"Testing, Testing," Scenes C through H

They added a transitional bit of a stock shot of the girls, with Laverne worrying in voiceover and Shirley reassuring her and telling her about the written tests and individual talks.  But Scene C starts out like we'd see onscreen, "immediately outside the breakroom - next morning."

The lines when Laverne moves over to sit next to Shirley were added.  Lenny telling Squiggy, "Oh, I copied your house, too," appears to be an adlib, as does his "Uh-oh" after Squiggy says he drew a slum.

Shirley's "What's the matter, Laverne?" was improved to "What is up your nose, anyway?"  (Which became the title of an improv game show.  I kid.)  The boys' amusement was not in the script, and it looks genuine.

They dropped these stage directions after Shirley says that she's sure the psychiatrist is "only interested in helping his fellow man":

A MAN COMES OUT OF THE DOOR WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY [sic].  HE RUNS DOWN THE HALL.  THE PSYCHIATRIST ENTERS.

We next get the scene with Squiggy and the doctor, which opens Act Two.  In the script, Squiggy says he was a "ragamuffin" as a kid, which was Landerized to "racket-muffin" for filming.  They left out him calling the question about what a man is "stupid."  Otherwise, those wonderful Squiggy lines were already set by this point.

We return to the "breakroom hallway - a few moments later."  They left out Lenny telling Dr. Gentry, "You can't have me.  I'm coming down with a hernia."

The scene was supposed to end with Squiggy's exit line "Well, I can't chat anymore.  I got a lot of under-achieving that needs to be done."  Instead, Laverne tells Shirley they're next and they go to commercial, maybe because Scene B was shortened so much that Act One ends later in the final version.

Scene H is set in the "breakroom - a few moments later."  (These are really long moments in my opinion.)  This scene is intact, although the way Michael McKean interprets "Lenny thinks.  He keeps thinking, he's still thinking" could only be done by him.

I wonder why they dropped the upset man.  I mean, they had already cast the actor.  Maybe they felt there was reason enough for the four friends to be nervous.  Or maybe it was too much of a contradiction of how likable Dr. Gentry comes across.

My main thought is I wish I could see an earlier version of this script, to see how much was added by the cast in rehearsals.  Which is not to take away from the contributions of writers Kenny Rich and Chris Thompson.  This is a very solid script and it led to one of the best episodes of the series.

"Testing, Testing," Scenes A and B

Act One opens in the "breakroom - day."  In the script, Squiggy ends the news with "Good night, Len, and goodnight Mom," but onscreen the second half of the line was improved to him saying goodnight to "Mr. and Mrs. America and all the shrimps at sea."  Other than Squiggy getting Lenny's line about not making up the news, the first scene is otherwise intact.

The next scene is set in the "girls' apartment - night."  The opening dialogue was skipped:

CARMINE

Why do you think they're giving you guys psychological tests?

SHIRLEY

Isn't it obvious?  We're essential personnel.  Probably for security reasons.  They always test those guys who work on the A-bombs.

LAVERNE

I'm a bottlecapper.  If I went nuts, the worst I could do is blow up a six-pack.

Most of the part of the scene after Laverne says it's none of the brewery's business what she thinks was omitted:

LAVERNE TRIES TO EAT HER EAR OF CORN.  IT IS DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL FOR HER TO HOLD IT.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, the outcome of your test won't mean diddily squat to the boss.

LAVERNE

You sure?  I heard sales were down and a bunch of people were fired.

SHIRLEY

Nobody gets fired because of a psychological test.

CARMINE

Isaac Mulligan took one of those tests and was fired the next day.

SHIRLEY

(TO CARMINE) Would you shut up, please.

LAVERNE IS TRYING TO EAT THE CORN WHILE IT SITS ON THE PLATE.

SHIRLEY AND CARMINE EACH HOLD ONE END OF THE EAR OF CORN.  LAVERNE EATS WHILE CARMINE TALKS.

CARMINE

Did you know Isaac Mulligan?

SHIRLEY

Sure.  He worked for the wax fruit factory.  I think he was in grapes.

CARMINE

For fifteen years.  The man could make a terrific grape... no seams...

LAVERNE

Turn.

THEY TURN LAVERNE'S COB.

CARMINE

A month ago the company gives everybody these psychological tests.  (TO LAVERNE) Do you want salt?

CARMINE SALTS THE CORN.  LAVERNE REACTS.

CARMINE

The results came in and this shrink they hired says Isaac don't have the right personality to work in wax fruit.

LAVERNE

Turn.

CARMINE

So, Isaac gets the old pink slip.

LAVERNE REACTS AND BITES SHIRLEY'S FINGER.  SHIRLEY DROPS LAVERNE'S CORN.

LAVERNE

Sorry.  (TO CARMINE) What's he doin' now?

CARMINE

He free lances in wax lips.  But they keep coming out small and green and round.

All they kept was Carmine first mentioning Isaac.  Then they jumped to the part of the script where Shirley says, "It's always the little guy."  The very last part of the scene was also dropped, after Shirley says that she and Laverne are good bottlecappers and good human beings:

SHIRLEY

...Now I want to propose a toast.

THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES.  LAVERNE PICKS HERS UP IN HER TEETH.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

To Isaac Mulligan.

CARMINE

To seamless grapes.

LAVERNE

(INTO JUICE GLASS, BUBBLES) To green lips.

THEY DRINK.  LAVERNE TILTS HER HEAD BACK AND THE JUICE RUNS DOWN HER FACE.  AS THEY CLEAN HER UP WE [dissolve to the next scene].

A couple thoughts:

• I can see why this all got left out.  I mean, it's kind of funny and it gives Carmine more to do on a brewery-focused episode, but it doesn't really advance the plot.  But, yeah, we learn a lot more about Isaac than we do on the episode.
• The physical humor with the corn is also cute, especially that Carmine and Shirley are helping to feed Laverne after her injury.  But again, there's no big loss here.

"Testing, Testing" introduction

On October 9, 1979, a little over two months before "Testing, Testing" aired, its Revised Shooting Script was done, and there would be changes.  But first, some bonus content....

No, the "patient" character was not on the aired episode.  There is a Michael LeGlaire at IMDB, but he had only two roles, in '67 and '70.  No real surprises with the costumes though, other than they decided to save paper by putting David L. Lander's wardrobe on Michael McKean's sheet.

"One Heckuva Note," Scenes J and K

We're at the girls' apartment at night again, but "back to the present."  This was omitted:

LAVERNE

...Go ahead beat me black and blue.

SHIRLEY

It's gonna be difficult from this position.

LAVERNE CLOSES HER EYES AND CRINGES.  SHIRLEY THINKS ABOUT HITTING HER.  THEY PEAK [sic] AT EACH OTHER.  SHIRLEY DROPS HER FISTS.

But they did keep Laverne saying (on her feet onscreen) that Shirley should smack her around.

They added Laverne saying that Ronnie Morehead gave her his I.D. bracelet and she was in love with him.  Also, the girls were supposed to wrestle again at the end of the scene, but onscreen Laverne chases Shirley into the bedroom.

The tag has the same setting, but the "next evening."  Laverne drying her painted nails with a 45 record was not in the script.

In the script, the only thing Carmine told Shirley he remembers about Laverne's story is Laverne's "sweaty palms," which became her "droopy nose" for filming.  Laverne was supposed to run into the bathroom after hanging up.

These last two scenes are like the first four, in that they're not drastically different from what we'd see on the air.  It is of course Scene H that is the real surprise in the script.  Well, that and Booboo Kitty's guilt trip.

"One Heckuva Note," Scene H

Here is the complete omitted scene, which seems to have at least made it to dress rehearsal, since there are Getty Images out there of it:

INT. MECKLER'S DEPARTMENT STORE - NIGHT

A DEMONSTRATION TABLE IS SET UP IN THE MAJOR APPLIANCE DEPARTMENT.  VARIOUS STAIN-CAUSING SUBSTANCES ARE ON THE TABLE: MUD, MUSTARD, CATSUP, ETC.  A SIGN READS: "TWENTY DOLLARS SAYS NOTHING BEATS EASY-OUT".  ALSO ON THE PLATFORM IS A SMALL WASHING MACHINE.  SHIRLEY IS ON THE PLATFORM WEARING A PROTECTIVE SMOCK OVER HER CLOTHING, ON THE PLATFORM [sic].  HER SUPERVISOR IS SETTING UP A DISPLAY AND KEEPS A DUBIOUS EYE ON SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

Hi friends.  I'm Miss Easy, here for...

CROWD DOES CATCALLS AND WOLF WHISTLES.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I beg your pardon, I'll have you know that after work I go straight home to my husband, Dr. Easy.

LAVERNE ENTERS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Now, as I was saying...  New miracle Easy-Out is not a tooth extractor, not a bad baseball player, not a chaperone service, but a tough stain remover confident enough to bet twenty dollars it can clean any mess.  Do I have any volunteers?

NO ONE IN THE CROWD RESPONDS.  LAVERNE HAS ASCENDED THE PLATFORM AND IS TUGGING AT THE HEM OF SHIRLEY'S SMOCK.

LAVERNE

Psst, psst.

SHIRLEY

What are you doing here?

LAVERNE

Shirl, I gotta talk to you.

SHIRLEY

Not now.  (INDICATES HER SUPERVISOR)  My boss is right over there.  Here's a volunteer.  Madam, have we ever met or removed stains together before?

LAVERNE

No.  (SOTTO TO SHIRLEY) This can't wait.

SHIRLEY

If you want to talk, pour this on me.  (HANDS HER A CATSUP SQUIRT BOTTLE; TO CROWD) Let's see how "Easy-Out" tackles stubborn catsup stains.

LAVERNE RELUCTANTLY SQUIRTS A SMALL DROP OF CATSUP ON SHIRLEY'S SMOCK.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(TO CROWD) Don't be shy ma'am.  Soil me to your heart's content.

LAVERNE

Please don't make me do this.

LAVERNE SQUEEZES CATSUP BOTTLE ACCIDENTLY [sic] GETTING SOME ON SHIRLEY'S FACE.

SHIRLEY

Be careful.  This stuff is murder on my complexion.  Just squirt the smock.

LAVERNE

(SQUIRTING MORE CATSUP) Alright [sic].  Now listen, I swear, I never meant for this to happen.  I really feel like a rat.  I'm out of catsup.

SHIRLEY

Ladies and Gentlemen, she's out of catsup.

THEY APPLAUD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

But "Easy-Out" says, bring on the jam.

LAVERNE

Not the jam.

THE SUPERVISOR EXITS.  SHIRLEY GIVES LAVERNE A BOWL OF JAM.  LAVERNE STARTS SPLATTERING IT ALL OVER SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Thanks.  Shirl, we're best friends, right?  So you know I'd never do nothing on purpose to hurt you.  This is about me and Carmine.

SHIRLEY

Wait one moment.  (UNBUTTONING SMOCK) Ma'am, you're a typical harried housewife.

LAVERNE NODS TO CROWD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

How many times have you seen Junior come home with an icky mess like this?

LAVERNE HOLDS UP THREE JAM COVERED FINGERS.  SHIRLEY SPRAYS THE SMOCK WITH "EASY-OUT", THEN PUTS IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(TO CROWD AS SHE DOES THE ABOVE ACTION) Correct.  Now, all we do is spray and toss the ick into the washing machine.  Your worries will disappear like magic, because with "Easy-Out", you can say goodbye to filthy goop...

SQUIGGY

Hello!

SQUIGGY POLITELY MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD ADLIBBING "EXCUSE ME" UNTIL HE REACHES SHIRLEY.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Good evening, Shirley.

SHIRLEY

Good evening, Squiggy.

LAVERNE

What are you doing here?

SQUIGGY

I am trying to have a civilized conversation.  I was about to ask Miss Feeney if this is the place where they're giving twenty dollars for invincible stains.

SHIRLEY

Yes, this is the place.  Now...

SQUIGGY

It's been a pleasure talking to you, Shirley.  Laverne, you have been very rude.  And thank you, bystanders for your kind attention.  (YELLS) Lenny!

LENNY ENTERS AND RUNS TO THE PLATFORM.  HE IS PUSHING A WHEELBARROW FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE.  THE WHEELBARROW HAS TWO SHOVELS IN IT.

LENNY

Stand back.  Hot Bosco coming through.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EACH TAKE A SHOVEL FULL OF CHOCOLATE AND THROW IT AT SHIRLEY.  THE BYSTANDERS RUN OFF.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Thank you, thank you.  Kindly send the twenty dollars to seven thirty-four Knapp Street, Apartment three "G".

LENNY

Shirl, may I be so bold as to lick you.

SHIRLEY

You idiots.  It says right on the can that Easy-Out removes chocolate stains.  You don't get the twenty dollars.

LENNY

This can't be.  The dog we tested it on didn't get clean.

LAVERNE

Go on you guys get out of here.

THE BOYS START OUT.

SQUIGGY

As God is my waitress, I'll find the stain to foil Easy-Out.

LENNY

And we'll never go hungry again.

THE BOYS EXIT.  LAVERNE PUTS A "CLOCK SIGN" ON THE TABLE THAT READS: "MISS EASY WILL BE BACK AT..." AND SETS THE CLOCK TO READ NINE P.M.

LAVERNE

There, you can take a break.

SHIRLEY

Oh Lord, my good party dress.  What am I gonna do?  I know I'll get fired.

LAVERNE

What's the difference?  It's Terry Buttafucco's job.  She can bring her schnoodles to work.

SHIRLEY

I lied about Terry Buttafucco and her dog.  Did you honestly believe that she could cross-breed?  Don't make me laugh.

LAVERNE

Then why are you working here?

SHIRLEY

I'm earning extra money for Carmine's birthday present.

LAVERNE

You're making this very hard.

SHIRLEY

Can you keep a secret?

LAVERNE

Funny you should mention that.

SHIRLEY

I'm getting him a brand new Timex with a Twist-O-Flex band.

LAVERNE

Speaking of Carmine.  Him and me have always been friends...

SHIRLEY

And the hands glow in the dark so he can tell what time it is when he's asleep.  But, now, he'll probably get nothing.  So what did you want to tell me?

LAVERNE

Carmine and I have a question.

SHIRLEY

What is it, Laverne?

LAVERNE

Carmine wants to eat his sweet potatoes but he has to know if it is an "s" food or a "p" food?

SHIRLEY

It's a "y" food for yams.

LAVERNE

Thanks.  Let's go tell him.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I'm covered with muck.

LAVERNE

We'll scrape you off and use you for dessert.

SHIRLEY

Do you think I'm a "b" for Bosco or a "c" for chocolate?

Many, many thoughts:

• Yes, they twice mention Shirley being on the platform in the opening stage directions.
• The supervisor keeps a dubious eye on Shirley and then later leaves without explanation.  I could see if he got called away to another department.  Maybe he stopped being dubious and decided Shirley could handle the demonstration after all.
• It's Miss Easy rather than Mrs. Easy, and yet Shirley claims to be married to Dr. Easy.  This gets the crowd to stop sexually harassing her.
• I like the wordplay on what "Easy-Out" is not.
• And I like Shirley's patter in general, such as whether she and "Madam" have ever met before, and "Junior."
• "Soil me to your heart's content" is just one of the suggestive lines, in or out of context, in this scene.
• How does Shirley know that catsup is bad for her complexion?  Did some get squirted on her the night before?
• To her credit, Laverne does try to confess, but clearly this is not the time or place.
• The crowd is easily impressed, applauding just for the catsup running out.
• Squiggy hellos on "filthy goop."  At least it wasn't on "ick."
• I'm amused by the "polite conversation," and Squiggy telling Laverne how rude she is.
• OK, so how much would enough Bosco to fill a wheelbarrow cost?  Is this from their secret stash in the chimney for nuclear emergencies?  And how did they heat that much and keep it hot?  Or is it "hot" in the sense of stolen?
• If the Bosco is literally hot, aren't the boys burning Shirley by throwing it at her?
• That is not the boys' address.  By this point in the series (as compared to some early Season One episodes, before it got set in stone), the apartment building is at 730 Knapp Street, not 734.  Furthermore, Apartment 3-G is probably not the boys' apartment number.  (It is likely a reference to the extremely long-running comic strip, from 1961 to 2015.)  So I'm going to assume that the boys plan to launder the money at someone else's place on the same block.
• Lenny would have to wait until the next season to lick chocolate off of Shirley.
• The boys have put their canine neighbors through so much, and chocolate can be toxic to dogs!  I would think Cindy would object to that line at least.
• Squiggy's "waitress" line would famously resurface a bit later in the season, on "You've Pushed Me Too Far."  Here we get a Lenny follow-up.
• Why is Shirley worried about her "good party dress" if Easy-Out is so great?
• Shirley in this episode is shocked to learn that Carmine and Laverne were involved three years earlier.  And now I'm shocked to learn that the whole Terry B & schnoodles story was a lie, to cover up for Shirley moonlighting to buy Carmine a nice watch.  Does Booboo Kitty know about this?
• Laverne's guilt made her want to confess, but now her guilt makes her keep the secret.  I guess she doesn't want to spoil Carmine's birthday.
• And does this mean Carmine is a summer baby?  The "Fifth Anniversary" episode suggests that Frank and Edna met on August 8, 1958.  I can kind of see Carmine as a Leo.
• Why does he need to know the time when he's asleep?
• So Shirley is going to be dessert for Carmine and Laverne?  I suppose that's one way to resolve the triangle.

"One Heckuva Note," Scene E and Call Sheet

Act Two opens at the girls' apartment, again at "night":

LAVERNE IS DRESSED NICELY AND PUTTING FINISHING TOUCHES ON AN ELEGANT TABLE FOR TWO.  SHE LIGHTS CANDLES.  CARMINE KNOCKS HIS KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR.  SHE BLOWS THE CANDLES OUT.

LAVERNE

Be right there, Carmine.

AS SHE CROSSES TO THE DOOR, SHE SEES BOOBOO KITTY GIVING HER A DISAPPROVING LOOK.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

What're you looking at?  This dinner was Shirley's idea, not mine.

LAVERNE TAKES HER COWBOY HAT AND PUTS IT OVER BOOBOO KITTY'S HEAD.

The part with BBK was definitely taken out*, and Laverne's "right there" line became a voiceover.

Laverne asking if Carmine wants the whole neighborhood to see was added.  They skipped her saying later, "We're fighting a losing battle."

Note that the strap of Laverne's dress breaking was certainly not in the script and I suspect they kept it since it adds to the scene.  Laverne and Carmine playfully punching and slapping each other, after they recognize that they're still friends, was also not in the stage directions.

They dropped Carmine's line "I'm glad we're nothing," meaning nothing to each other romantically.

This was omitted after Laverne "slaps his rear":

CARMINE

You know, it's lucky for us you eat like a slob.

HE EXITS.

LAVERNE

What a guy, huh?

LAVERNE NOTICES BOOBOO KITTY ON THE COUCH.  SHE REMOVES THE COWBOY HAT FROM BOOBOO KITTY'S HEAD.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(TO BOOBOO KITTY) Don't look at me like that.  She's better off not knowing.  Huh?... but she... Oh, alright [sic] you little creep, I'll tell her.  How do you do this?

LAVERNE GRABS HER COAT AND EXITS.

And then my reprint of the script has the call sheet!

*They probably did film the parts with BBK, because the cat can be seen in some shots wearing the cowboy hat.

A couple thoughts:

• They did air Laverne's suggestion that they go to Meckler's and confess, as well as Carmine's belief that they should leave it unsaid.  I think it's interesting that BBK is set up as a representative of Shirley and/or of Laverne's conscience.
• As you can see, "Meckler" was on the call sheet, and I think this is the same character as "Supervisor Benjie."  The actor credited in this role is Robert Ackerman, possibly this Robert Ackerman, who would've been 40 then but only recently started in his television work: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0010010/?ref_=fn_al_nm_2 .
• The omitted scene is coming up next time....

"One Heckuva Note," Scenes A through D

We start out at the girls' apartment, at "night."  In the script, Laverne says it's ants behind the stove, rather than cockroaches.  But Scene A is otherwise intact.

The next scene is on the same set, also at night.  After Laverne mentions Sumo wrestling, they dropped Carmine's line, "You think I can get to go?"  Shirley was supposed to "lasso" Carmine when he doesn't want to take Laverne to the rodeo.  Those are the only changes.

So we move on to, yes, the girls' apartment at night.  Here's how their first kiss is described in the script:

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND KISS.  CARMINE THROWS LAVERNS [sic] TO THE FLOOR.  THEY HEAD BEHIND THE COUCH.

And there are no lines beforehand about how they shouldn't do this.

In the script, after their second kiss, Laverne asks, "You got control?" and Carmine shakes his head no, but onscreen he says yes unconvincingly.  

Laverne yelling that it was a perfectly innocent evening was added.  

The last scene of Act One is set at, surprise, the Pizza Bowl, the "next day."  The skipped Frank telling Mary the Waitress to clean gum off the bowling ball.

In the script, Laverne was supposed to drop to her knees when she says it's all her fault, but her crying as she kneels and holds Shirley was added, as was Shirley stroking her hair.  Also, Carmine downing a beer after Shirley suggests he have dinner with Laverne was not in the script.

When Carmine holds Shirley tightly as he agrees that he should eat dinner with her instead, she in the script protests, "Carmine, you're cutting off the blood in my arm," which became "Please!  You're choking me!" onscreen.

My main thought is that, considering how faithful the first act is, it's surprising that they have a whole scene in Act Two that was chopped out.  Most of the changes here are some stage directions and lines that seem to make Laverne and Carmine guiltier onscreen.

"One Heckuva Note," introduction

On August 21, 1979, barely a month before "One Heckuva Note" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was finished.  Although this was cutting it close, there would still be at least one significant omission.  But first, I'll share some aspects of the script before we get to dialogue and stage directions:

Thoughts:

• Who is Supervisor Benjie?  Is he possibly at the omitted Meckler's Department Store scene?  (More on that later.)
• I have no idea who Tom Kelly and Sandy Williamson are.
• The season would start on September 13th, so you can understand the urgency on reshooting the credits.
• I don't remember Laverne sliding on the waxed floor.  It would've been fun to see Carmine arm-wrestling the boys.  They did shoot Frank watching Edna and Carmine dance, but he could hardly be described as enthusiastic.
• The boys' costumes at Meckler's are below.

"Fat City Holiday," Scenes C through K

We have the same set for C as B, but now "Sunday afternoon."  As onscreen, there's a montage, but each piece, for instance, the girls in the weight belts, is chopped up into more than one bit, I guess to show more time has passed.

Then we go to "the girls' room - Sunday night."  The room was supposed to be "bereft of furniture except for two uncomfortable looking beds with gold bedspreads," and two small scales, but I spot a dresser (with a few books, a potted plant, and I think an ashtray on top), two gold armchairs, a couple framed pictures of flowers, a night stand with a lamp, a gold rug, and floral curtains.

In the script, Shirley exclaims, "Holy butterbuns!  Somehow I've gained a hundred and ten pounds!" when Laverne steps on the same scale, which was reduced to seventy-two pounds for filming.  (With no "butterbuns.")  Otherwise, this scene is intact, and it ends Act One.

Act Two opens in the same place, with continuous action.  They dropped Shirley scolding the boys, "Preying on the poor, huddled masses yearning to be thin," and Squiggy's reply, "The Statue of Liberty did it."

Instead of Squiggy wanting the girls to pay them in other ways than cash, Squiggy in the script says, "Sure, I'll get some other tubbos and we'll have an auction."

In the script, Squiggy tells Bambi, "You can dispose of us, but our produce will never perish," and Lenny adds, "Or your money back," which was improved to Squiggy saying that Lenny will spoil in the sun.

Then it's back to the Pounds of Gold Reception and Exercise Room, "a short time later - night."  This was dropped:

BAMBI

If you want to be released just call me, because on your way out I'd like to treat you to a char-broiled steak, (SHE STARTS TO CROSS TO THE DOOR) a baked potato, tossed green salad and...

SHIRLEY

Don't say it.

BAMBI STOPS AT THE DOOR AND TURNS BACK.

BAMBI

Pie a la mode.

SHIRLEY

That was it!

They skipped Shirley saying that she "would have thought of" Laverne's "brilliant'" idea of getting their food out of the Golden Locker herself "sooner or later."

Rollo spotting the girls was added.  They left out Shirley saying of Laverne throwing herself against the locker, "That's not going to open it," and Laverne replying, "I know, but it makes me feel better."

Onscreen, the girls are immediately happy when the top comes off the locker, but it takes longer for it to sink in in the script:

LAVERNE

Do you think anyone heard that?

SHIRLEY

I'll cover for it.  Gesundheit.

LAVERNE

I think we're in trouble, we broke the locker.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

(REALIZING) We broke the locker!

Also onscreen, there's more physical comedy as the girls struggle to open the Twinkie packages, but in the script the girls seem to do this easily, and Shirley says "softly" to the Twinkies, "Hello, little Twinkies.  Don't be afraid, we are going to become one."  When she sees Laverne hesitate, she says, "This is not the time to become a picky eater.  Just shovel it down, pal," which was definitely softened for filming.

The penultimate scene is set in the "exercise room - the next morning" and the tag is set in the girls' apartment, at "night."  There aren't any notable changes in either scene.  

Thoughts:

• I've certainly stayed in worse hotel rooms than the girls get for the weekend, although admittedly I didn't have to diet or exercise.
• The dropped and changed lines in Scenes E and H are weaker than what we'd get onscreen, and it's not a great episode anyway.  (I gave it a C+)
• I do sort of like Bambi tormenting the girls by talking about food.
• I don't get why they decided to show Rollo witnessing the girls' antics, since there's no payoff, unless one was filmed and then dropped.  The viewer is being set up to expect him to rat the girls out to Bambi, or at least be tempted to, but it makes no difference to the rest of the episode.
• Shirley talking to the Twinkies is just bizarre, although they do have her saying goodbye to them in both versions.
• My main thought about this script as a whole is that the best part remains the girls helping Frank and Edna prepare for their trip.

"Fat City Holiday," Scene B

A new set, the "Pounds of Gold Main Reception and Exercise Room - Saturday afternoon."  In the script, Shirley says of her and Laverne's fitness, "We haven't done it all by ourselves.  We owe a gigantic debt to Jack LaLanne," and Laverne added, "And his dog."  Onscreen, Shirley says they owe it to diet and exercise, and Laverne says they're too poor to eat, which I think is less funny.  On the other hand, Shirley's "I brought my water wings" was improved to her saying that she excelled at aqua ballet, which I think came up on another episode.

Shirley telling Laverne not to start a fight with Bambi was added, although her trying to restrain Laverne later was in the script.

The last page was left out:

SHIRLEY

Look, Miss Taskmistress, we came here with a nice attitude but we've just lost it.  We might have left, if you'd asked nice.  But now she's real mad.

LAVERNE

Real ticked off.

SHIRLEY

You've got her dander up.

LAVERNE

It's up there.  Way up there.

BABMI

So you're still not leaving?

SHIRLEY

No.  We'll show you what we're made of.

BAMBI

(SNAPPING HER FINGERS AT SHIRLEY) Why don't you show me the stuff you're made of?  Give me the rest of it.

SHIRLEY TURNS HER BACK TO THE AUDIENCE.  SHE TURNS BACK AROUND AND HANDS BAMBI TWO "SNO-BALL" CUPCAKES.  BAMBI SHOOTS HER A LOOK.

SHIRLEY

This isn't what I'm usually made of.

My main thought is that that omitted section is cute but it feels off to have the girls reveal to Bambi that they're only staying out of spite.  And writer Roger Garrett thought it would be funny for Shirley to stuff her bra with Hostess products.

"Fat City Holiday," Scene A

On July 31, 1979, a little under two months before "Fat City Holiday" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script came in.  Let's get the skinny on it.  (Sorry.)

We start at the "girls' apartment - Saturday morning":

LAVERNE IS HURRIEDLY PACKING A SUITCASE.  EDNA IS READING A MAP.  FRANK IS WEARING A SPELUNKER'S HELMET.

EDNA

We take Route 909...

FRANK

(TURNING THE MAP) That's 606.

LAVERNE

You want your shorts folded?

FRANK

I've got a bus to catch.  Hurry up and get my lunch... now.

LAVERNE

Only 'cause you asked me so nice.

EDNA

Then we take the red line to the black line and that puts us right in the middle of the blue line.

FRANK

That's the Mississippi River.

EDNA

That's why I don't drive the bus.

FRANK

Hey, Laverne, I ain't got all day.

LAVERNE CROSSES WITH A COOKED CHICKEN, LOOKS IN THE SUITCASE FOR A PLACE TO PUT IT.

LAVERNE

Where do you want it?

FRANK

Put it in the suitcase.  Wait.  Ain't you going to wrap it?

LAVERNE

You want fast or neat?

FRANK

Make it fast.

LAVERNE TAKES THE MAP FROM EDNA, WRAPS THE CHICKEN AND CRAMS IT IN THE SUITCASE.

LAVERNE

It's right next to your hot water bottle.

SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM THE BEDOOM CARRYING A HAT BOX.

SHIRLEY

This is the perfect thing to take on your second honeymoon.  I was saving it for my first, but it went out of fashion two years ago.

SHIRLEY TAKES THE HAT OUT OF THE HAT BOX AND PUTS IT ON EDNA.  LAVERNE IS ENTERING FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A CHOCOLATE CAKE.

LAVERNE

Where do I pack the cake?

SHIRLEY PLACES THE HAT ON EDNA.  AT THE SAME TIME LAVERNE DROPS THE CAKE INTO THE HAT BOX.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Aaaah... perfect.

LAVERNE CROSSES BACK TO THE KITCHEN.

SHIRLEY

You both look so cute in your hats.

FRANK

This hat saved my life.

SHIRLEY

This isn't a war story, is it?

EDNA

No.  Last time we were in Blatt's Caverns he got beamed by a stalactite.

LAVERNE COMES BACK WITH A BOWL OF HARD-BOILED EGGS.

LAVERNE

I'd like to spend my honemoon [sic] in a dark place, too.  But not a wet cave.

LAVERNE BEGINS PUTTING THE EGGS IN A PAIR OF EDNA'S NYLONS.

FRANK

It was a nice cave.  It had a view.

SHIRLEY

You hear that, Laverne, a view.  (TO EDNA) When you look around, what do you see?

EDNA

Bat poo.

FRANK

How they do anything when they're hanging upside down?

LAVERNE

They got radar.  C'mon, you're gonna miss your bus.  Don't forget, eat your map first, then your nylons, and have your hat box for dessert.  Happy Columbus Day!

This whimsical opening was all dropped and replaced with voiceovers, quickly explaining that Frank and Edna are going on vacation to bat caves.

In the script, Laverne says of Shirley's suggestion of an Alaskan cruise, "You gotta get shots for that," which was changed to a rubbing-noses joke.

This little bit at the end, after Laverne refers to "the four basic food groups: cookies, cakes, candies, and pies," was omitted:

SHIRLEY

You call that a well-balanced diet?

LAVERNE

Oh, yeah.  I forgot potato chips.

SHIRLEY
Ahhh... good.  Vegetables.

THEY EXIT TO BEDROOM.

Many thoughts:

• Columbus Day in 1961 was Thursday, October 12th.  However, it was a Monday in October 1979 and had switched from Thursdays to Mondays in 1971.  As far as chronology glitches go on this show, this is minor, if notable.
• There's an almost Vaudeville quality to the omitted sequence, with corny old jokes like the upside-down map, and the food-clothes switching.
• I'm unclear why the girls have to prepare everything for a middle-aged couple who have traveled before, including together.
• Was this episode supposed to air later in the season?  Frank and Edna's wedding would be the seventh episode that season, while this would be third.  So they haven't had even a first honeymoon yet.
• And poor Shirl, waiting so long to get married.
• And, yes, the stage directions have Shirley putting the hat on Edna twice.
• I like the joke about Frank's war stories, although not that many such stories had made it to air yet, not counting what got omitted from scripts.
• So, wait, Frank and Edna went to the very Vaudevillianly named Blatt's Caverns before, didn't have a great time, and then decided to return?
• Laverne does not want to be in a wet cave on her honeymoon.  Duly noted.
• Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da, Batpoo!
• The radar joke is great.
• This might be my favorite skipped sequence with Frank and Edna, out of all the scripts I've looked at so far.  It clearly contributes nothing to moving the plot forward, but I honestly don't care.
• I even like the potato-chip exchange.

"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scenes J and K

We return to the bedroom, still at night.  The first page made it in, but then onscreen the girls exchanged insults about their butts.  The next part of Scene J, with Shirley saying she's proud of Laverne but still needing to be told she's right, got moved to the penultimate scene, while the Phone Rep is getting their file.  And this was left out entirely:

SHIRLEY
I'm hearing it, Laverne, but I'm not believing it.  What made you change your mind?

LAVERNE

I dreamt we went to hell, Shirl.  When you do good, good comes back to you, but when you do bad, worse comes back to you.  It's just like you say, Shirl... honesty is the best policy.

SHIRLEY

I do say that, don't I?  In that case I have a confession to make.

LAVERNE

(REALIZING SHE NO LONGER HAS THE CHECK) Where's the check?

SHIRLEY

(HOLDING UP THE CHECK) I stole it while you were sleeping.

LAVERNE STARES AT SHIRLEY.  SHIRLEY SHRUGS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Nobody's perfect.

That's the end of Act Two.  The tag is of course set at the phone company, in the "day." In the script, the Phone Rep says to Laverne, "Why don't you lie down while I check your file?" which was improved to him telling Shirley that her friend's "receiver is off the hook."

And in the script, while he's getting the file, Laverne says, "Boy, what a relief to get that [the check] outta my hand.  I feel better already.  Do I look better?", then Shirley answers, "Not really.  They're writing this one down on our record," and she looks up, to make it clear "they" are in Heaven.

Onscreen, Laverne steals a quarter before the commercial break, but the Phone Rep calls the girls back when that tag begins.  He tells the girls they'll need the quarter for their bill.  But in the script, there was this:

PHONE REP.

Normally the phone company would write you a letter commending you for your honesty in returning the money.

SHIRLEY
That won't be necessary.

PHONE REP.

You're darn right it won't....

The onscreen scene ends with the Phone Rep laughing demonically.  Here's the last part of the script:

SHIRLEY

But remember we're both going to heaven, Laverne.

LAVERNE

I'm going to heaven eventually.  You're going today.

SHIRLEY STEPS ON LAVERNE'S TOE AND LAVERNE SHOOTS SHIRLEY WITH RUBBER BANDS.  PHONE REP. RETURNS.

LAVERNE

I feel better already!

PHONE REP.

Fifty-six dollars and one rubber band.

A few thoughts:

• Remember what I said about this script and personal boundaries?  Shirley removed the check from Laverne's cleavage, while Laverne was asleep, having a nightmare about Hell!
• So Laverne is going to kill Shirley with rubber bands?  The onscreen ending is definitely stronger, since it actually ties together Dick Shawn's triple role.
• This script is sillier, smuttier, and in some ways darker than what we'd get onscreen, which is saying something.

"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scenes D, E, and H

We go back to the girls' bedroom, still at "night."  But Scene D, for a change, basically made it in.  So we move on to Scene E, which is only half a page:

INT. HELL - ETERNITY

THE SAME SET AS HEAVEN, BUT REDRESSED.  GROUND FOG NOW RESEMBLES STEAM.  THE "GATE" AND GATEKEEPER'S BOOTH ARE DIRTY AND RUNDOWN.  THE ATMOSPHERE "DEVILS" ARE HARD AT WORK DOING MINING-TYPE ACTIVITIES.  THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS, REVEALING LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.  THEY ARE DRESSED IN RED LEOTARDS AND TIGHTS AND ARE WEARING HORNS AND TAILS.  SHIRLEY HAS ON HER HUBBA HUBBA HINEY.  THEY PEER OUTSIDE THE ELEVATOR AND REALIZE WHERE THEY ARE.

This time, those costumes did make it in (minus the HHH), although the girls are also wearing red shorts.  The only line is Laverne's "I'm sorry," which did air.  And so ends Act One.

The next act and scene open on the same set, the time now "eternity (continuous action)."  They skipped Shirley's line, "Laverne, please don't tell me we've gone where the goblins go," and a bit later, Laverne's reply to the gatekeeper's "Well, if it ain't Feeney and DeFazio": "You're right, it ain't.  We'll go find 'em and send 'em down."

The exchange between Laverne and devil-Lenny right after his and Squiggy's arrival originally had her saying, "Aw, please tell me I'm dreaming," and him replying, "As a matter of fact, you are. But meanwhile, start groveling."  Onscreen, this became her saying that this is the first thing that's made sense, and him warning her about being fricasseed.

We lost Lenny calling Shirley "my proud pretty" when she wants to beat up a puppy.  And then after he says they're going to get job assignments, there was this:

SHIRLEY

We're really not looking for work right now.

SQUIGGY

Quiet, wench!  We have full employment here.  Hardware!  Bring me the tools of their trade.

TWO ATMOSPHERE DEVILS ENTER WITH PITCHFORKS FOR THE GIRLS.

LAVERNE

Big forks.  This is terrible, Shirl.  They're going to make us eat big food.

Onscreen, that dialogue was dropped, and the pitchforks already have large marshmallows on them, while in the script two other devils have to put the marshmallows on the forks.

Shirley's line about the Devil, "Ooh.  Does he like them just crispy brown on the outside and gooey in the middle?" and Squiggy's answer, "No -- white on the outside but black in the middle.  That's the tricky part" was replaced by Squiggy's Jack the Ripper reference.

After Lenny reminds the girls to keep their hell clean, Laverne originally said, "I'll remember this as long as I live," before realizing, "And then some!"  They dropped Shirley calling Laverne "the bad seed."

After Laverne says Shirley has done "all kinds of rotten things," Shirley originally snapped, "You stinky little fibber!"  Then Laverne said, "Oh yeah?  Who went out and bought Chef Boyardee for the home ec spaghetti final?"

Carmine was supposed to be in "a red suit," rather than a vest and no shirt, presumably to show off his arms and chest.  (So we got beefcake instead of extra cheesecake on air, interesting.)

In the script, Squiggy does order Carmine to start singing again, but the "offkey" was added.

Another omitted exchange between the girls was Laverne's "I make one little mistake and you act like it's the end of the world," followed by "It is.  Laverne, face it -- you're a rotten egg."

This part was mostly left out or changed:

EDNA

Frank, look.  It's Laverne, our one-way ticket to hell.

FRANK

(MAKING HAND GESTURES) Boy, do I owe her one of these.

LAVERNE

Pop, don't hit.  What'd I do?

FRANK

Don't play stupid.  You gave me ten bucks of that dirty money so I could buy a new pizza oven.  All of a sudden, I started making money.

Edna does not call Laverne a "one-way ticket to hell" in the filmed version.  Frank doesn't make the hand gestures and his line about dirty money was modified and given to Edna, although he does chime in "Dirty money!"

Shirley telling Laverne, "Your family's here, your friends are here, I'm here" was improved to her saying she's "one of Devil's Campfire Girls."

Everyone was supposed to "poke and prod Laverne with their pitchforks" at the end of the scene, because this script does not respect personal boundaries.

Thoughts:

• I like the repeated joke of "Eternity" as a time.
• Shirley is wearing the HHH again, but I guess it's not a big deal because, you know, it's Hell.
• I'm here for the Wizard of Oz joke of course.
• Laverne tries to get out of serving time in Hell, while three seasons later she'd use a false name and end up on Death Row.
• The script is in some ways more playful and less literal than the version that aired, with Carmine's dressing room star earlier and here Lenny going meta that this is in fact Laverne's dream.
• Lenny calls Shirley his proud pretty, and Squiggy calls her a wench.  File that under your shipping notes if you like.
• Laverne, on the other hand, gets insulted and abused more in this version of the episode, especially by Shirley.
• We learn elsewhere that Shirley doesn't properly eat spaghetti, and here we find out she once pretended she could cook it.  (And what about her cheating on the Biology test with the frog, which came up towards the end of last season?)

"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scene C

And we go to a completely new set, and time:

INT. HEAVEN - ETERNITY

A NEARLY BARE STAGE WITH GROUND FOG AND VERY WHITE LIGHT.  THERE IS A GATE (PEARLY) STAGE LEFT.  NEXT TO THE GATE IS A SMALL GATEKEEPER'S BOOTH.  THERE IS AN ELEVATOR STANDING STAGE LEFT.  AN INDICATOR LIGHT GOES ON, ON THE ELEVATOR DOOR.  IT IS AN ARROW POINTING UP.  THE DOOR OPENS AND LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER HEAVEN.  THEY ARE WEARING LEOTARDS AND TIGHTS.  SHIRLEY IS ALSO WEARING HER HUBBA-HUBBA HINEY.  THE GIRLS LOOK AROUND FOR A BEAT AND THEN START TO JUMP UP AND DOWN, ADLIBBING "WE MADE IT!  WE MADE IT!"  SUDDENLY, LAVERNE DISAPPEARS INTO THE FOG.

The girls are actually in white choir robes, but otherwise this is mostly what's onscreen.

These lines were dropped after Laverne says she can see people stealing the furniture:

SHIRLEY

Isn't this exciting?  Do you realize the greatest figures in history are up here -- George Washington, William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc --

LAVERNE

The Big Bopper.

Instead we got the Gatekeeper and the girls cooing at each other.  And this was skipped after the Gatekeeper recognizes Shirley:

SHIRLEY CURTSIES.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

... and you must be Laverne De Fazio.

LAVERNE

God knows my name.

GATEKEEPER

I'm not God.  I work for God.

SHIRLEY

Are you God's secretary?

GATEKEEPER

Not yet, but I got my eye on the job.

GATEKEEPER GIGGLES; THE GIRLS GIGGLE.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

I'm the gatekeeper.  I'm here to make sure everyone who enters is qualified.

LAVERNE

We're qualified.  We're dead.

SHIRLEY

The man's just trying to do his job, Laverne.  (TO GATEKEEPER) She's so pushy.

GATEKEEPER

I know.  We'll start with you, Miss Feeney.

And then after the Gatekeeper reads Shirley's qualifications, this was omitted:

SOUND EFFECT.  SHIRLEY ELBOWS LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

I hate to say I told you so.

LAVERNE GRABS SHIRLEY BY THE NECK.

LAVERNE

Then don't say it.

LAVERNE IS STILL HOLDING SHIRLEY BY THE NECK AS SHE NOTICES HERSELF SLOWLY SINKING BENEATH THE FOG.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(FROM UNDER THE FOG) I'm sorry.

GATEKEEPER GESTURES "RISE" AND LAVERNE POPS UP OUT OF THE FOG.

GATEKEEPER

The naughty find the footing precarious.

LAVERNE

I'll be good.  Read my list now.

And then, instead of the Gatekeeper initially refusing Laverne, and Shirley having to plead for her, there was this sequence:

GATEKEEPER

Do you know what tremendous power I have?  Do you know what awesome responsibility it is to hold a human life in your hands? (BEAT)  Aw... what the heck... you're in.

THE GATEKEEPER INDICATES THAT THE GIRLS SHOULD WALK THROUGH THE GATE.  LAVERNE TAKES A STEP TOWARDS THE GATE.  GATEKEEPER STOPS HER.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

Ladies first.

SHIRLEY APPROACHES THE GATE, BELLS BEGIN TO RING AND A LOUD SIREN GOES OFF.  SHE STEPS BACK AND THE NOISE STOPS.

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry.   Is something the matter?

GATEKEEPER PRANCES THROUGH THE GATE AND BRINGS SHIRLEY BACK TO THE OTHER SIDE.

GATEKEEPER

Back, back, back.  Are you wearing a... how can I put this delicately?  (HE SQUEEZES HER BEHIND)  ...a padded tush?

LAVERNE

She bought a Hubba Hubba Hiney.  I want to see that on her list.

GATEKEEPER

I understand.  I used to have a charge account at Pierre of Peewaulkee myself.

LAVERNE

You wearing scanty panties?

GATEKEEPER

(TO LAVERNE) Catty, aren't we?  (TO SHIRLEY) I'm sorry, you'll have to remove it.  There's nothing false in Heaven.

SHIRLEY REMOVES HER HINEY AND DROPS IT.

LAVERNE

(YELLS) Duck!

GATEKEEPER

(WALKING IN FRONT OF HER) Shirley Feeney, welcome to Heaven.

And then the filmed scene picks up with the heavenly chorus of "Hallelujah" greeting Shirley.  However, rather than the chorus petering out for Laverne, the script had the song played on kazoo.

This was omitted after the girls try to fly together and "fall flat on their faces":

SHIRLEY

Not bad... I mean did the Wright Brothers make it the first time out?

LAVERNE

I don't know.  We'll ask them.

GATEKEEPER (V.O.)

And now, dead and in person, the celestial song stylings of the Big Ragu!

We lost Carmine saying he opens for the Big Bopper, and Laverne commenting, "I knew he was here."  As well as this bit:

GATEKEEPER (V.O.)

Show time, Mr. Ragusa.

CARMINE

Come by and see me after the show.

SHIRLEY

Does your dressing room door have a star on it?

CARMINE

No, I have a star with a dressing room door on it.

There is incidentally no description of the boys' outfits, although Carmine's white tuxedo is in the script.  Lenny and Squiggy's section of the scene made it in, although not Laverne telling Shirley, "I don't want to be the worst one up here."

And we lost a whole sequence with Frank and Edna:

FRANK AND EDNA ENTER.  THEY ARE WEARING BROOKLYN DODGER UNIFORMS AND WINGS.

FRANK

(SINGING) Brooklyn, I'm in Brooklyn... and my...

LAVERNE

Pop, Edna!  This is terrific.  Everybody I like made it.

SHIRLEY

You both look wonderful in your uniforms.  Why are you wearing uniforms?

FRANK

I pitch for the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Edna catches.  Every other day I strike out Ruth and Gehrig.

LAVERNE

(TO EDNA) I thought you hated baseball.

EDNA

I do.  So tomorrow we do what I want to do.

FRANK

Gimme a break.  I'm sick of the ballet.

EDNA

They're so graceful up here.  It's like they're dancing on air.

FRANK

They are dancing on air.

EDNA

Come on, Frank.  I don't want to miss the Star Spangled Banner.  I get to sing it.  That's my favorite part.

FRANK AND EDNA EXIT.

In a script already with memorable stage directions, here are some more:

SEVERAL VERY HANDSOME MEN ENTER, DRESSED AS VARIOUS TYPES SIMILAR TO THE "VILLAGE PEOPLE".  (A POLICEMAN, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, COWBOY AND A SAILOR).  THEY ALL HAVE WINGS.

And they were supposed to sing "Heaven..," rather than Laverne, but presumably the extras would've had to be paid extra for that.

Many thoughts:

• There are definitely more famous people mentioned in the script, especially the Big Bopper, than would make it to air.
• The gatekeeper is more effeminate in this version, with his giggling, prancing, and lingerie-buying, which is interesting.  If he's gay, then this tells this something about Shirley's subconscious thoughts about homosexuality and religion.  Maybe.
• The flatness of Laverne's "We're qualified.  We're dead" makes me snicker.
• What the heck was the sound effect after Shirley's qualifications?  All the other sounds are described.
• Laverne's unladylike behavior is a bigger deal in the script and I'm glad that was mostly omitted.  (Although I like kazoos.)
• I like the little "awesome responsibility" speech, but not as much as I like Shirley's sisterhood onscreen at that point.
• Dude, what if she wasn't wearing padding?  You can't just go around pinching people's tushes!  Writer Al Aidekman really had people being inappropriate with Shirley's hiney in this version.
• OK, so the girls are wearing leotards and tights in this version, right?  How does Shirley remove her false behind in a lady-like manner?  Furthermore, is it now plummeting to Earth?  If so, I hope it hits the people stealing the girls' furniture.
• I like the star with the dressing room door on it.
• Wait, what does that mean "everybody" Laverne likes?  She only likes six people?  Or is it that Shirley thinks Laverne likes only six people?  I guess they could've had her say "everybody I love," but that might've raised different questions.
• So Shirley thinks Frank thinks Brooklyn is Heaven?  Or just playing for the Dodgers?
• Does Edna hate baseball?  I don't remember her doing anything in "Lenny's Crush," but that's not proof one way or the other, except I guess she's at least she's not a big Braves (or Pirates) fan.
• She prefers singing and dancing of course.
• My gosh, all this time I thought it was just super ironic that the hunky passengers happened to look like two-thirds of The Village People, and now it turns out to be deliberate!  If Aidekman knew their gay reputation (and not everyone did in '79, believe it or not), then that makes this scene even queerer.

"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scene B

We go to the bedroom, now "night":

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY WITH A LATE NIGHT MILK-AND-PEPSI.  SHE IS WEARING HER ROBE.  SHE TAKES CHECK FROM HER POCKET, REMOVES HER ROBE, REVEALING THE NIGHTIE AND PUTS CHECK IN HER BOSOM.  SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM WEARING PAJAMAS, THE NEW GLOVES, SLIPPERS AND THE HUBBA HUBBA HINEY.  SHE GOES TO THE MIRROR AND BEGINS TO TWEEZE HER EYEBROWS.

THE GIRLS ARE NOT SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER.  LAVERNE DOWNS HER DRINK IN ONE GULP, FLINGS THE BEDSPREAD OFF HER BED, FLUFFS THE PILLOW WITH A PUNCH OR TWO, AND SLAMS HERSELF DOWN ON THE BED.  SHIRLEY IS ON THE VERGE OF A CRITICAL TWEEZE AS LAVERNE TURNS THE LIGHT OFF.  THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE IN THE DARK. THEN SHIRLEY SCREAMS.  LAVERNE TURNS THE LIGHT BACK ON.

SHIRLEY

Thank you, Laverne.  I just plucked my bangs.

LAVERNE

With your share of the money you could buy a whole new set.

Onscreen, there's no tweezing.  Also, Laverne already has the check tucked into the bosom of her nightie and her drink appears to already be on the nightstand.  But the other details were mostly kept.  They did have Laverne claim to be practicing Shirley's signature, so I guess that version was going to attempt forgery.

Here is what was, quite understandably, left out of the scene after Shirley says she's not going to sign the check:

SHIRLEY BEGINS TURNING DOWN HER BED WHILE HER HINEY IS LOOKING PROMINENTLY AT LAVERNE.  LAVERNE TAKES A PENICL FROM THE NIGHTSTAND AND BEGINS POKING THE HINEY.  SHIRLEY DOES NOT REACT.  LAVERNE NOW ENERGETICALLY JABS THE PENCIL INTO THE HINEY AND IT STICKS THERE.  AS SHIRLEY IS CLIMBING INTO BED LAVERNE TAKES THE PENCIL OUT.  SHIRLEY TURNS, LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY AT LAVERNE.  LAVERNE ACTS AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

It's a short scene, just two pages, so nothing else was changed, but yeah.  I think they had enough business to do without the tweezing, and of course they would've had to do something to Cindy's hair.  As for Laverne energetically penetrating Shirley's (fake) hiney, um yeah.  Even at the cleanest level, that is weird.  And the studio audience was losing it just seeing the hiney under Shirley's pajamas.

"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scene A

On July 23, 1979, over two months before "Upstairs, Downstairs" aired, its Shooting Script was submitted, with a lot more "Hubba-Hubba Hiney" than would make it to the homes of America.  Let's take a look.

We're at the girls' apartment in the "evening."  My favorite line was originally "You ordered a Hubba-Hubba Hiney?", but I think "bought" flows better.  Shirley exclaiming "Holy Rhumba!" was not in the script.  Almost a page was omitted:

SHIRLEY

Laverne, remember, "Virtue is its own reward".

BOTH GIRLS GRAB CHECK AND HAVE A TUG OF WAR.

LAVERNE

Yeah, well, how about "Finders, keepers, losers weepers"?

SHIRLEY

"Honesty is the best policy."  Now beat that.

LAVERNE

All right.  "A fool and his money are soon parted."

LAVERNE BITES SHIRLEY'S HAND AND SHIRLEY LETS GO OF THE CHECK.  LAVERNE TAKES IT AND RUNS INTO THE BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

You're forgetting, Laverne.  This check needs both our signatures and I'm not going to sign.  Tomorrow we return this check to the phone company... no "ifs", no "ands", no... that reminds me...

SHIRLEY PICKS UP HINEY AND EXITS INTO THE BEDROOM.

Thoughts:

• The exchange of proverbs is cute but not necessary.
• The girls argue about the check on air but they don't physically struggle over it.
• Shirley has a point about their signatures, but maybe Laverne hopes she can get Shirley to give in.  (I hope she's not considering forgery.)
• And, yes, we end the scene on a "butt" pun.  Wait till you see Scene B....