"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scene C

And we go to a completely new set, and time:

INT. HEAVEN - ETERNITY

A NEARLY BARE STAGE WITH GROUND FOG AND VERY WHITE LIGHT.  THERE IS A GATE (PEARLY) STAGE LEFT.  NEXT TO THE GATE IS A SMALL GATEKEEPER'S BOOTH.  THERE IS AN ELEVATOR STANDING STAGE LEFT.  AN INDICATOR LIGHT GOES ON, ON THE ELEVATOR DOOR.  IT IS AN ARROW POINTING UP.  THE DOOR OPENS AND LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER HEAVEN.  THEY ARE WEARING LEOTARDS AND TIGHTS.  SHIRLEY IS ALSO WEARING HER HUBBA-HUBBA HINEY.  THE GIRLS LOOK AROUND FOR A BEAT AND THEN START TO JUMP UP AND DOWN, ADLIBBING "WE MADE IT!  WE MADE IT!"  SUDDENLY, LAVERNE DISAPPEARS INTO THE FOG.

The girls are actually in white choir robes, but otherwise this is mostly what's onscreen.

These lines were dropped after Laverne says she can see people stealing the furniture:

SHIRLEY

Isn't this exciting?  Do you realize the greatest figures in history are up here -- George Washington, William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc --

LAVERNE

The Big Bopper.

Instead we got the Gatekeeper and the girls cooing at each other.  And this was skipped after the Gatekeeper recognizes Shirley:

SHIRLEY CURTSIES.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

... and you must be Laverne De Fazio.

LAVERNE

God knows my name.

GATEKEEPER

I'm not God.  I work for God.

SHIRLEY

Are you God's secretary?

GATEKEEPER

Not yet, but I got my eye on the job.

GATEKEEPER GIGGLES; THE GIRLS GIGGLE.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

I'm the gatekeeper.  I'm here to make sure everyone who enters is qualified.

LAVERNE

We're qualified.  We're dead.

SHIRLEY

The man's just trying to do his job, Laverne.  (TO GATEKEEPER) She's so pushy.

GATEKEEPER

I know.  We'll start with you, Miss Feeney.

And then after the Gatekeeper reads Shirley's qualifications, this was omitted:

SOUND EFFECT.  SHIRLEY ELBOWS LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

I hate to say I told you so.

LAVERNE GRABS SHIRLEY BY THE NECK.

LAVERNE

Then don't say it.

LAVERNE IS STILL HOLDING SHIRLEY BY THE NECK AS SHE NOTICES HERSELF SLOWLY SINKING BENEATH THE FOG.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(FROM UNDER THE FOG) I'm sorry.

GATEKEEPER GESTURES "RISE" AND LAVERNE POPS UP OUT OF THE FOG.

GATEKEEPER

The naughty find the footing precarious.

LAVERNE

I'll be good.  Read my list now.

And then, instead of the Gatekeeper initially refusing Laverne, and Shirley having to plead for her, there was this sequence:

GATEKEEPER

Do you know what tremendous power I have?  Do you know what awesome responsibility it is to hold a human life in your hands? (BEAT)  Aw... what the heck... you're in.

THE GATEKEEPER INDICATES THAT THE GIRLS SHOULD WALK THROUGH THE GATE.  LAVERNE TAKES A STEP TOWARDS THE GATE.  GATEKEEPER STOPS HER.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

Ladies first.

SHIRLEY APPROACHES THE GATE, BELLS BEGIN TO RING AND A LOUD SIREN GOES OFF.  SHE STEPS BACK AND THE NOISE STOPS.

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry.   Is something the matter?

GATEKEEPER PRANCES THROUGH THE GATE AND BRINGS SHIRLEY BACK TO THE OTHER SIDE.

GATEKEEPER

Back, back, back.  Are you wearing a... how can I put this delicately?  (HE SQUEEZES HER BEHIND)  ...a padded tush?

LAVERNE

She bought a Hubba Hubba Hiney.  I want to see that on her list.

GATEKEEPER

I understand.  I used to have a charge account at Pierre of Peewaulkee myself.

LAVERNE

You wearing scanty panties?

GATEKEEPER

(TO LAVERNE) Catty, aren't we?  (TO SHIRLEY) I'm sorry, you'll have to remove it.  There's nothing false in Heaven.

SHIRLEY REMOVES HER HINEY AND DROPS IT.

LAVERNE

(YELLS) Duck!

GATEKEEPER

(WALKING IN FRONT OF HER) Shirley Feeney, welcome to Heaven.

And then the filmed scene picks up with the heavenly chorus of "Hallelujah" greeting Shirley.  However, rather than the chorus petering out for Laverne, the script had the song played on kazoo.

This was omitted after the girls try to fly together and "fall flat on their faces":

SHIRLEY

Not bad... I mean did the Wright Brothers make it the first time out?

LAVERNE

I don't know.  We'll ask them.

GATEKEEPER (V.O.)

And now, dead and in person, the celestial song stylings of the Big Ragu!

We lost Carmine saying he opens for the Big Bopper, and Laverne commenting, "I knew he was here."  As well as this bit:

GATEKEEPER (V.O.)

Show time, Mr. Ragusa.

CARMINE

Come by and see me after the show.

SHIRLEY

Does your dressing room door have a star on it?

CARMINE

No, I have a star with a dressing room door on it.

There is incidentally no description of the boys' outfits, although Carmine's white tuxedo is in the script.  Lenny and Squiggy's section of the scene made it in, although not Laverne telling Shirley, "I don't want to be the worst one up here."

And we lost a whole sequence with Frank and Edna:

FRANK AND EDNA ENTER.  THEY ARE WEARING BROOKLYN DODGER UNIFORMS AND WINGS.

FRANK

(SINGING) Brooklyn, I'm in Brooklyn... and my...

LAVERNE

Pop, Edna!  This is terrific.  Everybody I like made it.

SHIRLEY

You both look wonderful in your uniforms.  Why are you wearing uniforms?

FRANK

I pitch for the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Edna catches.  Every other day I strike out Ruth and Gehrig.

LAVERNE

(TO EDNA) I thought you hated baseball.

EDNA

I do.  So tomorrow we do what I want to do.

FRANK

Gimme a break.  I'm sick of the ballet.

EDNA

They're so graceful up here.  It's like they're dancing on air.

FRANK

They are dancing on air.

EDNA

Come on, Frank.  I don't want to miss the Star Spangled Banner.  I get to sing it.  That's my favorite part.

FRANK AND EDNA EXIT.

In a script already with memorable stage directions, here are some more:

SEVERAL VERY HANDSOME MEN ENTER, DRESSED AS VARIOUS TYPES SIMILAR TO THE "VILLAGE PEOPLE".  (A POLICEMAN, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, COWBOY AND A SAILOR).  THEY ALL HAVE WINGS.

And they were supposed to sing "Heaven..," rather than Laverne, but presumably the extras would've had to be paid extra for that.

Many thoughts:

• There are definitely more famous people mentioned in the script, especially the Big Bopper, than would make it to air.
• The gatekeeper is more effeminate in this version, with his giggling, prancing, and lingerie-buying, which is interesting.  If he's gay, then this tells this something about Shirley's subconscious thoughts about homosexuality and religion.  Maybe.
• The flatness of Laverne's "We're qualified.  We're dead" makes me snicker.
• What the heck was the sound effect after Shirley's qualifications?  All the other sounds are described.
• Laverne's unladylike behavior is a bigger deal in the script and I'm glad that was mostly omitted.  (Although I like kazoos.)
• I like the little "awesome responsibility" speech, but not as much as I like Shirley's sisterhood onscreen at that point.
• Dude, what if she wasn't wearing padding?  You can't just go around pinching people's tushes!  Writer Al Aidekman really had people being inappropriate with Shirley's hiney in this version.
• OK, so the girls are wearing leotards and tights in this version, right?  How does Shirley remove her false behind in a lady-like manner?  Furthermore, is it now plummeting to Earth?  If so, I hope it hits the people stealing the girls' furniture.
• I like the star with the dressing room door on it.
• Wait, what does that mean "everybody" Laverne likes?  She only likes six people?  Or is it that Shirley thinks Laverne likes only six people?  I guess they could've had her say "everybody I love," but that might've raised different questions.
• So Shirley thinks Frank thinks Brooklyn is Heaven?  Or just playing for the Dodgers?
• Does Edna hate baseball?  I don't remember her doing anything in "Lenny's Crush," but that's not proof one way or the other, except I guess she's at least she's not a big Braves (or Pirates) fan.
• She prefers singing and dancing of course.
• My gosh, all this time I thought it was just super ironic that the hunky passengers happened to look like two-thirds of The Village People, and now it turns out to be deliberate!  If Aidekman knew their gay reputation (and not everyone did in '79, believe it or not), then that makes this scene even queerer.