was added.

Here's what happened in the script after Lenny and Squiggy enter.

SQUIGGY 

Hello, Ladies, we're back.

WE HEAR APPLAUSE RADIATE FROM THE JAIL CELLS.  FROM HER POSITION LAVERNE CAN'T SEE THE COMMOTION.  SHE TURNS TO KILLER IN THE ADJOINING CELL.

LAVERNE

What's going on?

KILLER

It's a couple idiots the warden lets in to help boost morale.  They're supposed to remind us of what we're not missing on the outside.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY STROLL DOWN THE ROW CARRYING A BOX, PASSING OUT CHOCOLATES, NYLONS AND ASSORTED GOODIES.  THEY THROW THE ITEMS THROUGH THE BARS LIKE A SIDEWAYS FRISBEE.

SQUIGGY

How do you like our new style, girls?  It's all in the wrist.

LENNY

Yeah.  We spent a whole week practicing at the zoo.

Onscreen, Killer and the other women are happy to see the boys, but they don't applaud them.  Squiggy banters with them, and they don't treat the women like animals at a zoo.

Some of the dialogue for their reunion with Laverne was kept, but interestingly, Lenny does not exclaim her name, and there's definitely no kissing in the script.  Squiggy saying that he knew she was desperate to meet men but should do it in bars, not behind bars was added.

This was left out:

LAVERNE

Am I glad to see you guys.  I'm in big trouble.

LENNY

Well, it's no surprise.  Just the other day I was asking Squig just who do we know that might be a mass murderer.

LAVERNE

Will you please shut up and listen to me.

SQUIGGY

Too late for talk Laverne.  I tell you, Len, you leave 'em alone for two minutes and they end up on Death Row.

The part about her saying they've got to tell her pop, and Lenny saying they try not to meddle in family affairs is straight from the script.  Then they added Laverne pleading with them to tell her father, and Squiggy (demonstrating with Lenny) why he's afraid of Frank's temper.  Then Laverne suggests writing a note, and we get one of the few actually decent lines on the filmed version, Lenny's about the "six-foot Pole."

Squiggy offering Sheba "goodies" is from the script but reworded (probably by Lander).  Lenny suggesting that they tell Frank in person since Laverne might really be in trouble was added, I'm guessing by McKean, although Squiggy convinces him to drop the note in the mailbox and have Frank beat up the mailman.  Wanna know how the last page of the scene goes in the script?  OK, if you're sure....

LAVERNE

Guys, I'm in serious trouble.   You gotta go get my Pop!

LENNY

Laverne, why don't you think about someone other than yourself for a change.  It would kill the man if he knew what you did.

LAVERNE

But I didn't do anything.  I'm innocent!

SQUIGGY

Innocent.  Sure.  Sure.  I suppose you're just here for the free Johnny Cash Concerts...  Well, Laverne, we'd love to chat but Cell #18 needs a boost in the old morale.

LENNY

Bye, Laverne.  We'll take care of your mail.

THE BOYS EXIT.

LAVERNE

It's bad enough dying, but do the last two men I see on this Earth have to be Lenny and Squiggy???  (LOOKS HEAVENWARD)

Things that are wrong with this scene that weren't in the script:

• Laverne leading everyone in her childhood chant with Shirley
• Squiggy's easy!Laverne line about meeting men
• Squiggy beating up Lenny to prove a point
• Squiggy convincing Lenny to forget his moment of compassion and just mail the note so the poor mailman can be beat up instead

Things that are wrong with this scene that were in the script but got cut before filming:

• Killer explaining Lenny and Squiggy's presence in a way that is insulting, illogical, and unfunny
• Lenny comparing the inmates to zoo animals, to their faces
• Lenny and Squiggy discussing who among their friends is most likely to be a mass murderer and agreeing that it would be Laverne
• Squiggy being both heartless and blasé about Laverne being on Death Row
• Lenny accusing Laverne of self-centeredness for wanting to upset her father (as if Frank wouldn't notice that Laverne is on Death Row unless someone told him)
• Both boys refusing to believe in Laverne's innocence
• The utter betrayal of Laverne's close friendship with the boys, which has grown and evolved for seven seasons
• The not merely sinking but the setting on fire of the most precious ship of the series
• Oh, and the fact that this scene doesn't particularly advance the plot, while onscreen Lenny at least takes the note