"One Heckuva Note," Scene H

Here is the complete omitted scene, which seems to have at least made it to dress rehearsal, since there are Getty Images out there of it:

INT. MECKLER'S DEPARTMENT STORE - NIGHT

A DEMONSTRATION TABLE IS SET UP IN THE MAJOR APPLIANCE DEPARTMENT.  VARIOUS STAIN-CAUSING SUBSTANCES ARE ON THE TABLE: MUD, MUSTARD, CATSUP, ETC.  A SIGN READS: "TWENTY DOLLARS SAYS NOTHING BEATS EASY-OUT".  ALSO ON THE PLATFORM IS A SMALL WASHING MACHINE.  SHIRLEY IS ON THE PLATFORM WEARING A PROTECTIVE SMOCK OVER HER CLOTHING, ON THE PLATFORM [sic].  HER SUPERVISOR IS SETTING UP A DISPLAY AND KEEPS A DUBIOUS EYE ON SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

Hi friends.  I'm Miss Easy, here for...

CROWD DOES CATCALLS AND WOLF WHISTLES.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I beg your pardon, I'll have you know that after work I go straight home to my husband, Dr. Easy.

LAVERNE ENTERS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Now, as I was saying...  New miracle Easy-Out is not a tooth extractor, not a bad baseball player, not a chaperone service, but a tough stain remover confident enough to bet twenty dollars it can clean any mess.  Do I have any volunteers?

NO ONE IN THE CROWD RESPONDS.  LAVERNE HAS ASCENDED THE PLATFORM AND IS TUGGING AT THE HEM OF SHIRLEY'S SMOCK.

LAVERNE

Psst, psst.

SHIRLEY

What are you doing here?

LAVERNE

Shirl, I gotta talk to you.

SHIRLEY

Not now.  (INDICATES HER SUPERVISOR)  My boss is right over there.  Here's a volunteer.  Madam, have we ever met or removed stains together before?

LAVERNE

No.  (SOTTO TO SHIRLEY) This can't wait.

SHIRLEY

If you want to talk, pour this on me.  (HANDS HER A CATSUP SQUIRT BOTTLE; TO CROWD) Let's see how "Easy-Out" tackles stubborn catsup stains.

LAVERNE RELUCTANTLY SQUIRTS A SMALL DROP OF CATSUP ON SHIRLEY'S SMOCK.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(TO CROWD) Don't be shy ma'am.  Soil me to your heart's content.

LAVERNE

Please don't make me do this.

LAVERNE SQUEEZES CATSUP BOTTLE ACCIDENTLY [sic] GETTING SOME ON SHIRLEY'S FACE.

SHIRLEY

Be careful.  This stuff is murder on my complexion.  Just squirt the smock.

LAVERNE

(SQUIRTING MORE CATSUP) Alright [sic].  Now listen, I swear, I never meant for this to happen.  I really feel like a rat.  I'm out of catsup.

SHIRLEY

Ladies and Gentlemen, she's out of catsup.

THEY APPLAUD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

But "Easy-Out" says, bring on the jam.

LAVERNE

Not the jam.

THE SUPERVISOR EXITS.  SHIRLEY GIVES LAVERNE A BOWL OF JAM.  LAVERNE STARTS SPLATTERING IT ALL OVER SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Thanks.  Shirl, we're best friends, right?  So you know I'd never do nothing on purpose to hurt you.  This is about me and Carmine.

SHIRLEY

Wait one moment.  (UNBUTTONING SMOCK) Ma'am, you're a typical harried housewife.

LAVERNE NODS TO CROWD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

How many times have you seen Junior come home with an icky mess like this?

LAVERNE HOLDS UP THREE JAM COVERED FINGERS.  SHIRLEY SPRAYS THE SMOCK WITH "EASY-OUT", THEN PUTS IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(TO CROWD AS SHE DOES THE ABOVE ACTION) Correct.  Now, all we do is spray and toss the ick into the washing machine.  Your worries will disappear like magic, because with "Easy-Out", you can say goodbye to filthy goop...

SQUIGGY

Hello!

SQUIGGY POLITELY MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD ADLIBBING "EXCUSE ME" UNTIL HE REACHES SHIRLEY.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Good evening, Shirley.

SHIRLEY

Good evening, Squiggy.

LAVERNE

What are you doing here?

SQUIGGY

I am trying to have a civilized conversation.  I was about to ask Miss Feeney if this is the place where they're giving twenty dollars for invincible stains.

SHIRLEY

Yes, this is the place.  Now...

SQUIGGY

It's been a pleasure talking to you, Shirley.  Laverne, you have been very rude.  And thank you, bystanders for your kind attention.  (YELLS) Lenny!

LENNY ENTERS AND RUNS TO THE PLATFORM.  HE IS PUSHING A WHEELBARROW FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE.  THE WHEELBARROW HAS TWO SHOVELS IN IT.

LENNY

Stand back.  Hot Bosco coming through.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EACH TAKE A SHOVEL FULL OF CHOCOLATE AND THROW IT AT SHIRLEY.  THE BYSTANDERS RUN OFF.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Thank you, thank you.  Kindly send the twenty dollars to seven thirty-four Knapp Street, Apartment three "G".

LENNY

Shirl, may I be so bold as to lick you.

SHIRLEY

You idiots.  It says right on the can that Easy-Out removes chocolate stains.  You don't get the twenty dollars.

LENNY

This can't be.  The dog we tested it on didn't get clean.

LAVERNE

Go on you guys get out of here.

THE BOYS START OUT.

SQUIGGY

As God is my waitress, I'll find the stain to foil Easy-Out.

LENNY

And we'll never go hungry again.

THE BOYS EXIT.  LAVERNE PUTS A "CLOCK SIGN" ON THE TABLE THAT READS: "MISS EASY WILL BE BACK AT..." AND SETS THE CLOCK TO READ NINE P.M.

LAVERNE

There, you can take a break.

SHIRLEY

Oh Lord, my good party dress.  What am I gonna do?  I know I'll get fired.

LAVERNE

What's the difference?  It's Terry Buttafucco's job.  She can bring her schnoodles to work.

SHIRLEY

I lied about Terry Buttafucco and her dog.  Did you honestly believe that she could cross-breed?  Don't make me laugh.

LAVERNE

Then why are you working here?

SHIRLEY

I'm earning extra money for Carmine's birthday present.

LAVERNE

You're making this very hard.

SHIRLEY

Can you keep a secret?

LAVERNE

Funny you should mention that.

SHIRLEY

I'm getting him a brand new Timex with a Twist-O-Flex band.

LAVERNE

Speaking of Carmine.  Him and me have always been friends...

SHIRLEY

And the hands glow in the dark so he can tell what time it is when he's asleep.  But, now, he'll probably get nothing.  So what did you want to tell me?

LAVERNE

Carmine and I have a question.

SHIRLEY

What is it, Laverne?

LAVERNE

Carmine wants to eat his sweet potatoes but he has to know if it is an "s" food or a "p" food?

SHIRLEY

It's a "y" food for yams.

LAVERNE

Thanks.  Let's go tell him.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I'm covered with muck.

LAVERNE

We'll scrape you off and use you for dessert.

SHIRLEY

Do you think I'm a "b" for Bosco or a "c" for chocolate?

Many, many thoughts:

• Yes, they twice mention Shirley being on the platform in the opening stage directions.
• The supervisor keeps a dubious eye on Shirley and then later leaves without explanation.  I could see if he got called away to another department.  Maybe he stopped being dubious and decided Shirley could handle the demonstration after all.
• It's Miss Easy rather than Mrs. Easy, and yet Shirley claims to be married to Dr. Easy.  This gets the crowd to stop sexually harassing her.
• I like the wordplay on what "Easy-Out" is not.
• And I like Shirley's patter in general, such as whether she and "Madam" have ever met before, and "Junior."
• "Soil me to your heart's content" is just one of the suggestive lines, in or out of context, in this scene.
• How does Shirley know that catsup is bad for her complexion?  Did some get squirted on her the night before?
• To her credit, Laverne does try to confess, but clearly this is not the time or place.
• The crowd is easily impressed, applauding just for the catsup running out.
• Squiggy hellos on "filthy goop."  At least it wasn't on "ick."
• I'm amused by the "polite conversation," and Squiggy telling Laverne how rude she is.
• OK, so how much would enough Bosco to fill a wheelbarrow cost?  Is this from their secret stash in the chimney for nuclear emergencies?  And how did they heat that much and keep it hot?  Or is it "hot" in the sense of stolen?
• If the Bosco is literally hot, aren't the boys burning Shirley by throwing it at her?
• That is not the boys' address.  By this point in the series (as compared to some early Season One episodes, before it got set in stone), the apartment building is at 730 Knapp Street, not 734.  Furthermore, Apartment 3-G is probably not the boys' apartment number.  (It is likely a reference to the extremely long-running comic strip, from 1961 to 2015.)  So I'm going to assume that the boys plan to launder the money at someone else's place on the same block.
• Lenny would have to wait until the next season to lick chocolate off of Shirley.
• The boys have put their canine neighbors through so much, and chocolate can be toxic to dogs!  I would think Cindy would object to that line at least.
• Squiggy's "waitress" line would famously resurface a bit later in the season, on "You've Pushed Me Too Far."  Here we get a Lenny follow-up.
• Why is Shirley worried about her "good party dress" if Easy-Out is so great?
• Shirley in this episode is shocked to learn that Carmine and Laverne were involved three years earlier.  And now I'm shocked to learn that the whole Terry B & schnoodles story was a lie, to cover up for Shirley moonlighting to buy Carmine a nice watch.  Does Booboo Kitty know about this?
• Laverne's guilt made her want to confess, but now her guilt makes her keep the secret.  I guess she doesn't want to spoil Carmine's birthday.
• And does this mean Carmine is a summer baby?  The "Fifth Anniversary" episode suggests that Frank and Edna met on August 8, 1958.  I can kind of see Carmine as a Leo.
• Why does he need to know the time when he's asleep?
• So Shirley is going to be dessert for Carmine and Laverne?  I suppose that's one way to resolve the triangle.