Friday, December 17, 2021

"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scene B

We go to the bedroom, now "night":

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY WITH A LATE NIGHT MILK-AND-PEPSI.  SHE IS WEARING HER ROBE.  SHE TAKES CHECK FROM HER POCKET, REMOVES HER ROBE, REVEALING THE NIGHTIE AND PUTS CHECK IN HER BOSOM.  SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM WEARING PAJAMAS, THE NEW GLOVES, SLIPPERS AND THE HUBBA HUBBA HINEY.  SHE GOES TO THE MIRROR AND BEGINS TO TWEEZE HER EYEBROWS.

THE GIRLS ARE NOT SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER.  LAVERNE DOWNS HER DRINK IN ONE GULP, FLINGS THE BEDSPREAD OFF HER BED, FLUFFS THE PILLOW WITH A PUNCH OR TWO, AND SLAMS HERSELF DOWN ON THE BED.  SHIRLEY IS ON THE VERGE OF A CRITICAL TWEEZE AS LAVERNE TURNS THE LIGHT OFF.  THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE IN THE DARK. THEN SHIRLEY SCREAMS.  LAVERNE TURNS THE LIGHT BACK ON.

SHIRLEY
Thank you, Laverne.  I just plucked my bangs.

LAVERNE
With your share of the money you could buy a whole new set.

Onscreen, there's no tweezing.  Also, Laverne already has the check tucked into the bosom of her nightie and her drink appears to already be on the nightstand.  But the other details were mostly kept.  They did have Laverne claim to be practicing Shirley's signature, so I guess that version was going to attempt forgery.

Here is what was, quite understandably, left out of the scene after Shirley says she's not going to sign the check:

SHIRLEY BEGINS TURNING DOWN HER BED WHILE HER HINEY IS LOOKING PROMINENTLY AT LAVERNE.  LAVERNE TAKES A PENICL FROM THE NIGHTSTAND AND BEGINS POKING THE HINEY.  SHIRLEY DOES NOT REACT.  LAVERNE NOW ENERGETICALLY JABS THE PENCIL INTO THE HINEY AND IT STICKS THERE.  AS SHIRLEY IS CLIMBING INTO BED LAVERNE TAKES THE PENCIL OUT.  SHIRLEY TURNS, LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY AT LAVERNE.  LAVERNE ACTS AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

It's a short scene, just two pages, so nothing else was changed, but yeah.  I think they had enough business to do without the tweezing, and of course they would've had to do something to Cindy's hair.  As for Laverne energetically penetrating Shirley's (fake) hiney, um yeah.  Even at the cleanest level, that is weird.  And the studio audience was losing it just seeing the hiney under Shirley's pajamas.

2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. These scripts are an experience. And they must've driven the censors crazy.

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