"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapters Fourteen to Sixteen

"The once-hilarious network flagship was now a run-of-the-mill sitcom populated with forced jokes and canned laughter."  Not unlike this book.  (Sorry not sorry.)

Rhonda and Donna sell a pilot to NBC called Little Doggies, "about two girls who leave their home in Seattle to become rodeo stars in New Mexico."  Barry wants to leave the show, too, but can't since Bobby refuses to let Tommy leave.

They start working on an episode about Uncle Sal coming to work for Billy & Patti.  Billy repeatedly puts Uncle Sal down.  Ben Fisher is so unhappy about "doing crap like this," he pulls a gun out!  Luckily, he's a bad shot.  Bobby manages to take the gun away, but he's unhappy because Bobby Mitchell shows should be fun.

Billy realizes that they'll all get paid for the whole season, even if it's not finished.

In the next chapter, Barry has a chance to do a cable show about "two girls from Missouri who move to the south of France to become lifeguards."

In Chapter Sixteen, he does the new show and it's not funny but it does have topless women, so it's a hit.  Barry gets back with his ex-wife.  And I'm grateful I didn't pay for this novel.

"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapter Thirteen

John Bracca, the 37-year-old Executive Vice President of Paragon, is mad at Barry because Lorraine has quit to "direct a fucking movie."  (No, not porn.)  Bobby is also mad.

Mimi wants to wrap up the season by January because she's acting in a different "fucking movie."

Barry suggests they write the Connie character out for a few episodes, and then they can marry her off or kill her.

Mimi gives the writers a pep talk but they laugh in her face because of her voice.  She tells them she's now executive producer.  She gets both her and Lorraine's salaries and her husband, Larry Brogan, is now a consultant.

Mimi suggests they do an episode where she wears big hats.  After she leaves, the writers fight with Larry.  They get John Bracca on their side.  Larry tells them, "You people are going to rue the day you crossed Larry Brogan," through "clenched teeth" no less.  Barry calls him Snidely Whiplash and helpfully explains to the reader that he is "comparing Larry to Dudley Dooright's [sic] arch enemy."

Rhonda Silverman, the plain writer who isn't so plain now that she's getting laid regularly (don't ask), suggests that Mimi do a fashion show where she has to wear big hats, "like an Eiffel Tower hat for France."

The episodes get worse, especially since Mimi wants her character to do nice things, so "America would love her."  However, "America wanted to laugh at her.  They wouldn't care if she killed babies as long as it was funny."

The show isn't as good without Lorraine, and guest stars don't help, not even "JoAnn Worley, the best of the lot."  

It is now 1980 by the way.

Barry starts seeing a shrink, which helps somewhat, but the show is still a headache.  And then....

Even Donna can't come up with a good solution, but luckily the writer from the Wrestle a Nude Woman club has an inspiration:

They do some more Billy & Patti stories, and then Mimi breaks out in hives.

I'm sure MMK would love creating a comedy classic like Spinal Tap being equated to playing a cocaine dealer.  As for the rest, sheesh!  Wait till we get to Chapter Fourteen....

"Doo-Wop-Wop"

To further refresh the viewers' memories on the night that Laverne & Shirley premiered, we get another crossover (non-L&S review here https://relivinghappydays.blogspot.com/2021/03/fonzie-superstar.html), so it's time for another minisode, from January 27, 1976, at approximately 8:15 p.m. (or almost twelve minutes into it on the DVD), it's "Fonzie the Superstar" and his backup singers:

• Fonzie calls out the girls' names and tells them to get in here, meaning into Arnold's.
• Laverne's blouse indeed has an L and, well, she looks more stacked than usual.
• He's surprising them by making them his backup singers.  Ralph resents this and the girls aren't thrilled.
• Fonzie uses the nickname "Vernie," which is kind of sweet.
• Shirley says Carnegie Hall is so classy they don't serve beer.
• Fonzie has been promising Laverne a great date, so he's going to put Friday night aside.  I think this becomes their date in "Society Party," but I wouldn't swear to that kind of continuity.
• The girls start singing backup.
• There's a moment around 13:13 where Fonzie looks at Laverne and grins, which feels like HW breaking character in amusement at PM.
• The girls have to do backup twice but Fonzie is too nervous to sing.
• As the girls follow Fonzie out, Laverne says Shirley was flat, in the singing sense.  Shirley says she was the one in the glee club, but Laverne says Shirley was a mouther.  This is their most civilized argument so far.
• The girls are sitting and waiting at the beginning of the next scene, since Fonzie hasn't shown up yet.  When he arrives with Richie, Richie hands Laverne his guitar and she strums a sour note.  (I half expected her to start singing like in LAS Season Six.)
• Arnold tells the two girls that they'll eat later, presumably after the show.  They don't look happy, as if they were promised free food.
• When the restless, mostly female crowd starts chanting, "We want Fonzie!", L & S whisper inaudibly and uneasily.
• The girls are in matching outfits, and Laverne (who still looks busty) is not wearing an L.
• Shirley comforts her when she says, "There goes my Friday night!" after Richie says Fonzie hit his head in the men's room.
• Shirley takes Laverne's hand and says, "They don't need us."
• But Arnold will sing "By the Light of the Silvery Moon" in the key of "Asia Minor," as the girls sing backup.
• Richie introduces the girls as "direct from the bottle-capping department of the Shotz Brewery," which I think is the first time the brewery gets named in canon.  He gives their full names and calls them the Arnoldettes.
• When the crowd throws things, Laverne looks like she wants to punch someone.
• The girls link arms and use their scarves, and somehow Laverne also holds the microphone.
• Fonzie finally goes on, reciting "Heartbreak Hotel," so the girls become backup dancers instead.
• When he gets into it more, he tells L & S to knock themselves out, so they both start shimmying.
• They can be seen looking at and perhaps talking to each other.
• Shirley flees when the girls in the crowd rush the stage.  I assume that Laverne hides over by Ralph and the piano.
• In the tag, Laverne wants to sell Fonzie's fringes, and she quickly convinces Shirley.
• Laverne kisses Fonzie goodbye on the cheek and says they'll see him Friday.
• Shirley's exit line is to ask Laverne how much she thinks they can get for these fringes.  Laverne says, "See?  Now it's we.  Now it's we."

NOW.  IT'S.  WE.  Penny and Cindy are utterly convincing as best friends here, completely supportive (especially, of course, Shirley supporting Laverne), squabbling a little but having roughly the same goal.  Shirley already seems much more demure than she did when first introduced, although still very working-class.  (She's a lady who works in the brewery, and she makes that not a contradiction.)  Laverne is maybe a bit less of a floozy now, although she sure wants that great date with Fonzie.  There aren't really any Shirley/Richie moments here, but he's mostly just trying to make sure the gig runs smoothly and worrying about his own best friend.

Not canonical to later (besides Shirley's accent obviously) is that Laverne thinks she's a better singer than Shirley.

"Laverne & Shirley & Booker"

Note that Laverne has her orange-lined coat, which she doesn't take off during her brief stay, so there's no telling if she's wearing an L.  I mean, I assume she is.  And no word yet on the girls' hymens.

Unlike their memorable debut, the girls' second quasi-crossover has them being shoehorned into an already meh episode.  (Reviewed here: https://relivinghappydays.blogspot.com/2021/03/football-frolics.html)  It's one week before the mid-season premiere of the spin-off, but on Happy Days it's shortly before Mardi Gras, a traveling late winter holiday, which confirms my theory that "A Date with Fonzie" is not actually set on Valentine's week but instead Arnold put the decorations up to give the diner a "romantic" feel.  (Maybe they were on sale.)  If this is 1958, Mardi Gras was February 18th, if 1959 (also possible) Feb. 10th, so I really doubt "DWF" is also from February.

Anyway, unlike in the debut of Laverne and Shirley, there's no set-up or anticipation.  The girls just show up, then leave, return, and leave again.  Let's see what we learn in this minisode:

• At about the fifteen-minute mark, someone knocks on the door and Richie answers, pleasantly surprised to see Shirley.
• She and Laverne have brought a kid for the mass babysitting "camp" Richie and his buddies are running in the Cunningham home.
• Laverne drags in a little Black boy with his arm in a sling.  This is Booker, whom Shirley promised they'd babysit, on the same night that Laverne set up a double date with "two big spenders."  At this point, the viewer (if recalling their earlier episode) must assume that the girls only go on double dates.
• Booker hurt his arm breaking up a fight between Shirley and Laverne (yes, the names in that order), suggesting the girls still fight with each other a lot.
• Laverne doesn't want to pick Booker up until the Fall, and Shirley says Laverne has no sense of responsibility and wanted to leave him in a bus terminal locker.
• Shirley says she doesn't like Laverne's jokes, so Laverne makes a pig face and then tickles her, making her laugh.
• The girls exit after a minute and a half.
• The audience claps a little after they leave.
• Booker tries to escape through the kitchen, but the girls are waiting for him.
• Shirley picks him up and Laverne takes his shoes, "again."
• Laverne suggests they hang the shoes from the rear-view mirror.  Again, notice that the girls own a car at this point.
• Shirley is much nicer to Booker and tells him he could grow up to be president someday.  Laverne asks why Shirley is lying to him, since "he's got a broken arm, no shoes, and a lot of other problems."  I don't know if she's being racist, but I hope not.
• The girls exit arguing about whether Booker could grow up to be president, less than three minutes after Shirley knocked on the front door.  Myron has much more of an impact on the episode than they do.

I assumed at first that the girls heard about the babysitting project from Fonzie, but it turns out he has no idea about it and is annoyed by the noise.  It really stretches the limits of plausibility that they somehow knew of the camp, without contacting Richie or Fonzie, when it's in another part of Milwaukee that they presumably have only been to once before.  On their own show, they would probably have asked Lenny & Squiggy, or maybe Terry Buttafucco.  

"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapter Twelve

So it's a new season and all the other writers have made life changes, including Tommy finding Jesus.  The two writing partners/co-producers meet with The Ladies and ask them for story ideas.  Mimi suggests the following, which Barry surprisingly likes:

1. "I think we should be hypnotized and act like chickens."
2. Patti and Connie should be in a Murphy bed.
3. They should go skiing.

Lorraine comes up with:

1. "What if we went somewhere and we were really bored?"
2. "Well, what if we were buried in sand on the beach?"

The chicken show goes into production, but Lorraine is unhappy.  She hates the rest of the cast and she wants to direct feature films.  Barry encourages her to do what makes her happy.

The Ladies fight after the chicken show, even though it goes well.  Lorraine calls Mimi a bitch for getting in her shot.  Howie (I don't remember who Howie is and I don't care) tries to intervene but his bird dies.  Lorraine is unsympathetic, so Mimi calls her "the coldest cunt."  Lorraine "stomps off" to her dressing room.

Plus there's a lot of stuff in this chapter about Barry buying a new car, which makes a nice change from him whining about his love life.

"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapters Seven to Eleven

There's almost nothing about the cast and you can skip these five chapters, unless you want to see Sotkin's racism, fat-shaming, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia coalesce as he goes to a club to "Wrestle a Nude Woman."  (And somehow recruits another writer.)

OK, there is Lorraine LaBarbara hanging out with Penny Marshall and Terry [sic] Garr on p. 189, but she understandably doesn't introduce Barry to her "celebrity friends."

"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapters Five and Six

We can skip over Chapter Five, which is more about Barry, his wife, and her guru, and move on to the chapter "Casting the Monkey."  They've been wanting to have an episode with a monkey for awhile, and now finally they can, thanks to Donna Morris, who's written "a terrific script":

Everyone loves the script, even Willy and Billy, who usually improvise and throw off everyone else's timing in the read-through.  Well, everyone loves it except for Ben, who resists kissing the monkey but gives in as long as he doesn't have to call the monkey his best friend, because Uncle Sal's best friend has already been established as "Frank from the bowling alley."  Barry resolves the conflict and then it's on to casting monkeys, with the help of the very stereotypically gay casting director.  

Also of note (yes, I've gotten tired of transcribing longer passages):

And the chapter of course ends with Barry feeling conflicted about possibly having an affair with his not-yet-in-this-extended-flashback mistress.

Getting back to the fictionalized version of LAS, I don't know how literally we're meant to take this version of how the "Short on Time" episode, which was written by Jack Lukes, came to be.  By the way, I looked, and Sotkin actually isn't credited with having a consistent writing partner for LAS, and he in fact wrote many episodes by himself.  I suppose there was some collaboration going on, but maybe "Tommy" is a composite character.

And, yep, there's a reference to "A Visit to the Cemetery" and sort of to the "Festival" two-parter.

Note that Sotkin thinks the home audience as well as the studio audience was composed of morons.

"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapter Four

At this point in the story, Barry and his cokehead partner (OK, the name is Tommy) are still waiting to officially be made producers.  There's some stuff about the warm-up, but let's cut right to the goods:

Needless to say, this is the highlight of the chapter.  Bobby doesn't show up, allegedly because of colon trouble but Barry assumes it's because Bobby doesn't want to admit that he hasn't made a decision about the producer credits.  And then there's some stuff about Tommy and his mother and I doubt you care, because I don't.

The writing partners have to tell The Ladies that Bobby won't be there that night.  Lorraine is cool about it but she does expose her "lovely left breast" to them in her dressing room.  Mimi on the other hand throws things and yells, until it all ends in a sing-along?

Ben goes into a rage but they don't stick around to deal with it.  They pass Larry Brogan hitting on an uncomfortable Donna Morris, so Barry rescues her by claiming Lorraine wants to talk to her.

Willy and Billy are stoned.  They hate Bobby because they were promised equal billing and now they're "very funny second bananas."

Barry does the warm-up.  W & B recite the poem "Baby Land."  "The Ladies are their usual dull selves" when introduced to the audience, who love them anyway.

The show goes very smoothly, but Barry has to praise Mimi afterwards.  "When you guys got on the roof and did that thing like you were skiing...I peed."

The rest of the chapter is about Barry's love life.  And the next chapter is about going to see his wife's guru.

So it turns out Sotkin hates the audience as well as the cast?  Good to know.  But I'd rather be an abnormal female fan I guess.  And I'm sure the late Penny Marshall would appreciate the shoutout to her chest.

"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapters Two and Three

Chapter Two flashes back to the early days of Barry's relationship with his wife, so we'll just skip over it.

Chapter Three opens with them arriving in Hollywood.  I'm going to also skip over pages 41 to 49, and then he's finally back to In the Swim on p. 50.

• Lorraine and Mimi object to a string of producers.  "The Ladies," as they are sarcastically known, "love firing producers."
• "Fortunately, the writing staff was usually left in tact [sic] so that production of the show could continue."
• Lorraine's friends tell her the show is funny but not hip, so she hires her crazy friend Erica to produce it and make it more hip.
• Mimi objects to Erica, so Lorraine promises her that they can do four "Patti shows" in a row.
• Barry and his cokehead partner (well, he might be a pothead at this point in the story, I'm skimming) start producing the show.
• "In truth, Bobby had little to do with the everyday running of In the Swim.  He hated the bickering that went on so he avoided the show as much as possible."
• Despite the premise of In the Swim, Mimi hates her hair getting wet because she looks like a stork.
• There's some more backstage drama, mostly about the writers and producers, who I don't know well enough to know who they were in real life, so I'll gloss over that.
• I forgot to mention last time that this is set at "Paragon Studios."
• Some backstory on Barry's mistress ensues, although Barry is non-sexually in love with his fellow writer Donna Morris, who is tall and married.
• An explanation of rewrites, including when Lorraine and Mimi hate the scripts.
• More about Donna.  I don't know if this is meant to be Judy Ervin Pioli, but if so, she should probably sue, too.
• Barry has his neighbor write an episode and it's about "Connie and Patti going to the White House and hiding under the president's bed."  If this is based on an actual spec script, I desperately want to read it now.  ("Shirl, Kennedy slept here!")
• Donna patiently listens to Barry's marital woes and offers him drugs.  She also suggests he have an affair, but not with her.  Luckily, Barry has a hot secretary who's always showing off her legs

"A Date with Shirley"

It is now time to look at the "Laverne & Shirley" portion of the November 11, 1975 Happy Days episode, "A Date with Fonzie."  My Happy-Days-specific review is at https://relivinghappydays.blogspot.com/2021/03/a-date-with-fonzie.html.  Here's what we can cull for (or maybe against) LAS canon:

• The episode aired in November of 1975, in the middle of HD's third season, and yet there are Valentine's decorations up at Arnold's.  That Richie and Shirley's second date will be "eleven and a half months" later, and Richie is still magically a seventeen-year-old high school senior, only confuses the issue.
• As Fonzie is dialing Laverne & Shirley's phone number, he tells Richie that these girls don't know the word no.
• We don't hear the girls' half of the phone call, but Laverne answers and then Fonzie has her put Shirley on so Richie can say hi.
• Fonzie gives them the invitation and then hangs up.  They apparently know where Arnold's is, or can find out.
• Fonzie describes Shirley as "a very cute girl," but "not your usual type of girl."  She is a little bit older than Richie, and "wouldn't give him a hard time," if you get his drift.  And she's "a good sport."  I suppose it could be argued that he means that she'll be kind to Richie and maybe make out with him.  Or Shirley hasn't yet regrown her hymen.
• The girls don't look drastically different than they would in their own Season One.  Laverne even has an L on her blouse.
• She loudly calls Fonzie "Fonzie" and he greets her as "DeFazio."
• Shirley quickly snuggles up to Richie, her head on his shoulder, which would become a signature move, sometimes preceded by the Shirley Shimmy.
• Richie, who's wearing a tie and a handkerchief, helps Shirley off with her coat.  He is probably more of a gentleman than she's used to, even in later canon.
• Laverne takes off her own coat, which she'd wear on her series.
• Shirley thinks Richie is nice and is impressed by the tie, but she resents Laverne's hanky remark, which will have, if you think about it, long-ranging consequences.
• This Laverne apparently can drive but doesn't have insurance, which shocks Richie.
• Shirley is relatively more lady-like than Laverne and at least excuses them so they can argue in the ladies' room.
• Laverne and Shirley are "a little more boisterous than Fonzie likes," and actually he does seem to prefer the quieter types, like Paula Petralunga.
• Fonzie tells Richie that Laverne and Shirley don't usually get along and they fight.  (If my theory is correct that Shirley was putting on an act for Richie, Fonzie must've been in on it.)
• The girls yell and then when Laverne emerges, she says she held Shirley's face under the sink.  The subject of the argument was Laverne's "crude" remark about Richie's hanky.
• Laverne scares Potsie and Ralph since they keep staring at her, although can you blame them?  (She'll scare Potsie more pleasantly a year later.)
• Laverne calls Richie "Red," as I believe she would in subsequent crossovers.
• Shirley is in a slinky black dress with a broken strap.
• She again rests her head on Richie's shoulder, perhaps for comfort this time.
• Saturday night is the girls' big night out, and hitting each other "gets their blood up," if you get Fonzie's drift.  Richie is understandably dubious about this.
• On their way out of Arnold's, Laverne fusses with the fallen "dip" in Shirley's hair, while Shirley brushes her off, which feels very them.
• Laverne is happy to get some alone time with Fonzie, but not if it's in the kitchen.  (It's in his "penthouse," as he calls it.)
• On the way out the back door, Fonzie says, "I respect you, Laverne."  Take that as you wish.
• Shirley calls Laverne a bimbo but her best friend.
• She puts Richie's arm around her.
• She works at the still-nameless brewery as a bottle-capper.
• She doesn't mind taking off her sweater before she finds out that Richie's cufflink is hooked in it, but she doesn't want the sweater damaged, since she just bought it at the dime store.
• Once the sweater is safe, she puts her head on Richie's shoulder again.
• He's nervous, so he goes to get her beer, pretzels, and chips.  She's agreeable to whatever he suggests.
• While he's in the kitchen, he asks about the fight.  She says she told Laverne she has "a mouth like a sewah."  She recreates the argument and refers to Laverne's "chubby little hand."
• The punch, by the way, is spectacularly timed, and the audience of course goes crazy, especially when she offers to "kiss the boo-boo."
• Having his family come home in the middle of it is icing on the cake.  Shirley's first impulse is to try to fix her broken strap.
• I love that Richie's parents shake hands with Shirley in the midst of the chaos after Richie introduces them.
• Shirley calls out to Laverne, who probably can't hear her over the sound of Fonzie breathing heavily and playing Johnny Mathis.  (I assume.)
• Shirley is sympathetic, Richie apologetic.
• With sensitivity that we wouldn't expect from a gum-chewing bimbo, she knows that Richie was pushed into this and says that if he wants to go out again, he can call her, so she'll know it's his idea.  (Ironically, she'll call him.  Although I assume they see each other on the upcoming HD crossovers this season.)
• He clearly does want to go out with her, despite this disastrous date, and she says a girl would have to be "nuts" to not want to date "a cute kid" like him.  Showing confidence for the first time this episode, he asks for a goodnight kiss, and she tells him, "You bet!"
• The kiss lasts over ten seconds and must be quite a good one, since someone in the audience whistles, and Richie hides part of it by closing the door.
• Shirley is going to make Laverne hitch home.  One hopes Fonzie gave her a ride on his motorcycle.  (No, that's not a euphemism.)

So, yes, this is not The Girls As We Know Them, but then again, with hindsight, I can see why the characters developed as they did.  And, yes, I still ship Richie/Shirley.  Despite their different backgrounds, they have things in common and she is indeed the right girl to give him back his confidence, while he treats her like the lady she wants to be.  And, clearly, they enjoy kissing each other.

As for Laverne and Fonzie, well, that would morph into something less earthy, but their relationship four years later in the "Shotgun Wedding" two-parter is not all that foreign to this episode.

"With Time Off for Bad Behavior," Chapter One

Marc Sotkin, one of the writers and producers of Laverne & Shirley, has written a novel loosely based on his experiences in Hollywood.  It is free to download and so I will review at least some of it.  However, I will probably not judge the quality of it but rather pass on the fictionalized tidbits:

• I'm not going to go into the whole thing of narrator Barry Klein, a Jewish television writer-producer, cheating on his wife, unless this has some bearing on his scripts.
• I will note, however, that Barry's writing partner is a cokehead.
• It's 1979 and Barry works on a show called In the Swim, about "two girls, Connie and Patti, who leave their homes in Chicago to become lifeguards in L.A."
• The executive producer and creator of the show is Bobby Mitchell, "at forty-four, the hottest guy in all of TV."
• Most of Bobby's shows are variations on two girls from Place No. 1 moving to Place No. 2 to pursue some career, and they do very well in the ratings.  One of these shows is called Doing It Our Way.
• The one exception to Bobby's success is We Want It All, which is "mired at number sixty-six" and "is the story of eight girls from all over the place who live together and want to be dancers in Vegas."  (Sotkin co-wrote the episode "Blansky for the Defense.")
• This can't possibly be a satire of Garry Marshall, because Sotkin name-checks Norman Lear and Garry Marshall.  Also, Bobby is only 5'3" and has a 47-inch waist.
• "Ben Fisher plays Connie's crusty Uncle Sal on In the Swim.  Sal owns the bait shop on the show, above which Connie and Patti live, and right next door to Willy and Billy, two wacky morons who cut up chum for a living."
• Ben is a show-biz veteran with "mediocre" material, but in 1956 Bobby Mitchell became his joke writer.  And Bobby is very loyal.
• In the Swim is "probably the most emotionally taxing show being produced on network television."
• Its stars, Lorraine LaBarbara and Mimi Simms, are complete opposites.  Lorraine is "a big, busty blonde," and "not technically pretty, but with an earthy beauty that suggests a joy of life not that different from everyone's favorite waitress at the local diner." Mimi is "petite" and "manic."
• They hate each other because Lorraine, who plays Connie, is thought to be Bobby's favorite.  When Lorraine was three, Bobby cast her in a neighborhood production as Hitler's daughter, and she's been like a little sister ever since.  (Later in the chapter, we'll find out that Bobby is from Brooklyn.)
• Mimi is paranoid and counts her lines, so Bobby makes sure Lorraine has more lines, "just to piss Mimi off."
• Mimi has a voice like "the queen of the Munchkins" and "Chip 'n' Dale."
• "For no apparent reason, [the leads] both hate the writers.  Everyone hates Ben.  And nobody particularly likes Willy and Billy, the actual names of the actors who play Willy and Billy."
• And that's about it for backstage gossip for the next six or seven pages, unless you care about Barry's boring love life.
• Then on pp. 19-20 we learn that Mimi recently married Larry Brogan, a 32-year-old "drunk" and "womanizer" on his fourth marriage.  Mimi thinks she can keep him from "straying," although she's "a plain girl without much sex appeal."
• There's some more about how untalented bushy-eyebrowed Ben is, and how poor Barry has to choose between his wife and girlfriend.

So the big question here is, why hasn't Cindy Williams sued?  Not that anyone comes off well, but I can't imagine the late Penny Marshall minding too much how "Lorraine" is described, while Sotkin is truly vicious about "Mimi."  For that matter, I can't imagine Michael McKean being thrilled by the novel, although I'll reserve judgment on that until I can find out more about "Willy and Billy."  (I assume they are named after their characters because MMK and DLL had created "the boys" before LAS.)

Also, notice the clever way that Sotkin reversed the P & C initials.  No one will ever see through that!

"How's Your Sister?", Scene H

 The tag is set at Cowboy Bill's, during the day:

THE RESTAURANT IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.  CARMINE SITS ALONE AT ONE OF THE TABLES, LOOKING DEPRESSED AND RESTING HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND.  LAVERNE ENTERS CARRYING HER WAITRESS UNIFORM.

CARMINE

Laverne, what are you doing here?  I thought you were working double shifts at the space plant?

LAVERNE

I was.  I made so much money that it pushed me into a higher tax bracket.  Now I gotta work here to get even.

This was omitted and the filmed scene starts with her already sitting at his table.

In the script, when Squiggy says that Squen "may not be the prettiest girl in the world," he adds, "In fact she may be the ugliest," while onscreen he says that neither is he himself.

The two nameless and lineless last guest characters are described as "beautiful women."  In the script, Squiggy tells them, "It seems Carmine can't join us.  He has a previous appointment with bad judgment," while onscreen he tells them that Carmine thinks their insides are ugly.

Laverne stops Carmine from following Squiggy and the two women in both versions, but this was what left out of the filming:

LAVERNE

Don't do it to yourself, Carmine.  You're never gonna find inner beauty in women like that.

CARMINE

Yeah, but it's gonna be fun looking.

And then he runs off.

It's too bad that in an episode where Laverne doesn't have much to do, her whole sub-subplot was cut.  (And no wonder she can afford the apartment on her own now.)  Other than that, I can take or leave both versions of Squiggy's material.  And notice that in the script, Carmine definitely doesn't learn his lesson.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene E

We go back to Laverne's apartment, the next day.  The first page made it in with very minor changes in phrasing, but this was omitted after Carmine says he has to say something:

SQUENDELYN

Yes?

CARMINE

I...

SQUENDELYN

Yes?

CARMINE

Yesterday at the party, I...

And this was left out after Squen says that Squiggy picked the right man to show her a good time:

SQUENDELYN

...You made me feel special last night.  You made me feel like a real woman.

CARMINE

That's cause you are a real woman.

SQUENDELYN

You ain't so bad yourself, ya Big Ragoo.

After Carmine says he'll start singing the minute Squen gets on the plane, Squen onscreen says she'll fly with the windows open, while in the script it's less of a punchline, as she says, "Oh, you're so romantic."

Act Two ends with their exit.

I can see why these exchanges were cut for time, but they make Carmine a bit more sympathetic.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene D

This scene is set "party - several nights later."  Since the party is supposed to be on a Saturday, but less than a week later (since Rhonda didn't say "next Saturday" or similar), then I'll assume that Scenes B and C were set on a Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday, with Scene A the day before.

IT IS THE HUGE LIVING ROOM OF A PALATIAL HOME.  MANY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN AND NOT TOO MANY MEN ARE MILLING ABOUT.  RHONDA IS TALKING WITH A GOOD-LOOKNG MAN.  A FEW COUPLES ARE DANCING TO THE PIANO MUSIC.  CARMINE AND SQUENDELYN ENTER.  CARMINE IS WEARING A DERBY PULLED LOW OVER HIS FACE.

They added Squendelyn exclaiming over the party and pulling Carmine in.  Also the "little Squendy Wendy" is probably a Landerian addition.  In the script, Squen calls Carmine a "teddy bear," while onscreen it's "bad widdle rabbit."

They deleted Squendelyn "passing Squiggy on the way," as she goes to hang up Carmine's hat, and Squig telling his sister, "My goodness.  You're a woman.  You've grown up behind my eyes.

Terri and Tanya are described in the script as "two good lookers."

In the script, Squen calls Carmine "my impetuous little party boy," while onscreen it's "my impetuous little Brillo-head," a rare time when she's bitchier in the final version.  Then they left out this stage direction:

SHE DOES SHIRLEY WALK.  WHEN SHE ARRIVES AT CARMINE, SHE WALKS HER FINGERS OVER HIS CHEST AND FACE.

Onscreen, she touches him but it's milder.

Judy is described as merely "a cute girl."  Squen's reply to Rhonda and Judy dating the same swami was originally "Must have been crowded," which was improved to "Who slept on the nails?"  Onscreen, after Judy leaves, Squen insecurely says, "I could look like that if I had my teeth cleaned professionally," while this is how it went in the script:

SQUENDELYN

Well, honestly, those shoes with that dress -- the girl's a dog.

CARMINE

Maybe I should take her for a walk.

SQUENDELYN

Oh, Carmine, you're such a clown.  That reminds me.  I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Onscreen Squen says she left her retainer at the sink, so she goes to get it.  In the script, "She kisses him on cheek and puts Carmine's finger on his cheek," telling him, "Save my place."  Onscreen she doesn't kiss him but puts her own finger to Carmine's cheek and says "X marks the spot."

Patti is described as "a beautiful girl."

Carmine does not speak to God in the script.  Instead there was this after the waiter goes to meet Tanya and Terri in the kitchen:

CARMINE STANDS, HOLDING THE TRAY OF DRINKS.  AMELIA, A CUTE SOUTHERN BELLE, TAKES ONE OF THE FOUR DRINKS ON THE TRAY.

AMELIA

You're much too cute to be a waiter.

CARMINE

Oh, I'm just holding this for a friend.  I'm really a guest.

AMELIA

What delightful news.  Are you alone?

CARMINE

(MOANS) Yes.  No.  Yes.  No.

AMELIA

I love indecisive men.

CARMINE

Please, I don't have any more cold water.

CARMINE SPOTS SQUIGGY ENTERING WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

Excuse me.  I've got to talk to somebody.

Onscreen Squiggy's lines to the two women he's already onstage with and his greeting to Carmine sound like Landerian adlibs.

Sheila, the final temptress, is not described, even as cute.  Onscreen Squen doing the Shirley Walk ended up in the spot where she's trying to get Carmine's attention while he's dancing with Sheila.  In the script, she says, "Carmine, you rogue.  What are you up to?  Trying to make me jealous?"

They left out this, after Squen says they're crazy in love:

CARMINE

Don't talk, just dance.

SHEILA LEAVES.  WE HEAR THE PIANO START TO PLAY THE THEME TO "ROMEO AND JULIET."  AS CARMINE AND SQUENDELYN DANCE, WE PULL BACK TO SEE THE WAITER DANCING WITH TANYA AND TERRI.

Some thoughts:

• I sort of wish Squiggy's comment on Squen growing up was in there, although it doesn't make any sense, considering he's seen her very recently.  On the other hand, Lander obviously added his own material, so it's fine.
• They definitely toned down Squen touching Carmine.  I wonder if Mekka objected.  (I feel like Lander would've gone for it, because he's submerged into this "sister" character like he's auditioning for Tootsie.)
• Squen comes across as more insecure, especially about her looks, onscreen than in the script.
• I can see why they omitted Amelia, since they didn't need yet another woman throwing herself at Carmine in this scene.  Incidentally, all the parts were cast by the time of this Shooting Script, and the unlucky actress losing her chance to play the Southern belle was Bobbie Eakes, Miss Georgia of 1982.  She'd go on to The Bold and the Beautiful among other shows, but her onscreen acting debut was a Matlock episode in 1986.  I'm sure she has few if any regrets about missing this series' Season Eight.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene C

The first scene of Act Two is set in Laverne's bedroom, "later that night":

THE ROOM IS DARK.  THERE IS A CLOTHESLINE STRUNG ACROSS THE ROOM, HANGING FROM WHICH ARE ARE SEVERAL SLIPS, BRASSIERES, AND PAIRS OF STOCKINGS.  SQUENDELYN IS ASLEEP ON THE BED SNORING, LYING DIAGONALLY ACROSS IT.  SHE WEARS A PINK SLEEPING MASK.  LAVERNE ENTERS, AND NOT SEEING THE CLOTHESLINE IN THE DARK, WALKS INTO IT AND BECOMES ENTANGLED IN IT.  SQUENDELYN WAKES UP.

SQUENDELYN

Help!  I can't see.  Take anything you want in the room, but let my body be.

LAVERNE BEGINS TO UNTANGLE THE CLOTHESLINE.

LAVERNE

It's me, Squen.  You should be careful where you put your stuff.  Those underwire bras can be dangerous weapons.

SHE TURNS ON THE LIGHT.  SQUENDELYN REMOVES HER MASK.

SQUENDELYN

Laverne, oh, I'm so glad it's you.  My, you're looking well these days.  What have you done with your hair?

LAVERNE

I've kept it awake for twenty-four hours.  Now I'm gonna give it a rest.  I wanna get ready for bed.  Why don't you pick your stuff up off the floor?

LAVERNE CROSSES INTO THE BATHROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR. SQUENDELYN STARTS PICKING UP HER UNDERGARMENTS.

SQUENDELYN

Where should I put this?

LAVERNE (O.S.)

Anywhere.  Make yourself comfortable.

SQUENDELYN

You're very considerate.

SQUENDELYN LOOKS AROUND, THEN CROSSES TO LAVERNE'S DRESSER, OPENS A DRAWER, TAKES ALL OF LAVERNE'S THINGS OUT AND DUMPS THEM ON THE FLOOR.  SHE THEN PUTS HER STUFF NEATLY IN THE DRAWER AND CLOSES IT.  LAVERNE REENTERS, DRESSED IN PAJAMAS.

LAVERNE

Did you find a place to...  (NOTICES STUFF ON FLOOR)  You found a place.  We'll clean it up in the morning.  I'm going to bed.

LAVERNE TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS AND GETS INTO BED.  SQUENDELYN GETS INTO BED.  AS LAVERNE TRIES TO GET COMFORTABLE, SQUENDELYN MOVES CLOSER AND CLOSER TO HER, UNTL SHE [Squendelyn] IS BREATHING ON HER [Laverne's] FACE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Squendelyn, you're startin' to fog up my face.

SQUENDELYN

I need to talk.  Woman to woman.

LAVERNE

There' a mirror in the bathroom.  Knock yourself out.

SQUENDELYN

But Laverne, this is just like the pajama parties I was never invited to.  They were always afraid my brother would show up.

All of this got chopped, and when the filmed scene opens, the girls are in Laverne's bed and Laverne is asleep, until Squen nudges her out of bed.

The next few lines made it in, but instead of Squen saying that she thinks Carmine has a crush on her, there was this:

SQUENDELYN

Oh, yes.  I think he's quite smitten with me.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if someday I became Squendelyn Ragusa.  Mrs. Big Squagoo.

LAVERNE WAKES UP AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.

LAVERNE

All of a sudden I'm not so sleepy.  Carmine proposed?

SQUENDELYN

No, but with your help, it won't be long....

After Laverne admits to reading Shirley's diary, Squen originally said, "It would be a tragedy for a beautiful girl like me to get dumped twice in the same month."

In the script, "Squendelyn strikes a repulsive pose," while onscreen this became the kissy-face that she apparently taught her brother.

The stage direction calls what I call the Shirley Shimmy "the 'Shirley Seduction Walk.' "  In the script, Squen says, "Ooooh, this is nice.  Let me try it," and imitates Laverne imitating Shirley, including 
"starting to run her fingers up Laverne," until "Laverne grabs her hand and stops her," while onscreen Squen is more skeptical.

This is what was left out of the last part of the scene, after Squen asks if she can leave the light on and Laverne replies with a snore:

SQUENDELYN REACHES FOR A DIARY AND STARTS TO WRITE.

SQUENDELYN (V.O.)

"Dear Diary.  Today I met the most wonderful man... Please change all previous Arnie's to Carmine's."

My thoughts:

• Squen is again worse in the script than onscreen, here very much inconveniencing Laverne.  Perhaps Lander wanted to tone this down, to make the two siblings more different.  Of course, this has the effect of making Carmine's behavior come across worse, if he's mistreating someone relatively sweeter.
• The "let my body be" line isn't the most tasteless rape joke on the series, or even in Season Eight, but I'm glad it was dropped.  (Well, it could've been worse, if they'd joked that Squen wanted to be raped.)
• Laverne saying her hair has been awake for 24 hours might be an easy!Laverne line, if she weren't so busy at the aerospace company.
• It's implied that Squen just made herself at home while Laverne was at work, and they haven't seen each other since perhaps Laverne moved to California.
• I do like the "pajama parties" line.
• In the script, Squen seems more convinced of the seriousness of her "relationship" with Carmine, which is sadder and more delusional.
• There's more of a lesbian or bi-curious feel to Squen's reaction to and version of Shirley's "seduction technique" in the script than onscreen.
• The closing line is also sad and delusional, while simultaneously funny, although Squen didn't exactly just meet Carmine that day.  And I like the idea that she keeps a diary, just like Shirley did, as if she is some sort of Bizarro World version of Laverne's old roommate.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene B

We now go to Laverne's apartment, the next afternoon.  The first three pages are pretty faithful, but Squiggy in the script calls Carmine "Carm," and Squendelyn was supposed to be wearing "a lovely mint green brocade pantsuit," which now I really want to see.

They omitted Squendelyn telling Carmine, "Ya know, you'd almost be perfect if you got your hair processed. Think about it."  For some reason, they changed Squiggy saying, "Well, you two seem to be hitting it off like two pies in a pan" to him calling them lovebirds and comparing them to two bats in a belfry.

In the script, Squen calls her brother "Andy," while it's "Andrew" onscreen.  His exit line "Two's company, three's a musketeer," became the more suggestive "Two's company, three's a felony."

In the script, Squen only pats Carmine's cheek, while onscreen she backs him up against the stove.  In the filmed episode, after Rhonda remarks that Squen looks like Squiggy, she says, "I'm not surprised.  We had the same father."  Here's how it went in the script:

SQUENDELYN

Lucky for us there was enough good looks in the family to go around.

RHONDA

How many children were there?

SQUENDELYN

Two that Mom brought home.  Four that came with the car.

CARMINE

It's a great story, Rhonda.

After Rhonda says that this isn't acting, this is the real Rhonda, Squendelyn was scripted to say, "You should spend more time in class."  And they left out Squen calling Carmine "Carmy."

All of Carmine's insults of Squendelyn are there in this late version of the script, but I'm glad they toned down some of her bitchiness towards him and Rhonda.  On the other hand, I wish we could've heard Lander deliver the "car" line about the Squiggman family.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene A

This is the Shooting Script from December 13, 1982, so there won't be any major changes, but there are some surprising lines and edits.  We begin at Cowboy Bill's, in the "late afternoon":

THERE IS A CUSTOMER AT A TABLE.  THERE ARE PLACEMATS ON THE TABLE.  FRANK COMES OVER.

FRANK

No really, those aren't gravy stains.  It's a Cowboy Bill's puzzle.  Connect the dots.  Here's a pencil.

FRANK LEAVES THE TABLE AND HEADS TO THE REGISTER AS CARMINE ENTERS.

That was cut out and the scene begins with Frank greeting Carmine as "Ben Casey."  After Carmine's explanation that he's dressed like a doctor to deliver a singing telegram, there was more:

CARMINE

...Only it wasn't a telegram, it's what we call an "Obit-Gram."  Listen:  (SINGS TO THE TUNE OF "ANYTHING GOES")

"I'M SORRY THAT YOUR UNCLE BIT IT,

BUT NOBODY THINKS YOU DID IT.

AND HEAVEN KNOWS -- EVERYONE GOES."

FRANK

Carmine, don't you ever get tired of being a jerk?

CARMINE

Hey, Potsie Webber [sic] was a jerk -- I'm a working man.

FRANK

A working man dressed like a jerk.

Then Carmine starts talking about quitting this job if he could get a couple hundred bucks, and Frank has the line about giving the cook a "second opinion" on going home early.

Squiggy was supposed to be "nattily dressed" when he enters.  He did not, as onscreen Squiggy does, sing a bit of "The World Owes Me a Living," which I feel like came up in another script.  He also didn't comment to "Doris" about her daughter.

We lost Squiggy's line, "What's wrong?  Don't answer -- I see you're wearing green.  Did a close frog die?"  On the other hand, Squiggy doesn't in the script originally offer $2000 rather than $200, as he does onscreen.  And this exchange was dropped:

CARMINE

Where would you get two hundred dollars?

SQUIGGY

Simple.  My moth came in.

CARMINE

What're you -- staging illegal moth fights again?

SQUIGGY

I sold my moth collection.  Seems I've been sitting on a rare Mothra Japithanus all these years.

THE PHONE RINGS AND FRANK ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN TO ANSWER IT.

CARMINE

Alright, alright, I don't care about your bugs....

The next couple pages made it in, but in the script it was Squiggy rather than Squendelyn who once stayed in an animal shelter.  "Mary" is referred to by name in a stage direction by the way.  I wish they'd kept Squiggy saying, "Laverne, let's talk Turkish," although I feel like that might've popped up onscreen in another episode.  And then this part was left out:

LAVERNE

They've [that is, the aerospace plant] been forcing us to work double shifts ever since our first-stage test rocket landed in the cafeteria.

SQUIGGY

What do you think they got busboys for, Laverne....

Squiggy's explanation of the reason for Squen's visit got moved in a modified form to the next scene, but in this version he tells Laverne, "Listen to my tale of woe.  Squen's intended, Arnie, left her for the shortstop on a women's softball team.  He said he liked the way she stayed down on those one hoppers."

Squiggy begs much more onscreen than in the script, where he just tells Laverne, "You owe, you owe, you owe," and she gives in.  His final line was cut:  "And don't you cheapen the memory of Mr. Scrubby.  He was destined for greatness.  Who knew one flush would send his career down the toilet?"

Observations:

• These scripts are really determined to convince us that the food and service at Cowboy Bill's are terrible.  
• Not that the telegram songs Carmine performs on the filmed episodes are anything great, but it's times like this I feel sorry for Eddie Mekka.  (And there are a lot of "poor Eddie" moments ahead of course.)
• But not as sorry as I feel for Anson Williams.  And, yeah, Potsie was a jerk at times, but what would Carmine specifically have against him?
• I feel like the "close frog" line would be hard for even Lander to sell.
• On the other hand, I can picture him ranting at screenwriter Roger Garrett, "Squiggy would never sell his moth collection!"  (Garrett wrote "Life Is the Tar Pits" and "Helmut Weekend" as well, so he usually has a better grasp of Squiggy's character.)
• "Mothra Japithanus" works on the following levels:
• Mothra as Godzilla's opponent
• A possible ethnic slur (as in "Jap")
• A really smutty joke about Squiggy sitting on his Japithanus 
• I like it better that it was Squiggy in the animal shelter, since there are enough jokes about how ugly Squen is already.
• The thing about the rocket landing in the cafeteria, and Squiggy's reply isn't funny, but it's better than some of the lines that were kept in later scenes.
• I like Squiggy explaining Squendelyn's situation to Laverne, although I'd always assumed that Arnie was her husband (he calls Arnie his sister's "old man" when telling Carmine) rather than her intended.
• I had to look up "one hopper" as a baseball term, and I'm still not sure if there's a suggestive meaning that I'm missing.  Something about going down maybe?
• That closing line is not much loss.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene J

The last scene of this script is also set in Edgar's training room, half an hour later:

LAVERNE AND EDGAR ARE SITTING IN THE TRAINING ROOM.

LAVERNE

I'm sorry... I thought... well, know how after all that stuff about Louise, and Arthur gone with the hounds.

EDGAR

He walks them every night, promptly at eight.

LAVERNE

I guess I watch too much T.V.

This was left out, although they kept in Edgar's line, "Don't blame yourself.  I was a fool, a fool," as well as his explanation about Louise.  Then this was omitted:

LAVERNE

I should have known you would never kill anybody... but when Rhonda told me that story.

EDGAR

Well, at the time I was hurt, angry.  I blamed her for my leg.  I hope I haven't hurt you, Laverne.

The next half page was mostly kept, through Laverne's line about being tired of shaving the back of her neck.  But the last page was mostly left out:

EDGAR

I really like you, Laverne.  I hope I haven't ruined our friendship.  I realize now that I can't live in the past, but I would like you to be a part of my present.

LAVERNE

What are you talking about?  We came here to train for the circus, didn't we?

EDGAR SMILES.  LAVERNE TURNS AND HEADS FOR THE TRAPEZE.  AS SHE CROSSES, SHE HEARS EDGAR.

EDGAR

(CALLING OFF STAGE) Arthur, call Crossleys, I want 15 dozen roses delivered.... make that carnations.  (A BEAT)  They're cheaper you know...

ON LAVERNE'S SMILE, WE 

FADE OUT.

The filmed episode adds an unnecessary tag, where, after the "success" of Rhonda matching Edgar and Laverne, she fixes up Frank with the Bearded Lady.

As for this scene, a few notes:

• The payoff with Arthur and the hounds isn't much, but there it is.
• Laverne brings Rhonda's story back into it.
• Some of Edgar's observations about living in the past were given to Laverne earlier in the filmed version.
• This is very clearly a platonic relationship, despite the dozens of bouquets.

I would say the script is slightly better than what aired, maybe a C+ rather than a C, but it does have that basic problem that so much of Season Eight has: Laverne is now an idiot, especially when it comes to men.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene H

We go to "Edgar's Training Room - Short Time Later":

THE ROOM IS DARK.  WE SEE LAVERNE CARRYING HER SUITCASE, TIPTOEING ACROSS THE ROOM, TRYING TO ESCAPE.  SHE IS HALFWAY ACROSS WHEN THE ROOM IS FLOODED WITH LIGHT.  EDGAR, WEARING HIS CIRCUS OUTFIT (THE ONE FROM THE POSTER, AND HOLDING A GIRL'S COSTUME, THE ONE LOUISE WORE IN THE POSTER), IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY.  THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH GYM EQUIPMENT: BARBELLS, MEDICINE BALLS, RINGS, AND A TRAPEZE.  LAVERNE SEES HIM AND FREEZES.

EDGAR

I knew you wouldn't be able to wait till tomorrow.  (HE TOSSS THE "LOUISE" COSTUME TO LAVERNE) I want you to wear this...

LAVERNE

(RECOGNIZING COSTUME) Wear it yourself.  I know what you're up to.

SHE SEES HIM MOVE TOWARDS HER AND SHE DROPS HER STUFF AND PICKS UP A MEDICINE BALL.

EDGAR

You don't understand...

LAVERNE

I understand plenty.

LAVERNE FIRES THE MEDICINE BALL AT EDGAR.  HE CATCHES IT AS LAVERNE RUNS AWAY.  HE CHASES HER.  LAVERNE NEARS THE RINGS.  EDGAR IS ON HER TAIL.

EDGAR

Please, I don't want to run.

LAVERNE GRABS HOLD OF THE RINGS.

LAVERNE

Okay then, sit.

LAVERNE SWINGS FORWARD ON THE RINGS AND KNOCKS EDGAR TO THE FLOOR.  SHE RUNS FROM THE RINGS AS EDGAR RISES AND CHASES HER.  LAVERNE NEARS A SET OF DUMBBELLS.

EDGAR

Please.  I can explain.

LAVERNE

Sure, I bet that's what you'll tell the cops when they fish me out of the river.

LAVERNE STARTS TO ROLL THE DUMBBELLS AT EDGAR.

EDGAR

I would never do such a thing.

LAVERNE

You're right.  You'd probably make it so they'd never find my body.

LAVERNE DASHES FOR A LOWERED TRAPEZE BAR AND GRABS HOLD.

EDGAR

I thought we were friends.

LAVERNE

Is that what you said to Arthur before you buried him with the hounds?

LAVERNE SWINGS ON THE TRAPEZE ACROSS THE ROOM AND HITS EDGAR, KNOCKING HIM INTO A WALL WHICH KNOCKS HIM OUT.  SHE GOES TO EXIT, BUT BEFORE SHE GETS TO THE DOOR, ARTHUR ENTERS.  LAVERNE REACTS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Arthur?!

This scene changed a lot by the time of filming, although the general thing of Laverne doing stunts to avoid Edgar and him protesting he won't harm her was kept, as was Arthur's surprise entrance.  Interestingly, Laverne brings up looking like Louise in the episode, but it's not in this version of the script.  She is fleeing with her luggage (including the checked suitcase she'll soon take to a convent), and I can only assume they wanted to get Penny into a circus costume and show off her legs.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene E

This scene has the same setting, a "short time later."  Laverne discovering the book about poisonous mushrooms was added.

Her reply to Edgar's remark that he hopes he's not disturbing her was originally, "Nah.  I was just practicing sleeping in doorways in case of earthquakes," rather than the one about her fondness for insulation.

Edgar calling Laverne "darling" was added, as was him serving her chicken with mushrooms, while in the script it's a steak.  Laverne onscreen claims to be a vegetarian.  In the script, she puts not just the salad but the steak down her blouse.  The line about being scared of bugs, and "this was a big hairy sucker," which made it into the episode, seems like a malformed Hello Moment.

They left out Edgar saying of the drink he's prepared that "Your body will never ache again," as well as Laverne, after pretending to drink it, saying not just that it's a little flat, "but nothing that a shot of Pepsi can't fix."

They omitted this after Laverne catches Edgar saying he found her again:

EDGAR

Did I?  What I mean is I've dreamed of this moment.  Do you know what I want to do with you?

LAVERNE

I hope not.

EDGAR

I want to make you fly.  Fly like an angel.

LAVERNE

(FAKING YAWN) Angel, huh?  Well, if I'm gonna fly, I better get a good night's sleep.  Think I'll turn in.

The thing with Laverne wanting to change her clothes "after eating," and Edgar bringing her a circus costume, replaced this:

EDGAR KISSES LAVERNE ON THE FOREHEAD AND STARTS TO EXIT.

EDGAR

Sleep, my Louise.  Till tomorrow.

HE EXITS.  LAVERNE PULLS THE FOOD FROM HER BLOUSE AND STUFFS IT UNDER THE BED.  SHE PULLS HER THINGS TOGETHER AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.  IT IS LOCKED.  SHE LISTENS FOR A BEAT AND THEN TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER AND SLIPS IT UNDER THE DOOR.  SHE TAKES A PIN FROM HER HAIR AND STICKS IT THROUGH THE KEYHOLE, KNOCKS THE KEY ON THE PAPER AND PULLS THE PAPER BACK UNDER THE DOOR.  SHE TAKES THE KEY, OPENS THE DOOR, AND TIPTOES OUT.

A few thoughts:

• Laverne's love of Pepsi, with or without milk, at least makes it into the final season.
• Despite the late hour, onscreen Edgar is apparently going to teach Laverne the Triple, while in the script it will be delayed until tomorrow.
• Edgar is sort of paternal, with all that forehead-kissing.  This is definitely not a Jeff-Goldblum situation.
• Laverne is actually more resourceful, albeit in a not very original way, in the script that onscreen.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene D

Act Two opens in "a bedroom in Edgar's Chalet - late that night."  The first page of Scene D got in, but this part was left out after Laverne hears "the slow shuffling feet" of Arthur the houseman:

LAVERNE

I hope you don't pay Arthur by the hour.

EDGAR

He's been with me for years.  He's like a faithful old hound.

LAVERNE

Sounds like you're getting ready to put him to sleep.

EDGAR LAUGHS.

After Edgar asks what Laverne thinks of what the script describes as "a beautiful frilly Gothic room" that's "filled with roses," and she calls it beautiful, this came next:

LAVERNE

Whose was it?

EDGAR

That doesn't matter.  Now it is yours.  This room has been empty for a long time.

LAVERNE

Would you look at all the flowers.

EDGAR

Roses, my sweet.  Your favorite.

LAVERNE

Thanks.  But remember I said I liked carnations way more than roses.  And they're cheaper, too.  The way you like to send flowers, you should think about it.

EDGAR

So thoughtful.  Now I want you to rest.  Tomorrow will be a big day.  Make yourself at home and if you need anything, just ask Arthur.

HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD.

EDGAR (CONT'D)

Good night, sweet Louise.

LAVERNE

Laverne.  Look, I don't mind wearing my hair the way you like.  I'll even go along with the roses.  But my name, I'm kind of attached to it.

EDGAR

Forgive me?

LAVERNE

Sure.  Maybe we could compromise.  You like Louise.  I like Laverne.  Let's just call me "Lola".

HE CHUCKLES, SMILES AND TOUCHES HER CHEEK.

EDGAR

Good night, my sweet, beautiful Lola.

EDGAR EXITS.

Onscreen, there are some music boxes that play "Louise."  He does call her by that name but she says she only answers to Laverne or "beautiful."

The first part after Arthur's entrance with the towels was kept, but they changed the part between that and Laverne discovering the circus poster.  Here's the version in the script, after Laverne says at least Arthur remembers her name:

ARTHUR

But you must excuse Mr. Van Dyke.  He is very attached to his past.

LAVERNE

Yeah, well, I'm not really like that cause my past mostly stinks.

LAVERNE BEGINS GOING THROUGH A CABINET.

Onscreen, Laverne gently teases Arthur, who admires her underwear (!), which she puts in a dresser.  She finds the poster there, rather than in a cabinet, which makes a little more sense.  The dialogue is close in both versions, except Laverne says in the script, in reference to the girl's face being covered in the poster, "Not a good picture, huh?  I did the same thing to my year book picture."  Also, the girl would not only have Laverne's face and new hairstyle, but she'd be wearing a scarf.

This part was omitted after Edgar's sudden return:

LAVERNE HURRIEDLY TRIES TO PUT THE TAPE BACK ON THE PICTURE.

LAVERNE

Uhhh...  this fell off...

EDGAR SILENTLY CROSSES AND TAKES THE POSTER FROM LAVERNE.

ARTHUR

Excuse me, sir.  I should have locked the cabinet.

They left out Laverne saying to herself as she dials the phone, "When he saw me his mind musta snapped...  I gotta get out of here...  (LAVERNE DIALS PHONE)  C'mon, Rhonda...  Be home...  Hello, Rhonda..."  And then the line goes dead.  A bit later she tells Edgar, "Aw, shucks, I was gonna try Pizza Man."  She asks where Arthur is, and Edgar tells her, "Gone, with the hounds.  I've got big plans for you, Louise.  Now, why don't you get some rest."

Some thoughts:

• The thing about Arthur being associated with "the hounds" will sort of pay off later.
• Also, the thing about the roses is a bigger deal in the script and the poster even has roses on it.
• While every relationship requires compromise, I don't think being called "Lola" qualifies.  Laverne has relatively more self-respect in the filmed version.
• I can't decide if the line about Laverne's past stinking is an "easy!Laverne" line or more to do with the disappointments and even tragedies she's had to deal with.  (That, through one of the quirks of scheduling, this episode would air right before "The Monastery Show" is darkly ironic.)
• Even her yearbook picture stinks.
• Nothing against Rhonda, but why would that be the first person Laverne would try to call?  OK, maybe not her father, considering he disapproves of Edgar and she'd hate to hear an "I told you so" about Edgar apparently turning out to be a murderer.  But what about Carmine or the boys, or I don't know, the police?
• The "Pizza Man" line is both pathetic and ironic, since her father was once a pizza man.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene C

We finally leave Cowboy Bill's for Laverne's apartment, in the evening:

LAVERNE IS PACKING HER SUITCASE WHICH IS ON THE COUCH.  HER HAIR IS STILL IN THE STYLE EDGAR LIKES.  SHE IS ALSO WEARING A FLOWING SCARF.

The filmed version has Laverne bring down a suitcase and some kind of overnight bag and have an argument on the phone with Frank where we can't hear his side.

LAVERNE

What do you wear on a trapeze?  (HOLDS UP SEXY NEGLIGEE)  Well, this looks good anywhere.  (PUTS IT IN SUITCASE)

RHONDA ENTERS FROM THE BACK.  [I assume they mean the kitchen.]  SHE IS CARRYING A SINGLE ROSE THAT IS WRAPPED FROM A FLORIST.  THERE IS A CARD WITH IT.

RHONDA

Hi ho, Little Rosebud.  (SHOWING FLOWER) I guess the delivery boy is so used to bringing Rhonda flowers, he made a mistake.  This is for you.  (SHE HANDS LAVERNE HER FLOWER)  Isn't it darling?

LAVERNE

(TAKES FLOWER AND OPENS CARD AND READS) "For my favorite flower.  Love, Edgar."  He's so sweet, but a little forgetful.  I told him my favorite flowers are carnations.

RHONDA

It is the thought.

LAVERNE

You're right.  (REFERRING TO SCARF) Look at this.  Edgar gave me this, too.  Do you think it's "me"?

RHONDA

I think it's expensive.  You've got quite a catch there.

LAVERNE

I know.  But I wish I knew more about him.  It's strange that he never mentions his past.

RHONDA

Do you blame him?  I'm sure he's trying to forget about his accident and his leg. 

LAVERNE

What accident?

In the filmed version, Rhonda loans Laverne a sexy negligee and she doesn't hand over the flower until after she talks about how this is such a Rhonda-like romance to happen to Laverne.  Laverne packs the flower without taking it out of the box.  And she's not wearing a scarf, so there's no dialogue about it.  Also, they skip from Laverne wishing Edgar had a better memory to Rhonda mentioning her friend Ted, who introduced her to Edgar, which doesn't come up quite yet in the script.  Laverne knows that Edgar must've had an accident and hurt his leg, presumably because of his cane.

The story about Edgar's accident is basically the same in the script and on the aired episode, but when Rhonda hesitates to tell Laverne, onscreen Laverne says she's seen Rhonda's driver's license and knows her age, while in the script she says, "If Rhonda doesn't tell, she won't be able to tell anything else for a long time," which is a more violent threat.  The thing about Ted telling lies, including about his marital status, was added.

This scene ends Act One.  Some thoughts:

• I can see that they wanted to keep Frank's disapproval going in the filmed version, but a phone call that's one-sided in more ways than one isn't the best technique.
• The negligee part I guess pulls back a little on the Easy!Laverne trope in the filmed version, since it's not her own negligee, although that doesn't stop her from packing it.
• I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of LAS (yet), but it seems kind of random to suddenly discover in Season Eight that Laverne's favorite flowers are carnations.
• One of the basic problems with this episode is right here in the script: why, after Rhonda tells her that Edgar might be a murderer, does Laverne still go to his isolated home?  The smart cookie of the Milwaukee years wouldn't have.  Wouldn't she at the least try to talk to him about it first?  I don't mean accusing him of being a killer, but maybe asking him about his accident or Louise.  I get that then there would be no conflict, but shouldn't a conflict (even in Season Eight) be somewhat rooted in character and reality?
• For that matter, I get that they think that Rhonda is a shallow airhead, but she genuinely views Laverne as a friend by Season Eight.  How can they make her so blasé about Ted's story?
• And as with other (admittedly worse) Season Eight scripts, it's not as if this is funny in even an absurd way.  You can do dark comedy if you're genuinely funny, which Monica Johnson is not this time, despite having given us the gem "Honeymoon Hotel" six seasons earlier.  I am hoping to get that script in the next month or so, but I'm willing to bet that it shows a far greater understanding of Laverne (and her friends) than we see here.