"Sing, Sing, Sing," Scene A

We start at "Cowboy Bill's - night":

THE PLACE IS FULL OF CUSTOMERS.  A BANNER READS "COWBOY BILL'S HOOT NIGHT".  THERE IS A THREE-PIECE COMBO ON A STAGE.  FRANK IS AT THE MICROPHONE.  LAVERNE AND EDNA ARE WATCHING FROM THE SIDE.

FRANK

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Cowboy Bill's first annual every Tuesday Hoot Night.  I'm your host, Frank DeFazio.  People are gonna be singing up here but don't let that stop you from spending money.  Just yell loud.  Now, it's time for our very own Carmine Ragusa and Shirley Feeney.

SHIRLEY AND CARMINE ENTER FROM KITCHEN AND SING "THEY WERE YOU."

We don't get Frank's set-up or see Shirley and Carmine enter.  The aired version just starts with them onstage singing.

This exchange was mostly dropped, after that duet:

EDNA

They sound just like Nelson Eddy and Jeanette McDonald.

LAVERNE

Who?

EDNA

They were the Sonny and Cher of my day.

LAVERNE

Oh.  (BEAT)  What a beautiful song.  It gets me right here.  I wanna sing a song that moves people.

EDNA

But you worked so hard on "Purple People Eater".

LAVERNE

I want to relate to people.  How many purple people do you know?  (BEAT)  I'm gonna sing "He".

EDNA

Who?

LAVERNE

"He".

EDNA

Ha.  "He".

LAVERNE REACTS.

In the script, Edna calls Laverne "Honey" when she tells her not to leave.  The call of complaint from the police replaced this ending:

FRANK ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.

FRANK

What happened?

EDNA

"He" just emptied the room.

Thoughts:

• Frank has a strange definition of "annual."  Also, is this something that every CB's franchise does or his own innovation?  It is of course on Tuesdays, so we'll think of the ABC Tuesday Night Lineup.
• I think that Laverne would've heard of NE & JMcD.  They're not that much before her time, their last movie having been made in '42.  And she probably saw them on TV.
• The only line they kept from that dialogue was the one about the duet getting to Laverne and her wanting to sing a beautiful song, although the sight gag with her guitar was added.
• It's interesting that Laverne actually set out to do a novelty song in the beginning.  And I would certainly have rather had her sing "Purple People Eater" than "He," as would no doubt everyone at CB's.
• The finished version of this scene is a little more polished and funnier, but this isn't drastically different from the beginning that would air.

"Sing, Sing, Sing," introduction

On April 7, 1981, six weeks before "Sing, Sing, Sing" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script, listed as "FKA 'Tears of a Clown,' " was done.  There would indeed be changes from what home audiences would see.  But first, here are some wardrobe notes.

No real surprises here, although it is nice to see Lenny's "ball shirt w/ blue sleeves" and Squiggy's "blk cape (tux center)."  Note that, as someone pointed out on YouTube years ago, Carmine's shirt is briefly yellow but mostly green in the later Cowboy Bill's scenes.  (Perhaps they had to do retakes later.)

"I Do, I Do" revisited, Scene E

So, the set list for the draft had the girls' apartment although no scene actually took place there.  And no scene is set there on the aired episode.  But that's exactly where we find ourselves, "the next morning," in the omitted tag:

LENNY IS LYING ON THE FOLD-OUT COUNTER, LOWERING SPAGHETTI INTO HIS MOUTH, ONE STRAND AT A TIME.  SQUIGGY IS SEATED CROSS-LEGGED ON THE KITCHEN TABLE GOING THROUGH SIX EMPTY JARS, LICKING LIDS, ETC.  THERE ARE FOOD WRAPPERS ALL OVER THE FLOOR, ALL THE KITCHEN DRAWERS ARE PULLED OUT AND THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR IS OPEN.

LENNY

Boy, you were right, Squig, grape jelly sure enhances the robust flavor of a spaghetti.

SQUIGGY

Bulletin, Len.  The edibles in this apartment are now extinct... except for this piece of rabbit food.  

HE GRABS A LONG CARROT WITH GREENS STILL ATTACHED.  THE GIRLS ENTER AND SQUIGGY HIDES THE CARROT IN HIS JACKET.

LAVERNE

I'm so hungry, I could eat... (SEEING BOYS)

SHIRLEY

(REACTING TO MESS) Holy Ravioli!  What's been going on here?

LENNY

Girls, back so early?  We heard you got married.  And where are the blushing grooms?

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY CROSS TO THE KITCHEN SEARCHING FOR FOOD THROUGH EMPTY WRAPPERS, CANS, JARS, ETC.

SQUIGGY

Jilted at the altar, huh?  Well, that's life.

LENNY

That's what people say.

LAVERNE

Shirl, they've eaten all our food.  They've even polished off the baking soda.

SQUIGGY

Yes, the oddest thing happened.  Somehow our bodies just hollowed out.

LENNY

It's amazing, we've been porking down non-stop and I'm only filled to my knees.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, and I'm already filled to my waist.  But I'm shorter.

SHIRLEY

You're also dead.  How dare you barge in here and pillage our pantry of every last crumb.

SQUIGGY

Correction.  Not every last crumb.

HE PULLS OUT THE CARROT.  LAVERNE GOES FOR IT.

LAVERNE

Gimme that.

SQUIGGY TOSSES IT TO LENNY AS THE GIRLS TRY FOR IT.  LENNY TAKES A BITE AND TOSSES IT TO SQUIGGY WHO TAKES A BITE.  THE GIRLS WALLA "GIMME THAT CARROT."  SQUIGGY TOSSES IT BACK TO LENNY WHO TAKES THE LAST BITE AND TOSSES THE GREENS TO THE GIRLS.

SQUIGGY

Have a feast.

THE GIRLS THROW OUT THE BOYS, SLAMMING THE DOOR.  THEY LOOK AT THE GREENS FOR A BEAT, THEN DIVE FOR THEM AS WE:

FADE OUT.

Thoughts:

• So, yes, somehow, despite all the drug humor that did actually make it to air, the powers that be just couldn't give us a cute scene of the Core Four having the munchies.
• How long did it take the girls to bus home?  For that matter, what time at night was it when they hit Vegas?  It appears that the entire episode takes place in less than 24 hours, maybe as few as 18 or even 15.
• Did the boys consume all the food in their apartment or just start in at the girls' place?
• "A spaghetti," very cute.
• The long carrot is a bit Freudian, especially with everyone wanting it.
• We know Lenny is still stoned, because he reacts so calmly to the girls getting married.
• And of course Squiggy jumps to the conclusion that the girls were jilted.
• Who told them about the elopement?  I assume Malcolm, but I guess it could've been someone else at the party, since those weren't private proposals.
• While this version of the script isn't as surprising as the earlier version (and few things are as surprising as that script), this does have some unexpected twists.  Overall, I'm glad I got to see this step in the evolution towards the final product.

"I Do, I Do" revisited, Scenes C and D

The first part of this scene basically carried over from the earlier version, although it would mostly be dropped by the airdate.  However, the dialogue between the rock stars as they wait for their "blushing brides" appears next in this version and is what the filmed scene opens with.  The girls trying to explain what's so funny was still here but omitted later.

The next segment of this scene is very close to what would air, including the episode's "lesson" about not sneaking marijuana into people's food.  However, in this version, this dialogue was next:

DEREK

It wasn't me.  Malcolm did it.  He was a naughty boy.

LAVERNE

Naughty boy, naughty boy.

LONDON

He only did it so you'd get your castle.

LAVERNE

He's buying a castle?  C'mon Shirl.  Let's get married and live in the castle.

SHIRLEY

Well... we are already half dressed.  What the heck, let's roll the dice of life and hope we don't crap out.

After the girls have passed out and the wedding's over, in the filmed version, Derek somehow gets away with threatening Malcolm's "tadger," but here's how it goes in this version:

DEREK

Maybe it's just as well.  Me Mum would be miffed I married an American.

LONDON

I don't think my Mum would love having a daughter-in-law named Starmonkey.

DEREK

Well, my Mum can beat up your Mum.

They mostly kept that middle line, but gave Derek a line about how to treat a bride named Lemon Pledge.  They dropped Derek's line from this version, "Pity.  She [Laverne] would've looked lovely my castle swimming in my moat.

Rather than the girls telling them off and the guys exiting, here London suggests leaving them "a few quid" for bus fare, and they "put some money in the girls' purses, kiss them on the forehead and start out."  Onscreen it would become "dollars" instead of the slang word for "pounds," tucked into Laverne's mouth and Shirley's hand.  And there are no farewell kisses.

Onscreen, London calls Derek "thick as a brush," but here he remarks, "You're right, Derek.  You're not ready for marriage."

Scene D would become the aired tag, although there's actually a dropped tag, which I'll get to next time.

In this version, Ernie tells the girls, "Next time, bring another couple.  With six, you get eggrolls," which became him telling them about another package deal, in a jacuzzi.  But that's the only real change from what would air.

These two scenes definitely offer a more polished and relatively saner version than we got for Act Two of the earlier draft.  They would be further smoothed out by the time of filming.  I think the most significant arc is that we go from the girls being indignant about the guys doping them in the earlier draft, to them just sort of shrugging their shoulders about it here, to filmed Shirley being appalled and Laverne (who's eaten more brownies) not knowing how to feel about it.  At that, the girls do attempt to get married in both this version and the one that aired, but fortuitously they pass out.

Also, while the girls now have bus fare (as opposed to the earlier draft, where it's unclear how they leave Vegas), there is a lack of closure until we see the girls make it safely home.  Stay tuned for what that looks like....

"I Do, I Do" revisited, Scenes A and B

As in the previous script, the waitress is called Fran, although it would be Mary by filming.  Laverne still isn't calling Derek "cute," but that adjective did appear by filming.  "Love, Love, Love" does appear in this version, and Idle and Bishop did write the song, according to the closing credits.  Laverne's line about asking for autographs and tearing their clothes off carried over from the earlier draft.  On the other hand, they dropped Laverne's suggestive previous line "Yeah.  We're the 'fastest' waitresses west of Pasadena."

Derek's last name and weight now matched what would air.  London's weight also matched but he still had his pet peeve of "phoney people."

Derek wanting to buy a castle came up by this version.  Derek's gripe about taxes was changed from "It's not fair.  I don't see the Royal Family cranking out hits like 'Love My Baby' " to "Bloody taxes.  I don't go bothering the Queen for money," and then the royals were left out of his complaint by filming.  And in this version, London calls him "daft."

Edna asking for an autograph for her "niece Edna" carried over from earlier but was thankfully dropped by the airdate.

Other than that, there's not much of note for this Scene A.  So on to Scene B.  We do get full lyrics to "Love, Love, Love."  The girls are no longer in "Hallaballoo type outfits" but now "cocktail dresses."  Therefore, Laverne says, "I think we're a little overdressed," and Shirley replies, "Edna was right about how to meet 'em but wrong about how to dress for 'em."

Laverne does ask Derek if his teeth are capped, but here he replies, "Yes.  And I have little matching coats for them too," which makes them both laugh.

The four of them dancing together was dropped by this point.  On the other hand, by this point they'd added a later notorious stage direction:

LAVERNE PICKS UP A MIRROR ON THE TABLE AND BLOWS POWDER ONTO THE FLOOR.

In this version, Malcolm says "these" brownies rather than "your," and that would be kept for filming.

Shirley nagging Laverne about plucking her eyebrows was added for the filmed version.

Squiggy saying that it's STAB's "business to rub noses with the upper crudes" had been modified to "upper cruds," which makes more sense, but neither made it to air.  Instead of saying they thought the girls were Flatt and Scruggs, as it would become, he here thought they were Jan and Dean, which I prefer.

The boys don't walk into a wall in this version but get onto the coffee table, as they would for filming.  Lenny telling Laverne he likes her, and all of their touching, wasn't in this script either, so yep, I'm going to credit Marshall and McKean.

Squiggy's "monkey" was gone by now and his dialogue with Shirley is like what would air.  The Lenny and Laverne filmed dialogue is mostly there, too.  Someone (probably Lander) added the line about Shirley inheriting Uncle Wolfgang's farm.

Instead of Derek saying they can't have a party on his mum's birthday, he here says, "I'm the one who has to tidy up," and then London tells him, "But you're so good at it," so Derek replies, "Well, I do my best."

In the earlier script, after Shirley says that the rockers don't even have their names straight, Laverne replied, "So.  They wanna change 'em anyway, " which became "So.  Everybody confuses us anyway."  (Do they?  I mean, wasn't that the point of the L's?)

Laverne here tells the guys, "The only thing I had planned this weekend was a trip to the laundromat."

The Cloud Nine kiss is gone and there's just premarital hand-holding.  The very last part of this scene was dropped, as the girls eat more brownies:

SHIRLEY

(BITING INTO ONE) You know, they'd taste much better with a glass of milk.

LAVERNE

Milk!  What a concept.

And that ends Act One.

We can definitely see them approaching the final product, still with some vestiges of the earlier draft but closer.  At the same time, there are things that only appear in this version.  (Well, and maybe some transitional script.)  I have to admit that my curiosity about the cocaine joke is part of what prompted me to get this version of the script.  Well, that and the Lavenny stuff of course.

"I Do, I Do" revisited, introduction

So, as you may recall, the Revised Final Draft of "I Do, I Do" was very different than what aired.  I've now acquired the Rev. Shooting Script, which is from only five days later (Feb. 3, 1981), but as we know by now probably closer to what aired but likely still with noticeable differences.  I'll mostly be comparing this version to what aired, but I will note some changes from the earlier draft.  First though, have some wardrobe notes:

At the time of the earlier draft, the girls' apartment was on the set list, although there was no actual scene in that setting, but it looks like the boys by this point were supposed to show up there, presumably in the Tag (Scene E).  I love the little scarf drawings. 

Also, at the time of the previous version, they had not yet cast Noone (misspelled above) and Idle, but they must've in the meantime, which may or may not have influenced wardrobe.  Poor Stephen Bishop as Malcolm gets no actual wardrobe notes yet, but he'd end up wearing a similar outfit to Eric and Peter.  Mr. Ernie is the minister at the bingo chapel.

"To Tell the Truth," Scenes D and E

INT. GIRLS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

LENNY AND SHIRLEY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, PLAYING CARDS.  LENNY LAYS DOWN HIS HAND, FACE UP.

LENNY

Gin.

SHIRLEY

Yes, that's gin alright [sic].  Too bad we're playing "Go Fish."  (LOOKING OVER HIS CARDS) Do you have any nines, threes, and can I have the three sevens I saw?

LENNY

Yes.

SHIRLEY

Thank you.  I win again.

LENNY

You mean for six hands in a row, I've been playing the wrong game?  And losing?  I guess I am pretty stupid.

All of that opening was dropped, except for Lenny saying he's stupid.

Since Laverne didn't throw the pudding at Shirley in this version, we did not get the exchange about Lenny licking it off.  The girls' sideway hug was also added.

We lost the offscreen closing line of the girls, having gone up to their bedroom, saying, "Lenny, put that away."  Otherwise, the scene is intact.

And here's the missing tag:

INT. GIRLS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

CARMINE, SHIRLEY, LENNY AND LAVERNE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA.  LENNY TAKES A CARD FROM THE PILE OF TRUTH CARDS.

LENNY

Oooh, it's a good thing we stopped playing.  Look what the next card was.

LENNY HANDS THE CARD TO LAVERNE.

LAVERNE

(READING CARD) Who in this room would you like to be the mother of your child?

LAVERNE RIPS UP THE CARD.  THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

I'll get it.

LAVERNE OPENS THE DOOR TO RHONDA, SQUIGGY AND SONNY.  THEY EXCHANGE AWKWARD GREETINGS.

RHONDA

Laverne, would you mind if I get to my apartment through yours?  The rain takes all the bounce out of my hair.

LAVERNE

Be my guest.

SQUIGGY

... And I just love to watch her bounce.

SONNY

(TO LAVERNE) How's my favorite tenant?

ALL THE LIGHTS SUDDENLY GO OUT.  EVERYONE AD-LIBS CONFUSION.

LENNY

(LOUDLY SHOWING OFF) My, isn't it nocturnal in here.

SHIRLEY HAS FOUND A BOX OF CANDLES AND A BOOK OF MATCHES.

SHIRLEY

Don't worry.  Everything's under control.  I always keep candles and matches nearby in case of an emergency.

SHIRLEY PASSES THE UNLIT CANDLES AROUND.  SHIRLEY LIGHTS HER CANDLE AND CROSSES TO SQUIGGY.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(LIGHTING SQUIGGY'S CANDLE) Here Squiggy, I hope we're still friends.

SQUIGGY

I understand.  We all have our bad days.

SQUIGGY CROSSES TO CARMINE.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

(LIGHTING CARMINE'S CANDLE) Here, Big Ragoo.

CARMINE

Thanks, Big Squig.

CARMINE CROSSES TO SONNY.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

(LIGHTING SONNY'S CANDLE) Here's a light, buddy.

SONNY

Thanks, pal.  (KIDDING) If we use these we can save on our electric bill.

CARMINE

Now that's thrifty.

SONNY CROSSES TO LAVERNE.

SONNY

(LIGHTING LAVERNE'S CANDLE) There, now we can see our way to the refrigerator to get us a milk and Pepsi.

LAVERNE

Would it be tactless if I shoved this up your nose?  Just kidding  (KISSES SONNY)

LENNY CROSSES TO RHONDA AND LIGHTS HER CANDLE.

RHONDA

Thanks for the light, Lenny.

LENNY

Rhonda, did you know that the word light is a homonym?

RHONDA

You're so smart, Lenny.

THEY ALL PUT THEIR CANDLES TOGETHER.

SHIRLEY

We're all friends again.

SQUIGGY

If I'm not too ugly in this light.

AS THEY CLINK THEIR CANDLES TOGETHER, WE FREEZE FRAME.

Thoughts:

• It seems cruel for Shirley to play that many rounds without telling Lenny what game they're playing, especially for what turns out to be arguably their sweetest scene together.
• So even with them pushing Sonny/Laverne, Lavenny is alive and well, at least in Lenny's mind.  Laverne still can't handle it.
• Things are so awkward that neither Squiggy nor Rhonda barges in without knocking!  She even asks permission to go through the apartment to her own.
• The rain is half forgotten in the aired episode, but it actually has a payoff here, and not just Rhonda's bounce that Squiggy enjoys.
• Many of the little threads are wrapped up and we definitely get a sense of closure in this tag.  And the candles are a nice symbol.
• I think the episode is one of the strongest of the season, and I'm glad to have gotten two more scenes of it.  But I do appreciate the extra onscreen physical affection, as well as things like the way that Laverne and Squiggy (or maybe Penny and David) joke around.  To tell the truth, this could've led to a different show, had Sonny been able to stick around, but it would still have an impact on the other half dozen characters as the rest of the California years continued.

"To Tell the Truth," Scenes B and C

The scene that opens Act Two is remarkably faithful and ends up being one of the best Laverne & Carmine conversations in the series.  The friendly kiss was not in the script though, nor was their close hug and kiss at the end.  And Laverne's closing line, "Now let's try it with the guitar," was dropped.

So let's move on to an entire scene that was dropped:

INT. LENNY & SQUIGGY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

THE APARTMENT IS WHAT YOU'D EXPECT FROM THE BOYS.  THERE IS ONE BED AND A LAZY-BOY CHAIR.  RHONDA AND SONNY ARE LOOKING AROUND.

RHONDA

I can't believe Lenny and Squiggy actually live here.

SONNY

Yeah, and I hope they never move out.  I could never rent the place again.

SQUIGGY ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.  HE HAS A DAMP TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST.

SQUIGGY

Sorry if I kept you gents waiting, but my brains was in an uproar.

RHONDA

You're not mad at Shirley anymore?

SQUIGGY

A little, but some cold water on the waist and I'm cool as a daisy.

SONNY

I thought you were supposed to put cold water on your wrist.

SQUIGGY

That's just silly superstition.  This is medical fact.  (THEN, INDICATING LAZY-BOY CHAIR) So Rhonda, you look a little tired, and peaked.  Why don't you cop a squat in Lenny's bed here?

RHONDA

Oh, Squiggy, you make Lenny sleep in that chair?

SQUIGGY

He loves it.  His back's been orthopedicized.  (THEN) Listen, instead of the chair maybe you'd be more comfortable on the bed cuddlin' up with yours truly, me.

RHONDA

Thanks, Squiggy, but the chair is fine.

SQUIGGY

So, you think I'm ugly too.

SQUIGGY SULKS.

SONNY

C'mon, Squig.  Rhonda wasn't talkin' about your looks.  She just wanted to try out the chair.

RHONDA

That's right.  You're as handsome as anybody.  Squiggy, stand next to Sonny.

SQUIGGY AND SONNY STAND TOGETHER.

RHONDA (CONT'D)

You two could be twins.

SONNY

Oh, not twins.

SQUIGGY

Identical brothers.

RHONDA

Squiggy, you have big brown eyes just like Sonny, only yours are closer together.

SQUIGGY

You noticed.  It helps me see through narrow buildings.

RHONDA

And look, Sonny has no spit-curl at all.

SONNY

I've tried everything.

RHONDA SITS IN THE CHAIR.

RHONDA

So you see, you are really quite special.

SQUIGGY

And so are you.  (SITS IN RHONDA'S LAP AND CUDDLES UP BABY-LIKE)

SONNY

Are you okay, Rhonda?

RHONDA

So far.

SQUIGGY

Listen, Sonny Boy.  Lenny dropped a nickel down the drain pipe.  If you fetch it, it's yours.

SONNY

Oh, so now you're calling me a cheapskate too.  Look, I'll admit sometimes I'm tight with money.  But when I was a kid we didn't have any.  We had to live on what my gypsy mother made telling fortunes.  (BEAT)  Nobody wants to know when they're gonna die.

SQUIGGY

Gee, I didn't know that.  (TO RHONDA) Is this a hook or a button?

SONNY

Maybe now I'm so careful with money because I don't work that steady myself.

RHONDA

I know exactly how you feel Sonny.  I'm out of work alot [sic].  I'd be cheap too if men didn't buy me everything.

SONNY

Thanks alot [sic again], Rhonda.  I appreciate what you were trying to say.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, you're not half as stuck-up as everyone says you are.

RHONDA

Everyone says that?

SONNY

Yeah.  They do.

RHONDA

(STANDS UP AND SQUIGGY FALLS FROM HER LAP TO THE FLOOR.  HE PICKS HIMSELF UP)  Well, everyone should realize that an actress without self-confidence is an actress without a job.  I have to go into an audition thinking I'm the most beautiful, desirable and... there's one more thing... oh yes, talented actress in the world.  I'm just lucky it happens to be true.  So now do you understand my problem?

SQUIGGY

Could you repeat the question naked?

And we end on "Rhonda's reaction."

I have thoughts:

• Considering how vivid the boys' Burbank apartment would later be revealed as, no, this is not what I'd expect, and that is definitely one of the most lame-ass, no-frills set descriptions I've come across in dozens of scripts.
• And yet, let's stop a moment to savor that the boys have one bed.  Yes, Squiggy says Lenny sleeps in the chair, and gosh knows Lenny canonically demonstrates an ability to fall asleep on less comfortable furniture.  But do we actually believe that they wouldn't share the bed, at least some of the time?  Even if you don't ship them, this should give you pause for thought.
• Oh, the irony of Sonny actually worrying about future tenants, when he's almost out the door himself.
• Oh my, Squiggy enters wearing a damp towel!  I assume that's all he's wearing, not even underwear, though who knows.
• He calls Sonny and Rhonda "gents."
• I assume he was also fresh as a cucumber.
• I can totally picture David L. Lander suggesting Rhonda "cop a squat."
• Then, totally ignoring Sonny, he suggests cuddling with her on the bed!  While he's only wearing a towel.
• It's actually kind of sweet how Rhonda and Sonny try to boost (back) Squiggy's ego, although Sonny has reservations.
• My goodness, I like to think that somewhere out there there is a photo of Lander curled up in Easterbrook's lap!  (Yes, wearing a towel.)  And in this script, Rhonda's kind of into it.
• When Squiggy not so subtly tries to get Sonny to leave them alone, Sonny assumes Squiggy is talking about his cheapness.
• I don't know what to do with Sonny backstory.  Especially this late in the game.
• Squiggy offers a moment of sympathy and then tries to undress Rhonda, who is not resisting.
• Rhonda's sympathy is self-centered, but she tries.
• Then we get Rhonda's (also self-centered) explanation for her behavior, adding a bit more depth to this episode that is already pivotal in her overall arc.
• Squiggy bluntly asks Rhonda to get naked.  God knows what her reaction would've been.
• I think we can see why this scene was dropped (with all that nudity), but it would've been great if at least some of it had been kept.

"To Tell the Truth," Scene A

INT. GIRLS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE.  LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, CARMINE, SONNY, LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM.  LAVERNE AND SONNY ARE DOING HANDSTAND EXERCISE.  SQUIGGY AND LENNY ARE WATCHING.  SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM KITCHEN WITH PUDDING.

LAVERNE

It's bad enough we're stuck inside when it's pouring cats and dogs, but did you have to promise Rhonda we'd play one of Rhonda's dumb theatre games?

SQUIGGY

Don't knock theatre games.  Most of my male education was in the back of a theatre.

SHIRLEY

We're talking about the performing arts, not the balcony of some sleezy [sic] ten-cent peep show.

LAVERNE

I'll take the balcony anyday.

LENNY

Me too.  The best balcony's at the Kitty Kat Theatre.  There's no arms on the seats.

LAVERNE

(TO SONNY) Let's go to the Kitty Kat Theatre.

SONNY

C'mon, Laverne, let's give Rhonda's game a try.  I had a great time playing those games in my acting class.  I actually became a leaf of lettuce.

CARMINE

How'd you do that, put a scoop of tuna on your head?

SONNY

Don't be ridiculous.  I just concentrated on becoming limp.

RHONDA ENTERS, SHE HAS A DECK OF CARDS.

RHONDA

Hi-ho, everybody.  Rhonda's back.

EVERYBODY

Hi-ho.

RHONDA

Sorry I took so long, but Todd called.  He can't pick me up tomorrow night.  Poor guy, his car is in the shop again.  Take my advice, don't ever buy a Rolls Royce.

LAVERNE

Thanks, Rhonda, first thing in the morning I'll cancel my order.

RHONDA

Okay, for this game we need everyone to sit next to each other.

SHIRLEY DIRECTS THEM INTO THEIR SEATS.  EVERYBODY SITS.

That was all replaced by Rhonda's voiceover saying that she's going to have them play a rainy-day game.  So we just see them sitting on the couch and chairs, some of them (especially Lenny) eating pudding.  In the script, Rhonda "notices Laverne & Sonny kissing," so she says, "Laverne."  They dropped this after Rhonda explains how you "win":

LENNY

Sounds boring.

SHIRLEY

Rhonda why don't you go first and show us how it works?

RHONDA

Okay, here goes.  First you stand up and then you read the question.  (PICKING CARD, READING) "Who, in this room, do you think is your best friend?"  That's easy.  It's Laverne.  (SITS)

LAVERNE

Laverne who?

RHONDA

(LAUGHS) That's why we're so close.  We have the same sense of humor.

Instead, Rhonda has Carmine go first onscreen.  

They omitted Squiggy's comment on Lenny's suicide line, "Oh, sure, stick me with all the rent.  Selfish, selfish, selfish."  When Laverne softly says, "Angelface," Shirley originally asked, "What?  Angel fish?"

Squiggy saying that "Andrew" is his "baby name" seems to be another Landerism, as does him reading a card upside-down.  In the script, Shirley suggests that "you gentlemen," meaning Carmine and Sonny, help Rhonda when Squiggy's kissing her, and they both "pull Squiggy off Rhonda."  But onscreen, Sonny instead kisses Laverne.  Rhonda used to have the line, "Guess that's the price of being beautiful," prompting Squiggy's "Thank you."

And when Shirley tells Carmine it's his turn again, he was written to say, "Thank you, Angelfish."  This was omitted after Sonny asks what Carmine's comment about him means:

LAVERNE

Remember the last time you took me out to a nice restaurant?

SONNY

No.

LAVERNE

Neither do I.

CARMINE

See?  You're a cheapskate.

EVERYBODY AD-LIBS "OOO", "LOW BLOW", ETC.

SHIRLEY
Now boys, let's not get nasty.

SONNY

I'm not the one calling people names.

After Rhonda said that they're all growing closer, there was this bit:

SONNY

Yeah.  Closer to killing each other.

RHONDA

C'mon, Lenny, your turn to grow.

LENNY RISES AS IF HE IS GROWING.

SHIRLEY

No.  Take another card.

They added Laverne saying it would be stupid for Shirley to sew L's on her own clothes, because of her name.

In the script, Laverne throws the pudding over the couch, rather than at Shirley, prompting Sonny to protest, "Hey!  That was my pudding."

They dropped the very last line of the scene (and the act), Lenny's "...Sloppy, Grumpy, Lazy... (BEAT)  What happened to Donder and Blitzen?"

Thoughts:

• Squiggy's "male education," oh my!  And Shirley's reply.
• If you needed any more proof that Lenny is a better match for Laverne than Sonny is, Sonny would rather play Rhonda's theatre game than make out in a balcony with Laverne.
• Also, Sonny can become limp on command.
• And he never takes Laverne to a nice restaurant, unlike Lenny.
• But at least he kisses Laverne in both versions of this script.
• And he does have somewhat more of a personality in this version, or at least more lines.
• Todd is another of Rhonda's unseen rich boyfriends.
• Awww, poor deluded Rhonda.  Laverne would indeed become her best friend of those six by Season Eight, but definitely not at this point in the show.
• I wonder if Lander had them drop Squiggy's callousness towards Lenny's possible suicide.
• The "angel fish" thing is mildly funny.
• It's just as well they dropped Lenny's closing line.

"To Tell the Truth," introduction

On January 27, 1981, only three weeks before "To Tell the Truth" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was done.  As always, I expect some changes, especially since this would become the last Sonny episode.  But first, let's look at the cast list and sets, as well as the wardrobe notes:

First of all, the Z in "Kosnowski," which I've mentioned before, was not yet a thing in "Dating Game," but it did show up in the "Road to Burbank" cast list.  (And Penny has picked up an extra E in her name!)  Also, there is surprisingly a scene set in the boys' apartment, presumably with Squiggy and Rhonda and/or Sonny, since we get the pairings of Carmine & Laverne and Lenny & Shirley.

The men's wardrobe is pretty simple this time, since it's just the regular cast and the timespan seems to be one evening.  I don't know what "Made in Shade" means for Sonny, the name of his jeans?

"The Road to Burbank," Scenes J and K

We return to the "girls' apartment - later."  The very beginning was left out:

EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM DRINKING COFFEE.  EDNA IS POURING SOME.

SHIRLEY

Your noses are going to stretch from here back to Nevada.  Right, Laverne?

LAVERNE

(NASAL VOICE) I don't know.  My nose is gone.

Squiggy's line to Carmine, "You seen Shirley in her bunny-like baby suit" became "You've seen Shirley prance around in her bunny-like bathing suit."  Him calling Sonny "a rugged, strong, virus man" became Lenny calling Sonny "a strong, rugged, virgile man."  After Sonny says he'd never chase Laverne around with a plunger on his head, Squiggy commented, "What a cheese-puff," and Lenny (in a spin on the "He's never said 'poof' before" line, which did make it in), observed, "He's never said cheese-puff before."  Onscreen, the boys say Sonny should see a doctor for his "problem."

In the script, Frank calls the boys "bums," which became "guys" for filming.  Lenny's "honest Indian" was the more traditional slur of "honest Injun."

The filmed episode ends as Scene J ends, with Lenny's soft apology to Laverne and yelling apology to Shirley.  But there was an unaired tag.  (Yay?)

It's the same setting, "minutes later":

FRANK IS STANDING BESIDE THE STEPS TALKING TO LAVERNE.

LAVERNE

Thanks for all your help, Pop.

FRANK

You're welcome.  But next time you spend a night in a motel room with a man you better be married.

LAVERNE

What if he says he loves me?

FRANK

You better be married.

EDNA

Come on, Frank.  The "Man From U.N.C.L.E." is on.

LAVERNE

(STARTING DOWN THE STAIRS) Oooo, I can't wait to see what country T.H.R.U.S.H. blows up this week.

AS LAVERNE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM, EVERYONE JUMPS UP, COVERS THEIR MOUTHS, AND RUNS OUT THE KITCHEN DOOR.  LAVERNE CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS.

LAVERNE

Must be a rerun.

Thoughts:

• If a long nose = dishonesty, then Laverne no longer having a nose must make her the most honest person in the room.
• The changes in the boys' dialogue are slight improvements, although Scene J is pretty unsalvageable.  (No hard feelings, really, Frank?  And shut up, Rhonda!  Edna is still the best person in almost any room though.)
• Seriously, Frank, you're going to blame Laverne for going to a motel when she's unmarried?
• In a shocking example of a nonanachronistic reference on the show, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. TV show aired from 1964 to '68.
• I'm admittedly writing this during a pandemic (still!), but if they're worried about catching Laverne's cold, they've probably already been exposed to it, at least via Shirley that day.
• And if they must all run out simultaneously, is there a reason why no one uses the front door, the tunnel, or the balcony?
• While these two scenes are not great, overall I find this script better than what aired.  And at that, I'd probably revise my original B- to a C+ or lower.  I continue to find an empowering message in "The Bully Show" despite my issues with it, but this episode is just a mess, in terms of morals, characterization, and chronology.  A fascinating mess though.  And I'm still curious what earlier drafts looked like.

"The Road to Burbank," Scenes D, E, and H

Scene D is pretty faithful and ends Act One, so let's move on to Act Two, which opens with "continuous action," right where we left off:

SQUIGGY

Ladies and gentlemen, here is the true story of who really wrecked the motel room and how that girl and her sick friend did it.

LENNY

Any questions so far?

EDNA

I have one.  Anybody ready for coffee?

LAVERNE
I'll have tea.

THEY ALL AD-LIB "I AM, I'D LOVE A CUP", ETC.  EDNA STARTS SERVING.

SQUIGGY

Are we finished, Edna?

EDNA

I'm sorry.  I do want to hear this.

SQUIGGY

Very well.  There we were, getting ready for bed, as innocent as little children.

For filming, it became "ladies and gentlemen of the dairy," and "those girls."  The filler with drinks was stripped out, and the "little children" became "little lambs."

After those short two scenes, it's back to the motel.  Laverne's "thank you" in reply to Lenny's "chest cold" line was added.  And it's Squiggy's mother rather than his foster mother who warned him.  Furthermore, not only wasn't Laverne's line to her "hub-a-dub-dub-dub" in the script, but she also originally called them "you boys" rather "you handsome husbands."

This was cut out and replaced by a time-skip:

SHIRLEY

(GETTING SHEET FROM BOYS' BED) I hope this doesn't spoil your fun, but I'd like to hang up a sheet for privacy.  This way you and Lenny won't disturb me and Squiggy.

THE GIRLS HANG THEIR SHEET BETWEEN THE TWO BEDS.

SQUIGGY (O.S.)

I hope I didn't hear what I think I heard.

SHIRLEY

(WHISPERS) Laverne, I just had a terrible thought.  What if they try to treat us with respect?

LAVERNE

(WHISPERS) Who could possibly respect us?

SHIRLEY

(BEAT)  But just to be sure...

SHIRLEY HANDS JEFFREY TO LAVERNE WHO HIDES JEFFREY IN THE GIRLS' BED.

In the script, Squiggy gets Gable and Colbert's names right, but he says the movie was It Happened One Morning.  The girls' Ronnie was originally because of Squiggy's line, "Every American citizen should keep abreast of current events."

Onscreen, Squiggy reluctantly kisses Shirley on the forehead, but here's what it looked like in the script:

And then after Lenny's cold shower line but before Laverne's plan for her and Shirley to talk about how "hot" they are, this was omitted:

LAVERNE

Hey, look what's in my bed.  It's Lenny's Iguana.  [Yes, capitalized.]  Lenny, why don't you come over here and get it?

SQUIGGY

Don't do it, Lenny.  It's a trick.

LENNY

I'm way ahead of you, sir.  Laverne, would you please return Jeffrey to me.  He doesn't like sleeping with strangers.

LAVERNE

Darn, it didn't work.

LAVERNE TOSSES JEFFREY OVER THE SHEET.

Laverne's other pet name, "Lenzoil," was also not in the script.

In this version, Laverne paddles Lenny with the fan blade into the bathroom.  And onscreen she gets the unscripted line telling Lenny not to fight it.  And then there was this:

SHIRLEY STALKS SQUIGGY.  HE PULLS OFF HER BUNNY EARS AND FENDS HER OFF WITH THEM IN THE SHAPE OF A CROSS.

Instead, onscreen he forms a cross with his fingers after she unscripted kisses him and says the "Love me, Baby!" line.  As in Scene C, the lamp does not appear in the script, so we don't have the "boots" dialogue in print.

In parallel to Scene C, Shirley accidentally breaks the window before Squiggy throws the phone out.  Squiggy's "Fie on you!  Alcohol is the liquid of lust" became him saying that champagne is the devil's vodka.

Here's the description of Laverne and Lenny's return:

LAVERNE LEADS LENNY OUT OF THE BATHROOM BY A PLUNGER STUCK ON HIS FOREHEAD.  LENNY IS WRAPPED IN A SHEET LIKE A MUMMY.  LAVERNE IS CARRYING A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM.

Laverne telling Lenny not to fight it comes here, rather than before they exit to the bathroom.   And then:

LAVERNE STALKS LENNY HOLDING UP A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Look what I've got -- whipped cream.  I'm gonna make a Lenny sundae.

LENNY

Stay away from me, Laverne.  I'm eight million calories.

LAVERNE SPRAYS HIM.  HE BACKS INTO THE T.V. KNOCKING IT OFF THE TABLE.

Instead, onscreen Lenny pours a pitcher of water over himself, which further turns Laverne on.  Then he says he's saving himself for Walter Brennan, and Laverne says Brennan is too old for him and not his type.  She deliberately knocks the TV over.

This onscreen kiss, and Lenny's line about being got by "the Bullwinkle" were not in the script, nor was Lenny fainting and Laverne carrying him.  For that matter, Squiggy's "busman's holiday" line was also added for filming.

Onscreen, the scene ends with the boys running from the collapsed beds and into the bathroom, as the girls did in the parallel scene.  So do you think the scripted scene ends with "the boys flipping the girls onto their backs and pinning them" in self-defense?  Uh, not exactly.

I not surprisingly have thoughts:

• My Edna would not casually take drink orders, in someone else's home mind you, if she heard that the boys attacked the girls months ago and she's only discovering this now.
• Even in Squiggy's fantasy, Shirley is the less exhibitionist girl.
• Still, in Squiggy's fantasy, Shirley doesn't want to be treated with "respect" that night.
• There is a consensual kiss between the boys in this script!  I mean, I know people  who would love that (OK, me among them), but IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCRIPT.  Here it makes it seem like the boys aren't interested in the girls because they prefer each other.  Which could be true, but that doesn't seem like something that Squiggy would tell in his version of events.
• Lenny's Iguana again ends up in Laverne's bed.  Sometimes a cigar is not a cigar.
• Jeffrey has a lot of beliefs and preferences for an iguana who's been dead at least six years.
• Shirley loses her bunny ears fairly early on in the filmed scene, but I imagine it'd be hard to form them into a cross without breaking them.
• What is it with this show and mummies?
• On the one hand, where did Laverne get the whipped cream?  And on the other, well, they are traveling in an ice cream truck.
• I don't think it's just the gender reversal that makes this scene, in both versions, come off as much less rapey than Scene C.  It's written and played more as if the boys are trying to be moral and not give in to temptation.  Ending the scene with the girls smothering the boys with kisses (I assume in the canonical pairs, although not necessarily), the viewer would've been left to wonder what happened next.  Again, this is Squiggy's version of events, and the Squiggy of the script is not as innocent a child-lamb as his onscreen counterpart.

"The Road to Burbank," Scenes B and C

Scene B is faithful to the script, so let's move on to Scene C, in a "motel room - night."

That wardrobe note is Squiggy-specific.  Squiggy was supposed to lock the door after he comes in, but I didn't see this.  Also, after the boys' entrance, Shirley had the line, in reference to Laverne saying they were lucky to get a room, "Lucky?  Look at this.  We have to pay again to go to bed."  Squiggy's line about adopting was originally to Lenny, after the girls exit to the bathroom, "Boy is she dumb.  We can always adopt."

This was omitted after Squiggy's line about Shirley seeing him in his "love clothes":

SQUIGGY

...She's gonna melt like bon bons on a hot tin roof.

SHIRLEY (O.S.)

Bite your tongue!

SQUIGGY

Ooo, why don't you bite it for me?

LENNY

(WHISPERS) They can hear us.  Shhh.

LENNY TAKES HIS STUFFED IGUANA, JEFFREY, AND HIDES IT UNDER THE GIRLS' BED SHEETS.  THEY LAUGH SILENTLY AND IMPISHLY.  THE GIRLS ENTER WEARING BATHROBES OVER THEIR PAJAMAS.

LAVERNE

Boy, I hate those little strips of paper across the toilet.  I always feel like I'm breaking in.

THE BOYS START TO UNDRESS.  THE GIRLS NOTICE THIS, GASP AND COVER THEIR EYES.

SHIRLEY

Attention, Lenny and Squiggy.  There are certain things in life that should remain a mystery.

LAVERNE

So, change your clothes in the bathroom or you'll be sleeping on top of a cactus.

LENNY

Let's go, Squig.  I ain't sleeping in the desert.  It's full of lizards, and tigers and bears...

SQUIGGY

Oh, my.

LENNY/SQUIGGY

Lizards and tigers and bears, oh my...

THE BOYS EXIT INTO THE BATHROOM WITH THEIR BEDCLOTHES.  SHIRLEY TAKES THE SHEET OFF THE BOYS' BED.

LAVERNE

Shirl, if you're gonna steal something, take a towel or an ashtray.  They'll catch you with that.

SHIRLEY

No, no, I'd never steal. I'm just hanging it between the beds.  Here, gimme a hand.

THEY START DOING THIS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I saw this in "It Happened One Night."  Claudette Colbert wanted to stop Clark Gable from molesting her.

LAVERNE

Why would she wanna stop Clark Gable?

SHIRLEY

She didn't, really.  It was just a movie.

This was replaced by a time-skip, to when the boys emerge in their "Bullwinkle pajamas" and "love clothes."

After Squiggy's "Africandisiac" line, they had this bit:

SQUIGGY TURNS ON THE T.V.  WE HEAR ROMANTIC, SEXY MUSIC.

LAVERNE

That's not Johnny Carson.

SHIRLEY

And that's certainly not Ed McMahon.

SQUIGGY

But, that's the lady with the animals.

SHIRLEY

That's no lady.

SHE TURNS OFF THE T.V.

Lenny's "Of course no cigar.  That don't come 'till our babies are born" became the more generic (and singular) "Well, of course there's no cigars yet.  That doesn't come 'till the baby's due."  They then added Laverne slapping Lenny and Shirley telling her to not have a "snit" and "wreck her beauty sleep."

They dropped this, after the "horse-thump" exchange:

LAVERNE

Do you feel something in the bed?

SHIRLEY

Like a handbag with teeth?

LAVERNE

Uh, huh.

THE GIRLS SCREAM AND THE BOYS LAUGH.  LAVERNE TURNS ON THE LIGHT AND SEES LENNY'S STUFFED IGUANA, JEFFREY.

SHIRLEY

It's Jeffrey.

LAVERNE

Gimme that lizard.   (THROWS IT OVER THE SHEET TO THE BOYS)  If I see Jeffrey again, I'm gonna send him to Iguana Heaven.

LENNY

No, Laverne.  They don't believe in an after life.

LAVERNE TURNS THE LIGHTS OUT AND EVERYONE LAYS BACK DOWN.  THEY ALL TURN OUT AND SIGH.

In the script, Lenny not only offers to come over and scratch Laverne's itchy lips, but he actually says, "I'm on my way to take you to Heaven."

Squiggy calling Shirley "my pretty" seems to be an adlib that continues the strange Wizard of Oz theme.

As for Lenny, in the script, he doesn't tell Laverne not to fight it, and he doesn't suggest she take a bath.  Instead, without lines, she breaks off one of the fan blades by pulling on the sheet and then, "she starts to threaten Lenny with the blade.  Lenny takes the blade out of her hand and paddles her into the bathroom."

Shirley punching Squiggy in the stomach and almost hitting him with a lamp were not in the script.  She was supposed to accidentally break the window before Squiggy throws the phone out.  Him referring to the police as "coppers" and "flatfeet" sounds like a Lander touch.

When Laverne and Lenny return, he with a plunger on his head, she in the filmed version says the un-Laverne-ish line, "Well, I never," which leads to him telling her to hold still and she'll get the chance.  Here's what's in the script instead:

LENNY

Thanks, Laverne.  My brain needed a flushing.

LAVERNE IS HOLDING A CAN OF AEROSOL SHAVING CREAM, AD-LIBBING THAT IF LENNY TAKES ANOTHER STEP SHE IS GOING TO LET HIM HAVE IT.  HE DOES.  SHE SPRAYS HIM.

Lenny does not grab Laverne and force-kiss her in the script!  He also doesn't pick her up or deliver the line about her being all his.  Therefore, she's not described as fighting him off at this point.  We don't know what they're doing between the time he destroys the TV and Shirley and Squiggy run back in.

Onscreen, the girls flee into the bathroom, but the printed version ends with them "flipping the guys onto their backs and pinning them."

Many, many thoughts:

• The girls being able to overhear the boys explains a bit how Shirley apparently knows what happened when she was not in the room.
• Sometimes an iguana is just an iguana, but yes, it's pretty symbolic that Lenny sneaks it into the girls' bed.
• I assume that the "they" laughing silently and impishly is Lenny and Squiggy, not Lenny and Jeffrey.
• I don't hate the first half of this scene in either version.  I'm OK with the boys being, well, boyish and immature, here even pulling a prank.  I think that if they were starting out like this, the scene didn't have to go in the direction of, admittedly Burlesque, attempted rape.  They could've had the girls explain why they won't put out, and then mishaps happen otherwise, but of course Frank et al. would think the worst months later.  I could see that working, although I know some viewers still wouldn't like it.
• A toilet joke bites the dust, because apparently that would be in poor taste.
• This would've been at least the second time that Lenny started to undress in hopes of group sex with Laverne and Shirley.
• Details have faded, but didn't Shirley have a stolen hotel towel in "A Nun's Story"?
• So the It Happened One Night motif pops up in both Shirley's story and Squiggy's.  Here, it's, well, lampshaded, as Laverne questions why Claudette would bother, and Shirley says it was just a movie.
• I'm not an expert on this, but I'm pretty sure you couldn't watch porn in a motel room in 1965.  But maybe this is just a romantic, sexy movie with, as the line goes in Cindy W's First Nudie Musical, "minor bestiality."
• When I began this project two and half years ago, I did not foresee having to discuss Jeffrey's religious beliefs.  But I think we can say he does not share Lenny's Catholicism.  Of course, we soon after learn what Lenny (in this episode anyway) sees as Heaven.
• OK, I'm going to just say it.  Unlike "The Bully Show" and "Monastery" scripts, this is somehow less problematic than what aired.  I mean, it's problematic, but some of the creepiest moments, especially with Lenny and Laverne, appeared after this script yet by the time of filming.  Except for, of course, him "paddling" her into the bathroom.
• On the other hand, Shirley defends herself more impressively onscreen, except for the end of the scene.  I'm very curious about these differences.
• I may discuss this scene more after we look at the rest of the script, but there you go.  This is what this scene looked like in the pre-shooting phase, and I can't imagine what earlier drafts were like.

"The Road to Burbank," Scene A

They skipped (at least on the DVD cut) everyone singing "For They Are Jolly Good Fellows," as well as Edna's line, "Drink up.  We've got lots of champagne."

After Rhonda first suggests toasting to her career, there was this:

FRANK

And now, a special surprise.  Rosita!

ROSITA ENTERS WITH A PIZZA.

ROSITA

It's a pizza pie!  (YELLS) Yaaah!

RHONDA

What are you so excited about?

ROSITA

Who's excited?  It's hot.

SHIRLEY

It's just like old times at the Pizza Bowl.  All that's missing is the sound of bowlers at play.

SONNY

(SNIFFS)  Do I smell burning fruit?

FRANK

Yeah, that's Pizza California.  It's got avocados, raisins, lettuce.

EDNA

You're lucky.  You should taste his spaghetti and fruit balls.

ROSITA

Coming right up.

ROSITA EXITS TO KITCHEN.

After Carmine tells Frank and Edna that his singing telegram is free, Frank was supposed to say, "Thanks, I'm sure we'll get a lot of use out of it."

The gift of the cowboy hats was supposed to have Frank and Edna putting on the wrong ones, "so that Frank's is too small and Edna's is too big."  Then Edna would say, from inside the hat, "It's beautiful.  What a pretty sweatband."  Then they'd trade hats.  

After all the bottle-breaking, there was this bit:

SONNY SURVEYS THE MESS.

SHIRLEY

Boy, that cracked me up!

SONNY

I guess my gift was a smashing success.

Lenny's "Why, thank you," after Rosita remarks on "you DeFazios" throwing a wild party, seems to be a McKean adlib.

Chuck Malone is described as "a man in a cheap suit," although it doesn't look that bad.

They dropped Lenny asking of hypothetical pictures of the stay in the motel, "Do you have wallet size?"

This was omitted:

TAKING A LOOK AROUND AT THE MESS FROM THE BOTTLE FIGHT.

CHUCK

Looks like I got the right people.  This letter is for all of you.  (READS LETTER QUICKLY) The Royal Cactus Motel, herein referred to as the party of the first part, requests forthright restitution for damages sustained unto above-mentioned premise from the Squigmanns and the Kosnowskis, herein referred to as the party of the second part, as stated in the attached bill of particulars.  Should the party of the second part fail to make restitution to the party of the first part, the party of the first part shall seek punitive damages from the party of the second part.

SHIRLEY/LENNY/SQUIGGY

Huh?

Thoughts:

• The stuff about the Pizza Bowl is sort of bittersweet.
• The Pizza California joke is meh, like much of the omitted dialogue.
• The spaghetti and fruit balls do appear later in the filmed scene, without any leadup.  Having Frank's wife refer to them as "his" balls, which the others should taste, is a little unsettling.
• I do like Frank throwing shade at one of Carmine's pathetic singing telegrams.
• Shirley and Sonny trade feeble puns, but at least it's a gesture towards giving him a personality.
• I think they're trying for some parody of legal jargon with Chuck's skipped letter, but it's actually pretty straightforward, especially compared to a similar scene in the Marx Brothers' A Night at the Opera.
• This comes up in both versions of the script, but why doesn't Shirley immediately blame the boys, if her version of events in the motel is supposed to be the truth?  For that matter, if the boys are guilty of attempted rape, why did the girls continue to travel with them, and continue to be friends with them?  I still maintain that neither her version nor Squiggy's is the truth.  I'll probably get back to this as I go through later scenes.