We start at the "girls' apartment - day":
A CARD TABLE IS SET UP IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH A PITCHER AND GLASSES, AND A LARGE SANDWICH SIGN BESIDE IT READING "SHOTZ TALENT SHOW - AUDITIONS TODAY." LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY START TO USHER A MAN OUT THE DOOR.
SHIRLEY
Thank you, Mr. Kopotnick. If we need a glass eater, you'll be our first choice.
LAVERNE
(HOLDING UP HALF A GLASS) Look, Shirl, he bit Howdy Doody's face off.
THE GIRLS OPEN THE DOOR AND PUSH HIM OUT. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUTSIDE TRYING TO GET IN.
SHIRLEY
Pushing and shoving will count against you later.
THE GIRLS MANAGE TO SHUT THE DOOR AND LOCK IT.
LAVERNE
Boy, what a bunch of animals.
SHIRLEY
Everybody wants to be a star. The bright lights, the glitter...
LAVERNE
Don't forget the free six-pack of Shotz beer for each act.
SHIRLEY
Yes, Mr. Shotz is all heart. I wish he would hurry back from his business trip.
That opening was dropped and Shirley's line about the business trip was given to Laverne in voiceover. Also, in this version, Shirley has the line about their "Abba-Dabba-Dabba monkey roller skating dance" and Laverne is the one who doesn't want to jinx them but she thinks they're good enough for Ted Mack. That was reversed for filming, losing some of the irony of Penny's dance history. They dropped Laverne's equally ironic line, "We're giants in the entertainment industry."
This was dropped after Frank and Edna come in:
LAVERNE
Name.
FRANK
Your father. You want proof? (MAKES HAND GESTURE) I'll give you my handprint.
LAVERNE
(SHE RUBS HER BEHIND) No, that's okay, Pop. I got a copy on file.
In the script, Frank calls his ventriloquist dummy "like the son I never had," which became "a chip off the old block." He asks Laverne for water earlier than he will onscreen, and she says, "Who died and made you Gunga Din?" "The world's worst ventriloquism act" goes like this:
FRANK
Hey, Woody, where you from? (AS DUMMY) The sticks. (HIMSELF) Got any relatives? (DUMMY) Long family tree. (HIMSELF) You married? (DUMMY) Yeah, to an old bat.
And then he does the water-drinking bit. All Laverne's lines about being embarrassed were added, although she does say in the script, "I don't know about the ventriloquism act. Why don't you do a whittling act?"
This part was replaced by a quick time-skip:
LAVERNE
Thanks, Pop, we'll call you and let you know.
FRANK
What if I'm not home?
LAVERNE
We'll leave a message with Woody.
FRANK
Great. I'll leave his trunk by the phone.
SHIRLEY
You're next, Mrs. Babish. Now, don't be nervous. You'll be terrific.
EDNA
I'll give it a shot, but that's a tough act to follow.
Her act is described as "truly wonderful," but there are no details at this point.
The last two and a half pages, after Frank and Edna leave, were replaced by a wide variety of acts pushing their way in. But here's who we got back then:
SHIRLEY GOES TO THE DOOR.
SHIRLEY
(CALLING OUT) Okay, number four. Calling number four.
THE DOOR OPENS CRUSHING SHIRLEY. LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN WITH THREE HATRACKS AND A BOX OF PLATES. SHIRLEY CLOSES THE DOOR.
SQUIGGY
Presenting for your amazement, the Incredible Family Squiggman plus Lenny.
LENNY
We only make one promise: you won't believe your eyes.
THE BOYS SPACE THE THREE HATRACKS IN FRONT OF THE COUCH.
SHIRLEY
I thought you guys were number five.
SQUIGGY
We was, until somebody released the brakes on number four's T-Bird.
LENNY
I wonder who? I wonder who?
THE BOYS LAUGH.
LAVERNE
I almost hate to ask, but what are you gonna do?
LENNY
Spin plates. It came to me in a dream. Ready, Squig?
SQUIGGY HANDS LENNY A PLATE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF.
SQUIGGY
You know it. A one and a two and a...
THE BOYS BREAK INTO "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE" AND START RACING AROUND TRYING TO SPIN PLATES ON THE HATRACK. THE PLATES ARE BREAKING. THE BOYS ARE RUNNING AROUND LIKE MADMEN. THE GIRLS CANNOT STOP THEM WITH YELLING AND HAVE TO PHYSICALLY SUBDUE LENNY AND SQUIGGY.
LAVERNE
This is bad. A bad act.
SHIRLEY
You don't know how to do that.
LENNY
Well, not yet.
SQUIGGY
Give us some time. You think Lincoln invented the penny first time out?
LAVERNE
Boys, can I be honest with you?
LENNY
No, lie.
LAVERNE
Guys, this is not what we're looking for. Why don't you sing a rock and roll song? You do that sorta well.
SQUIGGY
'Cause rock and roll is dead and we buried it.
LENNY
So, either you take the plates, or we walk. It's your decision.
THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT.
SHIRLEY
(TO DOOR) Number six, please.
SQUIGGY
All right, you sea witch. With Lenny as my witness, I make a solemn pledge that you two will ruin the day you ever saw the Incredible Family Squigmann.
LENNY
Plus, Lenny.
Thoughts:
- We don't really need the bit with Mr. Kopotnick, but I do think it's interesting that the girls own a Howdy Doody glass. They would've been about nine when that show started.
- OK, a lot of the people in the talent show presumably work for the brewery. How much would they care about a free six-pack?
- I'm glad they dropped the spanking joke.
- Frank's act is about equally bad in both versions.
- The stuff with "Woody" answering the phone feels like filler, so I'm glad it's gone.
- I have mixed feelings about the boys' act here. I mean, it sounds like it could've been cute, but they definitely would not want rock & roll to be dead, no matter what Lenny dreams. On the other hand, there's not really an explanation onscreen for why the change from the Squiggtones, other than that power has gone to their heads.
- Laverne is brutally honest, even though Lenny doesn't want her to be.
- I of course like "sea witch."
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