"Baby Show" script, Scene F

Although this set isn't listed among the interiors, we now go to a "funeral home" in the evening:

THIS IS A TYPICAL FUNERAL HOME.  THERE ARE FOLDING CHAIRS SET UP FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE DEPARTED.  A MOURNER GOES PAST THE CASKET TO PAY THEIR RESPECTS.  THE CASKET IS UPSTAGE, AND IT IS OPEN FROM THE UPSTAGE SIDE SO THAT OUR VIEW OF THE DECEASED IS BLOCKED BY THE LID OF THE CASKET.

LAVERNE

I hate these places.  They give me the creeps.  Everything is so... dead.

SHIRLEY

I always felt terrible at funerals.  Until Pop-pop died, and Nana Feeney told me it's as natural to die as it is to be born.  It's the grand cycle of life.

LAVERNE

Well, let's just say a prayer, split, and start a new cycle.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, show some respect.  The man is dead.

LAVERNE

Fine with me.  The Mother-To-Be Contest starts in thirty-five minutes.

SHIRLEY

(LOOKING UP) May he rest in peace, Amen.  (TO LAVERNE) Come on, we're getting outta here.

THEY START TO LEAVE.  AN USHER CLOSES THE CURTAIN AS "BULLETS" KLEIN STARTLES THEM WITH THE OPENING OF HIS SPEECH.

KLEIN

Death!  Yes, death has brought us here today.  It doesn't come easy, it doesn't come invited, and yet each of us must face it in our own way.

LAVERNE

Not me.  I ain't facing nothin', especially with the box open.  I wanna go the old fruit fly way.  (CLAPS HER HANDS TOGETHER)  Never know what hit me.

SHIRLEY

Come on, let's say good riddance to bad rubbish.

LAVERNE

I'll wait here.  You can say it for both of us.

SHIRLEY

I didn't like him any better than anyone else.  But to keep our jobs, go up there with me.  You can keep your eyes closed.

SHIRLEY STARTS TO LEAD LAVERNE BY THE HAND.  LAVERNE HAS HER EYES CLOSED.  SHE STOPS AND OPENS THEM.

LAVERNE

Shirl, wait.  Promise me, when I go, you won't open the box.

SHIRLEY

Okay.  But then what do you want, a closed casket?

LAVERNE

No!  Too stuffy!

SHIRLEY

Well, what then, cremation?

LAVERNE

No!  That's when they burn you to a crisp, put your ashes in a jar, or worse, blow 'em in the air.  I could get caught in someone's eye.

SHIRLEY

Well, what am I supposed to do with you?  Stuff you like Trigger and keep you in the living room?

LAVERNE

I don't know yet.  I'll tell you when I die.

SHIRLEY

(MAKING A FIST) Sometimes I'd like to beep you right in the horn.  (COMPOSES HERSELF)  Here we go.

LAVERNE CLOSES HER EYES AND STICKS OUT HER HAND AND SHIRLEY LEADS LAVERNE OVER TO THE CASKET.  AS THEY APPROACH THE CASKET:

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Relax.  Just do what I do.

LAVERNE

Bullets is watching.  Make it good.

On the episode, Laverne shows no fear of the corpse (which is downstage rather than upstage) and she and Plout just want to make their appearance and leave, although Frank insists they stay to hear his speech and then pay their respects.  After Laverne tells Plout to make it good, not to impress their boss but to just be convincing as a mourner, Plout goes into labor.  The stuff with Laverne thinking her friend is overdoing faking the grief was in the original script, but in the episode, Laverne points out, "You didn't even know the guy," while in the script she says, "Would you quit kissing up.  Nobody liked him that much."

The exchange about the baby not being due for another month, and the pregnant woman swearing to God, is in the script as well as the episode.  Also, the bit with the Funeral Director is virtually the same.  The plea for help from the crowd was originally the Funeral Director's line, rather than Frank's, but everyone exiting quickly after that was almost the same.  The Funeral Director's suggestion of "Morry in the back" for the doctor is in both.  And in the script the doctor who re-enters the room attended Leopold Gruber rather than the Grand Caribou.  The stuff with the folding chairs and "Not Morry!" is in both as well.  However, Morry does not make an appearance in the script.

In the episode, Morry and the Funeral Director wheel in an "empty," which Plout and Laverne are placed on top of, and then they're wheeled out on.  So you're probably thinking Oh God, did Shirley give birth on top of a casket?  My Friends, it was almost worse than that.

SHIRLEY

Okay...  I'll be the one to say it.  Get him [Gruber] outta there [the casket].

LAVERNE

Are you crazy?  I'm not touching him.

DOCTOR

Me, either.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Me, either.  I could call Morry.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY/DOCTOR

Don't call Morry.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Wait.  I've got it.

HE EXITS OFFSTAGE.  [Where else, pray tell, would he exit?]

SHIRLEY

Laverne, get me a pillow.

LAVERNE

From where?  Oh no...  I couldn't.

SHIRLEY

P-L-E-A-S-E, Aunt Laverne.  P-L-E-A-S-E!!!!  [Wow, quadruple!  Even single exclamation points are used sparingly.  Also, I assume Shirley was drawing out the word "please," not actually spelling it.]

Laverne, you'll be relieved to hear, does not take the pillow from under Mr. Gruber but instead from a mourner who has stayed behind and has been kneeling by the casket all this time.  Then the Funeral Director wheels in the "empty."

Both Plout and Shirley get upset about missing the contest, but this bit in the script was not adapted for the filmed episode:

LAVERNE

You big dope.  You're gonna win first prize.  You're gonna have your baby.

LAVERNE TAKES SHIRLEY'S HAND.

SHIRLEY

Thanks, Laverne.

LAVERNE

Hey, Shirl.  Tell me, what does it really feel like?

SHIRLEY OPENS HER MOUTH AND OUT COMES AN ANIMAL-LIKE YELL UNLIKE ANYTHING ANYONE'S HEARD BEFORE.

The scene ends on "Laverne's reaction."  Some thoughts:

1. Who are Gruber's "friends and family"?  What do they think of the chaos the girls bring to the ceremony?
2. Speaking of family, I like the extra glimpses of the Feeney family, this time Shirley's paternal grandparents.
3. Klein's eulogy is incredibly brief and generic.  You'd think he'd at least mention Gruber's bulletins.
4. Despite their bickering, the girls are really sweet together, from Shirley helping Laverne deal with death to Laverne helping Shirley deal with birth.  They hold hands and Laverne even uses a term of endearment we associate with her and Lenny, "you big dope."  This is in a way a follow-up to Laverne as Walter's proxy at the wedding, and indeed at no point in the script is Walter mentioned.  It is as if Laverne is Shirley's real spouse, and Walter was just there for the blammo.
5. It's bittersweet to realize that, one, Laverne and Shirley both assume that Laverne would die first, and two, Cindy would outlive Penny.
6. Apparently Shirley's labor pains, or at least her verbal expression of them, resemble those of an animal and yet are like anything anyone's heard before.

One more scene to go....