"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scenes H and J

These scenes sort of got flip-flopped, so I'll discuss them together.  H is still set in the girls' apartment, but "later":

CARMINE AND FRANK AND SQUIGGY ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE OPEN REFRIGERATOR.

FRANK

Look what they got to eat, ice cubes and melted ice cubes.

SQUIGGY

They got a pear in there.

CARMINE

That's the lightbulb, Squig.

SQUIGGY

I know that.  Who ever heard of a 40 watt pear?

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE KITCHEN DOOR.

FRANK

It's him.  He's probably knocking to see if anybody's home.  Everybody hide!

FRANK DUCKS BEHIND THE STOVE.  CARMINE JUMPS ON THE COUNTERTOP BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR.  SQUIGGY LOOKS AROUND AND HIDES IN THE BROOM CLOSET, TAKING TRISCUITS (OR WHATEVER) WITH HIM.  AFTER A BEAT, HE EMERGES, GRABS SOME MILK FROM THE REFRIGERATOR, AND AGAIN DISAPPEARS INTO THE CLOSET, LEAVING THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPEN.  THEN A MAN STEPS INTO DOORWAY FRAME, SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE WELL-LIT BACK.

Instead, the man was filmed entering the front door, and so the guys are hiding over there, although Squiggy is the one in a closet.  Carmine is the one to try to jump the man in both, but the guys were a lot more destructive in the script:

CARMINE COMES OUT AND LEAPS AT THE MAN.  THE MAN DUCKS, CARMINE LANDS ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE AND SMASHES IT.  FRANK, SQUIGGY AND CARMINE GRAB THE MAN AND THEIR STRUGGLE DESTROYS THE KITCHEN TAKING OFF THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND BREAKING CHAIRS.

On the other hand, in the script Frank does not pull a gun on a priest.  The dialogue is similar in both, although the "milk baths" line and the "economical conference" sound like Landerian ad-libs.  Carmine scolding the man is similar in both, although the stage direction says Carmine is "abhorred," rather than, you know, "appalled" or "aghast."  (Then again, Carmine is abhorred in some circles, so shrug.)

Rather than asking the man to name the "ten condiments," Squiggy's scripted line was "A likely story.  I'll bet he's the one who was dressed up as like a dog.  Admit it, Rover.  This isn't the first time you've set paw in this apartment, is it?"

Since Scene J was moved in front of this scene, the filmed version has the priest belatedly react to Rhonda hanging from a net.  Here's how the last part of Scene H used to go, after Frank (who of course doesn't apologize for pulling a gun on him) says they thought the priest was a burglar:

PRIEST

So you decided to destroy everything in your apartment before I could steal it?

CARMINE

Oh, we don't live here.

PRIEST

(EXITING) You don't live here?  (BACKING OUT) Bless you, bless you, my sons.  (TO CARMINE) Make that 40 Hail Marys.

PRIEST IS OUT.

SQUIGGY

I still think it's the dog.  I'm gonna watch him and see if he stops at a tree.

The priest's exit is similar on air, but after he realizes that none of them are Shirley Feeney.

So, Scene J is still in the apartment at night:

IT IS TOTALLY DARK.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)

If this guy doesn't hurry up and burgle soon, I'm gonna steal something, you catch me and we can all go home.

CARMINE (V.O.)

Shh!  I just heard footsteps.

THE DOOR OPENS.  A FIGURE ENTERS.  A SCUFFLE ENSUES AS FRANK, CARMINE AND SQUIGGY ATTACK THE INTRUDER.  WE HEAR A CRASH, THEN:

SQUIGGY (V.O.)

I got him by the hair.

FRANK (V.O.)

That's my moustache, you jerk!

CARMINE (V.O.)

Ow!  This guy's tough!

THE FREE-FOR-ALL CONTINUES BUT NOT FOR LONG.  RHONDA TURNS THE LIGHT ON.  SHE HAS PINNED FRANK, CARMINE AND SQUIGGY TO THE FLOOR.  ANYTHING THAT WAS STANDING BEFORE IS NOW BROKEN INCLUDING THE STEREO THAT RHONDA WAS CARRYING.

CARMINE

Rhonda?!

SQUIGGY

Rhonda, close the lights and let's go two outta three.

RHONDA

Get up.

SQUIGGY

I like the view from here better.

FRANK

Now that you've knocked me down, help me up.

SHE DOES.

On the episode, this became Rhonda getting caught in the net and Squiggy liking her in that position.  In the script, when he accuses her of stealing the stereo, he calls her Rover.  With Frank onscreen suspecting her as well, the priest knocks and they just leave her up there so they can do a version of Scene H.  Rhonda's explanation about borrowing and breaking the stereo was delayed until after the priest exits.  We lost Rhonda's line "What's going on here?  When Armondo said Rhonda made the earth move, I had no idea it moved this far," I think in reference to the wrecked apartment.

Squiggy's explanation of why he took the green stamps, cake, and blankets made it in, although I have to note that the original version of Lenny "finding the smell of wet wool pleasurable" was "Lenny likes the way they [blankets] smell when they're wet," which isn't as memorable.

And they omitted Rhonda's exit line "This is all too much for Rhonda.  I'm going back to Armondo.  I don't want him to have any aftershocks without me."  Instead, Rhonda onscreen sticks around to congratulate the men on solving the case of the Burbank Burglar.  And Frank of course doesn't shoot his daughter's portrait in the script.

Onscreen, we got the cops bursting in as Squiggy jumps into Rhonda's arms and kisses her.  Here's how it went in the script:

AT THAT MOMENT [after Carmine, rather than Frank, talks about "citizens banding together to fight crime"] TWO POLICEMEN BURST THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

POLICE #1

Freeze.  You're under arrest.  Assume the position.

FRANK AND CARMINE ASSUME A HANDS UP POSITION.  SQUIGGY ASSUMES A SILLY BALLET POSITION.

POLICE #1 (CONT'D)

We were stopped by a priest telling us there was a burglary in progress and it looks like he was right.

FRANK/CARMINE

We can explain, we can explain.

SQUIGGY

No.  Let me.  The priest is lying.  He's really a dog dressed as a priest.

THE POLICE BEGIN HANDCUFFING THEM AND LEADING THEM OUT.

FRANK

You had to let him open his mouth.

The scene and act end on them "babbling out."

Well, you can't say that Aidekman and LeRose didn't provide plenty of physical humor.  And it's interesting that, rather than go with all three men demolishing the apartment, the episode instead became a lecture on gun safety.  Other thoughts:

• The girls have nothing in the fridge but ice cubes and a light bulb, but Squiggy still manages to mooch (including on "Triscuits or whatever").
• The guys are not especially good at capturing anyone but each other in this version, although they certainly try.
• There are times this script seems to be trying for Marx Brothers style absurdity and slapstick, and Squiggy's plan to burgle something so they can catch him is not unlike something Chico would say in Animal Crackers.
• You gotta admit, Rhonda pinning all three men is impressive.  I have no idea how she also manages to turn on the light, unless she is near a lamp or something.
• Squiggy of course enjoys being pinned by Rhonda.
• Earthquakes are often mistaken for orgasms on this series, and vice versa.
• This Squiggy won't let go of his dog theory.  He's like, um, a dog with a bone.
• I do not envy the girls coming home to their wrecked apartment.