"The Playboy Show," Scene D

Act Two begins at the Playboy Club the next day:

THE PROSPECTIVE BUNNIES, INCLUDING LAVERNE AND CATHY, ARE DRESSED FOR TRAINING (SHORTS, SWEATS, ETC.)  THEY ARE CHATTING AMONGST THEMSELVES AS THEY WAIT FOR THE BUNNY MOTHER TO RETURN.  LAVERNE TALKS WITH CATHY.

LAVERNE

(LOOKING AT THE OTHER GIRLS) How we gonna make it against all these gorgeous women?  They make me look like Minnie Mouse.

CATHY

You're hired for a lot more than just how pretty you are.

A BEAUTIFUL BUNNY WALKS BY.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  I bet she makes a heck of a Margarita.  Tell me, when you first tried out, was anyone upset with you?

CATHY

The Bunny Mother.  During bartending lessons, I accidentally caught her bunny ears in the blender.

LAVERNE

No, I mean your family.  My Pop thinks being a bunny is all about getting grabbed and asked out all the time.  He ain't too happy about me doing this.

CATHY

My parents want me to do what makes me happy, although they weren't too pleased when I told them I wanted a pony.

LAVERNE

What's wrong with that?

CATHY

We lived in an apartment.

HILLARY ENTERS.

HILLARY

Hi.  I'm back.  Now what was I last saying?

LAVERNE

"My neck, my neck, my aching neck."

HILLARY

Before that.

CATHY

You said it's not easy lifting your tray when you have arthritis.

HILLARY

Oh, that's right.  (OPENING AND CLOSING HER FIST A FEW TIMES.)  Now, let's go over the proper way to serve drinks.  It's done in 3 steps.  Just do as I do.  Step 1...

HILLARY LIFTS A TRAY TO HER SIDE WITH ONE HAND.  THE GIRLS ALL FOLLOW.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

Step 2...

SHE LIFTS THE TRAY OVER HER HEAD.  AS THE GIRLS DO THE SAME THING: 

HILLARY (CONT'D)

Oh my...

SHE TAKES HER FREE HAND AND PUTS IT TO HER CHEST.  EACH GIRL DOES THE SAME THING.  SHE PUTS HER HAND TO HER NECK TO CHECK HER PULSE, SO DO THE GIRLS.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

It's my heart.  It's beating funny again.

TRAINEES IN UNISON

Yes you do look pale Bunny Hillary.

HILLARY

Thank you.  Now, to carry the tray to the table, we start with the Bunny Perch.

HILLARY ILLUSTRATES EACH OF THE FOLLOWING AS THE GIRLS FOLLOW ALONG.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

Then we assume the Bunny Stance.  We then proceed to the table with what?

LAVERNE RAISES HER HAND.

LAVERNE

The Bunny Hop?

HILLARY

Close, but, no.  We do the Bunny Dip.  It's to avoid falling out.

LAVERNE

Falling out of what?

A BEAT.  EVERYONE LOOKS AT LAVERNE AS IF IT IS OBVIOUS.  SHE FINALLY GETS IT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Oh.

This was all left out and we instead start the scene before Laverne enters, as Cathy sings a bit of "My Guy."  Laverne comes in and compliments her, so Cathy admits she hopes that being a bunny can launch her singing career.  Rather than Cathy's parents just wanting her to happy, they want her to marry a doctor and have kids, leading Laverne to ask if Cathy is Italian.  Cathy says she's Jewish, which Laverne says is the same thing.

Hillary's lead-in for Squiggy's Hello is longer in the script, "It is essential that a bunny remain polite and congenial no matter how rude or unruly a customer may become.  So that you can get some practice handling this sort of thing, we have searched far and wide to come up with the most rude, disgusting man we could find."

Squiggy was supposed to be "dressed as a playboy extraordinaire," while instead the wardrobe department just gave him a flashier leather jacket.

In the script, instead of Squiggy having been told that he needs to prove he's the typical man who reads Playboy, he says, "They needed someone who can act repelling and disgusting.  It's a stretch but I do my best."

The next half-page basically made it in, but the second half of the Squiggy-Cathy exchange was different in the script:

SQUIGGY

(LOOKS HER OVER LUSTILY) I'd say you brought it already, you wild guernsey

CATHY

I'm here to serve you.  May I get you a cocktail?

SQUIGGY

Tell me, are those your ears, or are you just happy to see me?

SQUIGGY GRABS AT HER.

CATHY

Let go of me you disgusting pig.

Onscreen, his "compliments" are changed and he licks her arm instead, causing her to get whisky to cleanse her arm.  The part with the bunny named Eunice was added, while the script goes right to Laverne.

This is how their exchange went in the script:

LAVERNE

May I take your order?

SQUIGGY

Certainly, Miss.  I'll have the veal francese and I'll let you recommend the wine.

LAVERNE

What are you doing, Squig?

SQUIGGY

Helping you out by being nice.

LAVERNE

I don't want you to be nice.

SQUIGGY

If I'm nice, you'll get the job and I can come in and bother you all the time.

LAVERNE

You got it all wrong.  You gotta be rude.  That's how I earn my points.

SQUIGGY

Me?  Rude?

LAVERNE

Force yourself.  I know you can do it.

SQUIGGY

Laverne, here I am bending my back over forwards for you being nice, and all you do is gripe.

LAVERNE

I just want you to be your regular, disgusting self.

SQUIGGY

Laverne, I'm on your side.

LAVERNE

I don't want you on my side!

    SQUIGGY

(ALOUD) My, you are a wonderful efficient waitress.

LAVERNE

Okay, Squig, you asked for it.

LAVERNE PICKS UP A NEARBY DRINK AND DUMPS IT ON SQUIGGY.

SQUIGGY

Well.  I can take a hint.

GRABS A TRAINEE.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Come, my dear.  You must help me dry my pants.

SQUIGGY AND TRAINEE EXIT.

The last part of the scene wasn't drastically different, although Tom handed Hillary a note that made the girls guess what special guest with a pipe and smoking jacket would be at the dress rehearsal.  (Laverne guesses Sherlock Holmes.)

I'm perfectly fine with the pre-Squiggy stuff being changed and I'm glad that the moments of Laverne not understanding (there and with Sherlock) were left out, because Laverne shouldn't be pointlessly stupid or dense.  On the other hand, I sort of prefer the Laverne & Squiggy interaction in the script, although it could be shorter.  I'm fine with him being dense and thinking he's actually doing Laverne a favor.  Note that in the filmed scene, he exits distraught because of his inability to be sleazy with Laverne under pressure, while in the script he salvages the situation by taking a trainee with him to "dry his pants."