"Fat City Holiday," Scene A

On July 31, 1979, a little under two months before "Fat City Holiday" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script came in.  Let's get the skinny on it.  (Sorry.)

We start at the "girls' apartment - Saturday morning":

LAVERNE IS HURRIEDLY PACKING A SUITCASE.  EDNA IS READING A MAP.  FRANK IS WEARING A SPELUNKER'S HELMET.

EDNA

We take Route 909...

FRANK

(TURNING THE MAP) That's 606.

LAVERNE

You want your shorts folded?

FRANK

I've got a bus to catch.  Hurry up and get my lunch... now.

LAVERNE

Only 'cause you asked me so nice.

EDNA

Then we take the red line to the black line and that puts us right in the middle of the blue line.

FRANK

That's the Mississippi River.

EDNA

That's why I don't drive the bus.

FRANK

Hey, Laverne, I ain't got all day.

LAVERNE CROSSES WITH A COOKED CHICKEN, LOOKS IN THE SUITCASE FOR A PLACE TO PUT IT.

LAVERNE

Where do you want it?

FRANK

Put it in the suitcase.  Wait.  Ain't you going to wrap it?

LAVERNE

You want fast or neat?

FRANK

Make it fast.

LAVERNE TAKES THE MAP FROM EDNA, WRAPS THE CHICKEN AND CRAMS IT IN THE SUITCASE.

LAVERNE

It's right next to your hot water bottle.

SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM THE BEDOOM CARRYING A HAT BOX.

SHIRLEY

This is the perfect thing to take on your second honeymoon.  I was saving it for my first, but it went out of fashion two years ago.

SHIRLEY TAKES THE HAT OUT OF THE HAT BOX AND PUTS IT ON EDNA.  LAVERNE IS ENTERING FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A CHOCOLATE CAKE.

LAVERNE

Where do I pack the cake?

SHIRLEY PLACES THE HAT ON EDNA.  AT THE SAME TIME LAVERNE DROPS THE CAKE INTO THE HAT BOX.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Aaaah... perfect.

LAVERNE CROSSES BACK TO THE KITCHEN.

SHIRLEY

You both look so cute in your hats.

FRANK

This hat saved my life.

SHIRLEY

This isn't a war story, is it?

EDNA

No.  Last time we were in Blatt's Caverns he got beamed by a stalactite.

LAVERNE COMES BACK WITH A BOWL OF HARD-BOILED EGGS.

LAVERNE

I'd like to spend my honemoon [sic] in a dark place, too.  But not a wet cave.

LAVERNE BEGINS PUTTING THE EGGS IN A PAIR OF EDNA'S NYLONS.

FRANK

It was a nice cave.  It had a view.

SHIRLEY

You hear that, Laverne, a view.  (TO EDNA) When you look around, what do you see?

EDNA

Bat poo.

FRANK

How they do anything when they're hanging upside down?

LAVERNE

They got radar.  C'mon, you're gonna miss your bus.  Don't forget, eat your map first, then your nylons, and have your hat box for dessert.  Happy Columbus Day!

This whimsical opening was all dropped and replaced with voiceovers, quickly explaining that Frank and Edna are going on vacation to bat caves.

In the script, Laverne says of Shirley's suggestion of an Alaskan cruise, "You gotta get shots for that," which was changed to a rubbing-noses joke.

This little bit at the end, after Laverne refers to "the four basic food groups: cookies, cakes, candies, and pies," was omitted:

SHIRLEY

You call that a well-balanced diet?

LAVERNE

Oh, yeah.  I forgot potato chips.

SHIRLEY
Ahhh... good.  Vegetables.

THEY EXIT TO BEDROOM.

Many thoughts:

• Columbus Day in 1961 was Thursday, October 12th.  However, it was a Monday in October 1979 and had switched from Thursdays to Mondays in 1971.  As far as chronology glitches go on this show, this is minor, if notable.
• There's an almost Vaudeville quality to the omitted sequence, with corny old jokes like the upside-down map, and the food-clothes switching.
• I'm unclear why the girls have to prepare everything for a middle-aged couple who have traveled before, including together.
• Was this episode supposed to air later in the season?  Frank and Edna's wedding would be the seventh episode that season, while this would be third.  So they haven't had even a first honeymoon yet.
• And poor Shirl, waiting so long to get married.
• And, yes, the stage directions have Shirley putting the hat on Edna twice.
• I like the joke about Frank's war stories, although not that many such stories had made it to air yet, not counting what got omitted from scripts.
• So, wait, Frank and Edna went to the very Vaudevillianly named Blatt's Caverns before, didn't have a great time, and then decided to return?
• Laverne does not want to be in a wet cave on her honeymoon.  Duly noted.
• Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da, Batpoo!
• The radar joke is great.
• This might be my favorite skipped sequence with Frank and Edna, out of all the scripts I've looked at so far.  It clearly contributes nothing to moving the plot forward, but I honestly don't care.
• I even like the potato-chip exchange.