"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter 12

"When the 'Laverne & Shirley' series ends, which won't happen for many seasons, it will only be the beginning for Penny and Cindy."  Well, yes and no.  The final chapter of the book predicts that Cindy would likely get more dramatic film roles, while Penny might be a Broadway star, or both women might write more.  But they were both just pleased with their unexpected success.

The very last page has both actresses' "vital statistics," with Penny's birth year in 1942.  Penny's hobbies were "needlepoint, jigsaw puzzles, antique shopping," while Cindy (who I think in one chapter said she had no hobbies) listed "Yoga, reading, fencing, card games, collecting and caring for animals, Egyptology, collecting hats (she buys a new one as a memento from every town she visits)."

This book is an interesting if wholesome look at the two actresses at the beginning of their fame.  It is a product of its time but still worth reading once or twice if you come across it.  And it helped to launch me on this strange, apparently never ending journey into a part of the past that still resonates.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express" script, Scene P

And it's back to the girls' apartment at night for the tag.

Once again, a scene of characters with food has been cut down:

EDNA

I bet two chips.  (BETTING TWO POTATO CHIPS)

CARMINE

I'll see your chips and raise you two pretzels (LOOKS AT HIS HAND) ...and a Ritz cracker

CARMINE AND EDNA TURN TO FRANK.  HE'S MUNCHING

CARMINE (CONT'D)

Mr. DeFazio?  You in or out.

FRANK

Out.  I ate all my money.

Frank's story about serving the mayor was different in the script, with Frank recognizing the mayor and offering ten cents off, while in the episode the mayor has to introduce himself, and Frank charges him full price.

We lost this, after the girls in a "blasé" way tell what happened on the train and afterwards:

THE DEFAZIOS [meaning Frank and Edna] AND CARMINE EXCHANGE LOOKS.

FRANK

(BEAT) Can you believe that?  The Mayor liked my pizza.

AS FRANK, EDNA, AND CARMINE DISCUSS THE MAYOR, WE FADE OUT.

It's kind of a shame that in an episode with not much Frank and Edna, and scarcely any Carmine, so much of their material is cut out of the tag.  Still, this is one of the more faithful adaptations of a L & S script.  Well, except for Lenny and Squiggy's underwear.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express" script, Scene M

We go to the baggage car, at night.

Since Shirley is still in her "Grandpa Earl" disguise, I'm not clear why Scene L was shot already and this wasn't, but I'm not complaining.

The first three pages are mostly intact, and then there's this:

They.  Are.  In.  Their.  Underwear!  Also, Squiggy's "last words" was supposed to be "Rosebud."  (Making this at least the second Citizen Kane reference on the series.)

When the girls say goodbye to the boys, Shirley calling them "Leonard" and "Andrew" was added, I'm going to guess by Cindy.  The line about MacGuffin's dress was supposed to be that it cost $100 at Bloomingdale's, not that it came off the rack at Bloomingdale's.  Shirley's line about the dress being a perfect color for MacGuffin's complexion seems to have been another ad-lib.

Lenny and Squiggy were supposed to "roll onto their sides and across the floor" to attack MacGuffin, rather than stand up, but it works either way.  And MacGuffin was supposed to ask "the ladies" to be smart, rather than sweet.

This part was left out, I think for the better, since it takes away from the girls teaming up:

SHIRLEY

Hey, wait, I don't have it.  She does.

LAVERNE

Here, here.  You're not playing by the rules.

Otherwise, the scene is the same in both versions, and it ends "Act Two."  I want to note that this episode has a weird thing about nudity and undress, like Shirley being "naked as a jay bird" inside the garment bag.  Why were the boys in their underwear?  Was MacGuffin trying to render them more helpless without clothes?  Or are we meant to assume he's a pervert because he's a killer and a cross-dresser?

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express" script, Scene L

Scene L must've been the dining car scene where Shirley is in old-man disguise.  There is no canonical explanation for how the girls managed this, but I'm guessing they raided other people's empty compartments.  (Shirley does have a line about Laverne doing all this with just a tweezer and an eyebrow pencil, but this is lampshading.)  Behind the scenes, Cindy probably had to spend a lot of time in make-up and wardrobe, so I can see why they would shoot the scene ahead of time, and then maybe play the scene on the monitors for the studio audience.  (I've been in studio audiences where something like this was done.)

Presumably, Scene L was written out in an earlier version of this script, but unless I get ahold of one, I have no idea how much it changed before shooting.  Based on the evidence so far, that probably wasn't much.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express" script, Scene K

Later in the Girls' Compartment...

Not counting minor differences, the first notable change in the script for Scene K is "They try to hug, but the bag makes it difficult," while on camera the girls hug closely anyway.

We lost this part when Laverne is trying to think like the killer:

LAVERNE

But I miss, pinning her cheap scarf to the wall.

SHIRLEY

You sure borrow that cheap scarf enough.

We also lost the very last line of the scene, Shirley's "You don't want me.  I'm just a stump in a suit bag."

For an eight-page scene, this is remarkably faithful.  Oddly enough, this scene closes out "Act One," even though J opened "Act Two."  Maybe they weren't sure how to number things for a two-parter.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express" script, Scene J

From what I've seen of the lettering on these scripts, the scenes in Part One would've been labelled A, B, C, D, E, and H.  I counted six scenes onscreen after the one in the girls' apartment (A), but these were two back-to-back compartment scenes, two dining car scenes, and then two more compartment scenes, so it's possible that something that was one scene in the script got split up into two for airing.  Part Two goes J, K, L, M, and then P, so only five total.

Scene J opens "Act Two" as well as "Part Two."  McKean narrating the recap Britishly was not scripted, as of the Revised Shooting Script of January 22, 1980 anyway.  We are in the girls' train compartment, with "continuous action."

The first three pages of dialogue mostly made it in just fine, although Squiggy grabbing Laverne by the hair was added.  On the other hand, Squiggy was supposed to "comfort" Lenny after Laverne scares him by screaming.  The guys puckering up when Laverne says she could kiss them was added.  Oh, and it was supposed to be Lenny, not Squiggy, who says he suspects foul play.

The first real difference of note is that Laverne originally said, "Now, if you'll help me find Shirley, I'll buy you what you've always wanted.  A milking machine for your worm farm," rather than saying she'll do anything, causing Lenny to Ronnie.  Her surreal offer was followed by this exchange:

LENNY/SQUIGGY

Oh, boy!

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) Wait, that means we'll have to fire all the help.

As for the last page and a half, with Laverne leaving the boys with the dead man, Squiggy was supposed to say that they would "integrate" the dead man, but Lander makes it at least six syllables.

On the other hand, in the episode he simply calls the dad man a "slum bucket," while in the script it's "Street Scum" and "you stinkin', slimy, scuzzy punk."  And when he tells Lenny not to "molley colley" the witness, he calls the dead man a "sleaze bucket."  We lost Squiggy's line after accidentally slugging Lenny, "Talk or I'll hit him again."

Both versions of the good cop & bad cop sequence are funny, but it's interesting that Squiggy was actually a badder cop in the original.

"Murder on the Moose Jaw Express" script, Scene A

So when I ordered the PDF of "Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," it came with a bonus of Scene A from Part One.  As almost every Laverne & Shirley episode should, it begins in the girls' apartment, this time in the late afternoon.

The first page or so made it in basically as is, but we lost some moments of the girls appreciating each other after Shirley gives her speech welcoming Moose Jaw to the Shotz family:

LAVERNE APPLAUDS.  EDNA TAKES PICTURE.

LAVERNE

We wouldn't be going if it wasn't for Shirl.  She's so smart.

LAVERNE PROUDLY JOSTLES SHIRLEY

SHIRLEY

You helped me.

SHIRLEY MODESTLY JOSTLES HER BACK.

And after Laverne quotes the boys' second-place slogan, there was this:

SHIRLEY

I think they paid a professional to write that.

LAVERNE

Let's face it.  People will do anything for a trip to Moose Jaw.

We also lost this after Frank tells Edna to put her ears on.

EDNA

I'm not putting on these silly ears.

FRANK 

We're drivin' to the girls to the railroad station, right?

EDNA

Right.

FRANK

You know how I drive when I'm mad.

EDNA

I'm putting the ears on, Frank.

FRANK

Only if you want.

The lost lines are cute although admittedly not necessary.  For that matter, the whole scene isn't necessary to the plot, but it, one, gets Frank and Edna in there, and two, does give us a little exposition as well as amusement.  Since most of the rest of the two-parter is set on a train, it also gives us a little taste of "home" before the adventure begins.

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene K

It's back to the girls' apartment, at night, for the tag.

EDNA

Oh did you get the pictures?  Let me see, let me see!

LAVERNE

This was our cottage.

FRANK

(TAKES PICTURE) It's got no wall.

SHIRLEY

Here's Dottie, our roommate.

EDNA

It's a bathroom door.

LAVERNE

That's how we want to remember her.

FRANK

(WITH SAME PICTURE) It's got no wall.

SHIRLEY

You two are so alike.

This cute little sequence with Laverne's folks was cut out, and the scene opens with Edna telling the girls that their luggage arrived.  I don't know how the girls would miss this in either version, unless they were so focused on their vacation photos.  Most of the last page of the scene made it through, the boys' outfits and all.  But in the episode, they ad-lib about the photos they took, and it's notable that McKean added a greeting specifically to Laverne, even though Shirley is standing right next to her.  So I'd say the tags are about equal.

I think for lovers of slapstick, this is probably a great episode, but I would've liked some of the dryer humor of the script to make it in.

"Laverne & Shirley": The Collector's Edition, Volume Six

We've met the girls, the boys, and Carmine, and visited the brewery.  Now it's time to see the "Friends from 'Happy Days' ":   "Laverne and Shirley was actually a spin-off of sorts from 'Happy Days.'  The two girls had appeared on 'Happy Days' as friends of Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli in a 1975 episode called 'Fonzie the Superstar,' and Cindy Williams had co-starred with Ron Howard (Richie Cunningham) in the movie American Graffiti, which had helped inspire 'Happy Days.'  Both 'Happy Days' and 'Laverne and Shirley' were set in Milwaukee, explaining why Richie Cunningham, Potsie Webber, and the Fonz could easily drop in on the girls."

• The way the packaging handles movie and TV titles is eclectic to put it gently.
• I guess "spin-off of sorts" compared to something like Joanie Loves Chachi, featuring regulars from a series getting their own show.
• Um, the girls' famous debut was called "A Date with Fonzie," while "Fonzie the Superstar" is a crossover episode from January 27, 1976, the same night that Laverne & Shirley premiered.  This seems like something that should've been really easy to check.  (And the Internet did exist, admittedly in a slower form, at the time of this collection.)
• And it's Potsie Weber with one B.

Anyway, since we already saw "The Society Party" on the first videocassette, this starts with "The Bachelor Party," in which "When Laverne's father leaves Laverne in charge of his pizzeria, the girls let Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli throw a bachelor party at the Pizza Bowl--where prudish Shirley gets coerced into jumping out of the cake.  Note: Henry Winkler starred as Fonzie on Happy Days.  Timothy Thomerson (Silky Mulcheck) played Jerry Baskin on Down and Out in Beverly Hills."  

• This has to be one of the most redundant blurbs of all, with them again neglecting to set off titles.
• They can call it coercion when Laverne pressures Shirley into being a cake girl, but they can't call it attempted date rape on "The Bully Show"?
• Timothy Thomerson, who is recognizable to me, a '70s sitcom viewer (most notably as a double-gendered character on Quark), apparently was considered for the role of Lenny.  Amusingly, Silky is playing a sailor and does interact a little with sailor-loving Laverne.
• That's DaOiBH the TV series, not the movie.

I checked and Elvis's "Hound Dog" is indeed audible on the DVD version, although not very loud.  There is no Stay Tuned on this or any other of the episode on this tape.

Having already provided the first episode of Season Two on the first videocassette in the collection and "Angels of Mercy" on "Laverne in Love," this tape offers the next two episodes, with "Bachelor Mothers" up first: "When the Fonz visits his friends Laverne and Shirley and drops off an infant for the girls to babysit, Lenny and Squiggy wind up taking over the babysitting job--only to lose the baby.  Note: Be sure to watch for the way the Fonz gets a baby to stop crying."  Well, the boys don't technically lose the baby, but this blurb isn't bad.

Then it's my favorite HD/LAS crossover, "Excuse Me, May I Cut in?": "When Shirley's TV explodes, the girls coax Richie Cunningham and Potsie Webber [sic again] to invite them to a high school dance to win a television set in the dance contest.  Note: Ron Howard (Richie Cunningham from Happy Days) directed Splash, Cocoon, Backdraft, Parenthood, and Apollo 13.  Stephanie Faracy (Debra Lee) starred as Gail Collins on Last Resort and Ellen Freeman on True Colors." 

Finally, a significant music edit!  Carmine sings "Tutti Frutti" as Couple No. 7 dances, badly.  This actually impacts the plot, because it makes more sense for Carmine to say that seven isn't always a good number, and for Richie to say that Potsie and Laverne have no competition.  Carmine does a decent cover (hey, better than Pat Boone), although it is short.

The last episode on the videocassette is "Shotgun Wedding," no Part 2 in the title.  Here's how it's described on the case: "While on a fishing trip, Laverne and Shirley try to help Fonzie and Richie escape from a shotgun wedding to the Boompergaard sisters by pretending to be their fiancees.  Note: F. William Parker (Mr. Boompergaard) starred as Mr. Dodd on Paradise." 

Perhaps because there's no Part 1 on this tape, Al's "previously" is omitted, along with for some reason the last part of the theme song, the clumsiest edit I've seen on these videotapes.  Still, I think Part 2 works as a stand-alone surprisingly well, since we get the gist of the cliffhanger of Part 1 from Richie's explanation to the girls.

Overall, I think this volume in the collection works, as a theme and these specific selections.  (Not that there were a lot of episodes to choose from, compared to "Laverne in Love" for instance.)  I suppose if you want to quibble, Richie isn't really and Potsie definitely isn't the girls' friend in "Excuse Me," while Richie might be by Season Five of LaS.  (I buy that he and Shirley would go along with the wedding, more than if it had happened in Season One anyway.)  The Fonz is at least the girls' friend, even if he is on those three appearances using the girls.  (Still less of an asshole than Carmine on his videocassette.)

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene J

It's back to the lobby, a short time later.

Here's what was left out of the beginning of what became a very short scene:

LAVERNE

Looks like we're not the only ones having a bad night.

SHIRLEY

This really gets my goat.

LAVERNE

Shirl, forget the goat.

SHIRLEY

There comes a time, Laverne, when even a reasonable person like myself gets pushed to the point where she could scream.

SHIRLEY SMILES CALMLY FOR A BEAT AND THEN LETS OUT A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM.  THE CROWD STARTS TO GATHER AROUND.  LAVERNE HITS SHIRLEY IN THE HEAD.

LAVERNE

Well, it's about time.

SHIRLEY

When I think of all the bottles we capped, the corners we cut just so we could save money to come here and be treated like dirt, I'm fed up to my chihuahuas.

LAVERNE

Her chihuahuas are my chihuahuas.  How about your chihuahuas?

THE CROWD MURMURS ANGRILY.

SHIRLEY

My fellow travelers, we paid good money to come here, and what did we get for it?

LAVERNE STARTS TO MOVE AROUND THE ROOM.

LAVERNE

I'll tell ya what we got!  Rooms with no walls, a bird bath for a pool, (SHE POINTS TO VENDING MACHINE) and a supper club that only takes quarters...

SHIRLEY

Not to mention the loss of our luggage.  Which, I might add contained my smart summer ensemble from Meckler's of Milwaukee.

LAVERNE

Shirl, you're losing 'em.

SHIRLEY

The point is, we got a royal gyp.  And this is one sucker who refuses to be licked.

The two pages with Frick made it in, but there was also this in the script, after the crowd takes Frick into his office for their refunds:

SHIRLEY

You know, Laverne, I wish now we had listened to your father.

LAVERNE

Whaddaya mean?

SHIRLEY

We should have gone to Brooklyn to visit your grandmother.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  She's got a fire escape.

SHIRLEY

Not only that.  Brooklyn is near Jersey.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Near Jersey.

THEY EXIT INTO THE OFFICE.

And so ends Act Two.  I can see why this scene was cut for time, but I like some of the lines we lost, both for humor and character contrast between the girls.  I might've bumped the episode up to a C+ for "chihuahuas" alone.

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene H

Still the cottage at night.

We lost this part of Shirley's line, after she says she loves how Carmine runs his fingers through her hair, "...My, what long palms you have."

And now for your out-of-context slash moment:

The scene mostly plays out as written, although the pillows coming apart was added.  Also, Jose was supposed to be "wearing a waiters [sic] outfit and carrying an empty tray."

"Laverne & Shirley": The Collector's Edition, Volume Five

We've met the boys and the girls, and we've gone to the brewery.  We've even had a spotlight on Laverne's "love life."  So, sure, let's learn "All About Carmine."

"Dancing instructor Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa, Shirley's on-again, off-again boyfriend, calls her 'Angel Face.'  For the most part, however, Carmine is trying to live out the Italian stallion macho myth.  'Carmine and I have an understanding,' explained Shirley.  'I'm allowed to date other men and he's allowed to date ugly women.'  Eventually their romantic feelings gel, and when Laverne and Shirley move to Hollywood, Carmine follows after Shirley and gets a job delivering singing telegrams.  Actor Eddie Mekka, a Tony nominee as best actor in the Broadway musical The Lieutenant, also appeared in A League of Their Own and Beaches."

The first episode on this videocassette is "Dating Slump," which Carmine isn't even in that much, but it is in a sense "all about him," since it examines how the loss of her long-term romance with him impacts Shirley, and it's not like any of the Season One episodes are about him, in the way that "Hi Neighbors" is about the boys.  Here's the blurb: "Shirley becomes a recluse after her steady boyfriend, Carmine Ragusa, has another sweetheart.  Laverne, determined to get Shirley out of her doldrums, plans an evening out--and both wind up in a barroom brawl.  Note: In this episode, Laverne exclaims the classic line, 'Touch my "L" sweetie, and your teeth go to Peoria.' "  You'd think they'd mention the cameos by both Mark Harmon and Robert Hays, but oh well.  There is surprisingly no Stay Tuned, and indeed there are none on this tape.

Then, from the end of Season Four, comes "Shirley and the Older Man": "When wealthy, old Monroe Harrison invites Shirley to his house to meet his family, his daughter Adelle gets Shirley drunk to find out if she's a gold digger--Carmine burst in, explodes with jealousy, and accidentally gives Shirley a black eye.  Note: Robert Alda (Monroe Harrison) starred in Rhapsody in Blue and was father of Alan Alda (Hawkeye Pierce on M*A*S*H)."  So apparently finding out "all about Carmine" includes that he can become jealous to the point of violence.

Moving on to Season Six, we have "But Seriously Folks": "When Laverne, Shirley, Lenny, Squiggy, Frank and Edna, and Rhonda attend Carmine's opening night as a comedian at the Comedy Jungle, they discover that they are all the brunt of his jokes.  Note: Discover what the 'L' on Laverne's shirt stands for and why Milwaukee is called Port Laverne.  Penny Marshall, who directed this episode, also directed the motion pictures Awakenings, A League of Their Own, and Big."  Again, not an episode where Carmine comes off well, since he both slut-shames Laverne and calls Shirley frigid. 

Lastly, we have Season Eight's "How's Your Sister?," which gets this description: "When Squiggy's sultry and bizarre sister, Squendelyn, comes for a visit and stays with Laverne, Squiggy pays Carmine $200 to ask her out on a date--causing Squendelyn to fall head over heels in love with him.  Note: David L. Lander doubles as Squiggy and Squendelyn."

Ever since I found out the line-up for this videocassette, my alternative title for it has been "Carmine Is Kind of an Asshole."  I suppose they could've found less flattering episodes for him if they tried, but it wouldn't have been too hard to find more flattering ones.  What about "The Dance Studio," which centers on him and shows his show-biz dreams?  I'd even have taken the series finale, since it's more about Carmine than any of the other regulars, and it gives closure to his show-biz dreams.  Heck, they could've even done "Rocky Ragu" or "Do the Carmine," since those have his name in the title.  This isn't as egregious as "Laverne in Love," but it does again show Columbia House's slapdash attitude.

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene E

So it's back to the girls' cottage, at night.

Shirley saying that it's cooled off was added, as was Laverne agreeing with Shirley that not every woman could carry this ensemble off.  But Shirley saying, "Let's not disturb her [Dottie].  The poor woman's innards are exhausted," and Laverne replying, "I'm exhausted too.  I walked eighty laps in the pool with you today," was omitted, maybe because the "innards" line didn't make it past the censor.  On the other hand, Laverne's line about blowing your nose on your "slippers" was added.  Some dialogue was added or ad-libbed as the girls position themselves on the bed, but the scene is not drastically different.

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene D

As Act Two opens, it's back to the lobby, later that afternoon.

LAVERNE

This is the first and last time I rent a one-size-fits-all bathing suit.

LAVERNE LOOKS AT A PLAQUE ON THE WALL.

SHIRLEY

Come on, I'll race you to the ocean.

SHIRLEY STARTS OFF.  LAVERNE STOPS HER.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, that's cheating.

LAVERNE

Look!

LAVERNE POINTS TO THE PLAQUE ON THE WALL.

SHIRLEY

"In memory of Raoul, who was eaten by sharks."

LAVERNE

Well, I guess if you live by the bay, you die by the bay.  Now where are we gonna swim?

SHIRLEY

Not by the bay.  Laverne, have you forgotten this hotel has an indoor pool?

JOSE, IN A SHIRT THAT SAYS "LIFEGUARD," PULLS THE TARP OFF THE POOL AND BLOWS A WHISTLE.

JOSE

Pool's open.

DOTTIE AND LOU RUSH RIGHT IN AND STAND.  THE GIRLS REACT.

LAVERNE

I'm not getting in there.

SHIRLEY

Why not?  They got a lifeguard.

SHIRLEY STEPS INTO THE POOL, SQUEEZING IN BETWEEN DOTTIE AND LOU.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Gangway!  Surf's up!

LAVERNE

How's the water?

SHIRLEY

Fine.  It's an odd shade... but refreshing.

SHIRLEY WAVES LAVERNE IN.  LAVERNE RELUCTANTLY GETS IN THE POOL.  THEY ARE NOW ALL WEDGED IN TIGHTLY.  JOSE PUTS ZINC OXIDE ON HIS NOSE.

This was all left out, and the filmed scene begins with everyone already in the pool, although the girls are in front, rather than with Shirley between Dottie and Lou.  Also, Lou looks less large than hairy.  The following page made it in, although I would've liked this part after Frick warns against "rough-housing":

FRICK

...Jose, I've warned you before about this.

JOSE

Hey, what do you want from me?  I told them no diving.

FRICK

You weren't paying attention.

JOSE

(NO ACCENT) Okay, I'm sorry, Uncle Fred.

FRICK HITS JOSE OVER THE HEAD WITH A MAGAZINE.

FRICK

I told you never to call me that.  Do you want me to tell the draft board where you are?

JOSE

(WITH ACCENT TO GIRLS) Hey, no rough housing.

The next page and a bit after that are pretty much intact, although the girls' exchange about Laverne being nice was drawn out in the episode.  And Frick was supposed to exit after saying that the incomplete room was the girls' problem, while the way it aired has Frick first telling them that their vacation fits their budget.

The filmed scene ends with Shirley's delight that they get the whole pool to themselves.  Here's what was omitted:

SHIRLEY GOES IN AND SITS DOWN IN THE POOL.  

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Maybe we can shrink these suits.

AFTER A BEAT LAVERNE SITS BESIDE HER.  SHIRLEY SMILES, LAVERNE LOOKS DEJECTED.  JOSE THROWS A TARP OVER THE GIRLS' HEADS.

JOSE

(ACCENT) Pool's closed!

LAVERNE

(BEAT) Having fun?

SHIRLEY

Yes!

I think the parts that were left out are kind of funny, but I think my main issue with this episode is that Joel Zwick's direction feels off.  The show often has a broad sense of humor, but he had everyone, especially Shirley, play so big that it amuses me less than something subtler and drier would've.  Of course, we haven't gotten to the "storm scene" yet, so I'll see what I think of how that reads.  But first, there will be another short transitional scene.

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene C

We go to the girls' cottage, minutes later.

SHIRLEY (O.S.)

I don't want my picture taken til [sic] I freshen up.

LAVERNE TAKES THE PICTURE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D; O.S.)

Now I can't see a thing.

THE GIRLS ENTER AND TURN WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE ROOM.

FRICK

Here are your keys.  For your own safety, we recommend that you keep your door locked at all times.

This dialogue was left out and the scene begins with Laverne saying, "Gracias you, Mr. Frick."  Then just about everything made it in for the remaining five pages of the scene, with the exception of Shirley's reaction to the loss of their luggage, "This is a god-send.  It frees us from the anxiety of what to wear."  The goat trying to eat Laverne's candy bar was added.

There's nothing particularly bad or good about the scene as written or filmed.  This is the end of Act One, and I think it was the second half of the episode that disappointed me, but we'll see as we go along.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Eleven

This chapter mainly focuses on the male co-stars.  (Perhaps the book was mostly written before Betty Garrett joined the cast.)

• Phil Foster
• "The place, which [Frank] DeFazio owns, is frequented by hardhats--real Archie Bunker types--and servicemen, along with its share of bimbos and greasers."
• "I play a typical Italian father of the 1950s.  The Italian fathers were the last to lose the kids in those days.  They had a pretty strong hold on the family."
• Phil helping Garry's career fifteen years earlier is mentioned.
• Phil got into show biz as a kid in Brooklyn, and he was a comic in the 1930s.  He moved on to television in the '40s.
• He didn't even know what his L & S salary was his first three weeks.
• He said of Penny and Cindy, "On this show, I find myself working with two kids who were never exposed to comedy the way I was, but they do things that make great teams.  I watch them with my mouth hanging open."
• Michael McKean
• His basic biography, born in Manhattan but raised in Sea Cliff, account executive father and librarian mother.  
• He was "bitten by the acting bug at fifteen."
• When he "came out to Hollywood in 1970, he immediately got in touch with his close friend David Lander."  He joined the Credibility Gap.
• "Michael is quite a handsome-looking blond and blue-eyed six-footer when he's not in that leather jacket and greased-back hair."
• "He and his wife Susan have a son, Colin Russell, born on February 16, 1976."
• "Besides acting, Michael is an accomplished songwriter and guitarist."
• He had many pets, including turtles and dogs.
• His favorite reading matter was science fiction.
• David L. Lander
• He grew up in Brooklyn and his brother Robert became an opera singer.
• He went to the High School of Performing Arts in Manhattan and met Michael at Carnegie Tech.
• Before finding success as an actor, he was a sportswriter and worked for an answering service, the latter indirectly leading to work on the radio.
• He lived in Hollywood with his wife Thea.
• He was a devoted fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates (as we would see in "Lenny's Crush").
• Michael and David
• They "make a perfect Mutt and Jeff pair..., as Mike's six feet tower considerably over David's five-feet six."  Actually, I think David is 5'3".  Also, who calls Michael McKean "Mike"?
• Lenny and Squiggy were already very popular at this point and there was talk of a spin-off, but with the boys still living in the apartment building.  (Bizarrely described as "actually a run-down house, broken up into flats.")
• Cindy was glad they wouldn't be spun-off any time soon, since she felt it would result in two weak shows, "because we depend upon each other," although she did feel that the guys deserved their own show.
• Eddie Mekka
• Poor Eddie only gets one paragraph, and there's no information about him as a person, just a brief description of Carmine.  "Their romance is a lukewarm one," well, yes, for the first season and a half, I guess that's true.

Also of note in the chapter is the description of how Penny and Cindy redecorated the apartment set to better reflect the girls' financial struggles, rather than, as Penny put it, "the China lamps, wall-to-wall carpeting, beautiful drapes, paper flowers, exquisite little ornaments on the tables, embossed wallpaper, a large, luxurious sofa."

And there are three Season One episodes mentioned: "Dog Day Blind Dates," "A Nun's Story," and whatever episode it is with the "You vo-dee-oh" exchange.

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene B

We are in a hotel lobby, in the daytime.

The two pages of dialogue mostly made it in, but Laverne's line "Say cheeso" was added, as was Laverne saying she could tell that Frick wasn't near-Mexican.  Frick saying, "Carumba!  That's the first bug I've seen in fourteen years" was left out, which is probably just as well, since Frick said he just bought the place after Raoul "checked out for good."

This short scene isn't hilarious in either version, but it gets done the job of setting things up.

"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene A

From the Revised Shooting Script, November 20, 1979.  Note that Squiggy's name is given as "Andrew Squigmann" on the cast list page, the first time I've noticed that misspelling in canon.  Hm, it's that way for "Dance Studio," "We're in the Army Now," and "The Fourth Annual Shotz Talent Show," but not "Debutante Ball," where it is one G and one N.  So is it something that started in late Season Three?  Yes, we will definitely revisit this for "The Duke of Squigman," but no wonder I can never remember how to spell it.  (Lenny would also have last-name spelling issues, later on, but so far it seems to be consistently "Kosnowski" in Seasons Three and Five.)

Anyway, Scene A starts, as almost every L & S script must, in the girls' apartment, this time at night.  In the script, Frank has his arm around Edna as they sit on the couch, but in the episode they aren't touching, and she's flipping through a magazine.  The dialogue is the same though, although we missed out on the stage direction "Frank raises his eyebrows suggestively."

They omitted Edna saying that the girls will be knockouts in the bikinis they just bought.  Also, the girls were supposed to "tackle" the boys for going through the luggage, rather than Shirley sort of wrestling Squiggy and Laverne sort of giving Lenny what looks like (sorry for the politically incorrect term) Indian burns.  Squiggy's line (my favorite line in the script) "Unhand me, woman.  There are countries where such behavior would require you to bear my child" became "Unhand me, woman.  There are countries in this universe where you could be forced to bear my child for such behavior."  Shirley's "You make me sick" was added. 

In the episode, Laverne has the boys carry the suitcases out to the car.  We lost all this after Squiggy tells Lenny that women use garter belts to hold up their shoes:

LENNY RONNIES.  LAVERNE CROSSES TO HIM AND GRABS THE GARTER BELT, THEN PUSHES THE BOYS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

LAVERNE

Out.  You ain't coming with us.

SQUIGGY

Dear God please don't let me cry. 

LENNY

We'll just hide in our own suitcases.  You can unpack us when you get home.

SQUIGGY

If we're still talking to you.

THE BOYS ARE GONE.  A CAR HORN HONKS O.S.

LAVERNE

That's my pop.  We've gotta get packed.

THE GIRLS BEGIN PACKING.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, have you seen my near Mexican serape?

LAVERNE

(GUILTY) I, uh... it's sorta... uh...

SHIRLEY

Okay, fess up.

LAVERNE

I left it in the clothes dryer a little too long.

SHIRLEY

How little?

LAVERNE TAKES IT OUT OF HER SUITCASE.  IT IS THE SIZE OF A NAPKIN.  SHIRLEY IS APPALLED.

LAVERNE

This little.  (THEY ARGUE)  It'll make a good napkin.  Except for the holde.  [I assume that's a typo for "hole."]

The scene ends with them arguing and packing.

Both versions of the scene work, and the writing by Deborah Leschin and Susan Seeger seems to be off to a good start.  So how did this turn into an episode that I'd give a C to?  Perhaps later scenes will provide clues....

"Baby Show" script, Scene G

I don't know if it's because this is a "pink-page script," but it's worth pointing out that all the other L & S scripts I've looked at (except for the "Shotz Talent Show" one that had only five scenes) skip over the letters F and G, just going from E to H.  Anyway, here's the tag.

We're still at the funeral home, "some time later."

WE HEAR A BABY CRY.

LAVERNE

At-a-girl, Shirl.  You did it.  You did it!

DOCTOR

Congratulations, Mrs. Meaney [sic].  It's a boy/girl!

SHIRLEY

A boy/girl!  Laverne, it's a boy/girl!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

The ambulance is here.

THE DOCTOR TAKES THE BABY FROM SHIRLEY.  LAVERNE AND THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR FOLLOW HIM OUT.  THEY ARE ALL TOO EXCITED AND EXIT LEAVING SHIRLEY ALONE AND STILL IN THE CASKET.

SHIRLEY

(NOT MOVING) Yoo-whoo.  Hello.

A WOMAN ENTERS QUIETLY.  SHIRLEY DOESN'T SEE HER.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Yoo-whoo!  Someone.  Anyone.

THE WOMAN THINKS SHE'S SEEING THE LIVING DEAD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Oh, hello.  I just had a baby!

THE WOMAN SCREAMS AND RUNS OUT.  AS SHIRLEY CONTINUES TO CALL FOR SOMEONE, ANYONE, WE,

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

So Shirley doesn't give birth on a casket, she gives birth in a casket, although at least not Gruber's casket.  Then she is abandoned by her best friend in the casket, and mistaken for the living dead.  And not only don't we know exactly what kind of workplace she and Laverne were supposed to have, we don't even know whether she had a boy or a girl.  (Plout would have a boy.)  It is an odd scene to end an odd script, but I still wish we'd gotten to see it onscreen.

"Baby Show" script, Scene F

Although this set isn't listed among the interiors, we now go to a "funeral home" in the evening:

THIS IS A TYPICAL FUNERAL HOME.  THERE ARE FOLDING CHAIRS SET UP FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE DEPARTED.  A MOURNER GOES PAST THE CASKET TO PAY THEIR RESPECTS.  THE CASKET IS UPSTAGE, AND IT IS OPEN FROM THE UPSTAGE SIDE SO THAT OUR VIEW OF THE DECEASED IS BLOCKED BY THE LID OF THE CASKET.

LAVERNE

I hate these places.  They give me the creeps.  Everything is so... dead.

SHIRLEY

I always felt terrible at funerals.  Until Pop-pop died, and Nana Feeney told me it's as natural to die as it is to be born.  It's the grand cycle of life.

LAVERNE

Well, let's just say a prayer, split, and start a new cycle.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, show some respect.  The man is dead.

LAVERNE

Fine with me.  The Mother-To-Be Contest starts in thirty-five minutes.

SHIRLEY

(LOOKING UP) May he rest in peace, Amen.  (TO LAVERNE) Come on, we're getting outta here.

THEY START TO LEAVE.  AN USHER CLOSES THE CURTAIN AS "BULLETS" KLEIN STARTLES THEM WITH THE OPENING OF HIS SPEECH.

KLEIN

Death!  Yes, death has brought us here today.  It doesn't come easy, it doesn't come invited, and yet each of us must face it in our own way.

LAVERNE

Not me.  I ain't facing nothin', especially with the box open.  I wanna go the old fruit fly way.  (CLAPS HER HANDS TOGETHER)  Never know what hit me.

SHIRLEY

Come on, let's say good riddance to bad rubbish.

LAVERNE

I'll wait here.  You can say it for both of us.

SHIRLEY

I didn't like him any better than anyone else.  But to keep our jobs, go up there with me.  You can keep your eyes closed.

SHIRLEY STARTS TO LEAD LAVERNE BY THE HAND.  LAVERNE HAS HER EYES CLOSED.  SHE STOPS AND OPENS THEM.

LAVERNE

Shirl, wait.  Promise me, when I go, you won't open the box.

SHIRLEY

Okay.  But then what do you want, a closed casket?

LAVERNE

No!  Too stuffy!

SHIRLEY

Well, what then, cremation?

LAVERNE

No!  That's when they burn you to a crisp, put your ashes in a jar, or worse, blow 'em in the air.  I could get caught in someone's eye.

SHIRLEY

Well, what am I supposed to do with you?  Stuff you like Trigger and keep you in the living room?

LAVERNE

I don't know yet.  I'll tell you when I die.

SHIRLEY

(MAKING A FIST) Sometimes I'd like to beep you right in the horn.  (COMPOSES HERSELF)  Here we go.

LAVERNE CLOSES HER EYES AND STICKS OUT HER HAND AND SHIRLEY LEADS LAVERNE OVER TO THE CASKET.  AS THEY APPROACH THE CASKET:

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Relax.  Just do what I do.

LAVERNE

Bullets is watching.  Make it good.

On the episode, Laverne shows no fear of the corpse (which is downstage rather than upstage) and she and Plout just want to make their appearance and leave, although Frank insists they stay to hear his speech and then pay their respects.  After Laverne tells Plout to make it good, not to impress their boss but to just be convincing as a mourner, Plout goes into labor.  The stuff with Laverne thinking her friend is overdoing faking the grief was in the original script, but in the episode, Laverne points out, "You didn't even know the guy," while in the script she says, "Would you quit kissing up.  Nobody liked him that much."

The exchange about the baby not being due for another month, and the pregnant woman swearing to God, is in the script as well as the episode.  Also, the bit with the Funeral Director is virtually the same.  The plea for help from the crowd was originally the Funeral Director's line, rather than Frank's, but everyone exiting quickly after that was almost the same.  The Funeral Director's suggestion of "Morry in the back" for the doctor is in both.  And in the script the doctor who re-enters the room attended Leopold Gruber rather than the Grand Caribou.  The stuff with the folding chairs and "Not Morry!" is in both as well.  However, Morry does not make an appearance in the script.

In the episode, Morry and the Funeral Director wheel in an "empty," which Plout and Laverne are placed on top of, and then they're wheeled out on.  So you're probably thinking Oh God, did Shirley give birth on top of a casket?  My Friends, it was almost worse than that.

SHIRLEY

Okay...  I'll be the one to say it.  Get him [Gruber] outta there [the casket].

LAVERNE

Are you crazy?  I'm not touching him.

DOCTOR

Me, either.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Me, either.  I could call Morry.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY/DOCTOR

Don't call Morry.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Wait.  I've got it.

HE EXITS OFFSTAGE.  [Where else, pray tell, would he exit?]

SHIRLEY

Laverne, get me a pillow.

LAVERNE

From where?  Oh no...  I couldn't.

SHIRLEY

P-L-E-A-S-E, Aunt Laverne.  P-L-E-A-S-E!!!!  [Wow, quadruple!  Even single exclamation points are used sparingly.  Also, I assume Shirley was drawing out the word "please," not actually spelling it.]

Laverne, you'll be relieved to hear, does not take the pillow from under Mr. Gruber but instead from a mourner who has stayed behind and has been kneeling by the casket all this time.  Then the Funeral Director wheels in the "empty."

Both Plout and Shirley get upset about missing the contest, but this bit in the script was not adapted for the filmed episode:

LAVERNE

You big dope.  You're gonna win first prize.  You're gonna have your baby.

LAVERNE TAKES SHIRLEY'S HAND.

SHIRLEY

Thanks, Laverne.

LAVERNE

Hey, Shirl.  Tell me, what does it really feel like?

SHIRLEY OPENS HER MOUTH AND OUT COMES AN ANIMAL-LIKE YELL UNLIKE ANYTHING ANYONE'S HEARD BEFORE.

The scene ends on "Laverne's reaction."  Some thoughts:

1. Who are Gruber's "friends and family"?  What do they think of the chaos the girls bring to the ceremony?
2. Speaking of family, I like the extra glimpses of the Feeney family, this time Shirley's paternal grandparents.
3. Klein's eulogy is incredibly brief and generic.  You'd think he'd at least mention Gruber's bulletins.
4. Despite their bickering, the girls are really sweet together, from Shirley helping Laverne deal with death to Laverne helping Shirley deal with birth.  They hold hands and Laverne even uses a term of endearment we associate with her and Lenny, "you big dope."  This is in a way a follow-up to Laverne as Walter's proxy at the wedding, and indeed at no point in the script is Walter mentioned.  It is as if Laverne is Shirley's real spouse, and Walter was just there for the blammo.
5. It's bittersweet to realize that, one, Laverne and Shirley both assume that Laverne would die first, and two, Cindy would outlive Penny.
6. Apparently Shirley's labor pains, or at least her verbal expression of them, resemble those of an animal and yet are like anything anyone's heard before.

One more scene to go....

"Baby Show" script, Scene E

We return to the girls' poorly defined post-Bardwell's workplace, in the afternoon.

THE USUAL WORKERS ALONG WITH LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE BUSY WORKING.  CHUCK ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THEM.

CHUCK

Look at this.  Another bulletin from Gruber's office.

SHIRLEY TAKES IT FROM HIM AND READS.

SHIRLEY

(READING BULLETIN) "It has come to my attention that certain employees are planting spit wads in the bathroom hand blowers.  This is to stop immediately or all toilet paper will be removed from the bathrooms."

LAVERNE

(TO HERSELF) How did he find out about... (QUICKLY SLAPS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH)

SHIRLEY

(GETTING THE PICTURE) Laverne, I was hit by one of those myself!

KLEIN ENTERS.

KLEIN

Your attention, please.  I have bad news.

EVERYONE

Boo!

KLEIN 

You can all disregard the last bulletin from Gruber.

EVERYONE

Yeah!

KLEIN

Leopold Gruber is dead.

EVERYONE

Yeah.

KLEIN

I could fire all of you.

EVERYONE

Boo!

KLEIN

But instead, I'm giving you tomorrow off.

EVERYONE

Yeah!

KLEIN

So you can go to his funeral.

EVERYONE

Boo!

KLEIN

I'm aware of the fact that he wasn't a popular man.  But you will all attend the funeral or be fired.  Leopold would have wanted it that way.

KLEIN EXITS.

SHIRLEY

We can't go to the funeral.  Tomorrow's the finals of the Mother To Be contest.

LAVERNE

No sweat.  We'll go to the funeral, say "Bon Voyage" to Gruber and his bulletins, and still make it in plenty of time for the contest.

SHIRLEY

Aren't you getting a little old for spit wads?

LAVERNE 

Hey, you're never too old for the classics.

A quick dip back into the episode as shot.  Frank announces that the Grand Caribou of his lodge is dead and Frank has to throw the funeral, so he wants both Laverne and Plout as mourners.  It's a pretty flimsy reason compared to being fired, but Season Eight was never big on logic.

A few thoughts on this scene in the script:

1. Chuck gets another line, go, Chuck!
2. Neither Laverne's childish indulgence in spit wads nor the employees' reaction to Grubers' death are hilarious but I can kind of picture both things happening at the brewery, not that they would've killed off Mr. Shotz, but maybe somebody in upper management.
3. Here Shirley is the one to worry about missing the MTB contest, while Laverne thinks they can just make an appearance and leave, although in the episode it's Laverne who thinks they shouldn't go, while Plout plans their attendance with military efficiency.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Photo Group No. 3

A group of photos of the "girls" with a bit of the "boys":

Berman's caption: "Cindy has always been popular in Hollywood, because of her perky sense of humor.  Here she makes friend and co-star David Lander break up easily with her witty jokes."

My caption:  "David L. Lander puts his arm around Cindy and tries not to think about all the hate mail this'll get him."

Berman's caption: "The actors and actresses who play Lenny and Squiggy and Laverne and Shirley are good friends both on and off the TV screen.  The smiling foursome attended the 1976 Emmy together.  From left are Michael McKean, Penny, David Lander and Cindy."

My caption: "Penny, David, and Cindy share their amusement at Michael McKean's remark that they need to pair off by height."

Berman's caption: "The duo that plays together, stays together.  Penny and Cindy were an enthusiastic part of the show's softball team.  What they lacked in batting expertise, they made up for in loud cheers."

My caption: "Penny and Cindy are accomplished stuntwomen but we're including a picture of them in softball uniforms because that's cuter."

Berman's caption: "Cindy's a pushover for any homeless animal—"

Squiggy: Hello.

"Baby Show" script, Scene D

This scene is set in the same place, "a short time later," still evening.

THE MOTHERS BEGIN TO WASH THEIR BABIES.  MARSHA IS EXTREMELY EFFICIENT.  SHIRLEY IS KEEPING UP WITH HER.  LAVERNE IS RUNNING INTO TROUBLE.

In the episode, Laverne is doing just fine, while Plout is going slowly and makes a "hogwash" pun.  The thing about Marsha having five kids at home and winning last year is the same, but her "buzz off" is less rude in the script, while she calls Plout "Fatso," which makes Alvinia want to fight.  In the script, Shirley tells the "baby," "Don't listen to that mean mother.  We're gonna win.  Besides, we've got Aunt Laverne on our side."

LAVERNE IS STRUGGLING TO HOLD ONTO HER BABY AND IS LOOKING FOR A TOWEL.  SHE IS FORCED TO LET GO OF HER BABY.

In both, Laverne can't find a towel and her friend tells her to improvise, so Laverne "takes her baby out of the tub and dries it by very unconventional means."  But the next two and a half pages were omitted:

MARSHA

Why don't you two just give up.  I've got this contest knocked.

SHIRLEY

Is that so?

SHIRLEY TAKES MARSHA'S BABY, HOLDS IT UP HIGH ABOVE THE BATHTUB, AND DROPS IT HEAD FIRST SIMULATING A HIGH DIVE.

MARSHA

What are you doing?

SHIRLEY

Off hand I'd say a swan dive, but you'd never know it.  Poor form.  Forgot to point her toes.

LAVERNE

At a girl, Shirl.  What's next?

SHIRLEY

Nails.  Trim her nails.

MARSHA

This means war.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE TRIMMING THEIR BABIES NAILS.  ONCE AGAIN, SHIRLEY IS KEEPING UP WITH HER [meaning Marsha], WHILE LAVERNE CAN'T FIND HER SCISSORS.

MARSHA (CONT'D)

What's the matter, can't find your scissors?

LAVERNE

No.  I just like doin' it the old fashioned way.

LAVERNE SIMPLY BITES THE NAILS OFF HER BABY ONE AT A TIME, AND FINISHES BEFORE SHIRLEY OR MARSHA.

LAVERNE(CONT'D)

There.  Beat that, fatty.

SHIRLEY

Forget her, Laverne.  Feed your baby.

SHIRLEY AND MARSHA START FEEDING THEIR BABIES THEIR BOTTLES.  LAVERNE TRIES TO FEED HER BABY THE BOTTLE BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING.

LAVERNE

I think I got a clogged nipple.  Nothin's coming out.

MARSHA

What a pity!

LAVERNE UNSCREWS HER BOTTLE AND STARTS TO POUR THE MILK DOWN HER BABY'S THROAT.  THE MILK IS SPILLING ALL OVER THE BABY.

SHIRLEY

Be careful, Laverne.  You'll lose style points.

LAVERNE GRABS A TOWEL AND TRIES TO WIPE UP THE MILK FROM THE BABY BUT INSTEAD SHE MANAGES TO KNOCK THE BABY'S HEAD CLEAN OFF.  LAVERNE CHASES AFTER THE HEAD, PICKS IT UP AND STARTS BACK TO HER TABLE.  GAIL SEES HER.  LAVERNE CRADLES THE HEAD IN HER ARMS HIDING THE FACT THAT IT DOESN'T HAVE A BODY.

GAIL

Is anything wrong?

LAVERNE

Nope.  Not a thing.  (TO BABY) Right?

LAVERNE HAS HER FINGER IN THE BABY'S HEAD AND MAKES IT NOD IN AGREEMENT.  SHE DASHES BACK TO HER TABLE AND SEES THAT SHIRLEY AND MARSHA ARE FEEDING THEIR BABIES FOOD.  LAVERNE STARTS TO FEED HER BABY THE FOOD BUT WE SHOULD NOTE THAT LAVERNE IS FEEDING THE MERE HEAD OF THE DOLL.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, stop that.  You two look like a picture out of the 'Enquirer.'

MARSHA

Too bad you're losing so much time.  Guess I'll just have to win first place.  Again.

LAVERNE

Don't count on it.

LAVERNE STARTS SHOVELING THE FOOD INTO THE HEADLESS BODY OF THE BABY, MUCH LIKE STUFFING A CHICKEN.

GAIL

(LOOKING AT TIMER) Come on, mothers.  It's almost nap time.

AS SHIRLEY AND MARSHA ARE FINISHING UP WITH THEIR FOOD, LAVERNE TRIES TO GET THE HEAD BACK ON HER BABY.  SHIRLEY AND MARSHA START RUSHING THE BEST THEY CAN TOWARD THE CRIBS.

In the episode, they feed the "babies" tapioca.  Laverne does "slamdunk her baby into the crib," coming in first place.  But in the episode the pillow just drops out from under her shirt, while it's more drawn out in the script.

LAVERNE BY THIS TIME [after the mothers have deposited their "babies"], HAS CRASHES [sic] INTO THE WALL AND FALLS FLAT ON HER STOMACH.  GAIL RUSHES OVER TO HER.

GAIL

Someone call a doctor.  (TO LAVERNE) Are you alright?

LAVERNE

Sure.  Are you kiddin'?  (BANGING ON HER STOMACH) Look.  Strong as a rock, see?

LAVERNE BANGS ON HER STOMACH SOME MORE.  IT IS NOW CLEAR TO EVERYONE THAT LAVERNE IS NOT PREGNANT.

GAIL

I'm afraid I do see.  Mrs. DeFazio, this is a mother to be contest, strictly for mothers to be.

LAVERNE

I know and because I fell and hit... you probably want to know if I'm really a mother.

GAIL

To be, or not to be.  That is the question.

SHIRLEY

Perhaps I can offer an explanation.  You see, Laverne isn't pregnant right now, but she has promised to have a baby in the future, so technically...

GAIL

She's out.

LAVERNE

Yup.  That's the technical term.  Out.

The thing about Laverne "trying all the time" to get pregnant was added, however.  Also, the warning not to jump and down was moved to the end of this scene.  Instead of Laverne hoping to get a seat on the bus, she instead wins a "consolation prize" of "a copy of Dr. Good's best seller, 'It's Your Baby, It'll Cry If It Wants To.' "

Some observations:

1. Marsha is more of a rival in the script than the episode, because things were condensed.
2. In fact, Shirley seems more competitive than Plout, who stops to make corny jokes.
3. Biting a baby's nails off is gross but biting a baby doll's nails off is I think grosser.
4. We never got to hear Penny Marshall say, "I think I got a clogged nipple," and the world is a sadder place.
5. I laughed out loud at the script, something I don't remember doing with the filmed episode.  Pioli refers to "style points," Shakespeare, and Lesley Gore, and the slapstick reads funnier than what was shot.
6. Having Laverne crash into a wall is a bit much but that's OK.  My guess is that they would've done what Penny suggested, have her take on more of the physical comedy during Cindy's pregnancy.
7. It's also interesting that Shirley is so much more competent than Laverne, at all of this, while they were about equal in the Army script I looked at.  Perhaps they wanted to reassure viewers that Shirley would be a good mother, but Laverne still wasn't ready.