"An Affair to Forget," Scenes E and H

We return to the "girls' apartment - later that night":

LAVERNE ENTERS, WET BUT NOT DRIPPING.

LAVERNE

Thanks for the hitch.

SHE CROSSES TO TABLE AND PUTS DOWN HER PURSE, AND LOOKS FOR A PAPER TOWEL TO BLOT HERSELF WITH.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Oh, boy, what a night.

LAVERNE STARTS TO DRY OFF.  SHE NOTICES HER PURSE MOVING. SHE LOOKS IN AND REACTS TO A LOBSTER INSIDE.  SHE CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND PUTS IT IN THE SINK.  SHE TURNS THE WATER ON.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

What do I feed you?  (OPENS REFRIGERATOR) You like half and half or cheddar?

That was all dropped.

In the script, Laverne asked Carmine, "You got any lobster food with you?", which was replaced by her asking about Koufax's shutout.

They skipped Laverne saying, "Look, what if I got real suspicious after I saw 'Psycho' and never took a shower again.  Then nobody would go out with me," and Carmine replying, "You could always clean off in a fish tank every third or fourth date."  They also omitted Laverne quoting Mr. Penza the grocery-store-owner, " 'Hey, are you stealin' a watermelon or are you just fat?' "

The tag has the same setting, but the "next day."  For some reason, Boyle Heights was changed to the  Watts Towers.  Carmine and Shirley making out on the couch was described as them "getting comfy."  Someone, I want to think Mekka, added Carmine's line "I love it when you call me Pookie Bear."

The last bit of the scene, after Frank drags Carmine out, didn't make it to air:

SHIRLEY PICKS UP BOO BOO KITTY AND HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN TO GET WATER.

SHIRLEY

(TO BOO BOO KITTY) Do you know what's going on around here?  Of course not.  You were with me all weekend.  (AT SINK) Well, at least Laverne kept the kitchen tidy.  I'm proud of her (CRIES OUT)... there's a lobster in the sink!

And so ends the episode.

Thoughts:

• It's unclear whom Laverne hitched a ride with.  I want to think it was Blackbeard the waiter.
• Lobster!  Of course I wonder if Shirley wanted to take it to the ocean, considering what happened offscreen in HNBk2.
• Another Psycho reference, for those keeping track.
• This is not the only California scene where Shirley turns to BBK as a sounding board.
• My copy of the script includes Rhonda's "Blue Moon" scene from "That's Entertainment," which was "to be shot 12/9/81," the date of this "Affair to Forget" script.  I won't go into detail on it, but the '40s style that is referred to but not described in my version of the TE script is here, with "swing-tempo high hat and cymbals," a "boogie-woogie piano," and even a bit of Rhonda's trumpet.
• Getting back to AtF, the flaws of the script mostly carried over to screen, and in the case of Lyle's cameo became worse.  I will say that Larry Breeding and Anjelica Huston (misspelled as "Angelica" on the cast list) do a lot more with their roles than these stereotypes deserve.  And I wish we found out more about Shirley being an aunt, or awnt.

"An Affair to Forget," Scenes C and D

INT. CAPTAIN KIDD'S - NIGHT

THIS IS A BASEMENT RESTAURANT.  LAVERNE AND HANK ARE SEATED AT A TABLE, STAGE LEFT.  THEY ARE SHARING A ROMANTIC TOAST, WITH THEIR ARMS INTERTWINED.  THE WAITER BRINGS THEM A FANCY TRAY OF APPETIZERS.

LAVERNE

Hey, look at that big clam.

A WAITER CROSSES TO THEM WITH A TRAY OF APPETIZERS.  HE IS DRESSED APPROPRIATELY.

WAITER

Ahoy, mates.  I'm your galley slave, Blackbeard.  Here be your hearty appetizers.  Enjoy them, Landlubbers.  I'm sorry.  Management forces me to say this.

They kept Laverne's clam line but Hank in the filmed version says he'd rather look at her and he gives her a big smooch.  Hank making out with Laverne as he feeds her is in the script, although the reaction shots of the shocked waiter were added.  They skipped him telling "Geraldine (Mrs. Hank)" when she asks about her husband, "Thar he blows.  Sorry, Management makes me say that."

This was omitted and replaced by a commercial break after Hank finds out that it's his wife who put her hands over his eyes:

HANK

Geraldine.

GERALDINE

You're cheating again.

HANK

Huh?

GERALDINE

Look at this food.  You went off your diet.

HANK

Ah, you caught me.

After they come back from commercial, the dialogue about the answering service appears.  This was also dropped:

HANK

I just have to call the bathroom.  I mean go to the phone.  I mean... You wait here.

HANKS HEADS FOR THE STAIRS.  LAVERNE HAS STOPPED AT THE TOP TO ADMIRE THE STATUE OF LADY.  SHE SEES A FISH STARING AT HER.

LAVERNE

(POSES LIKE STATUE) If I eat all that squid, will I look like her?

HANK, OF COURSE, PICKS THIS MOMENT TO TAP HER ON THE SHOULDER.  LAVERNE ALMOST LOSES HER BALANCE AND FALLS INTO THE FISH TANK, BUT REGAINS IT.

Act One ended with Hank pushing Laverne into the fish tank, but onscreen they just kept going to Scene D, with "continuous action."  The stage direction sarcastically says, "Hank, ever so gallant, splits and heads back to his wife."

We lost Laverne calling Hank a creep.  And this dialogue was omitted:

GERALDINE

Hank, what's wrong with you?  You're a nervous wreck.

HANK

What makes you say that?

HANK TAKES A QUICK DRINK OF A GLASS OF COCKTAIL SAUCE FROM THE TABLE.

GERALDINE

Because you just drank the cocktail sauce.

HANK

I'm sorry.  Did you want some?

Interestingly, in the script Laverne "accidently knocks Hank into the tank," but it's very clearly deliberate in the filmed version.

Thoughts:

• The thing about Blackbeard the Waiter is that when I watched this episode a couple years ago, I thought he was going to befriend Laverne but, no, he's just a guy who kind of hates his job.  And I respect that.  Somebody in this episode needs to do something relatable.
• I guess they didn't want Laverne to almost fall into the tank before Hank pushes her in, so they skipped the part about the statue.
• There's more dialogue between Hank and Geraldine than onscreen, but it's OK that it was trimmed.
• Although it would've been nice to have Laverne call Hank a creep to his face, I definitely think it's an improvement for her to mean to push him into the tank.

"An Affair to Forget," Scene B

We go to the "girls' apartment - the same night":

LAVERNE IS DRESSED, IRONING A HANKY.  SHE NOTICES A WRINKLE ON THE FRONT OF HER DRESS.  SHE STOPS IRONING THE HANKY.  SHE GOES TO FRONT OF IRONING BOARD, BENDS HER KNEES AND SLIPS THE FRONT OF HER DRESS OVER THE END OF THE BOARD.  SHE IRONS THE DRESS, STILL WEARING IT.

FRANK ENTERS.

FRANK

What a great dress for the Dodger game.

LAVERNE

I'm sorry I forgot to call you.  I can't go to the game.

FRANK

It starts in half an hour.  I already got the tickets.

LAVERNE

Sorry, Pop.  Something came up.  I met a wonderful guy at work.

FRANK

So did I, but I'm still going to the ballgame.

LAVERNE

I'm happy for you, but I'm still late.

SHE FINISHES IRONING.

FRANK

All right.  (BEAT)  Tell me about him.  Is he Italian?

LAVERNE

I don't know but he has his own construction business.

FRANK

He's Italian.

LAVERNE

He's cute, he's funny and he has an answering service.

FRANK

So do I.  It also folds my shorts.  I call it Edna.

LAVERNE

His just answers the phone.  Anyway, he's taking me to a fancy restaurant tonight.

That was all dropped and the scene starts with Laverne saying in voiceover that she can't go to the game because she has a date.  They also skipped Laverne randomly opening a beer bottle with her teeth.  And we lost Frank's line "I got a son named Pookie Bear?"

They omitted Frank asking Rhonda, "What about Drysdale?" and her replying, "I don't know him.  He must be married."  Rhonda was supposed to "play a 'wolf whistle' on the trumpet" when she meets Hank, but instead she makes hand gestures to Laverne signaling her approval.

The last page of the scene was left out:

CARMINE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

LAVERNE

(GESTURING) And this is Pookie Bear.  Pook, this is Hank Rosa.

CARMINE

(GIVES LAVERNE A LOOK) How you doin', Hank.

HANK

Hello, uh, Mr. Bear.  Please, call me Pookie.

LAVERNE

Don't you folks have a Dodgers game to get to?

RHONDA PLAYS THE TRUMPET, "TA TA TA TA TA TA DA."

CARMINE/FRANK

Charge!

THEY EXIT.

HANK

Nice place you got here.  How about staying home and sending out for Chinese?

LAVERNE

Does this look like a staying home dress?

HANK

You're right.  The lobsters await.

LAVERNE

Anyway, I'd like to see your house.  With a maid and all, it must be one heck of a place.

HANK

Yeah, we could do that sometime, but not this week.  The maid has houseguests.

THEY EXIT.

Thoughts:

• The part with Laverne ironing her dress would turn up as a blooper.
• Frank is much more interested in finding out about Laverne's date in the script than he is in the filmed version.  Ironically, the following season, he won't even care that the Larry Breeding character Laverne is dating (Mike) isn't Italian.  In any case, it is a cute father-daughter scene here.
• Yes, Edna gets name-checked.
• Laverne is in a hurry to get ready, so why would she be opening a beer bottle, especially with her teeth?  I wonder if that's left over from an earlier version of the script.
• Shirley's pet name for Carmine is a much bigger deal in the script than on air.
• Rhonda has dated married men without guilt, so why would she care about Don Drysdale's marital status?  (He was married from 1958 to 1982.)
• Her trumpet is a bigger deal in the script than what we'd see onscreen.
• It feels odd for Hank to ask Carmine to call him Pookie.  Maybe that was supposed to be a separate line for Carmine.
• Not only is Hank a lying adulterer but he's a cheapskate.
• He'll later say that he thought Laverne knew he was married, so I assume that he thinks she's in on the joke about the "maid's houseguests," but it actually further highlights her surprising naivete.

"An Affair to Forget," Scene A

On December 9, 1981, exactly two months before "An Affair to Forget" aired, its Revised Shooting Script was done.  Let's see what changed along the way.

We start in Bardwell's Customer Service Department - day":

SHIRLEY IS HAPPILY WRAPPING A GIFT FOR A BABY SHOWER, USING APPROPRIATE BABY-GIFT PAPER.  SHE IS LITERALLY POETRY IN MOTION, AS SHE MAKES A BALLET OF THE WRAPPING.

SHIRLEY

On goes the wrapping paper

You pull it neat and tight

You fold it here, you tape it there

And make it come out right.

Next you take some ribbon and you wrap it to and fro...

CARMINE ENTERS AS SHIRLEY IS TYING THE BOW KNOT.

CARMINE

(AGITATED) Shirl...

SHIRLEY TAKES HIS HAND IN RHYTHM AND PLANTS IT ON THE KNOT AND CONTINUES MAKING A BOW.

SHIRLEY

(IN RHYTHM) Carmine, put it there.

And voila!  We have a bow.

SHIRLEY STEPS BACK TO ADMIRE HER WORK FOR A SECOND AS CARMINE TRIES TO REMOVE HIS FINGER FROM THE KNOT.

CARMINE

I been waiting out there holding your luggage so long people think I'm a display.

SHIRLEY

Just one more magical moment, Carmine.

SHE ADDS TWO LITTLE BELLS TO THE GIFT AND HOLDS IT ALOFT.

SHIRLEY

Poetry in packaging.

That all got snipped and episode begins with Shirley saying the baby will love it.  Soon after, we lost the important line, "Imagine, my brother's going to be a father and I'm going to be an aunt.  (BEAT)  Or should I be an 'awnt'?"  In the episode as aired, we have no idea who the baby is.  They also skipped Shirley saying, after Laverne has told her the bus is leaving in five minutes, "One last paper stork and it's ready."  For some reason, the "bright blue teddy bear" became a blue elephant with a red beret.

Here's how Lyle's arrival and attack are described in the script:

LYLE NOWICKI, LAVERNE'S DATE FROM "YOUNG LUST", ENTERS BEHIND LAVERNE AND TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER.  LAVERNE TURNS AROUND AND LYLE KISSES HER.

Then after he says she got him the job because she wants him, he "starts stalking Laverne," and there's this:

LAVERNE

(MOVING AWAY FROM LYLE) Lyle, I got you the job because you were broke and desperate and begged.

LYLE

Admit it, Laverne, this thing is bigger than both of us.

LAVERNE

(LOOKING AT LYLE'S STOMACH) You can say that again.

LYLE

Laverne, why are you talking?  Why not just let it happen?

He does stalk her in the filmed version, but they dropped that dialogue.

I have to note that the man buying an inflatable turtle for his mother-in-law is named Harvey, even though there's no need for him to be named for the viewers/readers, but the guy Laverne dates for a few weeks in "Tar Pits" is only called "Man."

The other male customer is "Hank Rosa, an easy-going man in his mid-thirties."  (Larry Breeding was thirty-five.)  His kissing Laverne's hands after complimenting them was added, as was his tweaking her nose after he gives her his "mother's" perfume.

Thoughts:

• Does Shirley always go into a whole routine when she gift-wraps, or is it just because of the special recipient?
• Also, which of her four brothers has just become a father?  She was supposed to already have two nieces on "The Robot Lawsuit," back in Season Three, but maybe everyone has forgotten that by now.
• Was "Teenage Lust" known as "Young Lust" at some point or do the writers (Steve Granat and Mel Sherer) not even remember that?
• How did Lyle kissing Laverne end up with him lying on top of her on the gift-wrapping table?
• For that matter, why is Lyle even in this episode?  It's not like Lyle working there impacts the plot at all, and we'd never see him again.  He seemed kind of sweet in his previous episode and they had a cute although platonic connection.  Here he's just her fat friend who doesn't care about consent.
• The Hank stuff is pretty faithful, but maybe they made him more physically affectionate because of Breeding's chemistry (and offscreen involvement) with Penny M.

"The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show," Scenes E, H, and J

We're at the "Auditorium backstage (wings) - a little later."  They added Shirley mentioning Fat Jack and Elmo, who are referred to on other episodes.  In the script, both boys go warm up the audience, but onscreen it's only Squiggy.  His line when he returns is "Next year we're gonna frisk the crowd for vegetables," which became "I got a great idea.  Next year let's hold one of these shows without a audience."

Then we move onto the "stage - a couple of moments later":

FRANK WALKS OUT ON STAGE WITH THE DUMMY, HE GETS PELTED WITH AN APPLE.  HE PICKS IT UP AND THROWS IT BACK.

FRANK

There you go, lady, put it in your fat kid's mouth.

And then he goes into the intro that would air.  (The dummy has been converted into a lamp in this version as well as the filmed version, so I'm not sure how his act would've worked.)  The rest of the short scene is intact.

The tag has the same set, "later."  The mops were by the piano rather than the curtain, and the girls actually mopped up at the end, although they did get the roses from Mr. Shotz.

This script is much more suggestive than what aired, and the boys are somehow even more unsympathetic than they'd be onscreen, Lenny especially.  This was the Revised Final Draft and you can see some of the flaws that never got fixed in the final product, but there's some fun stuff here, too.

"The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show," Scene D

It's the "girls' apartment - night."  The beginning is similar, with Laverne smashing walnuts and pretending they're the boys' heads, but onscreen Shirley says she can't believe the talent show is going on and they're not in it, while in the script she says this, after Laverne's explanation about the walnuts:

SHIRLEY

Now, Laverne, I know the show is going on and we're not in it, but anger and bitterness is not going to help.  (BEAT) Give me that hammer.

SHIRLEY TAKES THE HAMMER, PUTS THREE NUTS IN A ROW AND SMASHES ONE RIGHT AFTER ANOTHER.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

And that's for the Von Mueller triplets.

This is how it goes in the script after Squiggy says they just stepped outside for fresh air:

SHIRLEY

What's all that stuff on your coat?

LENNY

This is a tomato, this is an egg, and this is gonna have to be sent out to the lab.  The first reports were not good.

LAVERNE SMILES AND SMASHES A WALNUT.

LENNY (CONT'D)

Ouch!

SQUIGGY

Everything's going great, see.  We're starrin' in the eighth number.  Suddenly, the jerks start chantin' "We want talent, we want talent"!

LENNY

So, of course, we did another number.

SQUIGGY

Then they started to get ugly.

Onscreen, Lenny instead starts confessing desperately to Laverne.  The last part of the scene onscreen has Laverne ignoring Shirley and directing the boys to carry their stuff, with Shirley joining at the last minute.  Here's how it goes in this script:

LAVERNE

I wanna do our number, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

I ought to make you get down on your knees and...

LAVERNE

Shirl, I enjoy seeing them suffer as much as the next guy, but we gotta get a move on.

SHIRLEY

It was just getting good.

LAVERNE

I know.  But there'll be other times.  I promise.

SQUIGGY

Let's go, we gotta get this show under the road.

Thoughts:

• I'm not sure which Shirley I prefer, the one who tries to be positive and then joins in on the nut-smashing, or the one who's pouty throughout.
• I definitely prefer the Lenny who throws himself on Laverne's mercy, although it might've been funny to get sort of a voodoo-doll effect out of her smashing a Lenny-walnut in front of him.
• Eight numbers!  That's gotta be at least forty minutes, right?  Frankly, I'm surprised at the Shotz audience's patience.
• I think the ending is smoother onscreen, but this Laverne is definitely right that there would be other chances for Shirley to chew the boys out.
• And Squiggy gets the closing line here.

"The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show," Scene C

The next act opens in the "Shotz Auditorium - day":

THERE'S A LADY STANDING OVER A GOLDFISH BOWL WITH A HOOP.  A LARGE GOLDFISH IS SWIMMING AROUND AND SHE IS TALKING TO IT.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE WATCHING, WEARING BATHROBES WITH TOWELS AROUND THEIR NECKS.

FISH LADY

I'm warning you, Moby, you jump through this hoop or I'm feeding you to the seal act.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY WALK OVER TO HER.

SQUIGGY

Don't overwork him.  He might drown.

LENNY

Yeah.  We've seen enough.  You're in the show.  And as a bonus, we're gonna be in your act.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING:

SQUIGGY

We got a skit where we play two perternity brothers and for the finish we swallow your fish.

SHIRLEY

Don't you dare lay a tongue on that fish.

LAVERNE

It's okay, Shirl.  It's Friday.

SHIRLEY

(TO FISH LADY) You should be ashamed of yourself.  Haven't you heard of the fish labor laws?

THE FISH LADY TAKES HER FISH AND STOMPS OFF STAGE.

LAVERNE

Shirl, there are no fish labor laws.

SHIRLEY

Well, there should be.  (TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY) Your [sic] overworking all your animal acts.  Like that poor seal back there that imitates Kate Smith.

LAVERNE

You got a seal that can sing, "When the Moon Comes Over the Mountain?"

LENNY

And we help by acting out the words of the song.  I play the mountain.

SQUIGGY

Guess what I do?

SHIRLEY
You guys are taking all the dignity out of this show.

Instead, the onscreen scene opens with the girls practicing their "Wedding of Jack & Jill" number, and then the boys enter in robes, and ascots.  All the stuff with the kissing and makeup was added.  The boys claim the girls aren't on the list, but Shirley sees them listed after the seal who imitates Kate Smith.  Laverne's line about the song and Shirley's line about dignity are there, but if the boys' lewd lines were filmed, they understandably didn't make it to air.

They added Squiggy telling the girls to watch television if they want dignity.  After Carmine enters, Laverne in the script says, teasing, "Hey, Carmine, what happened to you?  Get in a boat accident?"  Then Shirley says, "Carmine, I don't know how to tell you this, but you look like a jerk in a canoe."

This was also dropped, to be replaced by the girls insisting Carmine should audition and Squiggy reluctantly giving in, as well as by Shirley flirtatiously telling Carmine to break a leg:

CARMINE

...I got two of the best girl dancers in Milwaukee.

SHIRLEY

Oh, I'm sorry, Carmine.  We have our own act.  We're not dancing with you.

CARMINE

I know.  (CALLING O.S.) Ladies...

His number, not unlike Edna's, is simply described as "his number."

Afterwards, Laverne in the script says, "Boy, Carmine, you couldn't have done that in a canoe," while Shirley comments, "That was marvelous.  And the girls were pretty good considering you couldn't get us."  Onscreen, Laverne makes the aside that he'll have to do that in a canoe if they have to follow him, while Shirley shows jealousy about the two girl dancers.

Although this scene is only six pages, a commercial break was added, with the girls wrestling with the boys before and after, not a fight from the script.  Lenny's apology to Laverne and their "spit" dialogue were also not in this script.

The boys' act at this point was simply "They perform."

This is how the very end of the scene goes in the script:

SHIRLEY

You expect us to play elephants?

SQUIGGY

The handsome men are already cast.

LAVERNE

If you two monkeys think we're going to play elephants, then your [sic again] jackasses!

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY EXIT.

Onscreen the girls' refusal is phrased differently and Lenny says they were counting on the girls.  The makeup lines were not in the script.

Thoughts:

• As I said, the Fish Lady was already cast, Joie Magidow.  Oddly enough , IMDB lists her as "Fish Trainer" for "The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show."  I don't remember her there, so maybe someone just submitted the wrong credits.  She would be on the Blue Team on the "We're in the Army Now" two-parter.
• The Fish Lady stuff is odd, in an already odd episode.  Why isn't she more upset about the boys saying they'll eat her fish?
• "Don't you dare lay a tongue on that fish" is not even the most suggestive line in this scene.
• Laverne makes a Catholic joke.
• Just in case you thought Shirley only cared about mammals, she is also concerned about piscine welfare.
• Squiggy the Moon comes over Lenny the Mountain.  While a seal sings.  These scripts, honestly.
• Shirley doesn't call them disgusting, just undignified.  She's getting harder to shock.
• Shirley seems more like Carmine's girlfriend onscreen than in the script, expressing affection and jealousy.
• I don't know if it was Marshall & McKean once again teaming up to give us some Lavenny even here, but I thank them.

"The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show," Scene B

Next we're in the "breakroom - Shotz Brewery - day."  When Shirley asks how Laverne can eat tuna on Scooter pie, Laverne on air just says, "Discipline," but here's the version in the script:

LAVERNE

Save time.  I don't have to stop for dessert.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, you are what you eat.  If you wanna get anywhere in this world, you're going to have to learn to eat classier foods.  Now I'm going to eat like an aristocrat.  Today I've prepared a watercress sandwich.

SHE TAKES OUT A SANDWICH WITH A LARGE WAD OF WATERCRESS ON WHITE BREAD.  SHE TAKES A BITE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(TO LAVERNE) You better pass the catsup.

Only the first two Mr. Shotz lines were kept in the following dialogue:

MAX SHOTZ (V.O.)

I know all of you will do your best to help out the directors, two people with imagination, leadership, and a flair for the unique...

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Hello.

MAX SHOTZ (V.O.0

Our own, Andrew Squigmann and Leonard Kosnowski.

LENNY/SQUIGGY

Hello??

MAX SHOTZ (V.O.)
Treat them well, they're good boys.

In the script, Mr. Shotz went to Sleazy's Family Motor Lodge, which became the Dewdrop Motel for filming.  Also, onscreen Squiggy makes an announcement about the auditions and then the scene ends with him and Lenny leaving to look for the stage.  Here's the very end of the scene, and act, in the script:

THE BOYS EXIT.  THE GIRLS READ THE SLIPS OF PAPER.

SHIRLEY

I got 253.

LAVERNE

I got number one.  I'm supposed to audition at nine o'clock at Sleazy's Family Motor Lodge.

Thoughts:

• The dropped bit about the girls' lunches isn't strictly necessary, except as character contrast.
• At the time of this script, they'd cast the Fish Lady but somehow not Mr. Shotz.  Luckily, it was Harry Shearer again by filming.
• We have a Hello Cue that ceased to be one.  I've noticed that sometimes the boys will get more than one in a script, but usually only one per episode makes it to air.
• Was the original name of the motel too, well, sleazy?
• Did both boys invite Laverne to the motor lodge or just Lenny?  How am I supposed to feel about this?  How does she feel about this?

"The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show," Scene A

On December 14, 1978, a month and a half before "The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show" aired, its Revised Final Script was ready.  I have a reprint of the script Betty Garrett owned:

We start at the "girls' apartment - day":

A CARD TABLE IS SET UP IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH A PITCHER AND GLASSES, AND A LARGE SANDWICH SIGN BESIDE IT READING "SHOTZ TALENT SHOW - AUDITIONS TODAY."  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY START TO USHER A MAN OUT THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY

Thank you, Mr. Kopotnick.  If we need a glass eater, you'll be our first choice.

LAVERNE

(HOLDING UP HALF A GLASS) Look, Shirl, he bit Howdy Doody's face off.

THE GIRLS OPEN THE DOOR AND PUSH HIM OUT.  THERE ARE PEOPLE OUTSIDE TRYING TO GET IN.

SHIRLEY

Pushing and shoving will count against you later.

THE GIRLS MANAGE TO SHUT THE DOOR AND LOCK IT.

LAVERNE

Boy, what a bunch of animals.

SHIRLEY

Everybody wants to be a star.  The bright lights, the glitter...

LAVERNE

Don't forget the free six-pack of Shotz beer for each act.

SHIRLEY

Yes, Mr. Shotz is all heart.  I wish he would hurry back from his business trip.

That opening was dropped and Shirley's line about the business trip was given to Laverne in voiceover.  Also, in this version, Shirley has the line about their "Abba-Dabba-Dabba monkey roller skating dance" and Laverne is the one who doesn't want to jinx them but she thinks they're good enough for Ted Mack.  That was reversed for filming, losing some of the irony of Penny's dance history.  They dropped Laverne's equally ironic line, "We're giants in the entertainment industry."

This was dropped after Frank and Edna come in:

LAVERNE

Name.

FRANK

Your father.  You want proof?  (MAKES HAND GESTURE)  I'll give you my handprint.

LAVERNE

(SHE RUBS HER BEHIND) No, that's okay, Pop.  I got a copy on file.

In the script, Frank calls his ventriloquist dummy "like the son I never had," which became "a chip off the old block."  He asks Laverne for water earlier than he will onscreen, and she says, "Who died and made you Gunga Din?"  "The world's worst ventriloquism act" goes like this:

FRANK

Hey, Woody, where you from?  (AS DUMMY) The sticks.  (HIMSELF) Got any relatives?  (DUMMY) Long family tree.  (HIMSELF) You married?  (DUMMY) Yeah, to an old bat.

And then he does the water-drinking bit.  All Laverne's lines about being embarrassed were added, although she does say in the script, "I don't know about the ventriloquism act.  Why don't you do a whittling act?"

This part was replaced by a quick time-skip:

LAVERNE

Thanks, Pop, we'll call you and let you know.

FRANK

What if I'm not home?

LAVERNE

We'll leave a message with Woody.

FRANK

Great.  I'll leave his trunk by the phone.

SHIRLEY

You're next, Mrs. Babish.  Now, don't be nervous.  You'll be terrific.

EDNA

I'll give it a shot, but that's a tough act to follow.

Her act is described as "truly wonderful," but there are no details at this point.

The last two and a half pages, after Frank and Edna leave, were replaced by a wide variety of acts pushing their way in.  But here's who we got back then:

SHIRLEY GOES TO THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY

(CALLING OUT) Okay, number four.  Calling number four.

THE DOOR OPENS CRUSHING SHIRLEY.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN WITH THREE HATRACKS AND A BOX OF PLATES.  SHIRLEY CLOSES THE DOOR.

SQUIGGY

Presenting for your amazement, the Incredible Family Squiggman plus Lenny.

LENNY

We only make one promise: you won't believe your eyes.

THE BOYS SPACE THE THREE HATRACKS IN FRONT OF THE COUCH.

SHIRLEY

I thought you guys were number five.

SQUIGGY

We was, until somebody released the brakes on number four's T-Bird.

LENNY

I wonder who?  I wonder who?

THE BOYS LAUGH.

LAVERNE

I almost hate to ask, but what are you gonna do?

LENNY

Spin plates.  It came to me in a dream.  Ready, Squig?

SQUIGGY HANDS LENNY A PLATE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF.

SQUIGGY

You know it.  A one and a two and a...

THE BOYS BREAK INTO "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE" AND START RACING AROUND TRYING TO SPIN PLATES ON THE HATRACK.  THE PLATES ARE BREAKING.  THE BOYS ARE RUNNING AROUND LIKE MADMEN.  THE GIRLS CANNOT STOP THEM WITH YELLING AND HAVE TO PHYSICALLY SUBDUE LENNY AND SQUIGGY.

LAVERNE

This is bad.  A bad act.

SHIRLEY

You don't know how to do that.

LENNY

Well, not yet.

SQUIGGY

Give us some time.  You think Lincoln invented the penny first time out?

LAVERNE

Boys, can I be honest with you?

LENNY

No, lie.

LAVERNE

Guys, this is not what we're looking for.  Why don't you sing a rock and roll song?  You do that sorta well.

SQUIGGY

'Cause rock and roll is dead and we buried it.

LENNY

So, either you take the plates, or we walk.  It's your decision.

THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT.

SHIRLEY

(TO DOOR) Number six, please.

SQUIGGY

All right, you sea witch.  With Lenny as my witness, I make a solemn pledge that you two will ruin the day you ever saw the Incredible Family Squigmann.

LENNY

Plus, Lenny.

Thoughts:

• We don't really need the bit with Mr. Kopotnick, but I do think it's interesting that the girls own a Howdy Doody glass.  They would've been about nine when that show started.
• OK, a lot of the people in the talent show presumably work for the brewery.  How much would they care about a free six-pack?
• I'm glad they dropped the spanking joke.
• Frank's act is about equally bad in both versions.
• The stuff with "Woody" answering the phone feels like filler, so I'm glad it's gone.
• I have mixed feelings about the boys' act here.  I mean, it sounds like it could've been cute, but they definitely would not want rock & roll to be dead, no matter what Lenny dreams.  On the other hand, there's not really an explanation onscreen for why the change from the Squiggtones, other than that power has gone to their heads.
• Laverne is brutally honest, even though Lenny doesn't want her to be.
• I of course like "sea witch."

"Sing, Sing, Sing," Scenes E, H, and J

Now we're in the "bathroom - night."

Squiggy's "I have urgent matters to discuss you that know no gender" became "What I have to discuss with you knows no boundaries of sex or gender."  After Laverne says that Lenny gave her the finger stick, Squiggy had the line, "He gives everybody that."  They added Squiggy saying he didn't mean to make her cry.  They also added him telling her she should be ashamed to call herself by her Christian name.

Onscreen, Squiggy sings "Chantilly Lace" with the phrase "a happy face," but it was originally "a hairy face."  The thing about entertaining "tens of people" was not in the script, nor was Squiggy's comment on the purse at the end.  (The hat line was there.)

The next scene has "continuous action," so it's right after.  They dropped the very beginning:

SQUIGGY COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND CROSSES TO LENNY.

LENNY

Well, Squig, what's the report?

SQUIGGY

Frankly, Lenny, I was very impressed.  Theirs is much cleaner than ours.

Lenny plays "Telestar," as in the 1962 Tornados song "Telstar."  (The caption on my DVD describes this as "mellow rock music.")  His line to the band about "doing the other one" was added, maybe to explain how they know "Standing on the Corner" (as it is called in the script, but not the end credits).

In the script, Laverne sings, "I'm not so dumb," but this got an "ain't" by filming.  Also, this verse was dropped:

LAVERNE

I THANK YOU FOR THE LIFT

IN YOUR BRAND-NEW CAR

BUT I DO NOT INTEND TO GO THAT FAR

WITH A BOY LIKE YOU.

By this point, it probably won't surprise you that all the touching and eyesex during the duet are not in the script.  The last line of the scene and of Act Two is Lenny's to Sabrina, "Of course you can have my autograph.  Does 'Lenny' have two 'n's or one?"  And then he and Laverne "exchange smiles."

So that leaves the tag, which is somehow "moments later."  Frank is "continuing his sparkling emcee job."  And the whole little scene made it in.

Thoughts:

• The Squiggy dialogue is mostly improved by filming, I'm going to assume as always by David L. Lander.  I am intrigued by Lenny giving his finger stick to others, as well as Squiggy liking a hairy face, although he did fall in love with a bearded lady back in Season Two.  (And there's the slashy interpretation as well of course.)
• The lost verse of the song is both more suggestive and more ambiguous than what she sings onscreen, because it raises the question of just how far she'd go.
• I'm glad they dropped the "dumb Lenny" line.  Just because he couldn't spell "mustard" a few years ago doesn't mean he can't spell his own name.
• I gave the filmed episode a B and I'd probably go with that for this script as well.  There are some things we lost, from the "depressed Lavenny" scene to a better set-up to Sabrina (although still more depth to Francine than to her), but we did gain all that physical affection between Laverne and Lenny that makes this such a delightful if frustrating episode.

"Sing, Sing, Sing," Scene D

It's Cowboy Bill's at "night," but definitely a different night.  Laverne and Lenny were supposed to be "standing by the counter," not cutely sitting on the counter.  They dropped the first part of Frank's routine:

FRANK

Welcome to our second annual Hoot Night.  I'm gonna warm you up with a couple of jokes.  Did you hear the one about the auctioneer's daughter?  She...  (DRUMMER HITS A RIMSHOT)  No, no.  You gotta wait till after the punchline.  (TURNS BACK TO MIKE)  Two rabbis walk into a bar.  (DRUMMER HITS ANOTHER RIMSHOT)  No, no.  You did it again.  Just watch my hand.  (HE HOLDS HIS HAND UP.  RETURNS TO MIKE)

Instead we get a voiceover of Frank saying he's going to tell jokes and then there's his "doctor" joke from the script.  After the audience does his punchline, there was this:

NOBODY LAUGHS.  THERE IS A RIMSHOT.  FRANK REACTS.  HE LOWERS HIS HAND IN DISGUST. 

FRANK

Sure, you work with them.  See if they sign your paycheck.

Onscreen, we get Laverne and Lenny looking very amused (and adorable).

Frank implausibly describing Rhonda as Edna's "very dear friend" was not in the script, so I'm going to guess Phil Foster added it.

More omissions with Frank and the drummer:

FRANK

(INTO MIKE) Thank you, Rhonda and Edna.  (TO AUDIENCE) Listen up all you men out there.  Edna's married and Rhonda's expensive.

DRUMMER HITS A RIMSHOT.

FRANK (CONT'D)

(TO DRUMMER) That was no joke.

Laverne and Lenny are sitting on the counter by this point, but I think the scene works better as shot, with them just up there from the beginning.  Once again, they added the two of them touching, here with her comforting him after he's speechless in front of Sabrina.

After Laverne says that Carmine and Lenny are going to be so proud of her, Carmine had the line, "That's what Napoleon said before he left for Waterloo."  Here's how Squiggy's fabulous entrance goes in the written version:

SQUIGGY ENTERS, DECKED OUT IN AGENT-STYLE (CIGARETTE HOLDER, CAPE, CANE, ETC.)  HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY A GIRL.

SQUIGGY

Good evening, gentlemen, could you show me to the reserved agents seating, please.

LENNY PULLS OUT A CHAIR.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

(SOTTO TO GIRL) (THEN) Order anything on the menu that's cheaper than me.

GIRL

You're so good to me, Squiggy Wiggy.

SQUIGGY

Shhhhh!  Not in public.

SQUIGGY CROSSES TO CARMINE.

CARMINE

Great outfit.  You doing a magic act tonight?

SQUIGGY

I'm here to scout talent.  I'm an entremanure.

Onscreen, the girl (Beehive Girl) loses her line, but Lenny seating Squiggy becomes a neat little routine between the boys.  The rest of the scene is mostly unchanged, although Squiggy's "Shouldn't one of us help the lady being murdered in the bathroom?" was improved (I assume by Lander) to the more casual "I think someone ought to go to the ladies' room.  There's a woman strangling herself to death in there."  Also, the closing line was Lenny's "He's so good with creative people," which became Carmine telling "Squiggles" to be gentle.

Thoughts:

• The changes definitely make the scene cuter and funnier, unless you're a fan of rimshots.
• There is no physical or other description of Sabrina, just "Lenny's heart throb, the waitress, Sabrina."  She truly is just a breathing prop.  In comparison, Karen the next season would be a complex character.
• Although it would've been great to have Beehive Girl speak, I do love that she just shows up, without explanation, in mid-'60s Burbank.  Also, "Squiggy Wiggy" kills me.
• That is such a Carmine line, about the magic act.
• I feel like "entremanure" did resurface somewhere, but I don't remember where.

"Sing, Sing, Sing," Scene C

The same set, now "night," but probably a different night:

LAVERNE AND CARMINE ARE IN THE MIDST OF A SINGING LESSON.  HE IS TEACHING HER "THEY WERE YOU".

LAVERNE

How was that, Carmine?

CARMINE

That was an interesting interpretation.  Let me be honest, Laverne.

LAVERNE

I know what you're going to say, Carmine.  I need to work on my scales.

CARMINE

(SARCASTIC) Oh, good, scales again.

The aired scene just starts with him telling her to do scales. Lenny was supposed to enter from the front door, but I think the blocking works better as is.  And in the script he says that the singing finger stick was out in "the work shed," as well as that it's "only nineteen ninety-eight, not sold in any store."

Also in the script, Laverne suggests she sing "the love song from Mondo Cane.  You know, the movie where they ate the dogs."  Carmine "looks skeptical."

There are again no stage directions for Laverne and Lenny to touch each other.  However, onscreen when Lenny says he doesn't know what song he'll do, Laverne says she doesn't know either and then he suggests they do "that song we used to do."  Here's how it went in the script:

LENNY

Aw, I don't even know what song to sing.

LAVERNE

How about that song you and I sang at Senior Talent Night?

LENNY

Oh, I remember that.

And then onscreen after they sing a bit, he says she sounds so good in that song and repeats that they should sing it together, but she insists on singing "a real pretty love ballad."  She adds that he wouldn't want to sing a duet with her to Sabrina, and he guesses she's right.  However, in the script, Lenny objects after a couple lines, "Nah, I can't sing that.  Elvis never did a duet.  Except when he sang with himself in 'Kissing Cousins'."

The DVD copy has loud going-to-commercial music when Laverne says she's going upstairs, suggesting that at least some of the omitted last portion of this scene is due to a copyright edit.  Here's how it goes in the script:

LAVERNE

...I've got some more song books upstairs.  (SEES BEATLES)  It's right under my nose.

LAVERNE STARTS UP THE STAIRS SINGING "IF I FELL".

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(SINGS) IF I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

WOULD YOU PROMISE TO BE TRUE...

THE BEATLES FALL OFF THE WALL.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Look at that.  I floored 'em.  (THEN) Oh, this is a good one.

LAVERNE EXITS TO BEDROOM, SINGING "SINCE I DON'T HAVE YOU".

CARMINE

(PICKS UP FINGER AND STICKS IT IN HIS EAR)  Boy, I wish I had two of these.

Thoughts:

• We can see Carmine wearying of giving Laverne voice lessons earlier than he does onscreen.
• Laverne somehow is oblivious to his criticism and thinks he's just teasing.
• Where is this work shed and who uses it?
• Did Lenny make the singing stick or did he acquire it outside of a store?
• Mondo Cane (1962) was shocking in its day and so presumably the joke is that it wouldn't have a love song.  (The title is Italian for Doggish World.)
  
• So here it's Laverne who wants to sing a duet with Lenny, which changes the whole episode.  Her advice to be like Elvis backfires.  (Elvis plays identical cousins in the 1964 movie referenced here.)
• How on earth could they have sung a suggestive song like that at Senior Talent Night in the mid '50s?
• Apparently they remember the song well a decade later, which makes me wonder if they've sung it off and on over the years.  And I wonder, as always, who in canon wrote it, because it feels like a Lenny song, but it's not specified as such, as "In Love with Laverne" obviously is.
• The Beatles cut-out literally falls when Laverne sings their song about falling.  And still she can't take a hint.
• Now I have a mental image of Carmine trying to block out Laverne's singing with the giant padded finger.

"Sing, Sing, Sing," Scene B

We go to the "girls' apartment - later that night":

LAVERNE IS SINGING "HE" AND PLAYING HER GUITAR.

LAVERNE

(SINGING LOUDLY) THOUGH IT MAKES HIM SAD TO SEE THE WAY WE LIVE, HE'LL ALWAYS SAY...

LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN.  LENNY IS VISIBLY UPSET.

SQUIGGY

Hello.  Laverne, are you trying to sing or is there a full moon out tonight?  (LAUGHS AND ELBOWS LENNY)

LENNY TRIES TO MUSTER A SMILE BUT CAN'T.

LENNY

Sorry, Squig, but I've lost that laughin' feeling.

SQUIGGY LEADS LENNY TO THE COUCH.

LAVERNE

What are you doing here?  How come you two aren't at Hoot Night?

LENNY

Hoot Night?  I can never go to Cowboy Bill's again.  It's off limits to my heart.

LAVERNE

It's off limits to my voice.

SQUIGGY

Lenny's got the hoots for the new waitressette, Sabrina Bush.

LENNY

My first case of unrequired love. The moment our eyes met I knew she was the woman I wanted to spawn my babies.  (LISTENS TO SEA SHELL)

SQUIGGY PUSHES LAVERNE NEXT TO LENNY.

SQUIGGY

C'mon, Laverne, do something to cheer him up.  Tickle his funny gland.

LAVERNE

Len...

LENNY

(LISTENING TO SEA SHELL) Laverne...?

LAVERNE

Life stinks.

SQUIGGY

Mission accomplished.  Well, I've done it again.  I'm off to reunite Dean Martin and Jerry Lee Lewis.

SQUIGGY EXITS.  LENNY AND LAVERNE EXCHANGE SAD LOOKS.  DURING THE FOLLOWING THEY SINK PROGRESSIVELY LOWER TO THE GROUND.

LENNY

I'm so lonely.

LAVERNE

I'm so lousey [sic].

LENNY

I'm lonely and lousey.

LAVERNE

Well, I'm a lonely, lousey loser.

LENNY

Well, I'm a lonely, lousey loser, but at least I've got Squiggy.

LAVERNE

You win, Len.  (BEAT)  Ah, Len, chin up.  What happened?  Did you stand and stare or did you at least try to talk to Sabrina?

LENNY

Sure.  I used my best line.  I looked at her real sexy and said, "Hey, baby, your place or my ice cream truck?"

LAVERNE

Len, maybe you need a different approach.  Hey, Mr. Moviegoer, think about how the guy gets the girl in the movies.  Like those Elvis movies.

LENNY

Oh, you mean like when Elvis punches the snooty rich kid and the girl marries him and then he wins the big race... or boxing match... or gets paroled?

LAVERNE

Yeah.  But instead of punching him why don't you do what Elvis does?  You could sing a love song to Sabrina at the next Tuesday Hoot Night.

LENNY

(WARMING TO THE IDEA) And she has to listen... she works here.  Thanks, Laverne, you're a pal.

LAVERNE

You're welcome, Len.  In fact, you can have my spot.  I just sorta cleared the room out.

That all got dumped and we got Laverne in voiceover saying she was lousy, and then we see her tell him she cleared the room out.

The rest of the scene is mostly faithful to the script, except, one, they added her calling him sweet, and two, all we have for stage directions is he "tickles her" and they "do the tickling and bouncing bit."  And she tells him, "Lenny, I want to be a singer, not a yoyo," which became "not a trampoline act."  Furthermore, Lenny was supposed to be "sad" when he wishes Sabrina were there nude, but he doesn't look or sound that unhappy onscreen.

Many thoughts:

• !!!
• Wait, does this mean Squiggy is "He" as in God?
• Is he calling Laverne a dog or a werewolf?
• Lenny lost that laughin' feeling.  Now it's gone, gone, gone, whoa-oh!
• Why would Laverne expect the boys to be at Hoot Night, considering she cleared the place out?  Does she think the audience came back after she left?
• Lenny and Laverne have both faced disappointment at CB's, so they've banished themselves from her father's restaurant.
• I guess "hoots" is what you would get at Cowboy Bill's, because of Hoot Night, but what does "waitressette" mean?  Is Sabrina extra feminine or just petite?
• So it turns out that Sabrina's last name was "Bush," which became the more exotic "Bousche" or however it's spelled.  Note that George H.W. Bush was the new Vice-President at the time of this script.
• I'll say it's unrequired!  Sabrina is such a McGuffin that she doesn't even get any lines or personality.  His "love" is only required as an excuse to Lavenny the dickens out of the subtext.
• Lenny Honey, you were convinced Laverne was the one to bear your children as recently as "To Tell the Truth."  You are not that fickle, so I have to assume you're only doing this to get Laverne's sympathy.
• Seashell, why?
• Squiggy, you old Lavennist you!  Literally push them together, thank you!
• Tickle.  His.  Funny.  Gland.  I'm going to assume that the suggestiveness is deliberate.
• Squiggy's mission is to get L & L on a couch together, because misery loves company.
• Oh, that Martin & Lewis, yes.
• OK, Laverne & Lenny end up on the floor.  I don't know how else to read that stage direction.  But I'm here for it.
• "I'm a lonely, lousey loser, so why don't you kill me?"  Sorry, to be more period-appropriate, "I'm a lonely, lousey loser, and I'm not what I appear to be."
• Laverne would rather be lonely without Squiggy.
• Laverne knows about Lenny's sometime shyness with girls.
• Show of hands, how many of you would go for Lenny in the ice cream truck?  (Mmm, Lenny sundae.  Sorry.)
• The Elvis movie exchange is cute.
• So, wait, what night is Hoot Night?  I'd better write that down.
• In this version, it's Laverne's idea for Lenny to serenade Sabrina.  Which you would think would occur to Lenny.
• So theory number one, he made up the whole crush just to get Laverne's sympathy but she now is playing matchmaker.
• Theory number two, he does have a (passing) crush on Sabrina and wanted to sing to her anyway, but now he can also use this as a way to encourage Laverne to try again.
• Theory number three, I'll discuss when we get to Scene C.
• Lenny friend-zones Laverne by calling her a pal!  I'm not sure if this is a first, but it's still a surprise.
• OK, so there's a whole conversation between them, which incidentally sets up the Sabrina thing that is baffling on the episode as aired.  But what we got instead was all that Lavenny touching and eyesex.  I guess it's a fair trade, but I wish this whole scene had aired.  Because, yes, them touching and eyesexing on the floor would've boosted this episode to at least a B+ for me.