"The Playboy Show," Scene J

The original tag was set at Cowboy Bill's, "late that night":

THERE IS A SIGN ON THE WALL WHICH READS: "NOW SERVING REAL COWBOY PIZZA WITH REAL ITALIAN TASTE!"  FRANK IS STANDING OVER A CUSTOMER.  THE CUSTOMER IS CHEWING VERY HARD AND FAST.  FRANK HANDS HIM A GLASS OF WATER.  BEFORE THE CUSTOMER CAN FINISH DRINKING, HE TAKES THE GLASS AWAY.

FRANK

There.  How you like it?  Good, right?

THE CUSTOMER NODS HIS HEAD.  FRANK GRABS ANOTHER PIECE OF PIZZA ON THE CUSTOMER'S TRAY, AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Here.  Now taste the pepperoni.

THE CUSTOMER FORCES IT DOWN.

FRANK (CONT'D)

So, what's your order?

CUSTOMER

I'll have the western omelette.

FRANK

Why don't you try the pizza?

CUSTOMER

I don't like pizza for breakfast.

FRANK

How do you know if you've never tried it?

FRANK

(WRITING ON PAD) One omelette pizza. [I don't know why this is a separate line.]

THE PHONE RINGS.  FRANK GET [sic] IT.

FRANK

Hello.  Cowboy Bill's.

LAVERNE ENTERS.

FRANK (CONT'D)

...yeah, that's right, with the real Italian taste... How many?...  (BIG SMILE) Fifty, five-O?...I can handle it...where?  (SMILE DROPS)  Sure.  And I'll send another fifty to the White House.

FRANK HANGS UP PHONE.

LAVERNE

Pop.  What's wrong?

FRANK

Some guy called saying he was Hugh Hefner, and he wanted fifty pizzas delivered to his mansion in Beverly Hills.

LAVERNE

Pop, you didn't get my message?

FRANK

What message?

LAVERNE

I met Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Club.  I didn't get the job, but I did get him to order pizza for everybody.  So I gave him the number here.

FRANK LOOKS AT LAVERNE FOR A BEAT.  THEN RUNS TO THE PHONE.

FRANK

Hello, hello.  (TO LAVERNE) What's the number?  (HANGS UP PHONE)  Never, mind, get dressed, take me to the Club...

HE STARTS PUSHING LAVERNE OUT AS WE:

FADE OUT.

Things wrong with this tag:

1. Frank force-feeds pizza to a customer.
2. Frank force-feeds pizza to a customer so late at night that the guy wants to order breakfast.
3. Frank's restaurant is open so late at night that someone can wander in, want to order an omelet, and be force-fed pizza.
4. Laverne enters and hears Frank's side of the "prank call" and doesn't immediate realize it must be Hef.
5. Frank doesn't think Hey, my daughter is trying out to be a Bunny, maybe she put in a good word for my pizza, because how else did someone already know about my latest addition to the menu?
6. Laverne, since she's heading over to Cowboy Bill's anyway, didn't suggest to Hef that she place the order (and presumably get a staff/family discount).
7. Frank tells Laverne to "get dressed," implying she went over to the restaurant late at night, in her bunny outfit, and got no reaction from the poor force-fed customer.
8. FRANK.  FORCE.  FEEDS.  REAL.  COWBOY.  PIZZA.  TO.  A.  CUSTOMER.

You can see why they just used a bit of Scene E for the aired tag instead.

I would say that this script would get a C, as opposed to the C+ I gave the episode.  There's some stuff with Squiggy and Frank that's nice (not this scene), but we did get to hear Carrie Fisher sing and we got to see some of her friendship with Penny.  So overall, this Playboy show was improved over the next however many drafts it went through.

"The Playboy Show," Scene H

It's back to the Playboy Club, that night:

LAVERNE ENTERS, FULLY DRESSED IN HER BUNNY SUIT, COMPLETE WITH TAIL, EARS, HEELS, AND FISH NET STOCKINGS.  FROM THE WAY SHE HOLDS HERSELF WE CAN TELL THAT SHE IS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE TIGHT COSTUME.  AS SHE WALKS OUT ON THE FLOOR, HER FIRST REACTION IS TO TRY AND COVER HERSELF WHERE THE SUIT IS "SKIMPY."  SHE GOES UP TO CATHY WHO IS STANDING BY THE BAR.

Laverne's line about the tightness of the outfit was kept, as was Cathy saying that it's great that they can't breathe.  But this was omitted:

CATHY

...Aren't these the most wonderful outfits?

LAVERNE

Wonderful.  But if I sneeze I'm gonna need someone to post bail.

And after Hillary leads Hugh Hefner in, this was left out:

CATHY

It's him!  Isn't it?  It is!  (LAVERNE TRIES TO TALK)  Don't tell me!  I know it!  I knew it!  I don't want to know!

CATHY STARTS BITING HER NAILS.

LAVERNE

Cathy, stop biting your nails.  He's only the president of the whole corporation.  (BEAT)  Here.  Bite my nails.

In the script, Hugh tells Hillary she looks fine, while in the episode he says she looks a little flushed.  And the girls tell her onscreen that she looks terrible, while here's how that part went in the script:

HILLARY

Well, girls.  Are your uniforms in place?

LAVERNE

Mine has to be, it's got nowhere to go.

The first couple pages of Laverne and Cathy auditioning for Hefner basically made it in, although Hef's reply to Laverne's offer to "light your Hefner, Mr. Pipe" was originally "That's very nice of you, but I left my tanning lotion at home."

Onscreen, Laverne and Hugh talk about her wiping up the milk Cathy spilled with her own tail, but this is what happened after Laverne's attempt to act as a sponge:

CATHY CALMLY WRINGS OUT LAVERNE'S TAIL AS HILLARY COMES UP TO THEM, HOLDING A POLAROID CAMERA.

HILLARY

Cathy, perhaps Mr. Hefner would like his picture taken.  (HANDS CAMERA TO CATHY)  Laverne, why don't you get into the shot.

LAVERNE LEAPS AT THE SUGGESTION AND JUMPS INTO HEF'S LAP.  HILLARY REACTS.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

(SOTTO TO LAVERNE) Bunnies never touch the customers.

LAVERNE LEAPS OFF HEF'S LAP.  AS CATHY FOCUSES THE CAMERA, LAVERNE STANDS BEHIND HEFNER AND TRIES TO STRIKE A POSE WITHOUT TOUCHING HIM.  SHE ENDS UP WITH HER ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER, BUT IT WAVERS A FEW INCHES ABOVE IT.

CATHY

Okay, on three, say "cheese."  One, two, three...

LAVERNE/HEF

Cheese.

CATHY PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE CAMERA AND LAVERNE AND HEF RELAX.  AS CATHY POINTS THE CAMERA TOWARDS THE FLOOR, THE FLASH GOES OFF.

LAVERNE
It's such lovely carpeting.  I'm sure you'll want a picture of it.

CATHY IS STRUGGLING TO GET THE PICTURE OUT OF THE POLAROID.  LAVERNE MOVES TO HELP HER AS HILLARY TALKS TO HEF IN THE BACKGROUND.  WE SEE HEF FEEL HER FOREHEAD.  LAVERNE REACHES OVER AND GRABS HEF'S PIPE.

LAVERNE

Mind if I borrow this?  It's part of our pipe cleaning service.

LAVERNE TRIES TO PRY OPEN THE CAMERA WITH THE PIPE, BUT THE PIPE BREAKS.  LAVERNE REACTS AND OFFERS THE PIPESTEM TO HEF.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

See?  This way you get a cigarette holder and a fingerbowl.

HEF

I prefer the old fashioned kind -- in one piece.  You know, I've never seen a bunny quite like you.

LAVERNE

You mean I get the job?

HEF
Are you kidding?  I've got a business to run.

CATHY CONSOLES LAVERNE.

Hef welcoming Cathy ot "the hutch" was kept, as was Cathy and Laverne saying that the other deserves the job, for an entire page of the script, until finally Cathy accepts the job.  Onscreen though, this segued into Laverne coaxing Cathy through singing "My Guy," and then more about who can take the one open bunny position, followed by Hef inviting Laverne to dinner and her happily accepting, especially since she can wash the milk off her "heinie" in his Jacuzzi.  (That sounds dirtier when I type that out.)  Anyway, he does ask her out to dinner in this script, but the dialogue is very different, so here's the last page for the scene, wrapping up Act Two:

CATHY REACTS WITH EXCITEMENT.  SHE HUGS LAVERNE.

CATHY

Laverne, that was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

LAVERNE

Don't mention it.

CATHY RUNS OFF WITH HILLARY.  LAVERNE IS LEFT WITH HEF.

HEF

That was a nice thing you did.  I'd be honored if you would join me for dinner.

LAVERNE

Me and you?  You're on.

LAVERNE AND HEF SIT AT THE TABLE.

LAVERNE

What do you recommend?

HEF

How about the crepe suzettes?  They're served flaming at the table.

LAVERNE

Sounds exciting.  I'll try it.

HEF

(CALLING) Oh, waitress?

CATHY ENTERS READY TO TAKE THE ORDER.  LAVERNE REACTS.

LAVERNE

On second thought, I think I'll have the chef's salad.

Thoughts:

• The line about Laverne needing to post "bail" seems darker, knowing that "Death Row" is around the corner.
• I know that Laverne and Cathy have become insta-friends, but biting each other's nails would be a little over the line.
• As filmed, Laverne is trying to cover for and promote Cathy in this scene, while here Solomon's need to show Laverne as an occasional moron pops up with her sitting in Hef's lap and borrowing and then breaking his pipe, which smart-cookie Milwaukee-Laverne would never have done.
• Not that this Cathy comes across as much brighter, while onscreen she's just nervous and scared.

"The Playboy Show," Scene E

A bit of this scene became the tag, but here it is in its entirety:

INT. LAVERNE'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT WEEK

LAVERNE IS DOING SOME LAST MINUTE PRACTICING BEFORE HER BIG NIGHT AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB.  SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE ARE A TEDDY BEAR PROPPED UP ON SOME BOOKS.  A BOX WITH A MELON AS A HEAD (WEARING A HAT), AND A MOP HANDLE WEARING A SHIRT.  LAVERNE HOLDS A TRAY AND APPROACHES THE TABLE.

LAVERNE

Hello, I'm Bunny Laverne, have you folks decided what to order?  One cup of hot porridge for the bear... What'll it be, Melon-head?  (SMILES)  Oh, why thank you, you've got quite a figure yourself.  (AS IF SHE'S JUST BEEN PINCHED) Hey, watch it, Moppo.

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND FRANK ENTERS WITH A BOX OF TAKE HOME PIZZA.

FRANK

(STOPS) Oh, sorry.  I didn't know you had friends over.

LAVERNE

No, Pop, come in.  It's just Moppo, Teddy, and Melon-head.

FRANK

(TO GUESTS) Hi.  Nice to meet you.

LAVERNE

Pop, we gotta talk.

FRANK

I know.  That's why I came over.  Here.

HANDS HER THE BOX.

FRANK (CONT'D) 

It's to say I'm sorry about blowin' up at you.

LAVERNE

(READING BOX) "Bob's Real New Orleans Pizza."  Aw, Pop, you didn't have to...

THEY GO TO HUG, THE BOX BETWEEN THEM.

FRANK

(BACKING AWAY) Enough mush.  I'm starved.

HE TAKES THE BOX TO THE KITCHEN AND OPENS IT UP.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Lately I been doing some thinkin', and, well... if you wanna be a bunny, you got my blessin'.  I was so mad at myself, I was takin' it out on you.

FRANK TAKES A BITE OF THE PIZZA.

LAVERNE

Gee, I don't know what to say.

FRANK

That stinks!

LAVERNE

But if it bothers you that much, I'll think of somethin'.

FRANK

I'm talkin' about the pizza.  A real Italian pizza gotta have more garlic.

FRANK TAKES GRATED GARLIC OUT OF A CUPBOARD AND SHAKES SOME ONTO THE PIZZA.

FRANK

And it needs some good old country peppers...

HE OPENS THE FRIDGE.  HE TAKES OUT A GREEN BRICK.

FRANK (CONT'D)

What's this?

LAVERNE

Oh, that's Christmas cheese.

FRANK

What's Christmas cheese?

LAVERNE

I bought it last Christmas.

FRANK TAKES A BOTTLE OF CHOPPED PEPPERS AND PUTS SOME ON THE PIZZA.

FRANK

A little olive oil...

FRANK WHISTLES AS HE GETS A BOTTLE OUT OF THE CUPBOARD AND SPRINKLES SOME ONTO THE PIZZA.  HE BEGINS SINGING.

FRANK (CONT'D)

(SINGING) "When the moon hits the sky like a big pizza pie, that [sic] amore...

LAVERNE

Pop, you wanna take a look at yourself here?  Ten minutes ago you were unhappy cause you weren't doing what you wanted to do.  Now look at you.  You're so happy and loose, you make linguini look tense.

FRANK

Ten minutes ago I wasn't makin' pizza.  You know, I forgot how good it feels.

LAVERNE

So what's stoppin' you, Pop?  Nobody says Cowboy Bill's has to only serve burgers and ribs.

FRANK

My daughter's a genius.

LAVERNE

Yeah, well, she's also late.  I gotta get down to the club.  Hugh Hefner's gonna be there.

FRANK

Good luck, Muffin.

LAVERNE STARTS TO EXIT.

LAVERNE

I wonder if he looks the same in person as he does in the magazine.

FRANK

I wouldn't know.  I only read it for the articles.

LAVERNE EXITS AS FRANK MAKES PIZZA.

Some thoughts:

• The script said that Hefner would be at the next phase of the audition on the "tomorrow" of Scene D.  The only way this is "next week" is if Scene D takes place on a Saturday.
• If mops represent Lenny in the symbolism of the series....
• Doesn't the use of these props as "guests" feel more like something Milwaukee-Shirley would've done?
• The tag definitely shortens and simplifies Frank returning to his pizza-making roots.  He does apologize for "blowing up at her."
• This is kind of a sweet father-daughter scene, not classic, but cute.
• What's stopping him?  I don't know, can he just arbitrarily change the menu of a franchise like that?
• Judging by photos, Hef pretty much looked the same from the '50s until death, other than aging I mean.  It's not like Fabian trying to pass as his teenage self in the late '70s.

"The Playboy Show," Scene D

Act Two begins at the Playboy Club the next day:

THE PROSPECTIVE BUNNIES, INCLUDING LAVERNE AND CATHY, ARE DRESSED FOR TRAINING (SHORTS, SWEATS, ETC.)  THEY ARE CHATTING AMONGST THEMSELVES AS THEY WAIT FOR THE BUNNY MOTHER TO RETURN.  LAVERNE TALKS WITH CATHY.

LAVERNE

(LOOKING AT THE OTHER GIRLS) How we gonna make it against all these gorgeous women?  They make me look like Minnie Mouse.

CATHY

You're hired for a lot more than just how pretty you are.

A BEAUTIFUL BUNNY WALKS BY.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  I bet she makes a heck of a Margarita.  Tell me, when you first tried out, was anyone upset with you?

CATHY

The Bunny Mother.  During bartending lessons, I accidentally caught her bunny ears in the blender.

LAVERNE

No, I mean your family.  My Pop thinks being a bunny is all about getting grabbed and asked out all the time.  He ain't too happy about me doing this.

CATHY

My parents want me to do what makes me happy, although they weren't too pleased when I told them I wanted a pony.

LAVERNE

What's wrong with that?

CATHY

We lived in an apartment.

HILLARY ENTERS.

HILLARY

Hi.  I'm back.  Now what was I last saying?

LAVERNE

"My neck, my neck, my aching neck."

HILLARY

Before that.

CATHY

You said it's not easy lifting your tray when you have arthritis.

HILLARY

Oh, that's right.  (OPENING AND CLOSING HER FIST A FEW TIMES.)  Now, let's go over the proper way to serve drinks.  It's done in 3 steps.  Just do as I do.  Step 1...

HILLARY LIFTS A TRAY TO HER SIDE WITH ONE HAND.  THE GIRLS ALL FOLLOW.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

Step 2...

SHE LIFTS THE TRAY OVER HER HEAD.  AS THE GIRLS DO THE SAME THING: 

HILLARY (CONT'D)

Oh my...

SHE TAKES HER FREE HAND AND PUTS IT TO HER CHEST.  EACH GIRL DOES THE SAME THING.  SHE PUTS HER HAND TO HER NECK TO CHECK HER PULSE, SO DO THE GIRLS.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

It's my heart.  It's beating funny again.

TRAINEES IN UNISON

Yes you do look pale Bunny Hillary.

HILLARY

Thank you.  Now, to carry the tray to the table, we start with the Bunny Perch.

HILLARY ILLUSTRATES EACH OF THE FOLLOWING AS THE GIRLS FOLLOW ALONG.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

Then we assume the Bunny Stance.  We then proceed to the table with what?

LAVERNE RAISES HER HAND.

LAVERNE

The Bunny Hop?

HILLARY

Close, but, no.  We do the Bunny Dip.  It's to avoid falling out.

LAVERNE

Falling out of what?

A BEAT.  EVERYONE LOOKS AT LAVERNE AS IF IT IS OBVIOUS.  SHE FINALLY GETS IT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Oh.

This was all left out and we instead start the scene before Laverne enters, as Cathy sings a bit of "My Guy."  Laverne comes in and compliments her, so Cathy admits she hopes that being a bunny can launch her singing career.  Rather than Cathy's parents just wanting her to happy, they want her to marry a doctor and have kids, leading Laverne to ask if Cathy is Italian.  Cathy says she's Jewish, which Laverne says is the same thing.

Hillary's lead-in for Squiggy's Hello is longer in the script, "It is essential that a bunny remain polite and congenial no matter how rude or unruly a customer may become.  So that you can get some practice handling this sort of thing, we have searched far and wide to come up with the most rude, disgusting man we could find."

Squiggy was supposed to be "dressed as a playboy extraordinaire," while instead the wardrobe department just gave him a flashier leather jacket.

In the script, instead of Squiggy having been told that he needs to prove he's the typical man who reads Playboy, he says, "They needed someone who can act repelling and disgusting.  It's a stretch but I do my best."

The next half-page basically made it in, but the second half of the Squiggy-Cathy exchange was different in the script:

SQUIGGY

(LOOKS HER OVER LUSTILY) I'd say you brought it already, you wild guernsey

CATHY

I'm here to serve you.  May I get you a cocktail?

SQUIGGY

Tell me, are those your ears, or are you just happy to see me?

SQUIGGY GRABS AT HER.

CATHY

Let go of me you disgusting pig.

Onscreen, his "compliments" are changed and he licks her arm instead, causing her to get whisky to cleanse her arm.  The part with the bunny named Eunice was added, while the script goes right to Laverne.

This is how their exchange went in the script:

LAVERNE

May I take your order?

SQUIGGY

Certainly, Miss.  I'll have the veal francese and I'll let you recommend the wine.

LAVERNE

What are you doing, Squig?

SQUIGGY

Helping you out by being nice.

LAVERNE

I don't want you to be nice.

SQUIGGY

If I'm nice, you'll get the job and I can come in and bother you all the time.

LAVERNE

You got it all wrong.  You gotta be rude.  That's how I earn my points.

SQUIGGY

Me?  Rude?

LAVERNE

Force yourself.  I know you can do it.

SQUIGGY

Laverne, here I am bending my back over forwards for you being nice, and all you do is gripe.

LAVERNE

I just want you to be your regular, disgusting self.

SQUIGGY

Laverne, I'm on your side.

LAVERNE

I don't want you on my side!

    SQUIGGY

(ALOUD) My, you are a wonderful efficient waitress.

LAVERNE

Okay, Squig, you asked for it.

LAVERNE PICKS UP A NEARBY DRINK AND DUMPS IT ON SQUIGGY.

SQUIGGY

Well.  I can take a hint.

GRABS A TRAINEE.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Come, my dear.  You must help me dry my pants.

SQUIGGY AND TRAINEE EXIT.

The last part of the scene wasn't drastically different, although Tom handed Hillary a note that made the girls guess what special guest with a pipe and smoking jacket would be at the dress rehearsal.  (Laverne guesses Sherlock Holmes.)

I'm perfectly fine with the pre-Squiggy stuff being changed and I'm glad that the moments of Laverne not understanding (there and with Sherlock) were left out, because Laverne shouldn't be pointlessly stupid or dense.  On the other hand, I sort of prefer the Laverne & Squiggy interaction in the script, although it could be shorter.  I'm fine with him being dense and thinking he's actually doing Laverne a favor.  Note that in the filmed scene, he exits distraught because of his inability to be sleazy with Laverne under pressure, while in the script he salvages the situation by taking a trainee with him to "dry his pants."

"The Playboy Show," Scene C

We finally get to the apartment, "the next week."  (And, yeah, how sad that it is no longer "the girls' apartment.")

RHONDA STANDS BY THE DOOR.  LAVERNE COMES DOWN THE STEPS CARRYING A STRAW FARMER'S TYPE HAT.

LAVERNE

Here you go, Rhonda.  One farmer's hat.  Be careful with it.  It was once worn by Mr. Ed.

RHONDA

(PUTS HAT ON.  AS MR. ED.) Thanks, Laverne.  (TAKES HAT OFF, NORMAL VOICE) This'll be great for the opening night cast party.

RHONDA STARTS TO LEAVE.  LAVERNE STOPS HER.

LAVERNE

Hey, Rhonda, you haven't heard from the Playboy Club yet, have you?

RHONDA

Why, yes, they called this morning.  I had to turn them down, of course.  What did you tell them?

LAVERNE

Well, uh, I was in the shower, and then I took out the garbage.  Oh, and then I had to take in the mail.  So I probably missed the call.

RHONDA

They called Rhonda at seven o'clock this morning.  What were you doing then?

LAVERNE

The mail came early today.

RHONDA

How odd.  He usually delivers my mail when I'm getting ready for bed.

RHONDA EXITS.

LAVERNE

Boy.  Who would want to get woken at 7 a.m. just to be a Playboy Bunny.

This was all left out and the filmed scene begins with Laverne waiting by the phone.  After Laverne gets the call from Hillary, in the script she says, "I wonder how you train for training," then she heads for the refrigerator and starts eating a carrot.  On the episode, she exclaims and then realizes there's no one there to celebrate with.  (Awwww!)

Frank coming in depressed and not wanting to deal with Laverne's happiness was kept, but not Laverne's "Maybe you could go to a funeral or something," and Frank's "Did that already.  They kicked me out.  Said I was bringing their spirits down."

Laverne sharing her happy news was kept, as was her surprise that he's not as happy as when she became a cheerleader.  The little cheer they do on the episode was added, but rather than Frank saying she didn't have to put a "pom-pom on her boom-chicka-boom," the script actually uses the word "butt."

Laverne bringing up senior prom and Frank reluctantly giving in must have come along in later drafts.  Here's how the last part of the scene (and the act) went in this script:

LAVERNE

Number 1, you don't have to look.  Number 2, Ma had great ankles.  And Number 3, I'm a big girl now, and if I want to try something, it's up to me.

FRANK

And you're stubborn, you know that?

LAVERNE

Yeah, stubborn.  That I got from you.

FRANK

Well get this from me.  You ain't gonna be a Playboy Bunny.

LAVERNE

Well get this from me.  You ain't gonna stop me.

So there's actually a conflict about Frank's disapproval in this version, which might've been too many threads for the episode once Cathy's singing came in.  Laverne referring to her mother as "Ma" feels off, since it's usually "Mom" for her I think.  The stuff with Rhonda is cute but unnecessary, especially since she presumably could get a straw hat from the theater's wardrobe department.

"The Playboy Show," Scene B

It's the Playboy Club, during the day:

THE CLUB IS ALL SET FOR RECRUITMENT DAY.  THERE IS A SIGN ON THE WALL WHICH READS "PLAYBOY CLUB 7TH ANNUAL BUNNY HUNT."  THERE IS AN APPLICATION TABLE, BEHIND WHICH SITS THE "BUNNY MOTHER," HILLARY.  A LINE OF PROSPECTIVE BUNNIES LEADS FROM THE TABLE.  LAVERNE ENTERS, LOOKS AROUND, AND GETS AT THE END OF THE LINE.  A MAN IN BLACK SLACKS AND WHITE DINNER JACKET APPROACHES LAVERNE.

TOM

So, you're going to be a bunny?

LAVERNE

Nah.  Bad ankles.  Just picking up an application for a friend.

TOM

Too bad.  I think you'd make a great bunny.

LAVERNE

Really?

TOM

I can spot them.  I've been around here for years.

LAVERNE

Well, thanks for the compliment.

HILLARY

Tom.  What are you doing?  I asked you to get more applications.

TOM

Yes ma'am.

HILLARY

And also some tea.

TOM PICKS UP A TRAY OF EMPTY GLASSES AND GOES OFF.  A NERVOUS LOOKING YOUNG WOMAN, CATHY, ENTERS AND JOINS THE LINE BEHIND LAVERNE.  SHE IS PUTTING ON MASCARA WITH A BRUSH AND MIRROR.

CATHY

(TO LAVERNE) Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but how's my mascara?  Last time I put on way too much.

LAVERNE

Oh, I did that once.  I put on so much my lids stuck closed.  I missed a great movie.  But don't worry.  You look good.

CATHY

I hope so.  This is my last chance.  I've applied 3 times - once at every club in the country, but each time I get, well....

LAVERNE

You get nervous?

CATHY

Exactly.  How could you tell?

LAVERNE

Well, for one thing, you're about to put lipstick on your eyebrows.

CATHY

Oh!  I always do this kind of thing.  By the way, I'm Cathy.

LAVERNE

Laverne.  Hi.

This was left out and Cathy's introduction was sort of swapped with Hillary's, which I'll get to.  The part with Laverne saying she's just getting an application for a friend was kept, as was Cathy encouraging her to apply.  Laverne saying that "the busboy thought" she'd be a great bunny was left out of course, but Cathy asking about Laverne's current job was left in.

The script then had the part with Laverne meeting Hillary and that's mostly intact, but Hillary's line about a cold fever which "happened to a beautician in Des Moines," whose "cheeks swelled up till they convered her face and she suffocated" disappeared, probably for the best.  On the episode, Hillary leaves the applications with Laverne, who hands them out, including to Cathy.  Here's what happened instead in the script:

HILLARY HANDS LAVERNE AN APPLICATION.  CATHY STEPS FORWARD.

CATHY

I'd like two applications.  One for me, and one for my friend.  (INDICATES LAVERNE)

HILLARY HANDS HER TWO APPLICATIONS.

HILLARY

(TO CATHY) I know we haven't met, but could you confirm that I'm warm.

LAVERNE

Say she's warm.

CATHY

(FEELING FOREHEAD) A little.

HILLARY

What a relief.

LAVERNE AND CATHY START TO EXIT.

CATHY

You really should think about being a bunny.

LAVERNE

Well, I was a good one in the 3rd grade production of "Peter Cottontail."  I was supposed to play the Cabbage Patch but had to fill in when Marcia Hotchkiss got chicken pox.  Her face got all red and blotchy...

THEY EXIT.

In the episode, Cathy and Laverne fill out the applications on the spot, although Laverne keeps worrying about her ankles.

At this point, Hillary had not yet been cast, and it looks like Tom Trbovich, who directed many of the California episodes, as Tom would be dropped before filming.  Note that the spelling of "Squiggman" is finally correct.  I don't find Hillary's hypochondria funny or necessary, but this scene isn't bad, just meh.

"The Playboy Show," Scene A

It was August 25, 1982.  Cindy was five or six months pregnant and the show was scrambling.  No Season Eight episodes had yet aired but it looked like she and the Powers That Be would not be able to work things out.  Penny called upon her friends to help out, and one of her best agreed to do this episode.  So the role of Cathy was cast as of the Pre-Production Draft.  The episode wouldn't air for another two and a half months, so changes were made along the way.  How many changes?  Well, let's get started....

We open at Cowboy Bill's, in the day:

FRANK IS DEALING WITH AN UPSET CUSTOMER WHO IS POINTING TO A PICTURE ON THE MENU.  

FRANK

Ok [sic], you want it to look like the picture?

FRANK TAKES THE PICTURE OUT OF THE MENU, DUMPS THE BURGER OUT OF THE BUN, AND PUTS THE PICTURE BETWEEN THE TWO HALVES OF THE BUN.

FRANK

You want dessert?  That picture of pie looks pretty good.

CUSTOMER SHAKES HIS HEAD.  LAVERNE ENTERS CARRYING A BIG BAG OF CHINESE FOOD.  SHE PUTS THE BAG DOWN ON A TABLE AND STARTS PULLING OUT WHITE TAKE HOME BOXES.

LAVERNE

Here you go, Pop.  Three orders Chicken Chow Mein, 2 orders Oyster Beef, one (SOUNDING OUT) Moo-goo-gai pan...  Must be Chinese baby food or something.  And I keep the fortune cookies.

AS LAVERNE TAKES A HANDFUL OF COOKIES, FRANK GRABS THE BAG AND STARTS DISTRIBUTING THE BOXES TO ONE TABLE.

FRANK

Here.  That's twelve dollars.  Want something to drink?

ONE CUSTOMER TAKES OUT A THERMOS BOTTLE.

FRANK (CONT'D)

How about straws?  Six for a dollar.

ANOTHER CUSTOMER AT THE TABLE TAKES OUT GLASSES.  FRANK HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN.

LAVERNE

Pop, you can't keep letting people order from other restaurants.

FRANK

Why not?

LAVERNE

There's no such thing as a Take-In place.  You'll go broke.

FRANK

Better broke than bored.

LAVERNE

I dunno about that Pop.  I'd rather be bored on a yacht than have plenty to do in a soup line.

FRANK

As long as it ain't me cookin' the soup, I don't care.

FRANK EXITS TO THE KITCHEN.

None of this made it in and Frank's discontent was made much shorter.  Then there was this:

RHONDA ENTERS, BAREFOOT, DRESSED IN A DAISY MAE OUTFIT.

RHONDA

Hi ho, Laverne.  Rhonda needs a favor.

LAVERNE

You want to borrow my shoes again, Rhonda?  Where'd you leave them this time.

RHONDA

At home.  Rhonda's dressed for an audition of Li'l Abner.  It's practically in the bag.  There are only 12 Daisy Mae wigs in town and Rhonda has rented them all.

LAVERNE

Then what do you need me for?  And you better not say Mammy Yokum.  

RHONDA

You would be good, but that's not it.  Would you go down to the Playboy Club and pick me up an application?  They're having a Bunny Hunt.

LAVERNE

I'm getting confused, Rhonda.  Do you want to be Daisy Mae or Elmer Fudd?

RHONDA

Well, my heart is really in Dogpatch, but just in case it won't hurt to apply.

This was all swapped out for a shorter exchange about the "experimental" production.  Rhonda encouraging Laverne to apply herself and Laverne saying that she has "dinky little birdy ankles," as well as Rhonda leaving to warm up to the director, all made it in.  Instead of Laverne's line about Rhonda always having an angle, this is how the scene ended:

LAVERNE

Imagine, Mammy Yokum as a Playboy bunny.

LAVERNE GRABS A FORTUNE COOKIE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(READING) "You are beautiful, in body and spirit."  Wow.  Didn't say anything about my ankles.

SHE OPENS ANOTHER ONE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

"Quit while you're ahead."

And then she exits to the kitchen.

While this isn't jaw-droppingly terrible like Ed Solomon's "Monastery Show" (and, yes, I know he had "help"), it's not especially funny.  (And the "moo-goo-gai pan" joke is pretty much stolen from a beloved Bob Newhart episode.)  Shortening and tightening the scene was a good idea.  Not that it's funny onscreen either, but at least it only takes up two minutes rather than four pages.  I do have to point out that Solomon seems to have no grasp of Laverne's character, more egregiously in "Monastery," but even here, the "yacht" line is not at all Laverne, who should put fun ahead of money, see the "cruise" two-parter for instance.

"Perfidy in Blue," Scene J

It's back to the bedroom, later that night.

SHIRLEY, STILL ASLEEP, IS IN THE CLIMAX OF HER NIGHTMARE.

(I would've thought that was when she and Leonardo were reliving the bus station.  Sorry.)

The dialogue was rephrased in minor ways but is basically intact.  Interestingly, the spelling of "bubblenik" in the sense of "a silly person" is different than the last name, and I don't think this is a typo because it appears twice.  The girls were supposed to "exit babbling back and forth," instead of Shirley babbling and then Laverne wordlessly slamming the bathroom door on her.

This revised shooting script has the basic form of what aired, but with some notable changes, especially with (head-shake) Fritz/Rhoda.  Next up will be some more scripts from Season Eight, and we'll be able to trace whether they got worse or better, or simply just more or less weird.

"Perfidy in Blue," Scene H

Still at the funeral home, "an hour later."  Sqven and Lu Anne were simply supposed to have "their clothes in disarray" when they enter, rather than him making noises as she twirls him with his legs around her.  And there's no mention of the lipstick marks (or hickeys) that Lu Anne has left on Sqven.  This is what we lost after the others encourage Sqven's "good answer":

EULOGIST

May I continue?  Yes, we'll all miss Charlene Baublenik.  Not because she was a good wife and mother.  Not because (LOOKS AT NOTES) she was a fine saxophone player in high school.  No, we will miss Charlene Baublenik for one reason and one reason only.

LU ANNE

(IMPATIENT) Because she's gone.

SQVEN

What're you talking about?  She's right here.

Leonardo's line to Charlene, "I only wish I could have done more to you... for you" was cleaned up to just "I only wish I could have done more for you."  Squiggy's confession of infidelity was more specific in the script, "...Every Thursday for five years," rather than once a week on an unspecified day.  We missed Lu Anne's burn to Charlene, "Who did your make-up?  Emmett Kelly?"

We also missed Lu Anne telling Rhoda during the fight over the jewelry, "Rotate, Frenchie, I was here first."

When Charlene "rises from the dead," Sqven was supposed to tell her, "You know I lied about all those Thursday nights.  It was Wednesday."

This probably won't make you feel any better about Froda, but here's how that part of the reveal went in this version:

RHODA HUGS FRITZ.

RHODA

Papa!

FRITZ

No, not you.  I made a mistake.  You're the only one who's not my child.  You're my brother.

Charlene was understandably supposed to be "very angry" about her own sister trying to kill her, while Charlene seems more miffed in the episode.

I don't know if I'm more shocked that Fritz and Rhoda are brothers or that Charlene might be a mother.

Shameless cross-self-promotion

To my one or two readers, my misadventures in the Marshallverse continue at https://relivinghappydays.blogspot.com/.  I will continue to post at this blog, perhaps with LAS-specific insights I gain from looking at its brother show, as well as more script goodies until The Man cracks down on my opposite-of-for-profit exploration of why LAS's writer's room was a war zone that led to surprising on-and-off-air moments.

"Perfidy in Blue," Scene E

Act Two is set at a "funeral home," during the day.  Except, for the filming they just redressed the girls' apartment set again.  Charlene was supposed to be "lying in state on a table surrounded by flowers," rather than propped up on a divan that's surrounded by flowers.  In the script, Sqven does call Charlene beautiful but not pure and sweet.  Also, Sqven blowing his nose (and tossing the handkerchief in his hat!) seems like a Landerian addition.  On the other hand, we lost this:

SQVEN SOBS OVER HER BODY, LOUDER THAN EVER.  CHARLENE'S HAND REACHES UP, STROKES HIS SHOULDER.  

SQVEN

The memory of you is so alive I can almost feel it.  In fact, I do feel it.

LU ANNE ENTERS.  CHARLENE'S HAND QUICKLY PLAYS DEAD AGAIN.  LU ANNE EMBRACES SQVEN.

And after Lu Anne tells him to "kiss up to me" and "kisses him passionately," there was this:

SQVEN ABRUPTLY BREAKS IT OFF.

SQVEN

No.  Not here in front of my dear departed wife.  I could never live with myself.

LU ANNE

Live with me.

SQVEN

That I could do.

THEY KISS MORE PASSIONATELY THAN EVER.

Charlene was supposed to "smack Lu Anne" rather than push her head, but the "I love it when you're rough" and "golf" exchange is similar, yet actually expanded for the filming.  Sqven was supposed to jump on Lu Anne again right before they exit.

This was omitted right after that:

CHARLENE SITS UP FURIOUS.

CHARLENE

You'll go off together over my dead body!  (BEAT)  They just did.

CHARLENE LIES BACK DOWN ON THE BIER.

I would say that the married couple are more ambivalent here than on the episode, with Charlene risking giving herself away to comfort Sqven in his grief for her, which would be toned down and he would seem less conflicted about making out in front of his "dead wife."  Also, why is Charlene upset about Lu Anne/Sqven going off together, when she's planning to run off with Leonardo?  And, my God, is that a Laverne/Squiggy proposal?  At least to shack up?  This is such a soap opera!  Oh, right.