"The Gymnast Show," Scene B

We're at Cowboy Bill's at night again.  It's three weeks later.  As on the filmed version, Frank is counting money, although instead of the line about Mary (presumably the waitress) needing to be more careful because one of the bills has Art Linkletter, Frank originally said, "One, two, three, four... what's the matter with you guys?  Aren't you friends with Lincoln?  Good lookin' guy.  Skinny.  Had a beard," which is marginally funny, although Lincoln isn't exactly known for his good looks.

They left out Frank reacting to the news that Edgar is going to teach Laverne "the triple" with "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!", which maybe Standards & Practices found blasphemous.  And then when Laverne says that Edgar is a trapeze artist, this was omitted:

FRANK

The trapeze, huh?  I guess it's better than you wanting to go to India and sit around with skinny guys in sheets.

LAVERNE

I wouldn't go to India.  I can do that at the laundromat.

FRANK

I'll give you some shirts.

And then after Frank says Edgar seems nice and has a nice suit, there was this.

FRANK

But the circus?  I mean if she's gonna train, why not train her to be a dental assistant?

LAVERNE

I don't want to spend my life saying "spit, rinse, and you have to floss more often."  Edgar says he can train me and I want to take a shot.

In the script, Frank objects to Edgar being "old," which was replaced (perhaps to preserve West's ego) with Edgar being out of work.

And they left out this part:

LAVERNE

Pop, didn't you hear him say his house guy was gonna be there?  We won't be alone.

FRANK

You think that makes me feel better?  Now it's two guys and you.  I think I'm beginning to understand "the triple."

And that's it for changes to this scene.  A few thoughts:

• Three weeks is a long time for Laverne to date a guy and have him not get her name right.  Shouldn't she be more suspicious?
• I think that is a Maharishi Mahesh Yogi joke, this being set around the time that the Beatles were involved with the MMY.  
• The dental assistant joke is a little random.
• They are really beating that "triple" group sex joke into the ground.
• Overall, this again isn't especially funny, but neither is the filmed episode.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene A

My copy of the script is missing the cover page, which says the date and which version it is.  But I've done a little detective work and I can place it roughly:

1. It's white, which seems to be the color for Rough Drafts.
2. It's coded on the cast list page as #60798-173.  "How's Your Sister?" is coded as #60798-174, so this is presumably meant to be the preceding episode, never mind the air-dates.  
3. "Buzzards" is #60798-162, and the Rough Draft is from September 9, 1982, while the "Sister" script is from December 13th.  So we can assume that this is somewhere in between.
4. "Gymnast" would air December 14th.  I can't imagine this copy is later than early November, considering the other drafts it would have to go through before shooting.

By this point, they definitely would've given up all hope of Cindy coming back, and indeed it's a very skeletal cast, just three regulars and two guests.

Anyway, we begin at Cowboy Bill's, at "Night":

THE RESTAURANT IS CLOSED.  THE TABLES ARE PUSHED ASIDE, CHAIRS ON TOP, AS FRANK IS ABOUT TO WAX THE FLOOR.  LAVERNE ENTERS VERY UPSET.

LAVERNE

I got stood up.  Can you believe it?  I thought stood up was one of those things that goes away after high school...  like zits.  The Creep.  I bet he wasn't even really Bob Dylan's brother.  (SHE NOTICES FRANK WITH THE MOP.)  Pop...  didn't you hear me... your muffin got stood up.

FRANK

What do you want from me?  I got stood up too.  I had wrestling tickets for tonight but I can't go because Pepino won't come in and clean up.

LAVERNE

He's sick?

FRANK

There's gotta be something wrong with him.  He's getting married tonight.

LAVERNE

So Mary finally got him to the altar.

FRANK

Not Mary...  Bob Eubanks.  They got chosen for the Newlywed Game.  Figured they better make it legal.

LAVERNE

The perfect Hollywood romance.  Met on the Dating Game, married on the Newlywed Game.  I hope they don't wind up in Divorce Court.

FRANK

Don't give him any ideas.  Bad enough he's taking tonight off.

LAVERNE

Can't you get someone else?

FRANK

No.  Pepino's like family.  Works for wages like family.  Cheap.

LAVERNE

I'll clean up, Pop.

FRANK

I couldn't ask you to do that, but since you want to...

FRANK WHIPS HIS APRON OFF AND HANDS IT AND THE MOP TO LAVERNE.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Don't forget the corners.

FRANK EXITS.  LAVERNE LOOKS AT THE WAX INSTRUCTIONS.

LAVERNE

(READING) "Caution".  "Do not take internally, avoid contact with eye."  Boy, what kind of jerk would want to wax their eye?

LAVERNE OPENS THE THE PLASTIC BOTTLE.  IT SQUIRTS IN HER FACE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Good thing it's okay to squirt it in your nose.

This all got left out and when the filmed scene opens, Laverne is waxing the floor when Rhonda enters with "a handsome, muscular man in his forties.  He has a cane."  For whatever reason, Edgar's last name in the script was "Van Dyke," rather than "Garibaldi."

After Edgar tells Laverne that her hands are too lovely to hold a mop, this was omitted:

RHONDA

Speaking of hands, Laverne, don't you recognize these?  (HOLDS UP EDGAR'S HANDS).

LAVERNE

Uh, a commercial maybe?  'M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hands.'  (TO EDGAR) You're the hands right?

EDGAR

Nothing so glamorous.

In the script, after Laverne asks if the bearded lady is really a guy, Edgar replies, "Not ours, she was a big, mean woman.  But perhaps you and I could go out for dinner and talk more about it."  Onscreen, Rhonda says this is no question to ask on a first date, and Edgar offers to tell Laverne about the tattooed lady.

After Edgar calls Laverne agile and graceful, she was supposed to say, "That was nothing.  I've had a lot of practice dodging angry customers," and then he'd remark, "And so modest."  And after Laverne says that she hopes she doesn't remind Edgar of the fat lady, he'd say, "They would have run us out of town if our fat lady was as beautiful as you," which would make Laverne go, "Awww."

In the script, Rhonda says, "Ta ta" and exits, but onscreen Laverne has to tell her to get lost before she goes.

Onscreen, after Edgar asks if Laverne ever wears her hair up, she holds it up but then says her arms are getting tired, so he holds it up, and she hopes his arms won't get tired.  In the script, Laverne "dreamily" tells him, "Anyway you like it.  Up.  Down.  Off...," and then they exit.

Thoughts:

• It's another Laverne/mop episode.
• How late at night is it that Laverne got stood up but is still able to go out to dinner at a presumably much nicer restaurant?  We know Frank sometimes torments his customers very late at night, but maybe he didn't bother this time since he was hoping to go to a wrestling match.
• This script has one of several references to Dylan in the California years.
• Frank sure is lacking in sympathy to everyone but himself here.
• Who the heck is Pepino?
• I thought for a moment that Mary the Waitress got married, but that doesn't really fit with meeting on The Dating Game.
• The first part of the scene isn't particularly funny or necessary, but it does mean that Frank's appearance in the episode is cut shorter.
• The Rhonda-Laverne-Edgar dialogue is about equal in both versions.  I ended up giving the finished product a C, and I think this script is going to be pretty average, too.
• It is worth noting though, this episode fits the recurring theme of Laverne reshaping herself to please men, in this script even offering to shave her head!

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene L

And it's back to the apartment, during the "day."  And you might think that we'd see Shirley again, and maybe even hear some mention of her marriage and/or pregnancy, but, no.  It's almost exactly what would air five and a half months later.

We did lose Squiggy saying that they were "going on another expedition in the great tradition of Lewis and Martin," i.e. Jerry and Dean, as well as his line, "C'mon, Len, let's get out of these sheets and into our trapping gear.  In the great tradition of Pat and Daniel Boone, we're going hunting."  The part about shuffleboard was added.

So there you go, a fine script, maybe a bit funnier than what aired, or maybe I was too harsh (and depressed by Season Eight) in giving the filmed episode a B-.  Our next expedition into this darkest, but not deepest season begins tomorrow....

"Blansky's Beauties," Episodes Number Nine and Ten

"Nancy Meets Pa Bates" aired on April 16th.  Some things of note:

• In the opening, some of the Beauties flirt with Joey, and then Arnold wishes he was Joey.  So I guess he's widowed or divorced by this point?  ("Arnold's Wedding" had aired on March, 2, 1976.)  Or just a flirt?  I need to know this for my Nanold fic.
• I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but the dance numbers are terrible.
• "I didn't mean to poke you with my pole."
• I'm not even Southern and I'm offended by the "Arkansas" character.
• Anthony asks Sunshine to help him get dressed.  Is this the creepiest twelve-year-old on '70s sitcoms or have I mercifully blanked out on the rest?  (OK, Little Earl on What's Happening!! had his moments, but he was only nine.  And hitting on a thirteen-year-old.)
• Scott Baio in a leisure suit.  Yes, I'm going to screen-cap this....
• Pa Bates is such a hick he's never heard of slot machines.
• A gambling addiction?  This must be a Very Special Episode.
• Arnold has a Rhonda-like tendency to refer to himself by his first name.
• Charo reference.
• Wow, that is the first thing on this series I actually laughed at, Nancy slapping a man for saying, "Let's shoot craps"!
• They repeat the slap gag a few times.  Nancy and guest Warren Berlinger actually have good comic timing on it.
• "Tomorrow I'm gonna have chitlin foo young on the menu."
• Nancy and Arnold are going hiking in the desert and he promises her a good time.  See, you ship it now, right?
• And Anthony hits on three girls his own age, playing spin the bottle.
• This is Joe Glauberg's only BBeauties script, but he did write ten Happy Days episodes, including the historic My Favorite Orkan.

"To Nancy with Love" aired on April 30th.  Here are my notes:

• Random Laverne cameo in the opening.
• I could've lived my life happily without ever hearing Arnold sing, or call his waitresses "hot to trot."
• Second laugh, Nancy's reaction to the intercom.
• The camel is named Irma.
• Oh, goody, a reprise of the "French Foreign Legion" number.  Except, the camel doesn't actually show up this time.
• This is one of four episodes that Alan Rafkin directed, but the only one on this disc.  And Warren S. Murray is back, after doing the pilot.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene K

It is now "one hour later":

FRANK, CARMINE AND THE BOYS ARE PRETTY WELL DRUNK, AND SING "WE AIN'T GOT A BARREL OF MONKEYS..."

FRANK/CARMINE/LENNY/SQUIGGY

(SINGING) "WE AIN'T GOT A BARREL OF MONKEYS, MAYBE WE'RE RAGGED AND MONKEYS..."

Sadly, this was omitted, and when the scene opens, the four men are drunk, but lying on the ground in a pile, not singing.  Squiggy's line about loving "Jay" actually ran, "Frank.  May I call you Frank... I love you.  (TO CARMINE) I love you...  and (TO LENNY) I love you..."  The "son I never wanted" exchange was indeed in the script.  But instead of Carmine's joke about his father and the two chairs, which makes Squiggy think Mr. Ragusa was a lovely man, there was instead this:

CARMINE

I remember when I was with my father.  He used to always smell like olives.

LENNY

Green or black?

CARMINE

He ate both kinds.  He smelled both ways.

And instead of Squiggy telling Lenny that if the "Grim Reefer" claims him, he'll leave Lenny his picture of Raymond Burr, which Lenny promises to leave back to him, it instead ran this way:

SQUIGGY

I may be rushing things, but, Len, you old sawbuck you, you've been just like a friend to me.  I'm gonna leave you my collection of old socks and all my used handkerchiefs.

LENNY

Thanks, Squig.  The socks never fit, but the handkerchiefs always seemed to be just the right size.

CARMINE

That's beautiful.

LENNY

Carmine, you can have my autograph photo of Mothra, and all of Squiggy's old socks.

Frank's wish that they'd all been this close when they were alive, and Carmine's cry of "Yeah, one for all and all for one" were kept.  But in the filmed version, the boys are rescued because they're at a nuclear testing site, while here are the last couple pages of the script:

CARMINE HUGS SQUIGGY.  LENNY HUGS CARMINE.  THEY ALL WALLA "I LOVE YOU'S."  WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A HELICOPTER APPROACHING.

CARMINE

Listen.  What that [sic]?

FRANK

(LOOKING UP) There!  It's a helicopter.

LENNY

(PUSHING CARMINE ASIDE) I'm saved!

CARMINE

Hey, what happened to all for one?

LENNY

I'm one, you're two.  They can be three and four.

SQUIGGY MAKES A MOVE TOWARDS THE HELICOPTER, BUT FRANK THROWS HIM ASIDE.

FRANK

No one's getting saved before me.

SQUIGGY

I thought I was like a son.

FRANK

Fine.  Women and children last.

THE SOUND OF THE HELICOPTER MOVES AWAY.

FRANK (CON'TD)

They can't see us.  (TAKES BOTTLE)  I'll signal to them with this...

FRANK TAKES THE EMPTY BOTTLE AND TRIES TO BLOW OVER THE OPENING.  HE MAKES LITTLE IF ANY SOUND.

SQUIGGY

Gimme that.  I'll show you how to play it.

SQUIGGY SNATCHES THE BOTTLE AND FLINGS IT UPWARD AT THE HELICOPTER.

LENNY

Wait.  They see it.  They're landing, Squig.  And they're throwing something back at you.

THE BOTTLE COMES DOWN AND SMASHES TO PIECES ON A ROCK.

SQUIGGY

Quick, Len.  We'll glue the glass together and fill it with old coffee.  Then we'll put the cork back in and sell it.

LENNY

We'll be rich again.  How many bottles can there be of Napoleon Coffee?

THE BOYS GET DOWN DRUNKENLY AND BEGIN TO GATHER PIECES OF BROKEN GLASS.

Squiggy really is more of a jerk in the rough draft than the filmed episode.  But I would say that this scene is a bit funnier in this version.  Also, I appreciate that, unlike some Season Eight writers, Goldberg and Alu seem to understand these characters and know that Lenny likes not only Bosco but Mothra.  I think it's interesting that Frank bonds best with Squiggy when they're drunk, like in the script for "Debutante Ball," where Frank has Squiggy call him Pop, and then Frank says, "I love it.  I always did want a son," to which Squiggy would reply, "I always did want a father."

And speaking of fathers and sons, is Carmine's father dead?

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene J

It's a few hours later.  The first couple lines made it in, but they omitted Squiggy saying, "Why don't we just find us a cactus to suck on?", and Carmine's reply, " 'Cause we're in the Devil's Anvil.  There's no cactus here."  With minor variations, the next page and a half made it in, but this is how the rest of the scene went, after Carmine tells Squiggy that he should drink some of the brandy:

SQUIGGY

Are you crazy?  There's a principle involved here.

CARMINE

Have it your way.  (STARTS TO OFFER THE BOTTLE TO LENNY)

SQUIGGY

(GRABS BOTTLE)  Lucky for me I got no principles.

LENNY

My turn, Squig.

SQUIGGY

(POINTING) Snake!

LENNY QUICKLY TURNS TO LOOK AND SQUIGGY SNEAKS ANOTHER DRINK.  LENNY TURNS BACK.

LENNY

I didn't see no snake.

SQUIGGY

Musta been a fish.  (HANDS BOTTLE TO LEN)  Here, and just one sip like the rest of us.

LENNY DRINKS.

CARMINE

Lenny, how's it feel to swallow five hundred dollars' worth of brandy all at once?

LENNY

Call me a gadfly if you will, but I prefer my brandy with a twist of Bosco.

AS THEY ALL BEGIN TO GRAB FOR THE BOTTLE, "PASS THAT OVER HERE," "MY TURN," "YOU HAD A TURN," "GIMME," WE [segue to Scene K]

One thing about this script, Squiggy has fewer principles than he does in the filmed version.  Perhaps Lander wanted that toned down, due to the dire circumstances.  Lenny, in contrast, is truly adorable, Bosco and all.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scenes E and H

Still the desert in parallel time.

AS THE SUN COMES UP, WE SEE THAT AN EARLY MORNING SAND DRIFT HAS BURIED A SLEEPING FRANK AND CARMINE UP TO THEIR FACES.  FRANK WAKES UP AND NOTICES THIS PREDICAMENT.  ONE HAND IS STICKING OUT OF THE SAND.  HE LETS SAND RUN THROUGH HIS EXPOSED FINGERS.

FRANK

What is this?  I musta been eatin' crackers in bed again.  This ain't crackers, it's sand.  Hey, Carmine, wake up!

CARMINE

(AWAKE) Whatever happened to good morning?  (NOTICES SAND) and what happened to us?

FRANK

Must've been a sandstorm.  C'mon, let's get out of these things.

THEY STRUGGLE TO GET THE SAND OFF THEIR BAGS BY KICKING WITH THEIR FEET AND PUNCHING WITH THEIR HANDS.  AS THE SAND SLIDES OFF, THEY CONTINUE STRUGGLING.  WE REALIZE THAT THEY ARE ALSO STUCK IN THEIR SLEEPING BAGS.  THEY FLAIL AROUND, KICK, TWIST, BITE THE ZIPPER WITH THEIR TEETH, ETC.   THEY MANAGE TO GET ONTO THEIR FEET, AND BEGIN HOPPING AROUND LIKE SACKS OF POTATOES.

CARMINE

Okay, that's it.  Emergency measures needed here.  This calls for my Italian Swiss Army Knife.

CARMINE FIDDLES WITH SOMETHING INSIDE HIS SLEEPING BAG.  A KNIFE BLADE POKES THROUGH THE BAG INSIDE AND SLIDES DOWNWARD AND THEN UP UNTIL IT HAS CUT A SLIT THE LENGTH OF THE SLEEPING BAG.  CARMINE SQUIRMS OUT.

FRANK

Now get me out before my mustache melts.

CARMINE APPROACHES FRANK WITH THE KNIFE.  HE IS ABOUT TO CUT OPEN THE BAG.  FRANK REACTS.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Carmine, you don't need a knife to open a zipper.

CARMINE

You take the fun out of everything.

CARMINE UNZIPS FRANK'S SLEEPING BAG AND HELPS HIM OUT.

FRANK

The fun went when we left Burbank.

CARMINE DISCOVERS THE BOYS' SLEEPING BAGS AND PULLS THEM OUT OF THE SAND.

This was all left out and it probably would've been hard to stage, but there are some cute lines here.  The next half page, including the part about Lenny's coloring book, made it in.  Then the last part of this scene was omitted:

FRANK

Those no good bums.  I say we find 'em and wring their scrawny little chicken necks.

CARMINE

Relax.  Their part of the map doesn't work by itself.  When they figure that out, they'll probably come back.

FRANK

Are you nuts?  This is the desert.  We're lost.  The only way they'd stumble back here would be out of dumb luck.

CARMINE

(BEAT)  We'll wait.

Scene E ends here and there's a time-skip for Scene H, although it's still "parallel time":

FRANK AND CARMINE HAVE MADE A TENT OF SORTS OUT OF THE SLEEPING BAGS AND ARE SITTING ON LAWN CHAIRS IN THE SHADE.  THEY ARE SIPPING WATER FROM CUPS CUT OUT OF CACTUS SHAPED LIKE AN ARROW, AND FANNING THEMSELVES WITH THEIR SECTIONS OF THE MAPS.

CARMINE

They've been gone for hours.  Do you think they could've found the treasure?

Onscreen, there's no time-skip and we don't know how long Lenny and Squiggy have been gone, but Carmine does wonder if they've found the treasure.  The rest of the scene got in with mostly minor variations. 

Notable changes:

• The part about Anzio and Coney Island was added.  
• Squiggy was supposed to be crawling, while Lenny would be "using the shovel as a crutch," and then Frank would "yank the shovel" away, so he can dig with it, but onscreen Frank and Carmine have already unearthed the treasure before the boys enter.
• Squiggy was supposed to react to "Napolean [sic] Brandy" with "I don't care who it belongs to.  Finders keepers... losers weepers..." rather than the slightly better "He was my favorite president."
• And Frank was supposed to say, "Rich people collect [brandy] and put it in their basements," to which Lenny would reply, "Couldn't do that at my house.  That's where my mother kept the grapefruit."

This continues to be a solid episode, in both the final draft and the finished product.  The reference to Lenny's mother is less puzzling than the one in "The Duke of Squiggman," since he may be speaking of a time in his very early childhood.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene D

Act Two opens the next morning:

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE WANDERING IN THE DESERT.

LENNY

I think we're lost.

SQUIGGY

(PANICKING) I think we're lost?  I think we're lost?!!  Why don't you worry about yourself for a change.

LENNY

I think we're lost.

SQUIGGY

Who cares?  We're lost.

Squiggy panicking was, well, lost and they skipped to his line about what a bad idea it was to leave a trail of sand.  The next couple pages (including Lenny whining) made it in with minor modifications.  Then this exchange was omitted:

LENNY

But I'm thirsty.  You got any cups?

SQUIGGY

What do we need cups for?

LENNY

Beats me.  I'm just trying to keep a pleasant conversational flow going.  You're the one who drank all the water.  I need something to drink.

SQUIGGY

"I, I, I."  You're really a member of the "We Generation," aren't you?"

Then Squiggy makes the suggestion to think of something that will make him drool, so Lenny says he'll think about water.  For some reason, the filmed version has a brief time dissolve, so that Squiggy can tan himself.  When Rhonda appears, she was supposed to sing, "Cool, cool water."

Interestingly, when Squiggy tells Lenny it's a mirage, it was supposed to be Lenny saying that Rhonda almost touched him, rather than him almost touching her.  In the episode, Lenny says it's on the face, so Squiggy says (since Lenny is lying down), it must be a short woman.  But in the script, when Lenny says she almost touched him on the face, Squiggy tells him, "You got a very clean imagination," which is kind of adorable.

And that's about it for changes.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene C

The next several scenes are set "EXT. DESERT," and this one is in the "late afternoon":

FRANK, CARMINE, AND SQUIGGY ARE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.  LENNY LOOKS LIKE A PACK MULE, AS HE IS CARRYING ALL THE GEAR.

That is what we see, but there's some added dialogue about Squiggy eating all the food.  Here how the dialogue goes in the script:

FRANK

Running out of gas in the middle of the desert.  What a stupid thing to do.

SQUIGGY 

In this dog meets dog world, you do what you gotta do.

LENNY

Well, my dogs are killin' me.

CARMINE

What did you expect walking barefoot?

LENNY

I don't want to get sand in my shoes.  All right with you, Captain Cactus?

They kept the "dog meets dog world" line but not the rest.  Then the next page made it in until we hit this:

CARMINE

Hey, pass me the water, Squiggy.

FRANK

Go easy on it.  We could be here a long time.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, but if we suck it right down, we won't have to worry about it.

FRANK REACTS AND LOOKS AROUND.

FRANK

Stranded, for who knows how long -- with you guys.  I got it!  I died and this is my punishment.

And when Carmine tells Frank that this is beginning to look like a bad idea, Squiggy tells him, "Oh yeah?   Well, you ain't exactly the life of Death Valley."

The rest of the scene made it in with minor modifications.  So far, surprise!Shirley aside, this script is mostly what we'd see months later.  I'm OK with that, however, because it is laugh-out-loud funny.  It is interesting though that they made Squiggy more selfish right off in the filmed version.  And, yep, Lenny deliberately was supposed to look like a pack mule, which McKean does well.

Anyway, this ends Act I and there is indeed a commercial break after Squiggy schemes to ditch Frank and Carmine the next morning and Lenny agrees.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene B

We next go to Cowboy Bill's, "a few hours later":

FRANK IS PULLING GLASSES OUT OF A CARRYING RACK AND PLACING THEM ON THE SERVICE COUNTER.  CARMINE INSPECTS ONE OF THE GLASSES.

CARMINE

Mr. De Fazio, these glasses have so much dirt on them they look like bus windows.

FRANK

What can I do?  I can't afford a new dishwasher, so I gotta stick with the old one.

CARMINE

Want me to take a wrench to it?

FRANK

Nah, he's close to retirement.  You'd break his heart.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.  SQUIGGY IS WEARING A BERNOOSE AND WIELDING A WALKING STICK.  LENNY WEARS AN UMBRELLA HAT AND CARRIES AN ELECTRIC FAN WHICH HE PLACES ON A TABLE.

The Carmine & Frank exchange was left out (probably for the best), and Lenny and Squiggy got more traditionally Old West outfits.

After that, the rest of the scene (not counting Landerian flourishes and whatnot) basically made it in, "What hats?" and all, although we lost Squiggy's "Lemme figure something out.  Ten minus five plus a hamburger, divided by some cheese....  (BEAT)  Deal.  But you only get a third so that me and Len can keep half," and gained "Frankie" kissing Squiggy on the cheek and Squiggy wondering, "Why do older men find me so attractive?"

Also, in the script, Squiggy tells Carmine, "I'm sure you'll add an element of charm to our safari," while as filmed he says it'll be nice to have "a leading man" on their safari, and then Carmine says he's not going to kiss Squiggy.

Lenny's fan joke is in the script, although there it's the one he brought in, rather than the one he borrows from the restaurant.

I don't have a lot to say about this scene, other than it's solid and obviously met with Michael and David's approval.

"Please Don't Feed the Buzzards," Scene A

So, you know how "Please Don't Feed the Buzzards" was the last Michael McKean episode to air?  Well, that's not how it was intended.  In fact, our story begins several months earlier, with the Final Draft on September 9, 1982.

Notice anything about the cast list?  And I don't mean that Kosnowski and Ragusa are definitely Z-less, but Squiggy still gets one G and two N's in his last name.  There's a certain name, second from the top, that may surprise you.  Remember, this was a couple weeks after the "Death Row II" script had Laverne wishing Shirley were there.  Was there a possibility Cindy was coming back after all?  Or is this a vestigial trait from an even earlier draft?

We begin in the Girls' Apartment, during the Day:

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.  {Squee!}  THE GIRLS ARE CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS.  LENNY CARRIES A SUITCASE.  THEY ALL HAVE JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING AT A SWAP MEET.

SHIRLEY

Now that's what I call a successful swap meet.  Three dollars for an original copy of Elvis singing "Hound Dog."

SHIRLEY CROSSES TO THE RECORD PLAYER AND PUTS HER RECORD ON.  WE HEAR:

RECORD (V.O.)

(RECORD SKIPPING) "YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T, YOU AIN'T..."

SHIRLEY

I didn't know he stuttered on his earlier recordings.

LAVERNE

Garbage, Shirl.  You bought garbage.

LENNY

We was gonna buy garbage, but it was too expensive.

For some reason, none of this made it in, and instead Laverne is alone onscreen and spring-cleaning when the boys show up with their "boss suitcase."  The part about Amelia Earhard (Shirley's "correction" of "Emelio Airhead") made it in, with that line going to Laverne, who kept the line about Amelia being lost forty years ago, although it was more like thirty at the time that Season Eight takes place.

Then came this:

SQUIGGY

And what did you buy that's so special, Captain History?

LAVERNE REACHES INTO HER BAG AND PULLS OUT A BLONDE "MARILYN MONROE-TYPE" WIG

SHIRLEY

Laverne, what a lovely dust cloth.

LAVERNE

Dust cloth?  This wig was worn by Marilyn Monroe in "Some Like It Hot."  Look.

LAVERNE PUTS ON WIG, STRIKES A POSE, THE BOYS GO WILD, "RONNIE", ETC.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(TAKING OFF WIG) You're right, Shirl.  This'll make a lovely dust cloth.

SQUIGGY

Aw, put it back on... Put it back on.  Put it back on.

LAVERNE

(PICKING UP SHOPPING BAG) I'm taking my Marilyn Monroe dust cloth, (PULLS OUT RED-HAIRED WIG) and my Susan Hayward floor mop.  Go back to the swap meet and try to sell them to a janitor.  (MOVES TOWARD DOOR)

SHIRLEY

Wait.  (PULLING RECORDS OUT OF SHOPPING BAG) I'm coming with you.  I want to sell my set of Elvis coasters.

THE GIRLS EXIT.

SQUIGGY

Rude women.  Leaving us alone.

LENNY

Yeah.  And not so much as a "get outta here."  (INDICATING SUITCASE) But, at least we got a new place to store our bacon grease.  Things was gettin' pretty sticky in the bathtub.

SQUIGGY

True.  True.  But that grease was a gift horse on lonely nights.

Then the part about Lenny opening up the suitcase and hoping to find a ticket to "Hulalulu" was kept, along with the most of the rest of the remaining two pages, but I would've loved to have had this little gem, after Lenny says "Padre" was probably sorry he made the treasure so hard to find:

SQUIGGY

Not that hard.  Where can you find cactus and sand together?

LENNY

The beach?

SQUIGGY

No wonder you never tan.

Thoughts:

• Core Four!  Oh, my little heart!
• And how cute is it that they all went to the swap meet together?  I only wish there was a scene with that.
• Instead of the pain of Killer threatening to torture Laverne to Elvis, here Shirley buys a set of warped Elvis records.  (A symbol of how much had changed since the '50s?)
• "We was gonna buy garbage," of course you were, Sweetie.  You almost bought a garbage truck instead of an ice cream truck.
• I don't even care that Andy Goldberg and Cheryl Alu are saying that Marilyn wore a wig in Some Like It Hot.  Laverne puts on the wig and strikes a pose (a sexy pose obvs) and the boys go wild!  They Ronnie!  They etc.!
• Squiggy is the one who verbalizes his lust more.  Is Lenny's hand still jammed into his own mouth?  What would they have done over the red Susan Hayward wig?
• Also, I don't know what this does for the Lenny = mop theory, but there you go.
• The boys are offended that the girls don't even have the common courtesy to stay and kick them out.
• Oh dear, bacon grease in the bathtub?  That's, well, in character.
• As is whatever the hell Squiggy does with it to ease his loneliness.
• The "tan" exchange is just so perfect.

This is a delightful start, and I'm not just saying that because it's in Season Eight.