"Not Quite South of the Border" script, Scene D

As Act Two opens, it's back to the lobby, later that afternoon.

LAVERNE

This is the first and last time I rent a one-size-fits-all bathing suit.

LAVERNE LOOKS AT A PLAQUE ON THE WALL.

SHIRLEY

Come on, I'll race you to the ocean.

SHIRLEY STARTS OFF.  LAVERNE STOPS HER.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, that's cheating.

LAVERNE

Look!

LAVERNE POINTS TO THE PLAQUE ON THE WALL.

SHIRLEY

"In memory of Raoul, who was eaten by sharks."

LAVERNE

Well, I guess if you live by the bay, you die by the bay.  Now where are we gonna swim?

SHIRLEY

Not by the bay.  Laverne, have you forgotten this hotel has an indoor pool?

JOSE, IN A SHIRT THAT SAYS "LIFEGUARD," PULLS THE TARP OFF THE POOL AND BLOWS A WHISTLE.

JOSE

Pool's open.

DOTTIE AND LOU RUSH RIGHT IN AND STAND.  THE GIRLS REACT.

LAVERNE

I'm not getting in there.

SHIRLEY

Why not?  They got a lifeguard.

SHIRLEY STEPS INTO THE POOL, SQUEEZING IN BETWEEN DOTTIE AND LOU.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Gangway!  Surf's up!

LAVERNE

How's the water?

SHIRLEY

Fine.  It's an odd shade... but refreshing.

SHIRLEY WAVES LAVERNE IN.  LAVERNE RELUCTANTLY GETS IN THE POOL.  THEY ARE NOW ALL WEDGED IN TIGHTLY.  JOSE PUTS ZINC OXIDE ON HIS NOSE.

This was all left out, and the filmed scene begins with everyone already in the pool, although the girls are in front, rather than with Shirley between Dottie and Lou.  Also, Lou looks less large than hairy.  The following page made it in, although I would've liked this part after Frick warns against "rough-housing":

FRICK

...Jose, I've warned you before about this.

JOSE

Hey, what do you want from me?  I told them no diving.

FRICK

You weren't paying attention.

JOSE

(NO ACCENT) Okay, I'm sorry, Uncle Fred.

FRICK HITS JOSE OVER THE HEAD WITH A MAGAZINE.

FRICK

I told you never to call me that.  Do you want me to tell the draft board where you are?

JOSE

(WITH ACCENT TO GIRLS) Hey, no rough housing.

The next page and a bit after that are pretty much intact, although the girls' exchange about Laverne being nice was drawn out in the episode.  And Frick was supposed to exit after saying that the incomplete room was the girls' problem, while the way it aired has Frick first telling them that their vacation fits their budget.

The filmed scene ends with Shirley's delight that they get the whole pool to themselves.  Here's what was omitted:

SHIRLEY GOES IN AND SITS DOWN IN THE POOL.  

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Maybe we can shrink these suits.

AFTER A BEAT LAVERNE SITS BESIDE HER.  SHIRLEY SMILES, LAVERNE LOOKS DEJECTED.  JOSE THROWS A TARP OVER THE GIRLS' HEADS.

JOSE

(ACCENT) Pool's closed!

LAVERNE

(BEAT) Having fun?

SHIRLEY

Yes!

I think the parts that were left out are kind of funny, but I think my main issue with this episode is that Joel Zwick's direction feels off.  The show often has a broad sense of humor, but he had everyone, especially Shirley, play so big that it amuses me less than something subtler and drier would've.  Of course, we haven't gotten to the "storm scene" yet, so I'll see what I think of how that reads.  But first, there will be another short transitional scene.