"Death Row - Part II," Scene A

Remember how the script for "The Monastery Show" was somehow worse than what would air?  How bad do you think the script for the second worst episode of the series could be?  Especially with one of the "Monastery" writers flying solo?  Well, it's a little bit worse than what you probably just pictured.  From August 25, 1982, the same day that the Pre-Production Draft was turned in for "The Playboy Show," comes the Final Draft of an ill-conceived and ill-executed second part of a two-parter.

The sets are the usual, you know, "Girls' Living Room," "Cowboy Bill's," "Death Row Cell Block."  We begin at the third listed set, at night:

LAVERNE AND SHEBA ARE LED DOWN THE CELLBLOCK BY KLUGER.  THEY ARE DRESSED IN PRISON GARB AND ARE NO LONGER HANDCUFFED.  THE INMATES ARE HOOTING, HOWLING, WHISTLING, AND IN A NEAR RIOT STATE.  KLUGER BLOWS HER WHISTLE, BUT THE INMATES CONTINUE SCREAMING.  KLUGER PULLS HER GUN AND FIRES OFF A ROUND INTO THE CEILING.  THE INMATES CONTINUE THEIR NOISE.

This is a lot calmer in the filmed version.  And here's the first omitted dialogue:

KLUGER

There's a phone call from the governor.

EVERYONE QUIETS.

KLUGER (CONT'D)

Never fails.  (TO LAVERNE AND SHEBA) So, how do you like your new neighbors?

LAVERNE

I like 'em just the way they are - behind bars.

SHEBA

Aaron told me it would be overcrowded in here, but I didn't know it would smell so rank.  Haven't you ever heard of Lysol?

KLUGER

Sure.  It's the most popular drink on the row.

THE INMATES START IN AGAIN WITH THEIR HOOTING AND HOWLING.  THEY WALLA, "I WANT THE SHORT ONE, I WANT THE TALL ONE."  KLUGER STOPS LAVERNE AND SHEBA IN FRONT OF A CELL.  A BIG, INTIMIDATING WOMAN IS INSIDE THE CELL.  HER NAME IS KILLER.

Then there was some modified dialogue.  Here's how it goes in the script:

KILLER

I want the big one.  With the size of those feet, she'll be able to keep my cell "bug-free."

LAVERNE

(TO KILLER) The only bug I see in your cell, is you.

KILLER

Why don't you come closer and say that.

LAVERNE WALKS TO THE CELL BUT STAYS JUST OUT OF REACH.

LAVERNE

You heard me, bug face.

Instead onscreen Laverne compares Killer to a neighbor she used to call "bug-face," which gets Killer mad, although Laverne is much less confrontational.

The next page and a bit, including Laverne's complaint about the authorities "looking for things in places I never hid nothin'," basically made it in, although Kluger's observation that "bug-face" is "the nicest thing that's been said to [Killer] in twelve years" did not.  And then this was left out:

LAVERNE

(TAKES ONE LOOK AT KILLER.  KILLER SNARLS)  I know teamsters that don't act tougher than her.  How long can I keep it up?

KLUGER

Don't worry.  It's just for a short time.  You're scheduled for tomorrow night.

KLUGER EXITS.

LAVERNE

(CALLING AFTER) Scheduled?  Scheduled for what?  My hair?  My nails?  (BEAT)  Scheduled?  I'm too young to be scheduled.

KILLER APPROACHES LAVERNE AND PUSHES HER AGAINST THE BARS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Listen sister, I've been in and out of prisons all my life. I've made license plates for every state in the union.  Arizona, land of enchantment.  Illinois, land of Lincoln.  Tennessee, land of Slim Whitman.

KILLER

All your life, huh?  I didn't know you could get a tan like that in jail.

LAVERNE

They used to lock me on the roof.  I was too dangerous to be near the other inmates.

KILLER

You don't look that dangerous to me.

KILLER PULLS PACK OF CIGARETTES OUT OF HER POCKET.

KILLER (CONT'D)

Here, want a smoke?

LAVERNE

(LOOKS AT PACK) Uh, I don't like 'em without filters.

KILLER

What's a matter?  A tough girl like you has to have a filter.

LAVERNE

Well, actually, I only smoke cigars.

KILLER PULLS A CIGAR OUT OF HER POCKET.

KILLER

Here you go, sweetie.  It's light up time.

LAVERNE

Well, the only time you should really smoke a cigar is after a good meal.

LAVERNE TAKES THE CIGAR AND PUTS IT IN HER POCKET.

KILLER

What would you like?

LAVERNE

I'd kill for a Twinkie.

In the filmed version, Killer explains that Laverne can't do anything without her permission, while Laverne cowers.  The "Twinkie" line made it in though and closes out the scene.  Here's the rest of the scene in the script:

KILLER CROSSES TO A PILE OF STONES IN A CORNER OF THE CELL.  SHE REMOVES SOME ROCKS AND PULLS OUT A TWINKIE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Thanks.   How did you get this?

KILLER

I killed for it.

LAVERNE REACHES FOR THE TWINKIE, BUT KILLER PULLS IT AWAY.

KILLER (CONT'D)

Not so fast.  That'll be five bucks.

LAVERNE

(WHINES) Five bucks? (BACK TO TOUGH) You took the shower.  Where would I have five bucks?

KILLER

That's tough.  Pay up.

LAVERNE

What do you think this is, my first time in the slammer?  Give me that twinkie, or I'll teach you a lesson that you'll never forget.

LAVERNE POKES KILLER.  KILLER CROSSES TO THE BUNK BEDS AND PULLS OUT A PIECE OF IRON PIPE.  SHE SLAPS IT AGAINST HER HAND.

KILLER

A lesson, huh?  You mean like breaking every bone in my body and making me thank you for the honor?

LAVERNE REACTS AND STEPS BACK.

LAVERNE

Maybe.

KILLER

You mean like rearranging every part of my body so that I'd have to stand on my head just to see straight?

LAVERNE

Not exactly.

LAVERNE CONTINUES TO BACK UP.  KILLER FOLLOWS HER.

KILLER

You mean like making me scream in pain to the tune of "Jailhouse Rock"?

LAVERNE RUNS OUT OF SPACE AND STANDS WITH HER BACK TO THE WALL.  KILLER MEETS HER FACE TO FACE AND SLAPS THE PIPE IN FRONT OF HER FACE.

LAVERNE

Boy are you lucky.  I have this hot Italian temper.  I flare up and then cool off (SNAPS FINGERS) just like that.  Lucky for you, huh?

KILLER

You're a twit.  Here, take the twinkie and shut up.

LAVERNE TAKES THE TWINKIE.  KILLER GOES TO HER BED.  LAVERNE MOVES TO A CORNER OF THE CELL AND SITS ON THE FLOOR.  SHE OPENS UP HER TWINKIE, BUT A HUGE HAND FROM THE ADJOINING CELL REACHES IN AND GRABS IT FROM HER.  LAVERNE REACTS.

LAVERNE

Hey, that's my...

LAVERNE REACTS AS IF SHE IS LOOKING AT A HUGE MONSTER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Try sucking the cream out first.  It's more fun.

LAVERNE RETURNS TO HER SPOT ON THE FLOOR.  SHE IS A BROKEN WOMAN.

LAVERNE

I wish Shirley were here.  (BEAT)  Instead of me.

Thoughts, sort of in order:

1. I'll get back to this later, but this script is racist.  Making the mostly Black inmates (and that they are Black will be strongly implied by a later scene) on the edge of rioting is more offensive than what we'd see onscreen (and that's saying something).  Yes, Killer is white but she's also more of an individual, rather than part of a mob that acts like a pack of wild animals.
2. Kluger is more sadistic in the script, like when she asks how they "like their new neighbors."
3. The Lysol joke, what the what?
4. Also, when did Sheba and Aaron discuss Death Row, and where is he during this?  Changing his name to Rick West and hiding out off-Broadway?
5. Are the inmates predatory lesbians or am I reading that into it?  Killer just wants Laverne for her big feet and her nonexistent five bucks.  (Anne Ramsey had not yet been cast as of this draft, but she's not really big, although intimidating.)
6. Laverne is more defiant at first in the script than onscreen, which makes her "breaking" all the more painful.
7. Boy, LeRose and Ed Solomon have this thing about Laverne being clueless, as in "Monastery," here with her not realizing that, since she's on death row, that might have something to do with what she's being scheduled for.
8. Is Killer a former cigarette girl?  What's she doing pushing all the tobacco products?
9. Killer literally killed for a Twinkie.
10. LeRose apparently thinks cavity searches are hilarious.
11. Killer is tough in the episode, but she doesn't threaten Laverne with an iron pipe!
12. Killer would torture Laverne to the tune of Elvis.
13. LeRose's version of Laverne is such a twit that a woman named Killer decides she's not worth beating up.
14. The woman in the neighboring cell is even scarier than Killer.
15. Laverne is a broken woman, and LeRose will be back to break her further in December.
16. If Shirley were here, Laverne wouldn't have befriended Sheba and ended up on Death Row.  Or Shirley would've got her sprung, like she did from the shoplifting charge back in Milwaukee.
17. This script is already off to an unfunny, tasteless start, and I'm afraid it's not going to get any better.