"The Playboy Show," Scene H

It's back to the Playboy Club, that night:

LAVERNE ENTERS, FULLY DRESSED IN HER BUNNY SUIT, COMPLETE WITH TAIL, EARS, HEELS, AND FISH NET STOCKINGS.  FROM THE WAY SHE HOLDS HERSELF WE CAN TELL THAT SHE IS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE TIGHT COSTUME.  AS SHE WALKS OUT ON THE FLOOR, HER FIRST REACTION IS TO TRY AND COVER HERSELF WHERE THE SUIT IS "SKIMPY."  SHE GOES UP TO CATHY WHO IS STANDING BY THE BAR.

Laverne's line about the tightness of the outfit was kept, as was Cathy saying that it's great that they can't breathe.  But this was omitted:

CATHY

...Aren't these the most wonderful outfits?

LAVERNE

Wonderful.  But if I sneeze I'm gonna need someone to post bail.

And after Hillary leads Hugh Hefner in, this was left out:

CATHY

It's him!  Isn't it?  It is!  (LAVERNE TRIES TO TALK)  Don't tell me!  I know it!  I knew it!  I don't want to know!

CATHY STARTS BITING HER NAILS.

LAVERNE

Cathy, stop biting your nails.  He's only the president of the whole corporation.  (BEAT)  Here.  Bite my nails.

In the script, Hugh tells Hillary she looks fine, while in the episode he says she looks a little flushed.  And the girls tell her onscreen that she looks terrible, while here's how that part went in the script:

HILLARY

Well, girls.  Are your uniforms in place?

LAVERNE

Mine has to be, it's got nowhere to go.

The first couple pages of Laverne and Cathy auditioning for Hefner basically made it in, although Hef's reply to Laverne's offer to "light your Hefner, Mr. Pipe" was originally "That's very nice of you, but I left my tanning lotion at home."

Onscreen, Laverne and Hugh talk about her wiping up the milk Cathy spilled with her own tail, but this is what happened after Laverne's attempt to act as a sponge:

CATHY CALMLY WRINGS OUT LAVERNE'S TAIL AS HILLARY COMES UP TO THEM, HOLDING A POLAROID CAMERA.

HILLARY

Cathy, perhaps Mr. Hefner would like his picture taken.  (HANDS CAMERA TO CATHY)  Laverne, why don't you get into the shot.

LAVERNE LEAPS AT THE SUGGESTION AND JUMPS INTO HEF'S LAP.  HILLARY REACTS.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

(SOTTO TO LAVERNE) Bunnies never touch the customers.

LAVERNE LEAPS OFF HEF'S LAP.  AS CATHY FOCUSES THE CAMERA, LAVERNE STANDS BEHIND HEFNER AND TRIES TO STRIKE A POSE WITHOUT TOUCHING HIM.  SHE ENDS UP WITH HER ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER, BUT IT WAVERS A FEW INCHES ABOVE IT.

CATHY

Okay, on three, say "cheese."  One, two, three...

LAVERNE/HEF

Cheese.

CATHY PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE CAMERA AND LAVERNE AND HEF RELAX.  AS CATHY POINTS THE CAMERA TOWARDS THE FLOOR, THE FLASH GOES OFF.

LAVERNE
It's such lovely carpeting.  I'm sure you'll want a picture of it.

CATHY IS STRUGGLING TO GET THE PICTURE OUT OF THE POLAROID.  LAVERNE MOVES TO HELP HER AS HILLARY TALKS TO HEF IN THE BACKGROUND.  WE SEE HEF FEEL HER FOREHEAD.  LAVERNE REACHES OVER AND GRABS HEF'S PIPE.

LAVERNE

Mind if I borrow this?  It's part of our pipe cleaning service.

LAVERNE TRIES TO PRY OPEN THE CAMERA WITH THE PIPE, BUT THE PIPE BREAKS.  LAVERNE REACTS AND OFFERS THE PIPESTEM TO HEF.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

See?  This way you get a cigarette holder and a fingerbowl.

HEF

I prefer the old fashioned kind -- in one piece.  You know, I've never seen a bunny quite like you.

LAVERNE

You mean I get the job?

HEF
Are you kidding?  I've got a business to run.

CATHY CONSOLES LAVERNE.

Hef welcoming Cathy ot "the hutch" was kept, as was Cathy and Laverne saying that the other deserves the job, for an entire page of the script, until finally Cathy accepts the job.  Onscreen though, this segued into Laverne coaxing Cathy through singing "My Guy," and then more about who can take the one open bunny position, followed by Hef inviting Laverne to dinner and her happily accepting, especially since she can wash the milk off her "heinie" in his Jacuzzi.  (That sounds dirtier when I type that out.)  Anyway, he does ask her out to dinner in this script, but the dialogue is very different, so here's the last page for the scene, wrapping up Act Two:

CATHY REACTS WITH EXCITEMENT.  SHE HUGS LAVERNE.

CATHY

Laverne, that was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

LAVERNE

Don't mention it.

CATHY RUNS OFF WITH HILLARY.  LAVERNE IS LEFT WITH HEF.

HEF

That was a nice thing you did.  I'd be honored if you would join me for dinner.

LAVERNE

Me and you?  You're on.

LAVERNE AND HEF SIT AT THE TABLE.

LAVERNE

What do you recommend?

HEF

How about the crepe suzettes?  They're served flaming at the table.

LAVERNE

Sounds exciting.  I'll try it.

HEF

(CALLING) Oh, waitress?

CATHY ENTERS READY TO TAKE THE ORDER.  LAVERNE REACTS.

LAVERNE

On second thought, I think I'll have the chef's salad.

Thoughts:

• The line about Laverne needing to post "bail" seems darker, knowing that "Death Row" is around the corner.
• I know that Laverne and Cathy have become insta-friends, but biting each other's nails would be a little over the line.
• As filmed, Laverne is trying to cover for and promote Cathy in this scene, while here Solomon's need to show Laverne as an occasional moron pops up with her sitting in Hef's lap and borrowing and then breaking his pipe, which smart-cookie Milwaukee-Laverne would never have done.
• Not that this Cathy comes across as much brighter, while onscreen she's just nervous and scared.