"Call Me a Taxi," Scene B

We and the girls head to the "Pizza Bowl - later that night":

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE TALKING TO FRANK.

LAVERNE

Please, Poppy, please.  For your Muffin.  (TO SHIRLEY) Will you come over here?

SHIRLEY

Oh, please.  Please.  All we want is work.  Honest work.

FRANK

Work?  Sure, here, work.

FRANK TAKES OFF HIS APRON AND PUTS IT ON LAVERNE.  HE SHOVES A PIZZA PAN IN SHIRLEY'S HAND.

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) What'd I tell you?  What'd I tell you?

SHIRLEY

Oh thank you, you won't regret this!  Paying us minimum will be just fine.

FRANK

Paying?!?

FRANK GRABS PIZZA PAN BACK FROM SHIRLEY, TAKES THE APRON OFF LAVERNE.

LAVERNE

Well, we need money.  We gotta get paid --

FRANK

Okay, you tell Mary she don't work here anymore, you can have the pay.

LAVERNE

Shirl, can we do that?

MARY COMES OVER.

SHIRLEY

Hi, Mary.  So how're you doing?

MARY

Fine, thanks.  My leg's healing, but I'm still paying for the operation.

MARY EXITS.

LAVERNE

You had to ask how're you doing?

CARMINE ENTERS FROM BOWLING ALLEY.  SHIRLEY STOPS HIM.

That all got summarized by Laverne saying in voiceover that her father can't help but maybe Carmine can.

They shortened Laverne's line "Gimme a list of your old customers.  Maybe some are out on parole," dropping that second sentence.  And this was also left out:

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE) Remember my finger.  This time if you start with Rosie, you're on your own.

LAVERNE

I'll try to handle it.

ROSIE

Too bad... you girls are my favorite charity... Bucks for Bimbos.

LAVERNE STARTS FOR ROSIE AGAIN.  SHIRLEY PUSHES HER DOWN.  SHIRLEY PULLS THE BANDAGE OFF, HANDS IT TO LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

Okay, Rose.  Let's go.

TURNS TO ROSIE, STARTS TO GO FOR HER AS MARY ENTERS WITH PIZZA BOX.

MARY

Pizza's ready.

SHIRLEY

You got saved by a pizza this time.  Next time you won't be so lucky.

SHIRLEY SITS DOWN.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I showed her.

LAVERNE SHOVES THE BANDAGE BACK ON SHIRLEY'S FINGER.

They omitted Carmine saying, "The record changer came back with a new girl."

They dropped the last part of the scene:

SHIRLEY

What kind of guys go there, Carmine?

CARMINE

Regular guys.

SHIRLEY

You ever go there?

CARMINE

Are you kidding?  Only guys who are hard up go there.

CARMINE EXITS.  THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

LAVERNE

Sounds good to me.

SHIRLEY NODS IN AGREEMENT.

Thoughts:

• Yet another example of Frank material being chopped for time.  It's not necessary, but it does offer some insight into his character and, yes, give Mary a smidgen of backstory.
• Not only do Rosie and Laverne butt heads a bit more in the script, but Shirley gets scrappy!
• Carmine's denial is both suspicious and yet somehow reassuring to Shirley.

"Call Me a Taxi," Scene A

On January 10, 1977, a mere three weeks before "Call Me a Taxi" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was submitted.  ("Playing Hookey" would air on Jan. 11th.)  There won't be any major changes here, but there will definitely be some changes.

We start in the "girls' apartment - early evening."  

The references to Big Henry (of "Lonely at the Middle"), Fat Waldo, and Bertha were added, a change from offscreen characters being referred to in the script but not onscreen.  Well, there is the stage direction "ad lib about other employees crying," so maybe we can credit Penny and Cindy for this.

They left out the detail that Mrs. Babish is dating a banker.  Most of this was omitted after Squiggy hands Mrs. Babish money:

MRS. BABISH

Great!  You wrote your names on all these bills.

SHE STARTS OUT.

LENNY

First rule of camp.  Label everything.

SHE EXITS.

SHIRLEY

What'd you guys do?  Stick up a Texaco?

SQUIGGY

How insulting!

LAVERNE

When they laid off the bottlers, they put the truckers on overtime.

SQUIGGY

You girls have been doin' such a banged up job of bottlecapping you aced yourselves right out of work.

LENNY

They got so much beer piled up, the drivers gotta work millions of hours to catch up.

The filmed scene ends on Squiggy's "American Way" line, but this scene goes on for another couple pages:

LENNY

Look, if you girls are really desperate you can move in with us.

LENNY DOES A RONNY.

SHIRLEY

My darling, we can never be that desperate.

SQUIGGY

My darling, that's what they all say.  Come on, Lenny, we got things to do. We're taking the rest of our overtime and buying a grammar school.  We gotta look for desks and audition co-eds.

LENNY

Can I be the hygiene teacher?

THEY EXIT.

LAVERNE

Okay, we better go beg my father for a job.

SHIRLEY

We don't have to do that.

LAVERNE

He'll never give us a job if we don't beg.

SHIRLEY

We don't have to work at the Pizza Bowl.  You're thinking low and I'm thinking high.  We could become temporary office help... O'Reilly Girls.  We'll never have to go back to the Brewery again.

LAVERNE

Do we type?

SHIRLEY

No.

LAVERNE

Do we take shorthand?

SHIRLEY

No.

LAVERNE

And you around paper.

SHIRLEY

Don't.

LAVERNE

What if you get a paper cut.

SHIRLEY REACTS.  THEY EXIT.

Thoughts:

• I can't picture Lenny going to summer camp, although maybe it was a charity thing.
• Shirley automatically assumes the boys have committed armed robbery.
• Of course it's Lenny who suggests the girls move in with them.
• Shirley's use of "my darling" is surprising, even if she means it as sarcastically as Squiggy does in his retort.
• Squiggy would rather audition preteen "co-eds"!
• And Lenny wants to teach Hygiene, which is basically '50s Sex Ed!
• Laverne's default is to ask her father for a job, which would hold true even in the California years.
• Shirley sees a pink-collar job as a step up from blue-collar, but they don't have the training for that.
• There is the bit about papercuts onscreen and in the script earlier, so that is a running joke, one that we'll return to.

"Look Before You Leap," Scenes J and K

With "continuous action," we go to the "girls' bedroom - day (morning)."  In the script, Frank sits next to Laverne on the bed right before saying, "Talk," but this doesn't happen onscreen until later.  In the script, Frank says, "You're my baby, my Muffin...," while onscreen he says the thing about "famiglia."

Here's Frank's rant from the script: "Omigod... thought you were smart...  How... those movies you saw... who... I got a gun from the service... (STARTS PULLING HIS HAIR)  I'm gonna clean it, I'm gonna kill the guy."  Onscreen, there's no mention of movies or his gun, although the latter will make an unexpected appearance in Season Seven's "Crime Isn't Pretty."

In the script, when Frank "wraps Laverne in a hug," he says, "Muffin, my little Muffin," rather than the less obviously sentimental "It's okay, it's okay."

Onscreen, we'd get a comical although sweet bit with Frank "helping" Laverne with her hat and coat.  The version in the script saves its joke until the very end:

HE BRINGS LAVERNE TO HER FEET, HELPS HER ON WITH HER COAT.  HE BUNDLES HER UP AS A FATHER WOULD TO A YOUNG CHILD.  HE PUSHES A LOOSE STRAND OF HAIR UNDER HAT.

FRANK

You tell me the news, soon as you find out.  Either way.

LAVERNE

I will.

THEY HUG EACH OTHER, AND THEN START OUT HOLDING EACH OTHER AROUND THE WAIST.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)
Pop.  I got somethin' else to tell you.

FRANK

What?

LAVERNE    

You got a meatball stuck to your neck.

THEY EXIT.

The tag is only one page and has more handwritten wardrobe notes on it, so here it is:

Thoughts:

• As with other parts of this script, they had a good solid base that just needed to be polished by the time of filming.  This Frank is a tad too sentimental to be canonical, although I admit that the circumstances would soften him somewhat.  Not that the repeated Muffins aren't sweet to read of course.
• The meatball line doesn't make any sense, and it's better to not end this emotional scene on a gag like that.
• As for the tag, the general idea was kept, but again polished, including the boys accidentally Ronnying a man. 
• In the DVD version, Carmine does not sing "Chances Are" (a song that would turn out to have significance to Laverne later).  
• The Core Four hopping up and down is cute but a bit over the top.
• The Fredna cheek-kiss is interesting.
• The entire audience joining in (I assume the PB crowd) is also a bit much.
• And, yes, there's nothing of Laverne trying to hide against Lenny's chest.

"Look Before You Leap," Scene H

Laverne was supposed to be wearing galoshes, because of the snow, but she's actually in high heels.  Shirley's snow hat is described as "adorable."  The dialogue is faithful at first, although Shirley laughs much more onscreen.  The script does have the added detail that Laverne has been getting sick every morning for three weeks, which considering the vat incident happened only a month ago, feels really early for morning sickness.

You can see the outfits in the handwritten notes are what we'd get onscreen, but in the script, the guys are "wearing their brewery jumpsuits.  Lenny has on his 'Lone Wolf" jacket and is wearing a clip-on tie."  Squiggy suggesting that he and Shirley step into the bedroom was added.

Lenny trying to carry Laverne to the couch was not in the script!  On the other hand, after Laverne suggests Lenny sit down, in the script he was supposed to "vault over the back of the couch and bounce for a second next to Laverne."

In the script, Lenny's last name is spelled "Kosnovsky," almost there.  After Lenny tells her what it means, she would say, "I never knew that," rather than the filmed "That's nice."

In the script, "Lenny startles her by leaping to his knee," but onscreen there's more up and down between them.

Also, in the script, "Lenny pulls his jacket up over his head and points to 'Lone Wolf' on the back," and then Laverne says, "Let me help you there," and "then he slides the jacket back in place."

The stage direction after his proposal is "Lenny lays his head like a puppy on Laverne's knee.  Laverne is genuinely touched."  In the script, she "surreptitiously wipes off her knee," after he raises his head, which I'm glad was dropped.  She was also supposed to "lightly punch him on the chin" after calling him "Big dope," but it's much sweeter that she rubs his shoulder.

On the other hand, here's what happened after she calls him "a real sweet guy":

It's possible there's a quick cheek kiss right as the scene fades out, but it's hard to tell.  The part with Shirley coming in is actually also from Scene H.  Here's the transition:

LENNY

Well... Gotta get to work...

HE STARTS OUT.

LAVERNE

Bye, Len.

LENNY

See ya around.

LAVERNE

Okay.

LENNY

I'm gonna be goin' now.

LAVERNE

Uh huh.

LENNY

Say, let's do this again sometime...

LAVERNE

Goodbye, Lenny.

LENNY EXITS, WAVING.  LAVERNE SMILES, CROSSES TO KITCHEN.

LAVERNE

Laverne "Help There's a Hog in My Kitchen!"

SHE STARTS MAKING HERSELF A MILK AND PEPSI.  AFTER A FEW BEATS, SHIRLEY ENTERS, TEARY-EYED.

The main difference in the dialogue after that is that Frank shows up and keeps knocking fairly early on onscreen, while in the script it's not until after Laverne says that he can kill somebody else over the news about her problem.  And then there's this dropped dialogue:

SHIRLEY

Who is it?

FRANK (O.S.)

Me.

LAVERNE BECOMES UNDONE.  WE HEAR FRANK MUMBLE OUTSIDE.  

LAVERNE

(ON THE VERGE OF TEARS) I can't talk to him, and I'm not gonna.  Make him go away.

SHIRLEY

He won't go away.  You know him.  Sometimes he never goes away.

LAVERNE

I'm goin' into the bedroom, and I'm gonna stay there forever.

SHIRLEY

You got a doctor's appointment.

LAVERNE

I'm not goin'.  I'm not comin' outa that room ever again!

The chef being named Tony was an added, and canonical, detail.  They omitted this when Frank wants to go in to see Laverne:

SHIRLEY JUMPS IN FRONT OF HIM.

SHIRLEY

Wait a minute.  You got sauce all over your nosey.  Mr. De Fazio, how are you at taking horrible news?

FRANK

Terrific.

SHIRLEY

Let's say you went back to the Pizza Bowl, and you found out that the Knights of Pythias came and ordered 85 pizzas for their annual Pythias picnic, and Mary, your waitress forgot to collect the money, and you were out hundreds of dollars.  What would you do to her?

FRANK

(FURIOUS) I'd kill her... I'd get an axe...

SHIRLEY

What if Laverne did the same thing... would you get that angry at her?

FRANK

I'd yell a little bit... I'd yell a lot... But Laverne is Muffin... Muffin is family.

HE PUTS HIS HANDS TOGETHER LIKE HE'S PRAYING.  SHIRLEY IS RELIEVED.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Can I go in now?

SHIRLEY

Yes.

FRANK GRUNTS AND EXITS INTO BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
(CALLING AFTER HIM) Remember, you and Muffin... family.

Shirley's little rhyming prayer at the end made it in.

Thoughts;

• As with the filmed version, there are a lot of feels here.
• It's interesting that the stage directions got modified in all those various ways, generally moving in a direction of more affection, although I do wonder about the quick kiss.
• Lenny's drawn out goodbye is frickin' adorable, although I reluctantly concede it was probably necessary to drop for time constraints.
• And I have to wonder how Penny would've played Laverne musing on the meaning of her potential married name.
• Laverne is definitely more upset, and reluctant to face the world, in the script than onscreen.
• The Shirley & Frank exchange is interesting for its insights into how Frank sees Laverne (and of course it mentions Mary the Waitress), but I guess that comes through well enough in the following scene.
• Also, Nosey.  And Pythias Picnic.

"Look Before You Leap," Scenes D and E

Act Two opens still in the "girls' bedroom - early morning - day."  The only part that was dropped from short Scene D was the opening dialogue:

SHIRLEY

I thought you said it was all a dream. 

LAVERNE

I think it was a dream.  Don't you think I would remember if I had done it?  Bells would ring..  trumpets would sound... I didn't hear nothing...

This is relatively explicit, and sad, since Laverne presumably didn't reach orgasm.

Scene E takes us back to the present, in the "girls' living room - morning - day."  Edna having specifically five kids was added, and for some reason it was originally Edna's second baby, rather than her first, that she found out about on the street, although I think first makes more sense.  Otherwise, the scene is intact.

Next time, the big proposal scene (12 pages)....

"Look Before You Leap," Scenes B and C

Onscreen, we see Laverne's Alka-Seltzer bit but Shirley is in the kitchen and going to go into the bedroom until she drops a fork.  

They left out Carmine saying, "Why didn't you tell me they were here?", meaning the boys, and Shirley replying, "I didn't know you were gonna come in here yelling at me."  And a little later, Carmine was supposed to tell the boys, "Hey!  This is private!"  

They omitted Shirley saying, "The next morning I was in bed, fast asleep... Laverne thought she could fool me by sneaking in."

Otherwise, the scene is intact, so let's move on to Scene C, in the "Girls' Bedroom - Early Morning":

SHIRLEY IS IN BED ASLEEP.  LAVERNE TIPTOES IN, CROSSES TO DRESSER, TAKES OUT HER PAJAMAS.  SHE STARTS TO UNBOTTON [sic] HER BLOUSE.  SUDDENLY THE ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF.  LAVERNE REVERSES HER ACTION, STARTS BUTTONING UP HER BLOUSE.  SHIRLEY SITS UP, LOOKS AT LAVERNE.

LAVERNE

Rise and shine, sleepyhead.  I'm all ready for work.

SHIRLEY

Hmmm, speedy this morning, aren't you?  Made the bed and everything.

LAVERNE

Oh yeah, I got energy to burn today.  I'm rarin' to go here.

SHIRLEY

You can't pull the wool over me, Laverne.

LAVERNE

I went out to get the paper?

SHIRLEY

No.

LAVERNE

Milk?

SHIRLEY

No.

LAVERNE

(BEAT)  I stayed out all night?

SHIRLEY

Bingo.  Where were you?  I thought you were right behind me when I left the party.

LAVERNE

I was, but then I decided to stay and enter the Chug-a-lug contest.

SHIRLEY

Spare me.  And you got no sleep at all and now you'll probably fall asleep on the conveyor belt and you'll get docked just cause you had to Chug-a-lug.

LAVERNE

It was worth it.  I won.  Well, after the contest I got a little dizzy.

SHIRLEY

Gee, I wonder why.

LAVERNE

(SEES HERSELF IN MIRROR) Mighta been all that beer.  Oh, look at this....

For filming, they had Shirley sum up in voiceover Laverne chug-a-lugging and leaving late, and Laverne doesn't try to trick Shirley.  Both girls are awake as the scene opens onscreen, and Shirley is brushing her teeth.  The rest of the scene is faithful to the script, and Act One ends with both girls reacting to Laverne's boxer shorts.

A few thoughts:

• Omitting Scene A moves the reveal to this scene, so that the audience finds out at the same time as the men and Mrs. Babish.  I think this is stronger structurally, although there are things I like about Scene A.
• Carmine and Shirley argue a bit more here than onscreen.
• I think it's just as well they left out Laverne trying to trick Shirley.  It's better for the girls to be united from the start in this episode.

"Look Before You Leap," Scene A

Act One opens with a scene that did not actually air, so here it is in its entirety:

INT. GIRLS' BEDROOM - MORNING - DAY

LAVERNE, IN PAJAMAS, IS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF HER BED, HOLDING HER STOMACH.  SHE DROPS TWO ALKA SELTZER TABLETS INTO A GLASS OF WATER.  SHE TRIES TO DRINK IT BUT THE FIZZ UPSETS HER STOMACH EVEN MORE.  SHE SETS DOWN THE GLASS AS SHRIELY [sic] ENTERS CARRYING A BREAKFAST TRAY.  SHIRLEY IS WEARING HER ROBE.

SHIRLEY

(SING SONG) Come and get it.

LAVERNE

(SING SONG) Go and dump it.

SHIRLEY

There we go.

LAVERNE

(PUTS TRAY BACK ON BED) There we go.

SHIRLEY

Now, come on.  I want you t'eat this all up.

LAVERNE

I can't eat.  I feel like I just took six rides on the tilt-a-whirl at kiddy city.  All I can do is go back to bed.

LAVERNE GETS BACK UNDER THE COVERS.  DURING THE FOLLOWING, SHIRLEY PUNCTUATES HER SENTENCES BY PINCHING LAVERNE'S TOES TO CHEER HER UP.

SHIRLEY

You've been in bed all weekend.  You gotta get up some time.  What are you gonna do tomorrow when you have to go to work?

LAVERNE

I'm not goin' to work tomorrow.  I'm not goin' the next day.  I'm not leaving this bed.  Ever, anymore, again!

LAVERNE COVERS HER HEAD WITH HER PILLOW.  SHIRLEY LOOKS AT HER FOR A BEAT, CONCERNED.

SHIRLEY

Laverne.

LAVERNE

(MUFFLED) Yeah?

SHIRLEY

I found you a good doctor.

LAVERNE SITS UP AS SHIRLEY TAKES A SLIP OF PAPER FROM HER ROBE POCKET.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Robert Fishburn, M.D.  He's over at the Pfister Medical Building.  His number's right here...  (INDICATES PAPER)

LAVERNE

(GRABS PAPER) Oh great.  Where'd you find him?

SHIRLEY

He was recommended by Rosie Greenbaum.

LAVERNE

Rosie?  That fatso mouth?

SHIRLEY

She says this Fishburn is the best man for your problem.

LAVERNE

You didn't tell her it was for me, I hope.

SHIRLEY

Of course not.  I'm nobody's fool.  You'll call him and make an appointment.

LAVERNE

Okay.

SHIRLEY PICKS UP THE TRAY.

SHIRLEY

Good.  I'll get some Seven-Up and some soda crackers.  You'll feel better.

SHE STARTS OUT.

LAVERNE

Why'd you have to ask Rosie for a doctor?

SHIRLEY

She's married to a doctor.

LAVERNE

He's just a proctologist.

SHIRLEY

A brilliant proctologist.  People bend over backwards to get an appointment with Ogden.

Thoughts:

• The stuff with the Alka-Seltzer did make it in, but definitely not the rest.
• Shirley is maternal with Laverne here.
• I think Kiddy City should be capitalized, since I assume it's a local amusement park.
• It doesn't say what's wrong with Laverne, although I think we can read between the lines.  But the not wanting to ever get out of bed sounds like depression.
• We get a first name for Dr. Fishburn here.  And of course he works at yet another Milwaukee establishment named after the Pfister family.
• "Fatso mouth" feels like something Laverne would call Rosie.
• Yes, they went there with the proctologist joke.

"Look Before You Leap" script introduction

I recently acquired the PDF of not only the October 4, 1976 Shooting Script of "Look Before You Leap" but some ephemera that was included with it.  So this entry is just the non-script part, specifically notes on the male performers' wardrobes:

Notes on the notes:

• "Slax"
• "Mike McKean"
• Awww, the miner's hats!
• The description of Lenny's wonderful tie is there.
• We can see Squiggy's signature black look, with purple as a secondary color.
• Frank's outfit is "all dirty w/ dough + sauce."
• The piano player was played by John Thomas Lenox, who directed four S1 and S2 episodes, but not this one.

"Lonely At the Middle," Scenes J & K

It's back to the "factory - day":

IT IS THE NEXT MORNING.  SHIRLEY IS THERE AS THE WORKERS ENTER.

SHIRLEY

Good morning, Iris.  Florence.  Leroy, did you try that diet I suggested?

LEROY

Uh-huh.

SHIRLEY

Good.  You watch how that extra protein improves your work.

In the script, Shirley says that Laverne took the bus to work because "she said putting fuel in a vehicle that only carried two people was wasteful," while onscreen Shirley says, "You know how fond she is of being grabbed."

The mustache on Shirley's picture was added.  This is the dropped dialogue after Shirley refers to "Worker of the Week":

LAVERNE

(TO LEROY) What do you think the prize will be?  A weekend with Jimmy Hoffa?

SHIRLEY

Don't worry about keeping tally, I'll do that for everyone.  Good luck.

Onscreen, Laverne rides the conveyor belt out of the room and the scene ends.  Then the next scene starts with Shirley challenging Laverne to a fight, and the girls face off until Mr. Tompkins enters.  In the script, they just kept going with Scene J:

SHIRLEY

(ROLLING UP SLEEVES) Okay, Laverne, that does it!

LAVERNE STARTS ROLLING UP HER SLEEVES.  RALPH SUDDENLY COMES RUNNING IN.

RALPH

Here comes Mr. Tomkins [sic].

SHIRLEY

Mr. Tompkins is here!

SHE GIVES A BIG FAKE SMILE WITH FAKE CHEERY ATTITUDE.  TURNS THE CONVEYOR BELT BACK ON.  [She'd turned it off earlier.]

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Everybody now!  Wet... lift... stick... return.  (TO LAVERNE WITH CLENCHED SMILE)  I'll talk to you later, Laverne.

LAVERNE

It's a date.

WORKERS RESUME WORKING.  ENTER MR. TOMPKINS.  HE STANDS JUST INSIDE DOOR FOR A MOMENT OBSERVING THE OPERATION.

SHIRLEY

(CHEERY AND EFFICIENT) Very good.  Very good.  Wet... lift... stick... return...

Onscreen, after Shirley asks if she's been fired, Mr. Tompkins says she's going back to her old job.  Then we get more of the L & L frame, with Shirley coming in.  Then Laverne is I guess telling the flashback to Shirley, even though her roommate was there for the part of them in the kitchen.  Here's some dumped dialogue:

TOMPKINS

Well, let me put it this way: you've been... released.

SHIRLEY LOOKS DOWNCAST.

TOMPKINS (CONT'D)

I know... I know... this is not easy for me either.  You tried and you failed.

HE EXITS.  SHIRLEY STANDS THERE A MOMENT AND THEN BEGINS TO SOB.

IRIS

Hey, look at Shirley.

LEROY

What's she crying about?  We're going as fast as we can.

LAVERNE

All right, all right.  Everybody knock off!  Coffee break!  Take fifteen.

IRIS

But our coffee break isn't until ten-thirty.

LAVERNE

(TESTY) Then go to the bathroom, Iris.

WORKERS EXIT.  LAVERNE APPROACHES SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)
(PUTS HER ARM AROUND SHIRLEY.  TRYING TO BE LIGHT) Hey, Miss Feeney, what's the matter?

SHIRLEY

Mr. Tompkins fired me.  I messed up everything.  (SOB)

LAVERNE

(CONSOLING) Come on, Shirl...

SHIRLEY

No.  Go ahead.  Let me have it.  I deserve it.

LAVERNE

Shirl, it's over.  I've forgotten already.

SHIRLEY

Do it again, Laverne.  A cake in the face.  It'll make us both feel better.

LAVERNE

No, it won't, Shirl.  Besides, they only have Oreos in the vending machine.

The next part of the dialogue got moved to that kitchen scene.  The parts with the mustache and the suggestion box, including Laverne singing "High Hopes," were not in this version of the script.  Here's how the scene used to end:

SHIRLEY

You're right, Vernie.  It's lonely at the middle.

SHIRLEY SMILES.  ARM IN ARM THEY WALK OFF THROUGH THREE SPOTLIGHTS SHINING ON THE FLOOR.

And so ends Act Two.

The tag is set in the "girls' apartment - night"

SHIRLEY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, WRITING IN HER DIARY.  LAVERNE IS IN THE KITCHEN, MAKING A MILK AND PEPSI, AND AN ORANGE DRINK FOR SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY (V.O.)

Dear, Diary... Well, I'm back on the line.  I'm not really unhappy, though.  They're gonna use some of the suggestions to speed up production.  Maybe we will still get that raise after all.

LAVERNE CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND HANDS SHIRLEY HER DRINK.

LAVERNE

(RAISING HER GLASS)  Here's to being together again.

Onscreen, we actually start with the boys entering and Squiggy saying hello, without a cue!  (Maybe there was one and it got cut out.)  In this script, the boys' song is just called "their song," and they probably just figured McKean and Lander would come up with something later, which they did.  The script doesn't have the girls kicking the boys out; it just ends with the then lyric-less song.

Thoughts:

• I just checked the credits, and it's "Henry Wanda."  I still think he was a large woman in an earlier version.  And it is "Mr. Tompkins."
• Pat McCormick, who plays Big Henry, is also listed as a consultant, but I don't know if this is about unions or something else.
• As for these scenes in the script, again the material is more polished onscreen, but the girls' making up is sweet in a different way.
• I prefer that Shirley is not humiliated in front of so many people.  And, no, I have no idea who Florence and Ralph are.
• Jimmy Hoffa mysteriously disappeared in 1975, so that's a fairly timely joke, although of course it would mean something different to Laverne in the late '50s.
• Iris is again a dingaling, and Laverne is understandably annoyed.
• Title drop!
• The spotlights are a little cheesy, but not as bad as in "Monastery."
• And another dropped diary sequence.

"Lonely At the Middle," Scene H

We go to the "girls apartment - night":

LAVERNE WALKS IN FROM KITCHEN WITH A PEPSI AND MILK AND A NEWSPAPER.  SHE PUTS THE PEPSI AND MILK DOWN ON THE TABLE -- NEAR HER LEFT HAND.  SHE SITS AND PUTS HER FEET UP ON THE TABLE, OPENS THE PAPER AND READS FOR A BEAT.  THEN SHE WANTS SOME PEPSI AND MILK.  SHE PUTS HER FEET DOWN, TAKES THE GLASS WITH HER LEFT HAND, BRINGS IT TO HER RIGHT HAND, TAKES IT WITH HER RIGHT HAND AND TAKES A SIP OF IT.  THEN SHE TAKES THE GLASS WITH HER LEFT HAND, PUTS IT DOWN ON THE TABLE, PUTS HER FEET UP AGAIN AND CONTINUES READING.  (SHIRLEY HAS WATCHED HER DO ALL THIS.)

SHIRLEY

You know, one of the interesting things about my job is the way it opens up your mind to all sorts of things you never noticed before.

LAVERNE

Oh, yeah... like what?

SHIRELY

Well, like how we throw away so much of our lives by doing little things inefficiently.

Onscreen, this was replaced by Laverne in the frame device talking to Lenny (including about the "secret place" in her novel).  For some reason, in the script, Shirley gives Laverne advice about drinking coffee, even though it just said Laverne is drinking milk & Pepsi, but this was fixed by filming.  Shirley's instructions are more detailed in the script, but not really worth going into here.  Also, in the script Shirley advised Laverne on how to squeeze toothpaste, rather than set her bangs, but the dialogue just isn't interesting enough to quote.

Shirley telling Laverne how to call her crazy was kept, as was Laverne walking over furniture to get to the kitchen.  Laverne throwing the cake at Shirley was from the script as well, but there we learn that it's left over from Shirley's party.  Onscreen, Shirley says it was a waste of a perfectly good butter cake, but in the script, she says, "I won't dignify that with a reply.

My main thought is that this scene is much stronger onscreen, not even counting the frame device.

"Lonely At the Middle," Scenes D and E

Act Two begins in the "labelling room - day."  Scene D starts out much like onscreen, but this dialogue was left out after Shirley suggests people call her with suggestions at home, day or night:

IRIS

What about Sundays?

LAVERNE

Sunday is the Lord's day.  You got any suggestions, take them to the Lord!

IRIS

But what about those of the Jewish persuasion?

LAVERNE

Same rule... different day.

SHIRLEY

I'd like to discuss for a moment a little worker incentive plan...

IRIS

What about atheists?

LAVERNE

You wanna knock it off, Iris?

SHIRLEY

Now, Laverne.  This orientation is supposed to answer questions.  (TO WORKERS) Are there any atheists here?  May I see a show of hands?

NO HANDS ARE RAISED.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Isn't that wonderful?  We all believe in God.

LEROY

... and apple pie and motherhood.  But when are we gonna start working?

SHIRLEY

Good, LeRoy!  I'm glad to see you're eager....

Then Shirley explains about the "worker of the week" program.  Onscreen she uses her own photo as an example.  They omitted Laverne saying, "Uh, LeRoy, you'd better give me a twelve by fourteen," and LeRoy replying, "Gotcha."

The next scene has a similar setting, but "It's a few days later":

SHIRLEY HAS A DIFFERENT DRESS ON.  THERE ARE CHEERY DECORATIONS ON THE WALL.

They ended up just combining the two scenes, but adding an explanation of why Laverne is in labelling rather than bottle-capping.

THE BOTTLERS AND LABELLERS ARE AT WORK.  SHIRLEY WALKS UP AND BACK, OBSERVING THEM AS THEY WORK.  THEY ALL DO THE SAME THING AT THE SAME PACE.  THEY STAND BEHIND A SLOW-MOVING CONVEYOR BELT WHICH SENDS BOTTLES PAST THEM.  THEY TAKE A BOTTLE OFF THE BELT AND PUT IT DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM ON A NARROW SHELF THE SAME HEIGHT AS THE CONVEYOR BELT.  THEN THEY TAKE A BRUSH FROM A WATER-FILLED CONTAINER, WET A LABEL AND RETURN THE BRUSH TO THE CONTAINER.  THEN THEY STICK THE LABEL ON THE BOTTLE AND PUT THE BOTTLE ON THE CONVEYOR BELT.  THE BELT CARRIES THE BOTTLES OFF-STAGE.

SHIRLEY

Laverne?

LAVERNE

Yeah?

SHIRLEY HOLDS UP A SHEET.  LAVERNE DOESN'T SEE IT SINCE SHE'S CONCENTRATING ON WORK.

SHIRLEY

What do you think?

LAVERNE

Of what?

SHIRLEY

Of this!

LAVERNE

I can't see.  What is it?

SHIRLEY

It's a list of songs.  Music makes people more productive.  They proved it.  Here.  Look.

SHE HOLDS IT SO LAVERNE WON'T HAVE TO TURN HER HEAD.  BUT LAVERNE CAN'T READ AND WORK AT THE SAME TIME.

LAVERNE

Flying.  Purple.  Elvis.  Moon.

SHIRLEY

Never mind, I'll pick a record monitor, later.

SHIRLEY CROSSES BACK TO HER DESK AND OBSERVES LAVERNE WORKING FOR A BEAT.

In the script, Laverne takes only six steps to label a bottle, as opposed to eight onscreen.  They left out LeRoy's spicy comment on Shirley's drill of "Wet.  Lift.  Stick.  Return":  "Sounds like my honeymoon."

We lost this bit at the end of the scene:

THEY SAY THE CHANT HALFHEARTEDLY.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER WITH CRATES AND JOIN IN.

SHIRLEY

Come on, everybody.  Wet.  Lift.  Stick.  Return.  Wet.  Lift.  Stick.  Return.

THEY ALL CHANT ALONG.  SHIRLEY CONTINUES IN THIS GOOD-NATURED CHEERLEADER TONE WITH LENNY AND SUQIGGY ALSO CHEERY.  THE OTHERS CHANT BUT ARE OBVIOUSLY IRRITATED.

Thoughts:

• They definitely toned down Iris's daffiness by the time of filming.
• Wanda-LeRoy-Henry's weight is somewhat of a bigger deal in the script.
• We don't see any labelling until later in the scene.
• They probably should've specified that that's a sheet of paper, not a bedsheet, since it's a little confusing at first.
• That is true about music making people more productive, but Shirley's timing is bad.
• "Flying.  Purple.  Elvis.  Moon."  The Andrew Squiggman Story.
• And, yes, I wish Lenny and Squiggy were in this scene, although they're acting out of character.

"Lonely At the Middle," Scene C

This scene was dropped in its entirety, for reasons that will soon become apparent.  Let's take a look:

INT. PIZZA BOWL - NIGHT

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, LENNY, SQUIGGY AND MRS. BABISH ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE THAT HAS SOME WRAPPED PRESENTS ON IT.  THEY ARE WEARING LUDICROUS LITTLE PARTY HATS.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY HAVE NOISEMAKERS AND BEERS.  CARMINE IS SINGING "RAGS TO RICHES" TO SHIRLEY, NIGHT CLUB STYLE WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER.

CARMINE

(TO SHIRLEY)  "... I knew you'd go from rags to riches.  Their fate is up to you."  Let's hear it for our own little angel face...

THE GROUP APPLAUDS.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY WORK OUT ON NOISEMAKERS.

LENNY

Not enough chicks at these testimonial parties.

SQUIGGY

(WHO'S BEEN WATCHING CARMINE) Hey, Len -- Does Carmine look a little puffy to you?

LENNY

Yeah.

SQUIGGY

I think he's been spendin' too much time with Lucille.

FRANK CROSSES BETWEEN LENNY AND SQUIGGY WITH SOME PLATES OF CAKE.

FRANK

(AFTER HE CROSSES BETWEEN LENNY AND SQUIGGY) You two better quit standin' together.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

LAVERNE

Can I help you, Pop?

FRANK

Yeah.  Get started so I can bring on my cake.

LAVERNE

Oh.  Okay, everyone, let's watch Shirl open her presents.

SHIRLEY

Oh, can I just say how sweet it is of all of you to do this for me.

LAVERNE

We wish you the very best of luck.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY HUG, AND CARMINE TAKES A PICTURE.

SQUIGGY

Hey, this is gettin' a little thick.

LAVERNE ELBOWS HIM, AND SHIRLEY PICKS UP FIRST GIFT AND READS THE CARD.

SHIRLEY

To:  The new supervisor of cappers and labellers.  Love, Edna.

SHIRLEY GIVES A SMILE TO MRS. BABISH AND OPENS GIFT.  IT IS A CLEAR GLASS BELL.

MRS. BABISH

It's a paper weight for your desk.

SHIRLEY TURNS IT UPSIDE DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Ahhh... it's cute.  Look at the way the snow lands on the penguin's nose...  Thank you, Mrs. Babish.

SHE SHOWS IT TO FRANK.

FRANK

Yeah, cute...

CARMINE HOLDS UP NEXT GIFT.  IT IS A BROWN PAPER BAG, SCOTCH TAPED AT THE TOP.  SHIRLEY TAKES THE PRESENT.

SHIRLEY

I'll bet I know who this is from.

SHE STARTS TO OPEN BAG.

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) How'd she know?

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) I told ya to put a bow on it, stupid.

SHIRLEY PULLS A WHIP OUT OF THE BAG.

SHIRLEY

A whip.  How thoughtful.

CARMINE

(TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY; ANGRY) What's the idea of givin' Shirley a whip?

SQUIGGY

Well, she's a boss now, ain't she?  Bosses carry whips.

LENNY

Besides, you got a dirty mind!  You "Big Ragu."

SQUIGGY

Yeah!  What's a "ragu", anyway?

LAVERNE

Hey, let's not spoil Shirley's celebration here.

LAVERNE HANDS SHIRLEY THE ONE REMAINING BOX.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

This one's from me.  But, before you open it, i just wanna say, on behalf of all your friends here, we're real proud of you.  Now you can open it.

SHIRLEY OPENS THE BOX AND PULLS OUT HER SHOTZ SMOCK.  SHE HOLDS IT UP.  ON THE BACK (FACING THE CAMERA), IT SAYS, "SHIRLEY FEENEY - A CORKER OF A CAPPER".

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

We're retiring your smock.

FRANK COMES FROM BEHIND COUNTER CARRYING CAKE.

FRANK

Coming through!  Coming through!

HE PUTS THE CAKE DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Oh, what a lovely cake!  Thank you, Mr. De Fazio!

LAVERNE LIGHTS THE CANDLE.

LAVERNE

Make a wish and blow it out.

SHIRLEY CLOSES HER EYES A MOMENT; OPENS THEM AND THEN BLOWS OUT CANDLE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Hey, Pop!  You got something to cut the cake with?

FRANK REACHES INTO POCKET AND PULLS OUT PIZZA CUTTER.  SHIRLEY TAKES IT AND BEGINS TO CUT CAKE.  LAVERNE GRABS IT FROM SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Hold on -- you got an anchovy here.

LAVERNE WIPES IT AND HANDS IT BACK TO SHIRLEY, WHO RESUMES CUTTING THE CAKE AS WE:

FADE OUT.

Ant that ends Act One.

Thoughts:

• Other than a certain gift (which believe me I'll get to), this scene is pretty uneventful and it doesn't really advance the plot.
• I guess Carmine's gift is the song, the same song he always sings, but night club style!
• This almost feels like Season One Lenny, wanting more chicks at the party.
• I don't get the "puffy" and "big" insinuations.  Are they saying Carmine has gained weight since dating Lucille?  Does he have mono?  What's going on?
• OK, so if they retired her smock, does it come out of retirement after she gets her old job back?
• Lenny.  And. Squiggy.  Bought. Shirley.  A.  Whip.
• And Carmine is angry about it.  I bet the censors weren't too pleased either.

"Lonely At the Middle," Scene B

It's "Laverne and Shirley's apartment - several hours later":

THEY WAITED AT THE BREWERY FOR SHIRLEY.  WHEN SHE DIDN'T COME BACK, THEY DECIDED TO RELOCATE.  THE CAPPERS ARE SITTING AROUND.  LEROY IS IN THE KITCHEN, AND A COUPLE OF PEOPLE ARE PLAYING CARDS, ETC.

This was dropped after Laverne says LeRoy (later Henry) is eating their raise before they get it:

LEROY

You know how it is with food.  Once you start eating it, you just can't stop.

LAVERNE

Yeah, I noticed there, LeRoy.

LEROY

(HUFFY) Well, I'm sorry.  I thought I was a guest in your home.

LAVERNE

You are a guest. (BEAT)  Two guests.

LEROY

Hey, look...

ANOTHER WORKER, IRIS, INTERVENES.

IRIS

Wait a minute.  Let's not fight each other.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  You're right.  I'm just kinda worried about my little buddy, Shirl.

LEROY

Do you have any marshmallow sauce?

Shirley slipping and calling Mr. Tompkins "Warren" was added.  So was Henry wanting to give Shirley a noogie.

Most of the script carried over with minor rephrasing, but here's the last page of the scene, instead of Laverne suggesting they break Shirley's legs if it doesn't work out:

LAVERNE

(SOTTO, TO SHIRLEY) Quiet.  I'm saving your life here.  (TO GROUP) I say we give this thing a chance.  Who we talkin' about here!  Shirl, our friend... Any of you every [not] get a Christmas card from Shirley Feeney?  Huh?  Huh?  And, LeRoy!  When your arm was in a cast, who forged all those signatures to make your friend think you were popular?  Huh?  Shirley Feeney... If Shirley Feeney can get us a raise -- without going out on strike -- then I say we back her!  

THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

What do you say?

THERE IS A STIR OF RELUCTANCE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Well?

LEROY

She did use all different color pens.

LAVERNE

What do you say?

THE GROUP STARTS NODDING IN AGREEMENT... OKAY.

LEROY

Okay.  We'll try it -- trial basis.

LAVERNE

Great !  (BEAT) Then, if it doesn't work, we can all be pregnant.

Thoughts:

• I'm amused by the prosy opening to the stage directions.
• Laverne and Leroy argue even more than Laverne and Henry.
• It's odd that Iris is introduced in this scene, even though she was in Scene A, more proof that this was an awkwardly transitional version.
• I like Laverne's speech in defense of Shirley, and the reactions, but I can see why this was cut for time.
• See, "pregnant" is a running joke, even for Laverne, who had a pregnancy scare months ago.

"Lonely At the Middle," Scene A

On December 15, 1976, three and a half months before "Lonely At the Middle" would air (and in between the airdates of "Two of Our Weirdos Are Missing" and "Oh Hear the Angels' Voices," neither of which I currently have scripts for), the Rev. Final Draft came in for LatM.  That was enough time to add a frame device and make the bulk of the episode a flashback, but here's what was in this version, starting with the "Labelling Room - day":

Confusingly, "LeRoy Wanda, one of the group, is standing, addressing them.  Wanda is a very fat lady.  She's all fired up."  I guess "LeRoy" could be a girls' name, but by filming this character became a man named Big Henry.

They left out LeRoy asking, "Does management have to clip grocery coupons out of the newspaper?", and the crowd replying, "No."

Onscreen, Iris asks if people like getting felt up on their way to work, and Laverne is ambivalent about it.  Here's the original dialogue:

LAVERNE

When's the last time he [Tompkins] got felt up on the way to work!

CROWD

Yeah!

IRIS

(BITTERLY) When's the last time I got felt up on the way to work?

The rest of the scene was mostly left out:

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) We'll show them.  Let's just see how many beers they can sell without bottles!

CROWD

Yeah.

LEROY

All right.  Everyone over here to sign up for picket duty.

THE CROWD MOVES TOWARDS WANDA.  SHIRLEY STOPS LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE) Laverne, I don't want to go out on strike, again.

LAVERNE

What?  Don't you think we deserve a raise?

SHIRLEY

Of course we deserve a raise.

LAVENE

Doesn't it make your blood boil that we earn less than Lenny and Squiggy?

SHIRLEY

Of course, but every year we have these meetings, and LeRoy gets up and quotes lines form Pete Seeger songs.

LAVERNE

So, what's wrong with that?

SHIRLEY

Nothing, except we get all fired up, and we picket the factory, and lie down in front of the trucks, and what do we wind up with?  A ten cent raise that doesn't make up for all the money we lose by striking.

LAVERNE

What else are we gonna do?  No one is listening to our demands.

SHIRLEY

Maybe they can't hear them.  It's hard to hear a person under a truck.

LEROY

(TO CROWD) Now, when we go out on strike, wear your most tattered clothes.  Those who can do so, try to look pregnant.  And this time, no obscene hand gestures to reporters.  Got that, Laverne!

LAVERNE

Got it.

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE) See!  Isn't that ridiculous!  Dress up pregnant!  Last time it was borrow thin children!

LAVERNE

    We have to do anything we can to get back at rats like Tompkins.

SHIRLEY

I saw Mr. Tompkins at the company picnic.  He seemed like a nice man.

LAVERNE

How could you tell?  He was hopping on one leg in a gunny sack.

SHIRLEY

That's my point... he seemed human.  Why can't we send a representative -- one of us -- to talk to him?

LEROY

You'll be assigned picket duty -- sixteen hours on... eight hours off.

LAVERNE

Sixteen hours?  That's worse than work.  Maybe your way's better, Shirl.

LAVERNE RAISES HER HAND.

LEROY

The chair recognizes Laverne De Fazio.

LAVERNE

(STANDS) Um... Laverne De Fazio, cappers and labellers [sic] division, row six.  Shirley has something to say.

LAVERNE SITS.

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE, SOTTO) What?

LAVERNE

Get up, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

(SOTTO) Laverne!

LAVERNE

Just tell them what you told me.

SHIRLEY RISES.

SHIRLEY

Um... Shirley Feeney.  Cappers and labellers division, same row.  I was just telling Laverne that... some person -- a member of the rank and file -- one of us... an ordinary person...

LAVERNE CUTS HER OFF.

LAVERNE

I nominate Shirley Feeney.

Onscreen, there's no side conversation between the girls and Shirley just gets up, without pushing from Laverne, and says there must be a better method than striking.  (And the raise is only five cents, rather than ten.)  But Laverne does nominate her as the rank & file member to talk to Tompkins.

Thoughts:

• Starting right in with this scene gives us more of a feel for the union meeting, although of course I miss the Lavenny frame.
• I wonder why they did the switch to Big Henry.  (And I wonder if this is a transition from an earlier draft, where the union leader was a woman named Wanda, or a man named LeRoy.)
• It's interesting that they switched the perspectives on getting felt up between Iris and Laverne, so that the filmed version fits the "horny virgin Laverne" image of the early seasons.
• I like the Pete Seeger joke.
• Small spoiler, the "pregnant" thing turns into a bit of a running joke.
• Of course Laverne was the one making obscene hand gestures.

"Guinea Pigs," Scenes 12 and 13

At last we're at the "St. Andrew Room - St. Clair Hotel - Night."  And here's the deleted opening dialogue:

LAVERNE

I'm not gonna make it, Shirl.  I'm not gonna make it.

SHIRLEY

We made it.  We'll be all right.  As soon as we get some food we'll be all right.

A MAN PASSES BY AND SHIRLEY SMILES SWEETLY.  A WAITER WITH A FOOD TRAY PASSES BY.  SHIRLEY MAKES A REACH FOR IT BUT MISSES. 

The "handsome young man" named Charles Warner appeared then but got moved to later in the filmed scene.  The dialogue made it in, except that in the script he asks, "You look like a nurse.  Are you a nurse?", while onscreen he asks Laverne if she comes there often.

Onscreen, Shirley can't even get at the food because of the crowd around the table, but here's what happens in the script:

SHIRLEY IS NOW AT THE TABLE PILING FOOD FURIOUSLY ON A PLATE WHILE WOLFING ONE OR TWO TIDBITS DOWN.  A FORMIDABLE WOMAN CROSSES TO ALSO GET A PLATE AND LOOKS AT HER CONDESCENDINGLY.

SHIRLEY

(TRYING TO COVER) Superb truffles.

Shirley trying to keep Laverne from sliding down the wall came here, rather than earlier as it does onscreen.  They left out Laverne saying, while asleep, "I don't keep goats."  Also, in the script Shirley uses Laverne's cummerbund to tie Laverne's hands behind her back to the chair.

Laverne's somersault and Shirley's bunny hop carry were not in the script.  This dialogue was dropped:

SHIRLEY

(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH, BUT SMILING AT THE WORLD) Laverne!  People are staring.

LAVERNE

I'm not gonna make it, Shirl.  Why don't you go to the party?

SHIRLEY

Laverne, we're at the party.

LAVERNE

Are we having a good time?

In the script, the security guard doesn't come over until Laverne falls into the liver swan, while it happens fairly early in the filmed version.

Here's the omitted dialogue:

MAN

This is a private function.  I want the two of you to leave.

SHIRLEY

(HOLDING LAVERNE UP) Why is there some law some law [sic] against eating liver?

MAN

There might be one against sleeping in it.  What are you two on?

HE STARTS TO TAKE THEM OUT.

SHIRLEY

How dare you!  Take your hands off us!  Laverne, wake up!  (TO MAN) We paid $20.00 to come into this two bit joint and we're getting our money's worth.

SHE GRABS FOR FOOD AS HE PULLS HER.  LAVERNE IS STARTING TO WAKE UP AS HE GRABS HER ARM TOO.

LAVERNE

Hey!  Who ya' grabbin' here?

MAN

Let's go!  You can sleep it off in the street.

HE STARTS DRAGGING OFF AND LAVERNE TAKES A SWING.

Onscreen, the scene ends with Laverne's face in the liver swan.  In the tag, the security guard, Myron, turns out to be a "sweetheart," understanding the girls' situation.  Shirley leaves with enough snacks for a week and Laverne literally sleeps with Charles under the table.

The original tag goes like this:

INT. GIRLS' APARTMENT

WE ONLY SEE SHIRLEY WRITING IN HER DIARY.  LAVERNE IS DEAD ASLEEP ON COUCH.

SHIRLEY

I guess the party was fun?  Once Laverne started swinging.  And I knew it was a wise investment.

SHE CLOSES DIARY AND CROSSES TO KITCHEN COUNTER AND BEGINS MAKING SANDWICHES WITH THE HUGE MOUND OF LIVER FROM PARTY.

Thoughts:

• As with the rest of the script, this version definitely had room for improvement.
• I like that Shirley is more frustrated in the script about getting food, so that makes her final triumph, including winning over the security guard, more worthy.
• There's definitely more of a payoff with Charles onscreen, odd though it is.
• Also, Shirley seems more embarrassed by Laverne in the script (I didn't want to transcribe half a page of Shirley telling Laverne to wake up), while she's more protective of and affectionate towards her, in a motherly/sisterly way, onscreen.
• And Shirley is more ladylike onscreen, which adds to the humor.
• I need to note that Shirley's diary was an even bigger thing in the scripts than onscreen that season, in a lot of original tags.

"Guinea Pigs," Scenes 7 through 11

Then we get a bunch of scenes that were nearly all replaced by the time of filming,  They go back and forth between the sleep lab and the nutrition lab.  Here's Scene 7:

AFTER NINE HOURS OF NO SLEEP THEY LOOK A LITTLE HAGGARD.  GUY ONE HAS A CAN OF FILM IN HIS HAND.

GUY ONE

How about 'Psycho'?

LAVERNE

Not again.  Seeing Janet Leigh stabbed three times is enough.

GUY ONE

What else is there?

LAVERNE

We can play 'Power'.

GUY ONE

What's that?

LAVERNE

(READING; SHOWING THEM GAME) The game of international diplomacy.  Each one of us gets a country and you try to destroy everybody else.

GUY ONE

Can you be any country?

LAVERNE

Yeah.  Except Switzerland.

GUY ONE

(SITS ON FLOOR WITH LAVERNE)  Okay, I'll be Italy.  (HE TAKES A MONOPOLY TYPE PIECE SHAPED LIKE A COUNTRY).

LAVERNE

Who wants to be Poland?

ANOTHER GUY RAISES HIS HAND.  HE REACHES OVER TO GET IT FROM LAVERNE AND ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHES HER WITH HIS WIRE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Watch your wire.  Watch your wire.  Andorra.

ANOTHER GUY RAISES HIS HAND.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

And I'll be Russia.  Here are your armies  (GIVES PIECES) and your navies.  No navy for you, Andorra.

GUY ONE

It looks awfully complicated.

LAVERNE

Nah, it's easy.  Here are the rules.  (TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER).  I'll read 'em through once and then we'll play.  (SHE UNFOLDS THE RULES, WHICH NOW STRETCH OUT ABOUT TWO FEET)  "The object of the game is to attain the complete military enslavement of Western Europe.  Each player..."

Scene 8 is shorter:

SEVERAL HOURS HAVE PASSED AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING IRRITABLE.  THE BUM IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.

HAROLD

(SEEING BUM) Look at this guy, would you?  Contemptible.  (HE HOLDS UP A PIECE OF BARK).  He needs this bark more than I do.

HAROLD BEGINS CHEWING BARK LOUDLY.

SHIRLEY

Harold.  You're beginning to get on my nerves.

HE CONTINUES EATING BARK.  A VOICE OF DR. HORTON COMES LOUDLY OVER THE INTERCOM.

DR. HORTON (OVER LOUD SPEAKER)

Hello, participants.  This is Dr. Horton.  Your first formal meal is about to be served.  Eat slowly, chew thoroughly.  We're watching you.  Bon Appetite [sic].

Scene 9 continues Scene 7, after presumably a short time skip:

LAVERNE

(STILL READING) "... but if a winter port is under combined attack by naval and military forces, the player must either surrender his army  (SHE STARTS TO NOD OFF.  THE WIRE SHOCKS HER) to the (LOUD) attacker or move two of his other armies to a neutral city designated by the other players.

SANDOR ENTERS

DR. SANDOR

How are you coming.

THEY ADLIB  'NOT BAD', 'OKAY', ETC.

Sandor offering them the "packet of sleep" made it in, through him wanting to check their pulses.  But in the script, "orderlies wheel in four beds," while the cots are already onstage.

Scene 10 is somewhat intact.  Onscreen, Shirley is not "staring at her plate of dirt balls untouched," and the "bum" (I guess the guy in the hat) is sleeping in a chair instead of a couch.  Also, Shirley doesn't "lunge for" Harold and exclaim, "Shut up you little seed freak," but is much more polite, although still irritated.

Scene 11 is another very short one:

IT IS VERY EARLY MORNING AND THESE GUYS ARE THE WALKING DEAD.  ON THE WALL IS A DART BOARD.  THREE ARE THROWING DARTS, TOTALLY OFF TARGET.  LAVERNE IS WALKING AROUND TRYING TO KEEP AWAKE.

GUY

What time is it?

LAVERNE

(LIFTING HER WATCH HAND WITH HER OTHER HAND) Five o'clock.

GUY

Only two hours left.  Let's play ping-pong for a while.

LAVERNE

Sure.

GUY

You serve.

SHE SERVES THE BALL.  IT GOES ABOUT TWO INCHES.

All that stuff you probably remember onscreen, from the guy wanting to make out with Laverne to Shirley rhyming "good" and "food," came in a later version of the script.

Thoughts:

• Psycho came out in 1960, and yet somehow the lab already has a copy.
• "Power" seems like a more insane version of "Risk."
• Who the heck is Dr. Horton?
• Shirley's annoyance with Harold is definitely a bigger thing in the script than onscreen, but then he is more annoying in the script.  (It would've been fun to see Shearer and Williams play this, but oh well.)
• I never found this episode as hilarious as many (including Cindy Williams herself) do, but I will admit that the onscreen lab scenes are better than this version for the most part.