"The Playboy Show," Scene J

The original tag was set at Cowboy Bill's, "late that night":

THERE IS A SIGN ON THE WALL WHICH READS: "NOW SERVING REAL COWBOY PIZZA WITH REAL ITALIAN TASTE!"  FRANK IS STANDING OVER A CUSTOMER.  THE CUSTOMER IS CHEWING VERY HARD AND FAST.  FRANK HANDS HIM A GLASS OF WATER.  BEFORE THE CUSTOMER CAN FINISH DRINKING, HE TAKES THE GLASS AWAY.

FRANK

There.  How you like it?  Good, right?

THE CUSTOMER NODS HIS HEAD.  FRANK GRABS ANOTHER PIECE OF PIZZA ON THE CUSTOMER'S TRAY, AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Here.  Now taste the pepperoni.

THE CUSTOMER FORCES IT DOWN.

FRANK (CONT'D)

So, what's your order?

CUSTOMER

I'll have the western omelette.

FRANK

Why don't you try the pizza?

CUSTOMER

I don't like pizza for breakfast.

FRANK

How do you know if you've never tried it?

FRANK

(WRITING ON PAD) One omelette pizza. [I don't know why this is a separate line.]

THE PHONE RINGS.  FRANK GET [sic] IT.

FRANK

Hello.  Cowboy Bill's.

LAVERNE ENTERS.

FRANK (CONT'D)

...yeah, that's right, with the real Italian taste... How many?...  (BIG SMILE) Fifty, five-O?...I can handle it...where?  (SMILE DROPS)  Sure.  And I'll send another fifty to the White House.

FRANK HANGS UP PHONE.

LAVERNE

Pop.  What's wrong?

FRANK

Some guy called saying he was Hugh Hefner, and he wanted fifty pizzas delivered to his mansion in Beverly Hills.

LAVERNE

Pop, you didn't get my message?

FRANK

What message?

LAVERNE

I met Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Club.  I didn't get the job, but I did get him to order pizza for everybody.  So I gave him the number here.

FRANK LOOKS AT LAVERNE FOR A BEAT.  THEN RUNS TO THE PHONE.

FRANK

Hello, hello.  (TO LAVERNE) What's the number?  (HANGS UP PHONE)  Never, mind, get dressed, take me to the Club...

HE STARTS PUSHING LAVERNE OUT AS WE:

FADE OUT.

Things wrong with this tag:

1. Frank force-feeds pizza to a customer.
2. Frank force-feeds pizza to a customer so late at night that the guy wants to order breakfast.
3. Frank's restaurant is open so late at night that someone can wander in, want to order an omelet, and be force-fed pizza.
4. Laverne enters and hears Frank's side of the "prank call" and doesn't immediate realize it must be Hef.
5. Frank doesn't think Hey, my daughter is trying out to be a Bunny, maybe she put in a good word for my pizza, because how else did someone already know about my latest addition to the menu?
6. Laverne, since she's heading over to Cowboy Bill's anyway, didn't suggest to Hef that she place the order (and presumably get a staff/family discount).
7. Frank tells Laverne to "get dressed," implying she went over to the restaurant late at night, in her bunny outfit, and got no reaction from the poor force-fed customer.
8. FRANK.  FORCE.  FEEDS.  REAL.  COWBOY.  PIZZA.  TO.  A.  CUSTOMER.

You can see why they just used a bit of Scene E for the aired tag instead.

I would say that this script would get a C, as opposed to the C+ I gave the episode.  There's some stuff with Squiggy and Frank that's nice (not this scene), but we did get to hear Carrie Fisher sing and we got to see some of her friendship with Penny.  So overall, this Playboy show was improved over the next however many drafts it went through.