"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scenes J and K

We return to the bedroom, still at night.  The first page made it in, but then onscreen the girls exchanged insults about their butts.  The next part of Scene J, with Shirley saying she's proud of Laverne but still needing to be told she's right, got moved to the penultimate scene, while the Phone Rep is getting their file.  And this was left out entirely:

SHIRLEY
I'm hearing it, Laverne, but I'm not believing it.  What made you change your mind?

LAVERNE

I dreamt we went to hell, Shirl.  When you do good, good comes back to you, but when you do bad, worse comes back to you.  It's just like you say, Shirl... honesty is the best policy.

SHIRLEY

I do say that, don't I?  In that case I have a confession to make.

LAVERNE

(REALIZING SHE NO LONGER HAS THE CHECK) Where's the check?

SHIRLEY

(HOLDING UP THE CHECK) I stole it while you were sleeping.

LAVERNE STARES AT SHIRLEY.  SHIRLEY SHRUGS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Nobody's perfect.

That's the end of Act Two.  The tag is of course set at the phone company, in the "day." In the script, the Phone Rep says to Laverne, "Why don't you lie down while I check your file?" which was improved to him telling Shirley that her friend's "receiver is off the hook."

And in the script, while he's getting the file, Laverne says, "Boy, what a relief to get that [the check] outta my hand.  I feel better already.  Do I look better?", then Shirley answers, "Not really.  They're writing this one down on our record," and she looks up, to make it clear "they" are in Heaven.

Onscreen, Laverne steals a quarter before the commercial break, but the Phone Rep calls the girls back when that tag begins.  He tells the girls they'll need the quarter for their bill.  But in the script, there was this:

PHONE REP.

Normally the phone company would write you a letter commending you for your honesty in returning the money.

SHIRLEY
That won't be necessary.

PHONE REP.

You're darn right it won't....

The onscreen scene ends with the Phone Rep laughing demonically.  Here's the last part of the script:

SHIRLEY

But remember we're both going to heaven, Laverne.

LAVERNE

I'm going to heaven eventually.  You're going today.

SHIRLEY STEPS ON LAVERNE'S TOE AND LAVERNE SHOOTS SHIRLEY WITH RUBBER BANDS.  PHONE REP. RETURNS.

LAVERNE

I feel better already!

PHONE REP.

Fifty-six dollars and one rubber band.

A few thoughts:

• Remember what I said about this script and personal boundaries?  Shirley removed the check from Laverne's cleavage, while Laverne was asleep, having a nightmare about Hell!
• So Laverne is going to kill Shirley with rubber bands?  The onscreen ending is definitely stronger, since it actually ties together Dick Shawn's triple role.
• This script is sillier, smuttier, and in some ways darker than what we'd get onscreen, which is saying something.