"Lonely At the Middle," Scene C

This scene was dropped in its entirety, for reasons that will soon become apparent.  Let's take a look:

INT. PIZZA BOWL - NIGHT

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, LENNY, SQUIGGY AND MRS. BABISH ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE THAT HAS SOME WRAPPED PRESENTS ON IT.  THEY ARE WEARING LUDICROUS LITTLE PARTY HATS.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY HAVE NOISEMAKERS AND BEERS.  CARMINE IS SINGING "RAGS TO RICHES" TO SHIRLEY, NIGHT CLUB STYLE WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER.

CARMINE

(TO SHIRLEY)  "... I knew you'd go from rags to riches.  Their fate is up to you."  Let's hear it for our own little angel face...

THE GROUP APPLAUDS.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY WORK OUT ON NOISEMAKERS.

LENNY

Not enough chicks at these testimonial parties.

SQUIGGY

(WHO'S BEEN WATCHING CARMINE) Hey, Len -- Does Carmine look a little puffy to you?

LENNY

Yeah.

SQUIGGY

I think he's been spendin' too much time with Lucille.

FRANK CROSSES BETWEEN LENNY AND SQUIGGY WITH SOME PLATES OF CAKE.

FRANK

(AFTER HE CROSSES BETWEEN LENNY AND SQUIGGY) You two better quit standin' together.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

LAVERNE

Can I help you, Pop?

FRANK

Yeah.  Get started so I can bring on my cake.

LAVERNE

Oh.  Okay, everyone, let's watch Shirl open her presents.

SHIRLEY

Oh, can I just say how sweet it is of all of you to do this for me.

LAVERNE

We wish you the very best of luck.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY HUG, AND CARMINE TAKES A PICTURE.

SQUIGGY

Hey, this is gettin' a little thick.

LAVERNE ELBOWS HIM, AND SHIRLEY PICKS UP FIRST GIFT AND READS THE CARD.

SHIRLEY

To:  The new supervisor of cappers and labellers.  Love, Edna.

SHIRLEY GIVES A SMILE TO MRS. BABISH AND OPENS GIFT.  IT IS A CLEAR GLASS BELL.

MRS. BABISH

It's a paper weight for your desk.

SHIRLEY TURNS IT UPSIDE DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Ahhh... it's cute.  Look at the way the snow lands on the penguin's nose...  Thank you, Mrs. Babish.

SHE SHOWS IT TO FRANK.

FRANK

Yeah, cute...

CARMINE HOLDS UP NEXT GIFT.  IT IS A BROWN PAPER BAG, SCOTCH TAPED AT THE TOP.  SHIRLEY TAKES THE PRESENT.

SHIRLEY

I'll bet I know who this is from.

SHE STARTS TO OPEN BAG.

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) How'd she know?

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) I told ya to put a bow on it, stupid.

SHIRLEY PULLS A WHIP OUT OF THE BAG.

SHIRLEY

A whip.  How thoughtful.

CARMINE

(TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY; ANGRY) What's the idea of givin' Shirley a whip?

SQUIGGY

Well, she's a boss now, ain't she?  Bosses carry whips.

LENNY

Besides, you got a dirty mind!  You "Big Ragu."

SQUIGGY

Yeah!  What's a "ragu", anyway?

LAVERNE

Hey, let's not spoil Shirley's celebration here.

LAVERNE HANDS SHIRLEY THE ONE REMAINING BOX.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

This one's from me.  But, before you open it, i just wanna say, on behalf of all your friends here, we're real proud of you.  Now you can open it.

SHIRLEY OPENS THE BOX AND PULLS OUT HER SHOTZ SMOCK.  SHE HOLDS IT UP.  ON THE BACK (FACING THE CAMERA), IT SAYS, "SHIRLEY FEENEY - A CORKER OF A CAPPER".

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

We're retiring your smock.

FRANK COMES FROM BEHIND COUNTER CARRYING CAKE.

FRANK

Coming through!  Coming through!

HE PUTS THE CAKE DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Oh, what a lovely cake!  Thank you, Mr. De Fazio!

LAVERNE LIGHTS THE CANDLE.

LAVERNE

Make a wish and blow it out.

SHIRLEY CLOSES HER EYES A MOMENT; OPENS THEM AND THEN BLOWS OUT CANDLE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Hey, Pop!  You got something to cut the cake with?

FRANK REACHES INTO POCKET AND PULLS OUT PIZZA CUTTER.  SHIRLEY TAKES IT AND BEGINS TO CUT CAKE.  LAVERNE GRABS IT FROM SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Hold on -- you got an anchovy here.

LAVERNE WIPES IT AND HANDS IT BACK TO SHIRLEY, WHO RESUMES CUTTING THE CAKE AS WE:

FADE OUT.

Ant that ends Act One.

Thoughts:

• Other than a certain gift (which believe me I'll get to), this scene is pretty uneventful and it doesn't really advance the plot.
• I guess Carmine's gift is the song, the same song he always sings, but night club style!
• This almost feels like Season One Lenny, wanting more chicks at the party.
• I don't get the "puffy" and "big" insinuations.  Are they saying Carmine has gained weight since dating Lucille?  Does he have mono?  What's going on?
• OK, so if they retired her smock, does it come out of retirement after she gets her old job back?
• Lenny.  And. Squiggy.  Bought. Shirley.  A.  Whip.
• And Carmine is angry about it.  I bet the censors weren't too pleased either.