"The Playboy Show," Scene A

It was August 25, 1982.  Cindy was five or six months pregnant and the show was scrambling.  No Season Eight episodes had yet aired but it looked like she and the Powers That Be would not be able to work things out.  Penny called upon her friends to help out, and one of her best agreed to do this episode.  So the role of Cathy was cast as of the Pre-Production Draft.  The episode wouldn't air for another two and a half months, so changes were made along the way.  How many changes?  Well, let's get started....

We open at Cowboy Bill's, in the day:

FRANK IS DEALING WITH AN UPSET CUSTOMER WHO IS POINTING TO A PICTURE ON THE MENU.  

FRANK

Ok [sic], you want it to look like the picture?

FRANK TAKES THE PICTURE OUT OF THE MENU, DUMPS THE BURGER OUT OF THE BUN, AND PUTS THE PICTURE BETWEEN THE TWO HALVES OF THE BUN.

FRANK

You want dessert?  That picture of pie looks pretty good.

CUSTOMER SHAKES HIS HEAD.  LAVERNE ENTERS CARRYING A BIG BAG OF CHINESE FOOD.  SHE PUTS THE BAG DOWN ON A TABLE AND STARTS PULLING OUT WHITE TAKE HOME BOXES.

LAVERNE

Here you go, Pop.  Three orders Chicken Chow Mein, 2 orders Oyster Beef, one (SOUNDING OUT) Moo-goo-gai pan...  Must be Chinese baby food or something.  And I keep the fortune cookies.

AS LAVERNE TAKES A HANDFUL OF COOKIES, FRANK GRABS THE BAG AND STARTS DISTRIBUTING THE BOXES TO ONE TABLE.

FRANK

Here.  That's twelve dollars.  Want something to drink?

ONE CUSTOMER TAKES OUT A THERMOS BOTTLE.

FRANK (CONT'D)

How about straws?  Six for a dollar.

ANOTHER CUSTOMER AT THE TABLE TAKES OUT GLASSES.  FRANK HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN.

LAVERNE

Pop, you can't keep letting people order from other restaurants.

FRANK

Why not?

LAVERNE

There's no such thing as a Take-In place.  You'll go broke.

FRANK

Better broke than bored.

LAVERNE

I dunno about that Pop.  I'd rather be bored on a yacht than have plenty to do in a soup line.

FRANK

As long as it ain't me cookin' the soup, I don't care.

FRANK EXITS TO THE KITCHEN.

None of this made it in and Frank's discontent was made much shorter.  Then there was this:

RHONDA ENTERS, BAREFOOT, DRESSED IN A DAISY MAE OUTFIT.

RHONDA

Hi ho, Laverne.  Rhonda needs a favor.

LAVERNE

You want to borrow my shoes again, Rhonda?  Where'd you leave them this time.

RHONDA

At home.  Rhonda's dressed for an audition of Li'l Abner.  It's practically in the bag.  There are only 12 Daisy Mae wigs in town and Rhonda has rented them all.

LAVERNE

Then what do you need me for?  And you better not say Mammy Yokum.  

RHONDA

You would be good, but that's not it.  Would you go down to the Playboy Club and pick me up an application?  They're having a Bunny Hunt.

LAVERNE

I'm getting confused, Rhonda.  Do you want to be Daisy Mae or Elmer Fudd?

RHONDA

Well, my heart is really in Dogpatch, but just in case it won't hurt to apply.

This was all swapped out for a shorter exchange about the "experimental" production.  Rhonda encouraging Laverne to apply herself and Laverne saying that she has "dinky little birdy ankles," as well as Rhonda leaving to warm up to the director, all made it in.  Instead of Laverne's line about Rhonda always having an angle, this is how the scene ended:

LAVERNE

Imagine, Mammy Yokum as a Playboy bunny.

LAVERNE GRABS A FORTUNE COOKIE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(READING) "You are beautiful, in body and spirit."  Wow.  Didn't say anything about my ankles.

SHE OPENS ANOTHER ONE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

"Quit while you're ahead."

And then she exits to the kitchen.

While this isn't jaw-droppingly terrible like Ed Solomon's "Monastery Show" (and, yes, I know he had "help"), it's not especially funny.  (And the "moo-goo-gai pan" joke is pretty much stolen from a beloved Bob Newhart episode.)  Shortening and tightening the scene was a good idea.  Not that it's funny onscreen either, but at least it only takes up two minutes rather than four pages.  I do have to point out that Solomon seems to have no grasp of Laverne's character, more egregiously in "Monastery," but even here, the "yacht" line is not at all Laverne, who should put fun ahead of money, see the "cruise" two-parter for instance.