"The Road to Burbank," Scenes D, E, and H

Scene D is pretty faithful and ends Act One, so let's move on to Act Two, which opens with "continuous action," right where we left off:

SQUIGGY

Ladies and gentlemen, here is the true story of who really wrecked the motel room and how that girl and her sick friend did it.

LENNY

Any questions so far?

EDNA

I have one.  Anybody ready for coffee?

LAVERNE
I'll have tea.

THEY ALL AD-LIB "I AM, I'D LOVE A CUP", ETC.  EDNA STARTS SERVING.

SQUIGGY

Are we finished, Edna?

EDNA

I'm sorry.  I do want to hear this.

SQUIGGY

Very well.  There we were, getting ready for bed, as innocent as little children.

For filming, it became "ladies and gentlemen of the dairy," and "those girls."  The filler with drinks was stripped out, and the "little children" became "little lambs."

After those short two scenes, it's back to the motel.  Laverne's "thank you" in reply to Lenny's "chest cold" line was added.  And it's Squiggy's mother rather than his foster mother who warned him.  Furthermore, not only wasn't Laverne's line to her "hub-a-dub-dub-dub" in the script, but she also originally called them "you boys" rather "you handsome husbands."

This was cut out and replaced by a time-skip:

SHIRLEY

(GETTING SHEET FROM BOYS' BED) I hope this doesn't spoil your fun, but I'd like to hang up a sheet for privacy.  This way you and Lenny won't disturb me and Squiggy.

THE GIRLS HANG THEIR SHEET BETWEEN THE TWO BEDS.

SQUIGGY (O.S.)

I hope I didn't hear what I think I heard.

SHIRLEY

(WHISPERS) Laverne, I just had a terrible thought.  What if they try to treat us with respect?

LAVERNE

(WHISPERS) Who could possibly respect us?

SHIRLEY

(BEAT)  But just to be sure...

SHIRLEY HANDS JEFFREY TO LAVERNE WHO HIDES JEFFREY IN THE GIRLS' BED.

In the script, Squiggy gets Gable and Colbert's names right, but he says the movie was It Happened One Morning.  The girls' Ronnie was originally because of Squiggy's line, "Every American citizen should keep abreast of current events."

Onscreen, Squiggy reluctantly kisses Shirley on the forehead, but here's what it looked like in the script:

And then after Lenny's cold shower line but before Laverne's plan for her and Shirley to talk about how "hot" they are, this was omitted:

LAVERNE

Hey, look what's in my bed.  It's Lenny's Iguana.  [Yes, capitalized.]  Lenny, why don't you come over here and get it?

SQUIGGY

Don't do it, Lenny.  It's a trick.

LENNY

I'm way ahead of you, sir.  Laverne, would you please return Jeffrey to me.  He doesn't like sleeping with strangers.

LAVERNE

Darn, it didn't work.

LAVERNE TOSSES JEFFREY OVER THE SHEET.

Laverne's other pet name, "Lenzoil," was also not in the script.

In this version, Laverne paddles Lenny with the fan blade into the bathroom.  And onscreen she gets the unscripted line telling Lenny not to fight it.  And then there was this:

SHIRLEY STALKS SQUIGGY.  HE PULLS OFF HER BUNNY EARS AND FENDS HER OFF WITH THEM IN THE SHAPE OF A CROSS.

Instead, onscreen he forms a cross with his fingers after she unscripted kisses him and says the "Love me, Baby!" line.  As in Scene C, the lamp does not appear in the script, so we don't have the "boots" dialogue in print.

In parallel to Scene C, Shirley accidentally breaks the window before Squiggy throws the phone out.  Squiggy's "Fie on you!  Alcohol is the liquid of lust" became him saying that champagne is the devil's vodka.

Here's the description of Laverne and Lenny's return:

LAVERNE LEADS LENNY OUT OF THE BATHROOM BY A PLUNGER STUCK ON HIS FOREHEAD.  LENNY IS WRAPPED IN A SHEET LIKE A MUMMY.  LAVERNE IS CARRYING A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM.

Laverne telling Lenny not to fight it comes here, rather than before they exit to the bathroom.   And then:

LAVERNE STALKS LENNY HOLDING UP A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Look what I've got -- whipped cream.  I'm gonna make a Lenny sundae.

LENNY

Stay away from me, Laverne.  I'm eight million calories.

LAVERNE SPRAYS HIM.  HE BACKS INTO THE T.V. KNOCKING IT OFF THE TABLE.

Instead, onscreen Lenny pours a pitcher of water over himself, which further turns Laverne on.  Then he says he's saving himself for Walter Brennan, and Laverne says Brennan is too old for him and not his type.  She deliberately knocks the TV over.

This onscreen kiss, and Lenny's line about being got by "the Bullwinkle" were not in the script, nor was Lenny fainting and Laverne carrying him.  For that matter, Squiggy's "busman's holiday" line was also added for filming.

Onscreen, the scene ends with the boys running from the collapsed beds and into the bathroom, as the girls did in the parallel scene.  So do you think the scripted scene ends with "the boys flipping the girls onto their backs and pinning them" in self-defense?  Uh, not exactly.

I not surprisingly have thoughts:

• My Edna would not casually take drink orders, in someone else's home mind you, if she heard that the boys attacked the girls months ago and she's only discovering this now.
• Even in Squiggy's fantasy, Shirley is the less exhibitionist girl.
• Still, in Squiggy's fantasy, Shirley doesn't want to be treated with "respect" that night.
• There is a consensual kiss between the boys in this script!  I mean, I know people  who would love that (OK, me among them), but IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCRIPT.  Here it makes it seem like the boys aren't interested in the girls because they prefer each other.  Which could be true, but that doesn't seem like something that Squiggy would tell in his version of events.
• Lenny's Iguana again ends up in Laverne's bed.  Sometimes a cigar is not a cigar.
• Jeffrey has a lot of beliefs and preferences for an iguana who's been dead at least six years.
• Shirley loses her bunny ears fairly early on in the filmed scene, but I imagine it'd be hard to form them into a cross without breaking them.
• What is it with this show and mummies?
• On the one hand, where did Laverne get the whipped cream?  And on the other, well, they are traveling in an ice cream truck.
• I don't think it's just the gender reversal that makes this scene, in both versions, come off as much less rapey than Scene C.  It's written and played more as if the boys are trying to be moral and not give in to temptation.  Ending the scene with the girls smothering the boys with kisses (I assume in the canonical pairs, although not necessarily), the viewer would've been left to wonder what happened next.  Again, this is Squiggy's version of events, and the Squiggy of the script is not as innocent a child-lamb as his onscreen counterpart.