"Death Row - Part II," Scene B

Let's go to the "girls' apartment" (yes, still plural), that "same night."  As filmed, Rhonda says "Hi ho" and calls to Laverne that it's time to go to a premiere of a James Bond movie, while Carmine, in his usual wardrobe, holds a picnic basket.  Carmine says Laverne wouldn't leave without him since she likes to climb on someone, and he hopes she won't wear spiked heels again.  Rhonda hopes Sean Connery will notice her, including her name and number on the back of her T-shirt.  Carmine briefly turns on the news and of course (under the Gilligan Rule of Broadcasting) hears that the governor has refused a pardon for prisoners Smith and Jones.  Rhonda and Carmine leave and he hopes Laverne won't climb on somebody she doesn't know.  Rhonda says it wouldn't be the first time, because by Season Eight even Rhonda can slut-shame Laverne.

But if you think that's bad, hoo-boy, here's how it went in the script:

THE APARTMENT IS EMPTY.  CARMINE KNOCKS AND THEN ENTERS.  HE IS DRESSED WITH A SKI MASK, A SKI HAT ON TOP OF THAT, TWO SKI JACKETS AND A SCARF.  HE CARRIES TWO PAIRS OF SKIS, SKI POLES, BOOTS, CRUTCHES, A CANE AND AN EQUIPMENT BAG.  HE STRUGGLES IN THE DOOR.

CARMINE

Laverne?  Laverne?  How do you like that after all the trouble I went through for her.

CARMINE DROPS THE EQUIPMENT, TAKES OFF THE HAT, MASK, THE TWO JACKETS, THE SCARF AND HIS PANTS. HE'S GOT A CAST ON EACH LEG.  AS HE BENDS OVER IN HIS UNDERWEAR, AND BEGINS TO UNFASTEN THE CASTS, RHONDA ENTERS.

RHONDA

Hi ho, Rhonda time.  (SPOTS CARMINE) Well, I hope I have this kind of luck where I'm going tonight.

CARMINE, EMBARRASSED, SCURRIES BEHIND THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS PANTS BACK ON.

CARMINE

There's all the stuff you and Laverne wanted.  What are you gonna do with all of this?

RHONDA

Well, tonight's the International Ski Instructor's Convention.  So we're just putting the skis on the car to look professional.

CARMINE

What's with the cast and crutches?

RHONDA SLIPS A CAST ON HER LEG AND STRIKES A SEXY POSE.

RHONDA

Lots of sandy-haired instructors will be there.  Could you keep your hands off this kind of vulnerability?

CARMINE

At ease, Rhonda.  You're making me forget I'm a decent man.

RHONDA

See what I mean?  (TOWARDS UPSTAIRS) Laverne?  Time to go.  Laverne.

CARMINE

Don't bother.  She's not here.

RHONDA

Gee, all those cute guys, it's not like her to miss something like this.  Well, Rhonda doesn't really want to go alone.  What're you doing tonight?

CARMINE

Forget it.  Skiing doesn't interest me.

RHONDA

The French women's ski team will be there.

CARMINE

I think I just heard my leg snap.

CARMINE SLIPS ON THE OTHER CAST.

RHONDA

And the Swedish women's team will show how to ski in bikinis without getting goosebumps.

CARMING

(GRABBING THE BACK OF HIS NECK) There goes the old whiplash.

CARMINE REACHES INTO THE BAG, PULLS OUT A NECK BRACE AND SLIPS IT ON.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

(GETS ON CRUTCHES AND OFFERS RHONDA HIS ARM)  Shall we?

RHONDA TAKES CARMINE'S ARM AND THEY HOBBLE TOWARD THE DOOR.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

I don't know why Laverne didn't get home.  But she must be doin' something that's a lot of fun.

RHONDA

Yeah.  Whatever she's doing is probably a gas.

CARMINE AND RHONDA EXIT.

A few thoughts:

• I'm sorry, why is Carmine in his underwear?  Excuse me, why is he bending over in his underwear?
• Does this scene count as Carhonda or is it too weird and sleazy?  ("Hello."  No, don't worry, there will be a Lenny & Squiggy entrance in this script.  I bet you can't wait.)
• "I don't know why Laverne didn't get home."  Um, Carmine, do you remember that group of people in her living room that you were suspicious of on Part I?  Could they possibly have something to do with this?
• There are arguably more tasteless lines that actually made it onto the air (*cough*theytootedthebighorn*cough*), but I think Rhonda's exit line is a strong contender for most tasteless rejected line, even in a script chockful of goodies.