"The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show," Scene C

The next act opens in the "Shotz Auditorium - day":

THERE'S A LADY STANDING OVER A GOLDFISH BOWL WITH A HOOP.  A LARGE GOLDFISH IS SWIMMING AROUND AND SHE IS TALKING TO IT.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE WATCHING, WEARING BATHROBES WITH TOWELS AROUND THEIR NECKS.

FISH LADY

I'm warning you, Moby, you jump through this hoop or I'm feeding you to the seal act.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY WALK OVER TO HER.

SQUIGGY

Don't overwork him.  He might drown.

LENNY

Yeah.  We've seen enough.  You're in the show.  And as a bonus, we're gonna be in your act.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING:

SQUIGGY

We got a skit where we play two perternity brothers and for the finish we swallow your fish.

SHIRLEY

Don't you dare lay a tongue on that fish.

LAVERNE

It's okay, Shirl.  It's Friday.

SHIRLEY

(TO FISH LADY) You should be ashamed of yourself.  Haven't you heard of the fish labor laws?

THE FISH LADY TAKES HER FISH AND STOMPS OFF STAGE.

LAVERNE

Shirl, there are no fish labor laws.

SHIRLEY

Well, there should be.  (TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY) Your [sic] overworking all your animal acts.  Like that poor seal back there that imitates Kate Smith.

LAVERNE

You got a seal that can sing, "When the Moon Comes Over the Mountain?"

LENNY

And we help by acting out the words of the song.  I play the mountain.

SQUIGGY

Guess what I do?

SHIRLEY
You guys are taking all the dignity out of this show.

Instead, the onscreen scene opens with the girls practicing their "Wedding of Jack & Jill" number, and then the boys enter in robes, and ascots.  All the stuff with the kissing and makeup was added.  The boys claim the girls aren't on the list, but Shirley sees them listed after the seal who imitates Kate Smith.  Laverne's line about the song and Shirley's line about dignity are there, but if the boys' lewd lines were filmed, they understandably didn't make it to air.

They added Squiggy telling the girls to watch television if they want dignity.  After Carmine enters, Laverne in the script says, teasing, "Hey, Carmine, what happened to you?  Get in a boat accident?"  Then Shirley says, "Carmine, I don't know how to tell you this, but you look like a jerk in a canoe."

This was also dropped, to be replaced by the girls insisting Carmine should audition and Squiggy reluctantly giving in, as well as by Shirley flirtatiously telling Carmine to break a leg:

CARMINE

...I got two of the best girl dancers in Milwaukee.

SHIRLEY

Oh, I'm sorry, Carmine.  We have our own act.  We're not dancing with you.

CARMINE

I know.  (CALLING O.S.) Ladies...

His number, not unlike Edna's, is simply described as "his number."

Afterwards, Laverne in the script says, "Boy, Carmine, you couldn't have done that in a canoe," while Shirley comments, "That was marvelous.  And the girls were pretty good considering you couldn't get us."  Onscreen, Laverne makes the aside that he'll have to do that in a canoe if they have to follow him, while Shirley shows jealousy about the two girl dancers.

Although this scene is only six pages, a commercial break was added, with the girls wrestling with the boys before and after, not a fight from the script.  Lenny's apology to Laverne and their "spit" dialogue were also not in this script.

The boys' act at this point was simply "They perform."

This is how the very end of the scene goes in the script:

SHIRLEY

You expect us to play elephants?

SQUIGGY

The handsome men are already cast.

LAVERNE

If you two monkeys think we're going to play elephants, then your [sic again] jackasses!

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY EXIT.

Onscreen the girls' refusal is phrased differently and Lenny says they were counting on the girls.  The makeup lines were not in the script.

Thoughts:

• As I said, the Fish Lady was already cast, Joie Magidow.  Oddly enough , IMDB lists her as "Fish Trainer" for "The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show."  I don't remember her there, so maybe someone just submitted the wrong credits.  She would be on the Blue Team on the "We're in the Army Now" two-parter.
• The Fish Lady stuff is odd, in an already odd episode.  Why isn't she more upset about the boys saying they'll eat her fish?
• "Don't you dare lay a tongue on that fish" is not even the most suggestive line in this scene.
• Laverne makes a Catholic joke.
• Just in case you thought Shirley only cared about mammals, she is also concerned about piscine welfare.
• Squiggy the Moon comes over Lenny the Mountain.  While a seal sings.  These scripts, honestly.
• Shirley doesn't call them disgusting, just undignified.  She's getting harder to shock.
• Shirley seems more like Carmine's girlfriend onscreen than in the script, expressing affection and jealousy.
• I don't know if it was Marshall & McKean once again teaming up to give us some Lavenny even here, but I thank them.