THE BOYS AND FRANK PEEK FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN, ONE HEAD ON TOP OF THE OTHER.
FRANK
Let's get him!
THEY JUMP FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN, TEARING IT AS THEY RUN. THEY LEAP FOR THE INTRUDER, BREAKING A LAMP AND A TABLE AS THE SCUFFLE ENSUES.
CARMINE
I got a leg.
FRANK
I got a leg.
SQUIGGY
I got a leg.
CARMINE
I got a tail?
FRANK TURNS ON THE LIGHTS TO REVEAL A SCRAWNY DOG IN THE GRIPS OF SQUIGGY AND CARMINE.
FRANK
It's only a dog.
SQUIGGY
Sure, that's what he wants you to think. Just let me handle this.
SQUIGGY PICKS UP THE DOG AND THROWS HIM ON THE COUCH.
SQUIGGY (CONT'D)
Okay, spill your guts. What's your name? Not talkin', huh? Well, two can play that game.
SQUIGGY CROSSES HIS ARMS AND REFUSES TO TALK.
CARMINE
Squiggy, it's a dog.
SQUIGGY
Wake up, Carmine. Where have you been all your life? Haven't you heard of a cat burglar in a dog suit?
SQUIGGY STARTS TO PULL AT THE DOG.
SQUIGGY (CONT'D)
All right, off with the costume, buster.
THE DOG BARKS.
FRANK
(TO CARMINE) Maybe Squiggy hit his head on the ceiling.
CARMINE
Looks like he's acting normal to me.
FRANK
Squiggy, you're getting carried away.
SQUIGGY
Oh, really? He doesn't even have name tags. Obviously a pro.
FRANK
Squiggy, why would a dog steal a stereo?
CARMINE
Maybe he wants to hear his master's voice.
SQUIGGY
So, we got a motive, we got opportunity...
FRANK
(SCRATCHING) And we got fleas. Get the dog out.
DOG LEAVES.
SQUIGGY
You bleeding heart liberals. You've let a common criminal back out on the streets. If he does any more harm it's on your head.
CARMINE
No. It's on your shoes.
Well, I mean, you can see why they cut this scene. They would need a highly trained stunt-dog to pull all this off. And I love that the dog just leaves when Frank wants it to. There's really no way this could've been filmed, although I could see it working as a Harry Lucey Archies comic of the '60s.
Still, if I were Al Aidekman or Nick LeRose, by this point I'd be pissed. Even the physical humor is better than what would air, and there are some genuinely funny lines here. Note that Squiggy not only canonically voted for Nixon, but he considers Carmine and (of all people) Frank to be bleeding-heart liberals.
YEP! Continues to be way funnier in script form.
ReplyDeleteConsistently, scene by scene.
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