LAVERNE IS FINISHING PUTTING ON MAKEUP BY A MIRROR. SHE IS GETTING READY FOR A DATE. SHIRLEY'S BED IS COVERED WITH TISSUES. THERE ARE OPEN BOOKS ON IT AND GLASSES ALL AROUND. THE PEDESTAL WITH THE CLAY IN A LUMP IS NEARBY. THERE IS AN EMPTY CARTON OF ICE CREAM. THE TV IS AT THE FOOT OF SHIRLEY'S BED.
LAVERNE
(CALLING OUT) Hey Shirl, why don't you go to the Pizza Bowl tonight?
SHIRL TRUMPS IN WITH A CUP OF TEA IN HER HAND. SHE IS IN PAJAMAS AND A ROBE AND LOOKS LIKE SHE GAVE UP GROOMING HERSELF YEARS AGO. THERE IS A BOX OF CANDY ON THE BED AND SHIRLEY SQUEEZES EACH BEFORE SHE EATS THEM.
SHIRLEY
I'm too tired, and anyway it's too cold outside.
LAVERNE
(PICKING UP CARTON OF ICE CREAM) You're only cold because you just ate a gallon of ice cream.
SHIRLEY IS BACK IN BED SURROUNDED BY HER THINGS. SHE PUTS A COUPLE OF STUFFED ANIMALS ON HER BED.
SHIRLEY
Did I really do that? (LOOKS AT CARTON) I did. Oh my stomach. (HANDS LAVERNE A CANDY) Want a nougat?
LAVERNE
Another weekend of this? It's been a month. You're letting yourself go. Your eyebrows are growing in.
SHIRLEY
I'm run down. I'm not well.
THE PHONE RINGS. THERE IS A PHONE IN THE BEDROOM. LAVERNE LOOKS TO SHIRLEY TO ANSWER IT BUT SHIRLEY DOESN'T MOVE. LAVERNE PICKS IT UP.
LAVERNE
Hello... Yeah, hang on... (TO SHIRLEY) It's Stanley Bankoff.
SHIRLEY
Tell him I'm too busy to talk.
LAVERNE
(TO PHONE) She'll be right on.
LAVERNE STICKS PHONE IN SHIRLEY'S HAND. SHIRLEY TAKES PHONE AND COVERS MOUTHPIECE.
SHIRLEY
Why did you do that? You know I don't want to talk to anyone. (SWEETLY) Hello, Stanley. How sweet of you to call... I'm afraid I can't... See you at work.
SHIRLEY HANGS UP. LAVERNE IS STARING AT HER.
LAVERNE
He asked you out, didn't he?
SHIRLEY
Well, he mentioned something about a party.
LAVERNE
Why aren't you going?
SHIRLEY
Because I don't want to be Mrs. Stanley Bankoff.
LAVERNE
It's a party, not a wedding.
SHIRLEY
I do not go out with men with whom I see no future.
LAVERNE
Shirl, you're in a slump. Listen, I understand, I sympathize, but a dating slump is something you've got to fight. You either take a so-so date, or you'll sink lower and lower. (PULLS AT SHIRLEY) Come on, kid, snap out of it.
SHIRLEY
I will, I will. (LAVERNE LETS GO) Soon. Mmmmm, good, a caramel.
LAVERNE
Look, don't just lie there. Do something. Play with your clay. Throw out your tissues. A little grooming.
WITH EACH CHIDE SHIRLEY GETS LOWER.
SHIRLEY
I'm growing very weary.
LAVERNE
Let me get you a date. Tom's a nice guy. I'm sure his friends are really nice.
SHIRLEY
I don't feel like it.
LAVERNE
Suit yourself. I'll see you later.
LAVERNE STARTS TO LEAVE. SHIRLEY FOLLOWS IN SLOW MOTION.
SHIRLEY
Wait, I'll chain the door after you leave.
LAVERNE
Then I'll be locked out.
SHIRLEY
I'll open it when you get home.
LAVERNE
You mean like last night. When you said (MIMICS SHIRLEY) "Who is it?", I had to stand outside the door for twenty minutes identifying myself.
SHIRLEY
Well, you didn't remember my mother's maiden name.
THEY EXIT.
The next scene is set in the living room, "with continuous action":
LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WALK TO DOOR STILL BICKERING.
LAVERNE
Shirl, have you looked at yourself lately? I mean, how would you feel if someone saw you looking like that?
SHIRLEY
It wouldn't bother me. I am what I am.
LAVERNE OPENS THE DOOR AND CARMINE IS STANDING THERE ABOUT TO KNOCK. CARMINE IS SHOCKED.
CARMINE
Shirley, what happened to you?
SHIRLEY SAGS INTO LAVERNE'S ARMS FOR A SECOND, THEN BACKS OUT OF THE ROOM.
SHIRLEY
I've been sick. I didn't want anyone to know. I'm very weak. Laverne will tell you about it. I have to get into bed right away. My knees are shaky. I'm sinking.
SHE EXITS.
CARMINE
What happened?
LAVERNE
That's her way of saying accept me for what I am.
CARMINE
What have you been doing to her?
LAVERNE
Nothing.
CARMINE
It's my fault, isn't it?
LAVERNE
It's nobody's fault, but her own. Her and her stupid standards.
CARMINE
Boy, what a shock.
LAVERNE
Where have you been lately? Working hard?
CARMINE
Yeah, but I like it. I get to dance all night. (STARTS TO CHA CHA AND SINGS) "It's cherry pink and apple blossom white."
LAVERNE
Calm down, Carmine.
CARMINE STOPS.
CARMINE
I love my work.
LAVERNE
I gotta run.
CARMINE
Wait. Aren't you gonna do something to help Shirley?
LAVERNE
There's nothing I can do.
LAVERNE STARTS OUT.
SHIRLEY (O.S.)
(WHINING) Laverne. Can you come in and change the channel for me?
LAVERNE HEADS FOR THE BEDROOM.
LAVERNE
(TO CARMINE) You're right, Carmine. I gotta do something.
CARMINE
Like what?
LAVERNE
LAVERNE
I don't know. But I promise you... by next week, that girl will be up and around.
LAVERNE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM.
CARMINE
(CALLS AFTER HER) You ought to get her to go dancing. (CHA CHA'S OUT THE DOOR) "It's cherry pink and apple blossom white."
And that wraps up Act One. Just about the only thing from these two scenes that made it onscreen was Carmine's song snippet.
Thoughts:
- This Shirley is much more pathetic than the one onscreen, to the point that she seems to need serious psychiatric help. It's not just that she's not dating. She's not taking care of herself and seems to be very low energy, like she's gone into a depression. She's not even pursuing her latest hobby.
- This is such a contrast with "Did She or Didn't She?", where Shirley was so proud of her grooming, including her eyebrows.
- I don't think we find out anything further about Stanley Bankoff.
- Onscreen, Laverne will have met Tom recently, when he was driving the bus she was on.
- I'm amused by Laverne having to give a password to get back in, although now I want to know what Barb's maiden name is.
- The onscreen Shirley is spared the humiliation of Carmine seeing her decline.
- At least we know that Carmine is happy with his career change.
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