"Upstairs, Downstairs," Scenes D, E, and H

We go back to the girls' bedroom, still at "night."  But Scene D, for a change, basically made it in.  So we move on to Scene E, which is only half a page:

INT. HELL - ETERNITY

THE SAME SET AS HEAVEN, BUT REDRESSED.  GROUND FOG NOW RESEMBLES STEAM.  THE "GATE" AND GATEKEEPER'S BOOTH ARE DIRTY AND RUNDOWN.  THE ATMOSPHERE "DEVILS" ARE HARD AT WORK DOING MINING-TYPE ACTIVITIES.  THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS, REVEALING LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.  THEY ARE DRESSED IN RED LEOTARDS AND TIGHTS AND ARE WEARING HORNS AND TAILS.  SHIRLEY HAS ON HER HUBBA HUBBA HINEY.  THEY PEER OUTSIDE THE ELEVATOR AND REALIZE WHERE THEY ARE.

This time, those costumes did make it in (minus the HHH), although the girls are also wearing red shorts.  The only line is Laverne's "I'm sorry," which did air.  And so ends Act One.

The next act and scene open on the same set, the time now "eternity (continuous action)."  They skipped Shirley's line, "Laverne, please don't tell me we've gone where the goblins go," and a bit later, Laverne's reply to the gatekeeper's "Well, if it ain't Feeney and DeFazio": "You're right, it ain't.  We'll go find 'em and send 'em down."

The exchange between Laverne and devil-Lenny right after his and Squiggy's arrival originally had her saying, "Aw, please tell me I'm dreaming," and him replying, "As a matter of fact, you are. But meanwhile, start groveling."  Onscreen, this became her saying that this is the first thing that's made sense, and him warning her about being fricasseed.

We lost Lenny calling Shirley "my proud pretty" when she wants to beat up a puppy.  And then after he says they're going to get job assignments, there was this:

SHIRLEY

We're really not looking for work right now.

SQUIGGY

Quiet, wench!  We have full employment here.  Hardware!  Bring me the tools of their trade.

TWO ATMOSPHERE DEVILS ENTER WITH PITCHFORKS FOR THE GIRLS.

LAVERNE

Big forks.  This is terrible, Shirl.  They're going to make us eat big food.

Onscreen, that dialogue was dropped, and the pitchforks already have large marshmallows on them, while in the script two other devils have to put the marshmallows on the forks.

Shirley's line about the Devil, "Ooh.  Does he like them just crispy brown on the outside and gooey in the middle?" and Squiggy's answer, "No -- white on the outside but black in the middle.  That's the tricky part" was replaced by Squiggy's Jack the Ripper reference.

After Lenny reminds the girls to keep their hell clean, Laverne originally said, "I'll remember this as long as I live," before realizing, "And then some!"  They dropped Shirley calling Laverne "the bad seed."

After Laverne says Shirley has done "all kinds of rotten things," Shirley originally snapped, "You stinky little fibber!"  Then Laverne said, "Oh yeah?  Who went out and bought Chef Boyardee for the home ec spaghetti final?"

Carmine was supposed to be in "a red suit," rather than a vest and no shirt, presumably to show off his arms and chest.  (So we got beefcake instead of extra cheesecake on air, interesting.)

In the script, Squiggy does order Carmine to start singing again, but the "offkey" was added.

Another omitted exchange between the girls was Laverne's "I make one little mistake and you act like it's the end of the world," followed by "It is.  Laverne, face it -- you're a rotten egg."

This part was mostly left out or changed:

EDNA

Frank, look.  It's Laverne, our one-way ticket to hell.

FRANK

(MAKING HAND GESTURES) Boy, do I owe her one of these.

LAVERNE

Pop, don't hit.  What'd I do?

FRANK

Don't play stupid.  You gave me ten bucks of that dirty money so I could buy a new pizza oven.  All of a sudden, I started making money.

Edna does not call Laverne a "one-way ticket to hell" in the filmed version.  Frank doesn't make the hand gestures and his line about dirty money was modified and given to Edna, although he does chime in "Dirty money!"

Shirley telling Laverne, "Your family's here, your friends are here, I'm here" was improved to her saying she's "one of Devil's Campfire Girls."

Everyone was supposed to "poke and prod Laverne with their pitchforks" at the end of the scene, because this script does not respect personal boundaries.

Thoughts:

• I like the repeated joke of "Eternity" as a time.
• Shirley is wearing the HHH again, but I guess it's not a big deal because, you know, it's Hell.
• I'm here for the Wizard of Oz joke of course.
• Laverne tries to get out of serving time in Hell, while three seasons later she'd use a false name and end up on Death Row.
• The script is in some ways more playful and less literal than the version that aired, with Carmine's dressing room star earlier and here Lenny going meta that this is in fact Laverne's dream.
• Lenny calls Shirley his proud pretty, and Squiggy calls her a wench.  File that under your shipping notes if you like.
• Laverne, on the other hand, gets insulted and abused more in this version of the episode, especially by Shirley.
• We learn elsewhere that Shirley doesn't properly eat spaghetti, and here we find out she once pretended she could cook it.  (And what about her cheating on the Biology test with the frog, which came up towards the end of last season?)