"Hi Neighbors," Scenes L and M

We return to the girls' apartment, "shortly afterward."  They left out Shirley saying, "Squiggy, stand still," and him replying, "I can't.  I just don't feel right."

Instead of Squiggy saying he won't take out trash in a dress, because it's not as God intended, there was this:

SQUIGGY

Hold it.  What is this -- the Army?

SHIRLEY

Nobody's making you stay.  Now stand still.

SQUIGGY

I'm not going to take out the garbage dressed like this.  People are going to think I'm a fenneman.

DOOR OPENS, LAVERNE AND LENNY ENTER.

LAVERNE

Lenny, I think we got here just in time.

LENNY

(BREAKING UP) You look like Betty Crocker.

Onscreen, Laverne and Lenny enter and Lenny laughs but doesn't say anything yet.  And Squiggy tells Shirley to get Lenny out of "our house."

This part comes after Lenny's "proposal" to Squiggy:

LAVERNE

No, for real.

LENNY

Okay, okay.  I want you to come back upstairs.  Us loners got to stick together.

SQUIGGY

Why should I?  I'm perfectly happy right here with my real friends.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Squiggy, as long as you're staying, I need to fix the ruffles on my shortie nightgown.

SQUIGGY

Alright, alright, I'll go back.  (TO LENNY) But you're gonna have to help me catch some more moths.

LENNY

Okay.  But why can't you collect something interesting, like horseflies?

SHIRLEY

Couldn't you fellows settle this on your way upstairs?

SQUIGGY

Yeah, we're going.

HE PICKS UP HIS DUFFLE BAG, STARTS TO LEAVE.

LAVERNE

(NOTICING CLARINET ON FLOOR) Don't leave without Ebb Tide.

SQUIGY

Yeah.  Well, thanks for everything, Shirley.  Let's do it again sometime.

The replacement dialogue and actions, including the "Stupid" makeup handshake, are generally an improvement.

The last little bit of the scene was left out:

LAVERNE

I guess they're basically harmless.  I mean, so what, they'll live upstairs.  It's not that bad.

PAUSE

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY

It's bad.

This ends the scene and the original tag is set in the girls' apartment, rather than the boys, during "day":

SHIRLEY IS WRAPPING A PRESENT.  IT HAS PRETTY PAPER, FRILLS AND RIBBONS.  LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.

LAVERNE

Whose birthday?

SHIRLEY

No one's.  We bought a homewarming present for Lenny and Squiggy.

LAVERNE

We?

SHIRLEY
It's too late, your name is already on the card.  Besides, it's the neighborly thing to do.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY BARGE IN.

SQUIGGY

Hello.  You girls got an extra mattress?

LAVERNE

No.

LENNY

Okay, thanks anyway.

THEY START TO EXIT.  LAVERNE PICKS UP THE PRESENT.

LAVERNE

Hold it.  We got a housewarming gift for you.

SQUIGGY TAKES IT.

SHIRLEY

I wrapped it.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY VICIOUSLY RIP OFF WRAPPING OFF PACKAGE.  IT'S A GLASS ORANGE SQUEEZER.

LENNY

Hey, an ashtray.

LAVERNE

It's an orange juicer.

LENNY

Oh, that's really lovely.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  We got a present for you for helping us move.

LAVERNE

Yeah what?

SQUIGGY

This.

HE HANDS SHIRLEY THE JUICER.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Sorry we didn't get a chance to wrap it.

LENNY

It's the thought that counts.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

LAVERNE

Don't just stand there.  Make juice.

Thoughts:

• Squiggy is making a pun on George Fenneman and "effeminate."
• The dialogue in this version of Scene L isn't bad but it definitely needed the polishing and changing it got before it aired.
• And there is no question that the funny, shippy tag that was shot was an improvement over this pathetic O. Henry without the irony ending.  And they got Eddie Mekka on film, which doesn't seem to have been a concern for Michael, David, and Harry.
• While I like that this version of the episode has more for the girls to do, and some interesting character insights, there was obviously a lot to do before it could air.  Including, yes, dropping "the load."
• Oh, and why an extra mattress and does this have to do anything with hard sheets?

"Hi Neighbors," Scenes J and K

We're still at the girls' apartment, "Saturday (the next morning)," although it must be Sunday onscreen because Laverne said it was Saturday last night.  They left this out after Squiggy asks Laverne, "What's it to you?", about him cutting himself shaving:

LAVERNE    

It wouldn't be anything to me, Squiggy, except you're cutting yourself in my bathroom.

SQUIGGY

Oh, you're gonna bring that up again?  I thought we settled this last night?

Squiggy tucking in the tablecloth was added.  Laverne is the one to answer the phone when Squiggy's mother calls, but onscreen she's more desperate to go to the bathroom and has exited by that point.  They unfortunately omitted Squiggy saying, "I'm just like my father, huh?"

Laverne's line about Squiggy leaving a ring around the mirror was added. They left out Shirley planning to tell Squiggy he has to leave "once he's got a good hot meatball omelet under his belt."

Onscreen, Shirley knows immediately who has to talk to Lenny, but here's the last page of this scene in the script:

SHIRLEY

...I'm gonna go up and just talk sense to him.

SQUIGGY

(BREAKING UP) Are you kidding?  He blames you and your big mouth for breaking up our friendship.

LAVERNE

I feel like an idiot.

SHIRLEY

Why?

LAVERNE

Because I agree with Lenny.

SHIRLEY

Blaming me is not going to help.  We have to talk to Lenny.

LAVERNE

Well, if he won't talk to you, I guess I'll have to talk to him.  (SHUDDERS)

SHIRLEY

Okay.  You work on Lenny... I'll work on Squiggy.

SQUIGGY

If he says no, bring down my playmate calendars.

LAVERNE EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR.

The setting of the next scene is "Lenny's apartment," like it's already no longer Squiggy's place.  The first four pages are remarkably faithful, except the great bit with Laverne stroking Lenny's hair and not knowing what to do with the oil was added.  And then this was omitted:

LENNY

And he's such a cheapskate.  He wouldn't even chip in for the pimento loaf I bought for breakfast.

LAVERNE

Look, I'm not defending him, Lenny, I'm just trying to get him off my couch.

After Lenny says he was starting to talk like Squiggy, Laverne was supposed to say, "Look, I don't want to start talking like him."

The filmed version ends with Lenny saying that it's the sad truth that he has no other friends besides Squiggy, and the very last part of the scene was left out:

LENNY
...I guess I should give him a second chance.  Funny thing... I was just getting used to missing that stupid moron.

LAVERNE

Let's go, before I get all emotional.

Thoughts:

• "Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold."
• Shirley's meddling, and people's resentment of it, is definitely a bigger deal in the script.
• Also, Shirley continues to mother Squiggy more in the script, like agreeing to feed him a nourishing breakfast of meatball omelet to start his day.
• Laverne feels like an idiot for agreeing with Lenny, but she's the one here to realize first that she should talk to him.
• Yep, the boys definitely read Playboy by this point.
• The final exchange is cute, but I prefer the "sad truth" ending.

"Hi Neighbors," Scene H

Despite the commercial break/ act-change, this scene is set in the apartment, "the next moment":

LAVERNE, STILL GROGGY, CLOSES THE DOOR AS SQUIGGY ARRANGES HIS PILLOW ON THE COUCH.

LAVERNE

Squiggy, do you know what time it is?

SQUIGGY

(CHECKING HIS "WATCH" SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, it's half past a freckle, Eastern Elbow Time.

LAVERNE

Look, you can't sleep here.

SQUIGGY

Don't worry, Laverne, I'll be all right.

That was deleted and the scene begins with Laverne's line from the script about setting fire to "bachelor heaven."  Onscreen, they're both sitting on the couch and she has to get him to speak more quietly.  In the script, Squiggy instead says, "I wish.  I should have burned down that stupid bohunk."  And Laverne suggests, "Why don't you tell me what happened on your way OUT?"  Then Squiggy would lie down, which doesn't happen until a bit later onscreen.

In the script, Laverne says Squiggy "had references.  From a certain Shirley Feeney," while onscreen she less cattily says Lenny kicked him out.

Also in the script, Laverne yells, "Squiggy!  FIRE!  HURRICANE!  FREE BEER!"  Then Shirley says, "I think he's in dreamland, Laverne," which gets the reply, "I don't care if he's in Disneyland, Shirl, let's get him out of here.  Get his feet."

The filmed scene emphasizes the action of the girls trying to take Squiggy out of their apartment and sacrifices some dialogue:

SHIRLEY

He doesn't look that heavy.

LAVERNE

Well, here we are... just the three of us.  Just you and me and Baby Snooks.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, you can't blame me for --

LAVERNE

Oh, don't get me wrong, Shirl.  I think it'll be a great set-up.  I've always wanted a sleep-in maniac.

SHIRLEY

He's not necessarily a maniac...

LAVERNE

All I know is, if I had talked to Mrs. Havenwurst they never could've moved in.

SHIRLEY

And if I had answered the door just now, this wouldn't be on our couch.

SQUIGGY SNORES.

LAVERNE

And if you hadn't wiped gravy out of his ears, we never --

SHIRLEY

Laverne!  Why are we fighting?  We both agree on this: Squiggy has got to go.

SQUIGGY SNORES.

LAVERNE

I don't want to lift him anymore.

AS SHIRLEY SPEAKS, SHE BEGINS TUCKING SQUIGGY IN.

SHIRLEY (CON'TD)

We'll be firm.  He can't stay here anymore.

LAVERNE

What are you doing?

SHIRLEY

Just making sure he's comfy cozy.

LAVERNE

Why does he have to be comfy cozy in our house?

THEY START FOR THE BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

Well, he's a guest.

LAVERNE

A guest is someone you invite.

SHIRLEY

He's an unexpected guest.

THEY EXIT.

Thoughts:

• I feel like David wrote all or most of this scene, making Squiggy unpleasant from the get-go, with his sarcastic "watch" line.
• "Bohunk" is an ethnic slur against people from central or southeastern Europe.  I guess it's less offensive than "Polack," but it's still surprising to run into here.
• Shirley's "dreamland" line (and the "tot" line, which comes mid-scene but got moved to the end of the filmed scene) are deliberately quaint, which probably says something about how David and maybe Michael (and Harry?) saw Shirley.
• The boys moving in definitely leads to more arguments between the girls in the script than onscreen.
• In this script at least, Shirley has a higher opinion of Squiggy than Laverne does, since she thinks he's not necessarily a maniac.  This would change over time.
• She's also maternal with him, and the gravy in the ears is a nice callback.
• This scene is not drastically different than what got filmed, compared to the thing of the girls being in the Pizza Bowl scene, but again, the girls are given more to do in the written version.

"Hi Neighbors," Scenes C, D, and E

This time the handwritten list of characters is "Laverne, Shirly, Mrs. Havenwurst, Lenny, and Squiggy."  Yeah, they're getting closer.

We begin in the girls' apartment, "day," although Scene B was set at night:

AFTER A MOMENT, LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER, CLOSE THE DOOR AND START TO HANG UP THEIR COATS.

LAVERNE

So I took it back and said it was too big.  He says, "Why don't I buy you dinner and help you fill it out?"

SHIRLEY

That's gotta be the oldest line in the book.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  I'm meeting him tomorrow.

Onscreen, the girls are already home and Laverne talks about getting the Fudgicle stain out of her smock.  Shirley says they should avoid the boys at lunchtime.

Mrs. Havenwurst tells Shirley to pay the rent "on the fifteenth like everybody else."  And she apologizes for bothering them "this late," so I'm completely confused about the timeline here.  Since this Shirley knows (unlike the filmed version) who wants her to vouch for them, she says, "Oh.  Well... uh...."

After Lenny says they told Mrs. H "the part about you being our oldest friend in the world," Squiggy was supposed to add, "And the part about how if we can't rent this place, we'll have to spend the night in my stepfather's station wagon."

They omitted Shirley saying, "They're... definitely... outgoing," and Mrs. H replying, "Well, nobody likes a 'Johnny-sit-by-the-fire.' "

Despite the title, Lenny was supposed to tell Laverne, " 'Bye, neighbor," because he, Squiggy, and Mrs. H were exiting.  And Shirley originally said, "Wait a minute, Laverne, don't jump to any conclusions.  I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking that if I had minded my own business in the first place, they wouldn't be moving into our building.  And you're perfectly right.  But let me ask you one thing, Laverne.  (SUDDENLY VERY SOFT) Are you going to hurt me?"  Onscreen, Shirley says it's a comical story and escapes to the bathroom.

Scene D is set in Lenny and Squiggy's new apartment, "later that night."  They left out Laverne telling Shirley, "We're gonna be late for the movies," as well as her saying, "Four hours ago you were apologizing for getting them into this building.  Why are you doing this?"  Then the part about Squiggy's stepfather dropping his stuff off came next, with the hot water bottle stuff later.  They added Shirley asking if Laverne is still mad at her.

Laverne noticing the bunk beds was added.  Her saying that it's Saturday night was also an addition by filming.  On the other hand, they left out Shirley promising, "From now on we'll stay out of their personal lives."

The teddy bear was not in the script, but the "stuffed iguana" was.  Onscreen, Laverne guesses it's a skinny pig, but here's how the scene ends in the script:

THE GIRLS START OUT.

SHIRLEY

Who do you think it belongs to, Lenny or Squiggy?

LAVERNE

I don't know.  It looks more like Squiggy.

THEY EXIT.

Scene E takes us back to the girls' apartment, "three o'clock following morning."  Laverne saying that Squiggy is a nightmare was added.  Otherwise, the scene is very alike in the two versions, and it closes out Act One.

Thoughts:

• I have never before heard the oldest line in the book.  Or "Johnny-sit-by-the-fire."
• What exactly did Laverne buy and try to return?
• Why would Squiggy's stepfather let them sleep in his station wagon?  Or are they planning to break into the car?
• Laverne being annoyed with Shirley meddling is definitely a bigger thing in the script.
• I like the idea of Laverne thinking the iguana looks more like Squiggy.  It's clear in both versions that she likes Lenny more than she likes Squiggy.

"Hi Neighbors," Scene B

Notice that they say "Phil Foster," rather than "Frank."  I can't quite read the name underneath "ATMOS," but I want to say it's closest to producer "Thomas L. Miller," like maybe "Tom Miller."  (I know it looks more like "Tony," but it doesn't look quite right for "Tony Marshall.")

We go to the Pizza Bowl, "another night."  Lenny asking Mr. DeFazio for the afternoon paper was added.  After Frank's "What is this, a Christian Science Reading Room," this was omitted:

SQUIGGY

Hey, this is a public place.

LENNY

Yeah, if you don't want people reading in your restaurant, don't put in lights.

FRANK

(NOTICING THE CLASSIFIED ADS) Ah, I get it.  Job hunting, huh?  I heard about your little accident on the turnpike.

SQUIGGY

They didn't fire me.  Lenny and me are looking for a bachelor pad.

LENNY

Yeah, someplace with a round bedroom.

Onscreen, Lenny just says they're looking for an apartment to share.  After Frank asks them to order something, there was this:

SQUIGGY

Okay, okay.  Two glasses of water.

FRANK

(HEADING TOWARDS REAR) They had guys like you in the army.  That's why I joined the navy.

HE EXITS.

LENNY

What's eatin' him?

SQUIGGY

(FINDING SOMETHING IN THE PAPER) Ah, this is it.  Listen to this.  Two bedrooms, two baths, fourteen foot ceilings, old world elegance, formal dining room, sundeck, decorator's dream.  One hundred thirty-nine thousand five hundred dollars.

LENNY

I ain't payin' that every month.

SQUIGGY

Ahh, there's plenty of other places.

Onscreen Lenny asks for the admittedly funnier two menus.

The last three pages of the scene were dropped, after the "frpl" exchange:

THEY BECOME ABSORBED IN THE PAPER.  A BEAT LATER, LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER FROM BOWLING ALLEY, SHIRLEY CARRYING SCORESHEET.

SHIRLEY

I'm telling you, Laverne, you added wrong.  Eight and seven are fifteen.

LAVERNE

Okay, Shirl, so you bowled a sixty-eight.  I still bowled a 183.  Any way you look at it, you came in a close last.

THEY SIT DOWN AT A TABLE ADJACENT TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY.

SHIRLEY

I don't notice you gloating on the miniature golf course.

LAVERNE

I'm afraid of windmills.

SQUIGGY

(DISCOVERING THE RIGHT AD) This is it.  It's perfect.  Gimme that paper.  (HE GETS UP AND GOES TO PHONE)

LAVERNE

(NOTICING LENNY AT NEXT TABLE) Oh, hi, Lenny.

LENNY

(ANSWERING AN UNASKED QUESTION) Well, Squiggy called his mother a dope, his stepfather punched him in the stomach, he took all his stuff and came over to my place, my brother-in-law tried to throw him out, I punched my brother-in-law in the stomach, he threw me out, and now we're looking for a bachelor pad with a round bedroom.

LAVERNE

I'm fine.

SHIRLEY

So you're gonna be roommates, huh?  Well, there's one thing I've learned from living with Vernie...

LAVERNE

(SOTTO) You tell him that, I'll kill you.

SHIRLEY

Shush, Laverne.  Living with another person is a game of give and take, an adventure of sharing, a world built on mutual respect.

SQUIGGY

(YELLING FROM PHONE) Hey, stupid, write this down.  532 Knapp Street.  (INTO THE PHONE) Okay, we'll be right over.  (HE HANGS UP)  Come on.

LENNY

(GETTING UP) See you later.

THEY EXIT TO FRONT DOOR.  THE GIRLS SIT DUMBFOUNDED FOR A BEAT.

LAVERNE

Did he say 532 Knapp Street?

SHIRLEY

No, that's our building.

PAUSE.

LAVERNE

They're moving into our building.

SHIRLEY

I don't feel well.

LAVERNE

Oh, yeah, wait 'til they move in.

SHIRLEY

Hold it!  There's a way out.

LAVERNE

We're not moving.

SHIRLEY

Of course not.  But Mrs. Havenwurst isn't going to rent to them.  She'll take one look at Lenny and Squiggy and she'll koww [sic] they're not Knapp Street people.

LAVERNE

Yeah, they're not really her type.

FRANK APPROACHES THE NEWSPAPER-STREWN TABLE, CARRYING TWO GLASSES OF WATER.

FRANK

What happened to the playboys?  Couldn't wait for their water?

SHIRLEY

Oh, they went off on some wild goose chase.

FRANK

Well, what am I supposed to do with all these papers -- train a puppy?

Onscreen, the boys dash out but we don't yet know where, and it'll be a complete surprise to the girls.

Thoughts:

• Frank and the boys butt heads more in this version.
• I guess everyone has heard about Squiggy accidentally spilling his load.
• I think Lenny wanting a round bedroom is a play on the Playboy fantasy of a round bed.
• Again, what McKean, Lander, and Shearer wrote doesn't match later canon, here with Frank joining the Navy instead of the Army.
• The thing of the boys mistaking the houses for sale for apartments to rent is cute.
• It's interesting that some more material for Penny and Cindy was dropped.
• It is canonical that Shirley is a much worse bowler than Laverne.
• But a fear of windmills, really?
• Did it honestly take Laverne that long to notice Lenny at the adjacent table, or was she just waiting until she could talk to him without Squiggy right there?
• Lenny answering an unasked question with family drama and Laverne replying, "I'm fine," feels very in character for both.
• Well, now I want to know what Laverne is afraid Shirley will tell Lenny.  It's not the tap-dancing in the shower again, is it?
• 532 Knapp Street?  Well, they're getting closer.  (It was 532 Walnut in the "Dating Slump" script submitted four days earlier.)
• What exactly are Knapp Street people and why don't the boys fit that?  And I get the impression from the filmed version that Mrs. H is actually pretty easy-going.  (Edna probably would've been more dubious.)
• On the one hand, it's nice that the girls have something to do in this scene, and Frank has more to do, and on the other, it works better dramatically to get that "Hi Neighbors" reveal.

"Hi Neighbors," Scene A

The reprint I own for the twelfth episode of the series does not include a cover sheet or a cast list, but it does have this:

Going in clockwise order, this is "Rev.," which must mean either Revised Shooting Script or Revised Draft, I'm guessing the latter, since there are too many differences between this and what would air four weeks later.  The title of this version of the script has plural "Neighbors."  The "1-8" means the pages of Scene A.  Although it is faint, someone (I have no idea whose writing this is) wrote, "Laverne, Shirly, Lenny, Squggy," with those spellings.  They did a big A around the little A, something that was added for all of the scenes.  The word on the lower left is hard to decipher but is clearer on the first page of Scene B, where it is clearly "Atmos," as in "atmosphere."

As on the episode, we start in the Shotz Brewery Break Room," at "lunchtime - day."  The girls were supposed to "enter arguing," but onscreen they're already seated and eating.  The initial dialogue is mostly unchanged, but in the script nothing "bothers" Laverne, rather than the funnier "irks."  And here's how the Hello Entrance originally looked:

LENNY ENTERS.

LENNY

Hi, girls.

LAVERNE PUTS DOWN HER SANDWICH IN DISGUST.

SHIRLEY

Hi, Lenny.

LENNY

Don't talk to me.  I'm in a bad mood.

THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHRUG, THEN GO BACK TO EATING.

LENNY (CONT'D)

Ain't you gonna ask me what happened?

LAVERNE

You said not to talk to you.

LENNY

I was just thinking out loud.  That's how teed off I am.  Boy!  So what's new with you girls?

SHIRLEY

Wait a minute.  What happened?

LENNY

Oh, you heard. I couldn't believe it.  I was driving a delivery down to Watertown, making real good time on the pike, when suddenly, just like a monster picture, there's this huge blob of foam and it's coming at me on the highway.  Before I know it, I'm fighting for my life, dodging all these beer kegs.

LAVERNE

You mean somebody spilled their load?

LENNY

That's one way of putting it.  Boy, I'd like to get my hands on the baboon who pulled that stunt.

SQUIGGY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR.

SQUIGGY

Don't talk to me.

SHIRLEY

Don't tell me you got caught in the beer spill, too.

SQUIGGY

Caught in it, I started it.

LAVERNE

Let's get out of here, Shirl, unless you want Squiggy's blood on your smock.

LENNY

I ain't gonna hit him.  I didn't know it was my best friend who almost killed me.

SHIRLEY

How'd you manage to spill all that beer, Squiggy?

SQUIGGY

It wasn't easy.  First I had to forget to lock the trailer door, then I had to overload the truck and to top things off, I had to drive up a hill.  All that work for nothing.

SQUIGGY GOES OVER TO A MACHINE DEJECTEDLY.

Onscreen, the boys enter together (Lenny saying, "Hi, Laverne," and Squiggy saying hello), and Squiggy is the only cranky one.

The 9000 cantaloupes in the script were reduced to 6000, I guess because that's more plausible.

After Squiggy complains about his mother, there was this:

LAVERNE

Yeah, my father's the same way, he's always butting into my life, always coming over.  He calls me at three A.M. to see if I'm home.

SHIRLEY

Well, sometimes I wish I lived in the same city with my parents.

LENNY

(BREAKING UP) He ain't just living in the same city with his mother, he's living in her apartment.

The girls' lines were omitted, and Lenny onscreen asks how Squiggy's mother can get out of his life if Squiggy won't get out of her apartment.  The girls mocking Squiggy, and Lenny laughing at him again, were added.

In the script, Mrs. Squiggman made her son "serve snacks at her mah-jongg party," which became his stepfather's poker party onscreen.

Also in the script, Squiggy says that getting his own place would "cut into his Chiclets money."  So when Shirley suggests the boys get a place together, Laverne says, "Or share your Chiclets."

Originally, Squiggy was being docked $40 a week for the spilled beer, which became busted melons onscreen.

The scene ends after Lenny sticks his Fudgicle on Laverne's smock, telling her, "Here, hold that."  Here are the last couple pages of the earlier version of the scene, after Squiggy says he'll go live in a storm drain, and he and Lenny exit (minus the Fudgicle):

LAVERNE

You know, Shirl, lunch with those guys is a real change of pace.

SHIRLEY

I didn't invite them.

LAVERNE

But you sure walked into their business.  What are you, Squiggy's den mother?

SHIRLEY

He might have grown up entirely differently if he'd had scouting experience, Laverne.  Besides, I just said what anyone would.

LAVERNE

Shirley, do you remember how we first met Lenny and Squiggy?

SHIRLEY

Not exactly.

LAVERNE

I remember.  Exactly.  It was in the high school cafeteria.  They got into a fight and Squiggy fell in my Salisbury steak.  The first time I saw him he he had gravy dripping from his hair.  I still get nightmares from it.

SHIRLEY

What point are you making?

LAVERNE

I was about to throw him off the table that day.  But you took him in the back and wiped off his jacket, cleaned out his ears, and they've been our companions ever since.  (FIRM) Let them help themselves.

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry.  I'm a naturally helpful person.

THEY GO BACK TO EATING.

LAVERNE

Could you get me the salt?

SHIRLEY

Get it yourself.

Thoughts:

• !!!!!
• Lenny at first acts like he's too mad to talk, but he's actually eager to, um, spill.
• If Michael McKean did not write that outrageous line for Laverne, and Lenny's reply, I will be terribly disappointed.
• I mean, the "monster picture"/ "blob" part is a dead giveaway, as is his later comparing Mrs. Squiggman to Godzilla, which did make it onscreen.
• So then we get the actual Hello Cue for Squiggy, with "baboon," except Squiggy doesn't say hello.  He also doesn't want to be talked to but is eager to vent.
• I furthermore think MMK wrote the very Lenny line, "I ain't gonna hit him.  I didn't know it was my best friend who almost killed me."
• It's kind of sweet that Michael and David (and Harry) wrote a bit about the girls' take on their own parents, although this didn't make the cut.  We would later see Frank actually coming over (disguised as a burglar) in canon on the episode where the girls flashback to moving into their apartment.  As for him calling at three a.m., we'd see this, too, in the episode where Frank and Edna are calling Milwaukee from Burbank, at the beginning of Season Six.
• And, awww, poor Shirley, missing her parents!
• I wish they'd been able to keep at least some of the girls' argument about Shirley getting in the boys' business, because it sets up her meddling later, and it feels in character for both girls.
• Also, the scouting observation is pretty funny coming from someone who got kicked out of the Brownies.  But, yes, Shirley as den mother of her friends is very canonical.  (As is Laverne in that role, in a different form.)
• Except for the girls meeting the boys far later than canon or fanon assumes, I get a kick out of that origin story of the companionship.
• Shirley's rude end line is also oddly in character, at least for those times that Shirley is surprisingly insensitive to Laverne's needs.

"Fakeout at the Stakeout," Scenes C, D, and E

We're still at the girls' apartment, but "1/2 hour later - night."  Officer Norman Hughes was supposed to be sitting on the couch with the girls, but I think it works better for him to be standing at first, until he's charmed by Laverne's sense of humor.  By the way, Laverne's joke about the Milwaukee Masher beating up potatoes was added.

Poor Officer Morris got axed from this scene.  He was supposed to "come back in" and say, "Got all the fingerprints.  You girls have a nice place here -- and a good selection of magazines in the bathroom."  And he didn't get to say, "Goodnight."  But this allows Laverne to say goodbye to Norman individually after she volunteers to be "Tess Trueheart," and then Norman makes his remark that the police station will have men dressed like him.

Scene C closes out Act One, and Scene D of course opens Act Two.  We still haven't left the girls' apartment, but now it's "the next night."  Laverne looking at Carmine's fillings with the binoculars was added.

In the script, Shirley says, "Tommyrot," rather than "That's a bunch of bunk," about Laverne's claim that she wants to be a good citizen.  Another change in the script is that Lenny originally said they were "dusting for prints" outside, rather than questioning dogs.  And the final lines of the scene go like this:

SQUIGGY

Come here, Prince.  (WHISTLES)

SHIRLEY

(PUTTING ON COAT) She can't do it without me... and I hate her charm bracelet.

Onscreen, Shirley has the excuse of taking Laverne the binoculars.

The final scene, E, takes us to Pfister Memorial Park, at "midnight."  They omitted this after the girls sing, "In the Still of the Night":

SHIRLEY

...I can't believe this.  I can't believe I'm shoo dooping in the midst of danger.

LAVERNE

Stop being so nervous.  We're just two normal girls relaxing in the park.

For some reason, they changed Norman's middle name from Leo to Martin, and Herbie the baseball nut to Bennie. In the script, Shirley says, "Aha.  Now the waters of my mind part and I see clearly," rather than saying "tommyrot" here.

In the script, Morris says, "Boy.  You send a girl out to do a girl's job...," while onscreen he has a line about getting a free hot dog.

They left out Shirley saying that the scarf the Masher is wearing was a Christmas gift, and then Laverne cutting her off with "What are you talking about?  The man has an 'L' on his chest!"  The Masher's exit line about not being "used to these heels" was added.

In the script, Norman invites Laverne to "the fights" rather than the FBI fingerprint lecture, so Laverne says (I think implausibly), "No, I don't like the fights."

The tag with the girls scaring off the boys with their new burglar alarm was added at some point before filming.

Other than that, this script isn't drastically from what we'd see onscreen, although, yeah, the comfort-hug would've been interesting.

"Fakeout at the Stakeout," Scenes A and B

On March 25, 1976, a few days before "Dating Slump" aired, and less than three weeks before "Fakeout at the Stakeout" aired, the "FatS" shooting script was submitted, another sign of how close they were cutting things in Season One.  Let's see how good to go they were at that point.

Act One and Scene A open in the girls' apartment, "evening - night," which is a little confusing, but OK.

They added Laverne asking if Shirley loaned her poodle skirt to Terry Buttafucco, and Shirley's reply that she doesn't loan it out.  

The next part, I guess Scene A2, is in the bedroom, with "continuous action."  Note that it's spelled "boo-boo kitty" in this first mention.  And in the script Laverne is the only one who screams into the phone.

Scene B is also in the girls' apartment, "a very short time later - night."  This was omitted after Laverne wonders how many people got robbed tonight:

SHIRLEY

We'll take matters into our own hands.  Help me build a barricade.

LAVERNE STARTS TO GET THE BIRDS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

No, no.  Not with the birds.

And we lost this after Squiggy tells the girls not to get hysterical:

THEY EACH EMBRACE ONE OF THE GIRLS.

LAVERNE

Squiggy...

SQUIGGY

Shut up, you're hysterical.

LENNY

(HUGGING LAVERNE) And we're comforting you.

SHIRLEY

We're not hysterical.  You let go of me right now!

THEY DISENGAGE.

SQUIGGY

Okay, you're not yourself.  That's why we're here.

LENNY

Yeah, we've seen crime from both sides of the barrels.

SQUIGGY

And this robbery ain't gonna fool nobody.  'Specially the coppers.

LENNY

If they see a robbery that looks fake, they'll throw you in prison.  The drawers have to be all pulled out.

HE MESSES UP THE CONTENTS OF THE DRAWERS.  SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE RUN OVER TO STOP HIM.  SQUIGGY GOES OVER TO THE CLOSET.

SQUIGGY

And the closet has to be open -- and stuff flying out.

SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE RUN OVER TO STOP HIM.

SHIRLEY

Stop it, Squiggy.  You're making me nervous.

SQUIGGY

(LAUGHS KNOWINGLY)  (TO LENNY) I told you danger gets them excited.

THE GIRLS PUSH THEM THROUGH THE DOOR.

Onscreen, there's no embrace and Laverne says her father is the one who's hysterical.  Then there's a cute cut to Frank on the phone to Aunt Josephine.

Note that it's spelled "Uncle Fungie," which is something I've been wondering about for months.  The last little bit of the scene was cut, after it's established that the girls would rather have burglars than Uncle Fungie's hair in the kitchen sink:

SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Hey, I just thought of something.  Do you know what this crook looks like?

LAVERNE

No.

SQUIGGY

(TO LAVERNE) That's our first clue.

THEY ALL EXIT.

Thoughts:

• I like getting the early canonical spelling on names.
• The birds appear onscreen but are not referred to.
• You knew which boy was going to hug which girl of course, and that the girls would react very differently.
• The boys making the robbery look more convincing is one of those things that would've been funny onscreen but would be annoying in real life.
• Other than maybe the embrace, no big surprises here.

"Dating Slump," Scenes 8 and 9

Both of these scenes are set at the girls' apartment, although Scene 8 is just "a few minutes later" than Scene 7:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER ON THE RUN.  THEY ARE OUT OF BREATH.  SHIRLEY CHECKS THE WINDOW.

SHIRLEY

Thank goodness, nobody followed us.

LAVERNE COLLAPSES ON COUCH; OUT OF BREATH.  SHIRLEY BRINGS LAVERNE A TOWEL TO WIPE HERSELF OFF.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Don't take this wrong.  I'm glad we didn't fight, but I never thought you would back down.  Thank you.

LAVERNE

I didn't back down.  I could've handled that bimbo easy.  I only left because I didn't want to see a shrimp like you take a bad beating.

SHIRLEY THROWS THE TOWEL AT LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

You know, it's cold in here.  I'm going to change.  Put on some tea.

LAVERNE

(JUMPS TO HER FEET) Oh no, Shirl, you're not getting back into that robe again.

SHIRLEY

Sure I am. I'm cold.

LAVERNE

(DESPERATE) I know this was a lousy date and it was all my fault, but all dates don't have to be like this.  Shirl, please.  You don't want to look like my mother.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, calm yourself.  I've made a decision, as we were running down the street.  I'm going to modify my standards.

LAVERNE

You're a corker.  What made you change your mind?

SHIRLEY

This evening was awful.  It was lousy, sickening, disgusting.

LAVERNE IS NODDING, WAITING FOR THE PAYOFF.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

And still it was better than the last four weeks.

LAVERNE

Then should I tell Moose yes, for tomorrow?

SHIRLEY STARES AT HER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

I was kidding.  And I'm glad you've admitted the truth to yourself.

SHIRLEY

You know, Laverne, when it comes to getting blind dates, you are the worst.

LAVERNE

Don't say that until my father gets you a date.

SHIRLEY

Look, you gave me the opportunity to find out for yourself.  Okay, I found out.   I have to push myself harder...  I think I'll go to that party with Stanley Bankoff.

LAVERNE

Stanley's nice.  (MUMBLES) I wouldn't go out with him.

SHIRLEY

What was that?

LAVERNE

It's just that I think I'm going to start raising my standards.  Maybe you're right.  I don't think I've been too choosy lately.

SHIRLEY

Good girl.  You're growing.

LAVERNE

(PAUSE) Does Stanley have a friend?  Tall?

SHIRLEY STARTS FOR THE BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

I don't know.

LAVERNE

(FOLLOWS HER) Well, ask.  It doesn't have to be anyone special.

SHIRLEY

What about your new standards?

LAVERNE

I'll start next week.

THEY EXIT.

This ends Act Two, but then there's the Tag, set during the "early evening."

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE SITTING ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.  CARMINE IS TELLING A STORY AND DEMONSTRATING.  THEY ARE BOTH LAUGHING.

CARMINE

So I'm trying to teach this fat lady how to dip so I lean back like this and she trips and before I know it, I'm trapped in the debris.  It took three guys to get her off me.

CARMINE DEMONSTRATES AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR.  HE STANDS UP AND LAVERNE OFFERS HIM A PIECE OF CANDY FROM THE BOX.

LAVERNE

Here Carmine, have a cluster.

CARMINE LOOKS IN THE BOX.

CARMINE

They're all squashed.

LAVERNE

She likes them better that way.

CARMINE

No thanks.  I have to get over to the dance studio anyway.

CARMINE STARTS TO LEAVE.

Then Carmine's speech from the tag about wanting the girls to think of him as a brother came here.  This was omitted after Carmine says, "See you later, Angel Face," to Shirley:

SHIRLEY

Say hello to Rhonda.

LAVERNE

And don't fall under fat ladies.

Lenny and Squiggy returned after the girls agree that Carmine is sweet.  But after Laverne tells the boys the Jeep is theirs, this is how the scene and episode ended:

SQUIGGY AND LENNY JUMP FOR JOY.

LENNY

Let's go for a drive.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, you girls want to go for a ride with us?

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEN TOGETHER

LAVERNE                SHIRLEY

Sure, why not?          Sure, why not?

THEY ALL GO OUT THE DOOR.

Onscreen, Laverne says she's going to raise her standards and swear off men in uniform for a few days, "except sailors, I like sailors," which maybe is a callback to Billy from the first scene.

Thoughts:

• Boy, the girls really hauled ass from the pool hall, to get home in just a few minutes!
• Not to condone brawling, but I think the audience, especially the studio audience, needs the catharsis of our girls fighting the two tough girls.  It helps Shirley get out of her slump, too.
• Onscreen, Shirley says it was the best night of the past two weeks, not four.
• Shirley is one to talk about bad blind dates, considering some of the losers she has fixed up and will fix up Laverne with.  I mean, Alan Steckler?  Come on, Shirl!
• Poor Stanley Bankoff though.
• Shouldn't it be "Look, you gave me the opportunity to find out for myself"?
• Of course Laverne wants Stanley's friend to be tall.
• As in "Nun's Story," Laverne postpones reforming until "next week."
• I'm going to assume that Laverne and Shirley are not sitting on the same couch arm.
• That's OK, Arthur Silver, we can leave out Carmine's unfunny, fat-shaming anecdote.
• On the other hand, it's nice that Shirley in the script does make an honest effort to befriend Rhonda, although we never hear of her again of course.
• I like that sweet, surreal ending where the Core Four are going for a ride in the nonexistent Jeep.
• This is another script where the filmed version is arguably better but some nice stuff was lost along the way.

"Dating Slump," Scenes 6 and 7

We're at the apartment again, the living room, "day."  

The address is given as "532 Walnut, Apartment C," which we know would change.  Victor is described as "a cute guy."  There are no flowers in the script.  This was left out after Shirley asks Laverne why Victor thinks they have a Jeep:

TWO MORE GUYS COME TO THE DOOR.  THEY KNOCK ON THE OPEN DOOR.

LAVERNE

Talk to them, Victor.

ANGLE ON LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY AS THEY CROSS TO KITCHEN.

And then after Laverne thanks Shirley for calling her amazing, "A WAC knocks on the door," so Laverne remarks, "Three out of four isn't bad."  And Laverne has to tell "the crowd," "I'm sorry, guys and WAC, but we sold the jeep this morning."

Shirley gets angrier at Victor onscreen than in the script, but nonetheless Laverne tells her, "Calm down.  You do look bad.  Now go fix yourself up before the next guy gets here."

Instead of the "termites" cue, in the script Shirley says, "I'll tell you what.  I'll take an oath.  I, Shirley Feeney, will happily go out with the next man that comes through that door."  So when Squiggy enters "two beats" ahead of Lenny, Shirley says the oath is off.

In the script, Shirley exits before Squiggy says they're there to buy the Jeep.  Also, Squiggy originally said they wouldn't pay a penny, rather than a nickel, before the test drive.  But then, after Laverne closes the door on the boys, "Shirley looks around corner" and says, "You should've sold it to them," rather than Laverne making a similar remark to Shirley as onscreen.

The next scene is a pool hall, at night:

IT IS A SLEAZY PLACE.  PLAYING AT ONE TABLE IS A MOUSY-LOOKING HOOD TYPE WITH CIGARETTES IN HIS SHIRT SLEEVE.  HIS NAME IS BUTCH.  LAVERNE ENTERS WITH HER DATE, TOM.  TOM IS A REASONABLY NORMAL LOOKING GUY.  LAVERNE DOES NOT LIKE THIS PLACE.

Tom being a bus driver was, as I mentioned before, not in the script as yet.  Moose was supposed to have a crewcut.

This was omitted:

SHIRLEY

Laverne, what have I ever done to you?

LAVERNE

I'm sorry.  I thought Tom was a sensible guy.

TOM

Anything wrong, girls?

LAVERNE

(POLITE) Tom, what made you decide that Moose and Shirley would hit it off?

TOM

You mean, you're not having a good time?

SHIRLEY GLARES AT TOM.

LAVERNE

(LOOKING AT SHIRLEY, THEN BACK TO TOM) That's not her whoopee face.

SHIRLEY

Why did you think we'd hit it off, kind sir?

TOM

I didn't....

And then Tom explains, as he does onscreen, his deal with Moose and blind dates, making Laverne remark to Shirley in the script, "I told you Tom was sensible."

Butch's friend Ivan is described as "a person as large as Moose," while the two girls accompanying them "are low-grade bimbos" who "look very tough."

Raunchy Girl "A" was supposed to say, "A swing-out always gives me an appetite," and then Shirley would reply, "Really, I don't like to eat this late.  I get nightmares."

Laverne's famous line was originally, "Touch my 'L' honey and your teeth go to Peoria," although "honey" would become "sweetie" by the time of filming.

The scene used to end with Laverne and Shirley locking the door and running out.  As for what happened next, we'll talk about that next time.

Thoughts:

• I sort of like the thing of more people coming to the door, although I can see why they just focused on Victor.
• Tom in the script cares more about what the girls think than he does onscreen, although he still fixes Shirley up with someone who makes her black and blue.
• Compared to earlier scenes in the script, these two aren't drastically different than what we got onscreen, although there was definitely tweaking and polishing to be done.

"Dating Slump," Scenes 4 and 5

We're in the girls' bedroom again, but it's "early evening - weeks later":

LAVERNE IS FINISHING PUTTING ON MAKEUP BY A MIRROR.  SHE IS GETTING READY FOR A DATE.  SHIRLEY'S BED IS COVERED WITH TISSUES.  THERE ARE OPEN BOOKS ON IT AND GLASSES ALL AROUND.  THE PEDESTAL WITH THE CLAY IN A LUMP IS NEARBY.  THERE IS AN EMPTY CARTON OF ICE CREAM.  THE TV IS AT THE FOOT OF SHIRLEY'S BED.

LAVERNE

(CALLING OUT) Hey Shirl, why don't you go to the Pizza Bowl tonight?

SHIRL TRUMPS IN WITH A CUP OF TEA IN HER HAND.  SHE IS IN PAJAMAS AND A ROBE AND LOOKS LIKE SHE GAVE UP GROOMING HERSELF YEARS AGO.  THERE IS A BOX OF CANDY ON THE BED AND SHIRLEY SQUEEZES EACH BEFORE SHE EATS THEM.

SHIRLEY

I'm too tired, and anyway it's too cold outside.

LAVERNE

(PICKING UP CARTON OF ICE CREAM) You're only cold because you just ate a gallon of ice cream.

SHIRLEY IS BACK IN BED SURROUNDED BY HER THINGS.  SHE PUTS A COUPLE OF STUFFED ANIMALS ON HER BED.

SHIRLEY

Did I really do that?  (LOOKS AT CARTON)  I did.  Oh my stomach.  (HANDS LAVERNE A CANDY)  Want a nougat?

LAVERNE

Another weekend of this?  It's been a month.  You're letting yourself go.  Your eyebrows are growing in.

SHIRLEY

I'm run down.  I'm not well.

THE PHONE RINGS.  THERE IS A PHONE IN THE BEDROOM.  LAVERNE LOOKS TO SHIRLEY TO ANSWER IT BUT SHIRLEY DOESN'T MOVE.  LAVERNE PICKS IT UP.

LAVERNE

Hello...  Yeah, hang on...  (TO SHIRLEY) It's Stanley Bankoff.

SHIRLEY

Tell him I'm too busy to talk.

LAVERNE

(TO PHONE) She'll be right on.

LAVERNE STICKS PHONE IN SHIRLEY'S HAND.  SHIRLEY TAKES PHONE AND COVERS MOUTHPIECE.

SHIRLEY

Why did you do that?  You know I don't want to talk to anyone.  (SWEETLY) Hello, Stanley.  How sweet of you to call...  I'm afraid I can't...  See you at work.

SHIRLEY HANGS UP.  LAVERNE IS STARING AT HER.

LAVERNE

He asked you out, didn't he?

SHIRLEY

Well, he mentioned something about a party.

LAVERNE

Why aren't you going?

SHIRLEY

Because I don't want to be Mrs. Stanley Bankoff.

LAVERNE

It's a party, not a wedding.

SHIRLEY

I do not go out with men with whom I see no future.

LAVERNE

Shirl, you're in a slump.  Listen, I understand, I sympathize, but a dating slump is something you've got to fight.  You either take a so-so date, or you'll sink lower and lower.  (PULLS AT SHIRLEY) Come on, kid, snap out of it.

SHIRLEY

I will, I will.  (LAVERNE LETS GO)  Soon.  Mmmmm, good, a caramel.

LAVERNE

Look, don't just lie there.  Do something.  Play with your clay.  Throw out your tissues.  A little grooming.

WITH EACH CHIDE SHIRLEY GETS LOWER.

SHIRLEY

I'm growing very weary.

LAVERNE

Let me get you a date.  Tom's a nice guy.  I'm sure his friends are really nice.

SHIRLEY

I don't feel like it.

LAVERNE

Suit yourself.  I'll see you later.

LAVERNE STARTS TO LEAVE.  SHIRLEY FOLLOWS IN SLOW MOTION.

SHIRLEY

Wait, I'll chain the door after you leave.

LAVERNE

Then I'll be locked out.

SHIRLEY

I'll open it when you get home.

LAVERNE

You mean like last night.  When you said (MIMICS SHIRLEY) "Who is it?", I had to stand outside the door for twenty minutes identifying myself.

SHIRLEY

Well, you didn't remember my mother's maiden name.

THEY EXIT.

The next scene is set in the living room, "with continuous action":

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WALK TO DOOR STILL BICKERING.

LAVERNE

Shirl, have you looked at yourself lately?  I mean, how would you feel if someone saw you looking like that?

SHIRLEY

It wouldn't bother me.  I am what I am.

LAVERNE OPENS THE DOOR AND CARMINE IS STANDING THERE ABOUT TO KNOCK.  CARMINE IS SHOCKED.

CARMINE

Shirley, what happened to you?

SHIRLEY SAGS INTO LAVERNE'S ARMS FOR A SECOND, THEN BACKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

SHIRLEY

I've been sick.  I didn't want anyone to know.  I'm very weak.  Laverne will tell you about it.  I have to get into bed right away.  My knees are shaky.  I'm sinking.

SHE EXITS.

CARMINE

What happened?

LAVERNE

That's her way of saying accept me for what I am.

CARMINE

What have you been doing to her?

LAVERNE

Nothing.

CARMINE

It's my fault, isn't it?

LAVERNE

It's nobody's fault, but her own.  Her and her stupid standards.

CARMINE

Boy, what a shock.

LAVERNE

Where have you been lately?  Working hard?

CARMINE

Yeah, but I like it.  I get to dance all night.  (STARTS TO CHA CHA AND SINGS) "It's cherry pink and apple blossom white."

LAVERNE

Calm down, Carmine.

CARMINE STOPS.

CARMINE

I love my work.

LAVERNE

I gotta run.

CARMINE

Wait.  Aren't you gonna do something to help Shirley?

LAVERNE

There's nothing I can do.

LAVERNE STARTS OUT.

SHIRLEY (O.S.)

(WHINING) Laverne.  Can you come in and change the channel for me?

LAVERNE HEADS FOR THE BEDROOM.

LAVERNE

(TO CARMINE) You're right, Carmine.  I gotta do something.

CARMINE

Like what?

LAVERNE

I don't know.  But I promise you...  by next week, that girl will be up and around.

LAVERNE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM.

CARMINE

(CALLS AFTER HER) You ought to get her to go dancing.  (CHA CHA'S OUT THE DOOR)  "It's cherry pink and apple blossom white."

And that wraps up Act One.  Just about the only thing from these two scenes that made it onscreen was Carmine's song snippet.

Thoughts:

• This Shirley is much more pathetic than the one onscreen, to the point that she seems to need serious psychiatric help.  It's not just that she's not dating.  She's not taking care of herself and seems to be very low energy, like she's gone into a depression.  She's not even pursuing her latest hobby.
• This is such a contrast with "Did She or Didn't She?", where Shirley was so proud of her grooming, including her eyebrows.
• I don't think we find out anything further about Stanley Bankoff.
• Onscreen, Laverne will have met Tom recently, when he was driving the bus she was on.
• I'm amused by Laverne having to give a password to get back in, although now I want to know what Barb's maiden name is.
• The onscreen Shirley is spared the humiliation of Carmine seeing her decline.
• At least we know that Carmine is happy with his career change.