"Baby Show" script, Scene D

This scene is set in the same place, "a short time later," still evening.

THE MOTHERS BEGIN TO WASH THEIR BABIES.  MARSHA IS EXTREMELY EFFICIENT.  SHIRLEY IS KEEPING UP WITH HER.  LAVERNE IS RUNNING INTO TROUBLE.

In the episode, Laverne is doing just fine, while Plout is going slowly and makes a "hogwash" pun.  The thing about Marsha having five kids at home and winning last year is the same, but her "buzz off" is less rude in the script, while she calls Plout "Fatso," which makes Alvinia want to fight.  In the script, Shirley tells the "baby," "Don't listen to that mean mother.  We're gonna win.  Besides, we've got Aunt Laverne on our side."

LAVERNE IS STRUGGLING TO HOLD ONTO HER BABY AND IS LOOKING FOR A TOWEL.  SHE IS FORCED TO LET GO OF HER BABY.

In both, Laverne can't find a towel and her friend tells her to improvise, so Laverne "takes her baby out of the tub and dries it by very unconventional means."  But the next two and a half pages were omitted:

MARSHA

Why don't you two just give up.  I've got this contest knocked.

SHIRLEY

Is that so?

SHIRLEY TAKES MARSHA'S BABY, HOLDS IT UP HIGH ABOVE THE BATHTUB, AND DROPS IT HEAD FIRST SIMULATING A HIGH DIVE.

MARSHA

What are you doing?

SHIRLEY

Off hand I'd say a swan dive, but you'd never know it.  Poor form.  Forgot to point her toes.

LAVERNE

At a girl, Shirl.  What's next?

SHIRLEY

Nails.  Trim her nails.

MARSHA

This means war.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE TRIMMING THEIR BABIES NAILS.  ONCE AGAIN, SHIRLEY IS KEEPING UP WITH HER [meaning Marsha], WHILE LAVERNE CAN'T FIND HER SCISSORS.

MARSHA (CONT'D)

What's the matter, can't find your scissors?

LAVERNE

No.  I just like doin' it the old fashioned way.

LAVERNE SIMPLY BITES THE NAILS OFF HER BABY ONE AT A TIME, AND FINISHES BEFORE SHIRLEY OR MARSHA.

LAVERNE(CONT'D)

There.  Beat that, fatty.

SHIRLEY

Forget her, Laverne.  Feed your baby.

SHIRLEY AND MARSHA START FEEDING THEIR BABIES THEIR BOTTLES.  LAVERNE TRIES TO FEED HER BABY THE BOTTLE BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING.

LAVERNE

I think I got a clogged nipple.  Nothin's coming out.

MARSHA

What a pity!

LAVERNE UNSCREWS HER BOTTLE AND STARTS TO POUR THE MILK DOWN HER BABY'S THROAT.  THE MILK IS SPILLING ALL OVER THE BABY.

SHIRLEY

Be careful, Laverne.  You'll lose style points.

LAVERNE GRABS A TOWEL AND TRIES TO WIPE UP THE MILK FROM THE BABY BUT INSTEAD SHE MANAGES TO KNOCK THE BABY'S HEAD CLEAN OFF.  LAVERNE CHASES AFTER THE HEAD, PICKS IT UP AND STARTS BACK TO HER TABLE.  GAIL SEES HER.  LAVERNE CRADLES THE HEAD IN HER ARMS HIDING THE FACT THAT IT DOESN'T HAVE A BODY.

GAIL

Is anything wrong?

LAVERNE

Nope.  Not a thing.  (TO BABY) Right?

LAVERNE HAS HER FINGER IN THE BABY'S HEAD AND MAKES IT NOD IN AGREEMENT.  SHE DASHES BACK TO HER TABLE AND SEES THAT SHIRLEY AND MARSHA ARE FEEDING THEIR BABIES FOOD.  LAVERNE STARTS TO FEED HER BABY THE FOOD BUT WE SHOULD NOTE THAT LAVERNE IS FEEDING THE MERE HEAD OF THE DOLL.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, stop that.  You two look like a picture out of the 'Enquirer.'

MARSHA

Too bad you're losing so much time.  Guess I'll just have to win first place.  Again.

LAVERNE

Don't count on it.

LAVERNE STARTS SHOVELING THE FOOD INTO THE HEADLESS BODY OF THE BABY, MUCH LIKE STUFFING A CHICKEN.

GAIL

(LOOKING AT TIMER) Come on, mothers.  It's almost nap time.

AS SHIRLEY AND MARSHA ARE FINISHING UP WITH THEIR FOOD, LAVERNE TRIES TO GET THE HEAD BACK ON HER BABY.  SHIRLEY AND MARSHA START RUSHING THE BEST THEY CAN TOWARD THE CRIBS.

In the episode, they feed the "babies" tapioca.  Laverne does "slamdunk her baby into the crib," coming in first place.  But in the episode the pillow just drops out from under her shirt, while it's more drawn out in the script.

LAVERNE BY THIS TIME [after the mothers have deposited their "babies"], HAS CRASHES [sic] INTO THE WALL AND FALLS FLAT ON HER STOMACH.  GAIL RUSHES OVER TO HER.

GAIL

Someone call a doctor.  (TO LAVERNE) Are you alright?

LAVERNE

Sure.  Are you kiddin'?  (BANGING ON HER STOMACH) Look.  Strong as a rock, see?

LAVERNE BANGS ON HER STOMACH SOME MORE.  IT IS NOW CLEAR TO EVERYONE THAT LAVERNE IS NOT PREGNANT.

GAIL

I'm afraid I do see.  Mrs. DeFazio, this is a mother to be contest, strictly for mothers to be.

LAVERNE

I know and because I fell and hit... you probably want to know if I'm really a mother.

GAIL

To be, or not to be.  That is the question.

SHIRLEY

Perhaps I can offer an explanation.  You see, Laverne isn't pregnant right now, but she has promised to have a baby in the future, so technically...

GAIL

She's out.

LAVERNE

Yup.  That's the technical term.  Out.

The thing about Laverne "trying all the time" to get pregnant was added, however.  Also, the warning not to jump and down was moved to the end of this scene.  Instead of Laverne hoping to get a seat on the bus, she instead wins a "consolation prize" of "a copy of Dr. Good's best seller, 'It's Your Baby, It'll Cry If It Wants To.' "

Some observations:

1. Marsha is more of a rival in the script than the episode, because things were condensed.
2. In fact, Shirley seems more competitive than Plout, who stops to make corny jokes.
3. Biting a baby's nails off is gross but biting a baby doll's nails off is I think grosser.
4. We never got to hear Penny Marshall say, "I think I got a clogged nipple," and the world is a sadder place.
5. I laughed out loud at the script, something I don't remember doing with the filmed episode.  Pioli refers to "style points," Shakespeare, and Lesley Gore, and the slapstick reads funnier than what was shot.
6. Having Laverne crash into a wall is a bit much but that's OK.  My guess is that they would've done what Penny suggested, have her take on more of the physical comedy during Cindy's pregnancy.
7. It's also interesting that Shirley is so much more competent than Laverne, at all of this, while they were about equal in the Army script I looked at.  Perhaps they wanted to reassure viewers that Shirley would be a good mother, but Laverne still wasn't ready.