LAVERNE IS SINGING "HE" AND PLAYING HER GUITAR.
LAVERNE
(SINGING LOUDLY) THOUGH IT MAKES HIM SAD TO SEE THE WAY WE LIVE, HE'LL ALWAYS SAY...
LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN. LENNY IS VISIBLY UPSET.
SQUIGGY
Hello. Laverne, are you trying to sing or is there a full moon out tonight? (LAUGHS AND ELBOWS LENNY)
LENNY TRIES TO MUSTER A SMILE BUT CAN'T.
LENNY
Sorry, Squig, but I've lost that laughin' feeling.
SQUIGGY LEADS LENNY TO THE COUCH.
LAVERNE
What are you doing here? How come you two aren't at Hoot Night?
LENNY
Hoot Night? I can never go to Cowboy Bill's again. It's off limits to my heart.
LAVERNE
It's off limits to my voice.
SQUIGGY
Lenny's got the hoots for the new waitressette, Sabrina Bush.
LENNY
My first case of unrequired love. The moment our eyes met I knew she was the woman I wanted to spawn my babies. (LISTENS TO SEA SHELL)
SQUIGGY PUSHES LAVERNE NEXT TO LENNY.
SQUIGGY
C'mon, Laverne, do something to cheer him up. Tickle his funny gland.
LAVERNE
Len...
LENNY
(LISTENING TO SEA SHELL) Laverne...?
LAVERNE
Life stinks.
SQUIGGY
Mission accomplished. Well, I've done it again. I'm off to reunite Dean Martin and Jerry Lee Lewis.
SQUIGGY EXITS. LENNY AND LAVERNE EXCHANGE SAD LOOKS. DURING THE FOLLOWING THEY SINK PROGRESSIVELY LOWER TO THE GROUND.
LENNY
I'm so lonely.
LAVERNE
I'm so lousey [sic].
LENNY
I'm lonely and lousey.
LAVERNE
Well, I'm a lonely, lousey loser.
LENNY
Well, I'm a lonely, lousey loser, but at least I've got Squiggy.
LAVERNE
You win, Len. (BEAT) Ah, Len, chin up. What happened? Did you stand and stare or did you at least try to talk to Sabrina?
LENNY
Sure. I used my best line. I looked at her real sexy and said, "Hey, baby, your place or my ice cream truck?"
LAVERNE
Len, maybe you need a different approach. Hey, Mr. Moviegoer, think about how the guy gets the girl in the movies. Like those Elvis movies.
LENNY
Oh, you mean like when Elvis punches the snooty rich kid and the girl marries him and then he wins the big race... or boxing match... or gets paroled?
LAVERNE
Yeah. But instead of punching him why don't you do what Elvis does? You could sing a love song to Sabrina at the next Tuesday Hoot Night.
LENNY
(WARMING TO THE IDEA) And she has to listen... she works here. Thanks, Laverne, you're a pal.
LAVERNE
You're welcome, Len. In fact, you can have my spot. I just sorta cleared the room out.
That all got dumped and we got Laverne in voiceover saying she was lousy, and then we see her tell him she cleared the room out.
The rest of the scene is mostly faithful to the script, except, one, they added her calling him sweet, and two, all we have for stage directions is he "tickles her" and they "do the tickling and bouncing bit." And she tells him, "Lenny, I want to be a singer, not a yoyo," which became "not a trampoline act." Furthermore, Lenny was supposed to be "sad" when he wishes Sabrina were there nude, but he doesn't look or sound that unhappy onscreen.
Many thoughts:
- !!!
- Wait, does this mean Squiggy is "He" as in God?
- Is he calling Laverne a dog or a werewolf?
- Lenny lost that laughin' feeling. Now it's gone, gone, gone, whoa-oh!
- Why would Laverne expect the boys to be at Hoot Night, considering she cleared the place out? Does she think the audience came back after she left?
- Lenny and Laverne have both faced disappointment at CB's, so they've banished themselves from her father's restaurant.
- I guess "hoots" is what you would get at Cowboy Bill's, because of Hoot Night, but what does "waitressette" mean? Is Sabrina extra feminine or just petite?
- So it turns out that Sabrina's last name was "Bush," which became the more exotic "Bousche" or however it's spelled. Note that George H.W. Bush was the new Vice-President at the time of this script.
- I'll say it's unrequired! Sabrina is such a McGuffin that she doesn't even get any lines or personality. His "love" is only required as an excuse to Lavenny the dickens out of the subtext.
- Lenny Honey, you were convinced Laverne was the one to bear your children as recently as "To Tell the Truth." You are not that fickle, so I have to assume you're only doing this to get Laverne's sympathy.
- Seashell, why?
- Squiggy, you old Lavennist you! Literally push them together, thank you!
- Tickle. His. Funny. Gland. I'm going to assume that the suggestiveness is deliberate.
- Squiggy's mission is to get L & L on a couch together, because misery loves company.
- Oh, that Martin & Lewis, yes.
- OK, Laverne & Lenny end up on the floor. I don't know how else to read that stage direction. But I'm here for it.
- "I'm a lonely, lousey loser, so why don't you kill me?" Sorry, to be more period-appropriate, "I'm a lonely, lousey loser, and I'm not what I appear to be."
- Laverne would rather be lonely without Squiggy.
- Laverne knows about Lenny's sometime shyness with girls.
- Show of hands, how many of you would go for Lenny in the ice cream truck? (Mmm, Lenny sundae. Sorry.)
- The Elvis movie exchange is cute.
- So, wait, what night is Hoot Night? I'd better write that down.
- In this version, it's Laverne's idea for Lenny to serenade Sabrina. Which you would think would occur to Lenny.
- So theory number one, he made up the whole crush just to get Laverne's sympathy but she now is playing matchmaker.
- Theory number two, he does have a (passing) crush on Sabrina and wanted to sing to her anyway, but now he can also use this as a way to encourage Laverne to try again.
- Theory number three, I'll discuss when we get to Scene C.
- Lenny friend-zones Laverne by calling her a pal! I'm not sure if this is a first, but it's still a surprise.
- OK, so there's a whole conversation between them, which incidentally sets up the Sabrina thing that is baffling on the episode as aired. But what we got instead was all that Lavenny touching and eyesex. I guess it's a fair trade, but I wish this whole scene had aired. Because, yes, them touching and eyesexing on the floor would've boosted this episode to at least a B+ for me.
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