"Crime Isn't Pretty" script, Scenes C and D

The next scene is in the girls' bedroom, with "continuous action," so it's right after Frank and Carmine go upstairs.

FRANK AND CARMINE ENTER.

CARMINE

Well, what do we do now?

FRANK

We wait.

THEY WAIT A BEAT.  THEN RESTLESSLY START TO ROAD [sic] AROUND THE BEDROOM.

The episode has them sitting on the foot of Laverne's bed, checking their watches a couple times.  Then Frank gets up.  When Frank tells Carmine not to read Shirley's diary, Carmine was scripted to say, "Wait.  It's getting good.  'Should I unleash my wild side and go crazy with him?  I think I know the answer....' "  Then Frank was supposed to say, "Gimme that," take the diary and read, and then add, "The answer is 'no.' "

After Frank accidentally puts the depilatory on his mustache, instead of Carmine sneaking more peeks at the diary while Frank's trying to wash it off in the bathroom, there was this:

FRANK

Is my mustache still there?

CARMINE BEGINS LOOKING FOR IT.

CARMINE

Yeah, but your upper lip is gone.

FRANK

Very funny.

CARMINE

C'mon.  Sit down, relax.  I'll read you a bedtime story.

FRANK RELAXES ON THE BED.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

Once upon a time...  (PICKS UP DIARY)  "It was two a.m. when I returned.  The apartment was dark."

FRANK

Carmine, I told you, you shouldn't be reading that.

CARMINE

"All I could hear was Laverne's ecstatic giggling, then a noise from Tony that sounded like..."

FRANK

(INTERRUPTING) Give me that.  (TAKES THE DIARY AND QUICKLY SCANS IT.)  It's okay.  It has a happy ending.  He's Italian.

This perfectly fine (if asshole!Carmine) dialogue was replaced not only by Carmine happily reminiscing about diary entries about him, but by Frank reemerging from the bathroom with a gun!  It's left over from Anzio and Carmine is not happy to see it.  Frank compares it to a nuclear bomb, in the sense of a deterrent.

Getting back to the script, the men hear a door close in the living room.

CARMINE

What was that?

FRANK

Shhhh.  I think we're about to catch ourselves a burglar.

FRANK AND CARMINE MOVE TO THE BEDROOM DOOR.

Scene D is in the "darkened living room," again with "continuous action."

WE HEAR SQUIGGY SINGING "HAPPY WANDERER."  SQUIGGY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND TURNS ON THE LIGHTS.  HE BRINGS IN THE ROLLED UP NEWSPAPERS AND DROPS THEM NEAR THE FRONT DOOR.

Squiggy's line about people starving for news in India was in the script, but Squiggy's sad-if-you-think-about-it, " 'Very funny, Squigg.'  'Thank you, Len' " exchange with himself is probably due to Lander missing the spinal-tapping McKean that week.  Squiggy raiding the fridge of a lemon and spotting the ten-dollar bill in the trap are there in the script, but with little Landerian flourishes added, like "refridgidaire."

The aired episode cuts back to Frank "dropping the atomic bomb" as the two men react to Squiggy's screams when he springs the trap, while in the script Frank says, "All right.  We got the bum" offstage.  They were supposed to "break the banister in the process" of racing out from the bedroom.  For some reason, the perfectly set-up Hello after Carmine's "Let's see what kind of low life skunk we got" was omitted.  Instead, they went to a commercial break.

Filmed-Carmine asks where Squiggy was on the night of the 15th, which Squiggy says was a Thursday.  Now, one of the diary entries onscreen was set on March 31st.  Let me consult my handy 1966 calendar (not the never-changing one from the kitchen).  Thursday was the 15th in September and December of 1966, but I doubt Shirley's diaries would each last six months, let alone nine.  Moving on to 1967 (when this episode might take place instead), they could mean Thursday, June 15th.  Or Shirley had an old diary out on her dressing table for some reason.  Of course, Squiggy also says that that makes Friday the 12th, so never mind.

Anyway, none of that comes up in this version of the script.  This is what happens after Carmine says that Squiggy is the burglar:

SQUIGGY

Sure.  Hang me without a trial.  I ain't no crook.

FRANK

Then what are you doin' up there?

SQUIGGY

I'm looking for cracks in the ceiling.  Now let me down.

THEY START TO LET HIM DOWN.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

What a crazy mixed up world.  I came over to borrow a cup of food and the next thing I know I'm hangin' like a side of beef.

In contrast, onscreen Frank and Carmine interrogate Squiggy for half a minute until he breaks down and confesses without knowing his "crime."  And there's more arguing before they take him down after a dissolve.  Since they've got that stupid gun in the scene, Squiggy wants to buy it or at least hold it.  Then he grabs the gun and threatens the "bums," including the absent Lenny, while Carmine hides and Frank looks understandably annoyed.  Finally, after Squiggy's not especially funny antics, Frank grabs the gun back.

The guys hearing a noise and hiding behind the curtains was in the script, but the scene and the act ended with the front door opening slowly, while onscreen they skipped right over Scenes E and H and jumped into Scene J without a transition.  But that is a tale for next time....