"Perfidy in Blue," Scene D

The same setting as in Scene B.

FRITZ, CHARLENE, LEONARDO AND SQVEN ARE THERE, DRESSED IN FORMAL ATTIRE.  CHARLENE IS CARRYING THE BLUE PURSE.  RHODA, IN HER SEXY MAID'S OUTFIT, IS SERVING DRINKS.  FRITZ CROSSES TO SQVEN, SLAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.

FRITZ

Well, they said it couldn't be done, but we did it.

SQVEN

Yep.  We did it.  Didn't we, dad?  What did we do?

FRITZ

We merged IHOP, and IBM.  [I'm sorry to harp on about the typist all the time, but what is that comma doing there?]

SQVEN

Ah yes.  And now we're only molecules away from producing the first self-correcting pancake.

FRITZ

Yeah, but they still taste like ink.

SQVEN

I'll go work on it.

SQVEN EXITS.

RHODA APPROACHES WITH TRAY OF DRINKS.

RHODA

More wine, Monsieurs Bubbleneck?

FRITZ

No.  Now I want a young Beaujolais.

RHODA AND FRITZ EXIT TOGETHER.

This was all left out (thankfully in Froda's case), and the scene onscreen begins with Sharlene and Leonardo discussing the plan.  The very Lenny term of endearment "My Darling" was added.

Some more musical notes (pun sort of intended):

The next part made it in intact, but then we lost Lu Anne and Leonardo actually talking directly to each other:

LU ANNE

(TO LEONARDO) A lot of weather we're having, huh?

LEONARDO

I don't know.  The inside of a Buick is pretty much the same all year.

Sqven's line as he enters with the pancakes (which makes a little more sense with the setup) was originally, "I got the taste out but forgot about backspacing," and the narrator did not interject that Sqven is an idiot.

Sqven's "Oh, I love those rhymes" sounds like an ad-lib.  And there was supposed to be one more rhyme to close out the scene, but as you can see, it was replaced with the more down-to-earth Laverne-like line that would air:

It would've been nice to have one of the strangest father-son-like exchanges between Frank and Squiggy, but if it means less Frank/Rhonda, I'm fine with that.

"Perfidy in Blue," Scene C

We go to Drugs-Are-Us, "later that day," even though it was night in Scene B.

A SMALL, SHABBY-LOOKING DRUGSTORE THAT SHOULD STOCK PORNO MAGAZINES, BUT DOESN'T.  LU ANNE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A MOUTHWASH DISPLAY, HOLDING ONE OF THE BOTTLES, FROM SEEMINGLY OUT OF NOWHERE, CARLISLE APPEARS.

For the filming, it looks more like a mad scientist's lab.  Here's the dialogue that got omitted at the start:

CARLISLE

(CHEERFULLY) Huh, uh, uh, don't squeeze the mouthwash.

LU ANNE

I'm sorry.  It's so hard to resist.

CARLISLE

How may I drug you?  A little pharmacist humor.

LU ANNE PUTS BOTTLE DOWN, CARLISLE BEGINS SQUEEZING BOTTLE.

The rest of the scene is like in the script, except Carmine's line about Lu Anne being touchy was added.  And, yes, that's a "Ladies, please don't squeeze the Charmin" reference, to go with the other TV ads alluded to in this scene.

"Laverne & Shirley": The Collector's Edition, Volume Ten

This volume is called "Getting Better" and the theme seems to be "self-improvement."  Here's the introduction:  "Laverne and Shirley, determined to make all their dreams come true, are always on a self-improvement kick in one way or another.  The Los Angeles Times put it this way: 'Shirley is something of a dreamer of better things in life, whose dreams are usually shot down by her practical roommate, Laverne.'  Yet, the best friends jump at any chance and break any rule to make their dreams come true in their own unique, hysterical way."  Was the blurber paid by the word?

First up is Season Three's "Driving Test," described like this: "When Squiggy is in danger of losing his job as a truck driver at the Shotz Brewery unless he passes a written exam, Laverne and Shirley help him cram--against all odds.  Notes: In this episode, Squiggy gives his classic answer to the question, 'You are following a school bus that stops to let off passengers.  What do you do?' "  Uh, yeah, "classic" is one word for it. 

The Stay Tuned is the boys' "Or else" exchange.  This episode technically isn't about the girls' self-improvement, but as it's the best episode on the cassette, I don't mind.

Then from Season Four, it's "Laverne and Shirley Go to Night School," which is pretty self-explanatory, but the blurber's gotta earn his or her keep, so: "When Laverne and Shirley enroll in a night school class in anatomy, they get all tangled up with a cantankerous old teacher and the classroom skeleton.  Notes: The incomparable Hans Conreid (Mr. Wilmer) starred as Uncle Tanoose on The Danny Thomas Show, the voice of Snidely Whiplash on Dudley Do Right, and Wrongway Feldman on Gilligan's Island."  Actually, it's "Wilner," with an N.

The Stay Tuned is "Hi, I'm Shirley.  Laverne and I will be right back."

Next we get Season Five's "Fat City Holiday," which is "When Laverne and Shirley try to wrangle a free vacation by becoming weight-loss counselors at a fat farm, they find so little food at the Pounds of Gold Health Spa that they sneak out to buy food from a mysterious pair of black market produce profiteers, who unbeknownst to them are Lenny and Squiggy.  Notes: Susan Kellerman (Bambi) played Latka Gravas's mother on Taxi.

The Stay Tuned is Laverne's "Stick around for more Laverne & Shirley."

And to finish out the collection, we have Season Eight's "Jinxed," because no one gave a $#!& about putting this assemblage together:  "When Laverne, having fallen prey to several odd accidents, convinces herself that she is jinxed, her friends, in an attempt to help her, send a gypsy woman, complete with a crystal ball, to help her get rid of her bad luck.  Note: Carol Kane (Madam Olga) starred as Simka Gravas on Taxi.  Charles Fleisher [again sic] (Chuck) provided the voice of Roger Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"  Uh, Laverne doesn't think she's jinxed; her friends do, and then attempt to help her by helping her.

The Stay Tuned is that insecure "Don't go away, we'll be right back.  Really" that Laverne was stuck with in the final season.

Gotta admit it's getting better (can't get no worse)

"Perfidy in Blue," Scene B

It's the girls' apartment at night, but....

THE APARTMENT HAS BEEN REDRESSED TO LOOK LIKE THE DINING ROOM OF A LARGE MANSION.

"Fritz's" line "Hey, where is everybody?  I've said grace ten times already" was omitted.  Note that in this version of the script (unlike the close-captioning), Shirley's dream-name is spelled with a C rather than an S.  The narrator's line "What an idiot" was added.

After "Lu Anne's" entrance and introduction, this was left out:

SQVEN

Lu Anne, take a letter.

LU ANNE TAKES OUT A STENO PAD, CARESSING HIM THROUGH OUT [sic].

LU ANNE

I'll take anything you got.

SQVEN

You got it.  (BEAT; DICTATING) Dear Wall Street Journal: please cancel my subscription.  I was astounded that you don't carry Alley Oop.  So there.  Sincerely, Sqven, don't-call-me-Golly, Baublenik.  (TO LU ANNE) I want it tonight.

LU ANNE

You'll get it tonight.

Instead, onscreen Lu Anne pushes Charlene's face into the soup bowl and kisses Sqven.

"Leonardo" and Charlene were supposed to kiss after he announces that he bought a new car.

Instead of Fritz's generic pancake-restaurant intro earlier in the scene, this is what happens after Leonardo says, "Thank you.  Missy":

ANGLE ON:

FRITZ DRINKING A BOWL OF SOUP BY HOLDING THE BOWL TO HIS FACE.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Fritz Baublenik defied the odds and turned a six table IHOP into a vast corporate empire.

FRITZ

Pass the money.

LU ANNE HANDS FRITZ A SILVER TRAY BRIMMING WITH CASH.  FRITZ TAKES A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL AND WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH IT.

FRITZ (CONT'D)

Thanks.

In what may well be in the Top Ten of brain-bleach-worthy stage directions of the series, we thankfully lost "As Rhonda [sic] pours wine for those whose glasses are empty, Fritz Ronnies."

After Fritz's "lovebirds" line, there was this stage direction, "Everybody looks at each other for a beat, not sure who Fritz is talking about.  We see close ups of a series of eyes until two eyes cross."  Instead we got Leonardo and Charlene holding hands and looking longingly at each other, while Lu Anne and Sqven just full on smooch at the dinner table!

After Fritz's line about showing Rhoda where she forgot to dust, the narrator was supposed to say, "Yes, once again Fritz Baublenik will attempt to defy the odds."

In case you're curious, Sqven's original line was "Once, in an airport," and I'm just going to credit Lander for the perfect addition of "in Tacoma."

And here's the stage direction that leads to the biggest Shirlenny makeout in the history of the series, "Charlene spreads her arms in despair.  Leonardo walks right into them and Charlene closes her arms around him."  The simple stage direction "They kiss" follows his "piano" line, with no mention of him lavishing attention on her hand.

After Charlene shares her suspicions of Sqven's affair with Lu Anne, Leonardo was supposed to say, "I had no idea."

In the script, Charlene calls Leonardo "my silly goose" rather than "my jelly bean."  This was omitted after Charlene reveals her plan:

LU ANNE

Where was that?

CHARLENE

Drugs-Are-Us, right next to Carpets-Are-Them.

LU ANNE

(WRITING) Thank you.

Instead, we get Lu Anne mouthing the words as she writes, while Leonardo and Charlene smooch again.

I should note that a lot of the slapstick with Charlene (accidentally?) injuring Leonardo was added.  And, yes, the line was originally "Once in a bus station," with no mention of Tacoma.  On the other hand, Lu Anne asks the momentarily empty room in the script, "What can you do in a bus station that you can't do in an airport?"

The exchange between Sqven and Lu Anne before he "jumps in her arms" and "they kiss" was originally just his "Oh, darling."  They were supposed to kiss again after he asks, "What are you talking about?  I'm here."

Instead of Sqven saying he "can't come up with a thing" for their plan and then the music and his pose suggesting otherwise, well, there was this (with a note written by whoever had this script before it became a PDF):

 

Instead of the narrator asking, "What evil lurks behind Lu Anne's lips?" as she kisses Sqven, there was this to close out the scene:

LU ANNE

I love my work.

SQVEN

I'm an equal opportunity employer.

THEY RESUME KISS.

Some thoughts:

• This is the funniest and strangest episode of a mostly forgettable season.  Yes, stranger than "That's Entertainment," although here it is Shirley's far from demure subconscious imagining most of this rather than, you know, Frank wanting to see Carmine shirtless.  I'd love to see what earlier drafts looked like, but already we can see that there were changes between "revised shooting script" and what would air in May.
• I feel like the lines are generally more suggestive in the script, while the flirtation and affection are stronger than scripted.  The two swapped couples are scripted to kiss, not make out, repeatedly!
• Of course, Lu Anne caressing Sqven while taking down his letter would've been a challenge for her.
• What does that mean "I had no idea"?  Is Leonardo stupid, naive, half-blind?  How could he miss Sqven and Lu Ann's affair?  Or is he so distracted by his own affair with Charlene he missed it?  True, he enters the room after the caressing stenography but, as the script and episode make clear later, the S/LA affair has been going on for years!
• Were they afraid IHOP would sue?
• Fritz's table manners are worse in the script.
• Also, much as I might've liked to see Phil Foster bite his hand, I'd rather that it not be in the service of an incestuous Fronda ship (or I guess it's "Froda" here).  And I assume that Fritz "defying the odds" with Rhoda is some sort of potency joke.
• I know it's a dream, as well as a soap-opera parody, so I shouldn't be looking for logic here, but  why does Charlene not question Lu Anne asking for directions to the drugstore?  For that matter, how does Shirley know what goes on in the room after Charlene leaves?
• Based on Michael and Penny's reactions, I still think David either ad-libbed on the spot or at some point punched up Sqven's dialogue, because it is funnier than in the script, not that it's bad in the script.
• I'm not sure, but I think that the script was saying Sqven was impotent or infertile, rather than, as onscreen, that kissing Lu Anne's evil lips gave him an erection.

More surprises ahead....

"Perfidy in Blue," Scene A

As we've seen by now, just because it's the Revised Shooting Script does not mean that there would not be changes.  So let's take a lot at Laurie Gelman's version of "Perfidy in Blue" as of January 12, 1982.

We begin in the girls' bedroom at night.  This scene is very close to what to aired, although Shirley calling Carmine "Honey" and "Sweetie" on the phone was added.  And continuing Season Seven's trend of more prominence for Boo Boo Kitty, Shirley was supposed to confide her fears to BBK.

"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scene K

Like Scene A, the tag was filmed on 1-26-82, presumably so Cindy could go on her honeymoon:

FRANK, CARMINE AND SQUIGGY ARE MILLING ABOUT THE COFFEE TABLE.  THE TABLE IS COVERED WITH ALL THE STOLEN GOODS THAT CJ PROMISED TO RETURN.  FRANK IS HOLDING A CAKE.

FRANK

The girls are gonna be so happy to see their stuff back.  CJ even baked an Angel food cake.

FRANK DROPS THE CAKE ON THE TABLE.  IT LANDS LIKE A ROCK.

SQUIGGY

I bet the girls are gonna reward us for bravery beyond the call of nature.

CARMINE

I know how Shirley rewards me.

SQUIGGY

I know how Laverne rewards everyone.

FRANK

Hey I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

This turned into the three men sitting in the living room and wondering how to explain the shot painting.

THE GIRLS ENTER.  THEY ARE BOTH EXTREMELY SUNBURNT.  THEY WALK STIFFLY INTO THE ROOM.

CARMINE

Hey, girls, look.  We solved the case.

FRANK

All your stuff is back.

FRANK POINTS TO THE STOLEN GOODS.  THE GIRLS START MAKING THEIR WAY UP TO THE BEDROOM.

The girls' dialogue made it in, the only part of this scene that did.

SQUIGGY

Cake anyone.

FRANK AND CARMINE AGREE.

I have some questions:

• Who the hell is CJ?  If a carryover from an earlier draft (this is the revised final draft), why didn't they edit that out?  And does this mean that they shot this scene and then had to redo it at the time of the rest of the episode?  What about Scene A?
• If this scene is a carryover from an earlier version, did the guys trash the place or was that something that came along in the middle phase of writing?
• How did Aidekman and LeRose miss the Flanderization memo on frigid!Shirley if they took easy!Laverne so seriously?  And does this mean Squiggy is hoping to get something off Laverne?
• Cake, anyone?

Of all the scripts I've looked at, none of them, not even "Not Quite South of the Border," were so doggedly (yes, pun intended) turned into a less funny episode.  I mean, I like what I assume are Lander's additional Squiggisms of course, but there's a cartoony, zany zest to this script that would've been welcome in the California years.  OK, so some of it may've been unfilmable, but why dump some of the actually funny dialogue for in some cases something much blander?

Luckily, Season Seven did not end here.  A script that was actually written back on January 12th landed on the airwaves four months after that and will be our next stop on this strange journey.

"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scenes H and J

These scenes sort of got flip-flopped, so I'll discuss them together.  H is still set in the girls' apartment, but "later":

CARMINE AND FRANK AND SQUIGGY ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE OPEN REFRIGERATOR.

FRANK

Look what they got to eat, ice cubes and melted ice cubes.

SQUIGGY

They got a pear in there.

CARMINE

That's the lightbulb, Squig.

SQUIGGY

I know that.  Who ever heard of a 40 watt pear?

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE KITCHEN DOOR.

FRANK

It's him.  He's probably knocking to see if anybody's home.  Everybody hide!

FRANK DUCKS BEHIND THE STOVE.  CARMINE JUMPS ON THE COUNTERTOP BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR.  SQUIGGY LOOKS AROUND AND HIDES IN THE BROOM CLOSET, TAKING TRISCUITS (OR WHATEVER) WITH HIM.  AFTER A BEAT, HE EMERGES, GRABS SOME MILK FROM THE REFRIGERATOR, AND AGAIN DISAPPEARS INTO THE CLOSET, LEAVING THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPEN.  THEN A MAN STEPS INTO DOORWAY FRAME, SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE WELL-LIT BACK.

Instead, the man was filmed entering the front door, and so the guys are hiding over there, although Squiggy is the one in a closet.  Carmine is the one to try to jump the man in both, but the guys were a lot more destructive in the script:

CARMINE COMES OUT AND LEAPS AT THE MAN.  THE MAN DUCKS, CARMINE LANDS ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE AND SMASHES IT.  FRANK, SQUIGGY AND CARMINE GRAB THE MAN AND THEIR STRUGGLE DESTROYS THE KITCHEN TAKING OFF THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND BREAKING CHAIRS.

On the other hand, in the script Frank does not pull a gun on a priest.  The dialogue is similar in both, although the "milk baths" line and the "economical conference" sound like Landerian ad-libs.  Carmine scolding the man is similar in both, although the stage direction says Carmine is "abhorred," rather than, you know, "appalled" or "aghast."  (Then again, Carmine is abhorred in some circles, so shrug.)

Rather than asking the man to name the "ten condiments," Squiggy's scripted line was "A likely story.  I'll bet he's the one who was dressed up as like a dog.  Admit it, Rover.  This isn't the first time you've set paw in this apartment, is it?"

Since Scene J was moved in front of this scene, the filmed version has the priest belatedly react to Rhonda hanging from a net.  Here's how the last part of Scene H used to go, after Frank (who of course doesn't apologize for pulling a gun on him) says they thought the priest was a burglar:

PRIEST

So you decided to destroy everything in your apartment before I could steal it?

CARMINE

Oh, we don't live here.

PRIEST

(EXITING) You don't live here?  (BACKING OUT) Bless you, bless you, my sons.  (TO CARMINE) Make that 40 Hail Marys.

PRIEST IS OUT.

SQUIGGY

I still think it's the dog.  I'm gonna watch him and see if he stops at a tree.

The priest's exit is similar on air, but after he realizes that none of them are Shirley Feeney.

So, Scene J is still in the apartment at night:

IT IS TOTALLY DARK.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)

If this guy doesn't hurry up and burgle soon, I'm gonna steal something, you catch me and we can all go home.

CARMINE (V.O.)

Shh!  I just heard footsteps.

THE DOOR OPENS.  A FIGURE ENTERS.  A SCUFFLE ENSUES AS FRANK, CARMINE AND SQUIGGY ATTACK THE INTRUDER.  WE HEAR A CRASH, THEN:

SQUIGGY (V.O.)

I got him by the hair.

FRANK (V.O.)

That's my moustache, you jerk!

CARMINE (V.O.)

Ow!  This guy's tough!

THE FREE-FOR-ALL CONTINUES BUT NOT FOR LONG.  RHONDA TURNS THE LIGHT ON.  SHE HAS PINNED FRANK, CARMINE AND SQUIGGY TO THE FLOOR.  ANYTHING THAT WAS STANDING BEFORE IS NOW BROKEN INCLUDING THE STEREO THAT RHONDA WAS CARRYING.

CARMINE

Rhonda?!

SQUIGGY

Rhonda, close the lights and let's go two outta three.

RHONDA

Get up.

SQUIGGY

I like the view from here better.

FRANK

Now that you've knocked me down, help me up.

SHE DOES.

On the episode, this became Rhonda getting caught in the net and Squiggy liking her in that position.  In the script, when he accuses her of stealing the stereo, he calls her Rover.  With Frank onscreen suspecting her as well, the priest knocks and they just leave her up there so they can do a version of Scene H.  Rhonda's explanation about borrowing and breaking the stereo was delayed until after the priest exits.  We lost Rhonda's line "What's going on here?  When Armondo said Rhonda made the earth move, I had no idea it moved this far," I think in reference to the wrecked apartment.

Squiggy's explanation of why he took the green stamps, cake, and blankets made it in, although I have to note that the original version of Lenny "finding the smell of wet wool pleasurable" was "Lenny likes the way they [blankets] smell when they're wet," which isn't as memorable.

And they omitted Rhonda's exit line "This is all too much for Rhonda.  I'm going back to Armondo.  I don't want him to have any aftershocks without me."  Instead, Rhonda onscreen sticks around to congratulate the men on solving the case of the Burbank Burglar.  And Frank of course doesn't shoot his daughter's portrait in the script.

Onscreen, we got the cops bursting in as Squiggy jumps into Rhonda's arms and kisses her.  Here's how it went in the script:

AT THAT MOMENT [after Carmine, rather than Frank, talks about "citizens banding together to fight crime"] TWO POLICEMEN BURST THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

POLICE #1

Freeze.  You're under arrest.  Assume the position.

FRANK AND CARMINE ASSUME A HANDS UP POSITION.  SQUIGGY ASSUMES A SILLY BALLET POSITION.

POLICE #1 (CONT'D)

We were stopped by a priest telling us there was a burglary in progress and it looks like he was right.

FRANK/CARMINE

We can explain, we can explain.

SQUIGGY

No.  Let me.  The priest is lying.  He's really a dog dressed as a priest.

THE POLICE BEGIN HANDCUFFING THEM AND LEADING THEM OUT.

FRANK

You had to let him open his mouth.

The scene and act end on them "babbling out."

Well, you can't say that Aidekman and LeRose didn't provide plenty of physical humor.  And it's interesting that, rather than go with all three men demolishing the apartment, the episode instead became a lecture on gun safety.  Other thoughts:

• The girls have nothing in the fridge but ice cubes and a light bulb, but Squiggy still manages to mooch (including on "Triscuits or whatever").
• The guys are not especially good at capturing anyone but each other in this version, although they certainly try.
• There are times this script seems to be trying for Marx Brothers style absurdity and slapstick, and Squiggy's plan to burgle something so they can catch him is not unlike something Chico would say in Animal Crackers.
• You gotta admit, Rhonda pinning all three men is impressive.  I have no idea how she also manages to turn on the light, unless she is near a lamp or something.
• Squiggy of course enjoys being pinned by Rhonda.
• Earthquakes are often mistaken for orgasms on this series, and vice versa.
• This Squiggy won't let go of his dog theory.  He's like, um, a dog with a bone.
• I do not envy the girls coming home to their wrecked apartment.

"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scene E

We're still in the girls' apartment with continuous action.  This opening scene of Act Two is nowhere to be found in what aired, so I'll quote it in full:

THE BOYS AND FRANK PEEK FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN, ONE HEAD ON TOP OF THE OTHER.

FRANK

Let's get him!

THEY JUMP FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN, TEARING IT AS THEY RUN.  THEY LEAP FOR THE INTRUDER, BREAKING A LAMP AND A TABLE AS THE SCUFFLE ENSUES.

CARMINE

I got a leg.

FRANK

I got a leg.

SQUIGGY

I got a leg.

CARMINE

I got a tail?

FRANK TURNS ON THE LIGHTS TO REVEAL A SCRAWNY DOG IN THE GRIPS OF SQUIGGY AND CARMINE.

FRANK

It's only a dog.

SQUIGGY

Sure, that's what he wants you to think.  Just let me handle this.

SQUIGGY PICKS UP THE DOG AND THROWS HIM ON THE COUCH.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Okay, spill your guts.  What's your name?  Not talkin', huh?  Well, two can play that game.

SQUIGGY CROSSES HIS ARMS AND REFUSES TO TALK.

CARMINE

Squiggy, it's a dog.

SQUIGGY

Wake up, Carmine.  Where have you been all your life?  Haven't you heard of a cat burglar in a dog suit?

SQUIGGY STARTS TO PULL AT THE DOG.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

All right, off with the costume, buster.

THE DOG BARKS.

FRANK

(TO CARMINE) Maybe Squiggy hit his head on the ceiling.

CARMINE

Looks like he's acting normal to me.

FRANK

Squiggy, you're getting carried away.

SQUIGGY

Oh, really?  He doesn't even have name tags.  Obviously a pro.

FRANK

Squiggy, why would a dog steal a stereo?

CARMINE

Maybe he wants to hear his master's voice.

SQUIGGY

So, we got a motive, we got opportunity...

FRANK

(SCRATCHING) And we got fleas.  Get the dog out.

DOG LEAVES.

SQUIGGY

You bleeding heart liberals.  You've let a common criminal back out on the streets.  If he does any more harm it's on your head.

CARMINE

No.  It's on your shoes.

Well, I mean, you can see why they cut this scene.  They would need a highly trained stunt-dog to pull all this off.  And I love that the dog just leaves when Frank wants it to.  There's really no way this could've been filmed, although I could see it working as a Harry Lucey Archies comic of the '60s.

Still, if I were Al Aidekman or Nick LeRose, by this point I'd be pissed.  Even the physical humor is better than what would air, and there are some genuinely funny lines here.  Note that Squiggy not only canonically voted for Nixon, but he considers Carmine and (of all people) Frank to be bleeding-heart liberals.

"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scenes C and D

The next scene is in the girls' bedroom, with "continuous action," so it's right after Frank and Carmine go upstairs.

FRANK AND CARMINE ENTER.

CARMINE

Well, what do we do now?

FRANK

We wait.

THEY WAIT A BEAT.  THEN RESTLESSLY START TO ROAD [sic] AROUND THE BEDROOM.

The episode has them sitting on the foot of Laverne's bed, checking their watches a couple times.  Then Frank gets up.  When Frank tells Carmine not to read Shirley's diary, Carmine was scripted to say, "Wait.  It's getting good.  'Should I unleash my wild side and go crazy with him?  I think I know the answer....' "  Then Frank was supposed to say, "Gimme that," take the diary and read, and then add, "The answer is 'no.' "

After Frank accidentally puts the depilatory on his mustache, instead of Carmine sneaking more peeks at the diary while Frank's trying to wash it off in the bathroom, there was this:

FRANK

Is my mustache still there?

CARMINE BEGINS LOOKING FOR IT.

CARMINE

Yeah, but your upper lip is gone.

FRANK

Very funny.

CARMINE

C'mon.  Sit down, relax.  I'll read you a bedtime story.

FRANK RELAXES ON THE BED.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

Once upon a time...  (PICKS UP DIARY)  "It was two a.m. when I returned.  The apartment was dark."

FRANK

Carmine, I told you, you shouldn't be reading that.

CARMINE

"All I could hear was Laverne's ecstatic giggling, then a noise from Tony that sounded like..."

FRANK

(INTERRUPTING) Give me that.  (TAKES THE DIARY AND QUICKLY SCANS IT.)  It's okay.  It has a happy ending.  He's Italian.

This perfectly fine (if asshole!Carmine) dialogue was replaced not only by Carmine happily reminiscing about diary entries about him, but by Frank reemerging from the bathroom with a gun!  It's left over from Anzio and Carmine is not happy to see it.  Frank compares it to a nuclear bomb, in the sense of a deterrent.

Getting back to the script, the men hear a door close in the living room.

CARMINE

What was that?

FRANK

Shhhh.  I think we're about to catch ourselves a burglar.

FRANK AND CARMINE MOVE TO THE BEDROOM DOOR.

Scene D is in the "darkened living room," again with "continuous action."

WE HEAR SQUIGGY SINGING "HAPPY WANDERER."  SQUIGGY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND TURNS ON THE LIGHTS.  HE BRINGS IN THE ROLLED UP NEWSPAPERS AND DROPS THEM NEAR THE FRONT DOOR.

Squiggy's line about people starving for news in India was in the script, but Squiggy's sad-if-you-think-about-it, " 'Very funny, Squigg.'  'Thank you, Len' " exchange with himself is probably due to Lander missing the spinal-tapping McKean that week.  Squiggy raiding the fridge of a lemon and spotting the ten-dollar bill in the trap are there in the script, but with little Landerian flourishes added, like "refridgidaire."

The aired episode cuts back to Frank "dropping the atomic bomb" as the two men react to Squiggy's screams when he springs the trap, while in the script Frank says, "All right.  We got the bum" offstage.  They were supposed to "break the banister in the process" of racing out from the bedroom.  For some reason, the perfectly set-up Hello after Carmine's "Let's see what kind of low life skunk we got" was omitted.  Instead, they went to a commercial break.

Filmed-Carmine asks where Squiggy was on the night of the 15th, which Squiggy says was a Thursday.  Now, one of the diary entries onscreen was set on March 31st.  Let me consult my handy 1966 calendar (not the never-changing one from the kitchen).  Thursday was the 15th in September and December of 1966, but I doubt Shirley's diaries would each last six months, let alone nine.  Moving on to 1967 (when this episode might take place instead), they could mean Thursday, June 15th.  Or Shirley had an old diary out on her dressing table for some reason.  Of course, Squiggy also says that that makes Friday the 12th, so never mind.

Anyway, none of that comes up in this version of the script.  This is what happens after Carmine says that Squiggy is the burglar:

SQUIGGY

Sure.  Hang me without a trial.  I ain't no crook.

FRANK

Then what are you doin' up there?

SQUIGGY

I'm looking for cracks in the ceiling.  Now let me down.

THEY START TO LET HIM DOWN.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

What a crazy mixed up world.  I came over to borrow a cup of food and the next thing I know I'm hangin' like a side of beef.

In contrast, onscreen Frank and Carmine interrogate Squiggy for half a minute until he breaks down and confesses without knowing his "crime."  And there's more arguing before they take him down after a dissolve.  Since they've got that stupid gun in the scene, Squiggy wants to buy it or at least hold it.  Then he grabs the gun and threatens the "bums," including the absent Lenny, while Carmine hides and Frank looks understandably annoyed.  Finally, after Squiggy's not especially funny antics, Frank grabs the gun back.

The guys hearing a noise and hiding behind the curtains was in the script, but the scene and the act ended with the front door opening slowly, while onscreen they skipped right over Scenes E and H and jumped into Scene J without a transition.  But that is a tale for next time....

"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scene B

It's the girls' apartment, at night:

FRANK IS SETTING UP A CONTRAPTION MADE OF ROPES, NETS, AND WOOD.  CARMINE ENTERS WITH A BUNCH OF TIN CANS TIED TOGETHER WITH STRING.  THE FRONT DOOR IS PARTIALLY OPEN.

FRANK

Where you been.  You're late.

CARMINE

I've been tying together this burglar alarm.  You wanna help me string it outside?

FRANK

Burglar alarm?  What do you do?  Tie it to his leg and write "Just Married" on his forehead?

I'm sorry, but this is much funnier than seeing Carmine finish off a tomato juice can and then have Frank enter and get tangled in Carmine's trap.  We also lost this after Carmine says he had a good plan:

FRANK

So did General Custer.

CARMINE

If he had tin cans he'd be alive today.

FRANK

All we gotta do is make this place look like easy pickin's. 

FRANK TAKES SEVERAL ROLLED UP NEWSPAPERS AND DROPS THEM OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR.

FRANK (CONT'D)

I already stuffed the mailbox full of letters.

CARMINE

How about putting a note on the door "Gone On Vacation, burglars please wipe your feet."  Just kidding, Mr. DeFazio.

And when Frank is explaining the "Anzio Man Trap," Carmine was supposed to ask, "You learned that as an Army cook?  Is that how you trap the guys into eating your food?"  Then Frank would say, "Remind me to yell at you later."

Frank and Carmine actually attaching the trap to the ceiling was not in the script, but maybe that's what Frank's opening bit in the script was for.  Instead, we get about a minute added to the end of the scene, with some physical comedy, but I'd much rather have had the deleted lines.  Still, it is interesting that the scene, either way, has a lot of Frank and Carmine bickering, in what I think was then a rare scene of them on their own.

"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scene A

The week after the Revised Filming Script for "Watch the Fur Fly" was submitted, the Revised Final Draft for "That's Entertainment" was completed.  Yet TE wouldn't air until March 9, 1982.  In the meantime, there were various scripts, most of which I don't own at this point.  Oh, and the Revised Final Draft for "Crime Isn't Pretty," which is dated February 4, 1982, although the episode would become the penultimate for Season Seven.

At this point, the Policeman and Priest were not yet cast, but The Big Ragoo had the S back in his last name.  (Squiggy was getting by with just one G and one N in his last name, and Lenny was absent.)  There are only two sets, the girls' living room and the girls' bedroom.

We begin in the former, with a note that says that Scene A was filmed 1-26-82, a week earlier.  Was Cindy off on her honeymoon by this point?  According to Penny Marshall's autobiography, Cindy conceived in February, which would impact other scripts, as we saw with "The Baby Show" and which I will return to later.  But anyway, it's an almost L-&-S-less script by intent.

In the spirit of cute BBK moments in Season Seven scripts, here's how the scene was supposed to start:

SHIRLEY IS SEATED ON THE COUCH, COMFORTING BOO BOO KITTY.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Boo Boo Kitty, you're the only witness to this horrible robbery, and you can't even talk.  Maybe you can nod "yes" or "no".  Was he tall?  Did he have a mustache?

BOO BOO KITTY REMAINS SILENT.  LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.

Laverne's line after Shirley asks the person at the door who won the '63 World Series was changed from "Shirl, he's not a Japanese spy" to "Even if he gave you the right answer, you wouldn't know."

Shirley having an alphabetized list of the missing items was added, as was Laverne warning the cop not to touch Shirley's "pussycat."

This was omitted after Shirley says it must've been professional burglars:

LAVERNE

The kind that wear black tights, carry stop watches, scale buildings and use nitro to open vaults.

POLICEMAN

You have a vault?

SHIRLEY

No, but if we did, it would've been blown to bits.

Shirley saying that Laverne has L's on everything was added.  For some reason, Frank saying he'd like to break the burglar's neck was changed to breaking fingers.

When Frank suggests the girls go away for the weekend, Laverne was supposed to say they had to "redecorate," meaning get new locks, while Shirley would say that they had ironing and dates.  So then when Frank offers to pay for their weekend away, Laverne would say, "It's a good thing we didn't iron.  It would've got wrinkled in the suitcase anyway."  Instead, we'd get Shirley suspecting Frank of robbing them because he has money to pay for their trip.

I'd say that the changes are generally for the better for this opening, although since I'd end up giving the episode a C+, it's still not a hilarious scene.  I do have to wonder who the girls had dates with and how those guys reacted to the cancellation.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene K

The tag is set in the girls' apartment during the day.  There aren't any notable changes, except Shirley referring to Jeffrey and Harold as "those boys."

I think that the script was polished and improved by filming, even though it was the "revised filming script."  The changes aren't dramatic but are generally for the best.  I gave the episode a B-, so it could've been even better, but Season Seven certainly offered worse.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene J

We return to the girls' apartment, "later that evening."

THE GIRLS AND JEFFREY AND HAROLD ARE AT THE FRONT DOOR.  THEY KISS.

Somehow, in the aired episode, this became Laverne and Jeffrey smooching up a storm as Shirley and Harold say goodnight, she thanks him for the hat, and they quickly kiss.

In the script, Shirley cried through Bambi ten times, which became thirteen.  We lost Laverne saying, "Remember when I was dating that farmer.  I sat through a three day symposium on the multiple uses of fertilizer."  After Shirley says Laverne wanted her date to stay, Laverne's line about their "different needs" is an addition.  This was left out after Harold says he appreciates Shirley's honesty:

HAROLD

...Would it make any difference if I'm going to consider starting a line of 'fun furs'.  But just what is a Boo Boo Stole?

SHIRLEY

I'll tell you later.  Right now Laverne has something to say too.

SHIRLEY STARES HER DOWN.

Laverne and Jeffrey calling Sunday "domingo" was added.  This is what was taken out after the guys exit:

SHIRLEY

We broke our pact.  In eighteen seconds, we broke our pact.

LAVERNE

Well, there's only one thing to do.  (BEAT)  Books!  We need books!

And the scene and the act end with them "babbling up the stairs."

I would've liked for them to keep the "farmer" example, since I like it when the girls reminisce about moments we never actually got to see.  The "Boo Boo Stole" exchange doesn't work, so it was good to take that out, and I prefer Laverne confessing as her own decision, rather than being pressured into it by Shirley.  The ending is another minor loss.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene H

Act Two opens with "continuous action" in the "ballroom," so we pick up where we left off.  This was omitted from the aired episode:

LAVERNE

So Harold's a furrier.

JEFFREY

And a darn good one.

LAVERNE

He's not coming straight from a skinning, is he?

JEFFREY

Of course not, Harold's strictly on the retail end.  He only sells.

SHIRLEY APPROACHES.

SHIRLEY

Sells what?

JEFFREY

He sells...

LAVERNE

...sea shells by the seashore.  A real toughie.  Ever try it three times real fast?  Jeffrey, why don't you give Harold a call?  Find out where he is?

JEFFREY

Bon idee.  Et plus tard nous allons faire la whoopee.  (WINKS, NUDGES LAVERNE) Know what I mean?

LAVERNE

Whoopee.

JEFFREY EXITS.

SHIRLEY

Whoopee?  I guess smut is the same in any language.

LAVERNE

Yeah....

The next page made it in, but then this was left out after Shirley's "baby seal hunt" line:

LAVERNE

(WAVES AT PEOPLE) Guten tag.  Bon soir.  (DOES CLICK LANGUAGE)

THE SPANISH PHOTOGRAPHER WALKS BY AND HEARS LAVERNE.

PHOTOGRAPHER

It is warm in here, isn't it?

This got replaced by Laverne muffling Shirley and then saying, "I take it you don't want to go out with him."

We lost Laverne saying to herself, "He had to be a furrier...  couldn't be a nice normal car thief."  Note that Harold got the adjective "gorgeous," while there's no physical description of Jeffrey in the script.  And Laverne "reacts to this physical specimen with an appreciative 'Oh!' "  Harold was supposed to take Shirley's hand right before she calls him "fascinating."

Laverne's "That's hangin' 'em in the den, Shirl" was improved to "I had a spot all picked out to hang him, right next to the Beatles."  After Laverne's multilingual compliments of the raccoon headband, the stage direction is "All that and more," which in the episode became Sven's "I think it's very purty."

Some thoughts:

• The first chunk omitted doesn't really add much to either exposition or humor, although here's the translation of Jeffrey's French: "Good idea. And later we will do the whoopee."
• The Spanish photographer is also fluent in Xhosa?  That gives him at least three languages.
• The onscreen scene is overall an improvement, including Jeffrey and Laverne eating refreshments together, and the crowd (not just Sven) participating more.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene E

We go to a ballroom, in the evening.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER AND LOOK AROUND THE ROOM.  WE SEE PEOPLE MILLING ABOUT, ATTIRED IN WARDROBES FROM MANY LANDS.  TURBANS, SARIS, KILTS, SOMBREROS, ETC.  THERE ARE ALSO SOME NORMALLY-DRESSED PEOPLE.

Normally-dressed people?!  The set actually looks like a German-style inn or restaurant, but whatever.  The following was left out and replaced with Laverne greeting a woman in a burka with "Hail Mary":

A MAN WITH A CAMERA COMES UP TO THE GIRLS.  

PHOTOGRAPHER

(IN SPANISH) Would you like your picture taken?

LAVERNE

He wants us to take his picture.  (TO MAN) Si, si.  El gusto es mio.

LAVERNE TRIES TO TAKE THE CAMERA OUT OF THE MAN'S HANDS.

PHOTOGRAPHER

(IN SPANISH) What are you doing?  Give me my camera.

THEY HAVE A TUG OF WAR WITH THE CAMERA.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, he wants to take our picture.

LAVERNE

Oh, (TO MAN, HANDING BACK CAMERA) Que sera, sera.

THE GIRLS POSE FOR THE MAN, WHO THEN TAKES THEIR PICTURE.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Gracias, gracias.  Five bucks.

LAVERNE

That means five bucks, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

Good work, Laverne.

SHIRLEY TAKES OUT THE MONEY FOR THE MAN AND PAYS HIM.

Jeffrey asking, "Did I hear something crinkle?", after hugging Laverne was omitted, as was her reply, "They put too much starch in my slip."

In case you're curious what Heinrich says to Laverne that isn't translated by Jeffrey, it's "Perhaps one day you'll come to my country and see how lovely it is" and then "That is when you get a chance."  Laverne's brief Marlene Dietrich imitation sounds like an ad-lib.

The omission of the part with the photographer was wise, although I'm not thrilled with the replacement.  The "crinkling slip" should've been kept in, since Jeffrey isn't an idiot and you'd think he'd be more suspicious.  Note that there are two scripted Javerne kisses, and Jeff G and Penny make the most of them.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene D

Then it's back to the bedroom, still day, with more "continuous action."

LAVERNE IS SITTING AT THE DRESSER, ONE FOOT PROPPED IN FRONT OF HER.  SHE IS TAPING A PIECE OF PAPER ON THE TOP PART OF HER SHOE.  SHE STANDS, CHECKS TO SEE SHE CAN READ THE PAPER.

LAVERNE

As they say in Spanish, "Perfecto."  No one will ever notice.

This was left out and the aired scene starts with Shirley's entrance, while the script has Laverne quickly sit back down.  The German Q & A was included but this was omitted:

SHIRLEY

Now, let's say a charming Italian man begins talking to you and you have no idea what he's saying.

LAVERNE

I shoot him my killer smile and say...

LAVERNE SNEAKS A PEEK, UP HER SLEEVE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

"Siamo in accordo."  I agree with you.  "Siamo" -- Siam with an "o" at the end.

They left this out after Laverne's zinger about just stuffing paper in her blouse, not socks:

LAVERNE EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM.

SHIRLEY

(AS SHE FOLLOWS) Cheap shot, Laverne.

LAVERNE

I'm a cheap girl.

Yes, we're definitely in the "easy Laverne" era, because I think early-seasons Laverne would've punched anybody who called her a "cheap girl."  I do think they could've kept the Italian Q & A but, again, no big losses from this scene.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene C

It's back to the girls' living room, still day, with "continuous action," so it's right after Scene B.  The first two and a half pages are basically the same, although Rhonda making the fox talk was added (perhaps by Easterbrook).  We lost Shirley saying, "Rhonda, what do you think the Siberian mink does, lie around in the forced labor camps saying, 'Boy, it's sweltering here in Siberia -- take my fur, please."  The last stage direction did make it in but I just have to show it to you, because it's adorable.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene B

We move to the girls' bedroom, the next day.  The first couple pages made it in, but this was omitted after Shirley calls Laverne's plan ridiculous:

SHIRLEY

Face it, Laverne, even for you this is ridiculous.  Telling a man you speak seven languages.

LAVERNE

Eight.

SHIRLEY

Eight, it just grows and grows.

LAVERNE

No.  I just learned Xhosa.

SHIRLEY

Xhosa?

LAVERNE DEMONSTRATES HER COMMAND OF XHOSA LANGUAGE (THE CLICK LANGUAGE)

LAVERNE

Yeah, you remember.  We heard it on "Wild Kingdom."

SHIRLEY

That was a language?  Oh I thought that guy just sat on a poison dart.

LAVERNE

I might not need it.

Then about a page and a half is intact, with this Shirley line left out, "C'mon.  This isn't going to work.  Why don't you call him up and say you made a small mistake.  You can't speak in seven languages, you can hear in seven languages."  And then Rhonda was supposed to be heard offstage, rather than a cut to her hi-hoing entrance.  This little bit was omitted:

LAVERNE

Okay, don't help.  But at least take care of Rhonda, downstairs so I can study.

SHIRLEY JUST STARES, LAVERNE PICKS UP A BOOK.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Por favor?  Sil vous plait, prago, prago...

Then after Shirley's "pseudo Swedish" line to "neighbor lady," Laverne was supposed to pick up a book (presumably a different one) from the bed and say, "Oh, here's a useful one.  'My good companion, shouldn't your elephant be kept outside?' "

There's nothing here that I particularly miss, except maybe the "elephant" line, and Shirley trying to convince Laverne to call Jeffrey.  The stuff about Xhosa is borderline racist, and then the girls don't even count it as one of Laverne's languages anyway, reverting to seven again.

"Watch the Fur Fly" script, Scene A

This episode aired the week after "Tar Pits" but this script is the Revised Shooting Script, from December 15, 1981, so I don't expect as many changes.

We start at the girls' apartment, at night.  The first three and a half pages are mostly intact.  The kiss is described as "a long one."  Note that Laverne calling Jeffrey "Gorgeous Jeff" was added (justifiably).  When they're on the couch, he was supposed to kiss her neck, but I just see a mouth-kiss.  Shirley was supposed to get a cup of cocoa rather than milk.  We did lose this exchange:

JEFFREY

Great.  I've been dying to meet a girl I could take to these things.  You could be my co-host.

LAVERNE

You mean like Ed McMahon?

JEFFREY

But much cuter.

Also, Jeffrey says that seven languages is one more than he speaks.  And there was this little omission:

JEFFREY

I'm gonna tell everyone I found a valley girl who speaks their language.

LAVERNE

Valley girl really...  I'm a little rusty.

JEFFREY

It'll come back to you.

And we lost the very last line of the scene, Shirley's "If I was Senorita Crane, I would have flunked her."

Ohmigod, Laverne is sooooo totally not a Valley Girl!  But the omissions here don't seem like they'd make or break the scene.

"Life Is the Tar Pits" script, Scene H

It's back to the La Brea Tar Pits, at night.  Notice, Scene D took place in the morning, and Scene E a bit later.  I think this is another timeline problem.  Anyway, it's daylight in the episode and birds are chirping.

The first couple pages don't have any significant changes.  Then there's this:

SQUIGGY

I let the ugly head of my jealousy mettle with your lust life.  I'm very small.

LENNY

No, Squig, you're big.

SQUIGGY 

That's cause I'm sitting on a rock.  A pointy one.

SQUIGGY PULLS OUT THE NECKLACE.

LENNY

Karen's necklace.

SQUIGGY

I'll tell you something about this Karen girl.

LENNY

You said enough.  Even though she left me, she's not a dog.

SQUIGGY

(TURNS ON LENNY) Of course she ain't.  How could you ever think that.  Karen is special.  She's cute and she's a got a lot of brains for a girl.  And she would only go out with a special guy.

In the aired version, Squiggy says he got in the way of Lenny's potential and he doesn't want to own Lenny, showing that Karen's words did get through to him.  Squiggy asks Lenny's "forgivefulness," which Lenny says is for the first time, and that might be true in the sense that Squiggy's apology is much more reluctant in "You've Pushed Me Too Far."  Squiggy says being in the tar makes you look differently at life.  It's Lenny who finds the necklace, but Squiggy agrees that Lenny should hang onto it, because it's special and so is Karen.  He doesn't call her cute but he says she has "brains and everything for a woman that makes her complete."

In the script, Lenny is surprised that Squiggy thinks he's special, but Squiggy tells him, "I said it dope."  The Lenny line about owing everything to Squiggy is in both versions, but onscreen Squiggy says he'll send Lenny a bill, which makes Lenny laugh.  Here's how the scene, act, and episode end in the script:

SQUIGGY

What you am is covered with tar.  How do we get out of here?

AS THEY STRUGGLE TO GET UP, WE: 

FADE OUT.

But the episode has a quick tag, where Squiggy suggests they have fun with tar and feathers!

This time, I don't really prefer one version over the other.  I like Squiggy being the one to find the necklace, but at least he's very positive about Lenny keeping it onscreen.  Overall though, I think that this final draft definitely still needed work and, as it is, the episode could still be better.  I wish we'd gotten some sense of what Lenny and Karen do together besides study sessions, even if it was just a line or two about them going to the movies or something.  I realize she was just a one-shot character but I feel like we know even Amy Babish better than Karen.  On the other hand, I could see them as having a brighter future, if she hadn't gone to New York, than Laverne would've had with David.  Or with Man.

"Life Is the Tar Pits" script, Scene E

And it's back to Cowboy Bill's "a bit later":

LENNY IS COMING OUT OF A PHONE BOOTH LOOKING DISAPPOINTED.  HE CROSSES TO FRANK WHO'S AT THE COUNTER.

FRANK

Still no answer?  You called her twenty times already.

LENNY

Do you got a dime I could borrow?

FRANK

You lose yours in the phone?

LENNY

No, but I think it's gettin' too thin.

FRANK HANDS LENNY A DIME AND LENNY CROSSES BACK TO THE PHONE BOOTH, MOUTHS A WISH TO HIS BONE NECKLACE, THEN SITS IN THE BOOTH AND DIALS RAPIDLY.  INTERCUT THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION.

This was left out, and Lenny uses a pay phone on the wall, rather than a booth.

The next two and a half pages are mostly intact, except for obviously Lenny closing the booth door for privacy and then opening it to share the news that Karen got accepted into broadcasting school.  A few other changes:

• Lenny says, "Hi, Karen.  Lucky me, got you on the first try."
• Karen tells him, "We talked about this.  It was fun for three weeks.  But now we've both got to do what we've got to do," to which he replies, "I don't understand.  How can you be so close and then end it so quick?  Unless you're on the Titanic."
• When Frank goes to him, he says, "Come on, Len.  You knew she'd be leaving."
• His "In other words it's better to have loved and lost, then [sic] never to have loved at all" became the funnier "In other words, it's better to have loved and lost than to have lost and never loved at all."
• In the aired episode, Lenny says he's not worth worrying about, which is not in the script.

And then, in an episode without much of the girls, this was left out:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER.

LAVERNE

Hi, Pop.

FRANK

Hi, girls.  What're you doing here?

SHIRLEY

We don't have much time for lunch so, we thought we'd pick up something quick here.

FRANK

Keep away from the bus boys.

THE GIRLS CROSS TOWARDS THE SALAD BAR.  THEY START TO PREPARE THEIR SALADS.  SHIRLEY PUTS HERS ON A PLATE IN A NORMAL MANNER.  LAVERNE TOSES HER LETTUCE, BEANS, SPROUTS, TOMATOES, ETC. IN A PAPER BAG, CLOSES THE BAG, AND SHAKES IT UP.  SHE POURS SOME DRESSING ON IT AND DUMPS IT ON A PLASTIC PLATE TO GO.  SHIRLEY REACTS.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Hey, how come you girls come all the way down here.  I thought Bardwell's has a salad bar too.

SHIRLEY

They do.  But we knew things have been kinda slow lately, so we figured you could use our business.

FRANK

Hey, that's nice.  Okay, two salads, two sodys.  That'll be $3.37.

THE GIRLS TAKE THE SODAS AND START TOWARDS THE EXIT.

SHIRLEY

Just put it on our tab.  We're a little short of cash right now.

LAVERNE

And just for you, Pop, we'll be eating here everyday this week.

THE GIRLS EXIT.  FRANK LOOKS AFTER THEM FOR A BEAT.

FRANK

I dunno.  Sometimes you wanna hurt the one you love.

SQUIGGY ENTERS AS THEY ZOOM PAST.

The Frank & Squiggy part on the episode is similar, except that screen-Frank tells Squiggy that Karen just broke up with Lenny.  Also, instead of knocking over Mary the Waitress's tray, Squiggy was supposed to "pick up a chair and smash it to the floor," so here's what came after Squiggy asks what he's done:

FRANK

You just broke a twenty dollar chair.

SQUIGGY

(EXITING QUICKLY) Bill me.

FRANK

It's nice to see the lunchtime trade picking up.

Here are a bunch of thoughts:

• I don't think a phone booth works with either set design or direction and I'm glad it was changed.
• Lenny trying to get through to Karen is a lot more dramatic in the script than onscreen, with Frank getting involved in the drama.
• So it is three weeks total.  Does this mean Scene C is "three weeks" after Scene A, rather than after Scene B?
• I have mixed feelings about Karen's "We've talked about this..." line.  In the script, as compared to what would air, we and Lenny are told early on that this may all end within three-ish weeks, while it sort of comes out of nowhere when we get to this phone scene onscreen.  But her phrasing in the script is a little callous, like it was just a fling and she's unaware that he fell for her.  Screen-Karen looks genuinely sad about hurting Lenny.  As with David in "Moving In," she's a more appealing character onscreen than on paper.
• Frank, who's presumably seeing them eat there every day for three/five weeks, knew she'd be leaving and knew Lenny knew, but it's a little insensitive to point it out that way.  (It honestly sounds more like a Carmine line, down to calling him "Len.")  Still, it is nice to have a rare Frank & Lenny scene, so I'm glad this was mostly kept, especially since Frank is avuncular with Lenny here.
• Yeah, Girls, what are you doing here?  Your cameo is unfunny and breaks up the rhythm of the scene, although it does at least avoid the timing onscreen, where Squiggy somehow doesn't see Lenny exiting the building as he enters.  I get that it might be nice to have the nominal stars of the show in more than one scene (this is after all Season Seven, not Season Eight), but why bother if this is the result?
• Their appearance doesn't even make sense on its own terms.  They have no time for lunch but they pass up the salad bar at Bardwell's to come get a salad at Laverne's father's restaurant.  (Where, in both script and aired episode, the chili makes your heart feel like it's been wrenched from your belly.)  They don't call ahead their order to have it waiting for them but instead get salads, which they have to gather (in their admittedly characteristic ways).  And then, it's to help Frank's business, but they have him put it on their tab.
• Why is Frank worried about Shirley picking up bus boys?  It would make more sense (especially in the easy-Laverne era) for the girls' lines to be swapped.
• One dollar in 1966 (which I think is when this is set) = $8 in today's money.
• Frank's line about hurting the one you love is a follow-up to his string of "comforting" clichés to Lenny.  It's not much of a payoff, but there you are.  
• Squiggy breaks a $20 chair, which I think would be hard to do, especially when you're in a hurry.
• But, hey, at least the lunchtime trade is picking up.